When we’re out of the relationship, we obsess about what we coulda, woulda, should’ve done. Even when he’s moved on, on another emotional planet, or a complete and utter assclown, we then spend time obsessing, again to stop ourselves from moving on but also because we are looking for reasons to blame ourselves for the relationship ending.
Why? Because if we can find a reason that we can attach to ourselves and say ‘Bingo! It’s me!’ then we can convince ourselves that we have the reason for why things haven’t worked out, and the solution that can ‘fix’ our problems.
The thing is…despite of all this talking and obsessing, nothing really comes of it.
In fact, many of us become the equivalent of a crime scene investigator with a room overflowing with evidence of why the relationship didn’t work and more interestingly, why he’s not the right person for us. Instead of processing our ‘findings’ though, we often acknowledge what each individual piece means and then instead of piecing all of the evidence together, drawing a conclusion and closing our case, we opt to continue obsessing and keep hunting for more evidence.
We don’t want to let go. We don’t want it to end. We don’t want to acknowledge.
The scary thing that that this can often reveal is that even though we have our own issues that need to be acknowledged and dealt with, a large part of the reason why we become trapped in obsessing is that we can’t find a concrete reason that we can latch onto and come up with a ‘fix’.
One woman I speak with has so much evidence and is doing exactly what I have just described and eventually she’s had to acknowledge that a huge part of her frustration and obsession is being caused by the fact that despite months of being in limbo and trying to hunt down clues and amassing a wealth of overriding evidence that shows not only that the relationship was doomed to fail and that he was an assclown, she still has not found a piece of evidence in all of this that she can leap on and claim as hers and fix.
Whatever her own issues are, everything that she has uncovered cannot disguise the fact that she was in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable man with a penchant for lies and exaggeration, that’s behaved like an assclown, moved on whilst he was still in the relationship, and who got a kick out of taking chips out of her self-esteem.
He was this man in the relationship, before the relationship, and unless he has his own epiphany and changes his ways, is going to be this man in the future.
This is what it is like for every woman who gets involved with a Mr Unavailable or an assclown – you cannot make it your job to save them, or fix, heal, or help them.
You can’t place yourself in the centre of their disconnected universe and decide that you are the source of the problem (it’s something I’ve done that’s making him this way) or that you’re the solution (he just needs the love of a good woman like me and if I can just get him to see that that’s me…).
It’s not all about you – it’s often about them and you’re assuming the reins for things that are beyond your control and that you wouldn’t want to fix, heal, or help if you had healthier ideas about yourself, love, and relationships.
As I’ve said before, if you spend the great majority of your time and brain energy talking and thinking, you are a person of inaction. You’ll be able to recognise that you are when you look back on all of the discussions, explaining, defining the relationship talks, arguments, pleadings, thinking, thinking, and more thinking and realise that nothing has really changed. You’ve become someone who not only talks and thinks a good game, but is in danger of mirroring some of the very behaviour from the men in your relationships. We can’t lament their lack of inaction if we’re not prepared to unmask and let go of our own inaction.
We use talking and thinking too much to mask our true inaction because if we put ourselves in the position of actually doing something we would have to deal with confronting uncomfortable things about ourselves and/or be in the driving seat of our own lives rather than place the responsibility on someone else.
What we don’t realise is that even if we do place the responsibility for our happiness (or misery) on someone else, it doesn’t change the fact that we’re still responsible for us.
Quite frankly, you can think all you want to think about him but it’s not going to change anything and the scary thing is that one day you wake up and realise that life for you, has come to a standstill whilst you’ve wallowed in your pain, overthinking, and indecision, and he’s off living his life.
If you profess that you want to be personally happy and to be in a positive relationship with someone, you have to realise that you must process your relationship – that’s acknowledge the good, the bad, and the ugly, grieve it, let go and move on.
How much evidence are you sitting on? How about weighing it up, processing it, and drawing a conclusion so that you can give yourself closure? How about putting yourself in the position of having to either do something, or stop talking and thinking?
Your thoughts?
Get ahead on understanding waste of space men and relationships with my ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download. Also find out more about my No Contact Rule web seminar, or if you need personal advice or analysis of your relationship, check out my consultation service.
{ 160 comments… read them below or add one }
← Previous Comments
BRAD, DE and TRUTHHURTS… P.S. thank you for taking the time and responding to my comment. you don’t know how much they really and truly do help.
Hahaha..funny, I just googled ‘him’ after such a long time, cause there was a wee longing just to have a tiny bit of contact… and the message on google before clicking onto his site read…’this site might damage you computer’… yeah right… sooo right!! What a great message, the warning taken, I didn’t go there. The universe is telling me to stay away. I’m listening.
Hope you are feeling better Jennifer
I meant your… that faux pa was pretty accurate
aphrogirl
I cannot do full NC because we work in the same building. (that’s how we met) I have considered just being casual acquaintances and leaving it at that though.
His ‘poor me, pity me’ routine is starting to wear on my nerves. It’s like dealing with a 12 or 13 year old boy just entering puberty. There is just so much unnecessary drama. It’s very tiring.
He is very attractive, and knows it, and he relies so heavily on looks and charm. I see through it now, and it disgusts me.
@ JENNIFER – i just ready your comment. I TOTALLY understand how you feel.. My xEUM and i have been broken up a month, NC for two weeks as of today. I already know he’s in a new relationship with someone else and has blatantly made it a point to make it known he’s “in love” with this person although he told me two weeks ago, that he was still “in love” with me. I do still worry at times if he’s doing all the things with her that he did with me. Also worry about if his love for me is real. Is he really in love with her? Blah Blah.. Its normal. Its like How can he be so happy joy joy when I’m over here suffering? So I decided to take back my life, its not easy at all I swear to you, i cried last nite. But you have to take control. Do things that make u happy.I ask myself every time i start to obsess, ALEX, WHAT IS IT ABOUT HIM U ARE OBSESSING OVER? WAS HE GOOD TO YOU? DID HE RESPECT YOU? DID HE MAKE U FEEL SPECIAL?
I then get the true answer. NO, NO AND NO. For me I think I got used to having “someone” there, and now that the space is empty, I feel a little lost. So I do things to fill that void, I went and got my hair done, put on some make up, flirted with some guy at the gas station and slowly but surely i realized the obsessing about Him and her goes away, it comes back sometimes, but i ask myself again… ALEX WHY ARE U OBSESSING? WAS HE GOOD TO U? and so on. If he really cared, he would not have put me in the position that I’m in today.
WE ALL DESERVE TO BE HAPPY. I’m not going to sit here and be sad while he LIVES it up. When i start to feel down, I force myself to get up and do something for ME. Always remember YOU come first. I know its hard because now there’s that void there and it dont help when he’s out there being lovey dubey with the next woman.
But trust, a leopard DOES NOT change its spots. For me I kno he was a complete Jerk when I was with him and he’ll be a complete Jerk to her.. HECK! He was a jerk to her when they were “just friends”. When i obsess, i start to laff at them. Laff at him because he’s an idiot, and laff at her because she’s a bigger idiot and I am smarter than the two of them put together.
I’m no longer going to dehydrate myself by shedding tears over an EUM. I need my water to keep ME hydrated..so I can think clearly.
*hugss*
Alexandria’s last blog post..MrsGottabodie: takn kids to school . im tired. no work for me today!
Jennifer,
If he is not doing any ‘work’ on himself spiritually or other… he will do exactly the same to the next girl, by his very nature. If you must make a fantasy, (and I say this from experience) go a bit easier on yourself and give yourself fantasies of all the meanness in him and project that into his next relationship and you will feel better that someone else is putting up with it, and feel sorry for her, it is closer to the truth of what will happen!!!. This helped me from getting into ‘the other girl gets more than me thinking’, it gave me a rest from the pain and gave me another story to think about and kind of made me feel better, although it might be a while before you allow yourself to want to feel better, know that that’s part of it and the wanting to feel better will take time, I hope you get there soon, then it will get better. Try to leave yourself alone for a bit, you are already so hurt, don’t beat yourself up more, and I’m not just saying that to make you feel better. He will do the same to the next person, don’t think anyone gets a good deal with this guy, and if they do it will only be to hook them in till he shows his true colors. There is a great posting here, not sure something like ‘why her not me’, it’s a great read.. xx Strength
@ truthhurts, Often the one we see the least clearly is ourselves. I am concerned at your mention of the previous trauma. You may be correct in thinking that experiencing the pain again, now, is related to his invasion of your boundaries, of the betrayal of your best interests. But it may be time to ask a professional to help you understand better what is interfering with your life now. There may be other things that tie in as well – such as wondering if you brought this on yourself (No!), if the disrespect is something you deserver (Not!), if this is some kind of punishment for what happened back then (No!).
It may be that this recent relationship, and its turmoil, is bringing back some unresolved issues. That happens to all of us. When the issues get in our way, though, it may be time to get assistance.
Luck.
@ Jennifer,
Remember the parable of how an Eskimo turns a rock into gold. Sit and watch the rock for a full day, and never once think of walrus (an assumed staple of their diet). You don’t stop thinking of something – you think of something else. Call it enertainment, distraction, work, hobby – there are MineSweeper and WebSudoku.com and other games, there are library and personal books, there are friends and volunteer opportunities. There is housework, and yardwork, and gardening. When you feel this badly, I would avoid heavy machinery and all but the briefest and most habitual car trips – rely on friends, family, public transportation.
Don’t expect him to drop from your awareness at once, or easily. But you have to start somewhere. Jogging, exercising, walking – concentrate on what you are doing as much as possible. Each time, and every time, your thoughts stray back to him – focus again on what you are doing. Needlepoint, latch hooking, knitting, clothes mending – these require you keep the pattern in mind and hands busy, while allowing for extra thought. Think of where you want to be in a year, what you want to be doing – whether you will want new sheets and kitchen towels by then. Plan, mentally, the meals you will cook in the next month – plan each, build up a shopping list, inventory your pantry.
I would avoid TV and print media with advertising – like the plague. You already have a concentration issue – the crass stories and deliberately intrusive commercials will not be good for you.
Write letters. Actual, page-like, pen and paper letters. Write to family. Anything you address you him – tear it up before you start writing. For goodness’ sake, don’t contact him. You have nothing to say to him that he will hear, and the saying won’t help you. And anything he has to say will only hurt you worse.
But letter writing can be very helpful. Aunts, cousins, parents, friends. Leave out gossip – what you think about him, facts about what he has done.
I think he is the wrong person to share your life. And if he is not sharing your life – it doesn’t matter what he does or does not do. I fact, I would wish him well – may he find something, somewhere, that occupies him and keeps him from tormenting you ever again.
Dwelling on whether there is another woman in his life, and what they do – is your projecting your own feelings and wants onto here – someone you don’t even know. This is a tie to him that you will need to recognize, and let go. If you tell yourself, out loud, at least once an hour that what he does since you parted is unimportant to you – who knows, you might start believing it! I hope so, anyway.
Hot tea, with lemon and honey. Do the formal teapot and steeping and all – make a ceremony of it, at least twice a day. Practice setting a place for yourself with two finger cookies only – make a production of it! Create a cheery setting where you can practice enjoying the day and life.
Blessed be!
Brad K.’s last blog post..For a happy marriage – look for the smile.
Thanks for your thoughts Brad. I am already seeing a psychologist but I will certainly mention this to her. I don´t think I blame myself for what happened back then or now with the EUM. But it does worry me how matter of fact I take these intrusions in my life from the EUM. I simply don´t know if I would be overreacting (due to the trauma) in finding his contacting me as crossing boundaries.
But I guess since it doesn´t feel good that automaticly means he IS crossing my boundaries.
Brad you are amazing!!!! ::))
thanks to all that read and responded to my comments. your words have really helped me.
Hi Everyone,
I need some good advise. I have had a crush on this guy since grad 7. We had a couple of flings in highschool but nothing to serious. Anyways after highschool we drifted apart and didnt talk for 4 years. I contacted him on facebook and so we met up. I had always thought about him and wanted to see if my feelings were still there. They definately were. The 2nd time we met up I admitted my feelings to him and we slept together. We continued to sleep together for about 4 months and the majority of the time it was me putting in all the effort. He did say at the beginning he didnt want anything serious but the nieve girl that I am figured his feelings would grow for me. Out of know where he says we cant do it anymore because my feelings for him are to strong and that he doesnt want me to get really hurt.
Its been just over a month since he ended things with me and i still think about him about a million times a day. I have tried many times to convince him to continue the fling with me but he wont. He actually probably thinks I am a total whacko!!
Please help me get over him…its controlling me life.
@ Miss Hurt,
Why did you distrust and disrespect him so much that you disbelieved him – considered him a liar – when he said he didn’t want anything serious?
As you found out – sex clouds the ability to honestly evaluate and select a partner. You cannot earn his devotion with sex – you earn devotion by being respectful to yourself, your partner, and others. You earn respect and trust over time, by acting with honor and respect. Sexual encounters are a sharing, a gift. The gift is more effective, and more rewarding, when we choose carefully how and with who we share. It sounds like you were in the sack without even checking to see that he was still honest, honorable, loyal, compassionate – a good mate prospect and co-parent prospect.
“See what I did/gave to you!” is a hollow gift. No matter the energy you put in, the value you place on the gift – it isn’t really a gift unless it meet’s his wants and needs.
What to do now? Heal, grieve the loss of one that had been important to you. Seek a grief counselor if you need one, to help guide you through the confusion and hurt. Be reasonable, responsible, and respectful to yourself and others in the future. Beware of perpetual daters that want to win lots of bed partners, instead of an honorable man that respects you and wants to make you happy. Next time you find yourself falling into bed right away – run away fast. You don’t need the manipulation and retreat from reality a proven bed-partner-winner will heap on you. You want a home and family, not another sex adventure.
Brad K.’s last blog post..Don’t love harder.
That is the only way I can not think about him is to keep myself busy
I notice whenever I am doing nothing my thoughts drift to him which birngs about a desire to contact him but when Im busy and keep myself occupied he doesn’t enter my thoughts .. this is three months into no contact
Also like someone else does I also find it works to say stop giving him the time of day and force with effort my thoughts to think about other stuff .. this does take work.. and it is work to stay away
The other thing is to keep in reality ..
Why do you want to be friends with someone who disrepected you in a major way lied to you not just once but again and again .. didn’t you humiliate yourself the enough the first time round that you want a second dose ??? this usually brings me back to reality and I leave the phone alone and do other stuff ..
It is hardwork and takes an effort though but it is better than not getting on with your own life cos also he is not thinking about you …. I just say hey he probably doesn’t even remember your name by now ..
Hi,
I’m at 4 months of NC. I just found out my ex is still with the woman he was cheating on me with for the entire year we were together. I’m still looking for reasons to blame myself. This post is just bang on. I don’t miss the drama and the lies, but need to continually try hard to silence the “what could I have done differently to make him commit to me?” question that keeps going through my brain. I know I’ve got to work at it. Does it eventually get any easier and go away?
Cornelia
I know what you mean- im 4months myself and while it does get easier the more time passes its incredible how we can find ourselves still thinking about these men. I know I do.
I still ask myself the question if there was anything that i could have done for things to have turned out differently and all the why’s that come with that. I am grateful for getting through the first couple of months however– which were pure hell and now I can say that I can at least breathe a little easier with much less pain. The one thing that I continue to tell myself is that I deserve much more than that and that only I can change who and what I allow into my life. Shame on them for not appreciating the things that we brought to the relationship. In the end, for me, it would have been nice to know that he no longer wanted something with me……..I could have respected that. But when someone tries to take advantage, string you along and lie about it to your face……thats when it becomes much more hurtful and disrespectful. I know I asked the question (because I felt something was up) many times…and always got the same answer: No, that is all in your head! I love you. Why do you keep thinking these things (as if it were me who was wrong). In the end I think that is what hurt me the most. The fact that he held on to me instead of letting me go. I had to do and figure this out for myself and end the relationship rather than him having the deceny to step up to the plate. Now, every once in awhile I still wonder why i wasnt enough but I now know that with these men it isnt about us…. its about the lack of integrity, conscious, consideration, respect, honesty (I can go on) that is soo lacking in their character. Im sure there wasnt anything that you nor I could have done differently to have had them remain committed to us… they are just not capable. So now the new girl has to figure this out for herself. And I just tell myself… either she is willing to accept his bad behaviour or she just hasnt realized who he really is yet. Just be glad that we did and that we were strong enough not to allow someone to continue to treat us that way. In the end, its about how he treated us regardless of how he is treating the next person. For whatever reason, they cheated and lied…..and whether or not he is doing the same with the other girl is really not my concern…….my concern is…. you didnt appreciate nor value ME or OUR relationship…….and that is all I need to know that I should be with you.
Stay strong…….with time it does get better!!!
Correction: That is all I need to know to NOT be with you
KAREN- your post sounds like i could of written it myself. it gives me hope to see that other wonderful women CAN actually move on….i know it takes time. but we can get there.
Karen–
When you bring up that you do not like how you are being treated and a man tells you in response, “No, you’re wrong…I really love you,” he is really telling you that you are analyzing the facts wrong…that you should not trust your judgment of the facts. (!!!)
This is the crux of how these types of men get away with their behavior, and string you, and sometimes other women, along. It’s called “crazy-making behavior” for this reason!
I always wonder: do they figure in their little heads that women do not “deserve” respect because they choose to believe them? What goes on in their heads, exactly? No matter what it is, it has to be based on pure selfishness; right?
This is why men don’t get why women stay, and then get upset about how they were treated later.
I don’t see how women do the self-blaming, to be honest. I just see the pattern of all women choosing to believe these men when so many facts and so much evidence shows that they should not. When the guy tells you, “I love you,” you will want to believe him. And that is the clincher.
Used:
Once again– that is why at the beginning we blame ourselves (that is our lack of self esteem talking– and essentially the problem) and only later after much thought and reflection do we realize that it is “WE” as women who have to become more savvy and or have better boundries etc… in order to not get caught up in these types of situations (hence me being on this site). Unfortunately I was one of those women who wanted to believe more in the words than in the actions. Who didnt pay more attention to her gut feeling and got caught up in the “crazy making”. I didnt love myself enough to trust myself more than I trusted him and I certainly didnt love myself enough to not have to settle for crumbs. The issue wasnt essentially what he was doing or not doing– but more so, what was I doing in response to that and what was going on. These men exist and I cannot change them or that fact, nor what they do but I can change whether or not I respond to these types of men or better yet— not respond at all!!! So, he may have had his cake and ate it too (and he certainly got a big bite out of me) but not gonna focus my energy on WHY he is the way he is……or WHY he did it etc…. gonna focus more on why I allowed myself to be there for soo long and what I can do for myself to ensure that it doesnt happen again. As far as im concerned, he would have strung me along as long as he could as long as I would have allowed him to. And like you said: Yes– it has to come from selfishness for these men to actually think that it is ok to do this all the while saying to themselves: “oh well… i dont have to take any responsibility for taking someone on a joy ride”. What lack of empathy and consideration that is to KNOW that you are lieing and that the other person is more “invested” emotionally and to choose to take advantage of that anyway (it makes me sick) That is why I have set out to make sure this doesnt happen to me again. He was my stepping stone, my “epiphany relationship” but i sure as heck will make sure that the next time, I listen to my gut, that i believe the facts and that I do not allow an I LOVE YOU to cloud my thinking. And ladies– the key to all of this is really valuing and loving ourselves and making sure that we are not STARVING for love because seriously, if I would have loved myself more HIS I love you wouldnt have meant that much. In fact, like NML says all the time: How do we expect someone else to love and value and appreciate us if we dont even feel that way about ourselves? The universe can only send us and match what our own expectations are… lets make sure we set our standards and expectations high (or work on that part of ourselves) to make sure what we get back is exactly what we expected and deserve. What do you want and deserve? Do you feel you even deserve it? What ever answer you give is what your gonna get…. so make sure before you venture out there again you got this part pretty downpacked and you actually believe it… i know im trying to make sure of that! 
Yes I agree and as a women who HAD bad relationship habits– this has been my biggest lesson (I say HAD because it helps me to continue to work hard on the “NEW ME”
Karen~ Your comment is right on!
“What lack of empathy and consideration that is to KNOW that you are lieing and that the other person is more “invested†emotionally and to choose to take advantage of that anyway (it makes me sick) That is why I have set out to make sure this doesnt happen to me again.”
Amen and good for you, Karen. THis is so true and I’m with you and vow to do everything possible not to let it happen again. I’ve learned so much from reading your posts. Thank you.
Brad thanks so much for your comments. Its great to hear a guys perspective.
While we were sleeping together i would always say how into him I was and that if feelings werent mutual then it needed to stop, it was like he always knew what to say. He would say things like “i wouldnt be doing this if i didnt like you”. But then at the end he says “well i told you from the beginning I didnt want anything serious” like wtf???
He wants to just stay friends now but how can I do that when my feelings for him are so strong and will just want to be with him. Also I dont want to lose him and we have mututal friends that will wonder about us. Our 4 month fling is a secret.
Also Brad what do you mean by your first line?
“Why did you distrust and disrespect him so much that you disbelieved him – considered him a liar – when he said he didn’t want anything serious?”
Miss Hurt – What I meant was, he made a statement or observation. He told you he didn’t want anything serious.
And you didn’t trust him enough to believe he told the truth. You didn’t respect him enough to take his words as true.
A cheap used car salesman has a reputation for “getting a foot in the door” and “closing the deal” and playing the “assumed sale” game. We don’t manipulate or ignore what people say, when we respect and trust them.
And if you didn’t respect *and* trust him – why did you waste the time to consider him as a long term relationship partner?
You heard him at the time, you even remember hearing his words. But the actions you took weren’t respectful. You didn’t respect yourself enough to want a partner-prospect with sterling character, and you didn’t respect him enough to thank him for his time and go home. I suppose you might have indulged in a sex adventure, but not if your real desire is for a home and someone to care for.
Just as his initial words – that he didn’t want anything serious – turned out to be true, and still are true, you still don’t want to believe him after the affair ended.
You already lost him, because he was never in a relationship with you. He was polite, for a time, and enjoyed a sex adventure with you. Nothing more. Losing him now is not an issue. You cannot *win* him, or seduce him into a relationship – only another disheartening sex adventure.
Sex graces many healthy relationships. But sex without a relationship is just sex, with the risk of STD and babies.
Right now, your needs have to come first. You have to grieve and heal from your recent affair, you have to understand why you chose to pursue someone unsuitable for a long term relationship – or you will pick someone else just as unsuitable. Learn to love and respect yourself, and avoid people that say things you cannot respect or trust.
He isn’t in a relationship with you, and you need to recover. Any contact with him will work against you as you struggle to accept that he isn’t going to be a partner for you. Don’t drive him away or be angry with him if you don’t feel that way – but don’t allow him to be intimate or friendly or invade your home. And don’t go to places where he might be, or places that he enjoys.
Luck!
Brad K.’s last blog post..Don’t love harder.
I feel so incredibly stupid tonight because my EUM has been blowing me off for a week ever since we had sex, (first time) and I humiliated myself today by sending him an email that basically said “Im still here, still want you”. I don’t know why I left the door open for him to just waltz back in whenever he wants. Now that I realize how dumb that is I feel too stupid to email him back and say “nevermind”. I know I just need to get on with my life but I don’t understand how he could be so complimentary about me, and say he wanted to see me again and then blow me off with no explanation. I just don’t understand men. I am trying so hard not to obsess about this but it’s all I think about and keep asking WHY? I know that he probably will never tell me why and I need to move on. I keep wondering what I did wrong. I dont know why he cant just tell me. Why does it hurt so much when guys blow you off?
Hi BR
I know it really hurts when you can’t find the answer to situations like these. It is one of the worst places to be in – doubting your self, reliving every second trying to find the answer and wondering if things could have been different … but the things is the past is the past and there is nothing you can do to change things.
I did the exact same thing to my first EUM – I sent him drunk texts telling him I missed him and wished he was still with me. I even ended up one night at his doorstep *cringe* … I hated that I chased and chased and chased, which resulted in me with depression. He made me doubt myself so much because he told me he promised he would stay in my life and he never, he would text me when he wanted attention but when I asked to meet up he would decline. So I stopped. Unfortunately I was still hung up on him after 5 months, and I had never resolved any of my self-esteem issues, which was why I ended up with my next EUM.
It took a lot in me and some major knock backs to finally kick my arse into gear and to finally listen to my inner voice and tell them to get the heck out my life. BR you need to concentrate on yourself, because you know yourself that you will not get an answer. I know it is hard not to obsess, but you need to draw a line at this point now. You have sent the email but DO NOT send another, not even to say ‘nevermind’. You need to go cold turkey and keep on the no contact, it may just be the best thing you ever do because once the tinted glasses are off, and you have the chance to saw the situation at an objective stance you will be surprised at how much clarity you can have. You will look at this and think ‘I cannot believe I got myself into that’.
Be prepared though because once you stop contacting him, and he realises that he isn’t getting his ego fix from you he may start contacting YOU. This is exactly what both my EUMs did. My EUMs did not tell me to go away because they loved me chasing them – it made them feel like a ‘man’. They basked in the glorry of having women chasing them and telling them how much they are needed, and once that attention is gone they want it back. But don’t make the mistake of taking the assclown back again, and again, because you may find yourself in my situation that sees him running away … again. Have a look at NML’s pushy pulley posts, or blowing hot and cold posts.
Like I said – have no contact, concentrate on your life, and try to figure out way you chase unavailable men. I know it hurts now, but it will pass. Trade your rose tinted glasses in for some sunglasses for the summer
BR,
I am sorry. No one should feel unhappy about trying to build a happy and rich relationship.
The reason he hasn’t been close to you in the hours and days since sleeping with you don’t matter. He has already communicated one thing to you, and that quite clearly. He doesn’t want to be there for you.
Electronic communication may be taking the place of snail mail, and phone calls, yet intimacy, especially sex, is skin to skin. Face to face. When you communicate intimately being physically together, deliberately and actively communicating with each other (without distractions), is best. You give up cues of sight, smell, and body language when you make a phone call, but you still get a chance to distinguish emotion, pauses, get to re-ask questions or offer explanations when needed. But texting, emails, tweeting – these can be cut-and-pasted and you wouldn’t necessarily know if you are communicating or receiving a community wide “Sorry I was late last night” sent to 20 different “contacts”.
My first reaction was to get a nice card, write in “I enjoyed our time together, while it lasted. Thanks!” – and mail it to him. Two reasons – one, it reminds him that sleeping together is a social engagement, and has social consequences beyond the wriggling under the sheets. And second, it helps you to grasp the “let the mistake go” part. The reason for the gracious note? To keep in practice being polite no matter the provocation. One of Tamora Pierce’s characters makes a comment about “You don’t have to take back words that weren’t said.” He doesn’t need to hear harsh words – he won’t hear them anyway. And you don’t want any more clouds over your memory of sharing.
Sex can be wonderful gift in a relationship. But the relationship has to exist, first, or you are more likely to overlook the fact that no relationship does or will exist. I call this a “sex adventure”. This is not the way to begin a shared life with a cherished companion.
Brad K.’s last blog post..For a happy marriage – look for the smile.
Hi all really need some advice on how to move on,not sure what way to turn or if anything im doing is right
I was,up until 2 weeks ago,with a married man for five years i waited in the wings as i got al the usual reasons for him not leaving,then we agreed that he couldnt leave bcos of his children but that wed carry on seeing each other,then a few mnths ago he told me he was going to leave again with no pressure frm me so i was waiting to see what woulb happen but his wife has found out and thrown him out,he still sees his kids but wnt have anything to do with me he just says his feelings have changed that i was a mistake and that his kids are all thats important,if that was the case i asked why he hadnt ended it ages ago and his response is that he was scared of me and that i would tell his wife,and that he dosent love me anymore after 5 years so why am i still holding out any hope on someone who longer has any feelings for me,he has been ignoring all texts and calls until a few days ago and has now agreed to meet me somewhere public but says he dnt see the point as his feelings havent changed but all i want is an explanation of why i am taking all the blame and mayb if he tells me to my face how he feels instead of on the phone then mayb it will sink in
should i meet him to hear that do you think it will help me move on or should i just not go i really dnt know what to do and i dnt understand where the person i use to be has gone
please help any advice is welcome
Thanks for the advice. What kills me the most is not knowing why. I know in the end it doesnt matter, but I hate the not knowing. I could never understand how a guy can be so loving and so caring one minute and literally by the next day he’s out. I just do not understand.
Amazing to read of experiences so similar to my own. Yet, still seek more confirmation.
I met a man last June–(works with child behavioural issues). He text me incessantly which took me by suprise and I perceived all the texting to be, because he really liked me and wanted to get to know me. He has a fantastic intellect and can be extremely challenging within conversation, which I have liked . From the beginning of the relationship, he spoke of ‘power and control’ issues, and how relationships need to be built on autonomy and equality. I agree.
He lives in another town about two hours drive away and I have been travelling there every two weeks. He travels here each week for work and occassionally spends the night here.
Over the course of the relationship, I have noticed how his actions do not align with his words and I have found that disconcerting coming form someone who claims to have so much knowledge and eexperience. He is 45years old.
I ended the relationship 6 weeks ago after a string of events.
1. He came to my house and openly flirted with a flatmate. Telling me that “we had been set up by the flatmates’,
2. A message from another woman popped up on his computer when I was using it. He deleted her profile telling me it was of no consequence to him whether she was there and it was a profile he should of deleted a long time ago and didnt get round to it. He appeared completley innocent and suprised that I was so concerned by it. ???Cant make sense of that one. He said the last time he used yahoo was to message his brother. Hes not interested in it. It bores him. As most people are’doughnuts’.
3. He began to make regular statements -” I am selfish, lack impulse contol etc.” Speaking of himself.
4. When I spoke of making future plans he felt anxious as he would say there is no certainty. ‘Lets see how things develop’.
After ending it and trying to bring some closure into my life and move on, he texts me and wants to get back together. He tells me that he had been living with so much pain and did not want to admit to himself that he cared and with the breakup realised he did. We did a lot of talking and yes I am back. And, so why am I on this site. Why am I plagued with so much indeciceveness and uncertainty? I have four children, three whom live at home and have mentioned twice that I would like him to get to know them. Yesterday he told me we have not even known each other a year and as we are in an adult relationship if anything should go wrong it would have a negative impact on the children. I agee. Yet I have bonded with his boy, and he recognises the connection there. And. he tells me that he doesnt think about whether he wants to be with me or not. He jst knows that he wants to be with me and that we should only envisage joy joy joy and not pain pain pain. So. why would he say to me “if my place was bigger you could bring the children down” then say he needs more time to get to know me before bringing the children into it. six months into the relationship he was telling me he wanted to get me pregnant and that I would have his name!!
I understand that he has a painful, violent past. And i know that he views the world in a very different way which I like. His ideas are refreshing. So. Why doesnt it feel right? I know that I am giving him the benefit of the doubt. Im suggesting that he is misunderstood. Im hoping that everything I came to believe about him via the breakup is not true. I would like him to be a part of my life, my family`s, and he knows that and he is holding back. It has almost been a year of talking and getting to know each other. Isnt that enough time? If you cared about somebody wouldnt you want to get to know their children?
I would appreciate some non biased advice.
This is a man who values his freedom.
@ Nett,
I think you are asking the wrong questions, and not hearing what he is telling you.
For one, he told you his feelings have changed. That means – everything is over. Whether it has been for a while, whatever happened – perhaps his lawyer explained how having you in the picture will cost him really, really big bucks as well as home, kids, etc. – everything has changed. Either you respect him and find him a suitable companion, or you figure he is a liar. If he is a liar – why do you want him? If you respect him – accept that he is gone.
You should really be asking yourself – how can you trust a man that is lying to someone else, like maybe – his wife? Whatever you have told yourself since meeting him, you initially picked him to get intimate with – because he was unavailable. No threat of change in your life. Comfortable, at a nice remove. You didn’t want a life-mate, or you would have run away, fast, from someone willing to cheat and deceive anyone.
How could you really want someone in your life that you couldn’t trust? Maybe for a drunken sex adventure, for a night or two, if you are willing to risk the dangers and hurts, and you are willing to risk picking up unproductive and unhealthy habits. Otherwise ..
You need to respect yourself. You also need to stop stalking him – he made it clear your attention is unwelcome – that means you are violating his life when you persist. There may be legal as well as personal and social consequences. He has already said, in words and deed, all you need to hear from him.
Why didn’t it work out for you? Because you picked the wrong man, with the wrong kind of character (deceives, disloyal, dishonest, manipulative) for a long term relationship. Shoes don’t stretch, and men don’t change. If he were ever willing to consider marrying you or making a life with you – a real man would have first told you to wait, and ended his marriage. Then, after picking up all the broken pieces, start to build a relationship with you – and if that worked, then consider sharing sheets.
Your task, should you choose to accept it, is to ask yourself why you didn’t want a functional man with good character to begin with, and why you are willing to consider this guy with his baggage and his letting life drive him when he gets caught with his pants down.
NML’s book about Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl talks about why women end up, or choose to be, “the other woman”.
Luck!
@ Cara,
NML wrote earlier about how constant texting is a symptom of one type of relationship that has gone badly awry. Guys that aren’t able or interested in actual people-type communication use texting to say what they want – and ignore what they want. It is very manipulative, and lends itself to deceit.
There was a line on the Today show a few weeks ago that really sums things up nicely. “Why does a man cheat? Every time a man cheats, you have a failure of character.” You don’t need to list his character flaws. Each is a warning flag – that is, a show-stopper. Each time you run across a red flag you have to stop and evaluate – because each and every red flag is an occasion that you should consider ending the relationship.
You should seek out guys with good character, good emotional bonds to parents and family, to friends, to people he works with. You should be disappointed if he falls short – but you should also be ready to decide, once again, at every red flag – “Do I really want to be here?”
In your case you have a more immediate issue. When he makes statements like “I am selfish, lack impulse contol etc.” – he is asking permission to act out, to strike out physically and emotionally. You grant that permission by remaining in his presence. Words like this are preludes to battery and assault.
And even if the words didn’t mean you are and have been in physical danger from him – you cannot ignore or misunderstand words like this. Either he is telling the truth and you are in danger – or you disrespect him and consider him to be a liar – in which case – why would you want to be near, let alone with, someone prone to the appearance or practice of bullying and harmful behavior?
His boy is his responsibility. You cannot put yourself at risk to try to “save” or nurture his boy. As a parent you are responsible for the safety of your children, and avoiding nearly certain harm at his hands comes under the heading of – as a parent you aren’t permitted to take that risk.
Aside from the physical danger problem – consider how confused you are, how very painful his change-about choices and decisions are. Is this really the guy you want co-parenting your children? Aren’t they better off if you find a man that is mostly functional, disciplined, honorable, etc.?
I don’t see any question about him – he is a thug and a bully to be avoided at all costs, and immediately if not sooner. NML’s No Contact rules are good guidelines to enact a quick separation, and create space for you to heal and recover, and start searching for the reasons you chose someone so unsuitable. Because you sure don’t want to pick another guy likely to harm you.
Luck!
Brad K.’s last blog post..Don’t love harder.
Brad
Thanks, i did meet with him and we talked and i feel like now i can move on, he was still trying to reel me back in after all that he said saying that in time who knows what might happen but i did not allow myself to believe him this time .
i have accepted that it wil still hurt for a while and there will always be unanswered questions but that its time to let go
After much soul searching i have realised that i must have had self esteem issues to ever get involved with someone who was already taken and although it was him who constantly pursued me i should have had enough dignity to say no,so instead of concentrating on what could have been i shall now be concentrating on my own issues and put my own life back together,thanks for your help
Hi Brad – thanks again!
I have totally made a fool of myself i did basically beg him to continue and said some stuff that was pretty whacko. I do recognize that for sure and it actually makes me laugh – he was totally like a drug to me. I feel like a total idiot though knowing he prob thinks I am a whack job.
Should I bother trying to explain myself (for my own sake to feel better)?
Its just killing me i cant get him out of my head and i know i shouldnt but I always wonder if he thinks about me.
Also it was the best sex we both had – why would he want to stop?!?!
Brad – 1 last thing…
I have written quite a few texts to him asking (almost begging) him to continue and while he says he wants to he also says its not a good idea and has actually asked me to stop writing him those awkward texts. I have totally come across as a whack job and honestly I am not – should I try to explain myself or just leave it alone and let him think whatever??
Also thanks so much for your words – this is fantastic. But also reading your stuff makes me totally think its all my fault and while i shouldnt be angry at him i totally am!!
Miss Hurt,
I don’t know your whole story, but it sounds familar to mine. I came off sounding crazy when I found out he’d been spending significant time with his ex. Ended up feeling like I was obsessive and insecure and that is probably how I got described to his friends. But what he probably didn’t tell them was that he lied to me about who he was spending the day with. We can’t undo our past actions, we can only try to learn from them and not do the same in the future.
Tomorrow will be my one week of No Contact, today has been hard. Been thinking about him alot. Have to keep reminding myself he is not a healthy person to have in my life. A relationship with me was not a priority for him. I deserve to be a priority in someone’s life.
Hang in there, together we’ll all get through it and get healthier.
Thanks Brad for the advice. You made it sound so simple.
To be honest, Im not sure what Im going to do or even what I want to do.
I think I need more than luck.
cara, what did you mean by this statement: “Im hoping that everything I came to believe about him via the breakup is not true.” ?
When I ended the relationship. I began to search for some answers and came across literature about manipulators.
And had convinced myself that, that was what he was. Then when he came back after two weeks, I succumbed. Its crazy. It really is.
I dont know what else it is going to take for me to discover truth. Is this guy a narcississt, a manipulator and EU or all the above.
I like to think he really does care…
That maybe he doesnt know his own mind.
What I mentioned in my earlier post are only some of the things that went on. It has felt like at times that you say the sky is blue, believe it to be blue, know its blue and someone comes along and tells you that it is green.
What else do I need to hear? When I said to him that he indicated to me that we had a future,by mentioning marriage and babies, he says “I was only speaking generally, thats something we could of done”. Eh?? Did I not hear I want to get you pregnant. Stop taking the pill.
Aint it awful. It feels like youre going crazy at times. And. You know what. I dont like playing games.
my ex left our LTR 6 months ago. He recently contacted me as he wanted to talk about what we’ve both been going through. He said he’s starting to understand a little bit of what I’m feeling but wanted to get a better perspective. Well, you left, it hurts, I am doing my best to get on with life. He said sometimes he misses me and it hurts. I do genuinely love him. I do want him to be happy. I do see my part in this. I couldn’t be best friends instantly. He didn’t seem to understand that, in fact, he suggested we remain living together. Um…no. I don’t see how our relationship could have stayed together without real counselling. I suggested it, he didn’t want it. So I am going on my own, to take a deep look at myself and improve me. And I’m doing great at that. Yet I still wish there was a chance for us. Do I lay my cards on the table 6 months down the track to say I do love you and want to be together, or am I just setting myself up for another rejection.
@ Miss Hurt,
The difference between explaining yourself and begging for another chance can get iffy, both for you and for him. It is much better that you don’t try.
If you are concerned that your messages have been uncomfortable for him, or seemed rude to him, then a polite “I am sorry. Good bye” would likely be OK. But that leads to an “I will still miss you” or “I will think of you always” – and you need other directions in your life, and the time to start is now.
I am *sorry* if I sounded like what happened was your fault. That isn’t true. What I do think, though, is that you will have to recover and move on by yourself. When you take control over who you spend time with, whether you consider a guy as a for a date – or as a mate-prospect – then you will no longer at the mercy of the dysfunctional bozos wandering around out here.
You asked “it was the best sex we both had – why would he want to stop?!?!” A sexual encounter is like a ball game. A scratch game with neighbors, or a semi-pro season – but seasons end, etc. Sex adventures are fun. But sex is either a sex-adventure or a gift we share within the framework of a relationship – it cannot take the place of a relationship. You might as well have said “he was the best drinking buddy ever – why would he suddenly want to drink somewhere else?!”
The success or strength of a relationship – of staying with someone with common goals and an intent desire to build a common life with another – is not measured in how spectacular the sex is. At its best, the enjoyment and excitement of the sharing bonds us together, builds memories and appreciation for the sharing, provides excitement to celebrate and commemorate the joys of a life with your mate. Especially at the beginning of a relationship, great sex builds inertia to keep people together. Because there will be times when tiredness, injury, illness, bills, kids, family, and other distractions from noisy neighbors to military service or business trips will interfere.
Absolutely enjoy the greatest sex ever. But don’t confuse the excitement of sex without a relationship with the comfort and quiet joy of a shared life. IMO.
@ cara,
What you haven’t heard, what you are waiting for, is his permission to let the relationship be over. And you don’t want to believe it is over, so you haven’t told yourself that you *have* to get away from him, now.
The reason is that you aren’t choosing what you want. Instead you let others use you as they will.
Some people talk about having self esteem, or dignity. I usually think of the issue as being respect for yourself, responsibility to those around you. But there really are life-and-death choices and decisions. We can choose to run to the store after drinking a bottle of wine – or not. We can choose to see someone socially because that person is promiscuous and really, really likely to get jiggy with us – or we can instead choose to avoid people likely to harm us directly or indirectly.
If you are wondering whether you will have wasted the time spent with him, and worry about when and where you can find someone else to see socially – I think you are looking at the wrong choice. I think it is immensely clear that he will never be a safe, secure, dependable person to be around, and I cringe at the thought of him having contact with your children – I would rather they learn respect, honor, and honesty from the man you bring home. His brutality, his weakness in shunning discipline to claim “I have no self control” – gack. Let him take himself somewhere far from you or me.
If you had a daughter come to you, and describe a date with a guy like this (which is extremely likely of any child that shares a home with an adult like him) – wouldn’t you forbid her to see him again? Wouldn’t you rather have a daughter that called to be picked up, or that walked home, if a guy didn’t treat her with respect? (I read somewhere that it is the dates a girl walks home from that determine her character.) You are choosing for your friends, for your children, for your family as well as yourself.
When you first met this guy, you accepted or let him talk you into seeing him. Now you know that you should not see him again. What happens next can be quite simple. Don’t see him again. Take control of your life and safety. OK, that wouldn’t be fun to live with – everyone grieves when someone leaves their lives, for whatever reason. But deciding to make a choice, that can happen when you recognize a reason to make that choice. You have the power to choose or let others choose – use that power wisely.
Blessed be,
Brad K.’s last blog post..For a happy marriage – look for the smile.
Brad K, when I tried to break up with a man that I “tried it out” with (dating), he pushed it to become a relationship and I realized I was getting myself knee deep in something that I don’t want–so he repeatedly begged me to stay with him and give it one more chance. I was SO turned off I couldn’t believe it, and it made me feel guilty as hell for everything. We had spent barely a month together and I just knew I didn’t want to stay with someone like him because he needed to experience things I was already long past, lessons I’ve learned and didn’t want to torture not myself nor him in the process of how obnoxious it would be to go over things with him while he’s in the background trying to catch up with me. He convinced me into staying with him a bit longer, but I question how good I’m being to myself daily. He DOES treat me very well as far as affection, attention, and listening goes, but I know I’m settling for someone who’s mentally 1 mile behind. What to do?
Thanks again Brad!!!
I always get urges to text him and its like i cant not text him so i do and end up looking even more like a whack job…I just so want to move on.
Right now I am on day 4 of NC and really guys are simple they care or they dont and since he hasnt written me guess he just doesnt care.
Miss Hurt – with NC – you should be blocking any attempt he might make to try to contact you. That is – you should never know if he tried to contact you. Ever. It doesn’t matter, what you are doing with your life no longer concerns him, and his concerns no longer matter to what you are going to be doing.
So get his texts, phone, etc. blocked. Whether he cares or not doesn’t matter. Whether he hurts or not doesn’t matter. Don’t ignore his texts or messages, don’t just refuse to respond – prevent him from letting you know whether he ever tried.
That is what No Contact really means. Sitting and waiting to see if he calls – you are still obsessiong and overthinking .. Arggh! I just about typed the title of NML’s post! Sorry!
But really. No contact means no chance of contact, to the very best of your ability.
Luck.
Brad K.’s last blog post..Relationship endings
Hi I need advice.
I broke up with my EU bf after a recent explosive event. I had been wanting to leave the relationship for a while, but knew that if I did I would come crawling back. Rather than breaking up knowing this, I waited until I knew I wouldn’t crawl back to leave. I had suspicions that he had cheated on me a few days before his birthday (while I was sick in bed with pnemonia). He had never cheated on me before and actually lost his virginity to me, so it was pretty hard for me to believe. Like a dumbass, I still bought him some birthday presents and took him out to the casino.
About a week later I find the windows of my cars smashed. (One of his assclown friends) did it. The next day, I ind all the evidence I need about the cheating. He in fact did sleep with some girl in the living room of some party. What really disgusts me is the following. A few days after the day he cheated. I slept with him ( i didn’t know he cheated). The asshole haad the nerve to complain “I am sick of using condoms. why don’t you get birth control.” I am allergic to birth control. It hurt that he had no regard for my heath by trying to force birth control on me. But what hurt even more was that the girl he cheated on me with was on birth control!! (I had suspected thats where he had got the idea to suggest birth control to me at the time -from cheating- but I wasnt sure if he had cheated at that point). Well anyways, I dumped the dirtbag. I have not contacted him for 2 weeks and ignored his measly instant message and even more pathetic email.
I need help though. I cannot stop replaying him sleeping with this girl in my head. I am defintiely obsessing over that and it makes me sick. I am also obsessing over not kicking him to the curb sooner (like the weekend he cheated and his behavior was clearly meaner than usual) and the act that i actually gave this urchin birthday presents! How do I get this crap out of my head! I don’t want him back, but the pain of cheating is intense, and I can’t seem to forgive myself for being nice to him and buying him presents (when I had suspicians he was cheating, but no evidence).
Hayley,
You have started down a tough road – leaving that bozo behind. Going your own way is a change, and change is measured in pain and discomfort. Yes, it hurts, this is part of grieving the loss of someone significant in your life. Denial that he is gone for good, anger at him for forcing the break, bargaining to undo the loss, depression over being alone and being unsure whether you contributed to mess – all definite and distinct stages of grief. Eventually, you should get to acceptance that he is gone, acceptance that you made the right call, for good enough reasons. But that comes later.
Breaking the cycle of obsessing is going to take time, and work, and likely guidance from a trusted, respected counselor. I know that since you are not with him, that what he does, and who he is with now doesn’t matter at all. Who he cheated with, when and why, while you were together no longer matter to anyone you care about.
It may help you to read NML’s ebook on Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Sometimes information – understanding what happened, why this painful ending was unavoidable because of who you chose to be with, and why you chose that type of guy – sometimes the information helps.
But more importantly, gathering information distracts you from thinking about what the bozo and whatever mess he is involved with. You can decide to control the obsession, by keeping some activity at hand that you can concentrate on each time and every time you start to think about him.
Right now you are trying to project yourself onto him, to understand what drew him to this other woman. You are trying to project yourself onto her, to understand why she intruded into your life, second hand.
Cheating is actually pretty simple. Cheating is a failure of character. Cheating. The name itself displays the deceit, the disloyalty and disrespect for self and others. The actual acts of cheating are mere lurid details – don’t lose site of the main issue. He has no character. Whatever attracted you to him, whatever comfort you got from the relationship – it wasn’t because he was a good man, one that was likely to ever be worth your time.
Instead of focusing on the sex, and the condoms, and the risk of exposure to STD’s – focus on why you put up with a man with no character.
If you wanted a partner to be a life mate – you would have expected nothing less than respect, honor, honesty, compassion, etc. Instead you have a perpetual dater in your past, a sex adventurer. He was someone who’s goal in life is to win bed partners. He doesn’t respect you now, he likely never really did. Men don’t change. Change is uncomfortable, hurtful, even. As long as he believes his “winning ways” for winning bed partners works – he ain’t changing nothing essential.
If he had been a man, and the relationship was over for him, he would have ended with you – before even noticing another woman.
You can do yourself the most good by cutting contact with him and his destructive, violent life, and his thug buddies. If you need shelter from risk of physical harm – contact a shelter, right now. Breaking car windows is not a prank, it is a violent criminal act. It is scary, and you should be concerned about your safety.
If you keep thinking of him, try reading. If you find you keep reading the same text and don’t remember what you read – copy the book onto paper, use a pen or pencil. Practice, each time you start thinking of him – do something else. Eventually the rest of life will fill the part of your thoughts that he has stolen from you.
Luck!
WOW…reading all of these comments I must say I don’t feel so alone in the relationships boat. I met this man…and we connected on various levels. I was cautious at first…gave him every opportunity to walk away but he stuck…telling me he wanted to start a life with me…I was his bright shiny lighthouse…doll of his dreams the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. I moved to be near him, changed jobs and all that…(he couldnt come to me..military)…then when things got close he bolted. I became a lunatic..because I wanted what he promised…prior to coming there i asked him one last time did he really want to do this..he said yes…i told him I didnt want to get there and be dumped when the going got rough…i guess i knew…what would inevitiably happen. Now we are done…and I can’t stop obsessing…I can’t stop picking it apart analyzing and thinking it was all my fault..if i had just backed off and given him his space…to get his head together….but would it really??? I have such anxiety i can’t sleep or eat….how can i break this chain….and close the door and stop the thoughts of wanting to work it out when there is nothing to work out???
Hi Brad,
Thank-you for your response. The window thing was very scary. I would’ve ended it based on that alone.
It’s funny you mention this:
“Instead of focusing on the sex, and the condoms, and the risk of exposure to STD’s – focus on why you put up with a man with no character.”
Over the last few days I have been evaluating his character. A week ago, I couldn’t see how this man who I thought had genuine feelings turned on me. After careful examination, I realized I had been fooling myself the whole time. He has behaved terribly throughout the relationship. He has hung out with idiots throughout. I always (for some reason) seperated him form his crowd. Idolizing him and wondering why he hangs out with jerks, giving him too much credit. Now I realize he is one in the same with the immoral trash he hangs around with.
This is the second time I have been in a relationship where I have been belittled, humiliated and stabbed in the back in favor of his friends (whether I knew it or not at the time). I can honestly say never again. I am looking forward to meeting an honorable man to share the rest of my life with, no more of this kiddie shit. It has been over 2 weeks since I left him, and exactly two weeks since i told him to pound sand and initiated no contact. He tried to contact me a few times since then. Fortunately for me, I am sticking to the silent treatment, because I have no intentions of ever talking to him again. For one, I wouldn’t treat an enemy with the inconsideration he treated me with, and I was suppose to be his lover! It is all laughable. I love what you said about people never changing. You’re right, he was always a jerk, and I don’t have to consult my magic 8 ball to know that it is “very doubtful” there will be any changes in the future.
Hayley,
Good luck. I imagine life will seem pretty dull, at first, when you leave the intense angers and fears of all that drama behind you. Learning to find joy in life takes time and getting to know yourself in peace and quiet. Joy is something that you can share without hurting anyone, “My, my! Aren’t the blossoms beautiful this spring!”- instead of gossip and humor (there is no humor without pain) and other forms of “I am better than .. “(fill in the blank) intimidations.
Learning there is more strength in a smile than in a bully’s threat is a very powerful lesson, and quite empowering. Best of luck to you!.
Brad K.’s last blog post..For a happy marriage – look for the smile.
Hey Brad,
my friend ran into him at a pub this weekend. He was hitting on all the women and giving them the sob story that “his friends dragged him out to the bars (hes actually a chronic drinker) because he is heartbroken, because HIS GIRLFRIEND CHEATED ON HIM AND DUMPED HIM!!! Wow thats funny! I didn’t cheat on him, he cheated on me! He is a clown! His behavior is laughable. Thank-you for your well wishes! I need all the positive energy I can get!
I stumbled on this site when I googled : How to get over a realtionship with a married man:” THANK GOD i found it, It has given me so much clarity and resolve. My story is embarrassing due to the fact that as a highly successful educated business woman I thougt I would never get into a situation like this, My AC dated me for over a year before one night he finally told me he was married. He travels alot and has a home in DC , AZ and TX, He woudl fly in we woudl hook up and then spend countless hours on the phone, There were red flags that I chose to ignore because I thougt “Why would he ever lie to me” I am a great woman” well I have came to realize incredibly naive. once I found out he was married I was devastated and broke things off for almost an entire day! we continued the relationship and i tried very hard to understand and believe all his BS. He constantly told me that I was his best friend and I shared more with him and told him more about me than I had to anyone. It wasnt until last week when he proposed a road trip for this summer, Driving from Dc to Dallas ( sounded like so much fun) that he said once we got to Atlanta he would need to see some relatives and that I could just hang out at the hotel for a couple of days that it “FULLY” dawned on me that “I was a fool”. Sitting in a hotel room for two days while he visited with relatives was totally rediculous, ( I pictured myself lying inthe floor board as we left town for fear that “His Realtives might see me”. Something so deep inside finally rose to the surface …MY SELF ESTEEM and i truly reailzed that this was insane and that i deserved more than being the OW. So I ave not spoke to him or had any contact with him and the day i made this decision I found this site, I sat and read everything I could and it has given me great strength, and when i feel the urge to call him I pull this site up and read away, it gives me strength to stand firm.
I am battling missing him so much even the ends of my hair hurt, he has said he loves me and I am the best woman he knows, I now know that he is has mastered the art of seduction and I have been his soft place to land with absoulutely no strings attached, The fact that I could never ever TRUST HIM, no matter how painful is helping me get over him, It is a painful process but with all your help and support I know I will eventually be fine. Thank you so much
Christine,
The hurt at separating your life from his murk is both understandable and expected. We call it grief.
Our bodies get involved when we bond to someone, we share hormones in shared breaths and other contact, we engage our minds and hearts in learning about them, we make them part of our daily routine. And then we experience the disruption when they are no longer part of our lives.
It takes time to work through grief. Yes, you might find some way to short-circuit the discomfort, but that will just delay finding yourself again, settling out your values and regaining belief in yourself.
Many of us confuse success in one area of life with empowerment in other areas. Most of us were never warned, growing up, *why* we need to beware those with “wins bed partner” life skills. They are perpetual daters, are often manipulative and seldom let honesty or honor get in their way. They don’t respect anything but “winning” another notch on the bed post. And they won’t change their habits, even if they ever really “settle down”.
Change is measured in pain. As you are feeling now, often pain is just . . . hurting. But when we change our lives, when we take on new values and set new goals for ourselves – dreams die hard, and finding and following a new path is scary and confusing.
For now, the important part is healing from the let down, forgiving yourself. You will want to understand why you found such a bozo attractive, or you will be likely to fall into this pit again. And you will want to examine why you found holding onto him important enough to overlook his cheating and deceptions, the lack of respect in his actions – and the second-hand exposure you risk to sexual contact with multiple partners (where you aren’t choosing the partners-once-removed).
Don’t beat yourself up, either. You aren’t all that naive or that much to blame – you were just unaware that there is an entire class of dysfunctional clown out there, preying on people, that advertising for various industries has made “glamorous”. This is *not* new. The problem existed in 1960 when Jack Lemon. Shirley MacLaine and Fred MacMurray made “The Apartment”.
NML’s ebook, about Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl should give a better idea of what happened to you, and how to recover.
Luck!
Brad K.’s last blog post..Don’t love harder.
← Previous Comments