When we’re out of the relationship, we obsess about what we coulda, woulda, should’ve done. Even when he’s moved on, on another emotional planet, or a complete and utter assclown, we then spend time obsessing, again to stop ourselves from moving on but also because we are looking for reasons to blame ourselves for the relationship ending.
Why? Because if we can find a reason that we can attach to ourselves and say ‘Bingo! It’s me!’ then we can convince ourselves that we have the reason for why things haven’t worked out, and the solution that can ‘fix’ our problems.
The thing is…despite of all this talking and obsessing, nothing really comes of it.
In fact, many of us become the equivalent of a crime scene investigator with a room overflowing with evidence of why the relationship didn’t work and more interestingly, why he’s not the right person for us. Instead of processing our ‘findings’ though, we often acknowledge what each individual piece means and then instead of piecing all of the evidence together, drawing a conclusion and closing our case, we opt to continue obsessing and keep hunting for more evidence.
We don’t want to let go. We don’t want it to end. We don’t want to acknowledge.
The scary thing that that this can often reveal is that even though we have our own issues that need to be acknowledged and dealt with, a large part of the reason why we become trapped in obsessing is that we can’t find a concrete reason that we can latch onto and come up with a ‘fix’.
One woman I speak with has so much evidence and is doing exactly what I have just described and eventually she’s had to acknowledge that a huge part of her frustration and obsession is being caused by the fact that despite months of being in limbo and trying to hunt down clues and amassing a wealth of overriding evidence that shows not only that the relationship was doomed to fail and that he was an assclown, she still has not found a piece of evidence in all of this that she can leap on and claim as hers and fix.
Whatever her own issues are, everything that she has uncovered cannot disguise the fact that she was in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable man with a penchant for lies and exaggeration, that’s behaved like an assclown, moved on whilst he was still in the relationship, and who got a kick out of taking chips out of her self-esteem.
He was this man in the relationship, before the relationship, and unless he has his own epiphany and changes his ways, is going to be this man in the future.
This is what it is like for every woman who gets involved with a Mr Unavailable or an assclown – you cannot make it your job to save them, or fix, heal, or help them.
You can’t place yourself in the centre of their disconnected universe and decide that you are the source of the problem (it’s something I’ve done that’s making him this way) or that you’re the solution (he just needs the love of a good woman like me and if I can just get him to see that that’s me…).
It’s not all about you – it’s often about them and you’re assuming the reins for things that are beyond your control and that you wouldn’t want to fix, heal, or help if you had healthier ideas about yourself, love, and relationships.
As I’ve said before, if you spend the great majority of your time and brain energy talking and thinking, you are a person of inaction. You’ll be able to recognise that you are when you look back on all of the discussions, explaining, defining the relationship talks, arguments, pleadings, thinking, thinking, and more thinking and realise that nothing has really changed. You’ve become someone who not only talks and thinks a good game, but is in danger of mirroring some of the very behaviour from the men in your relationships. We can’t lament their lack of inaction if we’re not prepared to unmask and let go of our own inaction.
We use talking and thinking too much to mask our true inaction because if we put ourselves in the position of actually doing something we would have to deal with confronting uncomfortable things about ourselves and/or be in the driving seat of our own lives rather than place the responsibility on someone else.
What we don’t realise is that even if we do place the responsibility for our happiness (or misery) on someone else, it doesn’t change the fact that we’re still responsible for us.
Quite frankly, you can think all you want to think about him but it’s not going to change anything and the scary thing is that one day you wake up and realise that life for you, has come to a standstill whilst you’ve wallowed in your pain, overthinking, and indecision, and he’s off living his life.
If you profess that you want to be personally happy and to be in a positive relationship with someone, you have to realise that you must process your relationship – that’s acknowledge the good, the bad, and the ugly, grieve it, let go and move on.
How much evidence are you sitting on? How about weighing it up, processing it, and drawing a conclusion so that you can give yourself closure? How about putting yourself in the position of having to either do something, or stop talking and thinking?
Your thoughts?
Get ahead on understanding waste of space men and relationships with my ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download. Also find out more about my No Contact Rule web seminar, or if you need personal advice or analysis of your relationship, check out my consultation service.
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NML You Rock! I was dumped…by the disappearing act. Awful…I think it is absolutely the worst way anyone should be treated in ANY relationship. It was over three months ago. Without long details…this guy was so into me…I remained calm and cool about it but in my head I really though THIS was the man that was going to ‘be the one and my life would never be the same” BOY WAS I CORRECT – my life will never be the same but not in the way I originally thought. He completely ignored my texts, calls for a week until it dawned on me…since then I got week and texted twice…no response. I am at the point that I do not look at the phone, do not expect a call or text – and not crying every day. The dark cloud does not follow me as heavy as it did before…but it is still there. The secret here – and with help from reading every post in this blog to help heal…is to focus on nurturing yourself, and if you do decide to focus on what happened…focus on HIS weakness or HIS inability to commit or HIS shortcomings and trying to find a balance and not becoming a skeptical, hard woman…but at the same time…not being a door mat. Now that the cloud is starting to lift a bit…I can see how I have made these patterns over my life…hide away for awhile…then subconsiously start another pattern with the same guy in a different body. Obsessing about it is not going to help with the situation at hand…and to help with issues. There is too many great things in life to grab hold of…instead of slipping into this misery. Easier said than done at some moments…but eventually it gets better.
Exactly. All the thinking and talking in the world wont make you get off your butt and actually DO something.
I’ve found myself in this exact rut. I talk a good game, but hey! I’m still with this guy (after almost 3 years). There is no benefit for me to stay with him, I just stay.
All the evidence is in: this AC is my priority; for him, I’m an option. I know the deal – I know this is killing me and I don’t take action. So, off to the therapist I go! Sometimes we all need help.
Kimba,
Were there any red flags in the relationship?
annied…I stayed with a guy for years…YEARS (not my recent assclown) He was a good guy…severe AC at the beginning but changed enough to have a decent relationship..believe it or not. THEN it was me…ME the AC that I am just starting to realize. Engaged but not married – for years. I liked the comfort of the relationship. Like the security. Liked the life. Looking back I realize I was focusing on making HIS life better…his everything. Almost as if I was waiting for something BIG to happen to get me off my ass…I wanted him to screw up AGAIN…something BIG to give me an excuse to want to walk. Please realize this “that something big” is YOU. Don’t let it come to his behavior making you walk out for good…or god forbid…a life altering situation (death of a family member, illness…etc.) Do not be afraid of being alone…trust me…you will not be. Start preparing yourself now to get out…get yourself back…and becomet that warm confident happy person that you buried under this relationship….Everyone should ask the question of their AC: Why are you with me? really. If the response is “Because I love you” You ask “why do you love me?” and know the true answers to those questions if your ‘partner’ asks the same…reality will hit.
this article is very true! I was with a guy for one year and for most of the relationship all we did was, argue, obsessing, overtalking, me explaining, me pleading, me degrading myself, which in turn gave him the opportunity to then take advantage of me emotionally.
Me being thick in the brain thought that I could maybe fix things, since OBVIOUSLY its ALL MY FAULT! I’m the one who’s being needy and insecure, and he’s telling me that there’s no need to be that way, but I AM the one who’s causing all the arguments… Blah Blah Blah….
Long story short.. we broke up about a month ago, didn’t speak, I was getting word back from different sources that he was with a “friend” whom he claimed was “like a sister”. So once again, i went into overdrive, overthinking, talking, explaining why I was a better woman and that I loved him sooooo much… Did it make a difference? NO! Now looking back, i thought it did. But it didnt., he actually made me feel worse. He eventually admitted to me last week that he was with her but he didnt really care for her. He was only with her to get over me. Whatever… I didnt even need him to tell me that much, I already knew. And instead of me just looking at the situation logically i went into overdrive trying to piece every little bit of the relationship until i finally realized……
Its not me.. Its about him. He has had a history of being very disrespectful to women, down to his own mother. He did it to me and he’ll do it to the next until HE realizes that he needs to look within. I obsessed that i needed his validation to continue on in life. But when i got the validation of what i wanted to know, i still felt like Hot trash in the summer sun.. STANK! Why am i obsessing over why it ended or why he left me and two weeks later he’s with someone else on myspace claiming he’s now with the love of his life? He’s not proving anything but that he’s emotionally weak and insecure. He’s looking to validate the creep he is with someone who openly accepts him.
So as i tell my own children, you can only look out for yourself. Now I’m looking out for myself and my own well-being. I saw myself in him. And I didnt like what I saw, but i was scared to change it so I continued to accept it until he left and i had no choice but to realize it. So I’m kinda happy he did leave. Yes, i still analyze things about the relationship, but in a different way. I see the things that weren’t really right with the relationship from the start especially when I knew that i wasnt having a healthy view of myself or love in the first place. And i hope i can learn from the mistakes I’ve made and not make them again…
I dont plan on dating anytime soon tho until i get myself right first! LOL!!!
NML writes
“You’ve become someone who not only talks and thinks a good game, but is in danger of mirroring some of the very behaviour from the men in your relationships. We can’t lament their lack of inaction if we’re not prepared to unmask and let go of our own inaction.”
Wow, is this relevant. There is a book with a great title called Action; nothing happens until something moves. I knew I was becoming lazy in my head and life, dealing with the EUM I was involved with, but I never really realized I was acting just like him till I read this post.
The thing that drove me craziest about him was his unwillingness to take action to change or improve his life that he was not so happy with. Reading this post was another aha, and aha’s are pretty helpful to me in my processing.
This post wisely recognizes the conflict…the assclown makes the silly, sad behavior we hate so obvious – laziness, indecisiveness and inaction, and then we become that very same way dealing with them. I found that indecisive behavior can end up pretty addicting.
This is why No Contact feels so right and is so hard at the same time; it is hard work to change but we do know what’s best for us. It is easier to sit and obsess and fantasize and blame someone who is not very nice, than it is to get up and get going , take real action, leave them behind and get on with my own work. And by work I mean it all…both my physical and emotional work.
What an epiphany that we end up with very same problem within us..we are acting in much the same way that we hate about them. lazy and indecisive about not getting to work doing the things that will improve our life. All talk and no action.
In this case the sad fact is the hard work most often is to let go of a person who wants to keep us in their life, who may have even asked us for help, but cannot be helped or give us even a small amount of what is needed in a mature reciprocal relationship.
Somehow this dynamic seems to transmit their very energy of inaction to us. Takes a lot of strength to say enough, and even more strength to take action and get your life back on track.
For me, the change is not instantaneous. I feel I am in a transition phase, moving from a state of confused inaction to getting my groove back. Any and all signs of progress are good.
Great call, great post. Thank you.
Aphrogirl: what you said ” let go of a person who wants to keep us in their life, who may have even asked us for help, but cannot be helped or give us even a small amount of what is needed in a mature reciprocal relationship” describes where I’ve been for a long time. I’ve almost been brainwashed into believing that he needs me just to have some kind of life that’s worthwhile.
Kimba: I did what you said, I asked my AC “why are you with me?” I didnt even get an ‘I love you’. I got, “because I like you a lot, you are nice and take care of me.” CRAP! After that I asked him if he thought I was his Love or his freakin Nurse. No response.
He laid it all out in front of me. Do I want to give my love (and plenty of it) to a guy who says that? After 2+ years? No way, but I’m still hanging on. Sound familiar?
Annied,
Why are you hanging around? You know this is a no-win situation, why prolong the inevitable? Be proactive!!!!
Gaynor: That is the very reason I’m having to get myself into therapy. I can’t do it. I’ve tried over and over again. I’m not ashamed to ask for help. I know I’m in dire need.
I was just looking back over one of the IM’s between the AC and me right before we got back together this last time. When I blasted him about dumping me, he said: “I have never done it actually wanting to lose you tho in my defense” and even: “I think you should just keep lovin on me no matter what I say” …
How does a person even wrap their mind around something like that? I’m so confused. I need help to get outta this.
With due respect I think it’s important to remember that we all proceed and move on in different ways and at different paces. We may well know things logically, but it does take more time for our emotions to catch up some of the time.
It’s about conditioning and that takes time for most of us. Noone here should feel hurried (or even ashamed, come to that) that we are not leaving at the minute we *know* someone is not ‘right’ for us.
Just my towpenneth, hope noone minds.
Lina’s last blog post..Obsessing & Overthinking – Processing the Evidence of your Relationship So You Can Move On
Gaynor: Can I assume, based on your past comments to me and others, that you have moved past your ACs, past your own issues, and no longer obsess and overthink?
Can I also assume that you are in a healthy and reciprocal relationship?
Because, if that is truly the case, then please, provide the rest of us with the roadmap that you created to get past the broken heart so that in the future, we won’t backtrack.
Lina wrote that everyone of us will have a different and unique path to getting better, but since some of us have never been down this path of the AC before, it will take longer to heal, as there was no prior experience on which to grow. And for me, sarcasm does not help.
It might help others, but it only wounds me more. Sarcasm is great in the right context, but in the case of my AC, it was one of his very sharp tools of the “stay away from my heart” type.
Annied, I think it is very brave of you to start therapy. Although it will most likely be a difficult journey at times, in the end it´s a gift to yourself.
I have been in therapy for a year for different issues and still got involved with an EUM. So at first I thought how did this happen? Didn´t therapy make me a stronger person with more selfrespect? But it did. I got out after 2 months, before it devastated me. That´s progress. And at one point I will get out after one date. It is a process and guilt is not what we need on a journey to more selflove.
You asked if there were red flags…at the beginning…absolutely not. He always seemed a little shy or apprehensive with me…as if he did not want to take a chance and get rejected. The only red flag was…and it is a biggy…was towards the end we were discussing taking a vacation together and he got a business call he had to take…did not hear back from him for three days. On the vacation he actually opened up the ‘relationship can of worms’ after a few drinks – he brought up the fact he did not call me for three days and apologized. Looking back after reading all these posts…I realize that he was 3 years out of a divorce – and not quite over it…college sweetheart, cleaned him out financially (but he is still doing ok) then he changed jobs…he has the opportunity to meet lots of women with his work…travels alot with his job. I honestly think he, like many men, can compartmentalize relationships – especially if they travel. I honestly don’t know if I was ‘played’ the entire time or if he just shut down. I have no idea who I got to know – never would I ever believe he would kick me to the curb without a word.
Alexandria ~~ AMEN!
Your 4th paragraph explains it all, and it’s exactly where I was about 7 months ago. We keep thinking it’s us, that if we morph them, treat them right, plead with them to hear us out that something will change. It only makes things worse, because we are taking on our shortcomings along with the EUM and sweeping our issues under a rug and only focusing on them. It’s wrong, and now you know it and seem like you’re on the right track.
I suffered like you, but now feel so much better and even now when I think about him or the situation I see things from another perspective, a higher perspective of how bad he was for me in the first place. I just refused to see it.
Stay strong and keep up the good work on and about yourself.
What I realised that these EUMs never change…never…
I know that as I am EU myself, that’s why I always stuck with EUMs, because they attract me and my life with them so “exciting”…I met so many nice guys, who wanted to be with me, but I deliberately avoid them…NOW I know why…
NML spot on again, we need to take a responsibility for ourselves…
oh yeah.. the excitement. Or the drama which is perhaps a better word for it. Very addictive. Or familiar. I don´t know. I just know that from now on I want excitement in every part of my life except in my relationship. That should be a safe haven to come home to after my exciting day. Or someone to enter the exciting world with together, as a team. We were looking for excitement in the wrong places.
Spot on NML.
elizabeth: Gaynor is not being sarcasstic at all and I understand why you feel this way. I/she was in the same boat like all the other readers at one time and we are just further along at this point, that this all, really.
If we wouldn’t care, we would not post here.
No, that does not mean we are in a wonderful relationship and have a road map, now you are being sarcasstic and that is O.K.
Just because I know that if I put my hand on the stove it will burn, does not mean I am trying to find a way to touch that stove again and not get burned.
I am not posting that much anymore, still read here,love this website, because I know that some of my comments in the past readers took the wrong way, I know that people heal at their own pace, but I got some tough love here and with my friends and family as well.
When NML advised me over a year ago with my situation, yeah, it hurt, but I knew she was right.
Tough love is important and at this stage in your life, believe me you will look back one day and appreciate it!
I feel the most important thing to do is: No Contact, stop thinking and talking, like NML said OR do something.
That is what I did, first I stopped contacting him, removed myself and then took the next steps, one at a time.
annied: I hope you understand that a Theraphist will not be weaning you of this guy, right? She/He will tell you that your FIRST step will be:
CUT CONTACT WITH HIM. Don’t expect that a Therapist will get you unhooked from him, YOU have to do that. They will guide you, but if you don’t cut contact once you start Therapy, you will waste your money and time.
Try to find a good Therapist, somebody that understands Personalty Disorders and be open to work with the Therapist and make sure you understand that these sessions are about YOU, not HIM!
I have read a lot of your posts and truly wish for you that you can get away from this “thing”
Lina, I agree with you, nobody should be hurried or ashamed and as long as the first step in the “recovery” is: NO CONTACT.
I am speaking from experience, if you don’t remove yourself from the situation a 100%, you can’t move on or even heal, it is not possible.
Have you seen the commercials from Weight Watchers lately?
This “orange fluffy” temptation? I love it, he throws the donuts, backs up the truck full of candy, anything he can do to sabotage your diet.
That is how I feel about these men, throwing crumbs.
truthhurts: no, Therapy does not make you a stronger person, but more aware about yourself, it will not “protect” you from another AC,
of course not, but you realized he was another AC and got out, right?
That is all that matters.
So, for every new reader here, cut contact first and come here and vent.
Wow. Well said. I tend to do this… and its so nice to know that others do it too.
Processing, grieving and letting go.
Thanks for the reminder.
T’s last blog post..An insight on love
Annied,
I sounds like a positive move to get into therapy to discover why you are unable to move on from this man.
I’m wishing you all the best!!!!!
Hello,
Just wanted to say that I’m glad my comment was taken so well. The last thing I want/wanted was to cause some kind of furore, as I love this site and those who frequent it. There’s so much wisdom here, it’s been said before, but I do think it’s worth reiterating!
NML has written about this I believe, in her page about site rules or the like. With respect, I do feel sometimes that a little gentleness will go a long way as many of us here are a little raw still (or a lot) from past hurts or we may be struggling as we write. I am not out of the woods yet mysef. I think that given what this site is about we need to continue being loving and caring towards one another. We are emotionally in different places after all, and not all of us respond well to what is called ‘tough love’.
So big thanks to those of you who constantly share and in doing so, lets us all grow and move past the hurt towards healing
Elizabeth,
Thank God, I have moved passed this fool
I believe it has been about seven months since I split with him, why would I waste another ounce of energy obsessing over him?
This man was my first AC relationship as well as my first love (sad huh). This was the most hurtful situation I have ever dealt with, not only was my self-esteem shattered, my heart broken but I also lost an incredible amount of weight (unhealthy loss). So yes, I suffered as all the others have suffered on here but I have learned from this site and others that I had to move on with my life and continue to grow and learn from my past mistakes, if I don’t learn I will be right back where I started.
My comments are not meant to be sarcastic. Yes, I can be tough at times but it was that method that brought me back to reality and helped me see the light.
I still have to say that if someone is still obsessing after a year it is not healthy. This is way too long.
Kimba,
I’m sorry for his horrible treatment.
Is there any involvement with the ex?
Hi all,
….the other day, I was in a strange ‘how can I move this on kinda mood’ I decided to use some of that cognitive therapy and out myself in a positive state to try to ‘feel’ what content and happy felt like, to capture the moment. I decided I was a princess and would treat myself on every level like a princess all day. I decided if I could create stupid fantasies in my head about yes you got it the prince on the white horse.. .then I would invent one that would make me feel good (yes, my profession is actress, I work in the imaginary world:).
Anyhoo… I looked around my beautiful kingdom
, my spring flowers in the garden,thought of my mum and dad (king and queen), all the stuff, you know. Anyway then I felt something niggling. My princess self all of a sudden thought of that story ‘the princess and the pea’.
I have never in my life thought of this fairytale before, but I have for years studied the psychology of fairytales, good bedtime reading.
I googled and found this delightful bedtime story.
I had found my fix!!.. and honestly I have felt so much better since reading it. I will remember this story and go back to again when I need a reminder.
Enjoy!! http://mezmer.blogspot.com/2006/10/princess-and-pea.html
Astelle, I know you meant your feedback in the best possible way and that, since you’ve read my posts, you are correct in labeling my EUM as a “thing”. I must say, however, that I work with this guy, so while NC works for a little while, he always finds ways to ‘get’ to me and he does it very well. I can’t do NC first and then see a therapist – I fail at NC – that is part of the reason I am going to see someone.
My choosing to get back into therapy is a huge step for me. It tells me that I’ve done all I can do on my own, I see that I need help untangling myself from this relationship and I’m taking action to change things – for me. This isnt couples therapy. It’s about me and how I deal with men. There are deeper issues here that only therapy can touch. This I know.
truthhurts, thank you. This is a gift to myself.
Hi everyone, PLEASE HELP! I’ve gotten into a relationship with someone who is closer to my age (20 and he’s 22) and I’m struggling because approximately 6 months ago I broke up with an EUM and I feel like after reading all these posts, it took a lot of work to get myself to a place where I began feeling comfortable being alone and working on ME as a priority. We had an on again off again relationship and had spent anywhere between 2 weeks to 4 months out of the relationship during our break up periods.
Well needless to say, there were plenty a men that I’d met in that period of being alone. I met this new person that I feel great around. He seriously adores the hell out of me, but from the get-go I felt that his feelings for me were developing at an odd pace and we were in a relationship, according to him, by the 1 month period and that just plain bothered me. I felt like he always wanted to see me, always wanted to speak to me on the phone for really long periods of time and I mean come on buddy, give me a break. I’ve known you for a month.
Anyway, he does still live with his mother and whenever I talk about his grandmother he’s ridiculously protective, to the point where he once told me to watch my mouth. WHAT?!
6 months, even with on and off again I felt was too little time to work on myself and process my breakup and being rushed into this (my responsibility) had forced me to pull away and I simply couldn’t go on like this with him, so I decided to break it off and he began to beg and plead for me to stay. I opted out, and then the night after realized that I wanted to speak to him on the phone. Whoa!
We got back together but now I just feel stupid. I’m just worried that I’m getting into a relationship with someone and replaying my past because I hadn’t had enough time to really work through my issues. I’m worried that he’s acting like the “me” from my past relationship–the passive unavailable person whereas now I’m officially the active unavailable. I feel like this might be a scenario where he’s afraid of being alone or whatever, and i’ve attracted him as a reflection of my continuous transition through the phases.
It’s strange through, because I can sincerely talk through problems with this guy (he talks to me!), he listens and acts on it when we have to work something out, he doesn’t mind my hairy legs and armpits, he enjoys watching tv with him, he likes talking to me on the phone about all sorts of stuff from politics to tv shows (although sometimes I will admit I hog the convo..), he enjoys making me laugh, he likes how affectionate I am and always does what I ask him to do when it comes to showing affection, he loves my curves as much as I do, loves kissing me…
What do you think? Did I really attract someone emotionally available? Am I available without even realizing it?
And throughout the on and off relationship I was with my ex for approximately 1 year and 2 months or so (taking out the long breakup periods), and we knew one another long before we got together, but knew each other personally for about 6 months prior and before that we just floated around impersonally through mutual friends.
Gaynor you say you don’t mean to be sarcastic but the fact is that you are. Astelle its not your place to say Gaynor is not being sarcastic because it’s how the person felt on the other end. Gaynor you need to stop assuming that you know everyone personally and that everyone knows you and that you’re some sort of authority. You never introduce yourself, you rarely contribute your own personal experience to comments and instead pounce on readers with snippy, sarcastic questions and demands. Be a little bit humble and stop treating the comments box like your personal hunting ground and contribute to the discussion because your hostility and knowitall attitude is disruptive to the comments and I personally find you very intimidating which is why I don’t normally comment. And now thats my two cents worth!
Michelle,
I’m not going to change how I reply to other readers. I am not an authority by a long shot but if you see that someone is continually talking about repetition of bad behavior and not understanding why they are being hurt time and time again, I will comment. I’m sorry, I thought this was a site where we could express ourselves, I have never intended to offend or hurt anyone’s feelings, if I have I apologize.
I have shared my story in the beginning. At this point in the recovery I do not feel that it is necessary to keep reliving the relationship over and over again. What’s the purpose? Actually, NML posted my letter some time back on men who won’t move on from the ex.
In regards to your comment. I find it very strong and offensive! If Astelle wishes to share her thoughts she is fully entitled, no one has put you in authority.
Oh Gaynor this is exactly what I expected. I’m not an authority. The difference between you and Astelle is that she is humble and she recognises that whilst she has her own experience and brand of tough love, she has no right to impose it and recognises that people aren’t always going to want to hear what she has to say. She backs off – you just keep going. It actually is not my intention to be offensive but like you it is my right to express myself and you shouldn’t feel that you can censor people just because it doesn’t suit you. This is not the Gaynor show and have some compassion for people because if you can’t see what is wrong with the tone of some of your comments, something is very wrong. Elizabeth was 100% right to call you sarcastic.
Michelle, Gaynor, while I do believe it’s nice that you two are putting your differences out in the open, I am itching for advice and would appreciate some from both of you!
Why don’t we all get along and distract yourselves with my issues instead?
I have to say I wholeheartedly agree with Michelle. I have personally also been put off by posting because of your online attitude, Gaynor. And I hate to see this happening to others as well.
I think a bit of consideration for others is in place here and it’s a real shame to have to bring this up in the first place. But I just can’t keep schtum anymore.
I will probably mail admin about this too as I think it’s becoming a real problem.
somethingsomething, It sounds like you are being a bit of EU with this guy you are seeing now (shame on you
)
You don´t seem to know what you want from this guy, you enjoy what he is giving you but don´t really commit in return. In short: he puts a lot more in than you do.
It certainly doesn´t sound like you are available “but just not aware of it”. My two cents are these: Become Aware. Figure out what you want, why you stay with someone you have doubts about, why can´t you cut it off for now and figure yourself out like you intented to do in the first place. What are you afraid of?
Good luck! I think you´re a good person for questioning your behaviour and don´t just lay back and enjoy the benefits.
Oh wait, I think I have misread your post. I thought this available guy was a new person you met. Or is he your ex who used to be EUM and now he went available?
All: It was my understanding that this is a blog where one can share the pain of their heartbreak and their story; likewise others can share their’s as well.
It is extremely difficult to interpret words, especially as they post out of queue, but suffice it to say, that while I am looking for advice and assistance, I am not looking to get beat up, nor is anyone else, I assume, for that matter.
The pain, embarrassment, and shame that I have gone through over my particular AC, is enough to last me a lifetime. I do not want to ever repeat it. Those 2 1/2 years were punishment enough. I merely want others to share what has helped them get through. I do not want a scolding. I get that from my mum.
I was not being sarcastic when I commented that I would like the roadmap that others have found beneficial. I made the assumption that if someone can make a strong statement that he/she has moved on and recovered from their involvement with an AC in a short amount of time – - then I would like to know what “it” was that led to that quick of a recovery.
For the record, the counting of the days of the NC is what keeps me going. It is something tangible that I can grasp. Something measurable. I want to know the exact day and time that it is all out of my system for good.
To the person who can pick up and move on to another relationship within one month – - I say, “yeah!” Tell me, please, how you got that done. (No sarcasm – I am sincere.) To the person who did it in three, six, and twelve months. Please, share.
I dumped photos, I deleted phone numbers, I go to the spa, I exercise, I share my life with a supportive group of friends, and I live my days. My heart is lighter than it was a year ago, but it is not healed. I cannot deny that he was a part of my life; I cannot simply pretend that he didn’t exist. To do so would be to deny a part of my history and who I am.
If you knew me and my history, you would know that I am not one to wallow in self pity. Every moment of every day, we make choices. Each choice leads to another choice and another and another. I chose wrong for 2 and 1/2 years, and I really think that it will take me that long to figure out what signs I missed, so that I don’t do it again.
Remember, mine is not a history of short and dramatic relationships. Mine is a history of two – very involved and long term relationships. I am a slow learner, but a wallower, I am not.
something,
I would say that any feeling of uncomfortableness should be payed attention to– especially this early on in the relationship. One thing doesnt negate another. My xEUM was a great father, was a hard worker, was sweet at times etc…etc… however, this doesnt mean that he was “good/healthy” relationship material. I’m not saying dont give this guy a shot (if you feel you need to still get to know him) but I wouldnt ignore your feelings either. Something is telling you that something isnt right and it raising a red flag for you. I’m not sure that he is “emotionally unavailable” as much as it seems that he may have some other issues or traits that you may not be so fond of, either way… dont revert back into “settling” or accepting someone because you want to be in a relationship or find yourself twisting things in order to make it work. If its this early on and you aren’t feeling it— I would save myself any further distress and bail out. I would just becareful that this guy isnt blowing “HOT” right now as part of the chase and later will blow cold. I would keep my eyes open definetely and try not to get yourself too attached if you do plan on giving it a little more time to really see how you feel. Also– I believe that NML has posted something about if you are spending more time thinking and talking about the relationship rather than actually being in it… something is wrong. If i find the link I will post it… i think maybe that will help as well.
Michelle:
Ive been posting for approx 4months now and I can say that Gaynor does come from a good place with good intentions. Tough love is needed at times like he says especially when you see others continuing the same pattern and or stuck in a specific place. This site is about empowerment and getting ourselves out of these types of relationships and sometimes (especially in the beginning) the way people come across can be construed in a mean and or sarcastic tone but I think it may only be because we dont understand that some level of tough love is indeed needed to snap out of our habitual ways of thinking sometimes. Im really not sure what part of what Gaynor said was sarcastic when all he said was: Why are you hanging around? You know this is a no-win situation, why prolong the inevitable? Be proactive!!!!
Not sure what part of that is NOT helpful or was sarcastic. He is merely mentioning to Annied what she intrinsically already knows…but seems to be having a hard time putting some “ACTION” behind it. Im with Astelle and Gaynor on this. It is not always helpful to continue to “sugar coat” things for others…. NML has it in her commenting guidelines: Be careful of judgement but likewise do not place a comment when you are unprepared to hear an opposing opinion. You have to be prepared sometimes to hear the blatantly honest truth– even if it stings a little sometimes. There was even a guy named Mike who posted a little while back and at first he came across really arrogant– and then we all realized that he was just a guy giving us a “guy’s” point of view and it was honest, truthful and straightforward. Needless to say we got through the delivery and understood what his message was really all about and payed attention to that because it was very beneficial to hearing it even if it was very blunt and straightforward.
I know I needed a little tough love when I was first posting and without it i dont think my brain would have jolted out of the mindset that it was in and I would probably still be obsessing and wanting my xEUM. I know a lot of others want a “road map” out of these situations or how to get through it faster and unfortunately a little tough love is a must if you truly want to get to the other side! Most of us who are further along this road have mentioned that this is part of it….. so when asked what is the “road map” this is it…. dont think you can skip a few lights or streets if you intend on getting to where you say you want to go??
Either way– everyone is entitled to their own opinion and just wanted to share mine in hopes that you may see it from a different angle and that we are all coming from a place of compassion and understanding.
If you don´t like what anyone writes, just ignore it. You can maintain No Contact on the internet as well as in your relationships.
Elisabeth, I too have trouble letting go. The confusion, the imagined future I thought I had with this guy, the bitterness. What kind of helped was this post http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/you-dont-have-to-ever-stop-loving-your-man/
It´s about not having to delete the man from memory but accepting residual feelings and just let those feelings be.
Elizabeth,
I’m sorry if I misinterpreted your counting of days, I think if it helps you move on, all the better.
It took me quite a while to move on from this relationship, my wonderful friends and the site helped me recognize that it was an unhealthy relationship.
For all of us, these types of relationships have been very difficult and painful to understand. I think as I look back at my own EU behavior and recognize my patterns it has has become easier to move beyond the ex, because I now know that I deserve much better in a a relationship and want to move forward. I also would like to add that there was positive to this relationship, that being that I now know that I am truly ready to have a healthy and loving relationship with a man.
I was able to move on from this man because I was finally able to see what type of individual he is and that he is incapable of offering a normal relationship to me now or in the future. I think when we recognize our worth and know that we deserve better in a relationship is when we are truly able to move forward. We need to love ourselves.
I’m sorry for the pain this man inflicted, I hope you’re able to get to a better place quickly.
somethingsomethingsomething:
I’m confused. In your writing, it sounds as if you really weren’t ever alone. It sounds as if you were involved with men during that time. Am I missing something?
Anyway, if you go through any of the past posts, I have found two contributors to the blog to be very helpful in the clarification of healthy community and healthy spirit: Brad K and aphrogirl. Both are very insightful without being judgmental or condescending.
Their comments describe actions that “one” can take towards the path of self-discovery.
Elizabeth:
It takes different amounts of time for different people. Part of that is experiencing the pain that comes along with it. When I first broke up with my xEUM i wanted a pill or something to take that pain away ASAP! It was interfering with work, I lost so much weight, I cried every night and I was constantly talking to my friends about it in hopes that someone had the answer!!! The reality is that the more we try to get away from these uncomfortable feelings– the longer it takes. Unfortunately there is no way to get over it but to go “through it”. I think everything you are doing or have done is great…. you are on the right path. NC is extremely important #1 now its just a matter of grieving and allowing this person out of your heart completely. Another part of that is really grasping the information that is on this site to help you to understand why you were attracted to this person in the first place and or why you stayed in it soo long. I visited this site (and still do) every single day because like any addiction, it is something that you have to work on “every” day. Then as time passed…and I learned and I finally grasped what me wanting to be with someone who treated me this way was all about I suddenly began to realize that i really didnt want him……… i really wanted the validation of him loving me……..because I was basing my self worth on whether or not this person appreciated and or really wanted me while all the while his actions were enough to indicate that this was not so and all the while not realizing that what I really needed to do was to love MYSELF a little more. A hard pill to swallow ofcourse, but only because I kept thinking that he was worth it or that he had the capacity to appreciate and or love ..when in actuality these men tend not to. That is the key! You have to understand that this is not about you or what you did or what you didnt do or whether or not you were attractive enough or smart enough etc,,,etc,,,, this has to do with them…and nothing that you could have said or done will change that. He will be the same person with the next one because unless he is seriously reflecting on himself, asking himself if he even had anything to do with making you feel the way you felt, chances are… he will never change!!!
It took me 4 hard months to get to where i am and most people here can tell you that I have come a long way from when I first posted in such a short amount of time. But again– i was willing to feel all those uncomfortable feelings, I was willing to get a little tough love, I was willing to admitt that there was something really off in my dating/relationship radar and most importantly– I was willing to absorb all the info on this site to the point that I think i read every post in like one week– and then i would just continue reading them over and over again until one day it just finally sunk in on what the real issue was and I realized that I wasnt seeing this guy for who he really was. I was still giving him too much credit out of fear of having to really realize the truth. Because what would the truth mean? The truth would mean that I had poor relationship habits, I judged incorrectly, I didnt listen to red flags, I had no boundries, I had poor self esteem, I was willing to accept crumbs for the sake of just having something feeding my empty love engine and all of this…. had to do with ME making a change…not him! He did not MAKE me stay in the relationship but because I had poor relationship habits I ALLOWED myself to stay and ALLOWED him to behave the way he did and gave away too much of my own power. The focus Has to be taken off of these men…….and redirected to us if we every really want to see any changes take place. Some of us are not ready to do that because we still think the answer lies in “if they changed” or if only they realized how loveable I am, or if I can only get him to tell me that he is sorry, or if only he could get that I am great and loveable and that this is his loss. You will know you have reached the next step when you no longer see the value in this man and you will only know what I mean when you get there. In the meantime, keep doing what you are doing. No Contact what so ever! Keep going to the spa and to the gym…etc..etc… but most importantly make a commitment to really understand the underlying issue that got you here in the first place. Whatever that means. Going to therapy, visiting this site, buying books, writing in a journal, crying a little etc…etc… and even if you fall, get back up again because the goal here isnt WHAT time and date was it that you got over this hurtful relationship but that you were smart enough to get yourself out, do a little work and learn something that will be extremely valuable to you for the rest of your life! Keep up the good work… you are strong and just have a little patience with yourself… you will get there!!
Gaynor
Keep commenting like you always do. Your perspective is right on accurate and at some point these ladies will be able to appreciate that.
Hello ladies. I felt it best to come out of my hibernation to deal with this before it gets out of hand. I have really tried to be fair and liberal but my mistake in that is that this situation has festered because despite trying to address the issue with the commenting policy, we still arrive at this juncture today. It’s not just today’s comments; there have been comments before and a number of emails and I feel that it is now best to be very direct.
Gaynor, I appreciate what you are trying to do and do not for one moment feel you have any ill intentions but you must be more conscientious of your tone and the fact that some people just want to express how they feel. Astelle has heard this from me before and also Brad K
Every single person has their own experience or is at a different stage. People come from different places and angles and whether it’s you or anyone else, I don’t want anyone to miss out on the opportunity to empower themselves because they feel they may be judged or for want of a better phrase, ganged upon. Likewise I don’t want you to feel ganged upon either.
If anybody comments they must take responsibility for what is written. As has already been pointed out, the written word can be picked up in different ways and if anyone, not just Gaynor responds directly to another commenter, it is your responsibility to ensure that your comments do not cross the line. Michelle, your message was clear but naturally because you haven’t commented before, you come across hostile to Gaynor. I know this stems from frustration but you’ve locked horns for much of the same reasons although you have brought the issue fully out in the open now.
I must stress – this is a blog, not a forum. The comments box is to allow people to share their thoughts on the subject of the post in question (and this will often be thoughts that pertain to their own situation) and treating it like a forum actually derails the discussion of the topic at hand and can cause readers to feel intimidated that they can’t share their thoughts because things have been taken off on a different strand.
When I stated that people should not be afraid to hear an opposing opinion, it doesn’t give people free rein to just wade in and say what they like because tone, compassion, and respect are needed. The issue here is not actually about an opposing opinion – the issue here is that some people feel that they are not able to comment and express themselves without being jumped on and some people feel that they are being helpful but it is misconstrued or not appreciated. The former are coming here to empower themselves with the posts and they comment because the post resonates with them enough to get them to put aside their fears and sometimes even shame about what has happened and comment. The latter feel they have moved further down the road and want to share their experiences and help. This is fine, great even but sometimes we have to recognise that not everyone wants that help. As I have said to Astelle and Brad K, because this is my site, when I ask questions or say certain things, people don’t bat an eyelid over it and because they have a perceived relationship and rapport with me, or place value in my opinion, they are able to take on board what I say. Sometimes it’s good to let people ask for your help rather than assume it is needed, or if you give it, recognise when you need to back off.
And that’s what this comes down to. No matter how ‘familiar’ you think you all are, you are strangers online who with the flick of ill chosen word(s) can completely alter the tone of what you have said. Don’t make assumptions about people and live and let live. From now on, if a comment does not meet the guidelines it will be removed and if there are complaints, your comments will be moderated and in worse case scenario banned and this is to ensure that my site remains in keeping with what I intended for it to be and that as many people are helped as possible.
I hope that this can draw a line under things and that everyone will use the comments in the way they were intended.
NML I really appreciate you responding to the comments although I feel bad you’re doing it when you should be resting! Thank you.
Gaynor I apologise for coming out of leftfield at you although it doesn’t change how I felt. I don’t feel you should just carry on regardless and refuse to adapt your tone because if it was working, this wouldn’t have happened.
i feel like this post is so relevant to me @ this very moment. i was w/ my boyfriend for 3 yrs. 2 yrs in, i found out he was cheating on me the whole time. after a brief separation, we reconciled. he never quite cut contact w/ her. not to mention episodes of disappearing, lying and hitting me more times than a few. he had an excuse for everything and i believed most, if not all of them. about 3 months ago, i found out he was cheating on me w/ a woman he met online. she had NO idea we lived together and had been in a relationship for 3 yrs. we once again broke up for a couple of weeks. he resurfaced and said he wants to be a better man, he’s going to anger management, he never wants to treat me like this again. i asked him if he was still seeing the woman from the internet. he said no. i caught him @ her house last night. his excuse was he feels like i am taking too long to make a decision about whether or not i want to try w/ him again. it’s true, i have gone back and forth about what i wanted to do but it’s b/c he’s hurt me so much in the past i just want to be sure we are both ready. just last night he said he’d wait for me for as long as it takes. now that i caught him w/ her, he claims i’m playing games and he doesn’t want to wait. plus, obviously he has been seeing her the whole time he and i have been apart. i’m devastated. i thought he wanted it to work. i believed him and my self esteem is in shreds knowing he is choosing her over me. the pain is unbearable @ times. if anyone has advice, it would be appreciated.
I agree with Michelle and the other comments. This been a long time coming and I am so glad it’s out in the open. I know NML has reiterated the policy on a number of occasions and has tried to be as fair as possible but the tone of comments has really altered in recent months and thank you for straight up addressing the situation NML. Good luck with your baby!
Jennifer you are in an abusive relationship…you need to seek help immediately and lock your door!! Do not let him into your house, go to your friends and family. This man is dangerous to you. Re-read your post as if you were reading it about your best friend. And keep coming back here, there are wonderful people talking here who know where you are and will help you to move past this. this is serious Jennifer, don’t allow yourself to be shredded to pieces anymore. You need to regain your power and to do that you need time alone, without him manipulating you and your thoughts. He is doing a lot of damage, but you are also by listening to him. He is not your friend believe me.
Strength, a lot of strength.
NML,
It’s taken to heart.
I hope all is wonderful for you and your family.
Jennifer, you must feel devastated…
Besides being a cheater your ex sounds very manipulative in letting you believe that if you had made up your mind sooner he wouldn´t have done this. This is so not true! If he was sincere he would have waited and respect the time you needed! But appearantly he just couldn´t help himself, most likely hasn´t a clue why he does stuff like this so he just tries to pin it on you.
If he tries to get back with you, please try to act on the gut feeling that you know you will be better of without him in your life. Take care of yourself!
gaynor – you asked if he was involved with the ex…no. He sees her…they have kids. I did ask if he considered getting back together with her he told me “Once someone breaks my heart – they are done” I DID NOTHING! I have searched and thought and beat myself up…but I really did nothing. During our last conversation I asked him what he meant my some things he said during a previous call…and we got through it (so I thought) Planned a visit…ended the call laughing and telling each other we were looking forward to seeing each other…then POOF, gone. I will tell you he did tell me alot about his marriage, his mistakes, he did not want to make mistakes with me…if I wanted to know anything to just ask…blah blah blah…Truthfully, I WISH he got back with the ex…that would give me some closure on this…but something tells me he is filling his time with some bimbo to forget me…and then on to the next….
I have a question: How do you know if there’s something not right in the relationship, or if it’s just you picking out all the things wrong? What if the guy isn’t an asshole and hasn’t crossed your boundaries, but things just lack something anymore? And he sort of annoys you?
Just to clear this up, I was with my ex for 1 year 2 months (on and off with several monthly breaks and whatnot, I am not counting the breaks).
We broke up about 6 months ago (October) and now 6 months down the line (April) we met and got into a relationship.
The thing that gets me is that at this point in time, maybe a month into it, my feelings are catching up with him…
Thoughts?
Just to say thanks to NML for adressing this situation, and hopefully will be able to feel more comfortable posting and replying to others.
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