Some relationships end but really don’t. Perhaps the timing wasn’t right for both of you when you did meet, or you had some unresolved issues on either end that still needed to be dealt with. Whatever the reason, you two amicably split with the understanding in the future that you might get back together.

I’ve heard a few of my friends tell me that they have a pact with a certain guy that when they turn 30, if they are still single, they will end up with him a la Julia Roberts in My Best Friend’s Wedding. This sounds great theoretically, although such an understanding is full of numerous pitfalls.

One of them is that people change with time. With the passage of time some mature, some gain new experiences and insights and some just simply grow up and move on. If you aren’t with someone and you are both doing your own thing, isn’t it possible that you might not grow up at the same rate? It might even be possible that one of you might have so drastically changed that the only thing that holds true to the memory you have is…the memory. Physical features might have changed, habits might have changed, so much about you might have even changed and not all of it is a welcome change.

Another pesky thing is the problem with other people. What if one/both of you have started dating someone else who has pretty strong feelings for you? Do you cast them aside once Mr.Second Time Around comes a knocking? Is it even worth it? Either way you are leaving a slew of broken hearts in your wake which ultimately doesn’t set you up for good Karma.

OK, perhaps you’ve managed to transverse the pitfalls mentioned above. Let’s focus on other issues. What about when he wants to get back with you but you aren’t ready? Perhaps you are mid-relationship, un-trusting of his new change of heart or just not in that place? How are you supposed to deal with that?

For starters, you have to communicate exactly what is going on in your head. Perhaps it might just be a situation where he never got the Red light from you but got a wishy washy yellow one. Perhaps you do want him back…later, or never at all. Either way, you have to let him know where you are coming from and where your emotions are. If you want to get back with him, and feel that he’s worth it, then I wish you good luck. But sometimes the only good thing about an Open-ended relationship are the memories. Once you do get back with him, you might find out that it’s not as sweet as you remembered. Then what?

What if you are ready to get back with him but he’s not ready to get back with you? What if (for one inane reason or another), he tells you that he sees you in his future, but not in his present? He tells you that he knows that eventually he will end up with you but he’s just not there yet. He still wants to have his freedom, sow his wild oats but still be able to end up with his dream girl at the end of the day. How are you supposed to deal with that?

First of all, you have to be true to yourself and what YOU want. You mantra must remain the same, do not shape/mould yourself to any man’s qualifications of what he wants his ideal woman to be. You have to be true to your desires and your wants. If you want more, but he’s not ready, then you have to acknowledge this and move on. You can’t force someone to be with you who doesn’t want to be. I feel that if a man wants to be with you, he will move heaven and earth to do so, irrespective of whatever is in the way. If he can’t do this for you, then he’s not the right person for you. I know it’s a bitter pill to swallow, but this is where you have to let him go.

Moving on is actually the hardest part. You still have all the feelings, all the emotions sequestered in a part of your heart that you are going to have to deal with to move on. You can’t keep on hoping in vain, thinking that maybe he will come around. Don’t be caught like Rapunzel in the tower for decades waiting for her true love. You’ve got to let everything go. Let go of the hope, the past, the memories and the love. Let go of everything and anything that might bind you to that person because only then can you fully open up your heart to someone else.

Unrequited love sucks big time. It’s like getting the door slammed in your face on a consistent basis. It’s like getting rejected over and over and over again. It’s like living with a wound that you pour salt on it on periodically. Sometimes a relationship is meant to be a Close-ended affair.

When you break up with someone and are tempted to leave the door open a smidgen for the possibility that you might get back together…from personal experience I have to say honey, don’t even bother.
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2 Responses to Open-Ended Relationships: When You Think You’ll Get Back Together

  1. tara says:

    i think this is right i do have to let go but i have got a child from my three year relationship, he walked out and said he does not want to be with me coz i dont let him do what he wants, he goes to watch his team every sat and plays football every sun what more does he want to do. I am coping ok when i dont see him or hear from him but as soon as i see him it breaks my heart. I would love to get back with him but he clearly does not want to. I agree with what you said that i should leae it al in the past, but i am finding it far to difficult. Someone please help me!!!!!

  2. Vixen says:

    You have already taken the first step in letting go by acknowledging your problem. The hardest part is sticking to it (I’m sure you will already know). It’s hard when you have to see him consistently on a regular basis for the sake of your child but until your heart heals, I suggest trying an intermediary for right now, like your mom or a friend where you will drop your child off at and he can pick them up an hour later. That way you won’t have to see him or come in contact with him. Let the courts handle the child support business and you eliminate that from your list of contact with him. The only other time you will see him is your child’s birthday, and even that can be held as two separate parties. Until your heart heals and you are able to move on, see him as little as possible, that’s what I suggest. Good luck.

My Book - Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl

Stop believing that you did something to make them unavailable or that their inadequacies are down to your inadequacies - it is not about you; they are unavailable!

My Book - Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl

Stop believing that you did something to make them unavailable or that their inadequacies are down to your inadequacies - it is not about you; they are unavailable!