New Year’s Resolution #1: Relationship Revitalisation

January 13, 2006 by Pocahantas

Relationships, the vital stepping-stones on our journeys to self-actualisation, are so often taken for granted. The word ‘relationship’ carries hidden meanings and although most of us associate it with love, feelings, sex, whatever, the truth is that this word carries much more weight than any of us give it credit for. A relationship doesn’t need to be a romantic or familial one to provide us with a sense of love, security, and awareness. There are families, friends, co-workers, employers and employees, activity partners, you name it, and in each of these relationships exists a dynamic—a status quo—that once interrupted may permanently change the nature of the relationship.

Moving as much as I did growing up it became difficult for me to retain friendships and I started to understand and accept as a young child that it’s just not wise to get attached; you just never knew when you would have to leave without saying goodbye. I learned to love and leave quickly and meaninglessly to prevent the obvious consequence of attachment and sadness for loss. I won’t say that this phenomenon caused me great emotional damage, but it did, quite totally retard my emotional education. As a result, one would think it would have caused me to be cold, callous, and unfeeling, moving through life as a virtual loner with no one who really knows me, but in a wicked twist of fate, that I like to call a gift and a curse, it had the opposite effect. As I grew older, relationships started to mean more, and, more than ever I started to value the real friendships that I had.
I’ve had many relationships over the years; friends, loved ones, family members, etc…and the truth is I’ve never really understood how much they shape and mould the person that you are only just beginning to know that you can be. In truth I have had far more acquaintances than friends, but they’re in categories specific to the role that they play in my life, i.e.; card playing partners, going out pals, church group, activity partners…etc…But everyone has that core group, that support system that motivates them, drives them, makes them want to be their best and promises to spot them as they step out on that limb. They can be male or female, but for most women this core group is primarily composed of females (maybe one or two close gay buds too), but this is the group that allows up to be completely and totally ourselves—neurotic, insane, and completely insecure as we are—and encourages us to accept, love, value, and, if necessary, change ourselves. These are the true friends, the ones that don’t mind telling us “about” ourselves so to speak, the ones that will stick by us through thick and thin; love us, fight with us, and fight for us. Not everyone is lucky enough to say that they have or even have had friends like these, but I am not one of these. During the course of my life I have had the privilege of having several fabulous friends, ones who have shaped and made me into the person that I am. I can honestly say that the love and care that went into my relationships with them was as important, or even more important than those in romantic relationships.

When one looks at one’s life and begins to see scary similarities to Bridget Jones’ with the knowledge and acceptance of a “permanent state of spinsterhood”, life somehow becomes much more doable with knowledge that you, at the very least, have friends—to get you drunk and taunt you mercilessly about said state of spinsterhood—but friends nonetheless. When one has assimilated fully into the life of couple-dom; that grey state after years of a relationship or marriage where personalities, character traits, and individuality have been successfully melded—after much arguing—into a uniform, and fairly bland single identity: it is a necessity to have friends who can remind you of who you were before the husband, the children, the mortgage. The creation of priceless memories, that shoulder to lean on in spite of yesterday’s fight, someone to call when you don’t feel like there’s anyone in the world that you want to talk to, but you REALLY need to talk, the comprehension of exactly what you mean when not a word has been spoken; that someone who can listen to you monopolise the entire conversation with circular talk about the same situation about which you refuse to accept advice or criticism—for two and a half hours—without judgment or complaint.

Some people haven’t learnt to appreciate how precious these relationships are; they haven’t yet learnt that the cultivation of these relationships is the essence of life. Romantic relationships come and go, but friends are forever. Most of these friends I still have, and some I’ve lost, but this year I’ve made a commitment to myself and I encourage everyone to do the same, not only to yourself, but to your friends –just keep in touch. Even if it’s just a phone call, a card, and e-card—you’ll never know how much it means to know that someone is thinking about you, praying for you, loving you. Regardless of how long it’s been or why the relationship ended, just reach out, say ‘hi’ you never know how far it can go or how much it can mean.
Pocahantas is a 23 year old fiesty female with loads of common sense and yet an unstintingly healthy dose of cynicism when it comes to men and relationships. She’s currently single and living in the great metropolis of Atlanta, where half the men have lots of drama and the other half are gay. Tune in weekly for her reality check on single living in the great US of A.