I’m working on a project with mine now, trying to keep it business-I have cut off the sexual contact, yet he still tries it on! Asking me if I want to give him a bj and if he can kiss my breasts, all the while knowing he is having sex with his 24 yr old exgf -he is 45- (one of his harem) , whom he says “I’ll eff her but I’m never gonna love her” and “I can never be happy with her. We’re sexually perfect together, but in a matter of hours, she is negative and trying to change me”. Today he put her picture up on OUR internet project-flaunting her presence in his life and it just upsets me so much that he can’t keep it business. I don’t trust him at all and think he’s going to screw me over in every way…how to break the hold?

I am still NC. He hasn’t tried to contact me yet. I still think about him on a daily basis and at times i can feel my tears welling up whenever i think about some of the things he has said and done in the past. I have now taken to writing “draft” [eg unsent] text messages on my mobile phone, saying all the things i want to say to him should he have the nerve to contact me. If ans when that happens, i can’t decide whether i should let rip, and take the opportunity to let him know [by text not phone call] that he is a broken, immature, irresponsible, using little man-boy who probably fits the criteria of a sociopath, or whether i should just BLANK his attempt to contact me.
I tell you, it wooud give me so much satisfaction to let him feel this venom i have towards him.

A fuller version of my story with this asshole can be read on the baggage reclaim ning site under the group title, “the other woman”. I must say, i felt good typing my story out. Very therapeutic.

But most of all i feel venomous towards myself. He showed me who he was a very long time ago. I did not listen. So i felt the consequences. And i know that he will use this fact [eg "i was honest and upfront with you. You knew who i was"] to deny any responsibility for hurting me.

Dear Sweetie,

Amazing your story =my story with Mr. Unavalible. So much similarity is just like you write my story.
I’m now in 2 months NC and i start to have my dignity and self esteem back. I feel so stupid, afwall and it still hurts beacuse i really believd that he loves me but did’t show me because of his own issues.
I believed so strong in “our” love and now i’m so disappointed that i’m really affraid if i will ever open my heart again to someone else.

This site help me a lot trought this time and i feel with all of you and wish you a lot of SELF love!!

‘I am telling you this, to not be jeoulous about the woman after you, they will never change, especially when they reached a certain age. They will just commit to someone, that has even less boundaries and expectations than us, but they will not change from one day to another and become suddenly a decent guy.’

I needed to read this, though it’s hard to imagine that anyone could have fewer boundaries than some of us are left with after years of involvement with an EUM/AC. I’ve been holding onto the shreds of whatever was left with the AC for far too long rather than leave him to my rival but I’ll pour my heart out on the forum over that.

Sweetie 187 I admire your strength and wish I had the same, you are doing the right thing – good luck.

*Hugs*

thanks ever so much for your encouraging words and support x-x-x-

I send you lots of love for the difficult step you are taking. Getting rid of an AC and learing to create and maintain your boundaries is really hard work, something we have to work on everyday. It’s hard at first, but it’s do-able and very empowering. If you ever feel like wavering and calling this man, read the articles and posts here. You’ve given this man 2 years of yor life and he didn’t deserve it.No take the time to learn tolove you. Good luck

It’s called Loving What is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life
by Byron Katie and Stephen Mitchell.

They all sense the same, that something is wrong, and I saw to those questions, he never answered directly, barely amigious or he just cut them off. He is not answering, cause he played that game already thousand times, and did the same thing to me. The days he disappeared, were the days he had contact with the other haremsgirls, the days, when he suddenly blew cold to me, were the days, when he blowed hot to another one.

And all his so called friends, that he claimed he had no sex with, he has to add them NEW on facebook as friends every two month. And he had the nerv to tell me, he has no real good friends, no one is taking care of him.

I really had the luck to see behind all that, but still it took me long time to say goodbuy to my illusions and say hello to reality, I hope my story can help one of you, to get over faster.

Like NML said, when a man misses you, he doesn’t take the risk to lose you, nothing, no obstacle in this world will prevend him from being with you.

xxx

I read this blog now every day, to get over and to understand, because I’ve never met someone like this before, like my EUM.

And breaking NC some days ago and feeling awful after it, I came to the decision, that if I ever feel “weak” again, I will read first that blog, to come back to reality, before I even think about breaking contact. It’s a long process, I have to break old patterns, that were created in my childhood ( my father was/still is an EUM, I realize now). And I love to read all your comments, it’s amazing to see how similar all those stories are to mine.

One thing I wanted to add, about maintaining the position and the girl after us.
Cause I had the chance to check his emails (that he probably subconsciously didn’t hide, so I can read them), where I saw all over the narcissistic harem and how he is talking with them all.

First, there are some girls, that live in another country (me included), that he is using just for an egostroke, that means he has no intention to ever date them, it’s just like a kick, like a drug, that he uses, to blow his ego. He asking for pics, having sex talk and so on.
Then there are the second type of fallback girls, which he claims to be his friends and that he loves them. He is using them for casual sex, and for the idea that he is not alone, that there is some “love” in his life.
Then there was the number one fallback girl. He knows this woman for over 30 years, she was his first girlfirend, when he was young. They still had sex with each other, though she had of course several relationships beside him.
That’s the one he was always talking about, like she is a long lost love, that he canÄt forget, a woman, that every girl he meets he will compare with.
But guess what! She wants him, I’ve read that between her lines, but still he is just playing with her. He is writing more to her than to others, like I love you, what he never said to me for example, and instead of just three words, maybe two sentences. But still, she is just a fallback girl, too. For 30 years. Now since 2 years, she doesn’t wanna see him any more. And that is the reason, why he can write and tell her all the nice things, because there is no danger for him, that she might expect something from him like that his actions match his words.

And I remeber, we were having breakfast, and he told me that if his other ex is making him feel bad and stresses too much, she calls this woman, cause then his “heart goes boom”, he might take care for her, when she is old. First and till some days ago, this was like a knife in my heart, seeing that he is able to love and so on. But do you see, “he calls her, when the other ex is making stress”, he is just using her for an ego stroke too.

Another thing was the girlfriend he had before, she was 23 (he is 49). He told me, that she too checked his mails, and was angry that he still had contact with all his ex, she left him. And so he told me, she didn’t understand that, this ment nothing, it was just emails blablabla.

I am telling you this, to not be jeoulous about the woman after you, they will never change, especially when they reached a certain age. They will just commit to someone, that has even less boundaries and expectations than us, but they will not change from one day to another and become suddenly a decent guy.
And i remeber how he said to me, “I made this girl crazy”, the other ex is “depressive and needs anti depressants and is full if pain”. So that is what a future would look like with such an idiot.

Take care all. Love to all.

love to all

This was the first person that I had any interest in for many many years. He is the one who initially showed interest in me, texting, messaging, eventually calling frequently. I really did like him. Finally I invited him to visit, we had a wonderful day together (very, very romantic). If you saw him with me, you would have thought that he really liked me. The next day, I didn’t hear from him even after texting him a couple of times. The following day, I did hear from him, all xoxo. I let him know that I needed to know that he was interested so that I didn’t feel like I was chasing after him. His response was that he didn’t know what kind of relationship that he wanted with me and actually made me sound like I thought that I was already in a relationship with him. Then he essentially offered me the option of being strung along until he made up his mind.

Zing. I knew that I was wasting my time and my energy and I bowed out quickly. I think that I was good in terms of not defending myself or having much of a conversation about it. I just told him no thankyou, I’m not interested. I un-friended him on facebook and I deleted his number from my phone immediately. I did email him a couple of times but having read this site, I think that I really need to question my motivations and go completely NC.

Thank you!