Anyhow…keep it comin’…really appreciate the work you are doing here!

Thank you!

But worse:
First, my EUM married his on-again, off-again girlfriend, on whom he cheated (and she knew about it!) and who he treated–on a major holiday–with a major disrespect, in that he stood her up! (He was in his first major–eight-month–”off” period when he dated me);
Second, our mutual “respectful”/”nice girl”/”good girl”/professional/”not easy” friends ignore me, or don’t invite me to their major parties, when they are around!

So I particularly would love an answer to your question, b/c my experience was the same…but worse, in the above respects. (And, yes, NML, I DO realize that they are all one and the same: unavailable themselves; and that we were really respected and not fallbacks. But still…)

Also, why do they care so much about:
1. not looking like a bad guy; and:
2. not looking like a bad guy to particular women…

…especailly when they obviously KNOW they are the bad ones and whom to respect!

I eventually worked it out – the rational was “how can I get my own way” … whether my AC did this intentionally or not is something I never worked out – sometimes yes, but sometimes I think not.

I started to see them as having a processor between any input and their reaction. Whereas your and my processor might analyse what someone has said to us and work out how we feel about it in relation to our values, beliefs etc … the AC’s processor has only one rule “what reaction should I issue to get the result I want” …

So if they cry it’s because they belief crying is the reaction with the best chance of getting what they want ..

Of course crying is a pretty big reaction (esp for men perhaps) so it only comes out as the preferred choice when nothing else will work (except perhaps getting angry) …

When their processor chooses crying .. it’s choosing it because it hopes it will stop you pursuing your line of enquiry any further .. once that is done their processor will choose another reaction (such as expressing love) to try and tie you in … once that is done they will choose another action (such as asking you to commit to something in the future) to tie you in even further …

Once they’ve done that they feel secure, have got you as their fall guy/girl and are free to then focus their minds/attention on other areas of their life – they have achieved what they wanted with you.

Imho this is why the hot and cold comes in … hot is when their processor says they need to exhibt a reaction/do something to get what they want … cold is when their processor says no action is needed.

Does this make any sense to anyone/match anyone’s experiences????

Only the small pangs of our past make me want to try…but I have learned the pattern goes the same. He cries and begs, I return. It’s time to stop the pattern – which is difficult because we have a child together.

I don’t know what to believe, especially because I’m starting to feel like the bad guy for not wanting to make our marriage work after multiple infidelities.
.-= StudentMama´s last blog .."You are a selfish, heartless person" =-.

Thank you so much for this this article.

I had those crocodile tears with sobbing and right after a disappearing act….

Thanks to that post!!!!