BBP – some of this defies logic and it’s just something we need to face like an alcoholic has to…one day at a time…

Maybe that’s why I have been so easily able to mask the pain my EUM has caused me, plus exhibited those symptoms myself. Maybe I was pretending it wasn’t really happening, or I’d “get through it”.

So thanks for that bit of info.

What did you do for NYE?

Are there any ladies who are from the NYC metropolitan area?

I had a big setback when I saw him, just out of the corner of my eye at a show. It had been a month and a half of NC. I looked away real quick, and he must have left quickly too. But that glimpse set me back quite a ways. I would have a real hard time dealing with what you just had to, which was very conscious and purposeful on his part.

In _Emotional Unavailability: Recognizing It, Understanding It, and Avoiding Its Trap_ by Bryn Collins, she says one thing that really spooked me and agreed with stuff Natalie says about the EU thing being a socially transmissible phenomenon. To paraphrase, she says that women who get abused or traumatized in their adult life will quickly start displaying the symptoms of women who were traumatized/abused as children! So not all of us can trace it to our childhood and upbringing. But I’ll still be looking for this book.

New Years was also really hard for me, even without any contact, I can only dread how it must feel when you got that contact.

I’ve been crazed since my EUM contacted me a few times under the guise of the holidays. It stirred up this craziness in me that I thought I had totally under control. His uncaring, selfish ways have not changed and I am seeing him in a clearer light with some distance…but the lenses get very foggy when there is contact. Somehow all of my sense goes flying and I am weak when confronted by his voice or email. I realize that NC is the way to go, but understanding what got me there in the first place and why is helpful too!

To happy and healthy relationships only!!!!!!!

A casual parting of people dating is one thing. When you are entangled with an EUM or other pathological relationship, you have hazards that wouldn’t be threatening to someone else. Yes. Every tie, every aspect of relationship is going to keep re-opening the issues and emotions and ties from your heart to something hurtful. Your first issue is to remove the hurt, and then to heal.

If your hosting deal included a domain name, then sign up for a domain account with one of the registrars (GoDaddy, TuCows, HostMonster, etc.) and request a transfer – you should still be listed as registrant, the owner of the domain. Or ask your new host to help with domain name issues.

Remember to keep it really simple – if asked, yes, you are requesting the domain name be transferred/changed. No one needs to know why. Telling the story, keeping the drama alive, is another tie – get used to not telling, so the story can fade for you, too.

Anyway, I have deleted my blog entries and added nothing more. I would like him to take it down altogether but that would mean contacting him.

I will keep working on this, but I also wonder if returning to the site is a way of keeping him alive in my mind?

I wish you the best! Trust me it will get much easier with time.

Happy New Year!!!!

If the web is a mystery – take a class. Sit down with a knowledgeable friend (other than this guy!) and take notes. Or hit the library and grab a book or two on the Internet.

If you want a web presence, set one up on your own – blogger and google and wordpress.com are free, as are some others. There are some awesome sites that help newcomers learn what to do and how to get things working well. But you have to look, and read, and practice. If he is big on facebook – avoid it. Clean out your own page, and leave. Protect yourself.

I am sure you know, that women and men communicate differently. Tell a man a problem, and the typical response is to try to fix it. Tell a woman a problem, and usually get emotional validation.

You are feeling hurt and frustrated because your problem isn’t getting the emotional validation you would expect. And you aren’t ready to hear a guy with a solution. Really.

One thing you might try – first is read NML’s books – then print out this whole post and comments, and read it through. Make notes, questions, etc. Then read it all again, top to bottom, and see if any of the meanings change. Put it away, and return the next day after a good night’s sleep. Then read again. What might happen is that you start to see your posts as others do, and perhaps see a different meaning, different things meant, unsaid, or implied. And perhaps more compassion than it feels like tonight.

Blessed be.

Your comment “Yes, but there’s giving updates and giving “updates” ,” was something I thought was unnecessary for YOU to say. Unlike other posters, you haven’t given me any credit for not initiating or responding to contact. The message I get from you is that I should be getting on with this all much quicker. After eight years, it’s not that easy, though I am trying. If I could have just been able to turn it off that easily I wouldn’t have needed this site.

I understand what has to be done and am NOT looking for sympathy, again just some pats on the back, which I was delighted to get from other posters. It made me feel stronger and able to do more of the same. I’m absolutely certain that I have been a complete idiot and doormat and need to get over it.

I am feeling pretty depressed and fragile right now, but I do not want to cause any bad feelings here.

Gaynor and Astelle, please accept my apologies for the comments I made that offended you. I’m sure I took them too personally, but for the nth time, this is something I only started TRULY facing 10 days or so, so the best thing for me is probably to refrain from posting until I have done more reading of NML’s posts and can contain my emotions a little better.

Happy New Year to All.