Comments on: Myth: There Are No Good Men to Date (Especially when online dating) Part 2

By: NML

NML — Wed, 07 Apr 2010 08:49:01 +0000

Amen! What a *brilliant* story – thank you!

By: NML

NML — Wed, 07 Apr 2010 08:47:22 +0000

I love your comments Kay. I’m going to suggest what I said to one of my mum’s friends after a number of dating disasters – stop looking for spark, start looking for substance and being treated well and the rest will follow. ‘Spark’ is actually another term for fireworks, passion, chemistry, attraction – all things that people who end up with dubious partners look for from the outset. Even though they end up with a load of headache because the person creates ‘spark’ because it caters to their dysfucntion, they stay because there is spark, but often for the wrong reasons. Genuine relationships, with the ability to last and grow into something of substance with love, care, trust, and respect, which also includes passion and feeling attracted to one another, need a hell of a lot more than spark. People who focus on chemistry, passion, chemistry, attraction, and spark find that the relationship doesn’t build and expect instant results and instant gratification. People who take the other route and let things build up and grow, discover substance that feels very attractive and creates genuine attraction on healthy principles.

By: NML

NML — Wed, 07 Apr 2010 08:41:16 +0000

Good for you Res!

By: NML

NML — Wed, 07 Apr 2010 08:40:56 +0000

Thanks for making me giggle! Yes, their are a lot of emotionally unavailable men online (and off). Online dating allows for distance and creating a persona that would not happen in the real world.

By: NML

NML — Wed, 07 Apr 2010 08:39:11 +0000

What you said about the job market and dating is very accurate. Also people don’t like confrontation or having to break up with someone who they don’t feel that they are in a relationship with. I don’t doubt that these women are “the kindest, generous, most compassionate women [you] have had the honor to know” but as many women can attest to, those qualities don’t always play out so well, if you’re too kind, an overgiver, and too compassionate. Even if you’re not the latter, how we see friends and who they are in relationships are often two different things, plus there is more to relationships than these three qualities. All we can ever speak for is our own experience.

By: NML

NML — Wed, 07 Apr 2010 08:35:20 +0000

Online dating, whilst it can be helpful, has created a perception of instant results, instant gratification, a neverending supply, and an inaccurate perception of compatibility and common interests. Unless you have incredibly good love habits and strong sense of awareness, that shopping list of requirements and your profile, just let’s you go out and look for more people, more problems. Looking for love is hard work. When I looked for it, I came up against problem after problem. When I let things be, I met someone. When I did, it was at a time when I genuinely felt that I would rather be on my own than be with someone that detracted from me. I realised I could be happy with or without a man because I had my own life not built around finding men or being with one.

By: NML

NML — Wed, 07 Apr 2010 08:31:27 +0000

Good to hear from you Butterfly. It’s taken me about 2 weeks to get caught up to this point with comments. Great to hear that you’ve met someone and that you’ve also let go of the anger The key is giving it time instead of expecting instant fireworks and gratification. Thanks for sharing.

By: NML

NML — Wed, 07 Apr 2010 08:11:17 +0000

If you have a ‘type’, I’d be very worried. You’ll find the great majority of people who have a type and are not with that ‘type’ – it’s a toxic type. Online dating in itself means that you are opening yourself up to going on more first dates that don’t progress. Not everyone on dating sites is looking for love or a relationship – even if they say they are, they do so because they probably get a better quality of ‘candidate’ by saying they’re looking for a relationship. Also it’s good to check that you’re actually going out with these guys because you’re genuinely interested and open to the possibilities, as opposed to playing The Polar Opposites Game and ‘experimenting’ and dating down. People (both male and female) can sense when you’re dating them as a settling option.

By: NML

NML — Wed, 07 Apr 2010 08:06:57 +0000

Yep, it really is possible. Most of my aunts who have had their share of man trouble, met their guys in their 40s and 50s.

By: NML

NML — Wed, 07 Apr 2010 08:05:39 +0000

Ah, that made me smile! Glad you’re enjoying life whilst letting it be x

By: NML

NML — Wed, 07 Apr 2010 08:03:38 +0000

I hear stories like this all the time. Thanks for sharing.

By: NML

NML — Tue, 06 Apr 2010 09:39:18 +0000

Hi Danielle. You know when you’re in a fast moving car – you don’t see what’s going on around you. You can’t take in the view. It may feel exciting, but it always has to slow down, and when it does, you might not like what you see. You make things go really fast because you’re looking for validation, big displays, and probably get off on the thrill of the chase. Instant gratification suggests being prepared to get caught up in illusions rather than build up to medium to long term happiness. You think the reward outweighs the risk. You’re looking for validation – get to the root of why you want validation and force yourself to slow down so that you can 1) get to know the real person and 2) recognise whether this is actually a person and relationship that you want. Read http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/seeking-validation-understanding-in-your-poor-relationships-part-one/ and http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/trading-on-your-looks-sex-appeal/ and http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/dating-when-youre-lonely-or-feel-time-is-running-out/ and http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/knowing-if-you-feel-good-in-new-relationships-part-one/

By: NML

NML — Tue, 06 Apr 2010 09:18:06 +0000

Michelle, I beg you to keep breaking out of the box, to chase substance, and avoid the shallow Keep the faith !

By: NML

NML — Tue, 06 Apr 2010 09:17:17 +0000

Brilliant comment – very happy for you! Love the last line

By: NML

NML — Tue, 06 Apr 2010 09:14:44 +0000

30+ – God there are plenty! I suggest you branch out from your circle of single friends. It doesn’t mean don’t be their friends – it means broaden your horizons because our beliefs are reflected around us. It’s easy to believe there are no men to date when you hang around with a load of singles saying the same thing.