Online Dating: An Oxymoron for Morons

February 13, 2006 by The Tattoed Debutante

Like NML, I too have ventured into the scary world of online dating. Although at first I went the free site way and received replies from people who don’t RTFP. As a result, I decided to join a pay site where they choose your partner for you based on a billion levels of compatibility or something ridiculous like that. Well…let me introduce you to the hell that online dating becomes when OTHERS choose your prospects for you.

Aside from the fact that they don’t let you rule out people with children (only people with children living with them full time), AND that they don’t let you give a height requirement or any other physical preference, they portend that you are an ideal match with each person they present to you and that you should thus communicate with each of them. Also, they don’t require a picture. The person can choose what stage to allow you to see the photo if they even choose to reveal one at all.
I met a great looking, smart, moderately funny man in my first couple of weeks. The first “drinks date” went well and we had a few really great follow-up dates. BUT, by the fourth date, he had still not attempted to kiss me with an open mouth. Four dates and three pecks later, a very confused Debutante asked what the hell the deal was. I mean, dude, if you’re not into me, just tell me, but don’t waste my time. Well, he gets really offended, tells me he takes things really slowly and that if he didn’t want to see me anymore then I wouldn’t hear from him at all. Wait, WHAT? Yeah. Apparently, as he continued to explain, he’s a “Disappearing Date.” A “D.D.” is a man who just stops calling, emailing, and communicating all together in order to let a woman know that they will not be continuing on to happily ever after. I learned how true this was the next day when all communication ceased and the pansy was never to be heard from again. Now, here’s my question. What in my $40.00 personality profile said I wanted a virginal mama’s boy with a fear of confrontation? Was that one of the levels we were so perfect for each other on? Doc, you may want to rethink your system.
Months later, I dared venture out on another matched date. I had him meet me out with my friends, on my turf, to see one of my bands. Well, an hour after he’s supposed to arrive, I call to inquire as to his whereabouts. Apparently, he’s been sitting at the bar with two older women who have been buying him drinks for the last hour. Strike one. So he finds me in the bar, and he’s even better looking than his pictures. Now, by this point I’m rather toasted on gin and some “special” candy we brought back from ski trip, but there’s something creepy about my date. He’s just too smooth. He’s wearing a pearl snap. He’s wearing a chain. His hair is gelled. There is NOTHING about this man that says he is in any way compatible with me. He’s never heard of the band that’s playing. He calls the bartender “sweet thing.” Then, he calls ME “sweet thing.” Needless to say, I hid backstage till he left, and that was the end of that.
So, what have I learned from this?
#1- People on pay sites are no less crazy or creepy than people on free sites.
#2- Dr. Neil has terrible taste in men.
#3- Never date a man who even your mother refers to as “the prude.”
#4- Always have the man meet you on your turf.
#5- While the options may be more expansive, I have no doubt that my odds of finding a normal man in my local bar are greater than the odds of finding him on the information super highway.
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