When you struggle to let go of someone, there can be sustained periods of rumination and in essence, stewing in what you feel is a rejection of you. If there’s been a series of disappointments, you’ve likely lost sight of you and your values, which means you don’t have the perspective that’s so needed to handle and manage the inevitable disappointments that arise in life.
Whether it’s for a date that didn’t happen, dates that didn’t progress, feelings that weren’t reciprocated, your relationship not working out, or even discovering that someone isn’t what you thought they were, you become fixated on this person (or even a series of people that you thought were “it”) fulfilling your hopes and dreams.
By focusing on the person instead of on the bigger picture of your hopes and expectations, you lose hope because the disappointment leaves you feeling like there’s no point in bothering and your ‘last chance saloon’ has gone.
This person isn’t the only way that you could have your hopes and expectations for a relationship fulfilled though, plus just because they don’t or didn’t fulfil them, doesn’t mean any and all hopes for a relationship are over.
When you struggle to get over the disappointment, it’s because you were over-invested in the potential, ‘vision’, and ultimately the hopes, plans, and outcome that you had set your mind and heart on.
If you’ve been invested in various people and the hopes and expectations you had for a relationship have to adjust due to practical factors, the disappointment is natural and to be expected, but you have to work your way through these feelings to acceptance so that you can create new hopes and expectations.
To continue to immerse yourself in disappointment like a vocation, raking over your past and ruminating on all of the things you ‘coulda, woulda, shoulda done if only’, creates self-rejection and ultimately regret, because as time passes and your outlook and what you’re doing hasn’t changed, that’s what you’ll come to regret – not the various things you’ve been through that brought you to this juncture but the stubbornness you used to lash yourself with and stop you from moving forward.
The disappointment, regret, and rejection is tied up in the idea that what you hope and want in your life is gone and over.
What do you want? This is where your focus should be – on the bigger picture of your values so that you can focus your actions on living congruently with them, not on a person outside of your control. Your purpose in life isn’t to have someone rescue you and make your life ‘better’ – if it doesn’t work out, it’s like returning to the life you didn’t want.
Wherever there’s disappointment and a sense of feeling rejected, you can be assured that there are illusions, giving you an inaccurate, if not downright distorted view of reality. It’s letting go of these that give you the much needed perspective…and freedom.
What are you stuck on? List them all, don’t hold back. What is it about this disappointment that you keep returning to?
You wouldn’t be disappointed if what you claim things ‘should’ be was real…because you’d be living it.
Walk your way through the relationship and work out where you got the illusions from.
Where did it start?
Did they say or do something? Did you?
What specific thoughts have you had that led you to this idea?
The things that you believed them to be, why did you believe it? Was it based on evidence? Was it brief? Was it based on ideas that you carried into the relationship that may be based on someone else they remind you of or unhealthy/unrealistic beliefs? List examples and the longer you were together, the more you should see of this.
What is the cause of the actual disappointment?
So for example, when someone doesn’t follow through with a date, is it because:
You’re disappointed because you misjudged them?
They seemed so nice and you were looking forward to it?
You hoped that this might be ‘it’ and you could be ‘done’ with dating?
You’re disappointed because you assume that you must have said or done something to put them off?
You compromised yourself and it still didn’t pay off?
You banked on this being the one that would make all of the previous heartache worthwhile and right the wrongs of the past?
For a relationship, it might be that you’re shouldering all of the blame for it not working out, so yeah, you’re bound to be disappointed, just unnecessarily so.
Taking a bigger picture view, this person cannot meet your expectations. They haven’t – it’s why you’re disappointed. They haven’t – that’s about them, not you. Don’t make everything about you – it will compound your hurt.
The facts say that they cannot meet your expectations – it’s holding onto the illusions that they can or could have if only X/Y/Z had happened, which normally boils down to, if you had changed, if you hadn’t breathed or put a foot wrong, if you had got them to change, or if you lived in a fantasy world, that’s disappointing you.
Let me say it again – it’s holding onto the illusions that they can or could have fulfilled your hopes and expectations and that your projected future could, would and should have happened, that’s disappointing you. The tighter you hold on, the more you revisit it – it’s like experiencing the disappointment over and over and over again. It gets even worse if you continue to lie to yourself about them while in the meantime, they behave like a jackass in the present completely contradicting you anyway.
Disappointment and rejection paves the way to new and ultimately better opportunities…if you don’t spend months or even years avoiding admitting a mistake or accepting that it’s over. The length and depth of the avoidance is what causes a ‘setback’.
You can release and grow if you make the connection between relationship insanity – carrying the same baggage, beliefs, and behaviours while choosing same type, different person (or variations of your type), and then expecting a different result – and disappointment.
Relationships serve to teach us about ourselves – the same lessons will keep coming back at you like Michael Myers in Halloween until you heed and learn from them.
Persisting in relationship insanity, means you’ll continue to be disappointed.
Even if you do the whole long shot mentality thing and go with the safe option of unavailable relationships so you can avoid ‘rejection rejection’, you will be disappointed even though it’s ‘expected’.
Your life and your repetitive choices are telling you that you need to adapt your thinking and your habits in order to start fulfilling your hopes and expectations for your life.
Lessen disappointment by living in line with your values so that you can be authentic. You will compound the disappointment if you deviate from them due to the attachment to the idea of this particular person being the ‘key’ to your life – you figure it’ll be worth the risk and then feel embarrassed or even ashamed when it’s not.
If you stay on a Bullshit Diet, it also means that you don’t hear what you want to hear, see what you want to see, and create meaning where there is none. You’ll communicate your expectations, thoughts and concerns – some people don’t do this for fear of disappointment. Then they get disappointed anyway and wish they’d spoken up….
Don’t try to be a perfectionist or the exception to the rule of shady behaviour – these create unrealistic goals while giving you a realistic but unwanted outcome; pain.
Like conflict, fear, and rejection, disappointment is unavoidable but you don’t have to let it claim you and you certainly shouldn’t use it to make judgements about yourself that leave you with eroded self-esteem. Let the disappointment go – forgive you and be kind to you because aside from nurturing you, it means you won’t disappoint you by not being on your side.
Your thoughts?
Check out my book and ebook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl in my bookshop.
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Hi Everybody
Its been a long time since I was here. I think the last post I made was on Oct 12 2011, about how difficult I was finding NC.
Well I fell off the Wagon and we started dating again. Nothing changed. He still wanted plenty of alone time, and would sometimes get angry when I would text a hello. He told me while we were apart he had slept with a 19 year old girl. (Hes 35). We live about an hour and a half away from each other, I would go spend weekends at his place, and I always felt uncomfortable.
We have only been broken up for a week now, and the last weekend that I was with him was horrible. He had just come back from a 3 week solos backpacking trip across London, Paris, Egypt, Turkey. I spent 400 dollars that weekend because he told me that his trip cost alot of money and he didnt have the money to pay for anything. no valentines gift or card, even though he told me that he was going to send me something nice, he never did. He told me that while he was on his trip he had decided that he had trust issues with me, and wanted me to be “okay” with him continuing to be my BF but “letting him have sex with other women” He decided he could not be in a monogamous relationship, and I should try to be okay with that, if I wanted to be with him. I cried all weekend. He wouldnt comfort me, all he would say was “well, the ball is in your court.”
When we were together on New years Eve, I noticed him texting early in the evening. I asked him after about 20 mins of this, who he was talking too. He said…”oh just a friend”. I said, “is this a friend that youve had sex with?” As he had also admitted when we got back together, that he had been lying to me that while were were apart, but still sleeping together, that he was also sleeping with a couple of his “friends” as well. ” He said, UMMMM..yes. Ive slept with her. But its more of just a stay in touch kind of thing now.” “All my female friends know that im dating someone now.”
So its been a week, I talked to him today, and I asked him after he thought last night would be a good time to text me a friendly “hello” that he would also let me know that a “friend” was coming to pick him up and SHE was almost there, they were going to have drinks and dinner. Awesome.
So he admitted to me today that although we have only been apart for a week, hes been on one coffee date with one…
HSN
Stop speaking to him (or texting). You’ve no need to keep tabs on his sex life.
You’ve learned a deep and painful lesson that will benefit you in the future – when you take them back they treat you even worse. Yes there are exceptions but I’ve yet to see one or experience one myself, and it wouldn’t start with him telling you who he’s slept with or getting mad at you.
He’s not going to comfort you. You’re just another girl on his rotation.
Flush!
At the very least don’t have sex with him. That can sometimes give you enough distance to cut the tie, though there are dozens or more women here who are pining over men they’re not even doing that with. I did it for three years. Don’t be me.
Work towards NC, with a sense of urgency (not “I’ll do it when I’m ready”).
HSN, I am sorry you feeling this way:-( Please leave this guy, how dare he is saying all these things to you?! He is openly accepting that he is sleeping with other women, no respect what so ever to you and your feelings…I feel like screaming! Stay strong please, all the best and hugs!
HSN,
This man sounds awful. As hurtful as it may be, NC will be less painful than putting up with his abuse. Men today think because they are upfront and honest about how shady they are, they are doing no wrong… that they were honest so it’s our issue when they act like sleezebags. What is it with these men? Where is the respect we as women deserve? It’s so disappointing… even a 35 yr old can act like this. Flush him- fast and hard so the scum ball can never crawl up the sewer and back into your life. You sound way too sweet to be with this EU AC.
Back again !
Some of these comments encourage me…and some just make me so sad that lovely women are still chasing after these assclowns… and acting out of fear …as if these relationshits will suddenly come good … it won’t.
My ahah / epiphany moment came …when I found myself stressing for 24 hrs ( yes 24hrs ) of my precious life …over whether to send a text or not in case it came across as ” chasing ” someone who after 6 intense months was obviously backing off.
I suddenly realised ….I HAD GIVEN ALL MY POWER AWAY !!! ….to another human being …err WTF!!!!
I allowed myself to grief the FF, the promises, the intimacy …and found a therapist.
I am the own author of my own happiness !! ..I do not need anyone to do that for me ….I am ok when I see him …but more importantly I am totally ok when I don’t.
( that doesn’t mean I am in a relationship with him …but not NC …as we were very good friends for years )
Anyway ..when I realised I was the only source of my personal happiness…guess what …I got happy !
Concentrating on kids , family , friends , music ,job, nature , books , laughter, good food and wine…….everything that enhances ME !
Suddenly I didst need him …I could take him or leave him !!
Now beware ….this is not a formula to ” get that EUM back ladies …flush …
But …conversely…when I found me ..got happy and content ..without him !!!…funny how he now “realises all his mistakes ” , …
Luckily I don’t want a lather , rinse , repeat !!…
So many opportunities for us girls out there who have our self esteem in tow ….
Embrace the future ….with or without a guy…get happy with YOU …
It all works out in the end.
All will be ok .
As Eleanor Roosevelt said ” you must do the thing you think you cannot do”
Make those people important ….those who make you important.
If you have stopped feeling important to someone who …turns our to be a dickshit , all shirt no trousers …or gay ( yep that is my story )
Flush , flush , flush ….
You are way more important than any guy ..EVER !!!…..even even IF you reach your goal …and he is ” yours ” …you are still more important .
Get a grip !!!!
I got myself happy .
Hey welcome back HSN and Fitness,
HSN it sounds like you’ve been through the 2nd chance wash and got caught in the spin cycle. I’m sorry. It must be a giant disappointment. Based on your comments, your head is clear though. Listen to what this guy is telling you. He wants to have random sex, including 19 year old girls. I have a 22 year-old daughter and if a 35 year old man was having sex with her, I’d beat him with a large stick. This seems to me to be a take a parachute and jump moment. If you don’t its just going to be more of the same shit, different day. It’s broken and you can’t fix it. But here’s the thing, you can fix you. Take every single day you don’t contact him to focus on YOU.
Fitness, good to hear from you. Remember me? It’s different when you can have a life independently of some guy. Sorry to hear the guy was gay. It’s great that you are establishing a life independent of a male and you are happy. I don’t quite have a life yet because I’m taking some time to heal but I see the difference. The exMM recently realized all his mistakes too. However, his laundry list of mistakes didn’t include the most grave and serious mistakes such as lying, cheating, deception, disrespect, distrust, and dishonesty. If you met him today, he’d claim he was honest, respectful, and trustworthy because I knew he was married. HSN, you may need to pull the rip cord and jump. It hurts and it’s disappointing. It may just be the inner sky diver in me. Pull the rip cord on these AC’s. I can’t believe I spent any of my time thinking the sun shone out of his arse. WTF was I thinking?
An aside ….
So many comments …say ” do I make sense ”
…isn’t that de ja vu…..in all the ” chats ” you have with your guy ….or your ex ….
It means we talk too much, think too much …do I make sense ? ….do I make sense ….code for ..
I have no peace…if I was happy and and ok with me …I wouldnt care it I made ” sense”…I would be ok with me ….expressing me….take it or leave it x
I really am grateful for this site, it’s quite addicting. Thank you for the comments on the “Don’t push your boundaries” post and I responded but I think too late as it’s hard to find them after a few days. Like Mymble, I found myself with an AC in an effort to deal with my reality… my lackluster marriage to a man that has not a clue how to physically show me love. I basically live with a roommate as we coparent. I cry often as I sleep alone. The AC was everything I always wanted but scared to marry. Instead I married “safe”. AC was fun, passionate, flirty, outgoing, smart, adventurous,
thrill-seeker, traveler, cultured … we had a blast together – no matter what it was- at least in the beginning until it became very sexual (w/out
intercourse) and we didn’t have to have full blown intercourse, the
chemistry and passion was that good. Yes, I am ashamed and I feel used but
I can honestly say, that throughout the torture of the hot/cold spells, great
chemistry/laughs and then days w/nothing and the humiliation of realizing
what I reduced myself to I really don’t regret it. Why not? Because I learned
ALOT from this. This man, made me realize that I can feel again, laugh and
have fun, be active and play sports. I don’t have to give those things up b/c I
am a wife and mother. I may have taken the wrong road to see this but I can
assure you, I will never have another affair. I do miss the laughs, the
affection, the passion, the fun and the great
conversation but I’m sure he was enjoying the same with others. I have gone
NC again(2nd attempt) b/c I need to figure out my marriage. Do I stay in this for the kids? Don’t I deserve to be made love to the way I used to with my college love? I decided to marry my best friend thinking this was better
than any passion as he would always be there for me. I underestimated my need for affection, warm hugs and kisses, a way a marriage was intended. I am numb and I am working my way through a decision … 2011 was a tough year for this marriage. My husband would get so mad at me when I
threatened to leave and he intentionally made it difficult so I would stay as a
result. I’m hoping that 2012 provides me the strength and clarity I need to
make a decision and stick with it …it is so hard after all these years. I do think that being alone is better than…
without your blog I would still be waiting for facebook message once a week from my ex married AC..I would still ne nervous, full of bitter, unhappy, and etc etc….Thank you!!! You gave me my life back!
I met a guy 10 months ago online. We’re both in our early 20s although I’m older than him. We didn’t meet in a dating website; we met on a fb fanpage of a nba player we both are a fan of. So we became friends. At first it was all friendly and casual and then as months passed our conversations became deeper. We sent long, as in really long fb messages DAILY throughout those months. Never had I lied to him and I know that he never lied to me either. I won’t share the details of our convos but he’s a kind person and I would not even talk to him that much if he’s rude. Anyways, back in October; we had a problem. During this time we haven’t really defined our relationship. And something happened that made us finally discuss what we are to each other. He asked me so I told him that I feel that we’re more than friends. He agreed. He said that even though at that time, he often tells me he loves me but feel scared and hurt deep inside because we’re not together physically. But yeah, we decided to treat each other as bf/gf with all the nicknames and stuff. We were happy until he decided to end it two weeks ago. You see, we had plans. The plan is for me to visit him for a week this June. We’re both excited about it. And then two weeks ago, as I’ve said he ended things between us by sending a fb msg. He said, although he wanted that one week visit to happen, he felt that after having to see each other it would be very difficult for him to deal with the long distance thing again. So he said he can’t go on with our relationship. He also said he would not be in a relationship any time soon because of the qualities he saw in me. I was devastated, but I accepted it. He said his decision was “firmly made” so I felt scared that if I stop him, I’ll be rejected again. I sent him a message too that day and we’re no contact since then and it’s killing me. I miss him so much. I decided not to log on to my Fb because the whole thing reminds me of him. Night time is the worst. I’m so hurt and disappointed. All my dreams of being with him are now gone. I just can’t accept the fact that we’re over. It hurts me so much. I feel like not contacting him will make him miss me and change his mind but as days pass by it scares me more that he had moved on and totally forgot about me. So it makes me think that I should contact him before completely losing him but a part…
Rain
Have you met this guy?
I think you should flush and move along.
For all you know he could be married with kids. The man I “fell in love with” via a chatsite who seemed so sensitive and kind and honest was keeping a child from me and a vengeful ex and another girl that he was jerking around. The problem with these fantasy relationships is that you can easily project onto the person YOUR OWN qualities! I know, how effed up is that!
Count this as a lucky escape and go meet a guy in the real world (after you’ve addressed what’s missing in your life that a fantasy relationship looks like a good bet to you).
And, no, don’t demote yourself from pretend girlfriend to pretend friend either. I tried that and it’s absolute bollocks.
General observation: What’s with the fantasy relationships? There’s been an absolute plague of them recently!
Hi Grace and MYMBLE, I know he didn’t lie to me about his identity. I am also fb friends with her sister.
And I know that his FB account is real, it’s too easy to tell when a FB account is fake. Let’s just say that all this time I’ve already proven that he is who he says he is. The thing about us is that both of us didn’t look for this relationship that’s why I highlighted in my comment that we met on Fb and not on a dating website because when you meet someone from a dating website, it means that you are looking for an “online relationship”. With us, it just happened. That’s why it’s hard because we both fell into this. Yeah if he’s really not the one for me then I’d be able to move on but at this point, I can’t see myself with anyone but him. Yeah I was thinking of being friends with him still but I don’t know if can handle that. But the thing is, I don’t want him out of my life. Ugh. I’m sorry I’m so weak and lost. But, really, thank you guys for your reply. God bless!
Rain
The fact that this is “accidental” doesn’t make it more real. You seem to be buying into a “fate brought us together” notion. I understand it. I’ve done it myself. But it’s not real. To throw your emotions, dreams, time and life after a fantasy is totally unproductive and potentially harmful.
Plus he doesn’t want to meet you anyway.
And have you met his sister or is she just a FB friend too?
Maybe there is just too much FB here.
I’m a fuddy-duddy but my 16yo niece manages to organise school events and have a boyfriend (of two years) who she sees regularly (with her eyes) with minimal FB.
You can’t see yourself with anyone but him because you’ve built up this powerful alternate reality. Abandon it and new options will open up before you. Like magic.
Rain,
I sympathise bc an awful lot of my *relationship* (ha ha) was fantasy conducted through email. Even before I’d found BR my gut instinct was that this was bad and that he could be giving a completely false impression of himself. But if you haven’t met him and he is chickening out this makes me think he may really be someone quite different. Did you see that film about a man who fell in love with a beautiful girl on FB and went to see he without warning – turned out she was a middle-aged married woman with a disabled son and she had invented a whole FB life with nonexistent friends etc. True story. She did have mental health problems. Maybe. Maybe she made them up too. I would bet on it that there is something far wrong, that he has lied to you bigtime about important things, probably many important things. Sometimes I have thought I should flush my iPhone down the toilet. An Internet and FB ban sounds like a good idea.
good for you. set yourself free. i knew that waiting game. and now i don’t. much better now. xo xo
Oh man, waiting is so, so hard. It makes me so paranoid. I’ll just wait and wait and wait because I believe that the time will come that I will stop waiting if I’m meant to be with someone else. But for now, since I still love him I’ll just wait. Even if it’s so painful. Thanks for your reply!
Hi Everyone,
Thanks for your encouraging words, I am having a tough time coming to terms with everything. I know that NC is the best thing to do, but Im having those moments after you break up with someone, where even when theres a ton of bad things, often more than good things, all you can concentrate on are the few good things that happened between the two of you. Im having a hard time staying angry, and remembering that I deserve better, and that hes a complete AC whos pattern isnt going to change. With me or anyone else he might be dating. Hes going to treat any other woman the same way, and even told me that when we were breaking up..”If it wasnt this trust issue thing with you, I may have found some other reason. I ve always found a reason to break up with the people im closest too.”
Im confident that this website is going to help me, and I will stay strong.
Cheers
HSN
I’ve been trying really hard for about seven months now to move on from a huge disappointment. I fell in love for the first time in my life–at age 43. We shared some incredibly emotionally intimate moments, and I believed he was falling in love with me, too. But after only about two months together (and when things seemed to be going great), he suddenly told me he didn’t want a relationship (and was “done” with them) and that while he liked “everything” about me and wanted to be with me, he knew if we stayed together it would get serious and he didn’t want that because he knew he’d screw it up based on past history. It took me a while to accept it, but I finally started to. Then he immediately started seeing someone else and is still with her seven months later. Based on everything I know about their relationship, it’s a textbook “casual” one like Natalie describes. What keeps me stuck is wondering how he can be with her when he was so adamant that he didn’t want a relationship. I worry I won’t be able to trust what another man says after this.
Jane
The bigger question is – how can you be so sure you loved him in two months? It’s not long enough.
I speak as someone who has “fallen in love” after one night, or some internet chat, or a month (or two).
Sometimes our desires and fantasies, mixed in with their future fakery propels us into over-committing. But it ‘s not really commitment if you don’t know what you’re committing to. It’s a dream.
Are you NC with this guy – how do you know so much about his relationship? Thinking about them all the time is a very effective way to stall your own healing. I had a man yearn after me for seven years after I broke up with him. At the time I thought it was romantic and I must be oh-so-special. Now I think – he had issues. Trust me, I’m not worth seven years of yearning. No-one is. Give your healing a full year then move yourself along.
I believe I was in love with him–but the him I thought he was. He’s a Future Faker–the kind who actually believed what he was saying when he said it and then backtracked when he realized he couldn’t follow through. And he’s also emotionally unavailable–with a serious fear of intimacy that he developed over the course of many years (and, I believe, led to his failed marriage). I have tried NC from time to time–not texting or calling him, de-friending him on Facebook, staying away from our mutual regular hangout or going in when I thought he wouldn’t be there and ignoring him when he was there and tried to talk to me, but when I’m caught by surprise (especially when he’s with her) I often panic. I know about his relationship with this girl through mutual friends and his blog. I’ve asked the mutual friends to not talk with me about it, and I’m proud of myself because I just figured out how to block my computer from accessing his blog. The next big step is to find a new hangout (easier said than done given different variables), but a step I know I need to take. Thanks for the feedback, Grace.
THIS just made me sigh with relief and understanding. I am going to read this again. When I feel sad, missing ex Emotional Retard (ER) and tempted to break NC I come here. Nat I can’t tell you how much I appreciate this site. I will pass this on to anyone I know who is suffering with an ER or any of his known associates!
i need a help please.
Hi all
I agree with what you are saying however, he has given you the option to choose how you would like to be treated. If, when you look at your bounderies and values, you realise that this is not the sort of behaviour or relationship you see for yourself you can make the choice not to be involved with it. You self esteem at the moment may be low and his behaviour may make you angry and upset, but his behaviour is a reflection of the type of person he is and not a reflection on you as a worthy person, unless you allow yourself to stay put and put up with his type, which will make you feel even worse about yourself, which is not fair on you. You are punishing yourself needlessly and it can weaken you, however, it could also make you stronger and more intune with your values and what you want in a relationship if you can say loudly NO actually this is not the sort of type I want because he makes me feel unhappy instead of happy , therefore it certainly is not love or even like come to think of it.
I hope you can find your strong side and let this type out of your life and put this type way out of touch for your future relationships.
I as interested to read that someone is just waiting, waiting for what? a miracle? him to change? (you cannot change a person full stop, they are what they are you need to accept that). Mean while you are making yourself unavailable for anyone else to try and make you happy and connect with you. What a waste of life in general, waiting, for a train that will never arrive? for someone to make you happy who has no intention of ever doing so? seems irrational behaviour when you take the want and hurt away. I am sure you do not need him, if so for what? if you say happiness you are relying on something out of your control to do that, again irrational behaviour. Step out of the situation yoy hold yourself in and look at ifor what it is at this moment of time, I am pretty sure you are not happy with it. Only you can make you happy and that can only happen when you think of your situation at this moment and not what happened in the past or what might happen in the future, Might is a very obscure word, it is not rock solid that will definately happen, especially with this type of person.
Best regards
Dawn
Best of luck
Dawn
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