Mother Lovers & Mother Haters
October 10, 2005 by NML
There are two types of men that should be avoided in this world, and the common denominator is mothers. Men who are mother’s boys, and men who have a distinctly negative relationship with their mothers. If you can’t avoid them, then bear in mind that you will have a lot of heartache and headache, with plenty of addressing of issues, and if you are successful, you deserve an Olympic gold medal.
We all know men that are Mother Lovers and Mother Haters. Many of us know women that go out with these men. Some of us are going out with them right now. I have been out with both, and I have made a conscious decision to only be with a man who has a healthy respect for his mum. They can disagree, be loving, but they need to keep it in safe territory.
I went out with a Mother Lover a few years ago, and by the end of the relationship, his relationship with his mother made my skin crawl. A defining moment was when his mother saw him lying on the sofa watching television with his stomach exposed, and blew, yes you did read it, blew on his stomach. Now just to put some reassurance in your mind, I wasn’t going out with a two year old in Pampers! I was going out with a twenty eight year old with some serious issues! He even giggled and cooed like a baby! Creepy!
Now that is an extreme example. But there are certain things that you can be certain of when you go out with a Mother Lover. There is a massive respect issue. His mother is always right, and you come second. He will probably allow her to do and say as she pleases while you get short thrift with him. She probably talks about you negatively to him, and he says nothing to defend you. If she doesn’t voice her ambivalence, it will show in her actions, and he will know. If he’s a cheater, he’ll expect to be repeatedly forgiven because he is used to his mother forgiving him. He’ll probably get quite upset when he’s caught, and you may find yourself comforting him!
I heard a story recently of a woman that couldn’t do anything for her man because the mother had got there first. Whatever she did manage to do, it was corrected by both the mother and son. ‘Mum prefers it when it’s done…’. We often worry about our guys having another woman in the guise of some woman who has perkier breasts, a slimmer figure etc but often the other woman is someone that bears more than a passing resemblance to your partner. If your partner does not separate his relationship from his mum with yours, it is very likely that the relationship will fail or you’ll end up miserable. There is only room for two adults in a relationship and if he sees a future with you he’ll deal with his issues.
Mother Haters are at the opposite end of the spectrum, but equally disturbing. These guys have never had a good relationship with the female representative in their life. While this is sad, and can be for any number of reasons, this does not bode well for the woman in his life if he hasn’t faced and dealt with the issues that this situation can create. A mother hater will probably have some serious control and possession issues. He’ll be Jeckyll and Hyde, and this will lead to some serious disagreements. Because of his lack of positive relationship with the female figure in his life, he will try to take away some of your confidence in public or in private, to gain control, and to also bring you to a manageable level. Communication from him will be very poor. He will find it difficult to relate to you and when he sees you upset, he’ll struggle to feel sympathetic.
The Mother Hater I went out with never dealt with his issues, so at times I found myself bewildered by his odd behaviour, and his need to always be in control, and be on top of everything. I always cringed whenever he referred to his mother because he it seemed so cold and disrespectful. I spoke with several women that have or are in relationships with Mother Hater’s, and for all it’s a struggle. It can work but it takes a lot of trouble and strife and a spot of therapy to get it to a comfortable and manageable situation.
If your partner is a Mother Hater, it’s ideal for him to spend some time in counselling to get to the heart of his issues. If he doesn’t recognise why he’s the way he is, the relationship is doomed because you’ll always be the bad guy, and he’ll always be the misunderstood perfect guy that can’t get a woman to be the way that he wants her to be, reinforcing his very skewed idea of women.
I admire any woman that can overcome the different types of struggles that each of these guys bring. It takes patience, care, love, trust, and it takes a hell of a lot of understanding. The key is to ensure that your feelings and needs are not forgotten in the quest to ‘fix’ these guys. Ultimately either type of guy needs to want to change and if it’s like pulling teeth and he’s showing resistance, it might be best to let someone else be the fixer upper. They might be a Mother Lover or a Mother Hater, but you should be a Self Lover!
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for a 28 year old to let his mom blow on his belly and actually ENJOY it…creeps me out…there are actually guys out there like this?
This is an excellent explanation of mother haters. I dated a 53 year old one for 4 weeks, the control issues and “always having to be on top-sexually”, became scary. He attempted to mold me into his idea of a perfect step-mother for his 3 kids within days of meeting me! Jealous, possessive, paranoid etc. I feel lucky to have gotten out, but now he is calling….ugh.
guess what, when I lovingly bit my husband, he actually told me that I behave like his mother!! cost she bites him too!!
and in his eyes, both his mother and wife are equal and thus require equal amount of attention !!
and he claims he has 2 homes, our place and his mother’s !!
I’m married to a momma’s boy. She’s said ugly things about me in front of my face and behind my back. She persuaded him to have liaisons behind my back. And he wonders why I treat her like the crap ball she is. God help us.