Mr Unavailable & The Fallback Girl
Welcome back! Have you got my ebooks - The No Contact Rule and Mr Unavailable & The Fallback Girl? Also become a fan of Baggage Reclaim on Facebook, follow me onTwitter, and join the forum.
It’s time to stop wondering what it is that you’re doing wrong or could do differently, and accept that it’s not about you!
Mr Unavailable always has obstacles that get in the way of him being present and accountable and when he runs out of obstacles to blame, it turns to you.
These elusive, emotionally unavailable men are the most popular men to date simply because women rarely recognise the dangers of being with him as he often exhibits ‘nice’ qualities. Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl by NML is the follow up to Book One version that she released that revealed what’s really going on with this ambivalent, ambiguous, character, providing you with in-depth information about how he operates and why he behaves as he does. The updated book with an additional 200 pages now not only explains him in the detail that women everywhere have been looking for, but now explains how she falls in with his behaviour, what drives her, and the different roles she assumes whilst pursuing Mr Unavailable, from being a Yo-Yo Girl, to the Other Woman, to the Flogger, and the Over-Giver. If you’ve loved an emotionally unavailable man, you’re in there and you’ll finally get some answers and realise that you are not alone.
Here’s what you’ll learn when you buy and download Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl:
Understand why our attraction to emotionally unavailable men is tied up in the negative things that we believe about ourselves, love, and relationships. We tend to choose men that reflect these negatives.
Learn about yourself, the Fallback Girl; that woman that Mr Unavailable relies on to massage his ego and cater to his needs whilst managing down her expectations and contributing little or nothing into the relationship. Meet the Yo-Yo Girl, the Other Woman, the Flogger, the Renovator and Florence Nightingale, the Over-Givers, and Miss Independent/Miss Self-Sufficient.
Discover the most common relationship situations such as him being attached, seperated, long distance or hooked on his ex, that are the hallmark of the emotionally unavailable man and learn to recognise key signs that you’re with him.
Find out exactly what is making Mr Unavailable tick from blowing hot and cold, to using you for sex, and refusing to recognise his poor behaviour, and learn why issues such as poor emotional schooling and an over inflated ego will be keeping him the way he is. Discover exactly how he manages down your expectations and even manipulates you into doing exactly what he wants.
Find out how you tie in with emotionally unavailable men by allowing them to turn the tables around you causing you to become ‘the pursuer’ and refusing to listen because you’re like a ‘disgruntled customer’, plus many more behaviours that are in sync with all of his behaviours.
Learn what your motivations are for being in relationships with Mr Unavailable and find out how to break your pattern by choosing you and seeing actions for exactly what they are.
Most importantly, you’ll learn that it’s not about you per se, and that these issues were there long before you came on the scene, they are there now, and they’ll be there long after you’re gone.
This is about taking control of yourself and your relationship choices so that you can learn to stop deriving your value from the relationships that you have with these men and get happy.
Take the focus off him and put it back to you because he is not going to change!
How do you know if you need to read this?
Have a regular habit of being with attached or married guys?
Long-term relationships that never go anywhere?
Are your relationships filled with ambiguity and drama?
Drawn to relationships with little or no hope of commitment?
Confused by men that blow hot and cold?
Been an accidental booty call or gone from ‘girlfriend’ to screw buddy?
Keep talking about the man he was in the beginning?
Are you hoping that your guy will change?
Can’t break up, won’t break up, either because you can’t let go or he keeps coming back?
Wondering why he doesn’t call, or why he only communicates with you via text or email?
Tired of being with the same man, different package?
Do you believe that it’s only his issues that stand between you and your happiness?
“NML, I bought your book last week, and just couldn’t stop reading it. IT WAS GREAT!! Half the time I was sitting there saying “Oh my God that’s me, and that’s him!!!” It was everything that I am going through and everything I am.
I think that somewhere deep down inside we know that this IS what our relationship is and who we are, it’s just hard to believe that WE could have fallen into such a disasterous pattern and choice in life….The book has opened my eyes to a lot of things, probably things that I already knew, but its the comfort of hearing it and reading it from someone elses perspective that has made me realise….ITS REAL, and not only is it real but, I am not alone….I am grateful for this site and for the books that you have and are going to put out and can’t wait to ready the next 2. I am getting a little stronger everyday, and hopefully will come to my senses soon. Thanks for all and please hurry with your next book!! GREAT JOB!!! xoxoxo” Danielle
Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl: Book One is filled with in-depth advice and explanations, my own experiences, reader comments, tips, and exercises.
This is the book to read if you want to be enlightened about these men so that you can stop making excuses for your continued investment into the relationship, break your pattern, and build self-awareness to improve your self-esteem so that you can encourage healthier relationships.
“I came across your site after a night of prowling the internet looking for advice to decode the behaviour of the guy I thought I was dating. You were the first person to put a title on my predicament ‘Mr Unavailable.’
It took you, a complete stranger, and the stories of other women around the world to make me realize that I was attracting selfish men who were unwilling to offer their full selves to me. But most importantly, I realized that the common denominator was me and that I had to change my behavior and outlook before I could expect to attract Mr. Available.” Carver-27-Chicago
Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl is the result of sharing my insights about emotional unavailability on both Baggage Reclaim and the specifically created Mr Unavailable Guide. The first part of the book focuses on him because due to the dysfunctional dynamics between Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, knowledge about who he is and how and why he behaves as he does is key, otherwise you’ll keep believing that he’s just going through an extended ‘phase’…
The middle part of the book explains the Fallback Girl and how she ties in so well with Mr Unavailable, falling in sync with his behaviour by helping him avoid responsibility by taking up the mantle with the pursuit and repeatedly making excuses for him, so that she can stay invested.
The third part focuses on healing and moving on, with empowering messages to help you build the strength to make changes.
If you have ever been involved with an emotionally unavailable man and have felt like tearing your hair in frustration at this enigma, this book is for you. You are not alone. Really!
Buy and download now – £12.50/approx $24
Read an excerpt
Read testimonials from readers of my blogs
About the author
Mr Unavailable and The Fallback Girl: Book One is available for instant download. It’s currently £12.50 (normally £15) which is approx $24.
Are you a blogger? Email me at nml [@] baggagereclaim.co.uk for a free review copy.
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I bought this book and it is probably the smartest thing I’ve done in a long, long time! It was like it was written just for me.
I hate to admit it, but sometimes it felt like a checklist of my own stupidity. One and a half years of my life wasted on a EUM.
I cried a lot while reading this. There were a couple of times that I actually had to stop reading because the truth was so overwhelming.
I got dumped for the LAST time by my EUM 21 days ago. It was one breakup after another – always him breaking up with me, always me going back for more abuse.
He is already trying to come back around to my life … even after he admitted that he had no business getting involved in my life at all. But, what am I saying?! He was never IN my life! I was in his – and only partly. His family never knew I existed. He took me out to dinner twice. He never met my friends. He never said he loved me – in fact, he told me he could “never love me” … and omg, Ladies – I stayed for almost 2 years!
So let me say, if you are on this website, do yourself (YOURSELF! remember her?) a monumental favor and read this book. It is a wake-up-call for your life.
I didnt find my EUM he looked me up via our high school alumni website. He was recently separated. His wife had an affair. We had a great relationship in college. I didnt see any of this coming. Ive never run into this before. Whats up with the lack of phone contact. In the beginning he called a lot then dropped out of sight & woule only text/email. Why is that a trait of EUM’s? After 9 months he told me he didnt like talking on the phone. When he did he would say he only had 5 minutes or so & if I complained he would say “Do you want 5 min’s or nothing as if I should be thankful. Everything was always about him & he bragged all the time about himself other women. He looked me up, swept me off my feet with flattery & sex. Problem is I am confused because we had a long distance relationship. He knew where I lived when he looked me up. Promised me the world, hid me for a year then the minute he met someone local he dumped me as if I met nothing after telling me he loved me & we belonged together for a year! I was devastated! I have been through hell & back & never got over the guy 25 years ago. For him to come back & do this was like a cruel joke! This new girl within weeks has already met his kids & mother after me investing a year into this realtionship so is he really an EUM or was it just with me? If it is all about him I can see him dating her because she is there but why doesnt he hide her then? He said he didnt want his boys to know he was dating someone out of state? Is that the truth?
Oh he’s definitely an EUM and an assclown! He has all of the classic signs. His behaviour is about him – the issue existed before you came along, it existed when you were ‘dating’, and it will exist long after. You need to get to the root of why you are still emotionally invested in someone 25 years later – you have romanticised what you had with him to a very large extent and the using bastard crept back into your life, kept you on the downlow, and then continued to seek out someone new so that he could move on. You were an ego massage. If he knew you weren’t over him, you were ideal. He’s a lazy git that got off on knowing that there was a woman out there that wanted him. He groomed you with a bit of attention and then yanked the rug from under your feet with his pathetic excuses. Always remember that Mr Unavailable always has an obstacle that prevents him being all that he should be in the relationship. When he can’t find an obstacle to bandy around for an excuse, YOU become the obstacle. The boys are the most pathetic excuse I’ve heard in a long time – the truth is that he just didn’t want anyone to know that he was dating you. End of. Cut contact and start working on healing and moving on.
Book One was a real eye opener and I can’t wait for books two and three to become available.
After my on-again/off-again relationship with my ex-Mr Unavailable, I finally decided that this would be the FINAL breakup. About six months after our break-up I bumped into one of his friends and when he asked how I was doing, I informed him that I was fabulously well and was seeing someone special again (even though I did not have anyone in my life). I knew that it would eventually reach my ex! Well, it seemed to have worked as I have not received a single annoying email from him in 3 months! This has given me an opportunity to focus on myself, learn the lessons I needed to learn and heal my heart.
Thank you once again for educating us women on the futility of these empty, limiting relationships with unavailable men. You’ve given me the tools to move forward again.
I like your writing style very much. It’s unpretentious, direct, honest, non judgmental and with the necessary hint of humor. Readers are going through one of the most painful experiences of our lives. We need motivation, a little smile between sobs and definitely not a kick in the ass or to be lectured.
You wrote you’re not a psychologist, and maybe that’s a good thing because I read a book written by one and it was like reading the transcript of a speech given in a physiologist convention. Yes, we need and want to understand why he did that to us or what is going on in his mind but, we need it in terms we can related not in a clinical fashion.
Until I found your websites I felt so lonely and ashamed. Occidental societies are still very sexist and women are the first to promote this kind of behavior. The little hairy peanut’s gf sent me threatening emails after he backed off from living together, even when I was not with him. I understand she was in pain and felt threatened herself but instead of ripping hairy peanut’s head she launched herself to my throat only. I couldn’t talk to anybody about my own pain because I knew I would be pointed as TOW. Well, going back to him after seeing prove after prove that he was with her MADE me TOW…
Your article “Breaking Up With and Getting Over a Married Man/Attached Man” gave me support in my darkest times. It was with this article that I began to develop the awareness of what was going on with me. Articles like this one and the one about the NCR are highly helpful, since they give us strategies to apply *today*. I’m learning now that I can only beat this one day a time.
You know, right now I’m a bitter woman with a cynical point of view about relationships. I know it’s bad and it’s something I must overcome but I have other immediate priorities like keeping the NCR and heal my self esteem. However, you also giving me hope on this matter too. I was amazed that a woman had the courage to tell what happened to her in such an open way and wanted to help other women on similar situations.
I hope I’ll get over this bitter episode of my life soon, and since I doubt I can help you, I will help somebody else which in turn I hope will help another person, and I want you to know that you inspired this.
I have purchased Mr Unavailable and the fallback girl but I dont know what to do now. I didnt receive any instructions to download. Help want to read soon
I have been with my Mr Unavailble for around two and a half years- I break up and make up with him all the time- I know things aren’t right and I deserve someone I can build a family with but keep letting him back into my life. This site has showed me I’m not the only one and I will find the strength to leave this situation one day..hopefully soon..
NML – I just saw ur response to my post. The pain of it cuts like a knife. “He just didn’t want anyone to know he was seeing you”. Why? Why would a man lead you to believe he wanted a future & tell you such flattering things & that he loves you if he didn’t mean it? I can’t fathom that. That is all for his ego? I’m so confused by that. I also need to understand how he could move on so quickly & legitimize this new relationship to everyone with this new girl? You say he will be an EUM long after me then am I to assume he is being an EUM with her? Why isn’t he hiding her then? I happen to know they are “attached at the hip” so he obviously isn’t blowing cold with her. In the end he said I was “too emotional” & that “he didnt think he could ever give me what I needed or deserved”. I was like how the hell would you know what I need it was always about you?! I drive myself crazy telling myself this girl has brothers so she will not be as “emotional”. She has no kids or baggage so she can be there at his beck and call which is just what he wants. They didn’t have to get to know each other by email so there was no need for him to pour his heart out to get her hooked & she won’t wonder where the hell that person went? He is guarded due to his pending dissolution & that would seem normal to me. Why would anyone want to commit coming out of something like that? He asked me to be patient with him & that he was in it with me for the long haul & I was ok with that. He did want to spend every minute with me when we were together. Isn’t it possible he just saw no reason to commit or introduce me to his children if I wasn’t moving back there?
NML – one more thing. I have to say that I think this is a sad situation. Although I don’t agree these guys should use people it seems like they just can’t axpress any emotion whether it be anger, sadness, intimacy, or anything. They are so disconnected. At least I found that to be true with my EUM. The confusion comes because they are so great with all of the flattery & so full of life & fun to be around. They go out of their way to please you sexually & are very social people. My guy bragged about me to his buddies & wanted to spend every waking moment with me. Always told me how beautiful & sexy I was. It just plain felt good. My EUM’s father had passed away & I know he felt terribly guilty for not being there & even cried to me about it. Years later his wife had an affair. I would think that would be traumatic for anyone. I guess the difference is all in how you deal with it. Translation don’t go hooking up & lying to someone just to feel better. I have to say if he was an EUM I can see why his wife strayed! Based on some of his comments about their relationship I believe his ego & EU was the demise of that relationship as well. It still is all very confusing for me!
Kim, he is also a narcissist and believe he didn’t treat his wife better. She strayed for emotional connection. Also EUM come on strong and lose interest after the new wears off or they find somebody else to massage their ego.
You were just another object to use.
I don’t believe for a minute that the new girl will be around for long, either she will tell him to get lost or he will lose interest, he doesn’t want her 24/7.
Think about it, you were far away, very “safe” for him, no danger to get emotionally involved.
I am sure you guys didn’t see each other often, right? When you did, he was all over you for that short period of time, had fun and so on.
Did you read NML’s book yet? If not, you MUST read it, you will find a lot of answers .
Lying is second nature to these guys.
Don’t beat yourself up thinking that he is committed to the new girl, he is NOT, she just serves a purpose right now just like you did.
It is all about him – nobody else.
Cut contact with this man – I hate to call them men – and don’t respond should he make contact or this will go on for years. Been there done that.
Hi Kim, I have to say Astelle is spot on and I am very proud of how far you have come Astelle! Please get in touch with me Kim and I’ll see what I can do to help you nml [at] baggagereclaim.co.uk
Astelle & NML – God this is so painful! I have been single for 8 years. I would have never tolerated this from just a “date” as I hate getting close to men period. This was an old college flame. I thought this was fate to get a 2nd chance with him! I layed my heart out there & learned to trust again & this happens. I truly believed he loved me & I was so ready for a relationship. I am 43 for peats sake! He is very intelligent & knows a lot of this. He even said to be “patient” with him & he would open up over time. I want to warn this new girl. I want to console his wife & give her your book! This man is dismantling everyone’s life! He deserves to be alone. My instincts have been right on all along & I confronted him with each “flag” I just didn’t understand the what to do with all of this. Thank God for you & your website Natalie. You have literally saved my life! I had been so depressed & actually had a break down trying to figure this out because I knew something wasn’t right.
I have to ask you & Astelle 3 things #1 – I told him early on “Do you understand when you pull back it causes me to pull back”? He said yes, that is where my marriage failed. I started to withdraw after my dad’s death actually shortly before & she did the same. He said the difference is I need you to NOT shut down. I need you to yank me back. I know I have to do it but I need your support & nurturing”. I told him I can love him in spite of it all but what do you mean “yank you back”? It seems to me he was aware of his withdrawing. What is your take on him saying that & being aware of the withdrawing?
#2 – Are you telling me that he will move from girl to girl or possibly get married but get bored with her? He said his wife was very insecure & accused him of flirting. He HATED insecure women. This new girl is a guidance counselor so hopefully she will catch on sooner than later. You said in your book that in order for an EUM to be with someone that person must carry some type of negativity with them.
#3 – Does that mean she must have issues as well? He is sucking her in already. He is very seducing. Her my space page says she is “married” with her favorite song as “Better man”. What a joke! (He told me that was his favorite song & I made him a better man) He is probably feeding her the same lines like “We belong together”.
#4 – I still need to ask if he is afraid if commitment why did he introduce her to his mother & children & friends? Isn’t that a committed thing to do?
She fits his “ideal” profile. No kids, $, can move right in & be there for him. Is that why? If I am correct you are telling me that she could be a freakin’ beauty queen but once he gets bored with her regardless of her ego stroking he will move on or cheat? Sick.
This is beyond “using” someone it is just plain mental!
I ordered this through paypal but didn’t get it. Did I mess something up when ordering???
Alicia, I have emailed you. You’ll need to get touch and let me know your paypal ID, date of purchase, or something! nml [@] baggagereclaim.co.uk Thanks
I found this informations in Mr Unavailabe and The Fallback Girl Book One extremely interesting and helpful and was wondering when how and where do we go to learn about The Fallback Girl so that we can understand our part in this mess and learn what causes us to be such and what to do about it.
Hi, I read the first book and found it excellent reading. For the first time I realised that it was me picking the wrong men!
Any news on part 2 or 3 as I’d like to carry on with the reading, it was so enjoyable and I had many ‘light-bulb’ moments.
Thank you NML and everyone. This website has given me a ton of insight and a lot of strength. I finally ended it with my EUM for good 2 months ago. We had been together (I thought exclusively) for a year. The second year I had been in a boomerang relationship with him up until 2 months ago. We had shared some great times together and when we were together it was terrific. We went on several vacations together and got along superbly. I fell in love with him, but he didn’t return the feelings. We only saw each once or twice a week on a regular basis for the first year. He put up a wall and wouldn’t let the relationship progress. I kept in there because I thought he had potential and he told me he wanted to take things slow. Please!!! Well, he emailed last week and it was a lame email just wanting to see how I am. I didn’t respond, but I’ve been obsessed with him for the past week. I guess there’s a part of me still wishing that he will show up on my doorstep declaring his love for me. He was a typical EUM…never told me he loved me, never met my family. I also found him on dating websites. He always had some excuse and I wanted to believe him. It was all about him, what he wanted to do, when he wanted to see me. I could even count on him calling everyday. I turned myself inside out trying to make it work…and I started therapy because of how I realized my self esteem was so low to put up with a guy who wouldn’t give me what I want and needed. I ended up going back with him about 4 or 5 more times, ending it quicker and quicker each time when I realized he still wouldn’t give me what I needed and it was all about stroking his ego and what he could get from me. He would mostly communicate by email. It was a big deal if he called even though he knew that was what I wanted. It is so pathetic as I am writing this, that I would put up with so little. He knew how I hated email communication as the main way of him contacting me. He would tell me I was the best thing that ever happened to him, how great I was, yada, yada, but would let me break up with him and lose me. Then he would just about have to sneeze and I would go running back. Well this time I didn’t respond to him and I’m having a very hard time…there’s a part of me that wants to so badly respond and be with him…even though I know logically that he is poisin for me. I know I have to focus on me, but instead I’m thinking about him, what he’s doing and what his next move will be. It has been a struggle ever since I met him. I gave away my power to him and he still holds some of it. I know I have to celebrate my victory too…for not talking or corresponding for 2 months and not answering his last email. ANY ADVICE FOR GETTING HIM OUT OF MY HEAD???????
Hi – congratulations on resolving to get over him. I had a similar relationship with an unavailable guy. We weren’t together for as long and didn’t see each other as much as you did with your ex – but all of the behavior sounds like the same guy.
I’ve been broken up with my ex for over 8 months now and he still pulls at my heart strings (we work together). But, for the most part, I see him for who he really is and that is not a guy that is going to make me happy in the long run.
I fell off the wagon and hooked up with him a few weeks ago. It was fun, but this time I did not make any noise about wanting to get back together. Neither did he, but he said the same cr&*p as he always did, which would always cause me to say and do things to try to win his love of commitment.
So, I never experienced the highs or the lows of the hook-up but – I did find it very “sub-par” without any hope attached to it.
Now when I see him at work, I just act normal. I have to tell you – he still makes me laugh and smile. And I do the same for him. But – that’s all it is. It never goes past our seeing each other in passing or discussing a work issue with jokes and personal anecdotes thrown in between. It’s a very “here and now” type of situation – he is much more a colleague that I like than a true friend, lover, potential boyfriend, etc….
Do I still get my hopes up? Sure do. Just today, I was tempted to send him an email. It’s a beautiful spring day and I’d love to share it with him. However, I know for darn sure he would either 1) non respond, 2) respond, but never actually get together with me. And then my self esteem would take a dive. And it would take me a few days to a week to feel better about that.
So, I am just staying strong and not reaching out. Telling myself that we had our chance and it didn’t work out. I need to set my sights on a guy that can make me smile, laugh, etc.. and feel good about myself, want to spend time with me and want a potential future with me.
I think – if I am focused on my ex – I really am never going to be truly open to meeting someone better suited for me. I’ll only continue to be attracted to him or men with qualities similar to him.
So, stay strong and just power through. Be good to yourself and try to stay busy. Call friends, write in a journal. Ask your friends that are smart about men and their relationships for their honest opinion about your situation. And listen. Be real. No rose colored glasses. Just do it – get over him!
Getting stronger – your situation sounds so much like mine. I find myself constantly going back & forth thinking of the great times, how we got along so well & laughed, how great the sex was & the fab vacations. Nothing bad really except for when it came to real communication & feelings. When he did call he only had 5 minuteds & would mainly text/email. He would blow major hot & flatter me so I just knew he loved me then would disappear for days/weeks.
What helps me is really trying to focus on how selfish & messed up he was. How when he did call it was only to talk/brag about himself, how he couldnt take 2 seconds to ask how my day was, how he needed his ego stroked constantly, became very defensive if I questioned him about anything, & how he was condescending at times.
Until this site I was so confused how this man that told me he loved me & I meant the world to him & he wanted a future with me could ignore me & turn on me at times. We have to rememeber the bad & not just the great sex & fun times. I was with my guy for a year as well. HE pursued me, ended up using me as a fill in until he met someone else, lied about it, fed her the same lines, then cheated on her with me! What about that is healthy?
What I am trying to say is we tend to hang on to the good for whatever reason. If we get real with ourselves we can see them for what they truly are. Incapable of real love. They live on the surface, disconnected, use people for what they can get. I convinced myself this other girl was the one. She may be but it is only a facade. They use women as “covers”. They look for the “ideal” woman to fit their “mold” then look over their shoulders & cheat to get their ego’s massaged. I don’t believe that will ever change with these guys. It is who they are. They say they want “strong” “secure” ” and confident” women yet they are so insecure it isn’t even funny.
I tried to convince myself that he was only unavailable to me. That I must have said or did something he didn’t like. I’m sure he was keeping “tabs” with his perfect woman checklist, however, in my heart of hearts I know that people don’t change overnight. His wife cheated & left him & his delicate ego could not take it so he looked me up because he is a baby.
I know I need to take my own advice but this is a learning/healing process & it doesn’t happen overnight. That is why we need this website & each other so STAY STRONG!
Someone suggested writing all of the sh*t things they do on a 3×5 card & put in your purse. I think that is a great idea. Whenever I catch myself in pain thinking of him & glorifying the relationship I pull out that card because that was really the reality of the situation. Take care of yourself!
Kim
Great post.. I can relate as can many others I’m sure. I’m tryingto start the NC with my EUM who I have been broken up with for about 2 months. We had about a 7 month relationship where both left our spouses. I am going to div court tomorrow, he is still in limbo, seperated and to pssy enough to make a move forward. I am w.o a doubt, up and down, but have recently started a letter to him, which i do plan on sending at some point. The letter explains to him and to myself that he is not the man i fell in love with last year. This man, presently, is self-absorbed, selfish, self-centered and a hypocrite above all. The letter outlines what I’m bitter about, my thoughts on him, his actions, or lack thereof and everything I’m mad about. I have to admit, most of it is not nice, but I have been nice to him for 2 months and have not really told him how I really feel. I do cling to last year at this time, and do stress about the summer, since we spent all last summer on his boat, but I want to be so done with this. I’m sick of thinking about it, talking about, and not moving on from it. I keep thinking that the next time will be different. A friend of mine was teasing me about another guy we know and possibly dating him. I responded with “he has a bigger boat”.. as a joke.
My friend put it all into perspective.. “HE HAS A BIGGER BOAT AND IS NOT MARRIED”…
seriously.. if i can just step out of the box and kick this guy to the curb and throw the NC on him.. He has not filed, is EU to any woman that comes his way, and seems to have a big enough job taking care of his own needs and no one elses. A NIGHT MARE!!!!
Shelia – I am so choked up reading your post. So many things in it hit home for me. I too feel I have no closure. I have written a letter so many times but never sent it. I did tell him off when we 1st broke up but THEN the assclown turned it around, manipulated me into thinking I was the one that wanted it to be over then blew cold when I apologized! Talk about messing with your mind! They can’t stand being the bad guy!
I was right on the $ with my guy but never followed my instincts as I have never dealt with an EUM before.
To this day the guy is still separated over a yr & a 1/2 later & has made no attempts to divorce but is dating another & is feeding her all of the same lines I’m sure. I walked on egg shells for so long with him like a fool.
I am 43 years old & I have been single for 8 years. My ex husband had an affair 8 years ago with a girl 15 years younger & just quit coming home & abandoned me with 2 kids.
My EUM was an old college flame that I never truly got over. He looked me up via our old high school alumni website & he is SO not the man I remember from those days. I realize people change but we are supposed to get better & wiser. He layed it on so thick making me believe we had what it took to have a great relationship because we are both more mature now & know what we want out of life. I thought it was fate & my days of being alone were over. This is truly the hardest thing I have ever gone through in my life to think I had a 2nd chance at love & especially with an old flame. Unrealistic or not he said he believed God had a plan for us & that maybe we each had to go through what we did to end up together.
He told me he was separated & I told him I did not want to get involved until his divorce was final, that I had been there & it is a very taxing, emotional process. I held him off for 3 months why he did everything in his power to convince me he was “healed” & “over it”. Lied & said he had been to counseling & that they have had no relationship for 2 + years. He started reminiscing about us dating in college & all of the fun we had & eventually after much convincing that he was getting divorced with or without me I agreed to meet him.
It took everything I had to trust & put my heart out there again & he lied, cheated, & manipulated me all for his own comfort & benefit. It hurts to the very core because we had a such special relationship in college. Now all I have are bad memories of him using me because his ego was bruised & he heard I never got over him. He knew what I had been through. He had been there himself. He told me he could never “cheat” on someone like his wife did & that he tries to be “loyal” & “honest” & you have to be able to look in the mirror! TALK ABOUT A HYPOCRITE! The sickest part is he truly believes that! Based on some of the things he said to me about theire relationship she had an affair because he constantly flirted, needed his ego stroked & she needed emotional connection! I feel so stupid. My head was saying dont get involved but my heart took over. Regulars to this site will think I am playing victim here as I have told this story many times, but if one person can take something from it, see something familiar or be consoled & feel that they aren’t alone then I will continue telling it.
I feel for you. A divorce is tough enough to go through let alone feeling left so empty by someone you thought truly cared & loved you.
The difference is Sheila we are not selfish people. We are not ego seeking, lying, mainpulating girls. We may have some self esteem issues but nothing compared to what these types of men dish out! It is so misleading. My guy is 45 freakin’ years old! Get over yourself & tell the truth for God’s sake! I would have NEVER put my heart out there like that if he would have came to me like a normal man but he went to such lengths “reeling” me in with lines then when I reciprocated he backed off. Like we are supposed to know they arent being genuine!
I guess that is where the “red flags” come in! I SO wish I would have followed my gut or seen this sight a LONG time ago! I guess we have to stop putting the focus on them & what they do/don’t do & put it on ourselves. If we don’t who will?
We are just looking for love but obviously in all the wrong places. I know that now. Hang in there and PLEASE Keep the NC rule! If you dont you will regret it! I was in limbo for months & gave in & slept with him & I so regret “feeding” his ego once again!
He is long distance & STILL trying to use me for his own benefit! The thing that will give you the POWER back is by ignoring him because not only do they HATE it but it makes you stronger each day he doesnt have that hold on you! THAT is how you get the power back! Had I known then what I know now I would have done the NC thing a long time ago!
that word “self-esteem” just hit a nerve with me.. Our self esteem is better than this.. i know mine is.. wow.. i think i just had a moment in all this mess…
Kim, have you done NC? how long has it been?
Shelia – not really. He broke it off & pulled the “friend” card. I went with it but then decided I dont need nor want his friendship for lying & using me. Im sure I will hear from him again as he needs my help with something but if & when he does I wont respond!
Sheila – sorry – we text last the end of March.
Sheila – have you bought NML’s book? If not you have to read it. It explains how our low self-worth is what keeps us in these relationships to begin with. I am def looking to purchase the “Fallback Girl” when it is available!
yes, i read it once when it first came out.. but very quickly as I could not print it at work, so I read it on line..
seriously.. i’m at the end of the line with this.. I have a feeling after going thru the emotions of div court tomorrow, I will have nothing left to bother with this nonsense anymore..
btw.. he knows I’ve filed.. about 3 months ago.. do you think in all this contact i’ve had with him, he asked me if i went to court, or when court was.. can you believe this shit? i mean really.. who is the azzhole.. I am!!!!
That is what you have to keep remembering! It isn’t about YOU & never has been. All the good things they said & did were for THEIR benefit! If he truly cared dont you think he would ask how you are doing? In HIS world it is all about HIS problems, HIS life, HIS drama, HIS kids. Don’t believe that will change. That is the trap we fall into. If he is a true EUM it isn’t about you OR how you are feeling & it never will be!
One more thing if you don’t mind my advice. Divorces are tough. I am 8 years out & STILL wonder if I am ready! Give yourself some time before you get involved again. You need to be healed & whole to be able to get into a healthy relationship & that will take some time. If you do have self esteem issues do whatever you can to resolve them before you get into another relationship. I thought I had resloved mine but obviously I have not. I am seeing a hypnotist/therapist now to help with that. Good luck tomorrow! Stay strong!
thanks.. i’m so sick of trying to figure out what makes these guys tick.. for real….how you can be so self-centered, i have no idea..
THEY make themselves tick! We are just objects along for the ride massaging their delicate egos! They really are pathetic. I need to heed my own advice & keep movin’ on!
I was just dumped by a guy that seems like an EUM. He was my best friend for years. We have been going out 1.5 years. He have been able to connect on so many levels except that he cant connect emotionally. He is scared of intimacy. I really love him and care about him. He said it was over and never bothered to call back to check if I was ok. It has been a month now, I have not called either. But I am still not over it and fell really sad sometimes. How do I get over it. It just seemed perfect till we broke up. he says I am the perfect girl for him but he does not want to hurt me
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