Comments on: Morphing: Trying to fit in too much with your man http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/morphing-trying-to-fit-in-too-much-with-your-man/ Self Esteem|Dating|Relationships|Emotional Unavailability|Commitment| Tue, 16 Mar 2010 16:31:19 +0100 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9.2 hourly 1 By: KC http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/morphing-trying-to-fit-in-too-much-with-your-man/comment-page-1/#comment-243579 KC Sat, 03 Oct 2009 20:02:23 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1440#comment-243579 I think I'm an habitual morpher... I'm here right now at my boyfriend's house, working a dead-end job I'm overqualified for and underpaid for, to be with him. We've been together four years, he cheated once (two years ago and I forgave and we worked on it), and I've almost always wanted to stick by his side. My other option that I keep waffling back and forth on? Go back to Mexico and be with the guy I dated when my boyfriend and I took a break - my decision to take the break. I want to be fluent in Spanish and have wanted this for years, even since before I met the guy I dated for 4 years, all through college. But both decisions mean fitting my life into someone else's, attaching myself to a man's life. I don't even know how to be on my own. So does this mean I should just be single? Learn how to be on my own? I love my boyfriend of four years but sometimes feel like I'm not ready to settle down, nor am I ready to abandon my dreams to be with him. And the guy in Mexico, I could perfect my Spanish with, but he isn't perfect either - who is - but he has these temper tantrums with all the people he's close to and I just can't see myself wanting to stick it out with him in the long run unless that changes - and I can't hold out for that, I'm not that delusional. Not sure what to do... I want to go to graduate school, maybe in Mexico, maybe in the US? Or maybe I do want to stay here in the US with my boyfriend but just be more independent - have my own place, find a better job? I feel like I've spent so much time studying and just being with the boyfriend(s) in my life that I haven't really worked on myself and figured out who *I* want to be or what *I* want for my life. I think I’m an habitual morpher… I’m here right now at my boyfriend’s house, working a dead-end job I’m overqualified for and underpaid for, to be with him. We’ve been together four years, he cheated once (two years ago and I forgave and we worked on it), and I’ve almost always wanted to stick by his side.

My other option that I keep waffling back and forth on? Go back to Mexico and be with the guy I dated when my boyfriend and I took a break – my decision to take the break. I want to be fluent in Spanish and have wanted this for years, even since before I met the guy I dated for 4 years, all through college.

But both decisions mean fitting my life into someone else’s, attaching myself to a man’s life. I don’t even know how to be on my own.

So does this mean I should just be single? Learn how to be on my own? I love my boyfriend of four years but sometimes feel like I’m not ready to settle down, nor am I ready to abandon my dreams to be with him. And the guy in Mexico, I could perfect my Spanish with, but he isn’t perfect either – who is – but he has these temper tantrums with all the people he’s close to and I just can’t see myself wanting to stick it out with him in the long run unless that changes – and I can’t hold out for that, I’m not that delusional.

Not sure what to do… I want to go to graduate school, maybe in Mexico, maybe in the US? Or maybe I do want to stay here in the US with my boyfriend but just be more independent – have my own place, find a better job? I feel like I’ve spent so much time studying and just being with the boyfriend(s) in my life that I haven’t really worked on myself and figured out who *I* want to be or what *I* want for my life.

]]> By: Rachel http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/morphing-trying-to-fit-in-too-much-with-your-man/comment-page-1/#comment-210970 Rachel Mon, 22 Dec 2008 16:07:03 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1440#comment-210970 OH Brother! I have been such a dope! I tried to sleep when he slept, eat when he ate, watch the stupidest TV shows, be quiet when he was quiet.... oh my gosh! No wonder I felt empty after a visit. I will never give myself over to another like that again. Thank You once again. OH Brother! I have been such a dope! I tried to sleep when he slept, eat when he ate, watch the stupidest TV shows, be quiet when he was quiet…. oh my gosh! No wonder I felt empty after a visit. I will never give myself over to another like that again. Thank You once again.

]]> By: RES http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/morphing-trying-to-fit-in-too-much-with-your-man/comment-page-1/#comment-195601 RES Fri, 24 Oct 2008 01:45:57 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1440#comment-195601 This site is truly empowering. Thanks, NML! This site is truly empowering.

Thanks, NML!

]]> By: myalmostlover http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/morphing-trying-to-fit-in-too-much-with-your-man/comment-page-1/#comment-195537 myalmostlover Thu, 23 Oct 2008 18:26:31 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1440#comment-195537 Well one more time. I tried posting this twice and it didn't work. I really relate to the morphing issue. I know that I completely changed when I met my EUM. It was a slow process but over time he became the focus of my life. It was always about him, his needs, his wants. Yes he did show some interest in the things I cared about but if you look at the relatiohship in totality, I would say it's 25/75 in concentrating on him. I was along for the ride and what a great ride it was for a year and a half. Then it wasn't and the pain started. So all I can say NML..you're right on target with this post, as usual. Another light bulb went off in my head when I read it. Well one more time. I tried posting this twice and it didn’t work.

I really relate to the morphing issue. I know that I completely changed when I met my EUM. It was a slow process but over time he became the focus of my life. It was always about him, his needs, his wants. Yes he did show some interest in the things I cared about but if you look at the relatiohship in totality, I would say it’s 25/75 in concentrating on him. I was along for the ride and what a great ride it was for a year and a half. Then it wasn’t and the pain started.

So all I can say NML..you’re right on target with this post, as usual. Another light bulb went off in my head when I read it.

]]> By: Sarah S. http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/morphing-trying-to-fit-in-too-much-with-your-man/comment-page-1/#comment-195520 Sarah S. Thu, 23 Oct 2008 16:54:56 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1440#comment-195520 Kim2: I second that! I didn't know who I was when I was with the ex, and ironically, after we broke, it all became so clear. FINALLY, I am being more vocal about what I want out of life and the people around me. It's great! Oh and here's great article from O Magazine about women speaking up about what they want. http://www.oprah.com/article/omagazine/200809_omag_wanting/1 Kim2: I second that! I didn’t know who I was when I was with the ex, and ironically, after we broke, it all became so clear. FINALLY, I am being more vocal about what I want out of life and the people around me. It’s great!
Oh and here’s great article from O Magazine about women speaking up about what they want. http://www.oprah.com/article/omagazine/200809_omag_wanting/1

]]> By: bobby http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/morphing-trying-to-fit-in-too-much-with-your-man/comment-page-1/#comment-195518 bobby Thu, 23 Oct 2008 16:51:01 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1440#comment-195518 @SuzieQ Thank you so much SuzieQ, I understand better now and also agree! I learn something new everyday :) @SuzieQ
Thank you so much SuzieQ, I understand better now and also agree!

I learn something new everyday :)

]]> By: SuzieQ http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/morphing-trying-to-fit-in-too-much-with-your-man/comment-page-1/#comment-195512 SuzieQ Thu, 23 Oct 2008 16:25:44 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1440#comment-195512 Bobby - emotionally unavailable men don't morph or try to fit into our lifes is what NML is saying. Not all guys - just the EU ones. Bobby – emotionally unavailable men don’t morph or try to fit into our lifes is what NML is saying. Not all guys – just the EU ones.

]]> By: bobby http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/morphing-trying-to-fit-in-too-much-with-your-man/comment-page-1/#comment-195502 bobby Thu, 23 Oct 2008 14:58:41 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1440#comment-195502 Thank you NML! Ok, let me throw this out and see if I can make some sense here: "Morphing, which in its worst form is when you shelf your own interests, aspirations, values, etc to take on those of your partner, is another form of co-dependency, so of course when you break up with the guy after making him the centre of your universe and in essence, shelving yourself, it will feel like you are no longer an entity." "But let me ask, when do these guys ever try to fit in with YOU? They don’t." If it's morphing and co-dependency that I'm reading correctly here, then I must disagree. I have known men who indeed have morphed and tried to fit in way too much with their partner (woman and other men) in different type relationships. We know that co-dependency works both ways, and if I understand "Morphing" correctly, then guys most certainly try to fit in with their ladies. I would however say that I believe woman may indeed morph more so than men, and maybe by a much larger number, but that still doesn't mean that men don't try to fit in which is the way I read the statement, and why I asked for clarity. If you are saying that men never try to fit in with their lady, then we disagree for the reasons stated above. Thanks for the reply :) Thank you NML! Ok, let me throw this out and see if I can make some sense here:

“Morphing, which in its worst form is when you shelf your own interests, aspirations, values, etc to take on those of your partner, is another form of co-dependency, so of course when you break up with the guy after making him the centre of your universe and in essence, shelving yourself, it will feel like you are no longer an entity.”

“But let me ask, when do these guys ever try to fit in with YOU? They don’t.”

If it’s morphing and co-dependency that I’m reading correctly here, then I must disagree. I have known men who indeed have morphed and tried to fit in way too much with their partner (woman and other men) in different type relationships. We know that co-dependency works both ways, and if I understand “Morphing” correctly, then guys most certainly try to fit in with their ladies.

I would however say that I believe woman may indeed morph more so than men, and maybe by a much larger number, but that still doesn’t mean that men don’t try to fit in which is the way I read the statement, and why I asked for clarity.

If you are saying that men never try to fit in with their lady, then we disagree for the reasons stated above.

Thanks for the reply :)

]]> By: Kim2 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/morphing-trying-to-fit-in-too-much-with-your-man/comment-page-1/#comment-195501 Kim2 Thu, 23 Oct 2008 14:49:37 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1440#comment-195501 Oh boy... this is a good one!! I have a slighty different take on "you then decide that it must mean you don’t want a relationship". I morph into what I think he wants because I DO want a relationship. I start to think that if he has a great time with me, sees how much fun I am, how cool and awesome I am then he will want a relationship too. Problem is I never be the real me because I don't know if the real me is even loveable. Oh boy… this is a good one!! I have a slighty different take on “you then decide that it must mean you don’t want a relationship”. I morph into what I think he wants because I DO want a relationship. I start to think that if he has a great time with me, sees how much fun I am, how cool and awesome I am then he will want a relationship too. Problem is I never be the real me because I don’t know if the real me is even loveable.

]]> By: NML http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/morphing-trying-to-fit-in-too-much-with-your-man/comment-page-1/#comment-195486 NML Thu, 23 Oct 2008 11:31:51 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1440#comment-195486 @Bobby I'm not sure what to add. The post is about morphing to fit in with guys and on the way losing your sense of self and forgetting who you are, your values etc because you're too busy taking on traits that you think will create a relationship and common ground with him. The type of relationship where a woman finds herself behaving in this manner is not one where the guy is trying to please her or take on her values, interests etc. It is all centered around him. @Bobby I’m not sure what to add. The post is about morphing to fit in with guys and on the way losing your sense of self and forgetting who you are, your values etc because you’re too busy taking on traits that you think will create a relationship and common ground with him. The type of relationship where a woman finds herself behaving in this manner is not one where the guy is trying to please her or take on her values, interests etc. It is all centered around him.

]]> By: Honeyshy http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/morphing-trying-to-fit-in-too-much-with-your-man/comment-page-1/#comment-195465 Honeyshy Thu, 23 Oct 2008 07:23:39 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1440#comment-195465 Both myself and my ex-EUM shared common ground in that we had both been cheated on by our respective partners and had both been hurt. But..... I morphed! and was his new pillow - he nestled his head on me (and sometimes wiped his feet!) and I understood him and accepted his pain, and in my mind i'd accepted that i'd 'wait' for him. And all this time I was just ignoring my needs and was so very willing to be who and what he wanted me to be. My god!..... I thought it was just my failing, I didn't realise it was the common ground that all fallback girls share. I am now such a damaged woman and I hope that one day I will let a real man into my life - but for now i'll stay on my own. Both myself and my ex-EUM shared common ground in that we had both been cheated on by our respective partners and had both been hurt. But….. I morphed! and was his new pillow – he nestled his head on me (and sometimes wiped his feet!) and I understood him and accepted his pain, and in my mind i’d accepted that i’d ‘wait’ for him. And all this time I was just ignoring my needs and was so very willing to be who and what he wanted me to be. My god!….. I thought it was just my failing, I didn’t realise it was the common ground that all fallback girls share.
I am now such a damaged woman and I hope that one day I will let a real man into my life – but for now i’ll stay on my own.

]]> By: Honeyshy http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/morphing-trying-to-fit-in-too-much-with-your-man/comment-page-1/#comment-195466 Honeyshy Thu, 23 Oct 2008 07:23:39 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1440#comment-195466 Both myself and my ex-EUM shared common ground in that we had both been cheated on by our respective partners and had both been hurt. But..... I morphed! and was his new pillow - he nestled his head on me (and sometimes wiped his feet!) and I understood him and accepted his pain, and in my mind i'd accepted that i'd 'wait' for him. And all this time I was just ignoring my needs and was so very willing to be who and what he wanted me to be. My god!..... I thought it was just my failing, I didn't realise it was the common ground that all fallback girls share. I am now such a damaged woman and I hope that one day I will let a real man into my life - but for now i'll stay on my own. Both myself and my ex-EUM shared common ground in that we had both been cheated on by our respective partners and had both been hurt. But….. I morphed! and was his new pillow – he nestled his head on me (and sometimes wiped his feet!) and I understood him and accepted his pain, and in my mind i’d accepted that i’d ‘wait’ for him. And all this time I was just ignoring my needs and was so very willing to be who and what he wanted me to be. My god!….. I thought it was just my failing, I didn’t realise it was the common ground that all fallback girls share.
I am now such a damaged woman and I hope that one day I will let a real man into my life – but for now i’ll stay on my own.

]]> By: Loving Annie http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/morphing-trying-to-fit-in-too-much-with-your-man/comment-page-1/#comment-195439 Loving Annie Thu, 23 Oct 2008 03:17:54 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1440#comment-195439 THIS is, as usual GOOD. Exactly what I used ot do. Exactly why things always failed. The only thing we had in common was treating him better than he ever treated me. I had NOTHING when he left - I gave it all away and asked him to validate me because I loved the image I had of him in my head. BLEEEEECH. I'm so glad I'm smarter now. It's helping me immesurably. It doesn't mean there aren't assclowns out there. It means I don't get fooled by or taken advantage of by them. It means I don't try to change them - I'm not interested in them as soon as I see the truth. I'll be available for a nice guy - not a b.s. artist / EUM. They aren't hard to spot when you really and truly listen and watch over time before making any deciisons. THIS is, as usual GOOD. Exactly what I used ot do. Exactly why things always failed. The only thing we had in common was treating him better than he ever treated me. I had NOTHING when he left – I gave it all away and asked him to validate me because I loved the image I had of him in my head.

BLEEEEECH. I’m so glad I’m smarter now. It’s helping me immesurably. It doesn’t mean there aren’t assclowns out there. It means I don’t get fooled by or taken advantage of by them. It means I don’t try to change them – I’m not interested in them as soon as I see the truth.
I’ll be available for a nice guy – not a b.s. artist / EUM. They aren’t hard to spot when you really and truly listen and watch over time before making any deciisons.

]]> By: Hot Alpha Female http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/morphing-trying-to-fit-in-too-much-with-your-man/comment-page-1/#comment-195425 Hot Alpha Female Thu, 23 Oct 2008 00:56:32 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1440#comment-195425 Hey Darl. Losing sense of self is one of my greatest fears when getting into a relaitonship. That why is so important when you are in a relationship to continue to spend like an hour or so JUST FOR YOURSELF! Thats why it is also important to continue having your own life too. Sure you are now sharing that with someone special, but they will love and respect you even more if you cont to do the same with yourself too! Thanks =) Hey Darl.

Losing sense of self is one of my greatest fears when getting into a relaitonship. That why is so important when you are in a relationship to continue to spend like an hour or so JUST FOR YOURSELF!

Thats why it is also important to continue having your own life too. Sure you are now sharing that with someone special, but they will love and respect you even more if you cont to do the same with yourself too!

Thanks =)

]]> By: Amy T. http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/morphing-trying-to-fit-in-too-much-with-your-man/comment-page-1/#comment-195395 Amy T. Wed, 22 Oct 2008 21:44:09 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1440#comment-195395 Natalie! Get out of my brain!! LOL - jk. You're right on, as usual! Everyday you write fantastic things that make me want to break NC with my ex-EUM by sending him links to your articles going, "See? SEE? THIS IS THE KIND OF JERK YOU ARE!" But then I don't, thank goodness. I think I might actually write a letter to him that I won't send, just to have a "chance" to say what I need to say. ivyowl - don't give up. If a man TRULY loves you, he'll wait. I'm not planning on waiting until marriage (I'm not a virgin anyway), but I'm ABSOLUTELY going to wait until I'm with the right guy. It's tough, but I'll do it, and so will you! Just be true to what YOU need. Natalie! Get out of my brain!! LOL – jk. You’re right on, as usual! Everyday you write fantastic things that make me want to break NC with my ex-EUM by sending him links to your articles going, “See? SEE? THIS IS THE KIND OF JERK YOU ARE!” But then I don’t, thank goodness. I think I might actually write a letter to him that I won’t send, just to have a “chance” to say what I need to say.

ivyowl – don’t give up. If a man TRULY loves you, he’ll wait. I’m not planning on waiting until marriage (I’m not a virgin anyway), but I’m ABSOLUTELY going to wait until I’m with the right guy. It’s tough, but I’ll do it, and so will you! Just be true to what YOU need.

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