Comments on: Lovenomics: Managing Your Desire to Be the Exception in Relationships – Part Two http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/lovenomics-managing-your-desire-to-be-the-exception-in-relationships-part-two/ Self Esteem|Dating|Relationships|Emotional Unavailability|Commitment| Thu, 09 Sep 2010 12:24:59 +0200 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0.1 By: Naaz http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/lovenomics-managing-your-desire-to-be-the-exception-in-relationships-part-two/comment-page-1/#comment-253850 Naaz Thu, 11 Mar 2010 03:33:22 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/lovenomics-managing-your-desire-to-be-the-exception-in-relationships-part-two/#comment-253850 thank you trinity yeah you are right every time i cry i have taken your advice and think it will heal me. it helps a lot :) thank you . thank you trinity yeah you are right every time i cry i have taken your advice and think it will heal me. it helps a lot :) thank you .

]]> By: Trinity http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/lovenomics-managing-your-desire-to-be-the-exception-in-relationships-part-two/comment-page-1/#comment-253675 Trinity Mon, 08 Mar 2010 03:37:45 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/lovenomics-managing-your-desire-to-be-the-exception-in-relationships-part-two/#comment-253675 @ naaz,
Hey :) to be honest it just takes time, it’s annoying to hear that but time is the great healer. Maybe some if these partners will never realise what they did, maybe their behaviour is acceptable to them? The point is their behaviour is not acceptable to you, it didn’t make you happy. What helped me was lots of writing in a journal, I could get the crap out of me. Then as writing I started to notice paterns arising, this helped to clear away and sort through the confusion your left with. My friends were amazing! I was careful to keep life simple while I was going through the real bad stuff. Work, eat, rest, sleep. U kinda really just have to go through it. Everytime I cried and thought I’d die, I’d also think each time I’m crying it’s healing me which is true. U also put in the no contact rule from NML. I read her books and it helped me. I gained some control back, this helped me gain some sel esteem and it started s a snow ball affect. You have to know this stuff hurts, good days and rotten days. It takes time. You don’t need his validation, your validation is that you were not happy, it wasn’t good enough for you. Doesn’t matter who left who, it wasn’t working and you want more. Read this post by NML, it helped me a lot . Coping with feeling rejected by Mr Unavailable’s & Assclowns – Part One
by NML on JUNE 23, 2009
Read all the parts, also read her old posts on seeking validation. Again both really helped me.
Just focus on you, don’t worry about him.
Take care :)

]]> By: Dawn http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/lovenomics-managing-your-desire-to-be-the-exception-in-relationships-part-two/comment-page-1/#comment-253671 Dawn Mon, 08 Mar 2010 01:59:12 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/lovenomics-managing-your-desire-to-be-the-exception-in-relationships-part-two/#comment-253671 I too want to be DONE chasing the exception and unavailable men. "I felt my emotions instead of reacting to them." I have recently learned how important allowing myself to feel my emotions are instead of reacting to them. Doing so is so vital to taking control of my life. It reminds me to stop and think and ask myself what is really good for me? At times it can be such a difficult journey but I am willing to learn, grow and heal. I am worthy of better treatment from not only others but from myself first and foremost. I too want to be DONE chasing the exception and unavailable men.

“I felt my emotions instead of reacting to them.”
I have recently learned how important allowing myself to feel my emotions are instead of reacting to them. Doing so is so vital to taking control of my life. It reminds me to stop and think and ask myself what is really good for me?
At times it can be such a difficult journey but I am willing to learn, grow and heal. I am worthy of better treatment from not only others but from myself first and foremost.

]]> By: Shania http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/lovenomics-managing-your-desire-to-be-the-exception-in-relationships-part-two/comment-page-1/#comment-253378 Shania Fri, 05 Mar 2010 08:29:48 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/lovenomics-managing-your-desire-to-be-the-exception-in-relationships-part-two/#comment-253378 Where I am at now: I rarely think about him or his predecessors. There is no EUM in my head taking that space and energy that is theirs even when they are physically. There is humour when I do... I see that the last one and all the ones before were all the same guy. I realise that this fact reflects my beliefs about myself instilled in childhood by very inadaequate parenting. I know that my children will know that they are loved and extremely lovable. I see the signs! I realise when I meet a guy and I get 'that feeling' its actually more of a cue to run like the wind that true love. And I act on my gut instincts. I have boundaries in all areas of my life and realise when they are being crossed. I act when they are and act calmly but firmly. I understand that my emotional boundaries are not as strong as they could be. I am single and have been EUM free for a year. I haven't had an intimate relationship for three years and frankly wonder if i ever will again. Recently, I realise that sub-consciously I am giving off 'go-away' signals to anyone who shows interest. I'm not too bothered though as I am aware and I know that I am not ready to be in a relationship yet. I know that I know myself much better than before and am my own best friend. I am not completely healed. Like most people, I look for external validation in some ways. I live in reality as much as I can. When I'm off down the fanatasy road, the one I know so well, I realise and bring myself back. Its much easier outside of a relationship though I must say.. My life has its moments and challenges, but there is a fantastic peace only found in reality... I believe that society has changed and there is an over-abundance of AC's out there. I would say that 90% of people on the dating scene are EUM in some way so its not 'me' or my friends. This is a real phenonemon... I am no longer waiting for my knight in shining armour to ride up and rescue me and am getting on with it on my own. Thanks NML, your site is fantastic and your words inspired. Its been a long painful road but you have helped me get to where I am today. Keep it up. You are very much appreciated. Big hugs to everyone on here xxx Where I am at now:

I rarely think about him or his predecessors. There is no EUM in my head taking that space and energy that is theirs even when they are physically. There is humour when I do…

I see that the last one and all the ones before were all the same guy. I realise that this fact reflects my beliefs about myself instilled in childhood by very inadaequate parenting. I know that my children will know that they are loved and extremely lovable.

I see the signs! I realise when I meet a guy and I get ‘that feeling’ its actually more of a cue to run like the wind that true love. And I act on my gut instincts.

I have boundaries in all areas of my life and realise when they are being crossed. I act when they are and act calmly but firmly. I understand that my emotional boundaries are not as strong as they could be.

I am single and have been EUM free for a year. I haven’t had an intimate relationship for three years and frankly wonder if i ever will again. Recently, I realise that sub-consciously I am giving off ‘go-away’ signals to anyone who shows interest. I’m not too bothered though as I am aware and I know that I am not ready to be in a relationship yet.

I know that I know myself much better than before and am my own best friend.

I am not completely healed. Like most people, I look for external validation in some ways.

I live in reality as much as I can. When I’m off down the fanatasy road, the one I know so well, I realise and bring myself back. Its much easier outside of a relationship though I must say..

My life has its moments and challenges, but there is a fantastic peace only found in reality…

I believe that society has changed and there is an over-abundance of AC’s out there. I would say that 90% of people on the dating scene are EUM in some way so its not ‘me’ or my friends. This is a real phenonemon…

I am no longer waiting for my knight in shining armour to ride up and rescue me and am getting on with it on my own.

Thanks NML, your site is fantastic and your words inspired. Its been a long painful road but you have helped me get to where I am today. Keep it up. You are very much appreciated.

Big hugs to everyone on here

xxx

]]> By: ashley http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/lovenomics-managing-your-desire-to-be-the-exception-in-relationships-part-two/comment-page-1/#comment-253341 ashley Thu, 04 Mar 2010 21:26:06 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/lovenomics-managing-your-desire-to-be-the-exception-in-relationships-part-two/#comment-253341 For me, I have finally accepted that my ex EUMs will never think they made a mistake or regret giving me up. They are who they are and they are not changing. I will admit, I do imagine my rejecting him or the words I will use if he ever asks to see me again. However, when imagining it, it's not that I think he will feel badly that I am rejecting him. I think he will understand my position and think it's a shame I can't just "go with the flow". It will be hard for me to reject seeing him, but I am resolute to be true to myself. When he only wants to see me when it's convenient to him, that's not good enough and I need to say no. I do think I am over him though. I think a key to getting over him is accepting him for who he is. If you want an available guy, and you accept that he is unavailable - suddenly you don't want him anymore. That's been my experience at least. For me, I have finally accepted that my ex EUMs will never think they made a mistake or regret giving me up. They are who they are and they are not changing. I will admit, I do imagine my rejecting him or the words I will use if he ever asks to see me again. However, when imagining it, it’s not that I think he will feel badly that I am rejecting him. I think he will understand my position and think it’s a shame I can’t just “go with the flow”. It will be hard for me to reject seeing him, but I am resolute to be true to myself. When he only wants to see me when it’s convenient to him, that’s not good enough and I need to say no.

I do think I am over him though. I think a key to getting over him is accepting him for who he is. If you want an available guy, and you accept that he is unavailable – suddenly you don’t want him anymore. That’s been my experience at least.

]]> By: NAAZ http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/lovenomics-managing-your-desire-to-be-the-exception-in-relationships-part-two/comment-page-1/#comment-253289 NAAZ Thu, 04 Mar 2010 01:27:15 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/lovenomics-managing-your-desire-to-be-the-exception-in-relationships-part-two/#comment-253289 trinity that is exactly how i feel, I want him to say he made mistake i know i will never take him back but just want to hear these words. I feel horrible when i find myself imagining how i will reject him when he comes by or how i will be with someone and he will realize he made mistake. I just want to get over him. I really do not know how. I want to stop looking for another relationship so that i can show him how good of women i am. Any advise will be helpfull thank you ladies. trinity that is exactly how i feel, I want him to say he made mistake i know i will never take him back but just want to hear these words. I feel horrible when i find myself imagining how i will reject him when he comes by or how i will be with someone and he will realize he made mistake. I just want to get over him. I really do not know how. I want to stop looking for another relationship so that i can show him how good of women i am. Any advise will be helpfull thank you ladies.

]]> By: ashley http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/lovenomics-managing-your-desire-to-be-the-exception-in-relationships-part-two/comment-page-1/#comment-253265 ashley Wed, 03 Mar 2010 19:07:43 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/lovenomics-managing-your-desire-to-be-the-exception-in-relationships-part-two/#comment-253265 Thanks Myrtle! Your comments mean a lot! Hang in there with your no contact as well. Be strong! Thanks Myrtle! Your comments mean a lot! Hang in there with your no contact as well. Be strong!

]]> By: Tara http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/lovenomics-managing-your-desire-to-be-the-exception-in-relationships-part-two/comment-page-1/#comment-253260 Tara Wed, 03 Mar 2010 16:35:13 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/lovenomics-managing-your-desire-to-be-the-exception-in-relationships-part-two/#comment-253260 Halfway through "date" #5 with another Mr. Unavailable yesterday, after several non-substantive hours, I realized, "This is not what I want." And then I read this today. All the signs were there that he was not available but I didn't want to see them--I wanted to be the exception. But then I saw the signs. So clearly. I feel liberated. It's sad because another one bites the dust, but I am glad it only took five "dates." Maybe I am a little closer to self-love and realizing that, truly, it's not me. Nothing I do will change them. I just gotta be willing to see the signs and pick better next time. .-= Tara´s last blog ..<a href="http://meandmisterunavailable.blogspot.com/2010/03/mr-unavailable-33-i-can-see-clearly-now.html" rel="nofollow">Mr. Unavailable #33: I Can See Clearly Now the Rain is Gone.</a> =-. Halfway through “date” #5 with another Mr. Unavailable yesterday, after several non-substantive hours, I realized, “This is not what I want.” And then I read this today. All the signs were there that he was not available but I didn’t want to see them–I wanted to be the exception. But then I saw the signs. So clearly. I feel liberated. It’s sad because another one bites the dust, but I am glad it only took five “dates.” Maybe I am a little closer to self-love and realizing that, truly, it’s not me. Nothing I do will change them. I just gotta be willing to see the signs and pick better next time.
Tara´s last blog ..Mr. Unavailable #33: I Can See Clearly Now the Rain is Gone. My ComLuv Profile

]]> By: jenny http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/lovenomics-managing-your-desire-to-be-the-exception-in-relationships-part-two/comment-page-1/#comment-253259 jenny Wed, 03 Mar 2010 15:33:22 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/lovenomics-managing-your-desire-to-be-the-exception-in-relationships-part-two/#comment-253259 I never really considered myself as "wanting to be the exception" until I read this post. Maybe I never consciously uttered those words, but this didn't change the desire I harbored. And it IS insane. So now I have the problem of being inherently "attracted" to the kinda guy who would have to make me the "exception" for things to work out. I am dating an awesome guy who is everything I should be madly in love with, but I find myself thinking something is lacking. I wonder if it's because I've always had drama, suspense, whirlwinds and now that the keel is even, I'm feeling like something must be missing. Talk about insane! I'm trying to give it and ME some time, thinking that for the first time in my life, I might fall for someone as time goes on and not the second I feel the flip-flop in my stomach. I never really considered myself as “wanting to be the exception” until I read this post. Maybe I never consciously uttered those words, but this didn’t change the desire I harbored. And it IS insane.

So now I have the problem of being inherently “attracted” to the kinda guy who would have to make me the “exception” for things to work out. I am dating an awesome guy who is everything I should be madly in love with, but I find myself thinking something is lacking. I wonder if it’s because I’ve always had drama, suspense, whirlwinds and now that the keel is even, I’m feeling like something must be missing. Talk about insane! I’m trying to give it and ME some time, thinking that for the first time in my life, I might fall for someone as time goes on and not the second I feel the flip-flop in my stomach.

]]> By: katty http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/lovenomics-managing-your-desire-to-be-the-exception-in-relationships-part-two/comment-page-1/#comment-253258 katty Wed, 03 Mar 2010 15:25:09 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/lovenomics-managing-your-desire-to-be-the-exception-in-relationships-part-two/#comment-253258 “Maybe there is a assclown lodge where they all get together and discuss the latest smoke blowing technique…who knows”

Myrtle you are hillarious, =D but starting to think this could be true. And I feel the same way as you do, these men are a joke!!

]]> By: katty http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/lovenomics-managing-your-desire-to-be-the-exception-in-relationships-part-two/comment-page-1/#comment-253257 katty Wed, 03 Mar 2010 15:09:47 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/lovenomics-managing-your-desire-to-be-the-exception-in-relationships-part-two/#comment-253257 Trinity, Excellent post! This is exaclty how I feel towards the Ex now too. I have trained myself to NOT look at myself as the victim or thinking "what did I do wrong". It takes two to tango. His withdrawal was so aweful that basically sabotaged the pretend relationship that we had and ultimately lead to so much confusion, anxiety and pain. And yes, it felt as if what he really wanted to create was drama! Instead of mutual understanding. His communication skills SUCK!! Conversations were so difficult with him in fact I dont think we ever had a good conversation with him at all. Trinity, Excellent post! This is exaclty how I feel towards the Ex now too. I have trained myself to NOT look at myself as the victim or thinking “what did I do wrong”. It takes two to tango. His withdrawal was so aweful that basically sabotaged the pretend relationship that we had and ultimately lead to so much confusion, anxiety and pain. And yes, it felt as if what he really wanted to create was drama! Instead of mutual understanding. His communication skills SUCK!! Conversations were so difficult with him in fact I dont think we ever had a good conversation with him at all.

]]> By: trinity http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/lovenomics-managing-your-desire-to-be-the-exception-in-relationships-part-two/comment-page-1/#comment-253241 trinity Wed, 03 Mar 2010 06:00:55 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/lovenomics-managing-your-desire-to-be-the-exception-in-relationships-part-two/#comment-253241 you keep trying to ‘prove’ yourself and assume it’s something flawed in you that has caused it. <<<

I had a problem with that one also. I know where it stems from, a judgmental father where i had to be perfect and could never quite live up to what he expected. So somehow i wound up with someone also very judgmental cleverly hidden behind "im just an insecure guy" I have some brief moments of clarity where i can see i was actually a great partner and the big issues were his. But i have to keep reminding myself of that or i fall into the "whats wrong with me, what did i do" phase, playing victim in a way? At the end of the day we are all human and we are not perfect, we make mistakes, dont always look perfect and dont always say the right thing. No one should be judge on just having a human experience. The difference between us and AC's or EUM is that we are trying to do the very best we can, for ourselves, for our partner and for the realtionship. We are trying to be proactive, not reactive and counterproductive. I honestly cant think of anything more counterproductive in a relationship then someone deciding the best way to resolve an issue is to withdraw for days and days and create misery, tension and anxiety over an issue that could have been resolve with a conversation. Its almost like they dont really want to be happy. They prefer the drama?

]]> By: BirdTalk http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/lovenomics-managing-your-desire-to-be-the-exception-in-relationships-part-two/comment-page-1/#comment-253235 BirdTalk Wed, 03 Mar 2010 02:40:31 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/lovenomics-managing-your-desire-to-be-the-exception-in-relationships-part-two/#comment-253235 NML, I am in agreement with Aurora, a self-esteem class would be a fantastic idea; maybe that could be your next e-book "how to gain your self-esteem and love yourself". I personally struggle with this. I think I am an ok person, doing the best I can in my circumstances. I guess I wasn't raised by people who believed in me, encouraged me. I have made some fantastic achievements, mostly only my own. Yet, I still don't have that 'self-love', self-value that I require. I am not going to get it from anyone else, to begin to believe, and it seems like are round-about circle for me to love my self, when I don't really!! I am definitely guilty of remaining in relationships way past their use-by date. I don't want to continue on the cycle - but I am concerned I don't know how to be any different. I really feel like I should remain solo for the rest of my life so that I don't subject myself to the hurt & tears once again. Thank you for the light in this article. NML, I am in agreement with Aurora, a self-esteem class would be a fantastic idea; maybe that could be your next e-book “how to gain your self-esteem and love yourself”.
I personally struggle with this. I think I am an ok person, doing the best I can in my circumstances. I guess I wasn’t raised by people who believed in me, encouraged me. I have made some fantastic achievements, mostly only my own. Yet, I still don’t have that ‘self-love’, self-value that I require. I am not going to get it from anyone else, to begin to believe, and it seems like are round-about circle for me to love my self, when I don’t really!! I am definitely guilty of remaining in relationships way past their use-by date. I don’t want to continue on the cycle – but I am concerned I don’t know how to be any different. I really feel like I should remain solo for the rest of my life so that I don’t subject myself to the hurt & tears once again.
Thank you for the light in this article.

]]> By: MaryC http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/lovenomics-managing-your-desire-to-be-the-exception-in-relationships-part-two/comment-page-1/#comment-253233 MaryC Wed, 03 Mar 2010 00:49:23 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/lovenomics-managing-your-desire-to-be-the-exception-in-relationships-part-two/#comment-253233 Trinity I related so much to the last line of your post...."After all if we felt great in the relationship none of us would feel the need to do NCR to begin with". I'm almost 5 months NC and its still a struggle. Trinity I related so much to the last line of your post….”After all if we felt great in the relationship none of us would feel the need to do NCR to begin with”. I’m almost 5 months NC and its still a struggle.

]]> By: Myrtle http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/lovenomics-managing-your-desire-to-be-the-exception-in-relationships-part-two/comment-page-1/#comment-253231 Myrtle Tue, 02 Mar 2010 23:48:42 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/lovenomics-managing-your-desire-to-be-the-exception-in-relationships-part-two/#comment-253231 Hang in there Ashley,
It will get better. I’ve been there and still am recovering. I’m glad you locked your phone out. Sometimes the desire to call them is so strong, you can FEEL it in your stomach. I so badly want to talk with him at my most desperate moments. It’s like I have emotional amnesia. The clock moves slowly, and listening to all of the screwed up EUM love songs on the radio DOES NOT HELP. Going on dates right now actually makes it worse because I miss my blowing hot jolts from my EUM. (Strangely I can block out all of the “blowing cold” moments and concentrate only on his positives…hmmm). DENIAL! My EUM is my childhood sweetheart, once again rekindled in a whirlwind romance after 15 years. BIG SIGN EVERYONE: If a man tells you he keeps choosing/dating people he can’t settle down with because he’s not ready for marriage so he sabotages the relationship, all his relationships last around two years and then he’s out”, all his relationships “have been long distance, his fiancé cheated on him 9 years ago and since then he’s never loved or trusted fully a girl again” (the boohoo story that makes me want to “oh my god, let me hug you, I’ll show you real love baby”), and he wants to “marry you though because you are the exception” (YES, He actually said all of these things…which remarkably are signs of the EUM stated in NML’s blogs) I know right? It’s like NML is psychic….at least that’s how I felt when I read her book for the first time. The fact is, there is an overabundance of Assclowns and with eerily similar traits. Maybe there is a assclown lodge where they all get together and discuss the latest smoke blowing technique…who knows.
Anyway, After seeing the Red flags paraded around my handsome assclown, I STILL WISH I could change him and fix him..He was so charming, cute, and mmhmmm all that good guy stuff, oh yeah. But I am letting go of the delusion. I am not the exception, nor is any girl. Assclowns don’t change from the influence of another person other themselves…if they can actually change at all.
And more so – Even if my assclown could change and fully care for me…..would it actually last?
This is my third time trying to make it work with this guy, and I finally have realized my addiction. It’s time to get clean and sober from something that “feels so good” for a moment, but then wreaks havoc in my life. @ Ashley, You deserve better because you choose better for yourself. I’m proud of you! Don’t give in and call him! Wait for better!
-Myrtle
Recovering Assclown addict – no contact date 1/10/10

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