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When we’re confronted with the realisation that our partner has done a  U-turn on previously expressed feelings and plans, it’s understandable  to feel horribly confused, disappointed, and more than a tad wounded. We may decide that it’s our fault and that something about us is unpalatable and rejectionable. We often jump to the conclusion that people don’t talk about their feelings or make plans with you unless they mean it, and then convince ourselves that we’ve provoked their current attitude and behaviour.

As an initial reaction, making it about us is to be expected. It’s our egos doing the talking and we subconsciously run through our mental Roladex of other unsavoury associations that we have with feeling less than, or being rejected, hurt, or disappointed, and end up reliving that pain. As an ongoing response or a typical habit, it’s dangerous.

If we don’t get conscious, aware, and present, and discern what’s going on, we make dodgy decisions and adjust our thinking and behaviour to accommodate the self-judgement. We try to influence and control their feelings and behaviour with people pleasing so that we get a rejection retraction and the preferred ending.

We are not going to solve a damn thing by taking ownership of their feelings and behaviour. It will muddy the waters even further – we won’t know where we end and they begin. It also sets a precedence that’s difficult to recover from if it’s not nipped in the bud. How is a remotely healthy relationship going to blossom, if each time we encounter problems and disappointment, we disappear into the past and lose ourselves? They also don’t end up having to account for the fact that they haven’t come up with the actions to go with the words; they’re sheltered from reality.

A U-turn in our relationship is an alarm bell symptom telling us to have an honest conversation with this person and to also check in with us and get grounded.

A relationship that’s going to go somewhere requires vulnerability and that at times means owning up when we’re scared and owning up when we’ve erred.

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Be responsible with your declarations and promises because you can often end up reaping the benefit of a person's positive reaction to them without actually having had to back those words up with the deeds.

When we’re not boundaried with our time and we tell people what we think that they want to hear, we can end up overcommitted, over-scheduled, and overwhelmed. It’s a time management issue stemming from people pleasing – a mix of relieving tension (even if it’s due to our overactive imagination or being triggered), along with wanting to make others feel good, plus attempting to control their opinion of us. Flip that habit over to dating and relationships and there are some clues about why somebody may do a U-turn on declared feelings and intentions.

Sometimes a person overestimates their level of interest or capacity to commit.

When we’re on the receiving end of this and the big claims and promises don’t prove to be true, we feel damn bloody upset (and rightly so), but it’s important as we traverse the complicated mix of emotions that these situations bring up, along with what can seem like a mental travelator of unpleasant thoughts mixed with bittersweet memories that make us ponder, What was real? What was fake? Am I fool?, that we don’t clobber ourselves for it not working out.

An expression of feelings (or plans) isn’t a contract. What we express and the level of understanding about that expression, represents our understanding at that time. A self-aware person has enough self-knowledge to express those feelings with intention, integrity, and awareness for follow-through. They don’t say things lightly or off the cuff. They know if they have those feelings because they’re for instance, falling for us, or whether part of what they’re feeling is about escaping something else or looking for us to be the solution to something internal.

Even though feelings and plans aren’t a contract – it’s not as if a person says that they like us and they’re contracted to do so forever – that doesn’t absolve each of us from being conscientious and responsible. This doesn’t mean taking ownership of other people’s feelings and behaviour and micro-managing ourselves, but it does mean not being reactive or running purely on feeling. It means considering the consequences and expectations that come with what we communicate to others.

Some people take a considered approach because while they’re not making any grand claims that this is exactly how they’re going to feel in 2050, they know themselves enough to know that what they feel is real, true, and sustainable, not just a momentary or short-term thing that will wane as soon as real life kicks in.

They’re also not hyping and selling.

When a person is, for example, cheating on their partner or spouse and making declarations to us and putting forward plans, they’re fantasising. They’re also selling the dysfunction. It’s better to say that they’re crazy about us (hence why they’re engaged in lying and deception) than it is to say that we’re a form of escape or an ‘upper’, or even somebody that anaesthetises them.

 

If someone lacks self-awareness and is looking to prompt feelings in others in order to gain validation or to even bask in the way that they’re being seen by that person, they’ll say things in the moment that don’t really reflect what they feel in the main or their ability to commit. As I said to someone the other day, “If you don’t want a relationship with him and are unable to commit, why are you telling him that you love him?” This is where a person can fall into the trap of using their feelings (and ego) to act as if they have a proprietary right to a person… even when they have nothing of substance to give.

They don’t realise that there needs to be the deeds to go along with the sentiments.

Some people overestimate their interest or capacity for commitment because they like how they look on us.  They might feel that saying all of this stuff is how you woo somebody and compete in this ‘market’ (read: dating). They don’t want to miss out. It’s similar to people who list a property as a three-bedroom when it’s a two-bedroom with a dining room.

Sometimes a person overestimates because they really want to believe, either because they’re very attracted to us and want to possess us and/or because they’ve been through tough times.

When it’s about possession, they mistake being out of control for love, and may also believe that in possessing us, that they will feel a certain way or that certain problems will disappear. When they don’t, rather than recognise the flawed thinking and deal with that, they say, that they haven’t found their perfect person yet.

When it’s about their past, we can inadvertently become a form of escape where they convince themselves that they’re ready, that they’re finally going to forget about the past, and as a result, they big themselves up or they go all out on the big ticket commitment items such as engagement or moving you in. Sometimes they’re pressured about their recovery time and sometimes they feel what may be pressure from their loved ones or are comparing themselves to others.

They move in haste so that they don’t have time to think or even fully feel what’s going on.

Then real life kicks in, possibly along with feelings of inadequacy and the realisation that they’re still afraid and affected by those things from the past that have held them back before. They worry about getting things wrong or things going wrong. It seems safer to sabotage and bring things to an underlying foregone conclusion (the self-fulfilling prophecy) or just straight up make a fast exit.

There’s often this unrealistic expectation that things have to be perfect just like at the beginning (when it’s new and both parties haven’t unfolded or had to truly follow through on commitment), and when reality bites, they panic.

I hear from so many people who are living with or engaged to somebody, or who were introduced to family or friends, or who went on holiday or whatever it was, only to suddenly find themselves left with the shell of the person they met or an empty hole where they their Road Runner-style exit, often hitting The Reset Button on the way.

It’s as if this person woke up one day, and maybe it was seeing their partner move things around in the house so that they could fit their stuff in and make it ‘theirs’ or maybe it was the first quarrel, but whatever it was, they’ve woken up and done the equivalent of thinking, Sh*t’s got real! What the hell have I done?

What do we do when we’re scared? We seize up. We start behaving unusually. It manifests itself in various ways even though we often think it’s hidden.

We love and we want to be loved and sometimes, our desire to feel connected, or to not feel pain that we haven’t quite dealt with and healed from yet, gets in the way of that. We say and do things that in retrospect, didn’t need to be said. We do things, not really to show and give our love to others but because we want to make some sort of point to ourselves or generate something from them, and when we do this, we end up hurting not loving. We are reckless with our choices and our words.

If you’ve been hurt by someone’s overestimating, it’s understandable to feel shaken and wary. This is why it’s vital not to go too fast or to be swept up because if they slam on the brakes, it’s a rather painful awakening. In these situations, you have to slow right down and gauge the situation – and that’s what I’m going to talk about in my next post.

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There's nothing wrong with desiring a romantic relationship. It's needing one for salvation and as the source of your self-esteem that causes problems.

I listen to people express their desire for a relationship and romantic love and there are a significant portion of these who come across embarrassed and almost apologetic. They feel as if they have to defend how they feel and what they believe, and some of these people, when confronted with romantic partners who are presenting them with something less than mutually fulfilling, will back away from their desires for the sake of keeping the peace and not wanting to appear “uptight”. Next thing, they’ve been on a permanent date for numerous years with one particular person who keeps flip-flapping in and out of their life or who keeps putting the brakes on any movement. They believe that what they want is wrong or that if they hang in there and keep trying to be as pleasing as possible, that the other party will finally cave and meet their needs, expectations, and wishes.

It’s OK to desire love and a relationship. If we get involved with somebody whose preference is for something else, that doesn’t invalidate our desire. Their preferences are a matter of taste for their life. Imposing theirs upon us, whether it’s them or us doing it, is to carry on as if their preferences are objectively ‘right’.

Sometimes our attitude to relationships reminds me of our attitude to enjoying life and retirement; we work ourselves to the bone and by the time we retire, we might be too frickin worn out with ill health or shrinking energy levels to actually enjoy our lives.

Similarly, we could spend a significant chunk of our life pursuing that one person that we’ve decided will be ‘it’ and that they’re eventually going to make us the exception to the rule or, maybe we’ll chase variations of the same person. If we finally get them to succumb to a relationship, we’ll probably be emotionally exhausted and bankrupt of energy, esteem, and even the the other things that used to matter to us, that it will all be a bit of anti-climax. Is this it?, we’ll wonder.

It’s important to be honest about what we want, not just so that we can be more authentic by being and doing the things that are in alignment with our values including our needs, expectations, and desires, but also so that we can consider how we’re going to go about fulfilling our desires.

We must consider the consequences of the option that we pursue.

Sometimes we get so focused on what we want and the basic premise that, yes, we’re only human and it’s only natural for us to want to love, be loved, and desire companionship, that we forget to consider the fact that there are various options for arriving into a relationship, all with consequences.

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Why snooping never leads to anything good. Wolfie checking through their phone saying that he just needs confirmation that they cannot be trusted

When I was pregnant with my first daughter, longtime readers may recall that I got into the hidden camera show ‘Cheaters’ where people who suspect their partners of cheating have them investigated and followed… and then confront them.. I know, I know, but I was signed off with a bad back at 34 weeks. Call it BR research. It fascinated me that people either wouldn’t trust the information they already had or that they would go on TV before they would communicate with their partners or make a decision.

There are clues as to why you suspect your partner of cheating (or whatever it is), and unless you’re projecting - that’s when you’re up to something, feeling bad about it on some level and then looking to dispel that feeling by finding a similar fault in them, or when you’ve already got the story in your head and just want to bring the self-fulfilling prophecy to its conclusion so you can be right and remove uncertainty, those clues, if you pay attention, provide you with a hell of a lot of the information that you need.

The first thing that you have to admit if you’re tempted to snoop or already have, is that you have trust issues and a relationship without trust is like washing your front but not your back; mucky.

If you won’t use your senses, your gut, your brain, your self-awareness etc., to take a reading on a situation, to open up a dialogue, to help you figure out whether an experience is in alignment with the values you profess to have and the feelings and life you want to experience, snooping, hiring detectives or even dragging your partner on reality shows becomes the substitute for these.

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we have so much in common

It’s not the biggest leap in the universe to think that because you’ve met somebody who shares similar interests to you that you also share similar values, but in practice, it’s an enormous leap that ignores the fact that a person could have a fundamentally different character and set of desires to you while still working in the same field, or enjoying the same shows, or enjoying the same hobbies and interests.

The leap in thinking comes from an underlying belief that you having these particular interests is linked to your values but let’s think about this for a moment:

Let’s imagine that your interests are being a wine buff and travelling to as many vineyards as possible to fine-tune your palette, as well as growing your own food, 90s hip-hop, skiing in the winter, windsurfing in the summer, salsa at night, and reading about globalisation, and then you meet somebody who enjoys all or most of these things. Eureka!, you think, especially because on some level, in these situations we tend to imagine that the combination of things that interest us is obscure enough that if we were to meet someone who ticks all or most of those boxes, they must surely be our soulmate? They must surely be similar to us, shouldn’t they?

Going deeper now, you might be loyal, conscientious, caring, honest, loving, hardworking, ambitious and more. You at some point want to settle down and enjoy a long-term committed relationship. You’ve tried casual but you value monogamy and are ready for more intimate relationships. Here’s the thing though: The fact that you have the above interests bears no correlation to your values and aspirations. You’re not, for instance, a wine buff who loves 90s hip-hop because you’re loyal, conscientious etc; you’re a wine buff who loves 90s hip-hop and is loyal, conscientious etc.

 

Those interests don’t speak for your character; they tell you what your interests are. Don’t conflate common interests with character or shared core values.

The way some of us cling to our interests and even personality traits and quirks, you’d swear that they were badges of honour, social proof and personal validation. We think that it means something about us that we’re interested in something. It’s as if we think that ‘certain types of people’ have ‘certain types of interest’ (or personality trait) covered.

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Having a connection and so much in common doesn't cut it.

“We have an amazing connection”, said so many people who are struggling to understand why they’re not experiencing deep, committed, loving, progressing, balanced, consistent relationships with the very people that they’re referring to.

“But, we have so much in common!”, said many a confused person who doesn’t share the common ground of the same perception and commitment to the relationship. All the mutual pain, admiration, shared experiences, attraction, hobbies, interests, orgasms etc., in the world, will not make a difference if when it all boils down to it, you don’t share core common values and are not copiloting a mutual relationship together.

Having a “connection” and “so much in common” doesn’t cut it. These are not the same as truly knowing a person or being truly vulnerable and yourself within a relationship that has grown and fostered deep emotional intimacy.

If you are not being authentic, so showing up as you and being emotionally honest in your own inner relationship never mind with your partner, you will have a lot of the hallmarks of an intimate relationship without the intimacy. That means that you could love and care for a person, enjoy sex and other aspects of a relationship but fundamentally be afraid of the consequences of closeness – that fear that if you’re you, vulnerable and essentially emotionally available (willing to feel all of your feelings and be rooted in reality instead of ducking behind a wall and struggling with boundaries and commitment), that you will allow somebody to get close enough to you that it might hurt if they leave, disappoint, criticise, argue/fight with you, or reject you.

It’s that that you being you is going to be “wrong” and that you won’t be able to cope with their response that you’ve predicted or with your own feelings and thoughts. You don’t want to be under scrutiny, to be judged, to put you out there or reopen an old wound.

You may not know what intimacy is, possibly due to not having relationships that you could truly observe and learn from, and you may have assumed that once you felt like you loved and cared for someone and were in a relationship, that you’d either be able to automatically know what each of you wants or that a void you had would be filled up and you’d feel confident and in possession of the skills to forge closeness.

I know I’m not alone in having believed that being in a relationship, talking even if it’s not truly communicating, and being in great turmoil due to the rollercoaster of drama, is intimacy. I’m also not alone in having felt a ‘connection’ to people because of what they ‘activated’ in me that reminded me of one or both of my parents or that tapped into old issues. Hell, I thought that if a person cried on me, told me about how their pet budgie died when they were seven or how much they disliked one or both of their parents, or even wanted to get into my pants faster than the speed of light, that these were ‘intimacy’

Intimacy takes time, experience, and vulnerability.

We can have intimate moments with people, we can share intimate pieces of information, but that doesn’t mean that we’re experiencing the intimacy that many of us actually desire in our relationships. This misunderstanding of intimacy is why many people wake up in relationships where they feel quite attached to somebody and feel as if they have “so much in common” but they’re hungry and either not going in the same direction or feeling an ever-growing void emerging. It’s confusing, disconcerting, and frustrating.

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Sometimes we can find ourselves in the position of knowing about what someone has done and not having the energy to get into some big ‘ole thing about it. It’s not because we’re letting it slide or that we’re too afraid to deal with it; it’s more that due to what we now know, we realise that if we go down the path of trying to ‘make’ this person see our position, to express remorse, to acknowledge what they’ve done and what was so wrong about it, we’re probably going to go blue in the face from trying to make sense out of nonsense and getting caught up in he said she said mind effery. It might even get switched around so that the real issue is forgotten and in the end, who has time, energy, and emotions for this BS?

Exactly how much do we really need to explain to somebody who already knows what they’ve done, about what it is that we know about.

It’s like, “Um, you know what you said/did – you just don’t know that I know and you’re afraid to say, ’So you know about [the thing] huh?’ because that might not be the thing that you think that I might know about. You’re gonna keep texting me with BS like, ‘What’s wrong? I don’t understand why we haven’t been hanging out as much – did I do something?’, so that I end up doing your dirty work for you and bringing your deeds out into the open and you only have to own up to whatever I bring up. Hell, you may even have enough time to figure out the perfect excuse / story / alibi or maybe you’ll just switch it around on me and make up some BS story about me or attack the fact that I have ‘accused’ you of something.”

And here’s the thing: When you’re in a situation where you realise that you cannot trust somebody and it might even be one in a long line of things, you’re not not saying anything because you’re trying to ‘make’ them fess up – you’re just done. You know where the land lies, there will be no big showdown or fallout, there will be no big long-ass discussion or justifying or whatever because you decide that you just don’t want to be caught up in their drama.

Compare scenarios:

Scenario A: You know them for a year and during that time, they have done various things (with you and others) to demonstrate that they cannot be trusted nor are they loyal.

Scenario B: Also known them for a year and both in their relationship with you as well as with others, they’ve been consistent, truthful, and loyal but you find out something or they do something that hurts you. It seems so out of character.

You would likely say something in Scenario B and it will cost you more to pursue them about it than you will gain in Scenario A.

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I forgive you, not because I'm ok with what you did or cosigning to your version of events but because I have to step away and get back to me

As I continue making peace with my past and recognising younger parts of me that still hurt and remember, not only am I committed to being self-compassionate and learning from when I’m not, but I’m also committed to not letting my past and those in it get away with robbing me of my present and my peace. I’m in command of me now and I can’t give away my chance at life and my journey because it didn’t start out as I would have liked and because of pain I’ve experienced. In the end, much as I could hold certain things front and centre in my heart and mind and even try to make, for instance, my parents ‘make up’ for everything, it’s me who will feel my commitment to the past and the pain the most.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you’re saying that the other person is “right” or that what they did is/was “OK”; it’s about choosing and re-choosing to let go so that you don’t get stuck living in the past. You forgive, not to anoint the other party with something but to release you to move on and evolve beyond it. Big blocks around forgiveness are fear of condoning, fear that we’re giving them or the universe the blueprints to screw us over, fear of looking weak and fear of being vulnerable by putting ourselves out there again and putting ourselves back together. It’s like, What if I forgive and then I try again at life and get screwed over?  What if they think that they’ve gotten away with it? 

As I continue making peace with my past and recognising younger parts of me that still hurt and remember, not only am I committed to being self-compassionate and learning from when I’m not, but I’m also committed to not letting my past and those in it get away with robbing me of my present and my peace. I’m in command of me now and I can’t give away my chance at life and my journey because it didn’t start out as I would have liked and because of pain I’ve experienced. In the end, much as I could hold certain things front and centre in my heart and mind and even try to make, for instance, my parents ‘make up’ for everything, it’s me who will feel my commitment to the past and the pain the most.

It’s about getting into the present because when you’re actively or passively holding on, you’re not letting go. You might be trying to right the wrongs of the past in some way or ‘dining’ what may be every single day off the anger and other emotions. You may keep rubbing your face in where you feel that you’ve erred and/or rubbing your face in the other person’s behaviour while at the same time attributing it to you.

You forgiving doesn’t mean, I’m right – they’re wrong. Or, I’m wrong – they’re right.

It’s about deciding to be done.

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Everyone bounces back at different rates. Don't apologise for not being Teflon-cated or for quite simply having feelings and a memory that can't be switched off or silenced

It can feel very bewildering and even pressured when we are wounded by something that has happened but somebody is questioning why we haven’t moved on from it yet or they’re struggling to fathom our response to whatever happened. It might be that they’re comparing what they think would be their own reaction with ours, or or it might be that they are technically the cause of the issue and feel that they’ve said or done what is needed for us to move on. It might be one of those situations where they’ve for instance, apologised but what they really want is for us to hurry the hell up and move on so that they can delete the issue from their memory bank. In situations like this, especially if you’re inclined to be a pleaser or certainly inclined to invalidate your own feelings and perspective, you may put you under pressure to move on and forget. You may feel that you’re being too slow.

In reality, we don’t all ‘bounce back’ from conflict, criticism, rejection, loss and disappointment, at the same rate. Hell, some of us don’t ‘bounce’ at all and it can be a painful process to navigate the myriad of emotions and thoughts that we may be contending with in the aftermath of something happening.

Each person’s pace is their own. We are all unique and no matter what we believe that we may share in common with a person, there are very specific individual and personal reasons that influence our recovery.
Ten people could all be in a room when they all experience something traumatic but they will all respond – so they will think, feel, act and ultimately recover – differently.

Our ‘bounceback rate’ as such is influenced by factors including:

Whether we tend to bury, run from, hoard or deal with our feelings. Are we living in the past, on the run, bashing ourselves with the feelings and reliving the pain over and over again, or allowing ourselves to feel and move on from a feeling without judging or censoring it?

The depth of how much we feel. The more we suppress and repress is actually the more we manifest the pain in other ways. It leaks out and shows up somewhere in our day to day experiences. Yes we’ll feel it intensely when we allow ourselves to feel all of our feelings but that helps in the grieving process. It’s important to note though that people who avoid their feelings or who anaesthetise them with people, things or even substances, can appear to ‘bounce back’ but are delaying and in effect stockpiling their pain. That’s why we shouldn’t feel so envious when a person for example, flits from relationship to relationship with their feet barely touching the ground as they exit one bed to another.

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At this time of year, I hear from a lot of people who are battling against what they perceive as the weighty expectations of their nearest and dearest about Christmas / The Holidays  In their heart of hearts, they don’t want to do whatever is being asked (or are assuming is expected) and yet based on this notion that because they’ve for instance, gone to Aunt Flo’s every year or because they are somebody’s child hence they must do what mom and dad say even if they’re a mum and dad themselves or just old enough to be an actual adult, they don’t feel as if they have a choice. They don’t feel that they can decline because they’ve previously accepted. 

This is the same issue that we battle with about asserting boundaries and saying no. It’s as if we have ‘one shot’ and that whatever we agree to whether it’s stated by us or inferred by our apparent lack of resistance, we think that it removes our right to ‘change our mind’ or in simple terms, to do something that takes account of our own needs, expectations, wishes, feelings, and opinions. 

Does the fact that somebody has been able to cross our boundaries give them the right to continue doing so? No one is entitled to disrespect us just because they have previously benefited from what may be our lack of self-esteem or our lack of awareness or even foresight about what certain behaviours or decisions mean. That entitlement does not exist regardless of how we personally manage our boundaries. Integrity dictates a person’s character and actions, not opportunity. The fact that a person is met with somebody who is not managing their boundaries that well does not give them the right to exploit this.   

What are we supposed to do when we realise that we no longer want to be or do something? Pretend that we don’t know better? Are we not allowed to grow as people and make choices that reflect that? If we act as if we have no right of reply, no right to take action even if it’s a delayed one, that leaves us with no options. It’s as if we’re worried about causing offence by acknowledging through a change of our side of things that the situation no longer works for us. 

We worry too much about offending!

Whether we say yes to something fair and reasonable or yes to something that compromises us, no one has the right to continue receiving that yes. We are entitled to reconsider instead of feeling that we must enter into a permanent tacit agreement. 

No one is entitled to disrespect us just because they have previously benefited from what may be our lack of self-esteem or our lack of awareness about who they are

That taps into the issue of complacency. We avoid this and remain conscious, aware, and present when we don’t take it for granted that we can just go on autopilot and that people will say and do whatever we expect them to because that just puts us in a fantasy world where we end up feeling disappointed that people haven’t lived up to the assumptions and pictures that we’ve painted in our minds.  

We have to continue to show up. They have to continue to show up. When this happens, neither person is expecting the other to show up as a yes-person because they care about the other person’s feelings but they’re also aware of their own. 

And coming back to this whole Christmas / The Holidays malarkey, if we’ve done the same thing year after year and it’s not really ‘doing it’ for us anymore, it is OK to take a breather or at the very least to acknowledge that these things are not that enjoyable when they feel or are indeed forced.

Sometimes we go into these arrangements like the sulking, skulking kid who doesn’t want to go on holiday with their annoying parents or be caught in the same room as them. We go into child mode and whoever it is, we hand over the authority to them to decide what we’re going to do. Really, who the hell is going to enjoy anything entered into like that? I know so many people who brace themselves for this time of year as if they’re going to have teeth pulled without anaesthetic! If we’re honest with ourselves, sometimes we create Dynasty levels of drama in our minds about this stuff because it’s easier than admitting that we actually can do something about things and then doing it. 

That’s why so many people get drunk and lairy or get into what in retrospect appear to be petty arguments at these ‘festivities’. It’s all of the suppressed feelings and thoughts. This is also a good time to remember that most people don’t have a family like The Brady Bunch…

There is no rule that says that you ‘should’ suffer through what may be a very unenjoyable gathering. 

Ultimately, you could still actually make the decision to do whatever it is [the Christmas / The Holidays arrangement] that you’ve been struggling with but you’ll stop struggling with it when you make it from a grown-up place rather than almost victimising you and dragging your feet. You’ll stop feeling shortchanged due to people not paying up the ‘debt’ created by you going along with things not so wholeheartedlt. You might even surprise yourself by enjoying it in much the same way that we can drag our heels about going somewhere and end up having a great time. Obviously if you go somewhere hellbent on not enjoying it or coming from a place of, Everyone is out to get me or I’m the odd one out, then lo and behold, that’s what you’ll look for and behave like. 

If different arrangements are made, it’s not to say that the other parties won’t feel disappointed but the sky isn’t going to fall down. It’s likely as well that on some level, they’ve been half-expecting it even if they won’t admit it. Remember as well that there’s always next year – acknowledging how you truly feel means that you can make a commitment and plan ahead to bring in a change. It’s something to look forward to plus you can let the ‘stakeholders’ know so that they have time to get used to it or make their own plans. 

The decision to be or do something has to be made on now, not the past. Stop living there unless you want to continue to put the past on repeat! Acknowledge who you are now! Decide based on now because you’re not the person you were ‘back then’. Just because you’ve been or done something previously, it doesn’t mean that you should or indeed have to do so again. Once you liberate you from the obligation to bust your own boundaries and to remove no from your vocabulary, you will feel a hell of a lot more in command of you and your life instead of being swept along. 

Your thoughts?

There’s a new book coming soon… Finally! All will be revealed in the next week or so. If you haven’t done so yet, check out the the winter session of BR School courses

My Book - Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl

Stop believing that you did something to make them unavailable or that their inadequacies are down to your inadequacies - it is not about you; they are unavailable!
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