A while back I wrote about Epiphany Relationships - “a relationship that caused you to have a sudden clarity and insight into that particular relationship, yourself, your actions, and potentially all of your relationships. There is a defining moment within this relationship where everything changed for you and suddenly you couldn’t escape the truth and it became life changing.”
You will also experience Epiphany Moments where a huge voice of reason and sanity kicks in and says “What the F************CK are you DOING?!”
It seems only right that I should share mine with you.
When I met the boyf over two years ago, I knew from the outset that I was in the presence of a really great guy. For once I didn’t overthink things, put our names together, agonise over whether he’d call, and all the other crap that I usually did, but I do remember wondering where the catch was, after all, despite all of my new found sense of self, I had been on quite a steep learning curve where I’d dated 2 Mr Unavailable’s, albeit briefly, and then ditched them when I read the very clear signs.
The first time we spent the night together at his place was great and I was totally at ease. The following day I headed back to my place and he went to play golf with his friends. I slept off a bit of a hangover. We agreed to speak in the late afternoon as we were going to a party that night. By 7.30 I’d heard nothing and the Drama Seeker in me spent the next twenty minutes pacing the place, wondering what I had done for him to go off me in less than twelve hours, imagining him and his friends laughing at me at the golf, and raging my way around the flat.
And then when I paused and took a deep breath, it was like I had this sudden moment of clarity and I actually howled with laughter at the ridiculousness of what I had been doing. I stood there and a rational, calm voice that never used to be around was saying “WHAT THE F ARE YOU DOING? Isn’t this guy actually a great guy? Do you really think that he is the type to say one thing and do another? Isn’t there a more logical explanation? Why are you assuming that he has gone off you? Why are you looking for this to go wrong? Do you really believe that this is a guy without integrity?” And then I laughed as it occurred to me that he was asleep!
I took a deep breath, called him and he said “What time is it? is it five o’clock?” he mumbled and then I could hear him jumping up in a panic when he realised the time and he was so apologetic. He’d come home from golf, laid on the couch for what he thought would be an hour in front of the TV before we made our arrangements, and fallen asleep! But if anyone should have apologised it was me because I was guilty of tarring him with the same assclown brush and finding drama where there was none.
And it’s funny – before I got wise about myself, there used to be a more insecure voice full of self-doubt and second guessing that I would hear but since I got real about Mr Unavailable’s and myself, I hear a positive, more rational voice and my thoughts have self-care and sanity behind them!
In the next few months of our relationship, that voice boomed on another couple of occasions and then I made a commitment to zipping it and being drama free and I’ve stuck to it because I knew I was in a good relationship and to introduce unnecessary drama would have been a sabotage to our relationship. We now laugh very fondly about the time I got drunk and did Michael Jackson dancing and I convinced myself that he would hate me having fun…because well all my other boyfriends had….
Your thoughts?
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About the Author:
Natalie Lue is the founder and writer of Baggage Reclaim and author of the books Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship and more. Learn more about her here and you can also follow her on Facebook and Twitter - @baggagereclaim .
Natalie (NML) – who has written 1082 posts on Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue.
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NML – I still find myself falling off the band wagon at times. I am doing much better but I still play the reel assclown/drama seeker in my mind. So much of what you said in this post hit home to me. With my situation being long distance there could have been many times my guy was sleeping, etc. Problem is I didn’t believe him half of the time because of the hot/cold thing. I guess a healthy man would not blow hot/cold but isn’t it possible unconscious drama seeking causes men to run cold & withdrawal? How do you REALLY know if you have a great guy on your hands & that ur drama seeking didn’t scared him off?
I’m also a confused about a section in yourbook that talks about EUM’s finding the “right” woman & “timing is a bitch”. If EUM’S are like that before, during & after the reationship does that mean that they “change” for the right woman? My guy ended the relationship saying “He didn’t think he could have a long lasting relationship with me”. He had already met someone else local & I have no doubt he is an EUM on some level but if ambiguity is an issue with these guys why was he so willing to make it so “final” with me?
The key is whether your fears had nothing to back them up, or something to exasperate them. The thing you always have to ask is: is what I am imagining him doing in line with his behaviour? It would have been totally out of character for my boyfriend – he had never behaved in this way, he’s a man of integrity, and the reality was that there was absolutely no legitimate reason for our relationship to have suddenly changed. In my heart of hearts, when I paused and got past the drama, I knew that my imaginings were just that and a projection of past experiences.
Now I have had moments like this before with Mr Unavailable’s but the moment of clarity then was that I would realise that it was “Here we go again time”.
You are trying to rationalise the unrational. Whilst many of his actions can be explained as they fall into the core pattern of behaviour, if Mr Unavailable has the option of easy access to a woman down the road, or more hard labour with a woman who is long distance who is questioning his dodgy relationship behaviour, which do you think he is going to choose? “Right” with Mr Unavailable means different things to “normal” peoples version of right – she may ask less questions, be more compliant, have less expectations, or turn a blind eye. She may be the perfect beard for giving the semblance of being a totally normal guy. The point is that you will never have all the answers – even if you sat him down tomorrow and asked him to explain everything, you’d probably walk away with even MORE questions! Some do change and something pretty catostrophic has to happen to your typical habitual Mr Unavailable. Unless they were temporarily emotionally unavailable as a natural reflex to a break up, it is unlikely that he has suddenly changed. They’re just very good at morphing to suit the agenda.
Re the finality, you actually don’t know that it’s final until a significant period of time has passed, but if it is, then you’ve been let off lightly. At the end of the day, they have their tipping point – if they know that their chips are down and they either have to put up and match their actions with their words, or get the hell out, they’ll get out of the relationship…and always find a reason to blame you. He has lied, cheated, deceived and all sorts – I think it’s unlikely that he has turned into The Ideal Man!
your post was so good to read. it is a reminder for myself. tyou.