Comments on: Guest post: Passion…or Drama?

By: Brad K.

Brad K. — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 01:11:32 +0000

Karen,

This isn’t really about drama. Your relationship is essentially ‘friends with benefits’. You shouldn’t expect more communication, closer bonding, etc. You aren’t mates, you aren’t partners. You don’t owe each other anything more than basic sexual health – not dallying with other partners.

The only conflict is that we like to think of intimacy as being a family-related function. We want a partner, not a sex partner. We want to hold close and comfort and protect those we feel close to. Which leaves you confused, right? As Cheekie pointed out, you weren’t clear about what you wanted when you let this relationship come into being.

If you want more intimacy, more contact, more communication, you need a mate. And you need to be a partner, someone that your SO can depend on. Your first choice is to continue as you are, or end it and begin looking for a life-mate (which might turn out to be this same guy). By ending the casual contact, you focus your energy on what your goals are, and you keep this arrangement from sliding on and on after you stop being satisfied with it.

Luck!

By: Getting Stronger

Getting Stronger — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 04:22:52 +0000

Karen, He sounds like an EUM to me. Mine was very similar. He isn’t considering your feelings…it’s all about him, him, him. No one is that busy or stressed that they can’t make a phone call once or twice a week if he wanted to. If he is still healing from his past, then he is emotionally unavailable to you. Obviously if you were happy with the situation, you wouldn’t be wondering. Sometimes, it seems more subtle, because he is honest and telling you he doesn’t have much to give you…my EUM did the same thing…bottom line is if there isn’t much to give then it’s still crumbs to you…is that what you want to accept…will you be happy with that???
YOUR GUT WILL TELL YOU THE TRUTH.
Good luck.

By: FinallyOverIt

FinallyOverIt — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 15:22:34 +0000

It sounds to me like he is protecting his heart because he was hurt from his failed marriage. We women would probably feel the same, right? So, if I were you, Karen, I would take it slow with this man, assert yourself as far as what you need from the relationship, and if he can’t deliver, then that’s a red flag. It could be that he has feelings for you, but he is still healing from his past relationship. I agree–I’m thinkin’ that he isn’t an EUM, just wounded and needs to heal.

By: Karen

Karen — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 15:03:43 +0000

Thanks for the comments. He did come on really strong in the beginning and then backed off. He does blow hot and cold to some extend. And usually when he gets cold I freak out, which makes him run in the other direction! I am really trying not to do that anymore and it is working out better. He was a really good husband when he was married, his wife cheated on him.
I think Cheekie is right, I need to figure out what I want. I am not really sure anymore. Being a single mother of a 3 year old is really tough. I want a man full time but only if he is going to make life easier, not harder.

By: Kim

Kim — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 13:46:39 +0000

Karen – I don’t think he is an EUM for the sheer fact he has been up front with you. EUM’s typically come on real strong to get you hooked in the beginning & they lie about everything. If you are comfortable with the situation right now just go with it & see what happens if you truly like being with him. Some of the tell tale signs would be him blowing hot & flattering the hell out of you then disappearing for awhile & not wanting to see you. I am a little concerned for you about just the text & email thing but I don’t think you can call him an EUM based on that. Just guard your heart right now & look for other signs. Dishonesty, unrealistic flattery, them disappearing for days or weeks on end then coming back with lines of sh*t. You say you knew his family, how was he with them? Does he seem guarded? Is there something that just doesnt feel right that you can’t put your finger on? Cheekie is right don’t cause un do drama. Just be cautious that’s all. He may be a great guy that just is feeling the pressures of single parenting. Just stay alert!

By: cheekie

cheekie — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 02:14:05 +0000

Hmm Karen,
This is kind of a toughie. For two reasons.
(or more)
One- he is honest with you about his abilities
Two- you want more but either aren’t communicating that fully or aren’t 100% sure about what you want to begin with

I wouldn’t say you are causing drama, and I wouldn’t say he is an EUM. Mainly because he seems to have put his cards on the table.
You have chosen to accept this, but don’t sound like you really like it.
So I guess my only piece of advice is, be sure about what you want, and whether or not this man can provide that for you. Then, if you are still willing, sit down and just tell him that you want to be with him but there are a few things you do need. ie-phone contact.
If he seriously resists, then be calm, but only you can decide where to go from there, and if you know what you want first, it will be calm, clear and rational- no drama.

You do have to respect him for his boundaries regarding his daughters. That’s his right as a parent. But, it doesn’t mean you have to give up your life if it isn’t what you honestly want. Be sure of that first.

And of course everything is great when there are no issues and you relax! men hate relationship confrontation, and honestly? they just want us to chillllllll out! lol. If you are just dating, but with hopes for ltr, then this is exactly how it should be, nice-easy-comfortable. But only if you want it. That’s all that matters right now.

NML? You are the EUM expert…what do you think? (I’m not, I just play one on T.V.)

By: Karen

Karen — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 00:05:54 +0000

Hi ladies. I have been reading this site religiously for months and I am getting really confused. I am not sure if my man is an EUM or not or if I am the cause of the drama in our relationship. I have been seeing this guy for about 2 years on and off. He has full custody of his 2 teenage daughters and a very demanding job. He seems to spend every night that he has free with me, which is about once a week. He says he can see us together for a really long time but has no interest in marriage. I am a single mother and I don’t really want to get married either.
The problem is that he doesn’t communicate with me much in between the times when we are together. I get a few e mails and texts from him during the week – never phone calls. He lives about a mile from me. I go over there once in a while but we mostly spend time at my house. One of his daughters causes him lots of stress and the more stressed out he gets, the more he retreats into himself. He is very reluctant to have me around his daughters. I knew him and his family when he was married, so the whole situation is very akward.
I want more involvement, but every time I push we just argue and then break up. He tells me he can’t handle more right now until his daughters are grown and out of the house. He feels he needs to focus on them right now. If I just relax and don’t push we have a good night together once a week and every now and then we do something with my son. Does he sound like an EUM?

By: lisaq

lisaq — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 11:27:13 +0000

Haha…after the first few paragraphs, I suddenly had a picture of Fabio in my head!

Great post. I don’t think most people would make the distinction but you are right on target. The line about holding on to what we think we want whether the person is right for us or not really hit home for me. I remember when I was all wrapped up in the drama that was my relationship with China, thinking that he didn’t even fit into my life. And yet, I let the drama carry me away and try to hold onto him…even though I never really had him to begin with. That crap puts the Ugh in ugly!

By: cheekie

cheekie — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 00:50:18 +0000

Thx Kimmie!
It is true, regardless of whether or not it was the right relationship for you, it does take two to tango. That’s where we learn for the next one right?
Accepting responsibility for our own actions is a big part of being a grown up, mature, loving person. I don’t mean taking blame, but sharing the responsibility for the downfall or issues. Cause we really only hurt ourselves in the end don’t we…

By: Kim

Kim — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 17:51:43 +0000

Cheekie – I was so craking up at the wakey wakey eggs n’ bakey thing & at the analogy of the “passionate man making love to us in the rain & then not calling”. Funny stuff! This piece really struck a chord with me. I wasn’t even sure what my drama was until this post. I made constant reference to my guy about who he was in the “early” stages & where did that guy go? The confusion for me came during the “reeling” in stage. I didn’t realize he wasn’t being geunine. It was just hard to know in the midst of it & so wanting a relationship so much. Looking back a lot of what he said was just so unrealistic. How about this one – “I remember when we broke up years ago – I used to cry on my way back to college after I had been home for awhile – my heart ached knowing I wouldn’t see you everyday”. I now know that wasn’t realistic. Your last point says it all:

“Thatâ€™s what drama does, it puts conditions, ultimatums and stress onto what could be if you would only let it happenâ€¦.naturally, in itâ€™s own timeâ€¦and no amount of drama is going to change that, but it could ruin it.”

If had any part to play in the demise of my break up, EUM or not, that was it.

Thx for the post!