My Own Worst Nightmare
September 12, 2006 by NYM
For years I’ve hypothesized that one of the main reasons that male/female relationships are so difficult is not because men are from Mars and women are from Venus, but because men are emotionally crippled. I haven’t blamed men. I’ve blamed society. There is this macho-male ideal and boys have to be brought up to be macho men. Which means they need to be strong, not weak. There fore they are taught, from a very young age, that they must not show weakness. Any impulse they have to show fear or sadness, or any emotion that would make them seem less than completely brave and in control must be stopped. These weak emotions must be eradicated, hidden, squelched. However, they are not discouraged to show joy (as long as they celebrate in a manly way), anger, consternation, or any of the “manly” emotions.
The funny thing about emotions is that they have a life of their own. Once an emotion is produced, it is compelled to show itself. Even if it has to change shape or function, it want to make itself known. Therefore, I believe that many men channel their fear and sadness into other emotions such as anger, or they channel their fear and sadness into other things such as alcoholism or workaholism to name a few.
So here I am with this nice, neat explanation about everything that’s wrong between the sexes. It’s the way we’re raising boys. Then I went to stay with my family for five days and made the startling realization that I am an emotion cripple. YIKES! Yes, it’s not just the boys in our lives. Some of us women (me) are also channeling our weaker and sappier emotions.
I’m not quite sure when this started, but I remember not wanting to cry in front of people at a very early age. Not sure how it came about, but I’m assuming it has something to do with my family. I was always a deeply sensitive individual and for as long as I can remember I’ve striven to hide my true feelings. As I review my life, I do know that my efforts to hide and to divert my emotions have increased over the years and have culminated into what I now refer as the Ice Queen image.
Hiding my fear and sadness and even sometimes joy from others is now only the beginning. Not only do I not want people to witness my emotions from a fear of their reaction and a fear of them knowing what’s truly inside of me, but I also do not feel comfortable witnessing other people’s emotions. When there is an uncomfortable moment and someone is frightened or sad, I either have to walk away or diffuse the situation with humor or sarcasm. And I, the woman who’s ridiculed the male inability to show emotion other than anger, have also become intolerant of any other forms of male emotion. I’m the first one to belittle a man who cries.
Yikes. Looks like I’ve got to take a better look at myself before I continue to ridicule and criticize others.
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So harsh.
I agree that boys are brought up to be warriors, even though we seldom think (in the US) that we expect our children to be the next generation army to provide security and whup on our enemies. Not very many will heed that call.
One problem with that rationale is that adults should be expected to recognize the character of the society they live in, and adapt. This is a mature thing to do, male or female. None of us had ‘fully experienced’ parents, nor were our parents ‘certified’ and trained to raise well adjusted children and produce well adjusted young adults. But we are responsible for recognizing when we make social and interpersonal mistakes, and correcting the mistakes.
A second fault with the ‘boys need to be warriors’ rationale is that Americans, via the ‘Summer of Love’ and the war protests of the ’60’s and since, have devalued the respectability of the military. (How can we expect a first class army if first class citizens refuse to serve? Don’t worry, if we don’t attack anyone, no one will attack us. Oops, that didn’t work out real well, did it?) We still seem to value the heroic icons — the self-contained, emotion-suppressed man capable of overcoming terrible enemies and obstacles. But we forget about the basics of making a soldier — mental and physical discipline, respect for authority and for others, integrity and honor. And loyalty. I don’t find the elusive ‘Esprit De Corp’ that difficult to define. It amounts to about the same personal connection as man for beloved wife — deep, personal attachment, bonding, devotion, and loyalty.
So while we should be doing better to raise our boys and girls, we should also hold them accountable for who and what they are. They have had a life time to smooth out rough edges and fix problems.
And now you happened to unhappily notice that this isn’t a stereotypical gender-based social fault, but a nearly universal aspect of wisdom and maturity — you will continue to recognize problems in your life, and start solving them.
Enjoy!
Brad K.
Hey! Could you please pass me my emotional crutches?
Wait! I don’t need anyone. I can get them myself.
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