New book Coming Soon: Get Over Him: How to Lose an Assclown…
Over the past few months I released a series of ebooks that focused on emotionally unavailable men and the women that love them - Mr Unavailable and The Fallback Girl. There’s still much ground to cover there but I have also realised that there is a whole lotta ground to cover still.
Ladies, you need to get clued up about assclowns which is any man that displays consistent behaviour that demonstrates that he means you no good and is no good for you and you need to learn how to break up and stop wasting away your lives pining for jackasses who are getting on with their own lives whilst messing up yours.
‘Get Over Him: How To Lose An Assclown…’ (I am still contemplating calling it How To Lose An Assclown in 90 days) is about getting hardcore about these men with a no BS guide to cutting the relationship umbilical cord. These men add little or no value to your life, deplete your self-esteem, often rob your best years (or you willingly hand them to them on a plate), and you’ll often rely on a few (meaningless) good points to keep you emotionally invested in the relationship.
Do you realise, that if you don’t break the emotional tie with these clowns that even if you start dating other guys, it’s like you’re still in a relationship with him? Don’t give him that kind of power!
Assclowns come in many shapes, sizes, and guises and cover bad boys, habitually emotionally unavailable men (Mr Unavailable’s), Playa Players, Game Players, and many more and the women who get involved with them feel like they’re addicted to a drug.
Well ladies, welcome to rehab. This is about breaking up, staying broken up, healing, and moving on.
Breaking up is clearly hard to do and the problem with assclowns is they seem to like to have the last word and the last move, meaning that No Contact is often a struggle unless you are equipped with managing this rather large change in your life.
And this does seem to be the problem - You know he’s an assclown but your life feels so empty without the drama, the calls, and the uncertainty of what lies in store for you and whether you’ll ever hear from him again or even whether he’ll come crawling back on his knees. Many of you understand the principles of No Contact, you just don’t understand the change. You understand what a break up is, you just spend too much time trying to avoid making things final.
But I’m going to remove your excuses, give you back your power and sense of self, and help you lose this assclown.
So of course I am looking for reader stories, comments (mind you I have plenty of material) and any questions you would like answered in the book. As it is not going to be as big (in size) as Mr Unavailable and The Fallback Girl and I’m not under restrictions (long story but I am trying to get it published you see), Get Over Him: How to lose an assclown… will be available as paperback. Yay!
When is out? I’ll say the 27th October to be on the safe side.
And there are more books to follow so stay tuned!
Also, after talking about it for a while, I have decided that it’s a good time to start holding Mr Unavailable/Assclown seminars. This will be an opportunity to have an empowering discussion about emotionally unavailable men, self-esteem, and positive change, but also an opportunity to ask questions face to face and meet other women in your situation. I will be setting up an email list so that you can let me know where you are based and your nearest big city, but in the meantime, if you’d like to get ahead and be on the list for when I announce, please email nml at baggagereclaim.co.uk (don’t forget the @ sign). Also if you know of a good venue if your big city, please advise!
Your thoughts?
If you want to understand why you’re attracted to Mr Unavailable’s, check out my new ebook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download.
Loving Annie September 22nd, 2008, 5:47 pm
NML,
Fabulous news ! The more you write, the more it sticks in my head. You manage to take ALL the wiggle room out of the excuses I’d made for him, and that is VERY helpful. It’s actually what MAKES the change so possible.
I’d love it if you would cover :
1) Will he be the guy I wanted him to be with another woman ?
2) Was he EVER a good guy or why was I fooled into thinking he was ?
3) Is he only a EUM because he doesn’t really feel ‘it’ for me ?
4) Am I refusing to admit he’s a EUM because I’m stubborn and don’t want to admit I made a mistake in choosing him ?
5) Is my refusal/inability to move on a sign of sensitivity/grief/devotion or an unwillingness to commit to myself and my own life/happiness ?
6
Loving Annie September 22nd, 2008, 6:01 pm
6) Why didn’t he love ME ? Was he healthy in his past with other women ? can he say he loved someone but have put her through hell and not be telling the truth ?
7) does he treat HER great and was it just me that got treated like dirt ?
9) Why is it so hard to see him for who he really is and let go for once and for all and be glad he’s not in my life ?
10) Does being a fallback woman actually protect me from getting healthy myself and focusing on my own issues - instead of dwelling on him ?
11) What is the drama payoff I get for contuing to be in denial and be a fallback woman ? Does this mean I deserve an assclown because I’m unwilling to face the truth and see things clearly instead of living in fantasy ?
I know you have answered some of these before, I just love all the detail you go into. I thinkl I need your books tattooed on my brain
Astelle September 22nd, 2008, 6:51 pm
NML, I think it should be How to lose an Assclown in 30 days instead of 90.
90 is too long in my opinion, to olong for the fallback girl to change her mind or come up with more excuses to hang on!
myalmostlover September 22nd, 2008, 7:09 pm
Loving Annie….you covered most of what was on my mind.
I’m especially interested in hearing more about how to deal with the “breakup” and NC…because that’s when all the obsessing starts.. That’s the really hard part. Right now, I have a date on Wed and all I can think about is Mr. EUM and what he’s doing and if he’s with the woman he cheated on me with. It keeps me stuck. If you could cover this NML, it would really help. In other words how to really let go. As it stands I say I let go, act like I’m letting go but in reality I think about him all the time.
Another point….sometimes people are connected not just at work but on the Internet. We may be on the same websites as our EUM or have the same friends. How do you deal with that.? Then you can see what your ex EUM is doing online and that can be hurtful. How to deal with that? The virtual world has made breaking up a lot harder.
Bonnie September 22nd, 2008, 7:40 pm
I love all the questions that Loving Annie asks! I’m new to this site - I just found it on Friday and it’s seems tailor-made just for me! I printed out all the recent posts and their comments and read them all weekend. It has helped me so much!!!!
I am with a man who I now know (from this website) to be an EUM. I have been so unhappy but can’t seem to break the addiction! I’ve tried ending it by texting him (the only way he will communicate!) and he ignored it. I tried threatening to end it on Fri night but of course heard nothing from him all w/e.
I think I am ready to start NC but deep down inside I really want to see what will happen when I don’t respond to him at all…
Any advice?
Astelle September 22nd, 2008, 7:59 pm
Bonnie, you have to read NML’s book, Mr. Unavailable and the Fallbackgirl!!
You can’t threaten an EUM to break it off - he doesn’t care, what response did you expect from your text? And why do you think he hasn’t responded?
You need to cut the contact if you want to move on. If you want to know what will happen after you don’t respond, read NML’s posts, there are tons of story of what they will do and if you want to know what your EUM will do, then you have to play HIS game a little bit longer and I hope you won’t. The outcome will always be the same: back and forth, back and forth.
Keep reading and I hope you find the courage to cut Contact!!
Bonnie September 22nd, 2008, 8:24 pm
Thanks Astelle. I really want to read the book but am WAY short of funds right now but will be sure to get it next week when payday rolls around again.
In the meantime, are there any specific posts you can refer me to?
BTW I’ve only been with him 7 months but he disappeared twice during that time! I am in therapy but NML’s comments seem to be directed right to me and have helped me so much. I know I need to do some work on myself first so I can stop having these types of relationships! This man isn’t the first but it is the first time I can put a name to these types of men. I can’t believe how my EUMs actions seem so similar to everyone else on this site!
steph September 22nd, 2008, 8:38 pm
my big question is once you’ve established no contact, done some self-work and started dating again….is it possible to feel that “zing” for someone that is good for you?
i am in this situation now and i am honestly confused. this new guy is great….and i feel absolutely no chemistry with him. is it possible i am so used to feeling the chemistry for ass-clowns that i am “numb” to what the good guys have to offer?
is this a problem for anyone else?
Brad K. September 22nd, 2008, 9:26 pm
Astelle,
I think the ‘90 days’ might be: Day 1: implement the No Contact Rule;
Day 2-90: Deal with the change.
90 days is probably a good start, not the final coda on a bad relationship. Letting go of a serious investment of your heart and sense of self - a serious relationship - takes repetition, creating new expectations and values where the previous ‘wishes’ led to disaster, etc. It all takes time, and repetition. Maybe 50 successful repetitions, once you work out a replacement habit, or goal, or warning flag.
Just guessing, NML!
Alika September 22nd, 2008, 10:18 pm
Brad K,
Totally agree with you, 30 days is not enough…Its took me about 50-60 days to get over of my EUM…
I am looking forward for new book, NML!!! You are spot on again!!!
Tulipa September 23rd, 2008, 12:02 am
It is also about the addiction and acting out your compulsions that you end up ringing end up texting end up contacting basically… I have found I particular struggle on day 7 and day 9… It is about ideas to keep focused to keep away and break what is an addiction because your rational mind tells you that you are with an assclown that he has proven to you over and over again what an EUM he is .. and you know it really is best to keep away to move on to face whatever it is in your life that keeps you acting out irrationally…. I have thought about this a lot and to me it comes back to facing your own life and the problems within. sometimes this seems an unbearable task so you return to what you know … hope I make sense
annied September 23rd, 2008, 12:53 am
Yay NML!! I am sooo excited about this idea of yours. And Loving Annie really hit a lot of my own questions. I have gotten past the 30 day mark of NC … but it is still hard. It comes in waves of strength and weakness. Sometimes I can push questions out of my head and other times they swirl around and make me ill.
Big test for me tomorrow. I am going to have surgery and I pray that my ex EUM does not come into my mind - like he already has! Will he call me? Will he care? Will he continue NC or use this as a reason to contact me?
Will I be strong enough not to contact him? Oh yea. But inside part of me secretly wants him to all of a sudden show some character and concern about ME and not his own selfish self.
sigh, have a ways to go yet.
shootingstar67 September 23rd, 2008, 1:13 am
Loving Anne and a few others said most of it. I really want to know all of that
Also Can you cover some of the things to look forward to during/after no contact…such as changed perceptions about HIM and new strength within yourself?
I am starting to see how deceptive Steve is. I used to think he was so honest but now I realize he is not.
Example:
“I know said I wasn’t going to get back with Valerie…I didn’t know I would!”
I know I just said I would give you a ride to the train station I thought I’d be able too..sorry sweetie, something came up and I can’t get away”
It was after the train incident today that I realized he is such a lyer. His word means nothing. He can go back on it in a heartbeat ..and at his convenience.
I haven’t done no contact yet. I have a set date. There IS benefit to setting a date and not doing no contact right away(if circumstances dictate it) because it gives you an opportunity to observe the assclowns behavior with you.
lisaq September 23rd, 2008, 1:50 am
Yay!!! I’d love to do a review for you. Email me!
Bonnie September 23rd, 2008, 4:20 pm
*Sigh* I’m in the same boat ladies. Rationally when I think about how little time my EUM has spent with me during the last 7 months we’ve been together, it is just pitiful! There was always some excuse why we could not be together. And when we were together, he always had to leave early to go somewhere else. There have been many times when my “gut” was telling me something is not right, but I would just ignore it. Last Fri night I “drunk texted” him (NEVER a good idea!) and said I’m sick of not spending any time together and if he doesn’t come over soon it’s over. I know it sounds pretty lame and of course, there is not a word from him. I know this should be a clear signal to me that he doesn’t care but the little voice inside of me is saying “maybe I made him mad and that’s why he isn’t calling”…
Loving Annie September 23rd, 2008, 5:36 pm
AND MAYBE THE VERY MOST IMOIRTANT QUESTION OF ALL FOR YOU TO ANSWER PLEASE, NML :
I can do and have done ‘no contact’ for 30-60-90 days, sometimes even 6 months or a year. But I keep thinking about him, missing him, yearning overt him, beating myself up, etc., etc, obsessing, staying stuck.
So I know how to physically let go when I have to. But how in the world do I emotionally let go to really cut that connection in my head and have no more interest in him and not waste another minute of my life focused on him where he won’t leave my heart - even though he’s left my life long long ago ?
IF YOU CAN FIX THAT LITTLE SCREWED UP PART OF MY BRAIN/HABIT PATTERNS/ADDICITION TO BEING UNLOVED, THAT’S WHAT I NEED TO CHANGE MY INSIDES AND STAY CHANGED TO BE HEALTHY/HAVE SELF-ESTEEM FOR EVER MORE…
Kim2 September 23rd, 2008, 6:59 pm
What do I do when my deepest fear is that I’m not good enough?? That maybe I’m boring or have bad breath or am actually ugly and I don’t even know it…?
It is all about self-esteem. A woman with confidence and self-assure would never put up with an assclown, right? So to see the EUM being nice to the new woman and paying attention to her makes me feel even worse. Any suggestions on how to deal with that would be great.
Thanks NML.
myalmostlover September 24th, 2008, 2:52 am
“So I know how to physically let go when I have to. But how in the world do I emotionally let go to really cut that connection in my head and have no more interest in him and not waste another minute of my life focused on him where he won’t leave my heart - even though he’s left my life long long ago ?”
Loving Annie…..the above paragraph describes exactly what I was trying to say. The physically letting go is the easy part, it’s the mental gymnastics that can make a person batty. The tapes that roll around and around in our heads…why do I still love him, obsess over him, long for him..etc…is what keeps us stuck, long after the relationship is over. That’s the part we all struggle with I think. It’s really a form of grief. We are grieving over something we lost and will never have again. I guess the only answer is that time heals all wounds. The thing is, how long??
Kendra September 24th, 2008, 4:03 pm
Brad K good to see you’re back, I havent seen your posts in some time.
A little update: I mustve woke him up from the dead. (Havent ran into him in close to 2months) I ran into him this morning-we were the only 2 on the elevator. I had my ipod on. And he was talking to me-so I take it off. He goes to give me a kiss I give him my cheek so we peck on the cheek. He then stands right in front of me and stares @ me from head to toe. I looked amazing he on the other hand looked downright TIRED (lack of sleep tired)!!! He also was very much in need of a haircut and he was juggling his newspaper and coffee in one hand. He looked very much unorganized-maybe I caught him off guard. He was wearing his suit but no tie..
Funny how when I was with him I overlooked all this and thought he was downright HOT! Anyway he says “Im going to call you later I want to see you tonite ” (or smthng along those lines). I think he gets nervous around me and doesn’t know what to say so those are the first things that come to mind to say. Or it could be the line he uses on all his women-who knows. He then says “let me see your hand are you engaged yet”? All this time Im not saying much-I just have a polite smile on my face. He on the other hand has this smug smile like he always does. When he asked me the engagement question I
just had on a smirk and put my left hand in my pocket. He then says “You’re still playing games Kendra I can see it in your eyes”. Implying im still serially dating a lot of men. (which im NOT) Again I just have on a smirk on my face and look straight..his floor comes and he gets off he then turns around and gives me a lusty stare, I stare right back and say “Have a great day ”. Elevator door closes. That one sentence was the most I said to him the whole elevator ride. No calls, no texts YET. Apart of me wanted to txt him and say “you look tired:” but that will open communication. How do you think I handled it??? What do you think will happen next??? I feel good. Im completely immune to him…
Carm September 24th, 2008, 8:53 pm
Kendra,
From your description with your interaction with your ex EU; he REALLY comes across as such an arrogant, presumptuous, cocky guy. The way you described him looking you up and down is so rude, and although I am sure you looked fantastic, you should not take it as a compliment. He sounds totally objectifying and I would not be surprised if he pulls these lines and “smooth” moves with many other women. He sounds unbelievably patronizing and slimy based on this post and I think you posted about him before. He is the one still playing games. I would steer clear and do not open communication with him. The best slap in the face to these kind of guys is No Response Whatsoever. Nothing good can come of any contact. You do say you are immune to him, but be careful…
Tulipa September 24th, 2008, 11:24 pm
Hi Kendra, Don’t open the door of communication with a text so what if he looks tierd do you really want to know why.. what if he says its from all the hot sex he had last night… do you want to know what he’s up to?? or are you really immune to him and can just carry on as you have been doing ??? I agree with Carm he just sounds sleazy and arrogant that he can have what he wants.
FinallyOverIt September 24th, 2008, 11:40 pm
Kendra, when he asked you to see him later that night, I would have said a very clear “NO THANKS.” He does sound like a jerk.
Astelle September 25th, 2008, 4:01 am
Kendra, you asked how you handled it? A kiss on the cheek, I will call you later,
bla, bla, bla, bla, you are playing his game, you are not immune to him, a blind person can see that. So, he may try harder by calling or txt or which ever way and you will eventually see him. Reason I am saying this is: a kiss on the cheek - you let him come close enough to do that. “I will call you later: and your response should have been: Don’t bother. You are still so involved with this man, you can’t see it, but I can. Please take that smirk off your face, because you are hurting yourself - after that elevator ride you were on cloud 9. How do I know that?
Been there, done that. You can’t “win” with these type of man - so, walk away or play his game - your choice. You know from history how things play out, right?
Protect yourself from him - no, a smirk on your face didn’t tell him anything…
Sorry, I don’t want to sound harsh, but please don’t fool yourself. I can feel he got your hopes up after this elevator ride, if not, you would have not asked: How did I handled it? You don’t need a pat on your back for handling “it” right, you need to walk away and not worry what his next move will be.
myalmostlover September 25th, 2008, 8:11 am
Kendra….He sounds so arrogant. These men get off on having their harem chasing them, wanting them. It’s how they get their ego strokes. I know how hard it would have been to stay aloof but the more you engage with him the longer it will take to let go. Believe me, been there, doing that. Day 10 NC…AGAIN, I don’t want to be repeating this the rest of my life. The best thing we can do for ourselves is to move on and find someone who truly appreciates a fine woman.
Brad K. September 25th, 2008, 8:33 am
Kendra, Wow - seems like there is some discussion about what ‘immune’ means.
I don’t think the goal is to be ‘immune’. I think the goal is to be a bit afraid - of letting the barriers of NCR slip. What you want is to always keep your ‘goodbye’ a clear, current, and simple message, one that cannot be interpreted as anything but ‘nothing there for him’. No flirting with the ex, no subtle connections, no intimate smiles or kisses. I would keep polite conversation limited to ‘No.” If you have to deal with the ex in the course of your work, keep it professional - as if your boss were irked and waiting for you in a meeting with a new client.
The concern for you that I see in all these responses, is that you are still willing to associate with this *type* of guy - we are afraid that your next guy will be this one re-done, same problems, same disrespect. It isn’t enough to have a life after this guy is gone, what we all wish for you is that you choose a better kind of guy next time, that you run away from the red flags rather than toy with them, that you could not again accept someone like the ex in your life.
Blessed be.
Cynnie September 25th, 2008, 1:30 pm
Hi Bonnie
Your post struck a nerve with me as I experienced the same things you wrote about. I used to feel really hurt that my Mr. EUM would say how much he missed me and loved me and not back it up with believeable beahviours. How could he miss me and not make plans to see me? How could he love me yet repeatedly do things to hurt me? The answer was in my face all along - he doesn’t love me. And deep down inside, you know that your EUM doesn’t care about you either.
I used to think that maybe my EUM was just shy and with a little love and patience, I could coax him out of his emotional shell. Waste of time. What really made me decide to throw in the towel on this dude was when I focused on the factual aspects of our “relationship,” no feelings permitted. This is what I saw:
*He called me on average every 3 days when we were “good.” (In the begining it was twice a day)
*We spent more time arguing than anything else, usually because I dared to discuss “us”, try to make plans to go out or worst, make plans for our future. Why couldn’t I understand that he was “busy”? Why couldn’t I accept that he couldn’t spend time with me or call me?
*In fact, he was soooooo busy that I saw him approximately 5 times in 16 weeks - and for about 2 hours.
*That in 1 year together, we never went anywhere except for the first few weeks. (bars, meeting his family, dinner)
*That he has never surprised me or made plans with me
*That he never had any money to do things with/for me (Amazing, he found money to learn how to fly!)
Those were my facts. During our time together I would get angry, he would say sorry, we would have sex and back to square one. In the final stages, we stopped being intimate but I continued to press him for information: the why’s, what if’s and how come’s. Another waste of time.
Would you believe that even though the experienced ladies on this site warned me to stay away from him I didn’t? I was on NC when he texted me. Four days I responded to his “I love you text” because I was angry (and hopeful) and wanted to confront him about his nasty attitude. Back and forth texts & he never responded to my concerns. But he did agree to meet with me. I knew he wasn’t going to show up and he didn’t prove me wrong. I instant messaged him a piece of mind and that was that.
Then the real reflection began and I started NC again (10 days). It was then that I realised that he was doing NC all along and I would be pressing him to spend time with me. Well no more.
I changed my phone carrier so that I could block him and I recently changed jobs. So the only way he can contact me is by going to my house, and my family has been given strict instructions NOT to let him in. It’s only been 10 days of NC, but I feel so much better and relieved. I no longer jump when the phone rings or check my phone incessantly. I no longer go over in my mind what to say if he calls/text because I blocked him.
Bonnie, run a mile in the other direction from your dude. I wish I had come to my senses earlier. If you have to beg, plead, threaten, coax, encourage or demand to see your partner it isn’t worth it. Listen to your gut and ignore this dude. Close your ears and open your eyes.
Will keep you posted on my progress and I wish you well.
Kendra September 25th, 2008, 2:42 pm
Ladies and Brad K thanks for the positive if not harsh feedback. Im a big girl from NYC I can handle it :). You are all right.
Within hours of the elevator ride I rcvd a phone call from him @ my office. He wanted to see me later on in the evening-not surprised he always does that.
I ended the conversation and said “I have to get back to work” . He was hellbent on getting a yes or no answer from me-I hung up on him.
Later in the evening I got a txt from him saying “I need to see you tonite”. I responded and said “get some real sleep tonite-gnite”. It was left @ that-no response from him-no need to.
Sooooooooo this morning I get on the elevator again and it stops on his floor and he’s waiting on his floor to take the elevator down (I was going up).
He looks @ me and then looks away then looks back and stares @ me,smiles then waved-elevator door closes.
This all leaves me to where am I now (this happened literally 20mins ago). We all have different views in how we choose to use NC. NC for me means
staying away from him on an emotional/physical,intimate level. I work with him so complete NC is not happening. I have to talk to him, I am going to have run ins with him that’s
the cold hard fact. I am ‘immune’ to him on a intimate,physical level-that addiction is over. Emotionally he still has a little piece of me-I realize that. However if I was so hooked on him as
Astelle you implied I could have very well easily had him last nite and this post im writing today would be totally different. I guess what Im saying is I need to find a happy medium when dealing
with this man bc the truth is as long as we’re both employed here we will have interactions. He’s an arrogant, pompous a**hole, I cant change that and yes as long as he sees me he’s going to
desire me on some level and I cant change that. As long as I steer clear from him on a physical/intimate/friendly level I’ll be fine. Will he call me today/tonite again-perhaps. And when he does I
will continue to turn him down. Thanks for everyones feedback
Brad K. October 4th, 2008, 3:36 pm
Kendra, just practice cool and polite. He can’t be trusted - so don’t trust him. You need to be seen by others and by yourself to be respectful of others, honest, and professional, especially at work.
At this point we don’t care about him. But you have to be business-polite at work, or your coworkes and superiors will have consider you a problem ‘working with others’. You can’t be a whit more intimate than ‘business-polite’ with him, because you don’t want to encourage him or confuse the message. And the message has to be that you don’t find him acceptable. There are dozens of guys that you likely are quite uninterested about what they do after work. The ex became one of those ‘just not interested’ people.
Be very sure that nothing you say or do, your body language or your facial expression, leads him to kiss you at work again. Then report his sexual harassment. In the elevator? You should have been able to move away to avoid the contact - which wouldn’t have been a tacit invitation.
The best revenge is living well. Don’t torment yourself with ‘immune’, just avoid the risk he poses to confuse or hurt you again.