I am (in his words) the only girl he ever loved, the only one who can make him laugh, keep up with him intellectually, and connect with him physically etc etc. When I ask him why we can’t be together, he says that he’s too emotionally f***ed up. When I ask him to work on the issues that keep us apart, he replies that it’s too hard.

In spite of his charm, humor and intellect he is lonely and goes on about making connections and meeting people who ‘get’ him, yet he is completely unwilling to do anything to deal with his emotional issues.

It’s been 2.5 years since I has any contact with him (last time was a screaming match when he told me he’d been seeing someone while still being inappropriately intimate with me) and he sends me the occasional text telling me how much he misses me and how he wished I could cope with just a friendship!! I never reply.

I love this analogy from the above list…so true
“If you imagine that emotionally unavailable people and assclowns have a ‘reset button’, you can start to get your head around why they blow hot, why you think things will be different each time, and why the dots in the pattern of behaviour don’t get connected.”

The AC I knew destroyed two marriages, and likely did some damage to two strong, loving women in the process. But I’d bet money that both those women grew from the painful experience, while the AC still accepts no responsibility and blames them.

Really though, he is irrelevant. What matters is that we get out from under the stupid spell of assclownery, stay away from assclownery when we see it again, and learn some valuable things about ourselves from it all.

NC is keeping you safe and helping you heal and someday you will get past it. Many of us are or have been exactly where you are at. You seem to be holding up OK – good for you. Like your friends said you’re the lucky one. They are right!

All three of these lists ring so true. This one above was the hardest to realize. As I was reading it the word “won” jumped out at me….I think it might be a typo, but it actually is very accurate. I have never experienced an relationship where the other person was constantly engaged in a powers struggle/ game and opening up/ getting me to open up is just one card he played. Due to my ignorance I did not even see the battle for the longest time, and certainly did not see that I lost early on, when I gave him my power by ‘confiding’ in him in this way.

Until I started reading this site, I did not get that he had ” won” in the sense that I let myself be trained to accept his AC behavior. Mercifully, NC let me disengage from the unhealthy dance, and let me reclaim my power.

Also on #38..
“I’ve learned that I need to speak directly and firmly with certain people because if I am indirect or vague, they read between the lines and make up their own mind about what I mean.”

This is sort of my MO, except I do it with everybody. Sometimes maybe even to a flaw. It is amazing how often we humans hear what we want to hear. But if I beat around the bush, or even do not take the time to express myself clearly, people rarely understood what I am asking for. The trick to me, as a woman, is how to be a direct and clear without coming off as as a nag or angry b. On a good day I can do it all with humor and grace. On a bad day, I am sure I am considered an agressive woman ( to put it kindly). Oh well.

Number 38!!!!!

It is over a year now since I found your web-site, and a year ago, I didn’t know that I had the strength to go “no contact” and even 6 months ago, I didn’t feel like I’d ever get over the relationship, but with your book and reading your articles, and CHANGING MY OWN BEHAVIOR, I’m now going days and even weeks without really being upset anymore, not thinking about the guy, and I feel healthy and ready to meet someone “normal.” It has been so helpful to learn that there are EUM’s out there. I didn’t even know that was what I was dealing with, and if you don’t know it, you keep trying with them and it is hard to understand why the relationship doesn’t go anywhere. When your book and your posts opened my eyes, I was able to change myself in order to view the men in a different light. It has even helped with my relationship with my ex-husband (and father of the boys). I have tools now in how to understand him and deal with him in a more productive way. Emily, if you’re reading this, keep wishing that you will totally be over him and keep reading everything here, and you will get there.

Thank you!!!!

One thing I don’t quite understand: are most EUM and AC have psychopathic tendencies? My experience with a EUM who is a MM demonstrates the majority of your described character traits. I broke up this relationship a year and a half ago but to be honest, I still miss him. How can a relationship be so destructive? He has moved on with a new woman and just kick me to the curb. On the surface, he is absolutely a honorable man, decent family, good job and also good reputation amongst friends. However, when it comes to relationship, he is such an AC. Uses women to the fullest, target every woman around his social circle, uses pity play, multiple relationships, a womanizer, all of which are what you described as red flags. I know his current woman who is giving him ultimatum to choose between her and his wife. He is giving her false hope that one day he will come up to her. I just wish this woman can read your website. Then her eyes will be wide open but unfortunately there are people in this world who would rather choose to live denial than face the sad reality. My friends keep saying that I am the lucky one to have the courage to walk away. He never contact me but if I initiate to call him, he will answer my call and pretend to be friendly. He still thinks that he is a wonderful guy whereas I am the bad woman because I have exposed him within his circle of female friends. But why does he pretend? He can always give me cold shoulder….

Do EUMs and ACs need therapy? Do they have conscience, how come they seem so genuine. NML, you are indeed a rescuer to a lot of your readers. It is only by reading your articles that I know so much more and I can stay strong. Nevertheless, it is not an easy route. I wish that someday I can totally forget about him.

I’m actually getting angry at myself now. So stupid to not heed the warning.