Comments on: NML’s Quick Thoughts on Self Esteem and Drama Reduction

By: Lovely

Lovely — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 05:54:00 +0000

Great Post! I had to learn the hard way; it wasn’t until I read your site that I recognized what the B.S. was all about. You truly have this described down to a science. These unavailable men will keep contacting you until you don’t respond to them and sometimes it takes a little consistency to show you mean it bc in the past we would think by them contacting us; it was a reward or something!! One of the weirdos I dated briefly in the summer of last year called me in the summer this year to “wish me a Happy Birthday” after I told him I didn’t want to speak to him anymore (after his hot and cold eposodes) … just like you say “they sense when you are happy and moving on” so what did I do, I picked up the phone not knowing it was him and when I found out it was said “I’m sure you are calling me to wish me a happy birthday but I do not wish to speak to you and hung up” – then he text me basically trying to play mind games that I was being “mean”… NML I am so glad I see throw the smoke and mirrors and came to gribs with my own self!! Thanks

By: Brad K.

Brad K. — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 00:55:45 +0000

Confused,

You worry about having to change your whole personality. Well, I believe there are two different and unrelated changes you face.

The first is the ex. (Or, ‘should be ex’.) You don’t change your personality for him – you reclassify him. Instead of the guy in your life, he became an inconvenient pest. You choose who you trust, based on experience. You choose who you respect. Now you just need to choose to consciously consider the guy to be untrusted and unrespected.

You can feel affection and warmth for a puppy in a pet store cage, without ever holding the squirmy bundle in your arms. You can feel affection for a mother attending to her child, people you will never greet. What you may feel anymore for this guy is like that – an honest feeling of yours, and nothing binding you to him.

Barring criminal acts against you, he deserves your politeness. Not for his sake, but because you don’t want to have to pick and choose who to be courteous and polite to. But his actions and words and disrespect have ‘earned’ him your caution. He is no longer a friend, you no longer owe him friendship, or any regard more intimate or supportive than a taxi driver looking for a hire right now.

The other change is more profound. In your insecurity, you have chosen to own and accept disrespect from others, and toward yourself. Discuss this with a few friends, or ask to see a counselor or pastor about recognizing disrespect when it is aimed at you, and why you don’t confront it. And you need to confront disrespect every time. Just learning to recognize disrespect, and learning the damage it does to you and those around you, will be most of the change you need to plan. For one thing, think how much more secure you will be with friends once you can be assured of respect in your interactions.

Blessed be!

By: Fake It 'Til I Make It

Fake It 'Til I Make It — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 03:15:50 +0000

I feel so bad for you, Confused. It sounds like you’ve done a good job so far. Don’t feel bad about contacting him; we all make errors in judgment or think we can handle interacting with these guys sooner than we actually can. The important thing is to get right back on course.

I’ve been in a similar spot with my own EUM for more than a year, and because we’re colleagues I have to seem him very often. I’m trying to adapt NCR for our situation, but it’s hard, especially when you don’t have the luxury of being able to totally avoid seeing him.

By: need advise

need advise — Sun, 20 Apr 2008 20:45:37 +0000

nysharon
you are absolutely right! I beleieve he was in a state of shock when he tried to reach me again and found my number was no longer accessible. So he had to walk his *ss over to my house and let me know in person that I was a whack job and yada yada. So yeah, if it makes him feel better he got that off his chest and got the last word in, so be it!! I’ve only known him for 8 nightmare months so I really don’t know him, BUT I would say he has major CONTROL issues……..so just go and look in your little black book and prey on your next victim(so sad for her).
Thanks again for the input

By: nysharon

nysharon — Sun, 20 Apr 2008 16:15:06 +0000

Confused: It sounds like he just wanted to have the last word. It is a control issue and he got angry because he lost it. Let him have his say and smile the next time you run into him. Think of your NC as taking control back and move on>

By: confused

confused — Sun, 20 Apr 2008 11:34:06 +0000

Astelle, Thanks and I’m glad you have such a strong resolve! This is by far the hardest thing I’v ever had to do especially having to see him every day which I know a lot of other ladies have that same problem. It’s still really fresh for me and this most recent incident threw me for a loop, it’s amazing how someone can affect you so powerfully when you ALLOW them to. This site has been very helpful to me in that there are so many other women who are going through the same thing. Thanks NML for reaching out and allowing for others to do the same as well as share their stories. I’m pretty much at the “can’t or don’t want to trust anyone “stage right now and that is so not me. Thanks again

By: Astelle

Astelle — Sun, 20 Apr 2008 07:08:38 +0000

NML, great post! We need to stop to worry about why he is making contact, because the reason he does is never the reason we want him to make contact, he is not suddenly missing us, loving us, bla, bla, bla.
No Contact gave me my sanity back, saying NO is very important, when my a**hole makes contact with me, there is no answer besides NO!!,
meaning NO RESPONSE, or I can buy another ticket and get back on the rollercoaster for the 3rd, 4th, 5th time – all on my expense?
No, I rather be single than have any man jerk me around.
It has been a few months for me now with NC and I have gotten compliments on my looks from my friends and co-workers. I lost the stressed and tense look, I am sure some of you know what I am talking about?

By: confused

confused — Sun, 20 Apr 2008 02:24:54 +0000

very good post and one that I quess I seem to fit quite well. However, it almost makes me feel as though I need to totally change my whole personality because of the fact that I am kind, considerate, caring and care taker(I’m a Nurse). Why do we have to be something we are not or maybe we really aren’t who we thought we were all along? I feel very defeated and feel as though I need to be this tough and indifferent individual to get any where with men or a lot of interpersonal relationships. It sounds like a bunch of game playing to me and if I can’t be up front and REAL with someone, then am I truly being myself. I was not a drama seeker(atleast outwardly) with my EUM and tried to tell him several times I could not do the physical thing any more and he didn’t seem to HEAR what I was saying and almost turned it up a notch to probably see if I meant what I said. It’s hard when you care about someone and yes you do take them the way they are because we know we can’t change people. I cut totally contact without warning to him as I felt I expressed myself many times in the recent past as to why this should not continue. I went as far as changing my phone #. Well Mr. EUM apparently did not like that and emailed a pretty rude and hurtful note to me for which I ignored and then after two weeks of NC, he shows up at my door yesterday and honestly I was caught off guard and seemed to be fumbling with my words. He basically said he came there to tell me I was a whack job and stay out of his life….okay, that’s what I’ve been doing for the last two weeks. After he left I made the mistake of phoning him with my restricted # and told him what he said was unfair, he just rambled on more rudeness. I called again and he did not answer and I proceeded to tell him how he was the one that didn’t want a relationship and I didn’t understand why he was so upset. Sorry this is so long, but honestly it really set me back and I’m pretty pissed at him right now but will not convey that to him as it’s just a huge ego stroke. So I quess I’m back to square one with the NC. He lives right behind me which makes it very difficult. Wish he would just move already!!!
Thanks for listening and if there’s any comments to add, feel welcomed.