Other People’s Standards

March 21, 2006 by NYM

woman with hands stretched out to the sky Last week I was engaged in a conversation with a straight male friend (SMF), and I happened to mention something about a guy (Mr. X) with whom I’d recently been on a date. Well, I mentioned the fact that it had been our first date and after having a couple of drinks, he began to maul me in public. Now, I’m known for enjoying a good, filthy snog in public every now and then, but that’s only with men who get me all hot and bothered, or who get me stinking drunk, but I digress… And I was not in the least attracted to this man.

In fact, I was pretty repulsed by him (the guy actually looked like a Who from Whoville!) and couldn’t wait for the date to end. For reasons that I won’t detail in this column, lest he read it and recognise himself, I was forced to put up with a certain amount of his unwanted physical attention in order not to completely embarrass myself in front of some friends, but I was extremely disgusted at his attempt to molest me in spite of the fact that I showed him no encouragement. The whole thing made me lose what little respect I had left for him. Prior to that, I had thought him to be a fairly nice guy, just not my type.

So, the conversation with my friend went exactly like this…

NYM ”Blech, and did you see what Mr. X did on his blog today? Oh my God, I’m even more turned off than I was before and I didn’t think that was possible!”
SMF ”See! See how you are? You can’t deal with imperfection!! You’ve set a goal that no man can meet. You want the man to be all!”
NYM ”WHAT? Are you kidding me? Why are you on his side? We went on a date and he molested me!”
SMF ”I can overlook the fact that he molested you. Listen, he’s a guy. Guys are going to try to molest you. But you’re always looking for a fault, for an imperfection. For something that’s going to kill his chances with you.”

You can imagine that I was completely taken aback. I was incredulous. I had described my date with this man in detail to my friend, and my friend somehow was on the guy’s side. Somehow the conversation turned from the inappropriateness of my date’s behavior to the fact that my standards were too high. For some reason, this particular conversation happened to elicit this response from my friend, but I realised that this is what he really thinks when I tell him about my dates and relationships with men. That I’m just difficult and no man can live up to my standards. But it’s not only him who thinks that way. It’s my family, it’s my friends, it’s my co-workers. Everyone wants to add his or her two cents.

I can’t help but feel how I feel. Either I’m attracted to someone or I’m not. Either I respect them or I don’t. Either I enjoy their company or I don’t. Either our life goals are aligned or they are not. And if it doesn’t seem right, I see no reason to force myself to try to be with someone.

There have been times in my life when I have caved to peer pressure. When I have listened to people telling me that I’m just too picky, that I should give the guy a chance, blah blah blah. And I lived to regret every moment.

There was a man who I dated on and off for eight years. A man who wanted to marry me. A man who was good looking enough, wealthy, successful, intelligent, and deliriously in love with me…. but no matter how hard I tried, I could not feel attracted to him nor could I fall in love with him. On paper he was perfect. But in my heart I knew he wasn’t the one. A few years ago I started to see him once again…all of my friends and family raved about him. They spoke about how nice he was, how attractive he was, how successful he was. They told me that I’d be crazy not to scoop him up. I tried. I really, really tried. I WANTED to be in love with this guy. I WANTED to be attracted to him. But I just couldn’t.

On paper, he didn’t fall short. In my mind, I wanted him to be the perfect man. But he just wasn’t. Yes he slurped his coffee in the morning. Yes he put ketchup on his eggs. Yes he flexed his biceps in the mirror. But it wasn’t any of those reasons that turned me off (OK, they did turn me off, but they are not the reasons I couldn’t love him.). I just didn’t feel anything for him, and there was no mind-trick I could play on myself to change that. My friends and family were up in arms when I told them I had broken it off with him. They demanded to know what he had done to me. When I told them that I just didn’t love him they told me I was crazy…I was difficult…I was a bitch.

I realise that no one is perfect. I’m not looking for a perfect man. I’m just looking for the perfect man for me. The smell of ketchup on eggs in the morning makes me want to puke, but I’m sure that if I loved someone enough, I wouldn’t care. When I fall head over heels in love with someone, I know the little insignificant things won’t matter because all of the important things will be right.

I’d be lying if I said that it doesn’t drive me nuts that my family and friends are so willing to have me settle for anyone, so long as I settle for SOMEone. Their standards for me may be too low, but I refuse to allow their disapproval to overrule my heart.
My standards aren’t too high. In reality, I know that someday when my heart says yes, I won’t care how tall he is, or what kind of job he has, or how noisily he drinks his coffee. All that will really matter is how I feel about him and how he feels about me.

About the author: After receiving a nice, wholesome upbringing in a typical Midwestern town of the US, this intelligent, witty, and frequently snarky chick, craving adventure, managed to receive her first real-world instruction on the streets of Paris. After that eye opening and somewhat harrowing experience, on a whim, she moved to The Big Apple where she was permanently corrupted. She’s an armchair psychologist and enjoys analyzing herself and others, while maintaining a deep appreciation for the ironies of life.

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