It’s no secret here on Baggage Reclaim that I used to have a penchant for assclowns and Mr Unavailable’s and I know that part of the problem was that I used to get carried a way on a sea of excitement, curiosity, and professed attraction and chemistry. As I discussed over several posts a few weeks back, compatibility, ‘type’ and ‘common’ interests is what keeps us chasing the same ‘ole relationship patterns with same guys different packages.
We let our ideas about compatibility, type, and the so-called common interests we share with these guys blind us to the reality because we use the excitement, passion, hopes, dreams, curiosity, desperation and the whole kit and caboodle to blow life into the chemistry and attraction and create an illusion that we hold fast to.
We’d actually make more progress and opt out sooner if we came down to earth, and park what we think we feel, and sanity check it with the reality to see if the two things match up.
Instead, the illusion and the fantasy outpace the reality till we get a nasty jolt that suddenly highlights the fact that we have become too far distanced.
The struggle then ensues because it’s like we don’t want to connect with the reality so we keep trying to push the illusion, only now that we are aware that there is a reality that is different to what we imagined things to be and doesn’t sit too great with our feelings, the reality starts to gather pace and catch up with us.
We don’t want to accept the reality because we want to hold onto the feeling and continue with the fantasy because if we don’t, we have to do something.
This is how we end up holding onto assclowns and Mr Unavailable’s – denying the reality and claiming that we feel a strong chemistry with these men, an ‘undeniable’ attraction for them, that we don’t think we’ll find anywhere else.
Truth is, if you have unhealthy relationship patterns, a history of being attracted to Mr Unavailable’s and assclowns, then the reality is that you feel chemistry and attraction with people who are reflective of some negative things that you believe about yourself, love, and relationships.
People who don’t have you best interests at heart and who don’t have both feet in the relationship, and who struggle to treat you with love, trust, respect, and care is who you feel chemistry with.
If you have been involved with Mr Unavailable’s and assclowns then you’ll know that fear has a big part to play and in being involved with these types of men, you end up realising your fears, not avoiding it, so you feel chemistry and attraction to men that represent your fears.
But also consider – people can see when you see more in them than actually exists and are dining off an illusion. Not only will they end drawing their own, likely unfavourable conclusions about you, but for some, your penchant for being caught up in the illusion represents an opportunity for them to take advantage of you.
And what about when they say stuff like:
I’m not the man you think I am.
I don’t want you to get carried away here because I know I’m going to disappoint you.
You’ve got the wrong guy.
I keep telling you I can’t do this.
You’re expecting too much from me.
They’re trying to tell you something – they’re saying get with the reality, stop projecting, stop betting on potential, and get me down off that pedestal.
This is why it’s important to believe you’re worthy and start liking and loving yourself otherwise you’ll be looking up to guys and blowing smoke up their arses when they don’t deserve it.
All this reality avoidance is like taking your feeings and ideas and projecting them on to a different guy each time, so it’s not even like you’re seeing them anymore.
I don’t want to kill of the excitement and passion, but until you address why you pursue and are attracted to certain types of me, you will continue to overestimate the chemistry and attraction that you feel for these men, because you don’t get real which also means you don’t see them, the red flags, and the potential crossing of boundaries.
At the end of the day, you need someone of substance and character – you need more than ‘feelings’ because if all you needed was ‘attraction’ and ‘chemistry’ to carry you into a committed relationship with the potential to last, we’d all be living happily ever after with assclowns and Mr Unavailable’s.
Some people are drawn to the heat and ‘beauty’ of the flames in the fire and they put their hand in and discover that it burns. Do they pull their hand away and learn to be attracted to less dangerous things or do they put their hand back in and say ‘eff it, it hurts but I can’t help my attraction to it?
Get ahead on understanding waste of space men and relationships with my ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download. If you need personal advice or analysis of your relationship/situation, check out my consultation service.
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Magenta…Its like ending any relationship…we need to grieve. Only ending one with a selfish con artist who manipulated us…(and they are experts!),,,is more difficult. There is actually a rehab in Florida for people wounded by these evil ones!
I ended my relationship 2 1/2 months ago and not a day goes by that I don’t think about it all..Sometimes I am angry at myself…sometimes at him..sometimes both. But, we were manipulated and brainwashed one thing…(that we are loved), and it felt great…then, we “felt” inside that something was wrong. Being in the relationship was painful too. I enjoyed being in a relationship with someone who didn’t exist!!! It was an illusion. Deep down, I did think he cared on some level..but I was confused all of the time. Thats what they do…divide and conquer..only they divide YOU.
My x portrayed himself as a “nice, sweet, clean, professional, mannerly man. But, it was all an act. And a GOOD act. Weird, but from the start I had one eye open…my gut feeling kept telling me something wasn’t right. I was married for 7 yrs and had 3 kids with a narcissist….and I was so confused…he was a jekyl hyde and his good side was SO amazing..but his dark side…which came out slowly…was AWFUL..painful.
Well, Magenta…we are alive. Look at the poor girls that Ted Bundy baited in and then KILLED!…Look at Lacey Peterson…dead. We are alive and we will forgive ourselves and go on. Remember, everything we do in life has a “pay-off” ..it fills a need at the time. I loved being in a relationship…feeling loved and cared about…and loving him.But, …now I realize that he was damaged goods and not worth the act he put on…I hope I find someone that is a good person, normal, stable and not a sociopathic liar. I will approach any new relationship with CAUTION next time. We will be friendly at first…develop a friendship…I will get to know him before I jump so quickly and let my emotions rule my reasoning!!
At the time we met, I was lonely, hadn’t time to have love and romance in my life…for YEARS…I was raising 3 kids alone and just didn’t have time to date. We met at work…and I should have listened to the majority of people there who saw him as a liar and sneak. I was too desparate for love and affection and he knew it and took advantage of me.
But, its over and I learned alot.l know that I have to rebuild my self esteem…and I am doing whatever it takes to do that…getting my body in shape…taking care of ME. When I feel good, strong, happy and secure with ME…I know that I will attract the right man..and so will you…THIS TOO SHALL PASS.
I will NEVER make the same mistake again…already have tools to help me with the next relationship.
Oh…p.s.
I did alot of stupid things when we were together..loaned him money…(when he makes 5 times what I make!) and didn’t question him when I should have…let him make decisions and control me. I ask myself..why? I just wanted a relationship so badly…that I wanted to give him my all…BUT, I learned now…that in life…with everyone..you need to set boundaries….or else, when you violate your own laws…this is where it ends up.
One thing..I am STRONGER now with everyone. I am no longer the sweet, kind person I was. People mistake kindness for weekness…no more of that for me!!
This relationship was killing me slowly..in a sense. Eventually, would have really hurt me more. I am glad its over and what didn’t kill me..made me STRONGER…stay angry.
@Sweetone
Thank you for relating…and for your words…I could so relate to everything that you said. Mine was similar…I just loved being loved too…well, the delusion of it anyway…now knowing it was crumbs. Comes on slowly doesn’t it? And we let things slide. The jekyll and hyde thing isn’t an easy one cuz you’re always confused, and never know where you stand or if everything is alright one day to the next. But yes, you are out now, and it’s a hard lesson to learn.
Like you, I have to work on the boundaries, my self-esteem and self-respect….wow, that’s a lot of work and not going to be easy! Like you, I feel like I’m not gonna let that happen again, and like you, I feel like I’m not going to be that sweet, all-accepting, all-giving person… Next time, I’ll be someone with boundaries. I’m so glad you have made it to the point of being stronger. Reading this from you and the other women here, are really inspiration.
One thing that’s become clear in the last few days for me is that I’ve ‘overestimated’ the other stuff– interests, looks, physical chemistry, getting along–and “underestimated” or “undervalued” VALUES period. I think I’m a person with values, but when it came to the other person, I shock myself when I realize that I compromised values in another person and I settled. So my work ahead also involves making values more of a priority and not let it take a back seat to ‘getting along’, ‘enjoying each other’s company’, ‘sharing interests’. NML is right: what’s the point of sharing interests, when love and respect aren’t there to begin with.
“Stay angry.” LOL! Ya, I hear ya…if that’s what it takes to make you stronger, and a better person to learn from, I hear ya… Only there is a point where anger turned toward self is not a good thing…and that’s where I am right now…my mind knows I need to turn this around…and I like the idea of getting my body in shape and healthy….so good luck to you on that!
“This too shall pass” Thank you Sweetone….again, for your reach out to me. We are all truly energy for each other with no distance in between.
@magenta – at 5 days NC how you’re feeling is entirely normal. It passes.
Long but it helped me…
Some people unwittingly choose destructive relationships over and over again. The consequences of their choices are painful and emotionally damaging, yet those that engage in this repetitive behavior never seem to learn from their experience. Instead they go from one bad partner to the next, much to the chagrin of those closest to them (including therapists) who pull their hair out trying to stop them. Why does this happen?
Traditional psychoanalytic theory offered an intriguing, yet seemingly unlikely explanation for such self-destructive relationship choices. People who choose such partners must derive pleasure from being mistreated. Simply stated, the choosers are masochistic. If the “pleasure principle” drives people, as analysts argued, certainly this behavior follows the same rules. The therapist’s task was to make the unconscious pleasure known to the patient–and then they would be free to choose a more appropriate partner.
Yet, in my years of doing therapy, I never found any client who received any pleasure at all, conscious or unconscious, from the abuse and neglect heaped on them by narcissistic or otherwise destructive partners. Rather, my clients were simply hurt over and over again. Still, the “repetition compulsion” was true enough: no sooner had a client ended with one particularly hurtful person then they found another wolf in sheep’s clothing. There had to be a good reason. Here’s what my clients have taught me over the years.
People who have not been given “voice” in childhood have the lifelong task of repairing the “self.” This is an endless construction project with major cost overruns (much like the “Big Dig” in Boston). Much of this repair work involves getting people to “hear” and experience them, for only then do they have value, “place,” and a sense of importance. However, not just any audience will do. The observer and critic must be important and powerful, or else they will hold no sway in the world. Who are the most important and powerful people to a child? Parents. Who must a person pick as audience to help rebuild the self? People as powerful as parents. Who, typically, is more than willing to play the role of power broker in a relationship, doling out “voice” only insofar as it suits him/her? A narcissist, “voice hog,” or otherwise oblivious and neglectful person.
And so it goes. The person goes in the relationship with the hope or dream of establishing their place with a narcissistic partner, only to find themselves emotionally battered once again. These are not “oedipal” choices–people are not choosing their father or mother. They are picking people they perceive powerful enough to validate their existence.
But why doesn’t a person leave when they realize they are in yet another self-destructive relationship? Unfortunately, on occasion things go well with a narcissistic partner–particularly after a blowout fight. A narcissist is often expert in yielding just enough “voice” to keep his or her victim from leaving. They grant a place in their world, if only for a day or two. The wish that this change is permanent sustains the voiceless person until the relationship regresses back to its usual pattern.
Giving up a destructive relationship is difficult. The brief moments of validation are cherished, and the person who finally leaves must relinquish the hope of “earning” more. When the person finally breaks free they are faced with an immediate and lasting feeling of emptiness and self-blame that makes them question their decision. “If only I had been different or better–then I would have been valued,” is the usual refrain. Once the old relationship is sufficiently grieved, the person immediately resumes their search for another partner/lover with the qualifications and authority to again secure him or her a “place” in the world.
Ironically, this “repetition compulsion” is hardly masochistic. Instead, it represents an ongoing attempt to heal the self, albeit one with disastrous results. The cycle repeats itself because the person knows no other way of preventing themselves from feeling tiny or immaterial.
This is exactly where therapy comes into play. The analysts were correct in at least one important matter. This repetitive behavior has its roots in childhood, the time in which “voice” and self are established. People are often aware that they are struggling to be heard, to have a sense of agency, and to be valued in a relationship, but they are unaware that this is usually the very same struggle they had with one or both parents. A good therapist reveals this by closely examining their personal history.
And so the presenting problem is redefined and broadened to a life issue–and the work begins. A therapist bears down with all the resources available to him or her. Insight is certainly one–for, as suggested above, there is much the client does not know about the depth and breadth of the problem. Just as important is the relationship between therapist and client. Simply put, the relationship must be real, meaningful, and deep. The client must learn to establish voice, and it must be appreciated by the therapist in a genuine way. For the therapy to be effective, the relationship will likely be different from every other one the client has had. Advice and encouragement, often seen as hallmarks of good therapy, are by themselves insufficient. To make headway, the therapist must partially fill the same void that the client was unconsciously hoping their lover would. The client must feel: “My therapist is someone who hears me, values me, gives me a ‘place’ where I feel real and significant.”
Once the client feels certain of this, they can begin looking for partners using more realistic, adult criteria. And they can finally free themselves from people who chronically hurt them. In this way, the self-destructive, repetitive cycle is broken.
Thank you Finally Free, very interesting and informative.
“The client must feel: “My therapist is someone who hears me, values me, gives me a ‘place’ where I feel real and significant.â€
Once the client feels certain of this, they can begin looking for partners using more realistic, adult criteria. And they can finally free themselves from people who chronically hurt them. In this way, the self-destructive, repetitive cycle is broken.”
I dont really agree with this sentence. I have been in and out of therapy since I was 16 years old (I am 33 now). I have spent most of my life choosing men that were abusive in one way or another (with a couple in between that I would actually consider having been Healthy and loving relationships). I know that I struggled most of my life in search of someone to love me. In search of someone to “hear” and “validate” me. I can honestly say that while the therapists listened and asked intriguing questions, the void inside of me was never filled. Even if I knew that perhaps my parents weren’t 100% available to me emotionally or that my father leaving caused me to have feelings of abondonment etc… that did not provide the needed tools for me to understand how to stop choosing and allowing bad relationships into my life. I understood where the void came from and how it happened, but it did not show me however, how to heal that void and nor did I feel that having a therapist who was loving and who listened and who “gave me a place where I felt safe” filled that void either.
I am not trying to say that therapy does not play an integral role in all of this. What I am saying is that I never found the “tools” necessary to have a successful relationship or what that even meant in order for me to be able to stop it from happening again and again. I knew people would always say: “you have to love yourself first” but I didnt know how to get to that place or what that was supposed to feel like or what that exactly meant. I didn’t know how to stop obsessing over the men once they were gone. I didnt know how to stop myself from wanting to just RUN into the arms of the next guy (any guy for that matter) that showed even an inkling of love and care) thus me making poor choices and not seeing red flags and or establishing boundries. I didnt know how not to crumble the minute I found out that the one i loved was about to leave me or end the relationship. I didnt know how to stop ALWAYS wanting to be in a relationship or after some man period. I realized that I felt empty and unloved and certainly not validated. And I also didnt feel that replacing one man for another or one source of love for another fixed the real problem. In fact, feeling so desperate and aching so badly for a man, for love or for a relationship shouldn’t be the reasons why we get into or want a relationship to begin with. I say this because as long as we are out there searching for a man, or “love” out of a needs based mentality, we are still subjecting ourselves to the same cycle. Even if the therapist tells you where all your dysfunctions came from and you finally realize that it was your mother or your father or your uncle or etc…. that isnt enough to show us how it is that we are supposed to go about repairing it. I am one who agrees that its important to understand where it came from, but more importantly, just tell me HOW to get better. Tell me how im supposed to overcome this now as an adult. Ok, my parents couldnt/didnt do such a great job at showing me what self esteem was all about and I was certainly too young to understand what was going on in order to give it to myself but looking back there is nothing I can do about my childhood or what caused it, but I am completely open to knowing what I can do about it now and for godsake, how to stop putting myself in these types of relationships.
For me, the repititive cycle isnt broken because I have found a partner who values and loves me or a therapist that does (certainly that helps) because for me, we are still relying on outside sources for a love that we lack for ourselves. If i dont truly love and value ME, I will always feel empty regardless of the wonderful partner I may have. And then the issue becomes, I have a great man/partner but im still not happy. And we wonder why. I am all for building my self esteem instead and not NEEDING the love and validation of another (desire and need are two completely different things) Instead, Im going for feeling completely whole and love and validated within myself first so that if you choose not to love me one day, while it will hurt, I wont feel obsessed to come looking for you nor will i blame or hate myself for the demise of the relationship. Nor will I need you to validate for me the person that I am. Those are all reactions that are attributed to low self esteem and that causes us to get stuck. Instead, I will grieve the fact that someone I loved has left me but let them go and still keep myself in tact and know that just because someone did me wrong or chooses to leave, that I am still loveable and worthy and that I will still be ok.
To me, finally having learned that I just didnt value myself enough and that that was the reason I continously got into these types of relationships in the first place was key. I used all the tools and advice on this site to get me to see this and from it I feel I emerged a much stronger woman knowing that it was ok to put me first (in fact, its a must). That its ok to establish boundries (in fact its a must have!). That we have to take it slow and not get caught up in chemistry and attraction alone, and forget about all the other important things. That we have to not rely so heavily on someone’s elses opinion and love for us, that we must come to the well full not empty. That while we all seek to be loved and cherished and to find a partner to share our lives with, we must also posess the qualities that that partner will reflect back to us in ourselves first. That the good healthy relationship I was always searching for, was the relationship that i just didnt have with my SELF.
If we are full of love and we value ourselves, our partners will too. If we are empty, lonely, need to fill a void etc, we will always encounter partners/relationships that are less than satisfactory because we have not nipped the problem in the bud. We have put band aids around an issue that does not dwell in another, the issue dwells within is us and therefore so does the answer and so does the love that we so desperately seek. The whole point that NML states over and over again (some of us see it, others dont) is that its not about the “guy” and why he did it or why he hurt us or why the relationship didnt work out. Its about “us”. What made us be attracted to these men? What made us stay so long in a relationship where we were only given crumbs, or where we were cheated on, lied to, etc..etc…. What is it within US that it made it ok to accept this? The answer (I found) always comes down to how we truly feel about ourselves. Because if we truly value and love who we are and know what we have to offer, we would never allow these types of men and relationships into our lives. For me the answer wasnt behind knowing what happened in my past. The cycle wasn’t broken because I gained that knowledge or was privy to that piece of information. The cycle was broken because I finally found a place where I could understand why I was obsessing and feeling this way and why i was choosing these types of men and where I found the tools that I needed to implement in my life in order to have more successful relationships all together. No therapist for me, provided the type of advice that I have found here. Like I said, I was told “you should love yourself first” but i was never shown HOW TO actually do it. Relationships are the catalyst that is used to teach us about us. This is the place where we learn who WE ARE in relationship to someone else. If what we see or what we feel is not what we like or hoped for, its not only about changing partners its about changing ourselves so that we choose better next time. Its about changing all the negative false beliefs that we gathered all the way into our adult years and chipping away at them one at a time until we can stand in front of ourselves and say: Yeah, I like who I am and what someone else thinks or feels isn’t going to change that but they can certainly join me in feeling this way and reinforcing and reflecting back to me what I already know to be true. Only then is the cycle truly broken because you no longer NEED an outside source to fill that void. We instead come to relationships with no void at all. And isnt that setting ourselves up for a better chance to have better relationships rather than seeking relationships in hopes that this time it will be a better person or chance to fill a void?
PS: The overall reason for my post was to show that mostly all destructive behaviours and patterns can be linked back to the lack of love and relationship that we have with “ourselves”. That is why we keep going back for more or keep choosing the same types of partners over and over again although they cause us pain. We don’t know any better than what we are comfortable with and so therefore we continously choose partners that feel “familiar” to us even if they are indeed hurtful one’s. We are told that its the guy or the relationship that needs to change or the city where you live, or that you need to go back and mend the relationship with your parents etc… all the while skirting around the REAL reason and never getting to a resolution or to break the cycle. Whether we do all of the above or not, the perception that was damaged was the one that we have about who we are in the world. Whether we make peace with those that contributed to that or not, we are still left with having to repair the damage that was done to our “self” and that can only be achieved by learning to finally accept and love who we are regardless of what others did to us. After all, we live in a dysfunctional society and so none of us really get to escape dysfunction in some form or another. We instead have to learn to repair the damage and learn to love who we are despite it.
I believe in therapy and I was not in anyway trying to invalidate that. I just wanted to clarify and hope that it didnt come across that way!
Finally Free and Karen- Very nice and informative posts.I have the same problem as Karen,I know where my problem come from but I didnt know how to fix it.We hear a lot that we have to love ourselves but to us that arent used to do that we just have no idea where to start.I have been reading a lot about it here and in other books so now Im finaly geting how to do it.I agree with Karen that the key to fix it is to learn to love ourselves,to fill our void with our own love so we wont lose ourselves in relationships.Isnt about finding a diferent guy(sure is important to be wise,have boundaries and pay atention on the red flags) when we chosing the next time but the most important is to change us.I think therapy is the way to show us where the problem started and to understand it but fixing it is up to us like Karen said.
NML-I guess you are right,I do wonder that.But I think what get me the most is that I keep wondering why no guy I loved ever loved me back.That is my first relationship with a EUM but thinking about my relationships patterns I tend to fall for guys that cant give me the relationship I want.I want to fell loved and end up geting involved with guys that wont make fell that way either because they are EUM like my ex or because they just not interested on me(like all the guys I got involved before him).Anyway thinking better about it not reciprocating my fellings can be a way to be EU too since is impossible to have a relationship with somebody that doesnt love you back and isnt interested in being in a relationship with you,so I guess that maybe you can say that the other guys I loved before my ex were EU too.And my point is that I want to fell loved by a guy but never realy felt that way with any guy that was on my life.So I end up internalizing that and thinking that there is something wrong with me or that is my fault that they didnt love me what end up making me fell worse.Anyway maybe Im just expecting that love from guys that just arent capable of giving me that,so like you said I have to stop throwing myself on oncoming traffic.Thanks for the insight.
What was helpful to me was identifying the root of the problem and beginning the healing from within. This was a learned behavior, we were not born like this and it started from our informative years growing up. Therapy to me is just a positive step in 1) You realize and accept you have a problem and 2) You need help in trying to fix it, otherwise I see no need for it. No one can give you a surefire direction or instruction of what will make this cycle end for you. That my friends is up to us and us alone. What works for some may not work for others when it comes to finally seeing the reality of who and what we have become and we all may not have had the same underlying root cause however, the common ground is we have come to our wits end and want out of this unhealthy pattern with these men. I had to do some serious soulsearching and heart breaking reality checks about myself before I even begun to feel relief and every truth I accepted and confronted myself with made the load easier and lighter to carry. It wasn’t one particular thing that helped, EVERYTHING and every positive outlet helped me! I am still healing and working on myself one day at a time, but the truth is the light! We have a choice everyday when we wake on how much power and thought we will give them and if it today wasn’t a good one and we failed to take control, guess what…? Tomorrow, GOD willing is another day to choose again! Stay positive and strong ladies! Pray & believe!
@Karen
I can relate when you say we hear over and over again we need to love and respect ourselves first. But over the years, I’d feel like screaming sometimes “How do you learn how to do that?!” when you’ve spent your whole life approaching love and relationships in a very dysfunctional way…and when this is all you know??
I looked for answers in therapy, in spiritual books, in self-help books….which all helped, but always felt like there was some big missing piece. I came to this website and WHAM…NOWHERE have the answers been ever more clear …FINALLY I’m putting the pieces together. FINALLY, clarity of knowing HOW I can start loving and respecting myself, and putting priority on values.
Really all seems so common sense doesn’t it? But tell it to someone like many of us, in this trance and head in the clouds…not being able to see past the pain and hurt feelings..repeating the same mistakes. NML’s posts somehow powerfully “slap us in the face” and shakes our brains up. What a godsend. Finally waking up.
@magenta
I agree with you 100%. I have bookshelves full of self help books. I think I know and have gone to every therapist within a 25 mile radius of where I live. I have gone to seminars and workshops and even had changed my major once in college to “Psychology” all in hopes in finding the answers. I finally found them here as well. This site truly saved my life and I only wish I could have found it sooner. I am a completely different woman (a better woman) because of it. I’m so glad to be here where I am now and to see so many others that have found this site and have found the answers as well!
A million THANKS NML!!! xoxoxoxoxoxo
This site is AMAZING and I can’t express in words how it is helping me. It is a Godsend!! Thanks to NML all of you. I have been reading for quite some time and my heart goes out to everyone in our situation. I haven’t shared my story yet however, I felt compelled to share as much positive input as I can because you never know where someone’s source of strength may come from even it’s just a word of encouragement!
We don’t choose how or when we will die, but we do decide how we will live. We have to forgive ourselves for frequent drifting and continue reaching out to each other for help to see clearly the best path for us.
If a part of your past continues to haunt you and rob you of your joy, forgive. We know we can not undo the past, but with knowledge and understanding, we can let go by forgiving ourselves and everyone else that has hurt us. It is so important that we learn to forgive. You can never be happy with anger or bitterness in your heart.
No one has the power to take your happiness or keep you from being happy and at peace unless you allow it. We have to remember that we are sustained and supported by the love of God for us who wants only for our safety and goodness and to love yourself as God loves you, you must end all low self esteem behavior or it will become a way of life. May we always believe in our worth.
My EUM gave me the red flags right in the beginning, I should have listened to him:
“Don’t be so nice to me, you don’t know me!”
“Always if things start to be good, I sabotage them.*
“I push people away, that are good, maybe to protect them from me.”
“Dont be so nice, Maybe I will disappoint you.”
“I will never hurt you…physicially.”
“How can you love me, you don’t know me.”
“I might not know, how to play house”
“My last girlfriend was 23 years old, young girls don’t have expectations, they don’t want children or merry.”
“I still love my ex.” (all of them)
“Inside of me I am like 25″ (he is 48)
“I feel bored in relationships very fast”
“I dont want babies”
“I am not the type to merry.”
Next time, if a guy warns me about himself, I will listen to him.
“Am I?” When I said he was very loving man.
“I am not very good at relationships.”
I too thought he was just being honest and that made me ‘fall’ for him all the more. I have often felt like I wasn’t very good at relationships with men but I thought, well then we could both maybe figure this out together. I also agree with alot that Devastated said, I really tried hard to protect myself against someone taking advantage of me or being dishonest – and he did the same as your man. He just left me dangling and disappeared.
I have felt incredibly angry and upset both with him and with myself, as if I could have foreseen the future. I guess now, I can look at it differently and see things I would say and do differently. Mostly, I would hope that I feel differently. About myself at least; I would like to value myself more and be more confrontative in the beigning. Not in a bad way but just maybe being more honest.
I really thought I had finally found someone who was honest and kind, I thought wow! this is someone worth having waited for. What I thought was his feeling anxious and shy was also maybe something else. He seemed shy, could also be interpreted as: not able to perform adequately in an intimate relationship.
Well, it’s been a year since i met him and now I am re-living the things we did or said and hopefully, trying to see them in a new and healthier light. I have spent alot of time this past year working on my childhood issues and beliefs and so that has been very valuable. I plan to keep doing that, and so far I have had good success. Therapy is also great! yeah!
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