When I speak to women in crappy relationships, a consistent theme is not only a guy who is either a Mother Lover (Mummy’s Boy) or a Mother Hater, but often these men are living with their mothers.
Now I’m going to say something that no doubt many men won’t like and certainly it should set off some alarm bells if you’re with one of these guys:
Most guys with a healthy relationship with their mother and a fairly decent level of connection to their emotions, definitely do not want to be living with their mother past their mid to late twenties; thirty at a push.
Unless he has been a victim of famine, and destruction, for instance, financial issues, no man who actually wants to have a relationship and do it in a healthy way is going to be literally living under his mothers apron strings.
This may sound harsh but the reality is that I am yet to come across a man living with his mother that is able to have a healthy relationship with a girlfriend.
It is bad enough going out with a guy that’s an overt mummy’s boy, but at least he’s evolved enough to have made it out of the house! The words ‘uphill struggle’ spring to mind.
I’ll buy the necessity reason for a year or two, but the thing is, most of the men who I have ever come across that still live with their mothers, live there because they want to. Oh they might do the whole One Time in Bandcamp Thing, where they claim they had a problem that caused them to be living at home with them and yada, yada, yada, but by the time you meet them, that problem is waaaaay in the past and no longer relevant.
I know of some very well off men that still live at home…Mind you, they’re well off because they save a fortune….and they’re tight….
He’s living there because he wants to. He can avoid getting serious in his relationships by having an obstacle of his mother. If things don’t work out, he can always convince himself that it was because you didn’t impress his mother or you weren’t as perfect as you should be.
But…let’s say you did meet a guy and he lived with his mother – if he’s serious about you, he will want to be moving out of his mothers pronto! Do you want to be putting a ‘do not disturb’ sign on your door or only getting jiggy at your place because you don’t want to be thinking of his mother lying in bed in her rollers and blue rinse, listening to the two of you having a shag?
Clandestine is funny and exciting for a little while, but at some point, you want your relationship to progress past the high school gates!
Trust me, there are men out there who are ‘mummy’s boy’s’ with a healthy love and respect for their mum – having a healthy emotional connection is good for your relationship.
But I can assure you, if a man is in his thirties, and especially in his forties or fifties (heaven forbid any older) and is STILL living at home with his mother and trying to have ‘vague’ relationships, this is a red flag and I would proceed with caution.
Trust me, I know women who met men living with their mothers when they were in their thirties. Now, they’re men living with their mothers in their forties. Sometimes, you can even manage to get them to move out only for them to spend so much time back at their mum’s that they might as well still live there.
Moving out is actually part of your personal development. Do the words responsibility and independence ring a bell here?.
So what do men with their mothers tend to do in their relationships?
They tend to be emotionally unavailable.
They dodge commitment.
They behave like ‘Recycled Teenagers’ – overgrown manchildren ducking responsibility, often avoiding paying bills, washing their own clothes and cooking their own dinner.
They have exceptionally large egos – often these men have mothers who are blowing smoke up their bums telling them how great and special they are. Because they don’t live in ‘reality’, they are very disconnected from who they actually are.
They always have problems – There are always obstacles that prevent these guys from making the leap. After a while, they start making up problems about the mother so that they can stall leaving. Be careful – they may even say things to their mother’s to make things awkward for you…Next thing, you’re the obstacle.
They’re tightfisted – Clearly living at home has it’s financial benefit as they don’t spend as much as they would if they had to be self-sufficient and they convince themselves that relationships are ‘expensive’.
They’re permanent daters – It’s like they’re just trying on shoes for size and reminding themselves that they’re not big babies because they still live at home with their mothers. You’re like an ego fluffer that gives him a semblance of normality because some of these guys do have enough connection to become worried about how they are perceived.
You become their ‘beard’ for creating an external persona – what they don’t realise is that nothing can disguise the strangeness of them choosing to live with their mother’s.
The likelihood is that the way you will become aware of the ‘danger’ is when this situation exists in the context of a poor relationship. For me, after one man too many with mother issues, you couldn’t get me near a guy that lived with his mother for love nor money, but often women do find themselves dating these men, believing that it’s just the love of a good woman that has stood between him and the act of packing his bags and moving out.
If you are that woman, you’ll find out soon enough. But…if you’re not, and instead you discover that like Princess Diana said “There were three of us in this marriage, so it was a bit crowded”, I would seriously reconsider your options and back off.
No relationship should be about using your efforts to prove to a man that you love him and you’re the woman to make him change, in the hope that one day he might reciprocate. You certainly shouldn’t have to have to concern yourself with getting him out of his mothers.
Don’t dodge broaching the subject of him living with his mother. Always find out a man’s living arrangements up front (I have had a guy telling me he lived with his ex girlfriend…on the third date and another dropping a wife into the conversation on a first date) and do get some clarification on why he doesn’ t have his own place and set yourself a limit. The older he is, the shorter that limit should be and worst case scenario, it should be a year, tops. And stick to it because unless you want this to be a permanent arrangement, you need to recognise when it’s time to abort the mission.
Your thoughts?
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In this day and age there really is no excuse for living with your mom except for one. My mother had fallen on hard financial times and moved in with me. What I thought was going to be a few months turned into a couple of years that turned into resentment.
Knowing what I like to do with my women/SOs, I can’t have my mother in my house. It totally killed my confidence because I had no idea how I was going to move from dating to banging or even hanging out at my apartment. Also, as a side-effect, because of the time that I lived with my mom, I don’t really know how to host a woman in my space w/o being really nervous. I don’t usually invite women over or home, and push to keep things away from my home. I don’t know how that bodes for the future, but I def. want to experience my own ups/downs and success/failure sans mother.
Mom is still struggling and angling to get back in my place, but I refuse to do it and am kind of having trouble dealing with it.
NML-this is an interesting post and one which with I agree. Part of one’s emotional and psychological maturation is to leave “home” i.e mother, move into the real world and learn to be self-reliant and independent. Grown men who live with their mothers/parents are not really “grown” men they’re just big boys. My very first boyfriend lived with his mom until he was well in his 30’s and we meet in college. No matter how I begged he was comfortable at home and yes he was cheap. I say this: if I am a woman and I am able to move out of my parents’ home, get and maintain a job, rent or own my own place, pay my bills on time and pretty much be responsible for myself and my life then damn, he must be too. That is certainly not too much to ask.
NML – you replied to my comment last night under ‘if he doesn’t end the relationship why can’t you’ & I am back on the site this evening reading more. Again, this post is very accurate. Yes he does live with his mother.. it’s amazing how accurate this is in fact. I’m very glad I found your site.
Good post!
Beginning a relationship is a change in a person’s life. There are adaptations to make, habits to break and reform, daily routines to adjust. Not to mention laundry and coordinating bed times.
Change is tough. And requires a big reason, a trauma (flood, fire, wearing out your shoes, etc.) or an expected reward (more time with a wonderful person or pet, get to keep a job of improve your situation) to drive one from the ruts of nirvana.
And living at home – doesn’t leave one hungry. Mom has spent her life addressing The Precious Little One’s hunger. Someone living at home into adulthood – isn’t hungry. He/she may be resigned or may be content. But the ruts of fate that bind them to their destiny are *massive*. The adult at-home child has no dream of a relationship, or a life out from under Mom’s wing. They are content with Mom’s cooking and Mom’s life. They aren’t hungry enough to risk the change needed for the treasures you have to offer.
Brad- This is a great response and elegant way that you put it. My sentiments exactly!!!
Thanks Brad, this is soooo true !!!
I was with a guy in his mid 40`s (!) who always made good money, had his own house and two cars but chose to live with his mommy (having his married sister with kids round the corner) . I could understand that he briefly did live with some of his exes when he was a young boy but he probably learnt at that time that he had nothing secured there as much as he has at home with Mommy.
Yes, a relationship and living together requires two people respecting each other and contributing to the housework and budget and generally both have some shared responsibilities. And he knew that. You can be the most stunning, softest, smartest, funniest woman with a good job and he still would not move out of his mommy`s because he knows he couldn`t just come and leave home as he pleases, not care about laundry, shopping, meals, having no responsibility for anything and paying only some 200 as a rent ??? No woman would ever put up with that other than his mommy. And he loves his lifestyle. Even if it means that he`s got a single room in his mom`s house and can`t really bring anyone in or do anything with the house unless his mom okayed that.
I lived away from my parents since I was 19, rented my own place, paid my own bills, had a good job and without any arrogance I think I can say I am attractive and smart plus we had the same interests, sense of humour etc. so it did seem to click well. He was quite desperate to have kids and pushing me to have one yet he never wanted to move in with me ? It started as a long-distance romance but then I virtually moved mountains and worked very hard to move over to his country.
He then started making excuses that he didn`t like the city I was staying in but when I finally got a job over in his area he totally freaked out and refused us to be together ! At the same time though, he pushed for the baby ! All it would take would be him moving into MY place and if it didn`t work out, he could easily move back to his mom. His job involved driving across the whole country every day so it didn`t really matter where he would be based. Who else has it so easy ? Plus it was him at the beginning wanting to get married and updating his own house for “US”. What a clown.
If an adult healthy and wealthy man chooses to live with his mom and married older sister and prefers to spend his time with them and his mates rather than to be with his girlfriend, then there`s something not normal. If he is too scared to leave the security and safety of his mommy`s home and will rather lose the relationship than to move out well that speaks volumes.
My issue was that although he had left home, his mother and her elderly care were still at the centre of his life (don’t get me wrong, I respect that he cares for his mum, but his life is dominated her needs). He used his mother’s needs as an excuse not to move to away, get a new job or commit to our relationship. Like Diana, the relationship was crowded with the three of us so I decided to demote him from partner to friend to leave me free to date again. I have experienced this situation in the last two relationships so I will be quickly alerted to the warning signs in furture relationships.
In the first relationship like this (my husband), I felt that he was a better husband to his mum (without the sexual side) than he was too me. I felt redundant which was not a nice place to be in a marriage.
“…I felt that he was a better husband to his mum (without the sexual side) than he was too me”
I felt the same about my ex and his HAPPILY MARRIED older sister… He was always there for her, cared for her, shared cars with her, paid some of her bills, taking her kids out, spending evenings after work with her and her family, discussing all his problems/everything with her while he hardly said antyhing to me… At the same time he lived round the corner in his mom`s house, where mom looked after the house, laundry, meals etc.
There was only one thing they couldn`t give him – his own kid. And sex. And this shows how much (or little) any girlfriend could ever mean to him, not much. Just a breeding stock. He could be nice and polite to his girlfriends and once in a blue moon take them for a nice day out but that was it. You could never get beyond that. I believe that even if he had a kid with someone, he would still be rather seeking his sister`s advice and guidance rather than trying to work it out with his partner.
I was foolish enough to let an EUM move in with me because it was no longer viable for him to be living at home… Don’t ever do this… he was still the free loading couch potato he was at home leaving me with the bills and all the rent and one massive pile of resentment… interestingly enough he has only for a short time ever had his name on a lease and right now this guy is back home with mum…
A few days ago I was starting to doubt myself about ending a relationship even though I was soo unhappy in it. This post was the death knell to any thoughts that I had about going back with Mr. EUM. He is 35 years and has never lived anywhere but at home with his mother and sisters. NML’s list of what to expect really hit home:
They tend to be emotionally unavailable – After almost a year he still wouldn’t call me his g/friend or give of himself emotionally.
They dodge commitment – As one reader said, he couldn’t commit to a bath towel. He never included me in his plans and worse, never asked about mine.
They behave like ‘Recycled Teenagers’ – His sisters wash his clothes and Mummy cooks. He is the King of that castle. No real responsibility except to wash his car. No wait – his nephew does that for him!
They have exceptionally large egos – Very true. He believes that he’s special but not others. Thinks that he is exceptionally clever too…
They always have problems – He’s ill. Broke. Experiencing difficulties with his colleagues (He used to complain that they didn’t like him because he was so professional, well dressed adn direct. I suspect they don’t like him because he is a clown…). Car not working. This in turn impacted on the “relationship….” Of course, if I would be more understanding, the relationship could “progress.”
They’re tightfisted – Cheap m@th*r Fu@k*r! I remember asking him what made him so broke and he said the usual – nothing. He never had the money or time to do things with me, but yet he signed up for flying lessons. Hmmm…
They’re permanent daters – That’s how it felt, like a date. Only I was the one paying for it and scheduling these “dates” until I wised up to myself. I was always last on his list of priorities too – that’s if I was ever on the list….
So glad that this post came along when it did to kill any ideas I had about trying again.
I have just found this site, I did have a man who didn’t leave home till he was 38 when we finally got married. In that same year his dad died after a short illness. His mum depends on him for everything, shopping (taking up to 3 hours) and helping with things. We have not been allowed one christmas together on our own, or even to visit my family. She is there judging all the time. We live close to her and he pops up, after she rings over something trivial. And i have to take a back seat to his mum. When i speak she talks over me, i sat yesterday for 3 hours 3 to sort out a form for her, and never got a thanks. Today i wanted to go to my Grandads grave 10 year anniversary and we couldn’t because hubby had to do something for the form (for her) and take her shopping. Then he doesn’t stand up for me. His none existent sister has every excuse up her sleeve not to bother with her, she hasn’t seen her since before Christmas. Because they were sick. There always bloody sick. I’m sick of them, I;m the one retired to due health, on 19 tablets a day for pain and have lots wrong with me, but no she needs him right now. I’m sick of playing second violin. I;’ve tried ignoring her doesnt work, i’ve tried being nice to her doesn’t work. I tell you the truth, mothers really need to butt out. And i’m not allowed to say one thing, we nearly came to divorce not long after we married, partly because he was sulking with me and drink litres of drink every day and i just had to put up with it. Men who dont leave also cant handle anything. Not one thing without mummy saying its ok. if i knew now what i knew then i wouldnt have married him, besides the other point about these type of men the bedroom department is crap
Fran- without sounding rude please stop being a victim honey, this guy has one love in his life his mummy. Christ Im having the sweats that my son of 18 is still here 38!!! oh my lord. You can turn this around, but its gonna take guts, are you sick and tired of being sick and tired? if not then this will continue forever and you will become iller and iller or you could take control of your life and do whats best for you. Stop filling forms and stuff for everyone else, they are adults, the more you do the less they do, your enabling them to continue to mistreat you. Stop mistreating yourself and start putting your foot down NOW!! Why? cos your worth it.
Thanks for this enlightening piece. Before I start, I will must confess that I finally left living with my mum until I was 31 after many attempts to leave permanently. The reason (NOT an excuse) I have a “dis”-ability, which I WASN’T told about until many years later. Hence, I was treated although I wasn’t capable of dealing with the world. Contrary to what the authoress stated DID want wanted to leave and make my way in wilderness. As mike said its uncomfortable bring a woman “home” when you live with your folks. This was another factor why I wanted to leave. When I living there DID PUNCTALLY & PROMPTLY pay “rent” to my mum. Through the help and guidance & fight of my sister I got the support I was robbed of to help me achieve my aims. I’m now live alone in 1 bed flat(something I wanted from my teens). My rent, fuel and phone are all paid through MY effots. Bills I love ’em! (why people moan about them?) because it tells me I’m a man. As I said these women who complain are you looking at the negative sides of the men? I strongly believe (within reason) that EVERY ADULT HAS A RIGHT TO INDEPENDENT LIVING!
If you say that I’m sympathy seeking then you’ve got it wrong!
Once again thanks for this insight into how women view the issue. There’s few things more annoying than to be getting negative treatment and you don’t know why.
It’s amazing what you can do when given the opportunity
My sister is seeing a 35 year old man who lives with his brothers aged 42, 45 and 49 at home with their parents. His mother rules all the men, phoning them when they are out and giving times for them to be at home. Prayer and daily Mass attendance are a must. My sister’s 35 year old is kind, considerate, generous and overly generous with gifts and money but when Mum calls, not matter the situation, he races home. All my friends say dysfunctional beyond belief – Can anyone explain why they are all still at home?
Just remember sometimes adults move back with their “single” Parents because of health and/or financial reasons. This isn’t the animal kingdom we don’t abandon the crippled.
I think they’re referring to men that never moved out due to the inability of taking responsibility for their lives. It’s quite different than a child caring for a parent due to financial or health concerns.
My ex was worse than all of your combined. His mother would bang on my front door, or she would send his friends to get him like he was a child. His mother calls all his girlfriends drunks. His mother is married. What appears to be happening is she is use to having him around so he can wait on her and her husband. She seems to cozy up to his friends which I thought was bizarre. This gal was so bad, I just left. He told me he has to find someone who will get along with his mother. I told him to forget it, he is just putting women in a bad situation. This guy was 42. He probably will never marry or have a family. He’ll just end up an old mama’s boy. This is very strange.
I was really happy when I met my BF as he seemed to have such a good relationship with his mother whereas my ex hated his parents. I thought my BF’s good relationship with his mum meant that he was capable of loving me, but 3 years later I am gradually learning about these mother-loving men. He officially lives with mum who lives a fair way away from where he works and has lived with her on and off throughout his adult life. He lodges with a friend (mother substitute) and goes home to stay with mum about one week out of four. He has a massive ego and is manipulative in a way that took me quite awhile to realise as I knew there was something going on but couldn’t quite put my finger on it. I have repetitively brought up the subject of him moving in with me but it just never seems to happen. From his actions I see that he is a selfish little boy who just wants to have a good time and spend his money on himself. He goes off to visit his mother on his own for long periods saying that I could come if I want, but he goes for longer than I could manage to get time off and always stays longer than he says he is going to. He is far closer to her emotionally than he is to me. I feel like a mistress. I feel like the only thing I can give him that his mum can’t is sex. That is all he really needs me for. I am sick of waiting for him to step up to the mark and behave like an adult. I am starting to realise that he doesn’t want a relationship with a real adult woman, he wants the cushy cocoon of mother-love in which he is ‘special’. He is such a hypocrite. He constantly criticises others and the mistakes they make in life, but he never looks at himself, and the fact that he does not take on responsibility means he is immune from criticism or so he thinks. He thinks he is god’s greatest gift to the world. I feel like a little person on the periphery of his life who is jumping up and down going look at me please, but he never sees me or values me for the unique person I am and I end up feeling like a nobody-nothing. I am coming to the conclusion that he is emotionally unavalable and that he is incapable of valuing me as an individual. I have tried to explain things to him, but I just don’t think he is motivated to change. He has got things just as they suit him.
I’m going to admit, I’m 32,African American male and still live with my mother and PROUD OF IT! NO SHAME! I came across this website, read the article, and made me think, There are so many negative stereotypes about a man living with his mother, but what about the positive ambitions of the man. I have a part-time job, I go to a community college, I pay my bills(in most cases,rent),i have to contribute money, to help out out on groceries.I definity not a freeloader, lazy,or inreponsible person.My mother DOESN’T dress me,DOESN’T cater to me like a lazy slob,DOESN’T rule my life or my opinions.DOESN’T issue a curfew! All she does is provide a roof over my head and i’m grateful for that.The type of job that I work may only cover for rent. What about the other bills like electricity, phone, food, if not, cable!It’s hard to find a decent paying job to accommidate those bills. There hasn’t been a day I wish to move out of my mother’s home. Bottom line. As long as the man has a goal or an ambition to reach an higher level of imcome,and education. I see let him be.Trust me, I’m sure that I’m not the only man that feel this way. I’m sure that I will some form of criticism.
Craig you aren’t honestly the welfare system along with the Willie Lynch programming of most black women got them thinking like this anyways.
Also many black women grow up having bad relationships with their mothers anyways I would know personally I grew up in a city where that’s all they do on a daily basis, disobey mother, run the streets and end up getting sent away to reformatory school or a group home, Black women problem with their whole “independent” crap is that is supports individualism and individualism ain’t gonna solve the economic challenges the black community faces everyone else racial group practice GROUP ECONOMICS all except black folk, Black women stop f00ling yourselves with these biased articles and do some research on Dr. Claude Anderson, IT’S WAKE UP CALL TIME!!!
ok so i just met a 50 year man who seems really nice and has a great job but LIVES WITH HIS MOTHER! for 5 years now! he moved in at first becouse she has a hip replacment and needed help but that was 5 years ago. He is attractive goes to church everyweek makes good money ect…. But i cannot get over the fact that he has choosen to live with his mother for the past 5 years! i am 42 years old and it just seems to to to weird… how do i know really what kind of man he is if i cannot really see how he lives?? Am i judging him to hard???
man,,,,,,,,,,,seeing so much that is familiar to me in this post and all the feedback posted….it’s like it was written about my boyfriend, who is 38 and lives with his Mom. One can keep saying it’s just temporary, or there are difficult circumstances… but bottom line is he is forging a stronger relationship with her on a daily basis and our relationship is weakening. I am looking at moving, and it was suggested I consider moving in with the 2 of them. I realised that could never happen. As a professional, mature, independant woman, I need to feel I have a home. And to move in with a mother and son, I think I would always feel the odd one out, and never “at home”. Sad to realise this, sad that he doesn’t isn’t bursting to move out into our own place together, and sad to admit my dreams of a new house for the 2 of us only are just dreams, but on the bright side, I may be able to afford a place of my own sooner than later…and have discovered a very good friend i can always count on and trust —-myself…….
I met a man through a dating website who is 50+ years old. He has never lived apart from his parents. That seemed just plain odd to me. I found this site while searching for insight to this odd situation. I don’t know what to think – but I feel I made the right decision to not further the relationship.
What a great article. I’m finished with my relationship with Mummy’s Boy. It’s a lot of courage to end the relationship. This article is so true.
I sympathize with women who are in love with Mummy’s boy. It’s heart breaking, but once I realized what I really wanted was not him, I felt better.
From the start he lied to me. He said that his mother was visiting for the summer. Three months later I found out from her, not him, “This is my house. I live here!” Then I stayed with him because I wanted to prove that what we had was real.
He had an inflated ego, and he’d tell me how big he was … often.
Then, there was the realization that he never made plans with me. On weekends, he wanted to stay at home. And if I didn’t come over, we didn’t see each other. Sometimes I’d say, ‘let’s get together this weekend’, he’d say ‘okay’ and he’d disappear without a call til monday.
Getting together felt like a booty call. Once a week seemed to be good enough, and make it a Monday or Tuesday afternoon at my place while his mom was at the Dr.s office.
He’d say he loves me. But, also say, “you’ve only been around for 3 yrs. My mom has always been mine.”
Then I realized that they talked about their ways and their life exclusively. He was an only child, and he talked like he and his mom were the only ones of their kind left in the world. I was definitely the outsider. He had a travel bag with pictures of women that he dated over the years … and his mother was very proud of how beautiful the women in his life were. His conquests were part of her ego.
Several times, he’d go too his mother’s room after we had sex, and be with her because she needed him. And once she got so upset that I came over at 10pm that they had a screaming fight in her bedroom. She had heart problems, Angina, 3 times while I was over. I realized that I couldn’t be around her at all without drama. The last thing I needed was for him to blame me for her heart attacks.
She’d walk in the room while we were having sex.
And the clincher. She’d walk in the room while he was naked, and they’d talk face to face like it was perfectly normal!
He’s nearly 50. He’d talk about how his dad died, and left the responsibility of taking care of mom on him. But he died 7 yrs ago. So, they will probably live together forever. Good luck to the next women who will be objectified and put in the suitcase.
Wow, after reading this article I thought of one person..my co-worker hes is 50 years old and lives with his mom..AT FIRST he moved in to help care for his ill dad..hes been dead for years and his mom is more than able to care for her self..she drives him to air ports and shops and cooks etc by herself..He is not married and has never had kids…these men remind me of one fictional character NORMAN BATES from psycho lol I mean seriously..its one thing to have your mom move in with YOU for a little while but if you live with mommy at 50 years old..you have no hope..my coworker is one cocky guy too he thinks hes just so perfect, he hords things( like money) and is a perfectionist. I can see certain sitiations where it is ok to help your mother out..but it’s true some men are dependant on their mommies..It just really disturbs me when Men like this make excuses as to why they are living there. I pity my coworker really..i mean what kind of life is that to live? Always “to busy” for a relationship but the real reason is you live with you mom..just really creeps me out..ick.
i dated a guy over 60 who always went running home to mummy…sick
I don’t live with my mom. I’m 23 and I share rent on a crappy apartment with my girl. But it’s tough times. Until a few months ago my parents, caught under a pretty bad mortgage, needed me to pay them rent just to make ends meet. That’s a lot better than giving your money away to someone you don’t know. Sure it sucks, trying to sneak in after a night of fun like you’re 16 again but it’s the least you can do for the people that raised you. I remember when my dad used to work overtime so he could buy me NIKE tennis shoes for school.
The older guy living with his mom stereotype, you guys need to have some sympathy there. Men generally have shorter lifespans than women. I was in a relationship with a woman for 3 years, and when she left me it was devastating. So I could only imagine having your spouse of 20-30+ years dying. I can only imagine how dependent you’d become on people, having become so used to having your lover and your children with you for that amount of time. Then what? Off to the old folk’s home? Sit in your empty house and think?
Personally, if my parent’s don’t die at the same time, I’m going to invite my mother or father to come live with my wife and kids and I. Just like my parents moved in next door to my grandma and grandpa to help take care of them.
For god’s sake people, have a little compassion. I hope your kids don’t leave you out in the cold.
Robert,
I think you’re missing the point. This isn’t about taking care of ones parent’s but about being capable of having a normal loving relationship with others and growing up.
I hurt my girlfriend, not badly, just a stupid argument really. Within 2 weeks she had found someone else on the internet, who had told her in the 1st 2 weeks of them chatting, without meeting, that he loved her and he wanted to marry her !! This guy is 36, and still lives at home with his mum, has no job, and lives 100 miles away from her. Just out of interest I wondered if any women would like to comment on what sort of guy they think he is ? Yes I will admit that Im still in love with my ex, but have already told her that although I love her, she has made her choice, and while she is seeing anyone else I will not even be her friend. Any thoughts please….
I got something even worse than all this put together ill start from the beginning:
I met my current bf in summer high school term 5 1/2 years ago, we were friends about a couple of months before we got together. everything was going fine until about a year into the relationship, his parents (his mom at first started acting funny) but we just attributed that to them not accepting him growing up. and long, LONG story short, I just recently gave birth to a baby boy by him 3 months ago (we are 22yrs. old) and everything was going well until 2 months ago when his sister came to their house and convinced them that our son may not be his. they are now saying that he CANNOT see his son unless he gets a DNA test (which by the way they are NOT offering to pay for) and that even after a DNA test is done we cannot be together to take care of our son and if we want to see each other we have to be “chaperoned” its very saddening….
Ive been in a recent relationship, up until two weeks ago, with a 31 year old man! Hes been living with he’s mother on and off all hes life, At first he’s mother seemed really amazing, and very nice, she would say things like, I cant beleive hes finally found a great women, and I cant beleive you let him see me! At first I didnt understand what she meant, becuase I moved out at 18 years old and never looked back, I loved being independent and having my own home! It was good at first then I noticed the lies, I noticed he could never communicate with me regarding hes feelings! Then one day hes mother had a go at me, saying horrible things, and if he wants to see hes family he can, He would tell me he didnt want to go home, so it was becoming very confusing for me by this time. I done everything possible to make them happy, the hole family. The mother in the end was unbearable, she would call me names when I was talking to him on the phone, he never opens hes own mail, cant answer the phone if shes around. She calls him bubba and speaks to him with such disrespect. Im in such shock, I didnt know 31 year old men where like this, its very weird very weird! She would even kick him out of the house if he was late coming home when he was suppose too! They are both heavly reliant on drugs and they have strong bond because of this! She is in need of mental help, and after thinking about everything I think he is too! What the hell is going on here?????
Wow, very interesting. Im glad I found this site.
I met a guy 55–seemed really nice. When getting to know him I asked “what do you do?” He said he’s a “professional student.” Flag number 1. Then I asked “what is your living situation?: He said his mother lives with him and he also takes care of his sister who has dementia. I thought well, no job; goes to school; takes care of mom and sis. He’s a nice guy trying to do the right thing. Turns out, its his mom’s house–who by the way is very spry and gets around quite well. Mom takes care of his sis along with a nurse who comes regularly. He lives in her basement and smokes weed and hangs out with his loser friends. He never has money and expected me to sleep with him in his mom’s basement. He called it “his apartment” but there’s no kitchen or toilet down there. It’s definitely not an apartment. I tried to be a good person and not judge him too harshly right away, but I had to break it off. I am 48, own my own home, work, and care for my two kids. I dont need another kid. I would have still hung out with him cause we did have some stuff in common, but I was always annoyed with the guy. He sent me an email one day–it was in his mother’s name (good grief!). I knew it was time to go. My first instinct was to turn him down. Always go with your instinct!!
I LIVE WITH A WOMAN WHO HAS TWO “BOYS” 35 AND 31. THEY HAVE NO INTENTION OF GROWING UP,IS THERE ANY HOPE OF ME EVER HAVING HAVING A NORMAL RELATIONSHIP WITH THIS WOMAN?
I met a nearly 50 year old middle eastern immigrant soon after my divorce. He was polite and intelligent. At that time he lived with his
older sister and brother who had also both come here as immigrants. I was new to the dating world, and assumed his living situation was only temporary due to their recent immigration. Well, two years later, not only does he live with his sister and brother, but now his mother has also joined them.
After their new year celebration, which I wasn’t invited to due to the fact that his sister does not like me because I am divorced with kids, I decided to call it quits. He hasn’t let go, and this break up has been going on for 2 months now.
He has a big ego, but that may also be due to his cultural background.
The thing that got me after reading this post was that there is always something that comes up and inbetween the two of us.
He says he loves me so much, and shows it too, but if he were really serious about being in a more healthy relationship with me in the future, I would think he would be taking steps to do just that. Instead, he has asked me to just wait until his family is able to do for themselves, and he is free.
I met a really funny guy whos 35. We work for the same company but in different locations. Our paths often meet. At first we flirted like mad. I sent him some emails through the company email and he showed them to some of the other guys. They all told him to go for it and told me the same cause we are both single. He lives with his mum and for whatever reason he is emotionally unattached. He has started ignoring me, saying to everyone he has a girlfriend and has called me a stalker (im not). He has made me really sad cause I thought he was so nice. I dont understand.
There’s a lot of butthurt women in this topic that have been in some relationships with some very selfish people. However, I don’t think selfish people are unique to living at home with parents, they are in all walks of life. There are many reasons why adult children live at home and topics like this don’t help the stigma attached to it.
I’ll give you an insight about myself. I moved back home at the age of 24 (I’m 28 now) to live with my mother. My father (who was married to my mother for 25 years) left her for a woman that is my age. This took a huge emotional toll on our entire family and left my mother in pieces. She would call me on the phone a few nights a week telling me how she wanted to kill herself and how horrible her life had become etc. This put me in an extreme depression and I felt I had to come home to not only give her support be receive support from her because we were both hurt our family dynamics had changed so much so quickly (there was no indication my dad was cheating on her).
Now, I’m 28 years old, I have a new girlfriend of 6 months, and my mom is doing better. We developed a wonderful relationship over the last few years and we are very good friends. I spend about 3-4 nights a week at my girlfriend’s place and our relationship is the strongest I’ve ever experienced (this is the first time I’ve ever been/experienced love and it’s wonderful).
There are many people that have judged me over the last four years and painted me as lazy/immature/irresponsible because of my living situation. However, I work full time, have saved a considerable amount of money and live in a huge house that would be lonely if it was only my mother that lived there. I have tried really hard to get her to go out and meet new people (maybe even try dating) as it would be wonderful for her confidence if she would experience this (she’s 53 years old now and has never been with anyone but my father). She’s much more content drinking every night and falling asleep to reruns of Matlock.
I have turned down jobs that are higher paying than what I have now so I could stay close to my friend’s and family. My mother isn’t overbearing and I do not live like a child. Friends/girlfriend are welcome whenever, there is no curfue and I don’t expect her to cook dinner or do my laundry (even though she occasionally does both), just like she doesn’t expect me to mow the lawn or help with heavy lifting activities (even though I’m happy to help).
I have struggled with my confidence a bit over the years because I feel that I am included in a societal stigma that shouldn’t exist. I feel it’s selfish for people to believe leaving behind a mother in need is better for you as a person. What does it matter that I live with my mom? We are great friends and she has had a traumatic experience, my dad was her life.
I never had a great relationship with my mom growing up. These last few years have allowed me to grow and understand what a wonderful human being she really is. Her depending on me and me depending on her during hard times has allowed my character to grow and allow me to accept love in my life.
So please, realize that topics like these are truly selfish and find a scapegoat for what the really issue is (you had relationships with shitty people and believe that a living situation defines a person). I’m sorry, but you’re going to miss out on some truly wonderful people in your life if you continue to be this superficial.
Also, just a fun fact, Ray Ramono (the star of “Everybody Loves Raymond”) lived with his parents into his early 30’s. Do you guys think he’s an immature loser?
Robert–
You WENT BACK to live with your mother, for one. You did not live with her into your 20s. For two, not ALL men who live with their mothers turn out to be jerks. BUT a lot of them get spolied. And a lot of those men (the true mama’s boys) look to a woman to spoil them, or at women as servants! AND those same men tend to not appreciate the work that women do around the house: they think it happens quickly, when, e.g., doing laundry takes a LOT of time. NOt to mention cooking, etc.
It’s great that you have been there for your mom, in the way that you have. But you are not the type of person this site discusses. You have empathy. AND you are not EU!
Robert, I think it’s important for me to stress that this post isn’t about 28 year old guys or even guys in your situation. You’re not living with your mother so that you can avoid responsibility or reality and you’re certainly not living with her so that you can dodge commitment. The post is about a specific type of situation or situations that are actually very common with certain types of guy in their thirties, forties, and beyond. As Used has said, the site deals with specific type of topics. I admire you and am astute enough to recognise that you’re a sensitive guy who has tried to support his mother – they are wonderful qualities that will no doubt stand to you in your relationship. Have no idea who Ray Ramono is but I’ll take your word for it.
Thanks, I am glad you cleared that up.
And this is Ray Romano
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0005380/
Actually in some cultures you stay with your family until there is a reason to leave. Marriage, school, work…
I’ve been with my man for 5 years. He was in his thirties now in his forties. At first, he used to stay with me a lot. Nowadays Im lucky if I see him at all. He’s back in up his Mums.
I think this works for him – if he goes out she will ASSUME he’s coming to mine – whereas I ASSUME that if he’s not with me, he is there. He has managed to cause friction between his mother and me.
He was taking the mickey out of me the other day. I felt tired after a days work. So I reminded him that when I get back from a days work, I still have my kids to cook for, my animals to feed and look after – he simply has to go to his Mums, sit on his bum and have a cup of tea and his dinner made for him. What a lazy arse. He doesn’t even bother taking his dirty clothes from his bedroom to the washing machine – I remember her moaning about that when we used to talk!!!
Yet he expects me to sit around waiting for him. He hardly ever phones me – lets me down constantly. Im going to take my dog on a short break soon. I know what the consequence will be. He will cause such a fuss.
He’s into his emotional mind games in big way. Im just about fed up with it all.
His other brother lives there too. And in a cottage next door, his other brother and his sister in law and nephew. All a bit too clicky really – Im definately the outsider. Don’t feel welcome and am not.
His sister in law is very jealous of me anyway. She used to tell me horrid things like “Ooooooh, you’re the ONLY person he hasn’t asked to marry him……….” and re the MIL “Oooooh, she MUST be in a bad mood with YOU. She’s never not spoken to me for such a long period”
I’ve done nothing either!!!
Holiday for me and my dog here we come. Perhaps we can find a soul mate for me aye!
What do you get from this relationship; sounds like this will never go anywhere?
Oh man, has this hit home. He’s 40 and lives with his mother. Sorry, “mommy” as he calls her. And he doesn’t think there is anything weird about it. He is horrible to her – showing up unannounced and thinks its “funny” when he can just throw her a look and she reacts to his commands. Talk about a red flag!! He gets very angry and upset when his mother has the nerve to question him about his romantic life (which is horrible). Fascinating stuff. He has a good job, makes great money but is dirt cheap – a real tightwad. I hadn’t really thought about it before but there is something really disturbing about the arrangement – made more so because he doesn’t see anything abnormal about it.