This one just kicked me in the guts. It’s amazing how dead-on all of this was! Changed my perspective *seriously*. THANKS SO MUCH.

~RuDee

On a few occassions I would end the realtionship, then he would come back, I would be grateful to have him back and the cycle would start all over again. Once we were apart for three months and he never made any real effort to see me or make the relationship work. He would sporadically send me text messages claiming his love and saying how much he missed me – never any real effort. I saw him and all those feelings and emotions came flooding back. I thought that he must still care about me because he spoke to me and seemed to want me back. But I would be cautious. We had a ‘talk’ that as usual, led no where except in his bed when we had sex. There he whispered that he was ‘so sorry’ and that he ‘missed me.’

And I accepted him back. He didn’t have to do anything more.

Fast forward four months later and of course, the issues are still there as they haven’t been resolved. In frustration and to save my sanity, I called it quits (to myself) and began making myself unavailable, not taking calls and really trying to get over the $hit for a relationship when…

I found out I was pregnant.

What should have been a joyous occasion for me was sad as I KNEW that he would be a lousy father and I couldn’t bear the thought of him in my life forever. I thought about terminating the pregnancy but that decision was made for me when I miscarried. It took all this for me to realise the following:

1. I was normalising his bad behaviour to the point that he would have to do something really MAJOR to get my attention.

2. I lost myself along the way.

3. I was an emotional wreck

4. I had no boundaries

5. That I was worth little to him. Worse, my behavior was screaming that I didn’t mind.

5. Just like him, I would say one thing & do another (i.e say I’m done with the relationship but keep going back to him)

Mr. Unavailable had a way of making me feel that it was all my fault that the relationship wasn’t progressing and I in turn would try harder. He never acknoweldged my feelings or tried to make the relationship work. And after an argument or if he had hurt my feelings, he would act as IF NOTHING HAD HAPPENED. And I started to doubt myself.

However, there was no doubt that I was pregant. I didn’t imagine that!There was no doubt that when I lost the baby he NEVER comforted me. I had to learn the hard way about EUM’s and I hope that my story can help someone else. These types of men

1. Do not have your best interest in heart
2. Will not change
3. Trying harder with these men in relationships won’t get you anywhere
4. The bad behaviour can and does escalate
5. Don’t expect any closure from them
6. Talking about your feelings, how they hurt you, saying you love them blah blah blah means nothing. They DON”T CARE.

I regret that I had to hurt myself like this to FINALLY get it through my head that he treated me badly and worse, how much I put up with.

The issue I see is respect. Defending yourself is important, it shows good self knowledge and acceptance of your responsibility for yourself and others.

Avoiding responsibility is a fear reaction, and is profoundly disrespectful. My only question is – instead of focusing on the line he spun out showing you to blame, why didn’t you react, in anger, at the disrespect he showed when he failed to take responsibility for his actions, or when he did anything to make you feel bad? Usually the words are much less important than the actions. The bozo you describe acted disrespectfully and irresponsibly. So, why would a reasonable person allow a lump of character flaws like that to darken their doorway? I can’t think that anyone could confuse a bozo like yours with someone that would improve their shared life.

I am still not sure if I had/have an ass clown. I had a non-ass clown long-term relationship years ago, but it broke up because of geography. I started dating my “is he an ass-clown” three months ago. The first month was fantastic — he was attentive and good to me. Then he had to go away for the summer and we kept in amazing touch via the phone and text. Admittedly the text was heavier than the phone. But I felt like we were continuing to get close and we talked about how happy/healthy we felt things were going.

Things changed the instant he got home. He’s a famous person and very busy with his schedule and demands on his time. He’s also an introvert. He came home and rather than see me, he continued to behave as though he was still away — calling and texting me rather than SEEING me. It was getting so confusing for me. I asked him if he wanted “out” of “us” and he said “no, of course not.” He told me that his schedule is too busy right now and asked if we could leave things for a month. I really like him and I sort-of agreed. But then a few days went by and I felt awful he wasn’t making an effort, no matter how busy his schedule (he was still texting).

He’s a really good man. He’s intelligent, charming, attentive when he has time…I’m on day four of no contact (I took him off my phone because I was so confused by his about-face) and I’m missing him terribly.

Any thoughts or advice?

Thanks.

Keep reading the posts, and NML’s ebook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. There is even more hope here – you can learn how to notice and attract a healthy man for a real relationship, while at the same time learn to dump the bozos and perpetual daters before they get to first base.

It isn’t easy, and involves improving your self esteem and setting appropriate boundaries.

Luck!
.-= Brad K.´s last blog ..ps: Empowering girls, and self confidence =-.

I was always there for him, grant it, I made some of the relationship difficult, but what woman wouldn’t in this situation. About 5 months ago, we finally went different ways. The relationship wasn’t going anywhere. He immediately met someone else and jumped into a relationshp with her. I was fine with that. But then, he sends me a text about 3 weeks ago asking to “date me unguarded”. Ididot me, I gave in. I asked him first if he was still seeing this other woman (remember – he isn’t divorced yet) and he said “yes, but I will end it”. He even sent a text to my older brother telling him he wanted to get back in my life. That was so out of character for him… it was… caring. Well, 3 weeks later (present day) and he is still seeing the other girl. I drove past his house twice, she was over. He is letting her do things for him over me. I have opened myself back up to him only to discover that he wasn’t as serious about me back in his life as he declared. Oh, and to make matters worse – I had to hear how angry he was at himself for texting my brother… he felt he didn’t need anyones permission to date me and how dumb was he…

That was the AC I knew. And for a brief second, I was almost fooled. Once I heard the anger and his bitterness, I was slapped back to my AC’s ways. I know what I deserve, and I know this isn’t it. More then anything, I am upset at myself for letting him back in. I have cut contact with him and am not picking up the pieces again. I was 19 when I started my relationship with this man and I am now 26. I have spent the most vital years with him…

This site is really teaching me that it wasn’t me – it was him. He was the EUM. I did everything I could, more then most women would do. He is going to have a miserable life ahead of me… but not me, I’m looking ahead. Not back.

I just wanted to comment on one thing:
“I believed I could have a “friends with benefits” type of thing with him and thought I was mature enough to handle something like this! What a fool am I!”

Why do people think that a “friends with benefits” type thing is so “mature?” I think of it as something that 20-somethings are likely to do. And the 40-year olds that I know, that are capable of it and engaging in it, are emotionally stunted people that, to use a common NML phrase, “don’t know their arse from their elbow.” I’ve had the “pleasure” of meeting some recently – not to mention my xeum/AC – and honestly, they are people for whom I have absolutely no admiration. They are certainly not mature, or nearly as cool as they think they are.

Don’t beat yourself up for not being able, in your forties especially, to feel good with a “friends with benefits” situation. I think our values as a culture are incredibly skewed. And would not want to be the type of person who could do this!

Luv.

Now, short version of the back story; recently escaped from an emotionally abusive man that I was engaged to, jumped staight into the next thing that came along (lasted 5 weeks), thought I was so clever at recognising the red flags, which is why it only lasted 5 weeks. But lo and behold, after denying initial contact with EUM, contacted him knowing full well how little he could offer me.

I believed I could have a “friends with benefits” type of thing with him and thought I was mature enough to handle something like this! What a fool am I! I am in my forties, intelligent, attractive, fun, adventurous but I have had two marriages and one engagement as well as other relationships in between.

It is becoming clear that although my self esteem and respect have grown significantly in the past 10 years, I still have a way to go. Especially in regards to relationships!

Thank you for my moment of clarity

I know how difficult it is to break up with a MM. I ended my “relationship” a little over 3 weeks ago, and it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I was with him for 14 months, and what made me “finally snap” was realizing that I would never be a priority for him, that he mostly wanted me to fulfill his own physical needs, and that he could not express his feelings for me. He could not tell me ways that he valued me as a person, just physical attributes. I also knew he would never leave his wife and I was sick of waiting for him to call, email, chat online, or basically communicate with me so I could feel “connected”. I was stressed and miserable waiting all the time. I also felt guilty for the possible consequences for innocent people if our affair was discovered. Reading many posts on this site was also helpful. I kind of did a version of the “get out plan” instead of going NC cold turkey, and I did actually break up with him over the phone. You can always come to this site for support. The fastest way to get feedback is usually commenting on the most recent post (which is “compatibility and type part 3” – or something similar – right now). I agree with others on here that being alone is better than accepting crumbs from a MM, especially one who has many partners!!!! Good luck with your decision.

read read read this site. Read to hear the stories of all the women here, like you who want something more than what they have. Read NML’s book. Hopefully you will come to the conclusion that what you have with this man is nothing but heartache and wanting and wishing. Lots of us have had the same fear and have learned that it is to be better, way better, to be alone than in an unsatisfying relationship. There is also plenty to learn about why you might chose such a fantasy life and the damage that choice does to one’s self esteem.

You defined it well, you are under a spell.It can take weeks or months of being away from the EUM to break that spell but once you get through the first few weeks of No Contact you will hopefully know that it is best for you. And that will give you the motivation to continue staying away.

I think most of us who post here would never go back to an EUM. We read to keep us on the sane path, and to understand how we can become entranced. We keep reading and posting to retrain ourselves, and our incredible abilities to indulge in rich fantasies. For me the goal now is to learn to spot unhealthy relationships from the beginning when it is easy to get out. I have learned so much from the EUM experience and the help of this site.

Good luck.