In many of the previous relationship discussions that we had, she was talking about how much she missed her ex and that she would have totally taken him back.

Then last night we have this kind of breakthrough conversation, where we both realised that we had been spending too much focus on the past and not enough on the present.

How many times have we been in a relaitonship and thought, “Man I miss being Single” and how many times have we been single and thought “Man I really want a great relaitonship”.

The truth is … that we are always looking for something that we dont have!

This causes pain on our behalf and then sense that somehow we are incomplete.

This is simply not true. And if we learnt to really embrace the current situation and learn as much as possible in whatever martial status you are operating at.

We would be so much more happier!!

Hot Alpha Female
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Latest Post: The “He’s Just Not That Into” Rules. Do They Really Apply?

The military is tough on relationships. Seriously. Some of the stereotypes about girls in every port, about focus on drinking and parties are true, and often cause their own self-fulfillment. The force of the chain of command, the existence in daily life of rigid adherence to plan, command, and procedure is quote foreign to the outsider.

Military people are given fewer clues than most about what is expected social behavior, and about what is appropriate outside of “work.”

I don’t know his work environment, his branch of service, or skill code. Is it likely he has periods when he won’t be permitted to communicate? Absolutely. One for-instance is moving a unit from here to there – sail a ship, launch a plane, march a squad – where just the notion that the unit is moving could enable enemies to plan an attack. I had a World War II poster, “Loose Lips Sink Ships” about the Battle for the Atlantic (trying to get merchant and military ships from the US/Canada to Europe without being sunk by a patrolling German submarine). That poster is still true today.

There are different emotional stresses in the military. If his unit isn’t assigned downtown San Diego, then he will be somewhat isolated part of much of the time. Getting letters, emails, having enduring contacts – these become status without the group. From one perspective, they give outside human contact and stability to the troop. Supporting our troops, sending the cookies and comic books and plain letters and emails do an enormous amount of good to those that receive them, and for those around them. Expressions of affection are often extremely precious.

What I am getting at, is your guy might be inept, rather than calculatedly manipulative. He may be unfamiliar with managing his leaves – something he plans, not the family, one or two times a year and at *no other time.* He may not have learned much about being a mate or dating since Junior High – some people feel a calling to the military, others struggle to fit in, and end up trying to “solemnly swear to do my duty, to defend the Constitution against all enemies, foreign and domestic.” For many younger people in the military, their ability to function as responsible and respecful people in an intimate relationship is strictly haphazard, depending on the skills of their initial assigned leaders and random circumstances.

Military pay has always been on the short side. The pay scale seems to have been set by the impressed (drafted) British seaman – just enough pay between ports to get good and drunk when the ship pulls in. Today’s military may have trouble accumulating enough money to do much about leave, other than visit relatives, and not always the cost of transportation.

I see an opportunity for you, here, and a choice. If you are looking for an intimate companion – long distance, military, and differing levels of social skill each pose enormous obstacles. And he is texting too much – that is another red flag, that his emotional availability or stability might be questionable.

But he could likely use a friend, if you are interested. And your nation will benefit from providing an ear, a penpal (even if you use real ink, paper, and stamps! – most especially – that can be shared with others and packed along when electronic security is in effect). Anyone interested in supporting US troops can also contact the USO service organization.

About the leave. I expect he anticipates – and is worried that you haven’t – being invited to stay at your home during his visit. Such hospitality was more common during the Depression, and will likely get more common again if times get much tougher. Don’t think of his trip as “leave, and he is flying”, think of this as “This is what his pay for the last 8 months is buying him.” And he might well be borrowing part of the money – he might not get to see his family every year, many don’t.

Brad K.’s last blog post..For a happy marriage – look for the smile.

The hurt at separating your life from his murk is both understandable and expected. We call it grief.

Our bodies get involved when we bond to someone, we share hormones in shared breaths and other contact, we engage our minds and hearts in learning about them, we make them part of our daily routine. And then we experience the disruption when they are no longer part of our lives.

It takes time to work through grief. Yes, you might find some way to short-circuit the discomfort, but that will just delay finding yourself again, settling out your values and regaining belief in yourself.

Many of us confuse success in one area of life with empowerment in other areas. Most of us were never warned, growing up, *why* we need to beware those with “wins bed partner” life skills. They are perpetual daters, are often manipulative and seldom let honesty or honor get in their way. They don’t respect anything but “winning” another notch on the bed post. And they won’t change their habits, even if they ever really “settle down”.

Change is measured in pain. As you are feeling now, often pain is just . . . hurting. But when we change our lives, when we take on new values and set new goals for ourselves – dreams die hard, and finding and following a new path is scary and confusing.

For now, the important part is healing from the let down, forgiving yourself. You will want to understand why you found such a bozo attractive, or you will be likely to fall into this pit again. And you will want to examine why you found holding onto him important enough to overlook his cheating and deceptions, the lack of respect in his actions – and the second-hand exposure you risk to sexual contact with multiple partners (where you aren’t choosing the partners-once-removed).

Don’t beat yourself up, either. You aren’t all that naive or that much to blame – you were just unaware that there is an entire class of dysfunctional clown out there, preying on people, that advertising for various industries has made “glamorous”. This is *not* new. The problem existed in 1960 when Jack Lemon. Shirley MacLaine and Fred MacMurray made “The Apartment”.

NML’s ebook, about Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl should give a better idea of what happened to you, and how to recover.

Luck!

Brad K.’s last blog post..Don’t love harder.

Good luck. I imagine life will seem pretty dull, at first, when you leave the intense angers and fears of all that drama behind you. Learning to find joy in life takes time and getting to know yourself in peace and quiet. Joy is something that you can share without hurting anyone, “My, my! Aren’t the blossoms beautiful this spring!”- instead of gossip and humor (there is no humor without pain) and other forms of “I am better than .. “(fill in the blank) intimidations.

Learning there is more strength in a smile than in a bully’s threat is a very powerful lesson, and quite empowering. Best of luck to you!.

Brad K.’s last blog post..For a happy marriage – look for the smile.