In the long run, it’s better.

There is a forum now for questions of this nature:

http://baggagereclaim.ning.com/

Having said that, I will say:

1. This man is telling you he is not interested at the level you are.

2. Texting him was not a good idea as he told you what he would do and if he did not do it, then there was your answer on whether he was a good man for you or not. At that point you downgrade him in your head and focus on other things. If he pops back up, then you calmly see (from his actions and from your BALANCED feelings) whether he is someone you want a second date with.

3. It does not matter whether he gets back to you or not, you are stuck on the “fantastic” date and completely missing his unenthused responses after the “fantastic date”. To me a fantastic date is one in which BOTH parties are involved, before, during and AFTER. Otherwise it is just a momentarily nice time with a guy who is not for me, so move on.

If he decides, after you have given some space (physically – no more texts or contact, and emotionally – downgrading your anxiety and your expectations) to call you to arrange a second date, then you will have had some needed time to clear your head out and get it back to being focused on you. Your level of anxiety means that you have upgraded this man in your head while a part of you knows that he has downgraded you in his. This does not have to be a permenant situation, but texting him and being worried about him/the date/when will he call so he gets that vibe, no matter how hard you try to hide it if he does call, will not help him want to upgrade you again!

I highly recommend that you read this book (along with every post here at this site and NMLs books)

http://www.amazon.com/Why-Men-Love-Bitches-Dreamgirl/dp/1580627560

Everytime you get anxious, read that book, or come here and read this blog. Over and over and over until it starts to sink in.

Btw, NML, can you do a post about upgading and downgrading concepts, if you have not already. Like really noticing when a man is downgrading you in his head and how to deal with that all too often occurence. How to stay focused on YOU and getting a prespective that is not all him-centric.

Relax…Continue with your life. Dating is a funny thing, and we shouldn’t get caught up after one fantastic date. Keep your thoughts in check because there could be a whole slew of reasons why he hasn’t called. Don’t make it a habit of reading into things that aren’t there… If he calls he is worth your energy and all of who you are. If he doesn’t, then he hasn’t spent enough time to appreciate you…So please don’t waste your time wondering. Just please go find another fantastic date and enjoy!

Thanks for this post. I wrote on another post a couple of days ago, and was starting to wonder how much of the events between my EUM and me were him and how much was me.

I used to write diary entries way back but since I’ve been dating EUM I haven’t done much. (I guess that was a sign I didn’t want to face reality.) So, this morning…I wrote out a 7 page entry..brutally honest…about me. Given much of what I’ve read throughout your website, I have realized quite harshly that I have been deluding myself…denying reality, obsessing, thinking of him, denying myself and my needs…And the one that hurts the most is that I have little self-respect or self-esteem. I allowed things to happen and continue even though he had told me throughout he wasn’t ready for a relationship… I am not dismissing all the things that he did wrong…he did a lot that was not right, and in typical EU fashion. But I’ve just been focusing on my role, and must say, feel rather ashamed. But once I got everything down on the screen…it was clear…that shift in my mind…I have to let him go. All the potential good times, all the potential love, all the potential affection… I have to let him go, and say goodbye (if only in my mind…because we have already broken up). I blamed him for times we argued (short fuse)…but really, we had no business being or staying together. We wanted/needed companionship and the semblance of love…so well, that is what it is…But it’s clear…we need to go our separate ways. In some way, he is already there..and I am only realizing it now more clearly.

And it’s overwhelming to know the work ahead of me, to make me heal..to love myself. One day at a time, by all accounts here. Could be years, by other many accounts here. Daunting…but I guess I just have to start. I never in the past 10 years, knew any of this or had the guts to want to completely let someone go in favour of healing me…until coming across this website..more importantly..until just this morning. I have so much thanks I feel. It is a heavy thanks…to you for your clear insight. One that also goes out to all the posters here. But a thanks for my start to getting me and my spirit back…the start is that SHIFT in my thinking to take the stance that I need to take, for me… I come first..Crumbs are no longer good enough. And I have to let go.

Also, right up front, he gave you the, “I am very busy,” excuse.

In my opinion, he laid the groundwork, right up front, to hook you. He is being vague right up front.

Do not, get caught in the trap of another EUM. If a man wants to see you, he will see you. It is that simple.

I wish that I would have learned this at a much younger age.

Brad K – thanks for your perspective. Its much appreciated and has opened my eyes a little more..well confirmed what I was afraid of…not being ready myself.

Jackie – thanks for your advice too.

Carm – I appreciate what you have written and hope you will read the post I am about to make on the forum

The guy sounds like he is playing a cat and mouse game with you, seems to bring up his ex as a reason why he flaked out on you and is on the dating site (why would his ex hack into his account? why would his ex tell his friends not to inform him that her father died? Those two tidbits of info in themselves are sketchy. Why is his ex playing such a big part in his life?), and has exhibited quite a few other major red flags already that you mentioned. My advice would be to bail immediately.

But more importantly, you said you don’t trust your instincts now when it comes to men, and it seems your confidence in yourself around this guy sounds really shaky, so maybe that is a sign that you are not ready to be dating yet. You said you are aware you are an EUW and are attracted to the wrong kinds of men. Maybe it would be helpful to take some time out and figure out why this is, and how to change from being an EUW first before you start dating again.

NML has many posts here on emotional unavailability and things you can do to get yourself healthier which will attract healthier men and relationships. You will find alot of great information here, and I’m glad you came across this site again.

Ayup…shift gears, paddle off in another direction, chart a new course, take a hike, sail off for a distant shore, leave the past behind, happy trails, high tail it out of town, sing a new song, find a new ride, blaze a new trail, anchors away, movin on, hey, it’s all good once you get over the shock of change. Change is good.

No matter the pace, change is good.

First, scared is not a good sign for a relationship. You aren’t tied into an arranged marriage, you aren’t committed to his jail. Walk away.

I suspect that you aren’t ready to share your life. Trying too soon, trying before you are sure of your goals, and boundaries, is unfair to the guy. You cannot help but send mixed messages.

I suspect that this guy is picking up that you don’t consider him the life mate of your mother’s dreams, so . . . that leaves him thinking you are there for a sex adventure. Only you aren’t being clear that you really want a sex adventure . . . You want all of him, to know that he isn’t slipping around, yet you aren’t to the point in the relationship, and haven’t conducted yourself, as if you are a deeply committed couple.

There is a time to worry about whether he is online and looking for someone else – or possibly online partially related to his job. Understand that if he is a detective, there will be some things his work forbids him to discuss with you, and his personal habits may keep some other topics and issues quiet.

I am not sure your red flag #3 is really that much of a red flag. He isn’t a high schooler, he has more things going on in life than homework. And keep in mind the fact he is a guy – telling him “shorts don’t go on the floor, put them in the clothes hamper” is likely to get them draped on the doorknob – for two days, then back to the floor. “. . . strength to change what I can, understanding to accept what I cannot, wisdom to know the difference . . .” Forgetting dates, birthdays – these are things that you may or may not need to accept. If he is confusing multiple dates and claiming to have forgotten – that is scummy and deceitful. At this point it is tough to say.

And because you are fearful about this – it doesn’t matter. You have to protect yourself. You will never build a secure and happy home, going into this thing with fear.

When you complain about red flags around the guys you meet – how are you going about meeting people, not just guys, that don’t have the red flags? People that respect each other, that generally enjoy their daily lives, people that are honest because it is a habit, not because someone might be watching? How are you going about looking for people that know what a stable and happy relationship is, that might help explain what a good partner for such a life would be like?

You describe yourself as beautiful – how often do you go out nekkid – with no makeup? Possibly the next guy you meet bare-faced, with no scent on you but sweat and maybe dirt, might actually be comfortable to keep around. Remember that essential feminine feature for snaring a *good* man – the smile. Nothing beats a happy smile, honestly portrayed.

Anyway, picking the best drunk in the bar is a losing proposition, obviously. But does picking the best guy in the best bar get that much better? How about the happiest guy working at the grocery store, or hardware store? How about if you found a woman delighted in her son’s character, that her neighbors respect for his character? I am just saying, if you don’t like the fish you are dredging up, try a different pond. Or pasture, or . . . whatever.