Right now, as I type this, there are millions of women out there who have ‘settled’ in a poor or so-so relationship. Many of these love assclowns or emotionally unavailable men and have dug their feet in for the long haul because they believe that they love him, so things will change, or he must change. Even worse, he may continue to minimise his input into the relationship, so she will step up her input, rewarding his 10% effort with a spurt of giving, and pleasing, and willing him to recognise her greatness.
In recent posts such as Shades of Grey – Rationalising your involvement in a poor relationship and Why do we throw ourselves at bad relationships and then wonder why it hurts, I discuss the whole betting on potential, fantasising, and in essence being so optimistic it’s beyond scary.
But the eternal optimism of Fallback Girls and assclown lovers actually masks FEAR.
The denial masks fear too.
But because many of us don’t want to deal with our fears, we chalk it up to being ‘compassionate’, to loving him, to seeing the best in people, to being kind, to being wonderful women who have been dealt a bad card.
The thing is, are you happy living like this?
Are you happy being marginalised by a Mr Unavailable or an assclown?
Does the fact that you keep getting the same results from the same efforts not mean that you need to opt out and do something different?
The fear of being alone, of being wrong about your instincts, and your judgement. The fear that the next woman will suddenly turn him from assclown to prince. The fear that even though he hasn’t left his wife for the last ten years you’ve been with him, he might just do it once you’ve ended it. The fear of confronting your own issues instead of hiding behind his.
Does life work out better because you’re optimistic about a poor relationship?
Or do you end up realising that if you going to cater to fear, you’re going to have to suck it up and settle?
Or do you finally hit the ‘enough’ moment and take a chance on yourself in spite of those fears?
Because you see, the things that we’re afraid of that paralyse us in crappy relationships where we lament his misdoing’s and blame ourselves for him not being different, all end up being far less than the misery of catering to fear.
Unless you really love misery and really just don’t ever want to like and love yourself and want a better positive relationship, you will wake up one day and wonder what the frick you were scared of!
Often, even when we’ve been around a man for years, we’ve been lonely as hell.
You can only be responsible for you. His actions are independent of yours. You didn’t make him into an assclown – he is one, but by sticking around, massaging his ego, breaking him off a piece of sex, and essentially making yourself a sacrificial lamb doormat, you are enabling his behaviour.
Misery does indeed love company and self misery in the form of self hate and blame just LOVES an assclown.
You have no right to demand or expect change from someone just because you deem yourself to be in love with them. The fact that you love an assclown or a habitually emotionally unavailable man suggests the basis of your feelings for him are borne out of negativity.
You can’t force your love on someone or literally down their throat – is that what you want? To make someone love you?
Having ‘feelings’ for someone or having a desperate urge to have them in your lives doesn’t give you an instant IOU to claim on! Loving someone doesn’t make them love you. Really, if you don’t both have both of your feet in the relationship, you’re doing all the loving for the two of you. That’s really exhausting!
And believe me – if he was ‘the one’, if things were so amazing, if you were genuinely happy and not trying to fit a square peg into a round hole, you wouldn’t need so many changes to occur for this to ‘work’ for you.
So if you look at your optimism about your involvement with him, for example, hoping he’s going to come back to you, even though he’s now shacking up with some other woman, or your denial where you tell yourself that that he’s going to change even though he’s been the same for the majority of the relationship; it becomes very clear that you’re afraid.
The relationship has left the building…you’re just sitting there pining at the window….
If you’re stuck in a poor relationship with a Mr Unavailable or an assclown, ask yourself what would happen if you stopped expecting, stopped hoping for change, and stopped fantasising?
Would he change? No. Would you be any happier? Unlikely.
What this says is that at the end of the day, if you apply optimism to poor relationships with no foundation, and a load of denial, the outcome is still going to be the same, it’s just going to be even more painful because you take a long-winded, self-mutilating route to get there when you could get off the path a lot sooner and take the chance on you and feel the fear that will invariably turn out to be less than what you expected.
Pain is not love.
If you’re in limbo and you keep engaging, and refuse to let go even when he continues his life elsewhere – that’s not him causing you pain – that’s YOU!
I know someone out there will go – but what will I do?
You know what makes you happy and it’s certainly not him and if you don’t know you need to find out so that you start living a life you enjoy instead of filling it up with assclownary.
Take responsibility and be accountable for your own life. Make decisions instead of being trapped in indecision and placing the onus on him to change and magically become the man you want. Do something. Cut contact, opt out, stop engaging – just do something and cold turkey it because the initial pain does pass. But you are the solution to your own problem – not him.
Your thoughts?
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Hello ladies,
I need some advice/encouragement. I have a history with EUM’s (as you can tell from some of my earlier posts) and on the road to recovery. This site and you all are such a BIG help to me. So i’m writing b/c I think I may be backsliding. Let me explain. I am on a dating website and a man e-mailed me. We communicated via e-mail for a day or two and then he gave me his phone number and personal e-mail address and asked for mine. He said he thought talking on the phine is a better way to get to know one another. About a day later I texted him my cell#, he said he would call me that day after 2pm. He did text me (not call me, however), but not until 7pm that night. He apologized and said that he had just got in from work. I texted him back and said ok we’ll chat another time. About a day goes by and he calls we talk for about 40mins. The weekend comes and he calls me leaves a VM. I call him back the next day and we talk again for about 30-40mins. We talk about our availability for the upcoming weekend, but nothing concrete. I call him the Wed. before thanksgiving we chat and he promises to call me the Fri. after thanksgiving he asks my availability again, I say Sat. afternoon he also says Sat. afternoon, but we make no conrete plans. Thanksgiving morning he texts me a nice note wishing me a happy thanksgiving and then disappears for three weeks. I contacted him once suring his disapearance (about two weeks after his last contact with me). My text was straighforward I said “Hi, it’s __________ from the (website) haven’t heard from you hope everything is good with you. call me if still interested, if not good luck on you search.” He contacts me via the wesite e-mail three says ago. I have not responded to him. Should I respond to him? Is this a major red flag that I’m trying to ignore? Help.
Kissie, I did a little bit online dating for a while a while back.
Unless he has a GOOD excuse, like medical emergency, it is a red flag.
Keep in mind – goes for men and women – they are talking, writing to more than one woman/man at a time.
We have “learned” that the disappearing act is a no no!
Here is the “danger” for him to be able to string you along, should the other dates not work out: you contacted him and asked, hey are you still interested – do not do this, he disappeared for 3 weeks without a word – leave it alone.
Now, he goes from talking, texting with you to e-mailing via the dating website? May I ask what he said in his e-mail??
yes you are right… his e-mail was a dry Hi, how are you. Crappy, right?
Kissie, no don’t respond to him, he doesn’t sound interested, which is fine, but is it so fr*icking hard to just say so, he could have done that in an e-mail.
Ladies, what do you think??
Thank you Astelle, to be fair English is not his first language so i think he’s short b/c of that. However, it still does not excuse his behavior. I needed to hear that. Not being honest about how they feel about burns me up inside: that fact that these men are so incapable of just saying “Listen, I’m no longer interested.” I mean, damn, is that sooo hard. I’m not an ogre, I won’t eat you. If you don’t want me that’s fine, just have the balls to say so, jeeeesh.
Oh yes I agree with Astelle … Kissie, I’d suggest you just let him go. That’s such a bad way to start a contact anyway isn’t it, and doesn’t bode well for the future at all.
Good luck, and all the best to you
)
Gabriella
Kissie, English is not my first language either but I can tell if somebody is short with me or distant.
His english is good enough to sign up for a dating website and talk to you for 40 minutes?
I think, he just responded to your contact after the 3 weeks, you may not have heard from him at all after he disappeared. That is fine, I think, if a man disappears on me, then don’t respond to me, just ignore me. Now I would never contact somebody that ignores me.
Since you have not met him yet, don’t even think about him.
Thanks Astelle, I needed to get my head back in the right place. I was fighting myself. part of me said no, don’t contact him and another part of me (the old fallback girl I’m trying to destroy) wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. I won’t contact him, Like I always say he’s soooo not worthy of me.
If you can stand advice from ME (!) I’d say to also let this one go. It sounds like he’s already giving you the runaround and you guys haven’t even met yet!
Perhaps if he’s a little more persistent, you could meet him for coffee and see if HE’S worthy of YOU! If not, I’d just keep looking for someone who’s more available and willing to put a time and date on a meeting, or else you’re just going to go around thinking it’s you and not them!!
And to Astelle:Yes, I believe that’s why I kissed his ass (metaphorically) and asked if he’d like me to stop contacting him-I would LOVE it if he would draw a line under this whole thing . I know it’s not going to happen and it should be ME-and I doubt he’ll reply anyway, having got his fix of a reply which catered to his ego and assured him that I did not diss him to his other Facebook friends. I am gonna pray that Santa brings me a pair of balls so I can end this BS once and for all.
I feel like shit now-why did I allow myself to be so weak? REALLY??? What the hell is is gonna take? How do we forgive ourselves when we do something that defies logic and self-love? I wanna get drunk and cry my eyes out, but I have to keep it together for my sons.
blackgnat, don’t beat yourself up too much. Take care of your sons and enjoy the holidays. Start NC it will help you to calm down and feel better, day by day. You seem very obsessed with this man and need help to overcome this. Maybe therapy or do you have good friends to keep you on track?
blackgnat this guy is a classic Mr. EUM. Hinesight often gives clarity to these situations. Let me get this right. This guy has been using you as booty call, and then when you call him out on this as well as the fact that you’re not his facebook, he (like a classic manipulator) managed to turn this back around on you so that you’re the one groveling and apologizing to him about him being wrong! Unbelievable. He wasted no time telling you how you’re overreacting, when you’re not. The reason he doesn’t want you to write anything on his facebook is because he is seeing someone else from facebook and would not want her to see your post. Trust me on this, I would bet $500 on it that this is the case. The point is you were right and didn’t trust your gut. I have friends and associates on my facebook. The fact that you’re not on his facebook page signifies and should be clear to you that you do not factor into his life and he doesn’t even consider you a friend. This man is working you over big time. Please really read back over all the things you have posted here about this guy and ask yourself do you truly want to continue to be treated this way. You still haven’t developed enough anger to finally cut contact with this loser yet. Give yourself time, in time you will. Once you realize what this guy and you (yes you!) are doing to yourself you will finally hit the point where he turns you off. Until then just keep writing and reading, becaus a lot of time it’s hard to swallow, but as Astelle said, we’re all in or have been in the exact same position and the ladies here will give you tough love to help.
Blackgnat EUMS never ever ever draw a line in the sand they just take what you are willing to give … I still think it takes time ..
I think your real question was why after 8 years are we still in the same spot and he is incapable of loving me after all ive done??
its good though you have started down the right road…
Nikki, you are absolutely spot on with everything you’ve said and it’s true that I haven’t developed enough anger yet.I HAVE gone through phases of being turned off by him and it’s not even working for me anymore.
I DO have very supportive friends and the majority of them have warned me to stay away from this asshole. A couple have fed into it with me, saying there’s definitely something between us and one in particular has to live through every moment of it with me-but I think she kind of enjoys it,which I find a little suspicious. I mean, I have often gone through phases when I don’t talk about him or I’ll request that we don’t discuss him and she’ll STILL ask “Have you heard from him?” So maybe she likes the drama, too. But she also knows he’s a user and something similar has happened to her.
Astelle, I AM obssessed with him, much less so than I used to be, but I don’t think anyone would believe how much of my head space he occupies on a daily basis. I don’t know how to stop it and I’m not sure what type of therapy I’d need.
Right now I am concentrating on how to not hate myself for being a doormat and asking him if he would prefer I not contact him. He doesn’t give a rat’s ass whether I do or not. I KNOW THIS!!! So, is it just all about MY ego?
ANd tulipa, I agree that he will always take what I’m willing to give-I will not get an answer to my questio n about contact because he wouldn’t want to cut off a source of sex, which is what I have become.
He won’t even have the common decency to reply to my emails, he’s just on to the next thing.
Nikki, I also agree that he will be seeing someone on Facebook and probably from many other places. One time we were together and he told me that he’d been with 3 women that week and they had all admired the girth of his penis (unfortunately, he’s well hung, which I think is a major part of the problem too-I’ve been Dickmotised) Can you imagine-THREE women in one week? I guess FOUR including me….The thing is, he’s not really that good of a lover-no foreplay (for me,anyway) NO oral (unless he’s “in love”) and sometimes quite aggressive. I’ve often actually thought he’s a repressed homosexual.
Ugh-WHY do I want him, again?
because you have invested 8 years into him and you want a return.. don’t worry time will come and you will really wake up to the fact hes an ASSCLOWN and you are better off without him because NOTHING is going to change … You can only change and be responsible for yourself …
Thanks tulipa, you are right! It’s a long road ahead and I actually feel slightly better today-Time is the great Healer.
I’m sure the way to go is to be healthy, strong, well-nourished and alcohol free. Anything that clouds the mind and encourages self-doubt
must be kicked to the curb. Realisation will come over time, as you said and I can’t wait for that day-but I have to build towards that myself (to your comment about responsibility) and not allow myself to be stuck repeating the same old negative patterns then expect something to change!
Merry Christmas to ALL of you and thanks a million for your support and caring !!
Great article…I would like to share something here.My EUM contacted me about 10 days back after a bitter fight with me in which he accused me of all kinds of nonsense.Anyway,when he called me I was a fool to respond thinking that things would be different this time.No.It was back to square one the very next day and I ended up cursing myself for entertaining him.Even then I texted him saying that I would like to be there for him as a friend and all that…He did not even bother to reply.I felt hurt but went on with my work and stopped calling him after that.How would I…when he was not even interested to reply.About 3 days back I was to attend a job interview.I do not know how this man got to know about it but he sent me his wishes that too by sms.I was furious….when I begged and pleaded the week before he was not bothered…And his resorting to text messages to communicate with me every time really got my goat..For the last 1 year I have been tolerating this.Fear…was the main factor..fear of losing him…but then..he has never been there for me in the first place…he has accused me of everything possible under the sun…all because i wanted him to spend some time with me..I realise that the time has come for me to take stalk of my life.I texted him back saying that I do not need his wishes and taht I cannot stand him anymore.Believe me..he has told me this many times..and it used to hurt like hell…Not to be left out he texted me again saying that the feeling of animosity is more than mutual..but he just wanted to wish me luck…I was furious…mutual animosity???Is this what this man has for me after I ‘ve told him atleast 100 times how much I like him.I texted him again saying that I would not entertain him anymore and would like o be left alone fow hich he sent me a weird reply with only smileys.May be he was making fun of me….I have said this many times before..but have never stuck to NC.I feel empowered now…After 1 year of putting up with this nonsense..I had the courage to ask him to get lost.I just hope I can stick to it this time.Seriously..I am tired,exhausted..and frustrated..If I think of the time and energy I wasted on such an insensitive person I only get angry with myself for putting up with all this.I would like to thank this website.Everything written here is true.It keeps coming back to my mind again and again whenever I feel weak and think about him.
hi Brooke,
Just know that you will be able to forget him. Keep doing the NC rule, don’t ask him to leave you alone, if he contacts you, ignore him, ignore the texts, the phone calls, the vm. ignore all of it. Behave as if he does not exist. This is very hard, but esential if you are going to get over him. I suspect the smiley faces are his way of saying, “yeah you stupid bitch, I can still get your goat.” these men have very little emotional depth or feeeling and what they do have is for themselves only. don’t be afraid of being alone, youv’ve ben alone for along time. Being with an EUM is as if you are alone b/c they give you no emotional nurturance or support. Be strong and promise to put as much energy into loving and respecting yourself as you did in trying to change him and get him to love you.
Carm, I want to thank you for your comments WAY back up there to me, which was to STOP. Stop the anaylsis, what’s he thinking, why did I do it,etc. It’s REALLY hard for me to do this, I am a natural overthinker (and a Virgo, if any of y’all believe in astrology!) but I am really gonna try with everything I have, because it makes a lot of sense.
Years ago I tried rubber band therapy and it was pretty effective for me. AND it hurts like hell! HAhaha
blackgnat, I “believe” in astrology, what sign is your EUM? Libra?
My EUM is Pisces.Opposite of Virgo…
Okay, just be patient with me please, I’m still absorbing information-if we took it upon ourselves to assume things (well, I did-I read into the EUM thing WAY more than I should have done) and are taking responsibility for this, WHY SHOULDN’T WE APOLOGISE TO THEM?
I’m not a fan of 12 step, but DO believe that if you do something wrong you gotta apologise and acknowledge your part in it. My EUM NEVER promised me anything, never said he loved me-I told him he was a special person in my life and that there was something he did for me that nobody else did and I didn’t understand it and couldn’t explain it. He said he felt exactly the same about me but couldn’t explain it either. He would say, “What is it about you?” and say I was like and addiction. He said we would definitely always be in touch, throughout our lives.
BUT HE NEVER SAID HE LOVED ME. HE said I was a friend and he cared about me and what happened to me. One time, drunk, I texted him that I had to stop contacting him because I was in love with him and I knew he didn’t feel the same way about me and that it was too difficult for me. Then I retracted that (because I think it’s always been more infatuation-I am an EUW and not in love with him) and that’s when he said the “care” thing (how effing lame that word is)
I’m rambling here to say that I invented the relationship or refused to see it as it was, as he really TOLD me (with his actions) it was. SO, as I feel I’ve caused him a number of uncomfortable moments (though we have reconnected innumerable times-blowing hot at first and always ending as a booty call -sometimes with sex for ME, haha, but usually as a power trip, me pleasuring him so I could keep him under my “spell”)…
yeah….so, shouldn’t I say sorry for past mistakes? His time knowing me would have been MUCH less complicated and drama-filled if I hadn’t made so many assumptions and projections.
Can anyone relate or help me with this? Hope I haven’t been too rambling, I’m processing my thoughts as I write…
I KNOW the answers are all over the website, I just hoped someone could encapsulate them again, or give me another reality check till I reach the point where his hooks are not in as deeply.
Thanks!
Ok Blackgnat, so basically you feel you should apologize to this guy for not making it easier for him to treat you like a booty call. And what you describe as being a “power trip” for you, you pleasuring him, doesn’t even sound like a booty call for you. Seriously, if a guy is hooking up with a girl and she is doing all the pleasuring, it sounds like a “power trip” for the guy, not the girl.
There is nothing to apologize to this guy about. He was using you, and continued to use you despite knowing you had stronger feelings for him. Apologizing to this guy will be like lowering yourself to the point of no return. You are taking the idea of taking responsibility for your part too far.
If you want to apologize, you should be apologizing to yourself for making all of those assumptions, projections, and being in denial which led you to putting yourself in such a demeaning relationship for so long. Apologize to yourself, forgive yourself, and then try to find out what was so attractive to you about him and this kind of relationship to begin with. Why did you want someone so badly who treated you like this? I really think the answer to this kind of question involves exploring our past relationships and our pasts.
Carm thanks for your reply-I guess on one level I did want something more, then realised that I have a lot of EU issues and wasn’t sure I liked this guy and realised I DIDN’T want a relship with him. I SWEAR TO GOD that I normally would NEVER let any other man try this shit with me.
There is something about him that I have not been able to shake. Maybe it’s because other areas of my life are in a rut and I am at something of a crossroads at my life.
I don’t know what happened to me. I just got divorced (after 4 years of wrangling) and I guess my ex was an EUM, but he always treated me well. I still have a very amicable relationship with him. My childhood was pretty happy-dad very much a ‘man’s man”, but my brother was diagnosed with schizophrenia when he was 21 (I was14, formative years and all) and so I’m wondering if that’s what happened-like in NML’s book when some situations dictate that the attention goes to another sibling for a variety of reasons.
Also, while I am no Quasimodo, my older sister, whom I adore, was a KNOCKOUT!! I often wonder if that’s why my self esteem is lower. I actually think it’s always been pretty good, but I guess not….
All this boils down to is I want to NOT think this guy should be in my life-only focussing on what is good about him and not all the horrible shit that I have invited and allowed to continue.
I’m SO mixed up and lost and feeling so wretched today.
During my divorce, I had a couple of years of therapy but realised that I was just going round in circles.
I feel I wouldn’t even know where to start-I can’t identify my problem enough to know why I would let this guy treat me like this. I feel I’m too screwed up to even begin! Am I just being obtuse about this? Or in denial?
For YEARS I have had a total obsession about a particular country and loved everything about it, wanted to visit it, studied it ,the culture, the language, etc at University. I lived there for a couple of years. Then I got rusty at the language and decided to take some refresher courses. This EUM was my TEACHER of these classes. He totally abused his position as instructor-he has been teaching there for about 12 years now and must have gone through countless women. His female students were his narcisstic harem-every quarter, a fresh batch of women would come through and he would play as many as he could……
SO, in trying to reject him, it’s rejecting all the things I’ve ever loved about my obsesssion with his country and culture. I don’t feel I can even pursue my true passions and interests, because they all involve things that remind me of him..
Sorry to be getting all Psyhcology-ish on here, but I guess I’d like you to know me and maybe give me some big hints about how I got here and what I can do..
Thanks!!
blackgnat, apologizing to him – for what exactly?? His life would have been with less drama? Who “forced” him to respond to your contact, to sleep with you, to use you? I feel “sorry” for him ,must have been really bad. Stop taking the blame for everything, it takes two to Tango and it is time to find a different dance partner, because this one s*cks at it. You know, an emotional healthy man would not have accepted your contacts – period.
But, the most important thing right now for YOU is, to stop contacting this man!! Find your pride, he doesn’t care if you reject him, you are one of many and all you are doing is feeding his supersized EGO.
If you really want to just think about the good things about him – what exactly is good about him? – if this helps you not to contact him, fine.
I know how crazy I’m being, but I’m just being brutally honest as I have NEVER connected with a site like this and women like me who have done and believed the most absurd things in the name of romance, or how ever it is being defined.
I have not contacted this man since I apologised for going over the top (that part WAS my fault!) but as I told him, as soon as I knew how facebook worked, I admitted my error and reassured him I had not besmirched his character (which was truly the only thing he cared about-
not ONCE did he reassure me to say, “Blackgnat, I KNOW you’ve been there for me in the past and appreciate all those times-you’re a very important person to me”. No, he was all about how the way I was thinking was unreal and unfounded and that he was worried I had said something compromising on FB about him. HIM, HIM, HIM.
I have not contacted him since December 21st and I do NOT intend to, not new year, not his birthday, nothing. And he will not contact me, so the line is drawn under it.
I just have those moments of incertainty when I feel that I pushed him to be angry with me because of my own insecurities.
Sorry ladies, I will TRULY try to calm down about this!
blackgnat, I am glad that you can see it is all about HIM, HIM, HIM.
In those moments of uncertainty – do nothing, don’t contact him – it will pass. I wish I could give you the last “kick” that you need to at least stop contacting him, nobody can make you get over him, you have to do that?
Do you have a good friend that can help ypu and kick your but when needed?
Careful, you say he will not contact you, how do you know that?
Don’t be suprised if he does, just don’t reply.
Thanks Astelle, I DO have several friends that will kick my butt for me! One yesterday said she was now going to just refuse to talk about him and obvious as this may seem, it really helps!
I think he’ll think I’m too crazy to contact me for a while.Plus, I was usually the initiator.
But half an hour ago, I did get a text fromhis sister-to whom I’m pretty close-asking if I wanted to go to a party with them (her and her husband and some friends, I guess) on NYE. His other sister is over here with her family for Xmas from their native country and they’re probably going out (including him, I’d imagine) in a big group. This has happened before.
I just wonder if she’s asking on his behalf so he knows to avoid me if I agree to go.
But as much as I like her, I lied and said I had already been invited somewhere else. I think it’d be the wrong thing on all levels if I were to go, whether he were going or not. We would either ignore each other, or he might turn up with a new girl and see that I have no one to go with. Plus, I don’t want to see him or give his sisters any opportunity to report back to him….
Blackgnat, you are right in refusing the invitation its too soon and you are still sorting things out in your head..so good on you for being strong and saying no.. I know how much it would hurt you for you to see him with someone else.. way tooooo soon …
Well, today I get something from a webhosting site (I have a blog that he set up for me-a group of us got together and paid him to be the host-technology is not my strong point, so this might not sound right to those who know) and normally I forward everything of this nature to him and ask if I need to address or just ignore it. I haven’t had one of these notices for months now, so I wonder if it’s a ploy to get me to contact him.
One year when we had had a horrible fight, he sent me a newsletter (he sells art on the web) the day after. When we reconnected a couple of months later, I told him I knew he had made a mistake in sending the newsletter to me and he said “No, I sent it on purpose. I wanted to know if you were mad at me!”
Then today, I also get an invitation from his sister (whose New Year’s party I refused to go to) to BE A FRIEND ON FACEBOOK. Which is where this chaos started (THIS time around!) when I began my Drama seeking mode.
Could this be HIM, working through her? I have never received such a request from her before and I’ve known her for 5 years…
BK,
It doesn’t matter! Let it be.
Gaynor, I know it doesn’t matter, truly I do! I will do nothing about this and let it be.
I have done my 12 rounds with Mike Tyson and am not getting up again….
I’m still processing and taking baby steps.
Just wanted to share.
I know. But it seems you’re just creating additional drama for yourself. You know what this guy is all about, and that’s no good!!!! Being away from these people is supposed to lessen the drama not continue it.
Hon, it’s been eight LONG years, it’s time to accept it and let go completely!!!!
BK, since you have known the sister for 5 years, ask her if he is going thru her – takes the guessing out.
Gaynor, no, I’m honestly just sharing-how do you interpret from what I said that I was creating more Drama? If I’d contacted him about the webhosting or accepted his sister’s invitations to both NYEve party AND Facebook, I’d say yes, I’m creating Drama. But I’m not doing any of it. I don’t want to Feed the Beast any more. Okay, I guess I AM wondering if he has such horse’s balls to actually do something like that. (haha) But to your point, it doesn’t matter.
I noticed that other posters give updates, telling about Xmas texts from EUM s and such and I thought it was okay to say a bit more.
Astelle, I don’t want to ask his sister anything about him. We have had innumerable conversations with each other without mentioning his name once, so it’s possible. I don’t want to find out anything about him. When we talk and meet, it’s all girl stuff ON PURPOSE for me. I prefer to keep my friendship with her a completely separate entity. Plus, I would feel humiliated if I DID ask and she said “No, he hasn’t mentioned you-did you have a fight?” or something like that. I think it’s best just left alone. But thanks for the suggestion.
You know, my Facebook incident, which triggered my final epiphany, only happened 8 or 9 days ago, so please be patient with me?
I’m still learning how to do this properly.
Yes, but there’s giving updates and giving “updates.”
You’re trying to get answers as to why he’s doing what he’s doing. You know deep down what he’s doing and why he’s doing it. No need to look into his actions anymore and try to interpret them . That’s why I suggested that you leave it alone and try to move on with your life.
Blackgnat, this sounds very similar to NML’s post about Shades of Grey…you may want to go back and read it for some inspiration!
I have to agree with everyone here blackgnat. I know its hard…believe me—- I am still going through it. But you have to keep reminding yourself and re-reading the NO CONTACT RULE in order to get yourself out of the “HABIT” of continuing to think about “HIM”. Believe me, I know it is easier said than done. I have my moments…but with each passing day it gets better– because I am determined for it to get better. I think you are still not convinced of who he REALLY is…. you first have to REALLY realize that the person who you thought he was — isn’t– but only in your mind and in your thoughts and in your heart. You have to be willing to look reality in the face regardless of how fearful and hurftul it is at times to know the truth. If you think about it– that is the part that really hurts the most… knowing that we have been wronged,,,, you are still seeking validation from “HIM” when it needs to come and can only come from “YOU”!!! Keep reading and re-reading NML’s articles and book until your mind finally grasps the NEW and REAL reality of who you have been with. This takes courage….. but I know you can do it!!! Stop the Facebook and the analyzing and the questioning etc…etc… it only keeps you “STUCK”…… its when you finally get to the place where you can really say to yourself “who cares” that you will know you have progressed!! That is what Gaynor and everyone here is trying to tell you….. Look at it as bad habit you have to kick…. our minds are very malleable and if we were able to get “hooked” on the belief that these men were good for us…… we can re-learn a new belief but you have to start re-training your mind to think that way… that is the key!!! And it doesn’t start with you questioning if he was the one who sent you the friend request on Facebook…..!
Wow. I still really think I’m just giving an update.
I have been on Facebook ONCE in my life.That was what started my recent distress. Haven’t done it again. I’m not looking him up, texting, emailing, calling, googling him, going to his website, going to his sister’s party, accepting a Friend invitation from her. (I deleted it as soon as I saw what it was) driving up to his house, driving by his house, etc….
At one time I would have done all of these things and more.
No teeny tiny pat on the back for THAT??
Some other posters are writing,….”got the Xmas text from the EUM” and “….took a call bcuz I didn’t realise it was him….” and shit like that.
Why am I getting the “You need to stop analysing him” replies?
blackgnat….you’re doing well. it’s tough love on here sometimes i guess. Keep at it, it’s bloody hard but you are doing it. We all have to process NC day by day….you should be able to post with your questions, progress, analysis etc…just stick with it!
BK, pat on your back for not contacting him, stay strong.
You need to stop analyzing him, because it is pointless and you will never be able to figure him out or get any answers and it will drive you nutty. You are the only one that can stop this cycle with him.
And, I really don’t want you to be his doormat.
Do you feel guilty for cutting contact with him?
I am really struggling tonight. It’s been over a month NC but I miss him. I know it will pass…I just keep wondering whether he is thinking about me, and I know that shouldn’t matter. This site has really helped me to stay strong and to look at things realistically…but I’m having a weak moment! I will never contact him, I know that…but I can’t stop hoping he will contact me. Gah. Hopefully tomorrow morning my resolve will have strengthened again.
Blackgnat~ I think Karen is absolutely right! In fact, I’m learning that even though I’m not reacting to the ploys like I did in the past (same with you….and you deserve a huge pat on the back) I still haven’t changed the “dynamics” in my mind. I still want to believe that he was a good guy….and he just wasn’t.
If you really want to recant fond memories of your EUM then remember all the humiliating things he’s done and then get ticked off! Because you deserve better then that….
All the entries on this site is using “tough love” on you because that’s whats required right now in order for you to look at it realistically.
Nice input Karen….I needed to hear that too!
Thanks for the pats, guys!
I felt embarrassed posting that last one bcuz I knew I was being pouty, but I did want recognition for my efforts and I really appreciate what you all posted just now.
Believe me, Astelle, I don’t feel guilty cutting contact-I have not earned that right to say I have cut it. I mean, I have done so for 9 days, but I have a LONG LONG ways to go….90% of the time it was me who initiated contact, so I am used to not hearing from him anyway!-the true test will be when I feel vulnerable and miss the things that I liked about him.
Sorry that you are struggling charlie33-it’s so hard, especially at this time of year which can be so magical for some, it seems like everyone else is getting loved up and we want to have some kind of contact and comfort.
Yes, it has been such a habit of mine to analyse. Only time will heal THAT habit regarding him. I haven’t fully realised the extent of my humiliation and metsgurl, you are totally right-the dynamics in my mind haven’t changed, either. But it’s only been 9 days or something, so I’m trying to be gentle. I’m sorry you are suffering. It’s really like a death-the loss of hopes and dreams, but isn’t there an expression, “If you’re going through hell, keep going” ?
This sux. Thanks for all the comments and I need the tough love, but sometimes it’s ….er….well….tough!
Stay strong!
BK, you made 90% of the contact, what did his 10% look like?
Tough love is better than sugar coating.
Tough love kicked me into reality, I wish I had had it earlier on!
Gaynor, same here
I love your posts, great advice that you are giving!
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