Thank you!

I love that phrase, “If you don’t want me, you can’t have me.”

That is great!

Hang on in there Kristen.

The scary thing, (and I don’t feel like being scared anymore!!) how long does it take for their ‘true colors’ to show….. years?? if so then I don’t think I’ll be letting anyone in my life ever again. Life is already too short.

xx

Highway AC.. if you find yourself lost there just get off at the next exit, pronto : – ))

“head wreckers” … that’s such a good phrase .. and so accurate

Chris

Now I am using him to regain my balance, heal and have every intention once I am on my feet to move on with my life without Mr. Unavailable. I do not feel guilty in the least bit using him as he has used me. Since that is only coming from my end – guilt – it has to be eliminated as that is not real in this relationship. Zero guilt and manipulation.

Remaining calm, smiling, and re-educating myself. Also spending whatever it takes to never ever attract such a lunatic again on therapies.

Thanks for this great website of encouragement and Happy New Year!

To answer your slew of questions ..my experience is that the EUM is a pretty clueless boy-man, busy running around in the here and now, just as this post defines. If he actually has a lightbulb moment – gets in touch with his own feelings, actually feels empathy and the consequence of his behaviors….it makes him so uneasy he slips into comfort and avoidance by reverting to the arseboyclown behavior we are all so familiar with ..and tired of. Good luck with NC.

well, everything was great except… enter the major mixed signals. he started saying contradicting things. one minute he wanted to marry someday, next minute he said he never wants to get married. one minute his heart was buried because of his ex, next minute he was over her. he said he had girl “friends,” and next minute he told me how these friends were dates and he sleeps with all his dates on the first date and then he doesn’t care if he sees them again and i am more special than that. i questioned him on all this and he had smooth ways to wiggle out of all of it. he told me to take everything with a grain of salt, he told me to give him time to see how he has changed and i am the special one and he wants what i want. i told him this crap talk has to stop, and if he really is conflicted, then he needs to work that out without me. The talk stopped for a little while and things were great. However, now we are close to 3 months and he still had not kissed me. our flirting had turned to sexual flirting, but nothing was developing physically. we were seeing each other 3 or 4 times a week, talking or contact everyday. i just wanted to kiss! So– he had all kinds of excuses for that and told me he takes painkillers (and who knows what else, he would not tell me) and they cut out his desire. but then he would tell me about sex he has had with other women (unprovoked…with no reason to tell me that except to maybe hint something at me). so i knew he could have sex. which was the lie? i was about to have enough of it all. He dripped information, he was big into the dangled carrots and future talk of different ways he would propose, all the sex we would have, buying a house, blah blah blah, always declaring how much he adored me. He only has two male friends, but i met them and they both thought he finally got his dreamgirl. that is what he called me. I talked with him, and i foolishly decided to relax and go day by day and give him just a little more time. he became even more affectionate. and then one night he got into an argument with my friend and left me because of it. said he had to leave to protect my friendship with her. but he didn’t go away. he was immediately emailing me with poems and emails of his love for me but how he must sacrifice himself so i can be happy. he must do the honorable thing and leave the woman of his dreams. over a stupid disagreement with a friend? i didn’t have much going on in my life and he had already wore me down and had me in some daze obsessing over him trying to figure him out, thinking i really wanted that love that he dangled in front of me but wasn’t really giving me. i responded to some emails like a fool. they get away with crap if we let them. this went on for a month. finally i said i miss him and am tired of this and so he started to call. now he wanted to see me again. i wanted answers and validation, so i met him. for a while we were our happy selves again having a great time until time for the talk. he finally told me he does not want to fall in love after all. couldn’t i be happy knowing the other women were nothing to him and i was the important one? uh, no. i said i felt led on and he told me he DID want relationship. he said, well, yeah, someday… so i said then call me someday and see if we still like each other and see if i am still single. that made him hang all over me! NOW he was kissing me! trying so hard it was silly. i would not kiss him back. i could see what he was trying to do. he tried so hard and i kept asking him to define what he wants now. he said we are more than friends. and he said this,” you are easy to love, and i know and everyone around me knows i was falling in love with you, but i do not want to fall in love!” and ” i did not expect to fall in love with you, but i will not fall in love.” He was scared i would hurt him or he would hurt me and he will not fall in love. So i told him i cannot be some friend with emotional benefits while he sexually flirts with me but will only have sex with women he doesn’t like in order to stay unattached. how unfair to everyone. and telling me that statement, isn’t he is telling me he will hurt me in order to stop his feelings if he starts to fall in love again? he says no, but he cannot explain what he wants from me now. he kept calling, texting, emailing and i ignored or threw his crap back at him. he kept saying i was ignoring him or must be with someone else. then he tried to seduce me with a holiday vacation with him. why? “to make me happy.” i explained how i cannot just drop my feelings and be in some no-emotion bubble and go on what would have been a dream vacation in other circumstances. well, his latest email to me is all about how he had a simple request that needed a simple answer and i had to go make big drama out of it, how i uneccessarily make drama out of thin air and rant and bust his balls when all he wanted was to spend time with the person he wants the most, but no matter how he compromises for me, nothing is good enough for me, what happened to that sweet, gentle girl he used to know? everything he says i use against him, i provoke fights for no reason, even with all my crazy behavior, he still has to smile and love the beautiful mess i am, he definitely needs a prenupt to marry me now, he goes on about the sex he was going to give me, but now sees it is too dangerous, it goes on and on. he put some smiley faces in there so i guess i would take it serously but not. it makes me so hurt and angry. he is rationalizing, justifying, in denial, projecting! i am so done with it and so ready to move on and i kind of don’t care as much anymore. he already hurt me long ago. so now do i respond and point him to the error of his ways (which he can never see and take responsibility for) and say my last word? do i ignore it? or simply respond, “we want different things, i am done, good bye”????? they just tear you up and then act all innocent. couldn’t tell me what he wanted from me, gave me more mixed signals knowing i was hurt, but he is the good one and i am CRAZY. yeah right. i think he wants me to apologize. i don’t know why he does what he does!

There had been a very limited discussion around the concept of, “Big plans require big action.” He then acknowledged that he had been using excuses – well, sort of acknowledged – and that he had to start acting his behavior out in more appropriate verbs. As in something other than saying one thing and doing another.

But, still, at the end of the day (the months, the years), he stayed stuck in his inertia. It then very much enabled my inertia. I finally got sick and tired of the inertia and went NC. It took me three tries before I stayed with NC.

I think that we can then get so stuck that we lose our own way. We start waiting for signs and indicators. It is a bad way to live. It can almost destroy you.