This site is for a select group of men and women: Emotionally unavailable.

I can say for myself, I am looking for a sweet, considerate and honest man to be a part of my life. My ex was not the type I would have been traditionally attracted to but seemed seemed to be a sincere, wonderful person, boy was I wrong, he turned out to be the most painful experience in my life. This man (53 yrs. old) pursued me aggressively-many I love yous’- as soon as I returned his feelings he bailed. Cruel!!!!

So, just as the article may seem to lumping all men into one category, it seems as if you may be doing the same,

By the way, I love men and know there are many decent and caring men out there!

This attitude may make women feel better – particulalrly after a bust-up – but it is rather inaccurate.

Only a small proportion of men behave in the way described in the article. Most men – like most women – are reasonably caring and considerate.

The problem is that certain women do not find the average caring man particularly attractive. It’s not that women explicitly choose to be with difficult men. But they do like to be with alpha male types. They want a male that is ultra self confident and cocky. Women can’t help themselves but be attracted to this type of guy.

The problem is that such males – although attractive to women – are not particularly good or reliable partners. Some women will suffer for the rest of eternity with this minority of guys.

And some women will also seek to portray such bad behaviour as representative of “men” in general. After all, that is a much easier thing to believe than to admit to poor judgement.

And ordinary men will continue to feel frustrated at how women often like to stereotype them as the bad guys in relationships.

Yes I have a some time to think about this. There are just too many what ifs. If he is telling the truth about the allegations then he is going to have some much shit on his hands that he is not going to be able to have anyone else in his life. What if he just contacted me because he was seeing someone and they just got into a fight and he needed an ego stroke? The fact that I am even questioning weather or not he is telling the truth should be a red flag to me. No, I’m keeping my distance from him. Thanks Brad

I don’t know. But I think of the divorce like the No Contact rule. If there is still contact, the healing and dealing with issues hasn’t really begun. He is still being torn up, regularly, but his ex-wife and kids. He might be a paragon of virtue, but he is looking for comfort or whatever while still embroiled with his past – including reliving in court all kinds of perceived faults and true or false accusations. Anyone living with that kind of turmoil that is flat-out honest and honorable, not trying to game the courts or the ex or manipulate the kids – doesn’t have enough wind in his sail to be useful to anyone. He won’t be dealing with his ex-wife with one set of ethics or emotions, and you with another. And as long as the issue with the kids is being revisited, that is another dimension of separation between his capability and a healthy relationship.

He hasn’t put his house in order enough to be inviting guests. And, as you point out, he isn’t being clear, open, and useful to you. He still sounds like confused, embroiled – walking wounded.

He may want emotional and physical support to help him through the rough times – but he isn’t going to be useful to anyone else for a long time. Especially if he won’t face his issues on his own.

I know that divorces can drag out. I know that divorce attorneys make more money if things don’t come together quickly, and that they make a better “reputation” businesswise if they hammer the opponent viciously. I know that his ex-wife may be one vindictive person – but that goes back to his ability to choose a mate or participate in a relationship. Which all look suspect.

I doubt that what he is doing today – approaching you – will lead to anything lasting.

Brad K.’s last blog post..br: About choosing between a partner and happiness

Now I am walking wounded. It’s a transmissible malady. Laides beware! Oh and any men I might date might also take precaution…

No No his divorce has been final for about two years. They have just been going back and fourth with a custody battle for the kids ( he has always wanted 50/50 she wants something like 90/10) and dividing the property for this long. He adores his children and would like nothing more than for this whole court thing to just end. I’ve seen some of the documents and have to say that she is the one prolonging the situation. I would never EVER date a married man.
In light of this information do you see my situation differently now. I think two plus years is enough time to heal from the divorce they werent married that long. Maybe he is trying to tell me that he is wounded though by saying that he did get scared and put a wall up. I think he can’t help that at this point and if I were to give him another chance would just do it again. What do you think?
Its funny I didnt intentionally post to this particular article of the overthinking what men say. But I went back and read it and I think its sort of symbolic. He may just be living in the moment of missing me and I shouldnt be making excuses for him. But how do I know for sure? What if I send him away when he was being honest?

This guy is walking wounded. Whether he is victim, bad guy, or a bit of each in his failed marriage – he needs time to heal. The fact that he is pestering you – his fallback girl – right away indicates that at the least he is denying that he is hurting. A divorce, a failed marriage, impairs a person. Yes, people do hook up on the rebound – with horrid chances for anything lasting.

Cut the strings, tell him goodbye, that his divorce and any kids need his attention for the next while, and you need to get on with your life. If you were to stumble over him in two or three years, and he hasn’t messed anyone else’s life up, and he is still interested in you – you might consider him.

But consider, too, that he is cheating. Before his marriage vows – to God, State, and community – were released by the state (God and community still have their own views of broken vows and failures of character) – he got you interested. That is horrible ethics, and non-existent morals. People don’t generally grow healthy ethics and morals overnight – I would be doubtful if he looked honest and honorable five years from now, let alone while the ink is drying on the last catastrophe he failed to avert.

If his problem was picking the wrong woman to marry – what is there to say he has taken time to pick any better this time around?

Right now I think two things. First, he has to take the time to heal, if he won’t take that time, he isn’t functional enough to consider for a mate. Second, he cheats and lies and deceives, his word isn’t worth snot, and his track record in his marriage – getting involved with you before the ink is dry on the divorce – is a huge red flag over his antics.

And there is something else to consider. The fact that you are interested in a married man says that you aren’t making healthy choices right now. What I mean is that, knowing the dangers of choosing wrong, you really should avoid anything romantic or erotic until you figure out a way to feel secure in your own worth and protective of your own interests. You aren’t ready to decide about a relationship, you don’t know when you will be ready to make a (scary!) choice, and stringing along someone that you met before you started healing is going to hinder and slow your healing. You aren’t where you need to be, yet, and he isn’t good for you.

Brad K.’s last blog post..br: About choosing between a partner and happiness

‘Surely she’s got the message that this is how things are going to be if she’s with me. She knows how things are’.

Yep! That’s it. No matter what he did, said or sounded like … he had told me the deal. If I were to ever ‘miss-read’ anything, he always fell back to that. He is the Master of Confusion. He would be sitting on my couch one day, telling me how special our relationship is and the next day scolding me for thinking we even had a relationship!

How awesome to be able to live in the moment and be able to do and say and ask for ANYthing he wants without guilt.

He had me right where he wanted me – trapped in my own inability to let him go. As long as I didnt, I was saying “okay” to whatever he wanted. Last time I hinted that I couldnt take much more, he told me ‘Fine, dont bother coming back then.’ (nice threat) … well, this time, for the first time, I’m not going back.

He will never get the opportunity to reject me again.

I totally understand what you mean and are trying to say. You are not a moron. I can totally relate to what you are saying. I too was in a relationship where I felt I didn’t exist. It is terrible to have trusted someone and feel so used. And yes, intelligent women, can have this happen too. All I can say is hang in there. I am only four months out from the end of a bad relationship and am still having a terrible time.

What I meant to say – was that there is no reason to feel like a moron, to please forgive yourself for feeling that way.

Brad K.’s last blog post..BR: Commitment, a perspective

I only meant that despite my efforts, it is so easy to slide into old patterns and even intelligent women sometimes only see what makes them happy at the moment. Constant vigilance can be wearing, but forgetting even for a moment opens the door to mistakes.

Frequent terms that show up here include low self esteem, and addiction to drama. I think of it as lack of respect for yourself and others, and tolerating disrespect from others. I think of it as thinking that you aren’t worthy of being loved – and finding someone that treats you as less than a cherished and respected partner.

Sometimes we don’t know, personally, what is expected and needed in a healthy relationship, so we repeat unhealthy patterns from TV or novels – or from what we saw growing up.

Sometimes we confuse the media and marketing world definition of relationship – bright, beautiful, sexy – with respect, honor, responsible behavior, and shared goals and values with the intent to build a home together. We confuse someone highly skilled at dating, at winning bed partners, with someone skilled at being a life-mate and co-parent, and interested in sharing their lives.

A moron is someone that lacks the capacity to learn. Someone that hasn’t had the information to learn, though, can’t know if they really are a moron until they try to learn. Learning and change are measured in pain and discomfort – the more to learn, the more to change, the more it hurts. This is one reason many are reluctant to change or learn a different path. Too often pain is just pain, so deciding to make a change is often a leap of faith – and really tough for someone that doesn’t find much to believe in in their world.

As far as I know, there are no easy answers. You have to find and love and respect yourself, first, and consider carefully what you want in your life.

Luck.

Brad K.’s last blog post..The family, the child, and the culture of the home