Comments on: NMLs 50 Thoughts about Relationships, Communication, & Emotional Unavailability

By: LP

LP — Sun, 18 Jul 2010 18:50:38 +0000

Working on #5 as we speak. )

By: Blaise

Blaise — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 23:25:52 +0000

I agree completely with Kathy. Your words are marvelous, NML.

By: NML

NML — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 09:28:34 +0000

Hi Kimberly, thanks for visiting. I have published your comment but you should join the Baggage Reclaim forum/social network to get personal advice on your situation so that the comments for the post stay on topic in line with

By: Kathy G.

Kathy G. — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 05:22:55 +0000

Please Please do not ever discontinue this website. I found this site in February this year, while I was leaving an assclown. Coincidence? More like serendipity. I wish that I had had this kind of take-no-prisoners truth-telling and clear-thinkinig 25 years ago. You are doing a HUGE favor to womankind. Thank you.

By: Loving Annie

Loving Annie — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 03:51:05 +0000

Good points. I have come to believe that it is our perceptions and expectations that either allow us to have peaceful, beneficial relationships with people — or not.

We either engage with people who “speak our language” by being are kind, caring, supportive, loyal, honest and share our goals and values — OR NOT depending on our choice of partner.

It IS a choice. Every step of the way.

You can only be hurt, annoyed, disappointed or walked on if you cooperate with it more than once.
The pain will be minor if you leave as soon as you realize the other person is full of it/not treating you well and doesn’t care about changing as evidenced by thier behavior.
The pain will NOT get so deep if you don’t let bad behavior run rampant and make excuses for it (yours OR his.)

Healthy boundaries protect you — as does not putting your fantasies of who and what you want somone to be onto them.

It really comes down to truly taking care of yourself in a way that allows you to be loving to those who love/trust/respect/value you — and loving yourself enough to end relationships when those 4 conditions are not consitently present.

That will only sound harsh if you want to keep making excuses for why your EUM has potential, or you CAN’T leave because….

(p.s. Obviously this is not about anyone in a domestic violence situation – there are safety issues and shelter issues that come into play in those cases of having chosen a partner with a destructive rage issue that make it much more complicated)

By: madeamistake

madeamistake — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 01:39:20 +0000

I’d like to weigh in on #7–you’re exactly right. I definitely knew that the behavior wasn’t right or normal, yet I accepted it, tried to explain it to him and tried to change him. I look back now and laugh at how much time I wasted. I would have had more luck changing a cat. After many months of NC, I can tell you how right you are NML about everything and now I just smile when I think about how “important” I thought it was to “talk” to him about his behavior. I would have been so much better off if I had told him to take a flying leap and never talked to him again–which I evenutally did but only after trying to “change” said assclown/EUM with my kindness, understanding, explaning–which translated really means destroying my boundaries, letting him get away with things I would have never let anyone else get away with, totally losing myself. His behavior wasn’t right, isn’t normal and never will be–and that’s fine because I no longer have to deal with it and he can be his bad EUM/assclown self.

By: katty

katty — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 00:17:41 +0000

Thank you for saying #9 and #10 today today!! I SO needed to hear it. At the very end of the “relationship” I tried to talked to the AC about how I wished we could communicate better and his response was “ok” next day I texted to say hi, his response was that he had to go to work and said good bye. He did not speak to me for 2 weeks. Then he came back with the lamest excuse about his phone not working. Then I knew his intentions were not anywhere close to what I thought they were. He was obviously trying to avoid me and the whole communication issue that we had.
Needles to say I dumped him a week later and a month later he only made an attempt to talk and said hi. No apologies, No lets work things out, No nothing! Coldness at its worse.

By: saraK

saraK — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 21:47:15 +0000

Like you, I’m interested in building better people. Setting good boundaries is a great way, as you know. I wonder how it can be applied in family issues, to set the stage for better ‘relationships.’ Thanks again for your insight and this site.

By: Kimbely

Kimbely — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 21:46:23 +0000

hello. I am new to this site, recommended by a friend. I haven’t had a chance to read any articles but the most recent so I’m hoping if I air my dirty laundry here, it will give me a better perspective. I have been /was seeing a man for close to 6 months that lost his wife 4 years ago to cancer. Anyway back in August, we both found ourselves out of jobs ( no fault of our own), his mother passed away and he was involved in a car accident. When the mother passed away he completey cut contact with me for about a week. He came back explaining that was his way of dealing with it. To add to it, he has admitted that he has major anxiety issues and has been taking medication for about 6 years. When the accident occurred, he was arrested for being under the influence of too much medication (anxiety meds). I thought at the time that he was finally coming around when he said he needed me. So of course, I wanted to be there for him. I invited him to stay with me while he was recovering from the accident but realized his “physical” issues were basically withdrawal symptoms from not having any access to his anti anxiety pills. I took him to 4 doctors and they all said the same thing… no physical issues, he needed to address his anxiety. Still with me? Well he packed up everything and moved out of my home in the middle of the night. Literally called a cab and left but accused me of kicking him out, which I didn’t. I contacted a friend of his to see if he had heard from him and asked him to let me know that he was ok. Well, that apparently made him even worse. He said I wasn’t a friend and that he no longer trusts me. The confusing thing is that he says that he is still grieving over the loss of his wife, but he says he does love me and misses me. I’m trying to be there for him but he will not respond to phone calls, messages, nothing. He says that he is a train wreck and that I deserve better. I ask him if he would prefer I leave him alone and he won’t answer me. I feel bad if I just stop contact with him because he says he is all alone, but I’m not sure if I should further contact him. Any thoughts??? Sorry for rambling.

**added from a subsequent comment
I guess my questions is that Iâ€™m not sure if I can establish boundaries with this man at this point. I would like to help him but at the same time it feels like this a a roller coaster ride that will not stop anytime soon. I know I have the option to leave, but that seems very cold and callous at the moment.

I left out of my initial post that he claims that I am the first person he has been with since his wife passed away.

He has made comments that there are other women interested in him, but then he claims that he is only interested in me. He has called me very vulgar names but claims he does not remember because he has been on too much medication. Losing my job and the recent loss of my brother has been hard on me as well, but I have tried to NOT let my problems become hisâ€¦ i figured I was doing him a favor by not coming to him while he was dealing with his own issues

By: NML

NML — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 20:29:31 +0000

Hi saraK, the example I used about NC was with Mr Unavailable’s and assclowns to tie it back into ‘relationships’. I’m certainly not suggesting that people cut contact with family members. That said, I know a number of readers who have distanced themselves/had a break from family members, which I guess is a variation of NC. This isn’t a post about parental relationships – it’s about the wider topic of relationships, communication, and emotional unavailability.

By: saraK

saraK — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 19:26:56 +0000

I understand about the need to establish good boundaries, and that family history may affect this. But I don’t understand about going N/C with family members. Although BFs are replaceable, Parents and Sibs are not. Is there a step after N/C with family members?
You can lose an AC, but a person should not have to lose their family.

By: Isabella

Isabella — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 17:38:52 +0000

Thanks NML, great thoughts, gotta re-read to absorb……