He came on strong…wanted to run off and get married the first month, but I just now realize how strong my intuition is, because I never really “fell” in love with him. And in the end I could hardly get him to plan a date let alone help me fix stuff, like he did in the beginning. We even ate dutch 98% of the 3 years we dated…oh, and when we went grocery shopping (we didn’t live together) I picked up the tab and then went home and cooked dinner for us, while he played the guitar. Once I stepped aside at the cash register to let him pay, and that turned into an ugly fight. I was evidently the rude one for doing that. And in the end he broke up with me when I told him he couldn’t talk to me like I was a moron anymore. And wouldn’t you know? He ended up calling weekly wanting “to be friends”. It didn’t confuse me, I just thought he was pathetic. Turned on the tears when I really tried to cut it off. Now I’m truly NC after texting and emailing replies “to respect my wishes and not contact me anymore.” If you keep saying the same thing like a robot then they will get the hint eventually.

OK, so now I want to know WHY are they like this? Maybe I shouldn’t care. I’m really not hung up on this guy, but I think it is just my brain wanting to make sense of it…and I’ve met several guys like this. WHAT explains this epidemic of Mr. Unavailable/AC men? Is there an answer? Is there a psychological label? I think I just feel like if I understood it better I would be better prepared to avoid it.

THANK YOU!!!

The drama with every recalled visit was always along the same lines – oh, I`m knackered, they sent me even there and there and I couldn`t get back homer earlier than at 10/11/12pm/1am, I almost died on the way as I was falling asleep behind the wheel… The b****s changed my jobs so I`m not coming your way tonight…but they may send me over next week… I pulled a muscle in my back, I cannot move, I`m dying, I may need even more painkillers….I had a chestinfection and was not sure if I didn`t need to go to hospital for an injection….the phone broke down… etc etc. You just would not believe how much drama can be built around “I could come to see you if I really wanted to but I couldn`t be bothered to make time for you”.

Just to explain that this guy was blowing very hot air for the whole year, even behaving like he meant it (it was a long-distance as we could not move together immediately due to him losing job at the time we met and me not being able to move over abroad so easily) and proposing me constantly through SMS and setting up the wedding date even when he knew we could not be together at that time (he didn`t have b*lls to propose me in the face although I told him that i wanted to hear it), wanting a kid ASAP (as his biological clock was ticking and thought playing with his sister`s kids was fun), telling that he was updating his own house for us, how we would have a good life together, how nothing meant much to him when I wasn`t there, yet he never moved a finger for us to be together and in the end when I turned my own life upside down for him and moved over (and even got a very well paid and secure job reasonably close to him) he stayed cosy with his mummy and sis and when confronted (after almost 3 years of me living in his country alone and 4 years since we met) with moving together he froze me with “you don`t like it here anyway, how permant is your permant job and you don`t like driving, you`re a city girl you wouldn`t like living in the country etc etc”. He minimised our contact to coming over once or twice in a month or a month and a half for a half day, replying to texts sporadically and exceptionally answering my calls or making a phone call himself, critisising me permanently for not dancing around when he threw me some crumbs.

I am very really grateful for this web and the book as it virtually saved my life and my confidence – thank you !

Looking back on it now, from the perspective of almost 9 months of NC, I cannot believe I fell for it as hard as I did. When I finally had enough and told him what I thought, and he had to save face by telling ME off, he said..” I need to find out why I always get women looking for a fixer upper.”

And while that statement is likely entirely accurate from his perspective, he was unable to see that the reason is because he presents himself as a little lost boy, looking for sympathy, looking for comfort , all the while crying what really are crocodile tears. It took me the longest time to realize that my uneasiness in the whole relationship came from the fact that the little boy brought out my mothering instincts. I am not looking for any more kids to mother and his little game of poor me also made me a bit suspicious all along.

From reading this site I came to realize that I am not the only older, perceptive, relatively intelligent woman who fell for this boy/man crap. And while there sadly is some truth to the tears, the guys are not aware of that sadness; there is much more that is just plain fake about these guys. For me it was so hard to fathom someone could indulge in such a level of BS self pity/ croc tears that really was not warranted.

Don’t ever fall for the croc tears/ whinin boy stuff, just don’t. Real friendship and love is not manipulative like this; it is solid and strong, like a rock. And while I cannot deny that I wished the AC was capable of that solidity with me, the fact is he was not. That realization was the point where I had to say enough is enough. He can cry those tears as long as he wants, but I cannot be there to dry those fake tears anymore. NC rocks.

He once said “Just tell ‘em what they want to hear” and lots of “Yes Dear “. I realized that’s what he always did with me. Problem is nothing ever really got worked out, problems were still there because they weren’t really being dealt with. For him it’s easier to just go with the flow and it really is a brilliant plan on his part, he makes it look like the woman is really being listened to and she’s really being understood when in reality its ” Waa Waa Waa”.

He’s moved on to someone else and fortunately for me but unfortunately for her “He’s her problem now”.

I just focused on the good parts and ignored the bad. I’d never been in this kind of relationship before but looking back I was far more accommodating than I should have been, doing more of the giving and trusting because we were in a serious relationship and because I proved that I was trustworthy I expected that’s the way he would be.

Why didn’t I realise that you judge by their actions to see how much you can trust them. Instead I would let things go and forgive too easy. It has been a tough journey for me but I have ignored the past wake up calls until finally I meet the EUM. Bouncing back to him like a boomerang several times instead of waking up to reality.
It is still hard for me because there is part of me that wants to stay friends but I know that doesn’t work so I’m sticking to NC.

Well I understand now and I’m ready to change my past relationship pattern and choose healthy supportive relationships in the future. I just wish it hadn’t taken me all these years to spot a healthy relationship!!