Don't break no contact and keep your proverbial door closed

Many BR readers are currently going through breakups, which may include No Contact – this is essentially closing your door on the relationship by cutting contact and distancing yourself, so that you have a chance to gain objectivity, break an unhealthy partnering, and gradually rebuild your life. By closing the door, you signal that the privileges that they’ve enjoyed in or out of the relationship no longer exist, and by enforcing boundaries, you also impose limits on your own behaviour, which may have detracted from you.

But as some of you have discovered, after the breakup or during No Contact, your ex may periodically, or even often, try to get your attention. They might do the same thing, almost like clockwork – I hear from readers who have exes that always reach out on the same day, or every X weeks, or Y months. Or during the holidays or whenever. Some of you have let the same ex back in with the same con numerous times.

When you’re broken up but are still receptive, it’s basically like having a security keypad on your proverbial door. Because you’re still receptive even before they attempt contact, you’ve avoided doing anything as ‘drastic’ as changing the lock or taking back their key. With the access code, you either haven’t changed it, or you have, but you’ve either changed it to a code that you know they’re likely to guess, or you keep dropping hints making it easy for them to figure it out. Maybe you send texts saying that you miss them or that you’re really hurting and finding it hard to move on and they get an idea of which ‘buttons’ to press.

Your post breakup access code can be made up of validation, Future Faking such as plans and claims of changing, and Fast Forwarding including seduction.

When they successfully gain access and are basically inside the perimeter of your heart and mind, your ex may also take it upon themselves to press The Reset Button which can be as drastic as restoring you to your ‘original settings’. Then you end up having to ‘relearn’ why you broke up with them in the first place and gather the strength to boot them out and change the code and lock your door.

Reading a comment from reader ‘Yoshizzle’ a couple of days ago, whose ex comes into the store where she works several times a week, I was struck by the almost brute force mentality of people who are trying to get you to ‘give in’ to them. Yoshizzle has no desire to be with him and is NC but has been unseated by his Jeckyll and Hyde behaviour – some days it’s like she doesn’t exist, other days he says hi, and sometimes he’s giving her filthy looks.

Here's Johnny

It’s the same when you have an ex that attempts to get their foot through your proverbial door by any means necessary…sending you dumb jokes, weather and sports commentary, asking if you’re friends yet, provoking you with information about them with a new person, sending nasty messages, sending apologetic messages, turning up, moaning to your friends, pitching themselves to your family, slagging you off knowing full well that you’ll hear it back and may confront them, making up lies, claiming that they’re ill, claiming that they’re dying, claiming someone else has died, claiming that they don’t think they can live anymore, saying that they have to get something from your place even though there’s nothing there, reneging on agreements to pay you back, claiming that they’ll leave their wife/husband/partner, claiming that they’re almost ready to leave, and the list goes on.

It’s natural to be affected by this onslaught, but as I explained to Yoshizzle, they’re being tactical to break down your defences so that you ‘open the door’. They don’t want you; they just want to win.

When you remember this, they have less power.

Don’t misread this bullshit and see it as flattering (it’s not, it’s boundary busting big style) or where it’s particularly unpleasant, as being reflective of who you are. You must recognise that when you have boundaries and/or try to move on, for some people, this makes them feel out of control so they have to pull this stuff to try to give themselves a sense of being in control of you. If you give in, with the control follows a loss of desire erection.

Imagine yourself as a door, that you’ve now closed and locked.

Your ex comes along and tries to open the door, but discovers that their key doesn’t work. They keep trying it but no result. They have a root around and pull out a selection of keys that they know used to work on you. Still nothing. They come back another day and try to jimmy the lock with hairpin. Another day they try with a credit card. Another day they kick at it furiously and you’re near crapping yourself and feeling you should cave in and unlock, but you hold your ground.

The next time, they try the gentle and polite approach with the door, maybe pressing the doorbell, and trying to look through the letterbox. The time after that they serenade you (reminds me of Adam Sandler in Happy Gilmore), or leave flowers or rat droppings (snigger) – let’s hope they don’t put poo through your letterbox… Then they get pissed off again that the door isn’t open so they try to take a hammer to it. Maybe they kick at it, thump the crap out of it, or stand a few feet away throwing rocks and hoping you’ll be intimidated. You’re scared and wondering why the hell they’re doing this. They then try a calmer approach to the door. Then get frustrated again. And lather, rinse, repeat.

What you don’t do is open the door. Especially when you’ve previously opened the door and got yourself hurt for your trouble. It’s like letting someone pull the same con on you more than once. Where’s your door chain?

Yes their antics are a pain in the arse but the best thing that you can do is recognise how unbelievably inappropriate their behaviour is and use it as further validation of why your relationship needs to be over.

Let me say it again – it’s not flattering; it’s effed up.

You don’t need this type of negative attention – not all attention is created equal.

Door bashing relies on either a receptive occupant, or the perception that the person will be receptive, and if they keep being met with a closed door, they’ll eventually fade away and find some other fallback option to pester. In the meantime, don’t let their antics own you and keep moving forward.

Your thoughts?

Check out my book and ebook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl in my bookshop.

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384 Responses to No Contact: Why you need to keep your proverbial door closed…even when they try to break it down by any means necessary

  1. AspiringDiva says:

    Well, I’ve been reading the Baggage Reclaim site since June when my mate first starting acting up in a 5 year relationship drama. Repeated break ups after his anger outburst whenever I would attempt to establish my boundaries led me to finally and really do the NC thing. I have to say that I’m confused, but I shouldn’t be; I’m questioning myself, and I shouldn’t. This relationship has caused me so much turmoil. Every article that Natalie writes speaks to me and how stupid I’ve been. I always would question the “what ifs”: what if he meets another girl and acts right, maybe I am nagging him too much about marriage? All those episodes would play out. On Saturday, another episode ensued. I’m moving stuff I’m selling downstairs – three reasonably heavy bags, and he doesn’t lift a finger because he’s mad. This episode culminates with what eventually is my finale – he walks out of the house while I am in the shower and because he doesn’t have a key, he leaves the door unlocked. He doesn’t say anything. Just leaves. What a jerk! We don’t talk for the rest of that day, and then Sunday morning, he calls me four times. I don’t answer. He sends a text. Pulls me in. We talk on yesterday, and I discover he’s not going to ever be for me. This morning, I ignore his call. Decide that after reading the “Cat and Mouse” game that Natalie wrote about, that was us, and that he is just logging “Wins” in his column. I really regret having wasted 5 years with this one. I’d love to see writings about how to tell if it’s love or are you just be stupid because you want someone to love you. Anywhoo….I’m moving on. Changing my phone number, and since he’s totally petrified of my parents (he’s 42) I don’t expect him to come looking. Thanks Natalie for all your support by way of your articles. You are dead on!!! I’m reading the daily NC emails now. Before, I was just getting them. So thankful for this site.

    • Elisabeth says:

      I dated an assclown for 5 weeks; he was 10 years younger; we had 3 dates; he was a very nice charming EUM – I really enjoyed being around him, lots of chemistry and was getting attached quickly, but red flags started going off after the 2nd date – it was so odd, but my instincts were telling me he’s shady – he started off with an ambush texting me 24/7 (never phone calls) showing lots of attention, but also sending many “stay in your own lane” signals; causing me confusion and anxiety; over time he revealed that he cheated on first wife and back and forth with her over 15 years, threw 2nd wife out, he thought marriage/relationships overrated, only wanted sex with benefits arrangement – I decided to end it with him because I realized I can’t waste my time on such silliness, he’s not the one for me and I need to protect the good life I have; after about 2 weeks I was getting past it and he sent me a text to say Hi, but I didn’t respond. It hasn’t been easy to forget him, because the attraction was strong, but I know now I made the best decision. Also, I should have kicked him to the curb after the first date, so lesson to me to heed the warning signs in the future.

  2. Nathaniel L says:

    I don’t understand why people (SOME) can’t take NO for an answer or except that the relationship is over and the other person has moved on .I’m speaking just from my perspective my heart felt belief speaking for a man that’s confident in self and who has been in a few long term relationships meaning at least a year or more they all have ended differently of course and I’m still friends with some of the women,but will never be in a relationship again with them for the simple reason I don’t back track PERIOD,because it’s NEVER the same again I tried to go back and rekindle a past relationship and it was a DISASTER,so no never again,but getting back on point and I see many men say this if I can’t have her back I don’t know what I’m going to do and it’s VERY SICKNING to be honest to me,I always live with the credo hey if you don’t want me I don’t want you and that’s just the way it is with me,so ladies if you have some sick man who can’t or won’t let go I’m sorry it’s crazy to me and I will never understand that.

  3. Michelle says:

    What a fantastic post! I wish this had been available to me 3 years ago, would have saved me a whole lot of heartache. What you wrote summed up the ex MM so well. At the time I felt like I had no strength to resist his attempts at contact ,and he did a brilliant job of making me feel so guilty as he knew just which buttons to press each time(I’m thinking of killing myself , missing you so much etc).
    I decide I wanted to be NC back in March, yet he only stopped emailing and texting 3 months ago (finally got sick of being ignored). I’m so pleased I stuck to my guns and did not fall back into old patterns with him. My self esteem has improved so much since no longer being in contact with him and I’m altogether a happier person. Am also looking forward to Xmas for the first time in years as will no longer be the sad OW whilst he was doing his dutiful husband routine.
    Thanks so much Natalie for all the amazing posts – they have helped me so much over the past 2 years and I’m very grateful for that. To anyone else out there struggling with being NC, I’d say hang in there – it can be done even though it aint alway easy!

  4. Complicated says:

    “But as some of you have discovered, after the breakup or during No Contact, your ex may periodically, or even often, try to get your attention.” So true Nat!!! After a fun and wonderful birthday spent with friends that I much needed, the inevitable came. The birthday wish from the EUMM came not by text as the usual MO, I had stopped responding to his lame attempts, but by email. Yes, I was feeling happy, sentimental and had had a few drinks.

    I broke my no contact. I replied thanking him for the bday wishes and then that’s when the feelings came rushing back as if the floodgates had opened. I also said I needed to know if i had been used for closure from our past and asked why had he just stopped texting me since we’d been texting everyday for a year until November. (I had sent a long email last month after he did another disappearing act, saying I didn’t want to continue communication because I knew he didn’t care for me the way I did for him). He replied and said he stopped texting daily in Nov. since I had said I couldn’t communicate anymore. He also said he “didn’t do anything for closure, I don’t need closure.”

    I miss him, even though he doesn’t deserve it and has never been sensitive to my thoughts or feelings for him. I realize he’s a complete and total AC. Now I just feel like some stupid, desperate school girl pining away for him…which is also how he must see me too! I’m so embarrassed and mad at myself for replying to his message and seeming so desperate like this. He must get a kick out of me making such an effort for him. I must be the biggest ego stroke he’s ever had. I see the stupidity in all this. I’m ready to regain my self esteem and no longer feel desperate to talk to or hear from him. I see now that this situation has nothing to do with him, it has to do with me. ME not wanting to be rejected by him again, ME trying to get validation I wasn’t just used for sex and ego strokes, ME wanting to not look needy with a low self esteem to him. He’s not worthy of any of this attention, my affections, etc. Wish I’d never put myself into this predicament years ago. I can’t wait for my second appt with my counselor this week. I am ready to change!! Just wish it didn’t hurt so much.

    • NCC says:

      Complicated-
      Right there with you! The first time I broke NC, he didn’t respond back…until he needed something, then the sweet little “thanks cutie” comments sucked me back in….I foolishly thought there was a valid excuse he hadn’t answered my calls the day or so before. He let me believe that too (again, to get what he needed from me in the short term), he was never one to offer up the truth if it didn’t benefit him. I took his contact and went farther, actually went to see him, only to catch him with one of his many back up plans at the house I had just moved out of. I was angry, but didn’t cry. But..i ACTUALLY said things like, “Are you over me, am i that replaceable, did you ever really love me?” This is the worst, “is she better than me?” Literally it was like I had no control over what was coming out of my mouth. And figuratively I was grasping at gaining even a scrap of control of him in that moment. when i knew i had NONE. My head was saying, SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP! He asked me to leave and shut the door on me to return to her. Basically the equivlant of a hang up on the phone. Wow, talk about humiliation and self destruction. But I guess all in all i didnt beat myself up too much about it. I played with fire and got burned. But unfortunetely didn’t stop there. He made the next contact a week after that happened, to apologize and CONTINUE to lie about why that woman was there. But this one, was the most humiliating and what has kept me on STRICT NC and honestly, these other gals aren’t kidding here when they say, yes, the pain around grieving the loss, it hurts like hell, not gonna lie. But remembering that i control NOT being put back in the humilation hot seat, that’s what’s keeping me going right now anyway. It stings that I didn’t just leave him hanging the last time he contacted me, left him with the ego blow instead of me. But, I can’t change that now, all I can do is mean business with NC and not worry about what he’s feeling or doing. I know I’m a good person no matter how badly he treated me, or I even treated myself really. I feel stong from moment to moment, then I feel the weakest I’ve ever felt, i work on all of this everyday. I’m in counseling now too, and it’s about the only thing i look forward to these days! That, and reading BR!

  5. Complicated says:

    He also had the nerve to say he would like to go back to our daily texting. I didn’t reply to this because it would basically mean me doing the texting with him replying when he felt like it. In hindsight, I should’ve emailed him back saying “Yes, you go ahead and send me texts and i’ll go ahead and forward them onto your wife.” As runner girl once said, this would send him running, but I was in such shock from him suggesting this and already embarrassed from what I had sent as a response to his email, that I didn’t say anything. Such mind f$##ery, its ridiculous.

    • runnergirl says:

      Hey Complicated,
      I’m really glad you had a nice b-day. See, change is possible!
      As for the slip off the NC wagon, gently dust yourself off and get back on the wagon. This jerk is doing exactly what Nat is talking about in this article and what mine did too. Mine did the “Here’s Johnny” thing because he knew I was still receptive just like Natalie says. I kept avoiding changing the lock and taking back the key because I didn’t want to accept the fact that it was over. Being EU myself, I couldn’t commit to the finality. I made the commitment to me when his wife put a tail on us, hacked his email, and got cell phone records. Talk about embarrassing and humiliating! It was time to change the locks. Don’t let it get to that point Complicated. You can make a big change now: Block and delete and seal the door shut. He can only do the mind f$##ery if you are receptive to it. Wishing you the best.

      • Complicated says:

        Hi Runnergirl,

        Thanks for the comments. They’re great as always. I got back on the NC wagon today and didn’t fall off…taking it one day at a time. I’ve been doing the same thing with regards to refusing to believe the finality of it all; although, I know it is the right choice to make. I just hate feeling as if he views me as desperate/needy now because everyone who knows me, knows this is certainly not me. If I want something, I work for it and obtain it on my own without having to rely on others. Probably because I never had anyone else to rely on other than myself. I always viewed myself as a ‘strong woman’. However with him, I seem to always end up feeling weak. I guess he’s always been my Kryptonite. Anyways, I realize I shouldn’t even care what he thinks, but for some stupid reason I do and that’s just being honest. Humiliated is the PERFECT word for how I feel right now. Humiliated that I broke NC and Humiliated that I asked all those “Did you sleep with me for closure?” and “Why did you stop texting me?” questions. As I had mentioned above, he said he stopped texting because I asked him too, but that’s not what happened. He continued to send random texts on sports banter and update FB statuses to things only I would understand to get my attention. Guess he forgot about all that and is so good at turning things around on me. If you don’t mind me asking, how did you get over the feeling of being humiliated after everything you went through?

        • NML says:

          Complicated, not to rain on your parade but I think there’s a dose of perspective and reality needed here because it’s important not to 1) Future Fake yourself (see the latest post), 2) inadvertently Future Fake others particularly here at BR, 3) keep pressing the Reset Button, 4) be in faux No Contact (Runnergirl will tell you I warned her of the perils of this when I said “Molly, you’re in danger girl” from Ghost, and 5) don’t bullshit yourself.

          Think before you act and think before you speak/write because you are eroding your own credibility.

          “I just hate feeling as if he views me as desperate/needy now because everyone who knows me, knows this is certainly not me.”

          This is just not true Complicated and I say this to you, because if you’re actually being serious about therapy, changing, being honest, being authentic, don’t bullshit. You have two Complicated’s when there should be one – the public Complicated appears to have her shit together, works for it without relying on others and the on the down low Complicated has been texting and sleeping with a married man and relying on him and texts – TEXTS! Jaysus!

          You have been behaving in a desperate and needy manner with this man, right up until you demanded to know whether he slept with you for closure and asked why he stopped texting. You’ve spent four years behaving in a desperate and needy manner with him plus you have a history that extends back 20 years. In fact, you doing all of this by TEXT is only compounding his perception of you further.

          I’ll tell you how you get over the feeling of being humiliated – you stop humiliating yourself and the next time you think about sending a lazy text and reigniting the crumb of an ember that represents this ‘relationship’, remember this feeling today and take yourself as far away as possible from it. I and the many others who have rooted for you here keep telling you that you’re better than this, you agree, and then you comply with this less than situation. You don’t need to wait for an appointment with a therapist to get serious – be serious now, not for us, not for the therapist, but for you. Your therapist can only do part of this process – the majority is down to you.

          • grace says:

            NML
            Abso – effin – lutely.
            We all need to own our shite. I was waiting around for texts too from a MM. At some point I had to recognise that despite my brains, beauty, good job, fantastic friends and family I was being needy and desperate, and humiliating myself. It didn’t matter what the outside persona was. It didn’t even matter what he thought. What really mattered was my continuing engagement in this behaviour. Which was all 100% DOWN TO ME.
            The waiting will slowly kill you – waiting for him, waiting for your feelings to change, waiting for the therapist, waiting to feel better, waiting for it to “sink in”, waiting for a text, waiting for an email, waiting for closure., waiting for the next self-help book. By all means, if this happened yesterday, or even last month I’d advocate patience. But when it becomes months or years – do something now!
            In the end, the brush with the MM lasted six months. It’s too long but not as bad as it could have been. I did what I had to do before I felt ready. You never feel ready. There’s never the perfect time. You make yourself do it.
            And I was sick of it too. If you’re not sick of it, you’ve become too used to it or you’re lying to yourself. It’s not because there’s anything valuable going on. Look at what is really there.

    • Fearless says:

      Complicated,
      “He also had the nerve to say he would like to go back to our daily texting.”

      So there’s a man out there who is married to someone else but would like to offer you daily texts – whoopee-doo! What woman could resist? – Be careful you don’t get trampled in the rush! :)

      Am glad you are now seeing this a little more for what it actually is – text messages. He’ll be happy to continue to take the piss out of you if you are up for it – that’s what’s on offer. Don’t be up for it. Not anymore.

      • Complicated says:

        Hi Fearless,

        I know, right…Who wouldn’t want an EUMM to send them texts everyday about sports banter and the weather? It’s not like he’d be texting me how pretty I was or how much he loves me and wants to be with me or anything. Sometimes (ok, alot of times), I look back and think what was it that drew me to this man? His looks, NOPE. His success, NOPE. His professed undying love for me, NOPE. He has NONE of these things to offer. I believe it was the whole “unavailability” status that made him so appealing to me (as suggested by my counselor and makes total sense). This is the exact thing I grew up with…trying to win over an EU alcoholic father and try to get him to love me and receive validation that I was more important. Eventually all this will sink in and the lightbulb flicker of reality will become a permanent ray of light.

        • tired_of_assanova says:

          Sigh.

          When my EUM and I ‘decided to be friends’ it was like nothing had changed, just the “official status” went from unlabelled to ‘friend’, and I wondered really, what the hell was the difference?

          Some of these guys are like live twitter feed / facebook feed / texting news service. They’ll tell you almost anything/everything up to date in their lives (I did this/that/went here/am planning to do that) and it made me feel close but the reality was he was more like a live 24/7 chat channel.

          I have NEVER EVER had someone ever send me sooo many texts. I’ve never experienced that, so I thought “oh, they must be sooo interested in me!”

          Most people when they’re not interested in me- the calling/texting stops. Not this guy!!

          • grace says:

            tiredofa
            if he’s texting he’s not interested.
            when people are interested they’ll make time in their calendar and turn up in person.
            yeah. radical.
            But I know you know this, don’t get side-tracked!

          • Lynda from L says:

            I hear that sigh Tired of Assanova, joining you..sigh!
            My ex used texting almost like a stream of consciousness..long explanation of feelings,justifications, tirades,words of love. Phew!
            When I said, Nah, too lazy, you need to be face to face to say such things, it was like I had pressed an ejector button and taken him off the planet. He is probably orbiting the earth as I speak,mobile in hand…

          • Fearless says:

            Grace:
            “if he’s texting he’s not interested.
            when people are interested they’ll make time in their calendar and turn up in person.
            yeah. radical.”

            Yeah – radical right enough. What is it with all this texting, like it means something worth talking about?!
            I have often said on BR that I think I get it now and then I got it some more, but I am going to say it again. I think I GET it now! And know what it is that I get? The ex arse EUM *did not love me did not want to be with me and did not give very much of a fig about me at all in the big scheme of things. I get that he was manipulative and selfish and an arse basically*
            That is what I get about him. I also get w hole lot more about me too that I didn’t get before. And I am not getting it only now because it was cleverly concealed or because it was soooo complicated. It was ridiculously simple and as plain as day. I get it now because I have been away from him for so long that I have stopped rationalising, minimising and denying so I get now what was actually very, very obvious all along – I just did not want to get it.

            So all you BR ladies pining over, begging for and analysing his latest crumb or his latest text – here’s the bog basic sad and sorry fact of the matter: the guy doesn’t actually give much of a fig about *you*. If he did, you’d know all about it. As runnergirl would say, we just need to suck it up! (or get sucked under!). That’s where I’m at anyway. But maybe I have it easy because my ex EUM arse doesn’t try to bust my doors in every other week – he doesn’t do his own humiliation, he was happy enough with mine! Hey, but I am not that woman anymore – and it feels so good. Thank you Natalie!

        • Fearless says:

          “It’s not like he’d be texting me how pretty I was or how much he loves me and wants to be with me or anything.”

          No, it’s not. And anyway the guy who actually meant any of that would NOT be texting it to you – he’d be DOING it. So texting any of that would not make this any better – it would just make him a bigger tosser.

          Last time I had any dealing with my ex EUM I was told how pretty I was. Did it make any difference? Nope. A guy telling you how pretty you are means eff all in the big scheme of things. Stop putting so much value on what amounts to a big load of nothing.

          • runnergirl says:

            Oh my, oh my, and o vey. It is so time for me to suck it up and walk it off. I think everything I learned, I learned playing softball. You can’t text when you are at the plate. The pitcher can’t text the pitch and the batter can’t text a hit. When I screwed up at short or second, I had to walk it off. I couldn’t text it in differently. The day I hung up my cleats was when I took a bad hop at second resulting in the worst shiner of my life. At 52, shiners aren’t pretty. It was a sign. Don’t play ball with guys who mean business even if you are playing in a D-League. I thought we where there to have fun. He thought he was there to win.
            These guys seem to think that they no longer have to show up in person as long as they text about something that happened to them today and we are sent reeling because they sent a text? What about showing up at the plate?
            I’ve hung up my cleats. At some point, it is just too humilating to continue to play. You shoulda seen my shiner! It was hugely symbolic of what I was going through with the exMM. Walk it off Runner!

          • grace says:

            fearless
            I got those texts too from the MM, about how beautiful I am (as if I didn’t know already ha ha), how I should have married him, how he would always love me. Didn’t make me feel any better. It was still TEXTSfrom a MM.
            And if I had married him – he’d have been sexting one of his exes while I was the one putting the child to bed. No thanks. There’s a reason we didn’t work out first time round and it’s not because he loved me so much!

  6. jodie says:

    Please help me. I have just broke NC after 4 days because I cannot get it out of my head why he has suddenly stopped speaking to me completely. This time last week we were discussing me moving in with him. Now I am in complete limbo not knowing what the heck Ive done wrong. To say Im heartbroken is an understatement. I am totally and utterly in pieces. I cant eat. I cant sleep. I cant concentrate on my job. Im in so much pain that at this moment in time I would literally do anything, ANYTHING, to hear his voice again, for him to tell me that he still loves me. So I sent him a message and lo and behold he hasnt replied. I just text saying that I miss him and whatever it is thats wrong I am very sad. I just want to cry and cry. I cant see a way out of this hole that Im in. I know everyone keeps saying NC will work but I feel that the longer I go without contact the more and more it plays on my mind. I just want to know what Ive done. Ive never felt so low before. Please help me .

    • Fearless says:

      Jodie
      whatever it is that’s wrong it’s all very, very wrong -that’s all you need to know. Go do something else. You need to realise that your value is not dictated by this guy or anyone else. You should read Nat’s posts on validating yourself. You seem to need this man’s approval to make you feel worth something more than a piece of crap. Are you not worth something way more than that whether he thinks so or not? Don’t you have your worth independently of him? Who annointed him with all this power? Is he God? I don’t think so.

    • NCC says:

      JOdie,
      I know EXACLTY what you are going through. Fearless is right too, READ EVERYTHING ON Natalie’s site. Honestly, the only thing that has gotten me through the moments and days you are describing…this site. Every blog, not only will it empower you, it highlights links to other blogs that are gonna blow you away, like they were written for you and your situation. (dont mean to assume you aren’t doing all of this already!) Those moments, when you want to run to HIM for comfort (because when you were in a relationship, this a valid human need from your partner!) please know that he is the SOURCE of this pain right now, if anything, he may only offer further pain, or at best, a SHORT TERM RELIEF and that is NOT REAL! Him not answering your texts, that’s him doing two things: 1) increasing your pain because, and correct me if I’m off, but it serves to feel like MORE rejection when he doesn’t respond and 2) in a weird way it’s HELPING you, now you don’t have to deal with his crap, he can’t possibly offer you even an IOTA of comfort! I know these are just words, and your pain feels very very strong. But I am learning more day by day and it’s not instant, but just a few weeks ago I wasn’t in this place. I lost 15 lbs in the last two months because of my break up. It still hurts for me everyday…bad. But please know you aren’t alone, don’t give in you will only feel worse from humiliation once he does what EUs and ACs do! Blow hot and cold, use and abuse, play you, etc etc! Natalie know’s what she’s talking about. Stay on BR Jodie! OH! and “i just want to know what I’ve done.” You know the answer girl, you’ve done NOTHING wrong. You’re just expecting things from someone who is incapable of giving you what you want. If he was worried about your pain, you wouldn’t be in pain over him right now. That being said , remember you are an individual seperate from him, and you are worth loving yourself! Wish you the best.

  7. Dublin says:

    Trust the “No Contact Rule”. Don’t stray from it..EVER. I made the mistake yet again. I was with a man 4 years that is exactly what is described as “Assclown, Mr.Unavailable”. I was stunned to see in writing HIM. He has put me through so much. First he wasn’t ready for a relationship, then he was, then he’s not, over and over. I walk away he chases me and wants me back, and a few times I chased him to have him back. Yet the entire time I KNEW it was unhealthy for me and wanted to walk away. But I couldn’t, because I love him. It’s craziness. He lied to me from day one, about everything, prison, drugs, several other women, loosing his job, etc. When I found out the truth, I was shell shocked, felt like I was living on another planet, how could I ME get taken in by this con man. I walked, he chased me for 8 months. I blocked all calls, and texts, emails. He started showing up at my door, this went on for months. I gave in this past summer. Oh everything was fine and great. He was the perfect boyfriend, talking moving in together, marriage, things he NEVER talked about before. He would cry and tell me how sorry he was for treating me so badly. And I deserved to be treated with respect and love. I fell for it 100%. He found a job, and then his “pattern” began peeking through. He was putting distance between us, calls became infrequent, when questioned he would become defensive, pick fights. Same story different day. He tells me last Sunday 12-18-11 (week before Christmas) he doesn’t want to be in a relationship anymore, surprise, surprise. But he wants to spend Christmas together still. First I was so heart broke I said yes. One minute I feel ok I’ll go have one last holiday (which he always made my holidays miserable) part on good terms, then I feel…NO I’m not showing up. I’m not a stupid women, I’ve never even been in a relationship like this before. I’ve only read about stories of women getting sucked in by men like this. I was single after a 22 year marriage that didn’t have issues like this, we just stopped loving each other. Ladies PLEASE slap some sense into me. Am I so out of touch with reality, and this is what men have become?

    • Fearless says:

      Dublin
      at risk of being this evening’s blogger hogger, no it is where your relationshit with this particular man is right now and it’s not going to get any better. You got rid of him once. You’ve sucked. You’ve seen. Same pish, different pants. Tell him to eff off and stay eff offed. And have a peaceful and better Christmas, better new year and better rest of your life, free of this misery-making excuse of a man.

      • Dublin says:

        Fearless:
        Well I asked to have some sense slapped into me and you sure did it. No sugar coating with you. Your right it is the relationship I had with this man. THANK YOU for your brutal response, rather refreshing.

        • Fearless says:

          Dublin,

          my posts on here generally reflect the tack I’m taking with myself at any given time – right now I am in no more bullshit mode with me as I have come to some very clear realisations about my own misery-making excuse of an ex EUM arse man and what he was all about and how I found every excuse under the sun to let him treat me like an option for a years. It’s depressing but I am calling a spade a spade every time he crosses my mind, so am being pretty tough with myself too – I need to be as I am really a bit of a sap! It gets better the longer you stick with NC, cos all I can think now is – what the eff was I thinking?! Jaysus! (As Nat would say).

          • Dublin says:

            I sorry your going through so much heartache. We can’t get our hearts to get on board with our heads when it comes to some men. Don’t be hard on yourself, we stumble, we get back up. I do understand the “What the eff was I thinking” like he would ever change, and be the great guy we tricked our minds into believing. Now that you know you have been his option is that giving you strength? Like a mental machete whacking through wasted love, and loyalty. I think I’m doing that with myself now. I won’t lie I still have thoughts of seeing him at Christmas. But then I think why, he is a waste of human skin, he has nothing good to offer me. He shit all over me. I let him get away with it. And I’m embarrassed, at my age (53) to be going through this. My family/friends think I am no longer involved with him when I found out about his past and ended it more than 8 months ago. I’m ashamed to even tell them I took him back and he shit all over me again. I’m glad I found this site, you and the ladies here are giving me strength. I hope you have a good holiday. Stay strong Fearless.

    • IDeserveBetter says:

      Dublin,
      He sounds like a messed up man who has serious commitment issues. And little to no integrity. A EUM/AC for sure. The push pull crap, I’ve dealt with that too with my EUM guy “friend,” what a piss taker. Often flirty but no follow through.The push/pull mess that they do SUCKS. Why? Because we’re normal people who want normal, healthy relationships & they do not. Everything has to be on their terms or you get nothing at all. Crumbs they give.They want their cake & to eat it too. Selfish & inconsiderate are the adjectives that describe them best. But their charm is blinding at first so you can’t see the negative things or it doesn’t seem to bother you so much. Until one day you wake up & say to hell with it all or come to the point where you just decide to not expect or hope for more than an aquaintance sort of relationship w/them (even if you had more before). At least that’s the point I’m at. Mine has been emotionally/physically draining for me, and only now do I feel like I’m moving into a genuinely healthy place. I can only imagine how you must feel. You need/deserve better. You will find better. Focus on what’s good for u. Spending Christmas with him, would be good for him but prob not for you. Why? B/c right now you want more & he does not. And it would be rewarding his crappy behavior. Exercise self care. Sending good thoughts your way.

      • Dublin says:

        IDB:

        Thank You for your response. Yes you are right, 100% right. I am drained in every way possible. I feel numb, like I have no energy to even talk to him, or deal with him at this point. I’m not even angry, hurt, disappointed at this point. When he told me a week before xmas he wanted out again it hurt like hell, but now I’m just confused. Who does that to someone, tell them how much they love them and a week later they want out at xmas. I’m also confused as to HOW a person can pretend to be someone they are not so well, for so long. And how blind I was, yes he is charming that is for sure. I have never been in a relationship like this before, I never met a man like him before. I had zero clue about his past, none. Didn’t know he was in prison for drugs, didn’t know he had several other women. And what stunned me was his car, and truck were in other women’s names, and one had been paying some of his rent because he lost his job, which he never told me about. He was basically prostituting himself the last several months we were together..with his friends wife!! It was all by accident that I found out. I was at a family event, my cousin had a new girlfriend with him. We started talking, she KNEW him, she use to live across the street from him before I met him. When she told me he was in prison for 6 years for DUI’S and drugs. I asked a friend that is a cop to find out about him, I gave car/truck plate numbers also. I was not prepared for everything I was told. I confronted him, and walked. I should have stayed walking. Huge mistake to think a man like him could have any integrity. But for me to go back to him after I found out everything is what I need to work on myself about. Why would I go back after everything I found out? I must be mentally ill.

        He was the first man I had a relationship with after a 22 year marriage that had no cheating, lying, abuse we just grew apart. I met this man 3 years after my divorce.

        I have to say finding this site has really given me strength. Reading Natalie’s posts are very insightful, and spot on.

    • grace says:

      Dublin
      Intelligence or stupidity has nothing to do with it. The smartest most beautiful woman can have rocky self esteem that allows her to engage with crappy behaviour. Long after he’s revealed what he really is. There are women way stupider than me (smart girls!) who wouldn’t stand for half the nonsense I’ve put up with.
      When someone subjects you to the charm offensive it’s easy to be taken in by it when you’re feeling love starved. Charm isn’t love, it isn’t commitment, it isn’t friendship. It’s seduction.
      Don’t spend Christmas with him, tell him to take a hike. I was going to spend Christmas home alone, quite looking forward to it but in the end a couple at church invited me to their big family Christmas get-together. Good things magically turn up when you free yourself of the idiots.
      Without even knowing it you are shutting down all your options by engaging with him. Shut the door, keep it closed.

      • Fearless says:

        “I was going to spend Christmas home alone, quite looking forward to it but in the end a couple at church invited me to their big family Christmas get-together.”

        Have a love filled and peaceful Christmas, Grace. Thanks for all your words of wisdom on BR this year; you have helped me through my troubles more than you could ever know. God bless.

        • grace says:

          fearless
          Thank you my dear.
          I got another invitation tonight, and one for boxing day.
          I’m WAY less lonely than when I had a “boyfriend”.
          A man does not equal company, especially when he’s one of those twerps who hides from you until Christmas is over.
          Sure it’s taken me a while to get here, I can be such a slow learner. But it’s all worth it.

      • Dublin says:

        Grace:
        Thank you for your response. Again another smart reply to my post. And yes you are correct, 100% correct. I never thought of myself as love starved, or lacking in self esteem. To quote you “When someone subjects you to the charm offensive it’s easy to be taken in by it when you’re feeling love starved. Charm isn’t love, it isn’t commitment, it isn’t friendship. It’s seduction.” That says it all. I am not spending xmas with him. I have not returned his calls. I’m sure he’ll figure it out. Again thank you!!

  8. jodie says:

    Thank you so much for your answers. It means so much that people are taking the time to read and reply to my post in a time when I am feeling nothing but rejection and heartache. I have not heard back from him and very much doubt I will however I am really embaressed that I text him saying I miss him. Should I message again just to say that I didnt mean it or I was drunk or something? If I leave it he might think of me being sad and moping around (which I am). I would just love to send one more saying I didnt mean it and then perhaps say something nasty about him (i.e. his lack of sexual ability) just to hurt him, then break off all contact.

    • NML says:

      Jodie, if you really are reading the replies, you’ll know that saying you want to text *again* off the back of saying that you embarrassed yourself by texting already and that you don’t want to humiliate yourself further, but you also want to say you didn’t mean it (not true and it’ll be obvious) and that you were drunk (you’ve texted him stuff sober so that’s going to also look silly) and then telling the same person you were attention seeking from that he’s crap in the sack or that his willy is a cocktail sausage or whatever, is going to make you look 1) worse 2) juvenile and 3) like he’s right to behave as he does.

  9. jodie says:

    NML youre right, you are all right, and I know Im not the only one going through this but I am sat here in tears and have been for the past 2 days. It honestly feels like Im going cold turkey off some drug or something, as dramatic as that sounds. Its like all I want is for him to say or do something and everything will be alright again. Its like I need a hit. I know this sounds bizarre but its the nearest I can describe what Im feeling. Im in pieces. Everyone says take one day at a time. But what If Im here this time next week feeling exactly the same? Or two weeks after that? Or in 6 months time still going over and over in my head what Ive done wrong? How can I just walk away from it, put it out of my mind? I know its possible, but at the moment it is so very very hard.

    • Fearless says:

      Jodie
      you sent him a text and told him you miss him. He read it. He gets it. He is not answering you. That’s your answer. You don’t like it so you’re desperately trying to think of ways to get a different answer out of him and if he doesn’t give you the answer you want…well you’ll just insult him instead? (then go begging for forgiveness when he ignores your insult?)

      I think you should stop trying to control and manipulate this guy into giving you some attention – into making everything “alright for you” and into making you feel good about yourself. That is your job, not his. He is a separate human being; whatever he is, he is entitled to do what he wants and feel what he feels. It is hard to take rejection but you need to accept that you cannot control him and that he does not feel the same for you and about you as you do about him. He does not depend on you to make him feel ‘good’ about himself (and neither he should). He is fine. Leave him alone. Deal with what is making you crave validation from another person like this. He can’t fix that problem cos it’s not about him, it’s about you – and only you can fix it – for yourself.

    • NML says:

      Jodie, I have to be real with you – it’s just been two days. If you told me you’d been constantly in pieces for 2 months or even 2 years, I think your questions would be more credible.

      I know a woman who was in a terrible accident – angry and in pain and as desperate as she was to be up and walking again, she didn’t expect to after 2 days and knew that she had to go through a process. They thought it might take close to a year and she was up and about after a few months.

      Another friend was raped and had to fake her death to survive the mad man. She too didn’t expect life to go back to normal after 2 days.

      It’s important that you recognise that none of the behaviour you’re engaging in is attractive so you’re actually shooting yourself in the foot. Every text, every desperate attempt doesn’t convey love – it says that you lack self-control and don’t respect yourself.

      For a jackass like him, you are inadvertently legitimising his reasoning behind his warped actions. Don’t give him that satisfaction.

      The fact is, you’re not coming off drugs – you’re coming off text messaging. I cut contact with the man sitting two desks away from me as have many others – it’s horrible initially but then, so was the relationship in the end along with my crap self-esteem.

      You are attempting to control his agenda – I would make it a priority to see a professional within the next day or so, and get the help you need. If you’re based in the UK, also note that sending more than two unwanted messages, especially if you sent the insulting text, is breaking the law. Now there’s a sobering thought. He isn’t worth even another fingernails worth of embarrassment. Stop.

    • NCC says:

      Jodie,Natalie talks about No Contact and it’s difficulties and rewards all over her blog. AND you need to buy “The No Contact Rule” Ebook if you can. I believe that a huge first step to NC working for you is knowing why you are doing it, and then doing it for the right reasons. If you are doing it to get a reaction from him, it’s destructive and it’s not really NC. From the sounds of it you DO know something is wrong here, I just don’t think you REALLY believe right now that it’s the right decision or why you’re doing it or what you want to accomplish. Read Nat’s blog, “The Right Decision doesn’t always feel good.” One important thing to remember about No Contact, and a break up in general, and Natalie talks about this, is that if you look at your pain today, and think “how am I going to get through today, this week, this month, this year?” you’re not allowing yourself to grieve the loss and you are putting dangerous pressure on yourself to be over everything NOW. It doesn’t work that way. Today it hurts, yes. Trust me, I’ve been on the floor crying thinking I wasn’t going to ever feel differently. But then I have to tell myself, I know this is hard now, but I will feel better. If you imagine that you will be in pain just like today in two months, or six months, you’re not giving yourself the credit you deserve that you WILL be better, you WILL feel better. As Fearless says too, looking at why you need the validation from this person is key. That takes your focus off of him. If you don’t address this, my experience is that this is bound to happen again, it will just be with another EUM. I’m in counseling now to explore that exact thing. I can do NOTHING about him. Also take him off the pedestal. I would go so far as to say try not to dwell too much on “he’s fine, it’s not his job to fix me, I need to let him live his life as he sees fit.” I get that that is ALL true, but I feel like it still gives him the power in your mind, and to me it’s almost like keeping him on a pedestal still, one that says “I’M the one who can’t get it together, not him.” Does that make sense? Tell yourself those things once, twice, three times maybe if they help. But then let go and start thinking about instead what makes YOU happy, what YOU can fix, why YOU are just fine. Don’t even let HIM and why he’s so OK with everything be on your mind.

    • grace says:

      jodie
      Texting is crap, if you really want to get his attention – turn up on his doorstep, crying, begging for him to speak to you and offering sex. I did this. He then kicked me out afterwards. I remember cos it was raining.
      Was I going to take no for an answer? NO WAY. After a long range campaign on my part he married me.
      I divorced him within a year.
      Sometimes it’s just not meant to be. All the crying in the world does not mean you should get back with him. Cry because he’s hurt you, but see it for what it is – a signal that he’s hurt you, is hurting you, and will hurt you again if you give him a chance. Stay away from him. Here’s a rule of thumb from a friends mother, who has three beautiful daughters:
      “A bad man isn’t worth crying over and a good man doesn’t make you cry”.

      • NML says:

        I couldn’t resist asking – was it a fur coat and no knickers job?

        Showing up somewhere was the firm line for me with my ex with the girlfriend. I just couldn’t bring myself to but it was a lot to do with remembering practically grovelling when the ex before him talked about breaking up. After me getting pretty upset, he decided to give us another try (I now know he had the Other Woman by then) and then proceeded to remind me about it a few weeks later. He made a few quips and I could see the look on his face – the woman he thought he couldn’t even get or keep had been desperate. I remember that pitiful look like it was yesterday – his ass was grass the moment I twigged it.

        • Natasha says:

          “I couldn’t resist asking – was it a fur coat and no knickers job?”

          I am CRYING laughing right now!! Just so everyone knows they’re not the only one who’s ever acted pathetic, I once considered donning a fur coat and fancy knickers (I love British-isms. So much.) to surprise a jackass that I was dating upon his arrival at my house. I thought it would be very Melrose Place sexy at first and then the more I thought about it….I didn’t want to ruin the mink. I really had my priorities straight, obviously.

          Jodie, no texting this guy! If you get the urge, I want you to write down a list with a minimum of six reasons why he is special enough to embarass yourself over. If you get past ONE, I will be shocked. You’re better than this.

        • grace says:

          NML
          Pretty much but I am anti-fur myself.
          How could I stay married to him? He was a constant reminder of how low I had sunk. And when all the drama had died down I realised he wasn’t worth what I had put myself through (to be fair, no-one is. He’s just a man!) Then being in a not-meant-to-be-marriage catapulted me into another self-sabotaging crap relationship (with the abusive AC). So that small step of humiliation really was a slippery slope.
          Still, years down the line, I hope he got his act together and is doing well. I just don’t need to know about it.

      • Fearless says:

        Another I like is: ‘never waste your time on a man who doesn’t waste his time on you’.

        • runnergirl says:

          Dear Natalie, Grace, Natasha, and as always Fearless,
          Thank you for sharing how low you’ll go to get the guy. I can’t top your stories nor to I want to but it is truly amazing how we can sink into such darkness and despair. I sunk pretty low too. My pitt of darkness mirrors yours. Jodie, Bri, Complicated and anybody, I sure hope you are still reading these heartfelt words from what are truly amazing women who have turned their lives around. If they can do it, we can do it too. You aren’t alone, thanks to Natalie. BAR the door, seal it shut, change the locks. I’m almost getting out of the zone of despair and humilation. Love the quote Grace. Love the comment Natalie: “his ass was grass the moment I twigged it”. They really hate when their ass is just another ass. Worse, he hated the fact I finally recognized he was one giant ass. I remember the look too. His jig was up.

  10. d. says:

    So my AC aka FOOL showed up at my place a few nights ago. I had a couple of drinks and responded to his texts. I told him not to come, but, five minutes later he was at my door. He said he wanted to talk to me. I let him in for about 30 mins, my girlfriends were here, so I asked him to leave.

    His effort was insincere. He just wanted to see what I was up to to keep tabs on me. And, of course brag about his possible new job. He threw a few mental jabs and insults which I just smh to, because he’s so effin predictable. Haven’t heard from him since. So, I know he only came by to check to see if I was still “available.”

    • Natasha says:

      Oh d., this guy just makes me say “YICK.” Next time he turns up, just don’t open the door. It goes to show you what a lack of a loss this fool is – I mean, who turns up at their ex’s house to insult them and make sure they’re still ‘available’? It’s too bad you didn’t have that invoice printed up for him ;)

  11. d. says:

    i read this blog all day. NML is brutally honest. the moment you send a message you are conveying all the wrong messages. an AC, or anyone you are breaking up with will not perceive an “i miss you” message as that, they will see desperation and desperate ain’t cute. what is more appealing, is conveying the message that you care about yourself more, and that you will no longer entertain him and you are choosing to move on.

    one of the most helpful posts i’ve read here was about “when you give too much” or something like that. i learned that when you are constantly the giver in a relationship, the receiver doesn’t think you’re nice, or in love with them, they see someone who doesn’t love themselves enough. i always thought that if i wanted to show a man how much i cared that me bringing them gifts, cooking, helping them get their shit/life together, being their couch therapist, etc would be an indicator of my love through actions. but, what i was really showing was that i cared more for them than for myself. and, time and time again, i was left feeling drained and couldn’t understand why my loving actions weren’t met with praise, or them fulfilling my needs. that, was a BIG eye opener for me!

  12. jodie says:

    Thanks once again for your comments. I havent sent the text and I wont. I suppose it was a moment of desperation. I just hate the not knowing. Why hes done this to me. Everything was fine. There was no hint of him not wanting to be with me anymore. He literally disappeared overnight. Can anyone understand how frustrating that feels? I mean, if there had been problems and we’d argued then yeah I would get why he would just up and leave. But there wasnt. In fact, we were getting on more than ever. He had just been promoted. We were discussing a holiday at easter. And now nothing. Its only natural to want to know what youve done wrong.

    I dont know why I seek this validation from him. In all honesty, like Ive said before, every other aspect of my life is fine. I have alot of interest from other guys too at the moment, however Im not planning on dating again just yet. I have lots of friends and a loving family. I dont need or crave male attention. I just know that when I met him blew me away. I was crazily in love with him and he has broken my heart. I know I will eventually get over this, I have been in love before with an AC who dumped me for someone else and that took me about 2 years to fully get over it. But I was alot younger then. Im 28 now, an age where I should be getting ready to settle down, not nurse a broken heart!

    • Fearless says:

      Jodie

      “He literally disappeared overnight. Can anyone understand how frustrating that feels?”

      Yes. I do understand. So do many of us on BR – that is why many of us are here, Jodie. First time my ex EUM did this I was floored, same as you. I didn’t leave it at that as I should have done, so I got used to it. It became the norm – he came and then he went, a veritable little willo-the-wisp.
      Read Nat’s posts on how to spot Mr Unavailable – disappearing without a word, especially when things appear to be “going well”, is what they do.

    • Natasha says:

      “Can anyone understand how frustrating that feels? ”

      Oh Jodie, we can ALL understand how that feels! The fact that he pulled a disappearing act shows that a relationship with him was a non-starter. I was in a very similar situation and I went through the, “What did I DO?!” phase as well. It’s natural and it will pass. The bottom line is, short of someone being abusive, there is no good excuse for disappearing from a relationship. When he inevitably turns up again, don’t respond. I can tell you from experience that the disappearing act is rarely (and by rarely, I mean just about never) a one-off. In my case, the guy also disappeared during the holidays, so I know how awful it feels. The best advice I can give is to enjoy the company of your family and friends and know that there is WAY better out there for you!

    • NCC says:

      it absolutely is frusertating and confusing (to put it lightly) when someone just disappears. We want to make sense out of it, that is totally normal. I wanted to lend you advice based on what i’ve been through. This last one wasn’t so much just a straight up disappearing act, but i can’t lie, my dating past it riddled with crappy scenarios (and now why i want to change!) but they all start to sort of add up to the same thing, i’m not getting what I want and i’m allowing it to happen. I think that’s part of what everyone on BR talks about as having our last straw/ephiphany moments. For me anyway, adding up all these crappy scenarios, maybe that’s helped me in this last crappy scenario. Trust me i still ask WHY again! WHY did this man who I thought loved me have me move in, only to be a total passive aggressive AC with a completely different agenda behind my back!!!??? ARGH!! (but thanks to BR I have a lot more answers) Jodie, if this guy comes back around and has some awesome excuse as to why he didn’t call or answer (and for us, the excuse doesn’t even have to be awesome!) please don’t listen. There ARE other ways to get a hold of someone, I’m so SICK of men not even bothering to MEMORIZE my number? “oh it’s just saved in my phone.” THAT is a red flag of a lazy lazy unaccountable man! B to the S!!!! Not to mention, you might not want to be involved with a guy who lets say, can’t pay his cell phone bill, “loses” his phone a lot, doesn’t answer his phone for two days, was in jail (trust me i’ve heard them all). The men who this stuff “happens” to, are not worth your time! Wouldn’t you find another way to contact this guy lets say if something happened and you didn’t have your phone? Doubtful you would leave him hanging and wondering.

    • grace says:

      jodie
      you didn’t do anything wrong. he would be the same with any girl.
      i think maybe you do crave male attention – two ACs/EUMs would indicate so. it doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you, you just need to get yourself to a happy place so you make better decisions and don’t need to look outside of yourself for approval.
      You’re swept up by the promises and the seduction, rather than looking for something solid.
      28 is still very young.

      • ixnay says:

        Yeah, 28 is so young I think back on relationships that age and younger and think, we didn’t know what the hell we were doing, we were just so young.

        Also, age is so weirdly relative. i had a boyfriend who was 21 when I was 23. He used to say, ‘Maybe you’re just too OLD for me!” And I would feel like an ancient hag. That is very funny to me now.

      • Lynda from L says:

        Jodie, hard and crazy mad as it may seem he left because you were getting on well..because plans might have been getting discussed, because there may have been a move forward. This is what emotionally unavailable people do. He would have being asked to step up, man up. He can’t do that. You cannot help him do that. He is and remains separate to you.
        Actually, the more you attempt to do so, the more he will abdicate the situ.Sorry but he needs to get it for himself and most of them don’t.
        You are young. Believe me,take time,invest in you,what makes you happy..make yourself curious or interested in something else.
        Don’t mope. See people who make you think and laugh. See the future as stretching out before you. Leave him be.

  13. Used says:

    I read this blog and apply what I read to friends, relatives, acquaintances, and work-colleagues. It helps. A lot of the people around me, and who have been around me, are, or have always been, ACs.

    I want to let you know that I am out, at the other side. Pretty much 100%. It took a while, and I don’t know fully how it happened, but I do know that reading this blog + seeing how others react to my child’s existence in this world have shown me a lot of human behavior, why people do what they do, and how badly people can act. It is true that the birth of a child represents a rebirth of your own life, in many ways. I am thankful to God that this little guy is in my life. I call him “Angel Baby” all of the time.

    I thank you all, esp. Grace, Fearless, Magnolia, Natasha, and Allison for your advice and insights!

    People, key is getting out and meeting people of all kinds in all kinds of different venues.

    I can not wait for the New Year to come. For tomorrow to come.

    Good night, and Happy Holidays!

  14. jodie says:

    Hey

    Thank you all for your replies. I read every one over and over and I cant be more grateful for your advice. Especially NCC – it really made me think when you said what would I do and how would I get hold of him if I had lost my own phone? And I know that I would of done anything in my power to get hold of him. He cant do the same for me and that speaks for itself. This morning I woke up and instead of feeling that awful sadness where I didnt even want to get out of bed, I felt happier and more clear headed, ready to get on with the day. I feel stronger somehow. Ive deleted him from facebook, and deleted his number and all the texts that he had sent me. There is no trace of him at all in my life. I dont think I would of been able to do that without finding this site and reading the advice, so thank you xxxx

  15. Sadness says:

    This blog is so helpful. I have so much to learn.

    • runnergirlno1 says:

      Sadness,
      There is a ton to learn and there is no better place than BR to learn it. Order Natalie’s book Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl as soon as you can. Natalie is brilliant and this blog attracts totally awesome people. Just bolt and seal shut the NC door for now. Read BR religiously, read Natalie’s books and within a few months of NC, you’ll have a very different perspective. There will be no going back.
      You are worth a few months, right? Invest a few months in yourself instead of a him. It’s amazing what a few months can do.
      BR totally changed my life. I started slowly, reluctantly, and resisted every step of the way. Then there was a line: No going back. Keep reading BR.

  16. Fresh start says:

    Hey ladies, I’ve been NC for 6 weeks with my ex MM and there’s been ups and downs but I’m still hanging on in there. I don’t know what I expected to feel at this stage but if I’m truly honest with myself – I still love him. There, I’ve said it. I’ve gone through the stages of feeling very upset, then I’ve gone through a phase of feeling absolutely furious and angry with him, and here I am….I still love him!???

    We have several mutual friends and I know it’s inevitable that at some point I’m going to see him or be somewhere that he is.

    I’m doing all I can to maintain no contact – there’s an event arranged for the end of Feb (through mutual friends) and I’ve had to come up with an excuse as to why I can’t go as I don’t want to see him. What I’m utterly terrified of is however, that when the time comes that I do see him (and there’s no avoiding it unless I dump several friends and social circles which I had before he and I got together) is that all of the feelings are still there, and that they come flooding back!?

    Is anyone else feeling the same??

    xxx

    • runnergirlno1 says:

      Fresh start,
      I felt the same. Congratulations on 6 weeks NC. Good for you and that is a great start. For me, 6 weeks of NC was major progress and I struggled every day. However as I discovered, 6 weeks is still early in the grieving process, at least it was for me. I still thought I loved him too but after many more months and tons of posts on BR, I realized I mostly loved the illusion of him I had created in my mind. I flipped between sadness, anger, and denial for many, many months grieving the loss of the illusion. You really do have to keep the door closed and sealed shut as Nat says. I learned the hard way. One small crack and he slipped right back in and I was spinning in the rabbit hole before I knew what hit me.
      Oddly after 6 months of NC, I’m going to have to see the married assclown at an event in mid-Feb. I’m hoping he attends with his wife! Of course, he won’t. But I will now see him for what he is, a married man who lies to his wife and lied to me as well. Thank you Natalie and BR.
      Always remember Fresh start, he has a WIFE and it isn’t you: Topline. Another thing about sealing the door shut, if he cheated with you, he could cheat on you. GLUE your door shut ASAP.

  17. Leavingya says:

    One week ago I left my EUM. He hasn’t contacted me ‘yet,’ but we’ve done this dance so many times, I know it’s just a matter of time. When he pulled away this time, something happened in my head and I said, “that’s it, I’m done.” It hurt like hell but then I did something. I had bought a book called Instant Self Hypnosis, to help me stop smoking. It worked – so then I thought why not create a script to stop me from missing my EUM. Guess what it worked. I had to do it 7-8 times but part of my script is that my feelings are gone. I feel completely indifferent. Hypnosis is a great tool – it’s kind of like you tell your sub-conscious mind what to do and it obeys…. it worked for me – if you feel like the pain is so great and you need it to stop because it’s wrecking havoc in your life – give it a shot.

  18. Fresh Start says:

    Hey runnergirlno1,

    Thank you, thank you, thank you – you’re words are so powerful to me at this moment and this is exactly what I need to hear, and remind myself of!

    I think I almost felt as though I was failing at the NC thing given that I felt like only what can be described as a pinbal,l going from love, to hurt, to anger to sadness and back to love, and that it meant I wasn’t succeeding and that something wasn’t working. I guess I need to realise that the situation didn’t happen overnight and therefore will not disappear overnight either but that progress is being made and it will get easier.

    I’m lucky that I have some awesome friends and family who I’ve been able to talk to and they have been a huge strength to me, and I know that one day I’ll just look back at the whole episode and think ‘what was I thinking’!!

    Thank you again, and well done to you for having such strength to get to where you are! It’s inspiring! I hope the event in Feb goes well, and all I’d say to your ex MM is “watch out buddy, mamma’s got a brand new bag…..and attitude to match” ;0)

    xxx

  19. Infinite Corridor says:

    This really reasonated with me today. I’m doing my damndest to make NC happen, and my streaks are getting longer, but I recently “relapsed.” I was feeling very cool and confident and thought I would be in control of the exchange. I was wrong. No matter that I told him all about himself, and used a lot of 4 letter words– it made all the old feelings of helplessness and “love” for this person who has repeatedly emotionally abused, cheated on, degraded and humiliated me come back. I asked him, what is the purpose of contacting me over and over like this? He said, I don’t believe that you really want me to leave you alone.

    And why should he? I’ve responded to his BS for so long, saying I want it to end, and then talking to him anyway, that my words carry no meaning. The key to good writing, they say, is “Show, don’t tell.”

    As NC has gone on, and I have more time in between my thoughts and his actions, (that is, when I don’t kneejerk react and give him what he wants), I have realized what an UNsophisticated manipulator he really is. There is no intelligence or elegance in his manipulation, he truly is trying every single key he can. It started with insults, to talking about a new girl to make me jealous, to I love you let’s get back together. How does one progress through all those feelings in a few days time? That’s how a crazy person acts! If you are feeling discouraged in NC, just give yourself a month or so of distance (surely you’ve suffered longer than that already) and get some perspective on how truly silly and like spoiled children these men are acting.

  20. SerenityOf TheHeart says:

    Just wanted to say…..THANK YOU!!! Finally a sight after searching since the last go around w/ ex husband that I can tell will help support my NC decision. My divorce was final 8 mths ago but we still commenced a yo yo relationship. We have no children together, but he has used my son’s attachment to him as a ‘power struggle’ w/ me. This no longer worked so he has continued to move down the line of bogus reasons for this n that.

    Wow just wow…I knew others would be going through the same as me but to finally actually find a place where ‘we’ can blog is sooo…..refreshing. So comfortable enough that I’m typing this at work and trying not to let the tears roll! thank you

My Book - Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl

Stop believing that you did something to make them unavailable or that their inadequacies are down to your inadequacies - it is not about you; they are unavailable!

My Book - Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl

Stop believing that you did something to make them unavailable or that their inadequacies are down to your inadequacies - it is not about you; they are unavailable!