When we’re out of the relationship, we obsess about what we coulda, woulda, should’ve done. Even when he’s moved on, on another emotional planet, or a complete and utter assclown, we then spend time obsessing, again to stop ourselves from moving on but also because we are looking for reasons to blame ourselves for the relationship ending.
Why? Because if we can find a reason that we can attach to ourselves and say ‘Bingo! It’s me!’ then we can convince ourselves that we have the reason for why things haven’t worked out, and the solution that can ‘fix’ our problems.
The thing is…despite of all this talking and obsessing, nothing really comes of it.
In fact, many of us become the equivalent of a crime scene investigator with a room overflowing with evidence of why the relationship didn’t work and more interestingly, why he’s not the right person for us. Instead of processing our ‘findings’ though, we often acknowledge what each individual piece means and then instead of piecing all of the evidence together, drawing a conclusion and closing our case, we opt to continue obsessing and keep hunting for more evidence.
We don’t want to let go. We don’t want it to end. We don’t want to acknowledge.
The scary thing that that this can often reveal is that even though we have our own issues that need to be acknowledged and dealt with, a large part of the reason why we become trapped in obsessing is that we can’t find a concrete reason that we can latch onto and come up with a ‘fix’.
One woman I speak with has so much evidence and is doing exactly what I have just described and eventually she’s had to acknowledge that a huge part of her frustration and obsession is being caused by the fact that despite months of being in limbo and trying to hunt down clues and amassing a wealth of overriding evidence that shows not only that the relationship was doomed to fail and that he was an assclown, she still has not found a piece of evidence in all of this that she can leap on and claim as hers and fix.
Whatever her own issues are, everything that she has uncovered cannot disguise the fact that she was in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable man with a penchant for lies and exaggeration, that’s behaved like an assclown, moved on whilst he was still in the relationship, and who got a kick out of taking chips out of her self-esteem.
He was this man in the relationship, before the relationship, and unless he has his own epiphany and changes his ways, is going to be this man in the future.
This is what it is like for every woman who gets involved with a Mr Unavailable or an assclown – you cannot make it your job to save them, or fix, heal, or help them.
You can’t place yourself in the centre of their disconnected universe and decide that you are the source of the problem (it’s something I’ve done that’s making him this way) or that you’re the solution (he just needs the love of a good woman like me and if I can just get him to see that that’s me…).
It’s not all about you – it’s often about them and you’re assuming the reins for things that are beyond your control and that you wouldn’t want to fix, heal, or help if you had healthier ideas about yourself, love, and relationships.
As I’ve said before, if you spend the great majority of your time and brain energy talking and thinking, you are a person of inaction. You’ll be able to recognise that you are when you look back on all of the discussions, explaining, defining the relationship talks, arguments, pleadings, thinking, thinking, and more thinking and realise that nothing has really changed. You’ve become someone who not only talks and thinks a good game, but is in danger of mirroring some of the very behaviour from the men in your relationships. We can’t lament their lack of inaction if we’re not prepared to unmask and let go of our own inaction.
We use talking and thinking too much to mask our true inaction because if we put ourselves in the position of actually doing something we would have to deal with confronting uncomfortable things about ourselves and/or be in the driving seat of our own lives rather than place the responsibility on someone else.
What we don’t realise is that even if we do place the responsibility for our happiness (or misery) on someone else, it doesn’t change the fact that we’re still responsible for us.
Quite frankly, you can think all you want to think about him but it’s not going to change anything and the scary thing is that one day you wake up and realise that life for you, has come to a standstill whilst you’ve wallowed in your pain, overthinking, and indecision, and he’s off living his life.
If you profess that you want to be personally happy and to be in a positive relationship with someone, you have to realise that you must process your relationship – that’s acknowledge the good, the bad, and the ugly, grieve it, let go and move on.
How much evidence are you sitting on? How about weighing it up, processing it, and drawing a conclusion so that you can give yourself closure? How about putting yourself in the position of having to either do something, or stop talking and thinking?
Your thoughts?
Get ahead on understanding waste of space men and relationships with my ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download. Also find out more about my No Contact Rule web seminar, or if you need personal advice or analysis of your relationship, check out my consultation service.
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NML, I am soo confused now, I thought getting input from people that “recovered” would help other people?
I love your website, I love to read your posts, I really do, but I don’t have to comment, It was never my intention to cause problems for you, if I did, I apologize.
Astelle, I think there is a misunderstanding. This is not about a ‘problem’ – it’s about recognising that there is no billboard on this site that announces who each commenter is, so if you or anyone else charges in with your ‘tough love’ approach that person 1) may have no clue who you are and find your comment aggressive and judgemental 2) may not know that you’ve recovered 3) may be still trying to get their thoughts processed and express themselves, and 4) they may misinterpret this ‘tone’ from a virtual stranger. People do ask questions in the comments and ask for input but not everyone does. Your message may also get lost if you are more focused on shaking sense into them and asserting your point than you are in having a little sensitivity to someone else’s pain. Just deal with each post and commenter individually. Likewise when someone says enough or that they don’t like what you have said (i’m talking about people in general not just you), leave it be rather than going ahead anyway, or at least recognise the signal that your approach is not being well received, back off, and adjust your tone.
Thanks everyone for your replies and hopefully we can move on from this
I really am off now as I want to be focused on having my baby, relax, and rest, so I trust that this is OK.
Important information: You can block text and phone numbers from your cell phone. In a desperate attempt to have no contact and tired of getting constant texts from the MM (at the point of aggravated harrasment in the States) I didn’t want to change my phone number. I called Verizon and they walked me though blocking the number on-line. Not sure if this is available with other carriers. Not sure where I should put this information but thought it was very important for those of us who want to/need to let go. It only makes it harder when we keep seeing those messages pop up. His last message was veiled with threat and my last message to him was that if he comes near me, or contacts me, I am pressing charges. It has been difficult but I started to feel afraid of him. If some of you remember, he is a cop and that is why I didn’t press charges up til now. As soon as I let this relationship go 4 months ago, someone new has walked into my life. It does happen if you let the other person go and move on. It won’t if you don’t.
Jennifer: by virtue of the fact that he is blaiming you for making him wait means HE HASN’T CHANGED.
Hi everyone,
I have posted before on another part of the site and couldnt post after as it was filled up..
I have been in an unhappy relationship for 7months. It was over last Friday, (on my birthday)..It started becoming dangerous and has caused me to lose myself completely.. He is passive aggressive and constantly made me feel i wasnt intelligent enough, good enough etc. he would ignore me for days over the silliest thing and if i ever opened my mouth to argue back (i did this twice the whole time) i would get a threat and he would pack his stuff to “leave me”..he never did but on my birthday an incident happened and it became out of control… i thought that he would make an effort on that day as he knew what it meant to me to have hom around on this day (he was my childhood sweetheart who I never forgot for ten yrs and vice versa).. he was moody with me and could only just about bring himself to say happy birthday to me at midnight. when i asked what was wrong, it made him worse..he then said he didnt want to spend the day with me..i spent a few hours with my mom and when i went back to the flat where we live together, he was not speaking to me… i tried to get him to talk and let go of the “argument” but he ignored me and told me to “get out his face”,,anything i tried saying after this was pointless cos he kept ignoring me,,it drove me crazy, and i suddenly flipped out and threw a bowl that was on the table and smashed it and left the room.. i have a history of self harm and hadnt harmed in 10months, but this turned me into something else and i took a kitchen knife and harmed myself badly while locking mhyself in the bedroom..he knew i was doing something in my state, but he did nothing and carried on llistening to music on his laptop. an hour later, he walked into the room..got dressed.. (i was under the covers with blood and the knife everywhere on the sheets) and he was singing to himself, and he walked out saying nothing.. my mom picked me up and realised i was in a state. i have been staying with her since that day. he ignored me for few days and txt me to tell me he was moving this week and wanted to use my car to move. i had answered back asking if we have any hope and got a msg back telling me how i ruined everything and how my self harm has caused him to not trust me.. when i went back o MY flat to get some overnight htings, he had bolted th dor so i couldnt get in saying he feared for his saftey. last straw was him texteing me few days ago at 11pm saying he needed my car and to drop the keys through the letterbox. I did it..went home to mom’s and she went crazy at how i let him have the car…i became hysterical and inconsolable and lost my mind at that moment as i knew i did wrong and was confused.. i msged him later saying my mom wanted him to bring the car back and i got a phonecall from him shouting and swearing at me. at 1am he brought the car back and said that i owe him over £8,000 for money he spent while being together (rent, car, petrol,food furniture etc) he said it was to be instant.. out of panic, despair and confusion i tried to commit suicide.. my mother took my phone and communicated with him to tell him that she will give him the moeny when she has it as i was no longer capable of dealing with him and that he drove me to what i did so it wasnt all my mistake.. since then, there has been no contact..3 days..however, i am on medication, i am not allowed to be left on my own, i am numb, i have not stopped crying..i feel dead inside and unable to cope and i am so frightened of feeling and being this way..i am obsessing about him wonderign if he is thinking of me or cares or is curious to knw about me and i just keep wondering what hes doing.. i have lost my mind and dont know what to do..i am sorry fror the long post..i didnt know who to tun to..
p:s- Gaynor, previously when i posted you told me to look into co-dependancy.. i am co dependant and recognised myself in all the symptoms… i have been seeing a psychiatrist this whole week…(i feel ashamed of myself as i sound like a psycho..i am just hurt and confused)
Miss Confused–
First, communicate with him via your family, so that your family can get your stuff out of your place while YOU are present; and, if something of ours is missing, inventory it. Inventory also what is left in the apartment, with a neutral, non-relative, third-party witness present. This should all be done while the jerk is there, too, BTW. And take final photo, or a video, just before you go, too. You don’t want him to accuse you of stealing anything.
Second, after taking care of your end of things, to protect your property (economic) interests in the relationship, you have to take care of your personal and social interests, as well. So you cut him out of your life COMPLETELY. If he owes you money, tough for you. Money is nothing compared to the trauma of dealing with this jerk. If you owe him, tough for him. Make him sue you for it. Make him prove up what you owe him.
If your friends take his side, b/c he was “Mr. Popular” or “Mr. Desirable” or “Mr. Dark” when he was younger, tell them to mind their own business, and that you don’t want to talk about him, ever.
Third, if you can, and once you are stronger, start over, somewhere new. Show the new faces around you that you are happy, and that you love yourself. Even if you have to act “as if.” Then you will be treated better, b/c people will see that you treat yourself well, that YOU like YOU. They follow suit, get it? (Just like how you followed suit in thinking that things were all innocent and rosy with your memories if youth and how this guy was your childhood sweetheart, etc.)
Never talk to this guy again. He is bad news, esp. b/c he brings out the worst in you, and does nothing to make things better. He may even get off knowing that you look badly in front of your family. Because he makes them feel that they “need” him to be around, b/c no one else will “want” you, b/c of your past.
Have you committed a crime against someone else?
Have you acted maliciously toward others?
Have you stolen?
Are you known as a bad person?
What the hell do you have to be ashamed of? To feel awkward or depressed about?
You have to get a grip. Only you can do it for you. And you sound like you deserve it, and that you should not be so hard on yourself.
Miss Confused – thank goodness you are getting help. You have 12 solid months ahead of you of self love, healing, therapy, medication and especially NO CONTACT. You may feel hurt, you may feel confused but you just tried to cut yourself with a knife and then commit suicide. There is not a doubt in my mind that this guy put you over the edge…you admit to have codependent issues…and he was fuel to the fire…he was deliberately cruel and mean…and you are wondering if he is thinking about you. You main focus right now should be to fix yourself. Who on earth cares WTF he has to say…He is done – you are on a road back to recovery. Good luck.
Miss Confused….I too am thankful you are courageous enough to seek out help, it is definitely a step in the right direction and the road to recovery will be long and hard. Instantaneous results will not come over night, I speak from experience.
I too went through a time in my life where I totally broke down, wanted to jump out a window and yes, this was over a guy. I went through many times in my life where I wanted to hurt myself, angry with myself and the last time, when I finally hit rock bottom and broke down, I admitted myself into the hospital for help. That was 20 years ago, while the pain subsided and I found other ways to channel the negative energy, I still carried the hurts of the past with me, until recently through counseling. I can also say from experience, in retrospect, trying to kill myself over this man that was in my life would have been a waste. I have finally realized that because of all the underlying issues that I had, which needed to be addressed and were the real culprit to trying to commit suicide or trying to hurt myself in other forms other than cutting, this man only added another layer of pain to what I was already feeling. At the end of the day, he just wouldn’t have (or any man for that matter) been worth killing myself over. You have found a safe place here, keep posting and reading NML’s blogs. I feel your pain and hope you will be patient with yourself as you go through this process.
Miss Confused,
Even though all of us who post on this blog definitely have our problems and issues that might tend to make us feel negative about ourselves, I think we’re all here to get “better.” I would hope that NO MAN, especially one that doesn’t treat us rightly, would be worth thoughts of ending our lives by our own hand.
(I am not unfamiliar with suicide… I lost my own sister to it, but…)
There is some verse in the bible about “5 sparrows may fall to the ground, but the Father in heaven knows each one of them”….
I think that verse means something like “If God pays attention to the birds, how much more will he pay attention to us?” You need to know that we are all hear reading what you wrote and paying attention.
I don’t have any more good advice, but I’m going to pray that you listen to these positive women and to your own heart and let yourself feel and notice that there are a lot of us out here who are thinking about you and want you to find a place in your life where you can live and be safe and feel good about who you are.
You can find peace within yourself, and it doesn’t have to come from a man. Especially a man who doesn’t care about you!
Geez, I’m so sick of hearing about men who take advantage of women who are already hurting badly.
Because of what I went through after my sister’s struggle, I don’t ever want another woman to feel desperation because of a man.
Miss Confused, you are alive for a reason, and you are valuable.
Read what the women here are writing to you. I’m so encouraged by it, I hope you’ll see it, too.
Miss Confused:
Please, please, please look out for you. Be self-protective. Stay away from this man.
There is tons of literature out there – if you will read it – and “listen” to the advice – written by psychotherapists on the issue of EUMs and how to deal with your own issues.
If I have learned anything in my journey with an EUM, it is this: There is nothing I can do about him and his controlling manipulative behavior. Nothing.
But, I can choose to work on me.
And my working on me is going to look different than your working on you will look. Dig, dig, dig, deep within, and you will know what you need to do for you. Not for him, not for what you hoped would have been with him, not for anyone but you. One step forward to getting you on track. You, you, you.
Yes, be selfish. Be very selfish.
Regards,
Elizabeth
Jennifer,
It is good that you are still waiting and not deciding about taking him back. Because he already showed you that you are not important to him as a person, he has no respect for you. He isn’t willing to risk losing his ties/claim on someone else without first assuring you will be “his”.
He is not looking for a mate, a companion, a steady girlfriend. He doesn’t understand what a commitment is, he doesn’t respect himself or others.
What I think is the very best reason to turn down his offer to try again, is that you even consider hoping he would change. Anyone from the local battered women’s shelter to the local police to the local church would know, for dead certain sure, that you won’t be making a happy home if he is in it.
And the first and biggest problem is – you let him. You chose to hope for something nice from a guy that hit you – anger and disrespect get worse, not better. He is a guy content to lie and deceive. There are several problems with his messing around, from the diseases he might bring home to the lies he tells. And really, how can you ever trust someone that lies so easily, that honor and honesty don’t matter to him, that he doesn’t care to be responsible to himself, first. No one should have to catch him in a lie – he shouldn’t be lying.
And you shouldn’t settle for anyone that lies – not lover, not friend.
As De said before, your abusive relationship is an active danger to you – at this point you need two kinds of help, and please, please ask – the first is for safety. A shelter, your family, someone that can protect you from him. The second is to understand why you started up with him, so you can avoid picking someone else unsuitable.
You have shown everyone that you are loyal, and caring. Now you need to care for yourself, and protect yourself. Don’t worry about him – we already know he has two or three other places to go.
Brad K.’s last blog post..Don’t love harder.
thank you all so much for your comments and advice..
I am reading and reading everything you all have written and am trying to absorb it all and try to see that i will get through it all at the end, as all of you ladies have managed to get through.. at this moment though, i cannot see the light.. I know he was doing me so much wrong and hurt, but for some reason, I cannot help but think that perhaps he didnt mean it, that maybe he was unaware of how i had been feeling, perhaps I was wrong in the relationship like he suggested and that i didnt make an effort.. I did make an effort though..I tried so hard to “learn” him and to live up to his expectations and I wasnt able to undersand exactly what he was expecting, but he didnt help me..He said i have to figure it out myself and it wasnt his job anymore and that he refused to console me, talk to me, be attentive to me for the past few months of our relationship if i was feeling down about something, as he said its time i dealt with things on my own and go to other people for that kind of attention.. I dont want to keep repeating myself but I am just constantly thinking that it was me and he is right?.. Last night, i phoned him and withheld my number..not to talk to him, just to hear his voice and see if he was moving on…part of me thought that maybe he would answer and sound so miserable as i am feeling and that way i would know he was feeling guilty and missing me.. NO! He answered, talking to someone else in the background but sounding so upbeat… It tore me to shreds.. I was wrong to do that, I am delaying my helaing by doing that..but somehow i think part of me doesnt want to let go and is trying to hold on to any form of link that i can to him…disgusting, i know… Im glad my mom has referred me to this site..all i ask from all of you great ppl who have been posting and helping me aswell as others.. please dont give up on me even if i go a step back and make a mistake..please keep helping and advising me… i feel like this site is my only hope.. I am like a zombie most of the day as i am on anti anxiety and anti depressant meds, so im numb the whole time.. please dont give up on me…thank you all so much.. x
Miss Confused:
I am so sorry for what you are going through and wanted to send some support vibes to you. I can’t add much to the already excellent advise you’ve been given. But I would like to suggest a book that has helped me a lot. I haven’t yet read Natalie’s, but have just finished Robin Norwood’s *Women who love too much*. Amongst other things, it explains the dynamic of loving too much, and not looking out enough for ourselves and where many of us come from who do so.
Just a suggestion though, for now please take really good care of you.
Lina
This is excellent to read because I’m definitely one of those people who does too much thinking and not of enough acting. In the end, after obsessively dwelling over whatever it is you’re dwelling about (doesn’t even have to be relationship related) you realize that basically you’ve just been wasting your time and you don’t accomplish anything. Even if physically you’re over it, what you’re *thinking* about has the most power.
Hey,
I miss Gaynor. Nothing like a good kick in the ass now and then.
Gaynor, quite frankly, I came to always expect your hard ass point of view. Not bad, always appreciated.
Don’t go away, whatever Brad or others might say.
Some people can either scroll over your post’s or not. That is their choice. You have things to say. Say them!
You have earned your opinion. But, maybe couch them in a way that people in pain can actually hear them?
Cheers to you Gaynor, I hope you are doing well. ts.
Lina,
Thank you.. my mom already has this book and she has now given it to me to start reading..
I havent left home since this all happened a week ago, and havent actually spoken in 3 days… I just sit in silence staring at whatever is on the telly.. Im in pain..hurting so much.. i cant breathe..when i sleep at night i have to take sleeping tablets..i keep dreaming that things are ok with us and that nothing ever went wrong etc.. when i wake up from the dream, i begin gasping for air and start having panic attacks at the thought that it was all a dream..i try and start analysing the dream and i just cant deal with the fact we are not togethr…. This is the only place I can find myself speaking my thoughts and feelings with no judgement but help and advice.. with help from ppl who have gone through it… In reading all of the comments though, how come i find myself not coping in a “normal” way?…
Miss Confused:
Hello again. By the sounds of things, I take it you’re still at your mum’s? I would say hang in there, and keep your distance from him as much as possible. It’s important for your healing to stay away in order to get strong again. This is difficult, but it absolutely can be done.
Personally, I don’t really think there’s any normal way to cope, but I know what you mean. And I think we all do it differently. I also believe there are not shortcuts, we have to just go through the pain until we feel better, it’s baby steps and taking each day at a time, trying to get through it. I am so sorry for your hurting, we know what you’re going through to some degree or another. And we’re all here to support as best we can.
I had trouble with the dreaming bit too, a couple of months back .. it felt really disturbing but after three months of no contact they have subsided. I still feel occasional pain though, but it is alowly fading. I realise the reality is that it wasn’t a proper relationship, I had projected too much and assumed he felt as I did. He didn’t, but made me feel like it was reciprocal for a long time. So basically I felt both fooled and rejected in the end.
About the coping bit, again, I’d say give yourself time and lots more time. Many answers come with time I think, and perhaps you may need professional help as well to get through this as an extra cushion of support? Just a thought. In any case, I think Norwood’s book is a good place to start.
I wish you well.
L xx
Im in this situation right now – spending 100% of my time & energy wondering what went wrong and how I can fix it. It’s time to move on. Its’ a bit difficult right now – im in a different country not ‘home’. That said it’s not impossible and my energy will be better used attending to the practicalities of the situation. Time to grow-up and take responsibility for me. Oh Heck
Thank you for your post. 
I am getting professional help and everywhere, I keep hearing the same thing..That this man is wrong for me and that he is manipulative and built up my dreams and fantasies with him by enabling them and then just suddenly let them come crashing down on me..i just keep thinking that “No, this was different..We were different”..apparently not.. problem is, he is still in my flat, while im at my mothers house.. He is meant to be leaving in these next 2 days.. but as I am not allowed to communicate with him, to find out weather he has left or to get the keys back etc, my mom is.. He hasnt communicated with him since the day i tried to commit suicide.. She said she will give him till monday and if he still hasnt phoned to update her if he has left or not, then she will contact him to find out… but I am desperate to know! I am desperate to know what is happening.. why the hell hasnt he phoned my mom to let her know?!… I have to stop obsessing and thinking about what hes doing etc but it is soooo difficult.. i find myself staring at the phone, and each tim eit rings or my mom’s phone rings, my heart jumps into my throat.. i thought he felt the same way about me..he was looking for me for ten years for goodness sakes!.. Sorry..i keep repeating the same things.. im just trying to write to keep myself sane…
tenderfoot,
what is your situation?..how are you coping?
x
I am the woman in the article that Natalie references as having a room full of evidence (and believe me, the evidence I have on this guy shows that he is not the man I thought he was from the way he treated me in the beginning – he is a wolf in sheeps clothing)…it has been 3 months now since x-EUM and I broke things off. We have had no contact. I am still processing it all…I now know he was no good for me and why, but I am still wishing things were different…wishing he were different…wondering if we just gave it another try if things would be different….but they are not, would not and will not be different and that is the reality I have to accept – not because of me but because of him. I have no control over him and the person he is – and THAT is what caused the failure in our relationship – HIS character defects. On another article, Brad K posted about character and it really helped me along. I spent time reading about character – what it is (honesty, integrity, empathy, compassion, responsibility, etc.), what its hallmarks are, etc. I realized that, while I desire a man with strong character, x-EUM is not that man. I think if we all look at the evidence we have in our evidence rooms – our “blame lists” if you will, we would see that, as Brad K points out, these are NOT men of character and will not become men of character simply because we “want” them too become men of character. AND if he is not a man with strong character, I don’t want him.
I am beginning to think a lot of being able to move on or not has to do with our desire to be in control of the situation. If I have control, I can change it. If I do not, I feel helpless. BUT, the reality is, I only have control over myself, so I can only change myself.
The reality is, we ALLOW these men to treat us poorly and excuse it away by blaming ourselves and saying if only “I” were different, he would behave differently. OR, worse, we don’t care that they are treating us poorly and just so desperately want them in our life – for whatever reason – that we allow them to treat us poorly without regard for ourself and our own existence. In doing this, we are letting them destroy what little self esteem we have.
The truth is – he is what he is and he is not going to change unless HE wants to change….and that is unlikely, because they do not see themselves.
Miss Confused, I am afraid I am going to say something blunt here. Not meant to hurt you, i know you are in enough pain as it is but I really must say that if anyone tried to commit suicide over me I would cut contact, run for the hills and never look back.
Because it means that person projects very, very serious issues on me, that go way beyond me or the relationship. Like you are doing now with your ex.
There is only one thing for you to do and that is work on yourself, get therapy, etc. You seem to have serious coping issues that probably have very little to do with this man or any other man. Take responsibility and take the focus of him and on you.
I wish you strength!
I am the woman in the article that Natalie references as having a room full of evidence (and believe me, the evidence I have on this guy shows that he is not the man I thought he was from the way he treated me in the beginning – he is a wolf in sheeps clothing)…it has been 3 months now since x-EUM and I broke things off. We have had no contact. I am still processing it all…I now know he was no good for me and why, but I am still wishing things were different…wishing he were different…wondering if we just gave it another try if things would be different….but they are not, would not and will not be different and that is the reality I have to accept – not because of me but because of him. I have no control over him and the person he is – and THAT is what caused the failure in our relationship – HIS character defects. On another article, Brad K posted about character and it really helped me along. I spent time reading about character – what it is (honesty, integrity, empathy, compassion, responsibility, etc.), what its hallmarks are, etc. I realized that, while I desire a man with strong character, x-EUM is not that man. I think if we all look at the evidence we have in our evidence rooms – our “blame lists” if you will, we would see that, as Brad K points out, these are NOT men of character and will not become men of character simply because we “want” them too become men of character. AND if he is not a man with strong character, I don’t want him.
I am beginning to think a lot of being able to move on or not has to do with our desire to be in control of the situation. If I have control, I can change it. If I do not, I feel helpless. BUT, the reality is, I only have control over myself, so I can only change myself.
The reality is, we ALLOW these men to treat us poorly and excuse it away by blaming ourselves and saying if only “I” were different, he would behave differently. OR, worse, we don’t care that they are treating us poorly and just so desperately want them in our life – for whatever reason – that we allow them to treat us poorly without regard for ourself and our own existence. In doing this, we are letting them destroy what little self esteem we have.
The truth is – he is what he is and he is not going to change unless HE wants to change….and that is unlikely, because they do not see themselves
Sorry for the duplicate post – my computer is possessed!
In processing my break up with x-EUM, I read the following and want to share it with all of you because it really hits home…read the following statement out loud:
“I can honestly say [your ex's name] was the most loving and
perfect partner for me. He/she treated me like I was the most
important person in the world, always with respect and without
hesitation to place my needs ahead of his/her own. The time
spent with [your ex] was the happiest I have ever been.
So how did it feel to read that to yourself? Did you feel that
statement was true? Or were you thinking some parts felt like a
lie? I know when I read it, it ALL felt like a lie…and that told me something! If my relationship were a solid, healthy one, I would have felt ALL of it was true….it was not.
Hi Miss Confused
It sounds like you are in a lot of pain right now. I hope it passes soon.
Breaking up is such an emotional obstacle course eh? Right now Im allowing myself to have positive thoughts, Im allowing myself to have positive feelings about my future. Until now I have been denying myself these but not anymore. Im clearing space in my head and focusing on what I am grateful for in my life. 
It helps and it’s amazing how many things I have to be thankful for which are not dependent on him or us being together.
I have so much work to do to organize my life. Before I was using the relationship as an excuse for putting myself and my hopes and dreams and happiness on hold.
The person Im involved with disappeared – it’s a small place and his family live very close by but he just never came home one night and that kicked it off. Now 2 months later he still hasn’t been home to where we lived together for 3 years – Im recieving ‘check-up’ phonecalls from time to time from him and nothing else.
yuk :/ feels like crap but I’m resolved to get over it.
Like the title of another post says ‘Good things don’t feel bad’.
I would explain more but I just want to let it go and go forward. Life’s too short.
Take it easy Miss Confused – I hope it all gets better soon. I hope you realise that one man’s perception is exactly that and nothing more.
(sounds like big brave stuff but i’m having a lot of moments too
and my letting go process started some time ago when I started to question his behaviour)
Love
T x
Miss Confused: Your situation is definitely a paradox. He looked for you for ten years, found you, and then rejected you. It makes no sense to you, or to me, or to many other people for that matter. So, you end up thinking and analyzing over what you might have missed, what you could have done, etc. And you think and you think and you think. And nothing ever comes of it, so you then think and think somemore to the point that you literally begin to drive yourself crazy.
What will make your obsession stop? I don’t know. What is also paradoxical for you is that whilst you have your mom to help you, and it sounds like she is, you are still right there in the middle of things. Waiting for the phone to ring, waiting for updates about the situation from your mom, etc. I mean, even though you are not talking to him, you are still in a situation where he is still in control – he is now not communicating with your mom – he knows he should – and he is choosing not to.
There is another book out there called: How to Spot a Dangerous Man. Now, granted, when we find ourselves in these no-win situations, it seems kind of silly to read the book after the fact. . . But what all of the literature has done for me is help me to recognize that these EUMs have a pathology that really cannot be fixed. All of my hopes, all of my prayers, all of my longing for it to be different won’t make one bit of difference. The only way he will ever change will be if he wants to change and if he has the courage and willpower to do it. And, you can never know that – if you maintain NC – but again, you can only control you.
That concept of – this is out of my hands and there is nothing I can do to change my situation with him – is was finally woke me up to accept the idea of the complete and total NC. Prior to that, I kept thinking and if I just gave him some more time he would get it together and commit to me and the relationship that he kept saying he wanted. I had tried NC – to various levels – never initiating phone calls, but waiting for him to call. Then when he would call, I would say, “No, I can’t see you.” Then two days later, I would call him. It was a very exhausting dance.
Now, the complete and total NC did nothing to repair my broken heart, but it removed me from the rollar coaster (day to day turmoil of waiting for the phone to ring – it seldom did – or if it did, it was hours later; waiting at a restaurant, by myself – he was always 20 – 30 minutes late, and then had to leave early, etc.) and it removed me from the merry-go-round (on the 3rd anniversary of meeting him, I realized that nothing had changed (it centered around a conversation of his vacation – it was exactly the same thing he told me two years in a row over why his vacation wasn’t that fun), even though he kept assuring me that he had done x, y, and z and at any point in time, he would commit). He didn’t want to be happy. And, he dragged me into that world of unhappiness.
In my case, when I finally got angry and said, “Enough. I refuse to put myself through this anymore,” he just started laughing. Then he got angry and started to tell me about everything that was wrong with me. It was at that point, that I realized how I was delusional about who he was. I went 3 months of NC, but ended up calling him – not to get back together, but to talk about the past. BIG MISTAKE.
He was completely non-cooperative. Not rude or impolite, but all that seeing him did, was open up the wound again. It was at that point, I finally got that I was addicted to him – or I was addicted to trying to make him see that his life could be so much better if he would “connect” in a real way.
Again, all of the reality checks and a ha moments did nothing to mend my broken heart, but they did allow me to shift the burden off of me thinking that I could or would ever get the relationship with him that I so desparately wanted.
I had to quit watching romantic movies, reading romantic novels, advice in magazines, etc., because they tended to reinforce the idea that all would work out in the end. These men, as we know them, cannot be fixed. There was nothing I could do about him.
In yet another book, but I can’t remember the title, there was advice that said something about moving at least 100 miles away – it is too hard to “drive” by the house, you won’t accidentally run into him, you will be forced to make new friends, etc.
I had the luxury of doing that as I was able to find a new job. However, the heart was still broken, but I had something to focus on, besides him, and I wouldn’t run into him or be around the old neighborhood, etc.
What I finally came to realize is: I actually was a happy person when I met him; I had some insecurity issues, obviously, or I wouldn’t have been vulnerable to his manipulation, but I was a highly functioning individual. Now, I am an unhappy person with a broken heart. However, I am much more at peace than I was a year ago, and that is a big big step.
Since I tend to obsess about almost everything, I found that ticcing days off of the calendar and journaling helped me. They were tangibles that I could see that progress had been made.
There are many many blogs out there. If writing helps – in the sense – that you can interact with others who have empathy and sympathy, because they have been through the same thing – then post post post. The safety of the anonymity was important to me. Funny thing – he should be the one to be embarrassed and ashamed, not me. Hey, there’s another revelation as to why I am better of without him. He has no remorse. He had once told me that one of his other women had said he was incredibly selfish. At the time, I couldn’t or wouldn’t see it. I now not only think, but know, that he is the most incredibly selfish person I have ever met.
Judy wrote
“I can honestly say [your ex's name] was the most loving and
perfect partner for me. He/she treated me like I was the most
important person in the world, always with respect and without
hesitation to place my needs ahead of his/her own. The time
spent with [your ex] was the happiest I have ever been. ”
Amen, this is so great. Rather simple really, no need to think much about it.
And it is also great to put your own name in there and imagine a ( future ) great lover reading it and knowing it is true about you also.
Cause that is the level of connection l seek….
to both receive and to give to another. And this is how elderly happily married couples I have asked for their secret have described what makes a long term love work.
Nice, really nice, thank you for sharing.
@Miss Confused
Hope you are feeling a bit better. I read back your posts and it seems like the wound is very ‘fresh’ now. I’d say it’s completely natural to be distressed at this point and screaming for justice. Yikes
It will pass though. Please let this person go. If it helps visualise seeing him off on a long journey-in the opposite direction. It’s time for you now. You spent a long time trying to be what you thought he wanted. Wouldnt it be so much nicer to be able to relax in a relationship and know you are EXACTLY what he wants.
It may be a cliche or trite or hackneyed but it’s true that a person has to love and value themselves first and foremost. Then comes real honest union with another.
I’m just talking through my coping process I guess. But I did have a friend who went through a similar situation to yourself and was hospitalised after a failed relationship. She is now very happy with a partner who cares for her, she went back to college and studied for a new career.
She felt shame at having degraded herself for this….nonce. (her words 
)
When she meet the former guy some years later her reaction was – Ech!! what the hell was I thinking.
Anyhow – Take it easy and take your own sweet time but day by day let him go a little but more. You deserve to be happy.
Love
T x
Hi confused,
I married a man who I fell in love with on first sight, I thought it was the fairy-tail wedding of all time… and it was because It was my fairy-tail, it was my goodness, my love, my energy, my total devotion that kept this thing working, (dah!) as long as I was giving without asking he was taking. It was only when I (get this!!) I asked him to help me with the dishes after him not lifting a finger for one and a half years), he turned to me and said, ‘watch out I will become a bastard’, yup…. the castle began to crumble…Cinderella to Black beard. Each stone of that castle I had built was torn down, one stone at a time, each stone that was dismantled by sledgehammer, torn out and thrown into the waste heap was a piece of my heart, my hopes, my expectations, my dreams, my belief, my trust.
The truth replaced the lie…white became black with all the nasty shades of grey. I learnt two of his former relationships had to be hospitilized in institutions. He had been having an affair for two years of our three year marriage. To punish me he began to have affairs with my friends, flirting with them in front of me, then denying his actions…yup I lost trust in my own eye sight. Day by day he broke me. His mission ‘Destroy De’. I believe there is evil in the world, I never believed it before. Every day you are in there you get closer to your own death. I know. The sooner you leave the sooner you get to have yourself back and happiness and love and laughter. Do you want these things???? If you do, please be thankful you have escaped. He nearly got my soul but in my silence I held on to it with dear life. I became the walking dead, I was not allowed to speak in public, If I opened my mouth to join the conversation he would press my knee with his and whisper in my ear..ssshhh.
That was a long time ago but I remember the lesson. If it wasn’t me it would be someone else, don’t take anything this man does personally, he would do it to his mother!!! Get free get strong and recognize you deserve the best!!
Take care of your precious precious life. Be thankful you have such a strong caring Mum to protect you, learn to protect yourself so you can stand on your own two feet. It’s gonna take time but you are worth it.
I guess this is a reminder to myself too, thanks for letting me share some of my own story.
Care
I cannot thank you all enough for all your advice and support and also your stories… I understand how hurtful it can be to re play what you all went through, and to know that you still wrote to tell me and others your stories, means alot.. I am completely indebted to all of you.. It is still so fresh, so painful.. and I have been given a week and a half before the doctors decide weather i should be admitted into hospital with input from my mom as she is the ony one watching me go through this and is starting to worry..
An update on what has been happening and this is where I definatly need some advice, help and strength from all you great people..
He phoned my mom yesterday afternoon.. He asked how I was and she told him im in a bad way and that I am not coping well…His answer was “im sorry to hear that and would it help if I came to see her to explain why things happened the way they did and to give her closure, on the condition that you (my mom) are present to witness it all?” .. My mom replied by saying that at the moment she feels No contact with me is better and if she decided otherwise later on she would let him know..he said he would call her during the next week to organise giving the keys back etc. Oh my God!! when he phoned and my mom relayed the convo back to me, I collapsed in the middle of a coffee shop.. My mom had tried taking me out for fresh air and thats what happened to me.. Now im thinking maybe I need to see him to get it into my thick head that he is done with me and to know from his side, exactly the reason why…is that a good idea or a bad idea?.. Nothing would be able to escalate from it as my mom would be there.. what should i do?..
Also, there is another thing that i am struggling to come to terms with.. Im embarassed to say it, but i know i wont be judged here and am more likely to get good answers from it..
During the whole time I dont stop thinking about us, etc.. I keep getting this pain and sick feeling in my stomach when i think that after all this and he is moved out and moving on, I cant imagine him being with another woman, sexually.. it makes me ill to think the way he was with me, (telling me he loved me and making me feel so special and important during) that he would be doing this with someone else.. like i said, for 10yrs he was looking for me and when he finally got me he would say that he couldnt believe he was being intimate with me and that it was his dream to find me and be with me etc.
Now, i can never imagine him beign that way with another person… i want it so desperatly to be me..and i can not imagine me being with another person.. He was my first experience sexually ten years ago and then we got back together and i thought he would be my last and vice versa.. during intercourse, he would make me feel like he only person on this earth who was for him..and texts he used to send me when things were good…i would go out for a little while and he would text me things that would make my heart melt..HOW THE HELL DID HE LOSE THE LOVE FOR ME HE BUILT UP OVER TEN YEARS?!
I feel like i am slowly dieing inside.. I have so many questions i want to ask him and get the answers to…what should i do?..
Hi Miss
It’s just my opinion and I know how difficult it is for you right now but that sick feeling about him being with someone else is natural and I’d say a fairly common experience when breaking-up. I went through that too and still am a little.
It’s hard to feel this way. It’s like -where do you put all those feelings? – and they keep coming and coming. It’s almost like grief in a way.
Let your Mum do the talking for you right now with this fellow if he calls. At the moment you seem too upset to handle a conversation with him.
Focus on your health right now. Take a week and get some rest, talk it through with your Mum and your friends. Talk til you’re blue in the face
Get as much out as you can.
The posts on this site are wonderful and written by a strong woman. Take some time to read the posts that jump out at you and also the ones that you don’t want to handle. When you find yourself moping or thinking or getting upset just turn on the computer and start reading. Just a way to get through this week thats all you need right now.
Take good care of yourself – it sucks to the high heavens I know but the most important thing in all of this is that you are ok.
Be cool + breathe deep – you are way stronger than you think
T
xx
Miss Confused, I think he has been building a fantasy in the ten years you were apart. And then after the first hazy, rose tinted period after meeting up again, reality wasn´t all he thought it would be.
That happens. Maybe you were building to much castles in the sky as well. This to will pass Miss C. You will be allright!
@ Miss Confused,
This is tough. You have to get the mundane things taken care of – keys, bills, moving, etc. See if you can get your Mom or friends to take care of this for you.
As you now know, letting him contact your Mom, then hearing about it .. is contact. Let your friends and family know that you are trying to do No Contact, and that you don’t want to hear anything personal, or gossipy, about him – it restarts your thinking and upsets your healing.
You are focusing on sexual contact as the basis or expression of a relationship. It is not. His being intimate with you, unlike the 10 years of unbroken fantasy on his part, is merely one (fairly important!) small part of a meaningful relationship. The important part of a relationship must be the communication, the dedication to building a secure and nurturing home. Sex is often an important part of the togetherness, but cannot take the place of compassion, respect, honor, and care for each other.
A part of the turmoil you are feeling may be physical. Be sure to drink plenty of non-alcoholic, non-caffeinated, unsweetened (artificial or sugar) drinks. Water, that is. Get plenty of rest, sunshine and activity – 20 minutes walking daily. Eat appropriately – high fiber, low sugar, moderate chocolate intake (it does help).
And when you begin these ‘virtual contact’ moments when you think of him, take a calming breath, and realize that your hormonal reaction – adrenaline – will take a half hour (about 28 minutes, on average) to work through your system. During that time your physical and emotional reactions will be affected by the adrenaline. When you realize it is starting, you can interrupt the full-load levels with a calming breath, figuratively step back, and wait for the storm to pass. That is, take control of the disruption he still causes in your life.
Luck!
Brad K.’s last blog post..Relationship endings
Hello, I read this board regularly but rarely comment as my life had been ticking along in a sort of vaguely satisfying but also unsatisfying way until now. Now I’m sitting here crying over everything.
Briefly, I met and fell in love with a classic EUM some six years ago, it was long distance which suited me because that’s what I always did – built in failure/lack of intimacy guaranteed – and suited him because it allowed him to do what he wanted when I wasn’t with him (though I wasn’t around to see it I was pretty sure that he had flings with other women) and guaranteed that it could never get too close. After 18 months, by which time we’d got dangerously close to each other (by both of our standards) it reached a watershed and exploded, overnight he flipped from loving to hostile, and I went from confident to clingy. I went back to the UK in a complete state of confusion, he then avoided all contact for 2 weeks and when I finally got hold of him and told him this had to stop it ended.
Well we kept in touch though I refused to see him for 18 months, then I had to visit my parents who live in the same small country, met him and it started up again. For various reasons, not totally connected with him, I’m now living in the same country and now have my own house, life and a job here. For the last 3 years we’ve continued to have a friendship and a sexual relationship though nothing like the relationship it used to be. I’ve seen the dark side of him and could never trust him again, but this sort of part time affair suits me.
Whilst this has been going on he’s also been having a long distance relationship with a woman who is even more besotted than I was and has been upping the stakes over time. She doesn’t know about our continuing sexual relationship though I think she’s suspicious as she has said that she wants to ‘talk to me’. She’s gone from buying him anything he wants, to trying to get pregnant by him, to deciding that she is going to give everything up to move here to be with him.
So I’m sitting here crying over the fact that if she moves here then I can’t continue to see him, and whilst I know this is what I should have done years ago I’m terribly upset about it. Even though I know he’s a user of women, and that we are probably using each other for sex to some extent, we are quite close as friends.
The thing is that I know this is about me trying to rewrite history, and this time to win. You see I was brought up by my Dad who is a classic EUM too. My Mum left when I was 7 and I was my Dad’s soul mate till he met my stepmother who was obsessively in love with him. Their relationship was truly vile and toxic, he treated her appallingly and though she ended up fighting back it was a horrible way to live. Neither of them were happy but they stayed married for 40 years, fighting every day till she died of an aggressive cancer.
I spent my adolescent years competing for my Dad’s love, so this business with EUM’s other woman is horribly familiar. I also know on some level that I’d have the same relationship with the EUM that my Mum and stepmum had with my Dad, and I couldn’t do that to myself.
So why am I so upset now? I’m really devastated at the thought of the other woman coming to live here, I don’t want her here, I want him to myself even though I don’t want him full time. I don’t know, is this me being selfish, not wanting to accept that he could prefer her over me? I don’t know what’s going on, just that I’m really unhappy and crying all the time
Confused: I would suggest NC for a long long time. If ever.
I have been reviewing the literature (mostly anecdotal through psychotherapists reporting on counseling sessions with their women clients) regarding EUMs; they must remain in control, so they continue, by whatever means necessary, to stay in your psyche. This is very damaging to the woman’s emotional health. Almost all of the articles that I read said a minimum of 6 months; many articles stated even waiting for a year.
He proved who he is; when you most needed him, he walked away. It’s like you were drowning, and the life vest was right there, but he refused to throw it to you. In the case of my AC EUM, even though there was no physical abuse, he just walked away, and never ever turned around to see if I was still even standing. I actually remember an almost maniical laugh coming from him, along with frozen eyes with no depth. (Right now, writing this, I am more angry at me then I am at him – so you can see that I clearly have a lot more work to do on myself).
I applaud you for being so willing to share your story; that openness demonstrates that you have strength to move forward. You are seeking good things for you.
Believe me, I don’t have any answers for you, only suggestions. And, if I had been able to really overcome the AC EUM, I wouldn’t need to continue to come to this venue. But reading each story does help me, and I hope it helps you. Each day does get better.
NC for now might really be the best for you. For whatever reason he chose to behave as he did – a week and a half ago – that reason will still be there in 6 months or a year from now. You just sound so fragile.
In the case of my AC EUM, he actually justified some of his behavior because of my fragility. He would tell me that I was too sensitive; he didn’t mean to hurt me, but he could see that I wasn’t strong enough to handle even small things, etc. that I clearly had a problem. Also, he had to be the one to tiptoe around because I was just too insistent. Mind you, this was in response to me asking, once, after two years, “When do you foresee an us?” So. . .
Dig deep to find you and what is best for you. Get to know you. And get better.
Regards,
Elizabeth
@ sadthing,
You are using him a little bit for sex. Mostly, though he is your “good guy” repellent. While he wanders in and out of your life, you are attached – unavailable in case someone comes along that wants and deserves a strong, long-lasting relationship. You started out claiming that you always build in a buffer, a barrier to engaging your whole heart. This guy is your vaccine!
This sounds like perpetual dating, for each of you.
The sex has become a habit – only you can tell if you are actually more involved than just a friends-with-benefits thing. As for change, that is always uncomfortable
Brad K.’s last blog post..From lending money to protecting your heart
I have a slight problem in that I am living a fairly small town where everyone is familiar with my now ex. On a daily basis I am asked where he is, what he is doing. Im always respectful in my answers and tactfully evasive. It will be 6 months before I am able to fully re-locate to another city.
Do you think it’s wise to fudge when people ask my relationship status until I leave town? It feels wierd to do that but so far thats how I’ve handled it.
??
Dear Miss Confused…
I want to give you a ((( HUG))))…Please stay strong, keep reading posts and NML’s e-book, it is very helpful, believe me…I was in the same situation four years ago, I was like a zombi, I lost 5 kg in two weeks, I couldnt eat, drink, sleep and was crying for three months…I even moved to another country for six months, just in order to forget my ex!!! TRUST me, you will move on and you will feel better -day by day, week by week…
I know you want to meet your ex boyfriend and have a closure, but I dont think you are physically and mentally ready to do that. Elizabeth and Brad K gave you a great advices:-)
My heart goes to you and I wish you all the best!!!
Sadthing-
It sounds like a good start to digging up the pain of your past, at least your recognizing the patterns. I think you may be emotionally connected to the emotional unavailability – the bond that you were strongly attached to in childhood (as you are aware of and mentioned). That is why you are holding on. It sounds like you been putting your focus on relationships instead of putting it on (you) … But, in this process we usually learn we have to put it back on ourselves when we have a string of unsatisfying relationships. The first step in the healing process is learning to love yourself and finding out what that means deep within. It may take time to see your physical world changing, but as you get emotionally healthy you will start to see and feel changes. Goodluck!
Nicole thanks for that wonderful insight! I am so sorry sad thing but I think in the long run you will thank this woman for helping you cut ties. Let her have the problem of ‘where is he, why isn’t he here for me, and she will! I hate the feeling of ‘why her not me’, I’m sure most of us have been there, but if you can think of this as a closure from something toxic it will help you move on so much quicker, don’t give into the I’m second best’ syndrome. Remember… ‘you don’t abandon yourself’, a good mantra for you right now, and as you say it hold your hand on your heart and put all your present focus on you… you are the object of your desire, and your desire is to be happy, It’s gonna be hard but break this thing off now, NC!!!! you do not have to be involved, you do not have to meet her (horrific thought!!) how dare she!! How dare he be so thoughtless, selfish and unthinking bring it up, does he not know you enough or care that he would hurt you!!?? If not, you know what to do… run and lock your door!
You decide if and when you want to resume any contact. Don’t let them have your power! I feel for you, cause the same thing has happened to me.
Thanks Brad K and Nicole, you’re both right, I know my pattern is one of hoping to get a meaningful relationship from an AC. I’m 51 now, had years of therapy, made huge changes in the last 4 years – job, country, family relationships, lost a lot of weight – I don’t know if I can change any more, don’t know if I can be bothered to change.
I know that this ‘relationship’ is the furthest out of my comfort zone that I’ve ever gone.I was 45 before I ever let myself fall very seriously in love and that was with the current EUM so there’s also a thing about him being my first love that keeps me hooked in.
NC isn’t possible unless I move house and completely change my lifestyle, though I guess when the OW eventually moves here no contact will be allowed anyway.
I don’t know what to do next, I just feel exhausted and terribly depressed at the moment.
sadthing’s last blog post..Obsessing & Overthinking – Processing the Evidence of your Relationship So You Can Move On
Thank you to all of you who have given me advice and support..
I have just woekn up from another traumatic dream that involved us being back together and it has left me shaken and disturbed, once again… I keep feeling that i would really just rather sleep and not wake up as I am not coming to terms with the feeling that we are not together each morning and my fragility to the whole situation..
In the ten years we were apart, I used to think of him often and think that if i were in any kind of trouble/pain etc.. he would hav ebeen there to console me and help me like he previously did.. Now, ten years later, although he had helped me when i was feeling low and had a few problems at the begininng of our relationship, he slowly decided to stop giving me thta support.. i stopped feeling as though i could talk to him awhen i was feeling down even if it was about something else.. I stopped being able to come home and cry about something in privacy.. I had to hide in the bathroom or kitchen to have a cry on my own so he wouldnt see and not do anything about it.. At our last argument which ended our realtionship, I had said that i didnt feel i could talk to him about things that were getting to me or upsetting me that wernt to do with ihm.. his answer was “good, ive been doing it on purpose cos im not doing that anymore. Its about time you learn to go through it on your own or with other ppl like your mom etc. Ive given up trying to suppor you with certain things because you dont do the same with me”..my answer was that he is not exactly an easy person to deal with when it comes to those things and that he completely shuts himself off when he is in any of those moods and doesnt allow me in and when i do try to get it out of him, he ignores me or tells me to leave him alone..plus i have done nothing but be there for him while he has been unwell with problems with his back and other issues.. i always did everything he wanted at any time of day or night.. catch 22?! God, I am dreading the next week when I have to go back to my flat to get my things and sort out bills, moving out etc.. he would have moved by then but all the memories are still there..how do i deal with it?.. i am truly frightened of my feelings and reactions.. i am so scared.. life is so difficult, i have been considering admitting myself into hospital as i dont know if i can cope anymore..
p:s- sometimes when i post, eventually, there comes a point when you cant post anymore on that one subject?.. how would i continue to post where i dont have to repeat my story etc?..
The ex EUM contacted me yesterday on the one online place I hadn´t blocked him yet. This after countless mails in the past in which I explained him I don´t need him in my life and one final mail in which I said I didn´t want him and was over him. I ignored his attempt at contact but when I fell asleep yesterday an old trauma surfaced which I hadn´t thought about in a long time. I was raped once some 15 years ago. The fact that I thought about this (the ultimate breach of boundaries) after so long was telling to me.
The EUM showed time and again during and after us dating that he has no respect for my boundaries. He never laid a hand on me and I don´t think he ever would, don´t get me wrong. I think the resurfacing of the trauma was symbolic and a definite warning sign that persons like this are toxic and at worst dangerous. I never felt safe with him emotionally, and I realise that now more than ever. Even if I wanted to there is no way I can ever be with him again. Ever.
I feel so voulnerable right now…
Miss Confused,
Would it be possible for your Mum to pick up your mail and stuff?? I’m not sure it is a good idea for you to go back and I know you are afraid with good reason. You will go over and over your conversations, it’s the natural process, but you will get better, you will get stronger. What does your Mum say about a hospital stay?? It will give you the rest and care you need, it’s not anything to feel bad about, if you need to be looked after now then allow yourself to be looked after . I feel for you terribly. Whatever your communication problems where in the end there is another woman involved and this betrayal (in my book) is where you draw the line. People with communication problems (if the relationship is built on love and care) can get help if they want to move beyond the problems they are having. But he didn’t, instead he chose to punish you. I agree sometimes it’s best not to give all to your partner and find other people to talk to but thats a whole other book
. I’m so sorry it is so bad for you right now… hang on in there. i don’t know what else to say except we are still here listening to you. take care
My thoughts are with you Truthhurts wish I had words to say to you that would make you feel better …
It is good you though that you were strong enough not to engage in a conversation with him and even him contacting you showed a violation of your boundaries since you had asked him not to contact you anymore ..
I’m guilty of over-processing today. I talked with EUM this morning. We dated, then shifted gears into friendship (this was my decision, he seems too unavailable for a romantic relationship) He has been pulling away from the friendship lately, saying things like “I don’t want to disappoint you” and “I feel really bad that I cannot give you more” (because he is sooo busy).
While speaking with him, and afterwards, I kept feeling like I was being emotionally manipulated into feeling sorry for him because he feels so badly about being an EUM. I am wondering if my feelings are being played with by this guy.
Any advice ladies? I’m thinking of ending the friendship, because really, I’m not getting much of anything out of it!
I just don’t know how you actually let it, him, go. He’s always there, in my thoughts, like he was when we were together. Always thinking, not actioning. I don’t know how to correct that.
In the end…it all got too frustrating, tiring, silly, I knew I had to end the friendship, it was way too one sided. And yes, I felt I was being played with because this kind of connection was amusing enough for him and he could care less that it was not amusing and hurtful to me.
I go back and forth whether he is malicious or not, but now that I am in a month of NC, the great thing is…. it does not matter..every day I think and care less and less about him, and that is a beautiful thing !!
No contact was absolutely the way to go for me. It’s been a month and NC feels so right. NC could also be seen as a tool, you can try it and see if you like it.
HI Kali,
something happened to my post above, the first two paragraphs got cut off… here they are
I feel like I have walked in your exact shoes. It does not matter if the EUM is a friend or lover, mine always left me wanting. These guys never really understand the word give that comes with the concept of give and take.
My EUM friend sang the best poor pitiful me song, looking for sympathy, always saying how hard his life was, ( and of course his life is relatively charmed ) seemingly asking for my help in his own weird ways, listening to my helpful suggestions, nodding as if he understood, never doing any work to improve any of his or miy complaints.
( okay, to finish.. now read my above post
)
Lisalisa: I empathize and I sympathize.
It would be so nice to wish him away. Whoosh, and he’s gone. Just like in the movies. In the movie, The Holiday, Kate Winslet, all of the sudden had an epiphany and was able to find gumption within herself. Her, “twisted, toxic relationship is over. I have a life to live, and you’re not going to be in it.” She then pushed him out the door, got on with her life, and went to an awards ceremony. There was Jack Black, who dumped his EUW. . .
Get this: I actually told my EUM that I knew I wasn’t Kate Winslet and that there wasn’t going to be a happy ending. I accepted that, and I got it, but yet . . .
Here I sit, reading posts on this blog and others, reading self-help book after self-help book on this subject. You know what, it has helped. But, the pain and the obsession have not just disappeared for me. But, I am better.
I wish it was that easy, but it is not. When re-reading this particular article, it comes down to this: The evidence is there. This EUM might be there physically, but he is not there emotionally, and there is nothing that we can do about it.
Nothing, that is, except move on with our lives. And work on ourselves. That’s the hard part. It is work, work, work. And, in my case, on some days, I feel as if no work has been done, but yet. . .
I no longer fanticize that there will be an us. I have accepted that there won’t be an us. It sucks. But the acceptance was one small little step towards reclaiming me.
I was thinking, today, that if I had spent as much time on figuring me out, as I have on him, I might actually be further along in my healing process.
The obsessing is so draining. But, I am one to obsess, obsess, obsess. Even after I “action”, I still think. It’s in the way that I continue to look at new houses, even though I just bought one. The realtor told me that she has not had anyone do that before.
Some pathology there, in me, but that is another story.
I read, in one of the many hundreds of books that I have been reading on the EUM, that they will do whatever they have to to keep an entry into your psyche. Although they are not going to commit to you, they want the option of being able to come back, and thus ask for you to maintain a friendship. For me, that was exactly what happened.
I tried to be a friend, but I couldn’t do it. It wasn’t two seconds, before we were enmeshed again, my heart got broken, and etc.
I finally realized that I wouldn’t let a girlfriend treat me that way, so why was I allowing this crap to continue on a regular basis? That is when I found this website and went NC. For a few months; then wanted some answers. Never got the answers, but that time out, I wasn’t going to continue to try to be friends.
I just don’t think it is a real possibility. They are twisted men. They just are. In my case, I finally realized, recently, that I am a sucker for the Poor Pathetic Me routine. Poor him. If only anyone else understood him the way that I did, if only he wasn’t so busy, if only his daughter didn’t need him right now, etc.
Again, I don’t have answers for you, but what has helped me move on is reading the stories of the other women in this blog and finding tips that resonate . . .
Most recently, I have started to yell, very loudly, “stop” when I start to think of him. It has helped, a bit. I then think of something that I enjoy that doesn’t involve him.
BRAD- not caring about what he’s doing when we are no longer together is extremely difficult for me. i am concerned that he will make changes in himself and the other woman is going to benefit from the pure hell he has put me through. plus, it’s so hurtful when i know he’s moved on to someone else so quick when many days i have trouble eating and sleeping. it hurts like HELL to know he’s going to fall in love w/ someone else. maybe all it’s really going to take is some time to get over everything.
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