KW, I do notice that you are trying to get out the situation. I can also tell that he’s trying hard core to get you back. However you have to do what is best for you. I don’t see him leaving his wife to get with you—-if he hasn’t done it yet, I don’t think he’ll ever get around to it. I know it seems like he’s such a great guy, but you have to remember that he’s CHEATING on his wife with you. A man that cheats on his wife and then leaves her, is probably going to cheat on his Mistress once she becomes his main chick. And even if he doesn’t that’s always going to be at the back of your mind.

Go with Brad’s suggestions—cut a clean break. Consider yourself totally broken up from him and cease and desist with all contact. Go through your stages of grief (the Breakup section has really good coping tips) and then—when you are over him, find a man that is ALL YOURS. Good luck!

Really, though, why should she think any different? You claim that any woman should know better, but at 21 almost all of her dating experience, before Lord Whacker, was in high school. Where what is going together, what are soul mates, and who you can or should be seen with change from day to day, ’serious’ relationships realign a couple of times a week for some kids. Unless her mother was happily married to her father, still on the first marriage, and willing and able to tell her daughter ‘Don’t pick a guy for looks or your feelings. First make sure he is a man — honorable, disciplined, and kind. He should be responsible, pay attention to your wants. You should be able to communicate with him, but you should not be able to twist his dearly held beliefs and desires (they *will* come unstuck)’. At least my folks never explained anything like this.

So unless your 21 year old had donated time to a battered women’s shelter (since we never talk about how to keep women out — only how terrible the guy is), her closest contact with abuse may well have been watching a neighbor or friend — that put up with it.

Thanks for your message. I think your message, ‘There is a healthy way to live, avoid the poisons!’ has to be repeated for all the kids growing up, and the adults, too, that haven’t heard the message, yet.

KW, there is a world out there. Unfortunately, it looks like your married guy is tied up with your memories of your father. We are taught we never ‘leave’ our fathers out of our lives, so your feelings of being attached also seem to be for forever. Do yourself a favor — don’t approach his wife. She surely knows, or has chosen to not wanting to know. In either case, you cannot make her life happier, and as you have seen, you *will not* be changing him. Think of the guy as a car, one that the engine blew up, and you have to trade for a new model. Only plan on a three years separation before shopping for the next one. You want a chance to make a life for yourself in your own name before looking for another guy. Clean the house, either take a job and focus on a career, or take some classes. Preferably find a counselor — priest, wise and discreet aunt, or professional counselor. Avoid the mood altering crap — strong drink, drugs, prescriptions, even Nyquil. Separations are a ’small’ grief — you have to go through the whole thing to get a balance back into your life.

And next time, a couple years from now, before dating a guy make sure he is a man — honest, disciplined, respectful.

Blessed be.

So now I am on day 3 of being without him, locking myself inside my house, being depressed. Knowing this is not good for me. Then I notice an envelope under my door. He has left me $2000 with a note that says “just to help you with your bills. Please know I am just a phone call away.” I love this unavailable man so much. I dont know how to deal with this. I dont want him thinking that I can be bought. Prior to receiving this gift, I had decided I was going to tell his wife of his wrong doings, as she has a right to know about the vacations, and nights spent together, the love letters, and emails. I know he has done this to her before. As he has a child from the old other woman. She took him back then. I guess my goal is to make her want to leave so he will want to be with me. But after reading the other stories, I am starting to question myself. This site has really helped me, I mean I finally stopped crying. But now I dont know what to do. I know I am worth more than this relationship is giving me. But I have never had a normal relationship in my life. Not with my parents or with a man. How do I cope?