When you’re in struggling relationships, especially with emotionally unavailable men (Mr Unavailable’s) and assclowns, something your are likely to experience is passive aggression.
According to Wikipedia:
“Passive-aggressive behavior refers to passive, sometimes obstructionist resistance to following through with expectations in interpersonal or occupational situations. It can manifest itself as learned helplessness, procrastination, stubbornness, resentment, sullenness, or deliberate/repeated failure to accomplish requested tasks for which one is (often explicitly) responsible. It is a defense mechanism, and (more often than not) only partly conscious. For example, suppose someone does not wish to attend a party. A passive-aggressive response in that situation might involve taking so long to get ready that the party is nearly over by the time they arrive.”
Now I receive quite a few emails that describe the guy as passive aggressive but actually, in struggling relationships that drag on, this is behaviour that both parties can be guilty of, but for part 1 of this post, I am looking at his behaviour.
Here is a common situation where he exhibits passive aggressive behaviour:
Many men in these situations actions contradict their words. The women who engage in relationships with them have intense discussions about the relationship, telling them what they want/think/and pretty much everything but the kitchen sink. He will say and act like he ‘gets’ what you’re saying so that the discussion can end and promises things that he will not deliver on and insists that he is different to what you claim. He then ends up doing exactly as he pleases, which is normally the opposite of what you want and gets his own way.
But of course there very common examples:
Withdrawing by blowing lukewarm or cold when he thinks that you may need, want, or expect things from him that are actually often based on (false) promises and behaviour during the hot phase.
Cheating or multiple dating to avoid commitment to any one person.
Disappearing so that you don’t become dependent on him because he likes attention, ego stoking, sex but doesn’t want you to depend on him because it feels overwhelming and it’s not what he wants.
Marginalising you by treating you poorly whilst enjoying the fringe benefits of being with you but not finishing it with you because he needs you around so he can get those fringe benefits.
Being non committal by struggling to commit to doing something in a few days never mind in a few months. This is forcing you to stop expecting and asking.
Running rings around you in discussions with you so that you end up doubting yourself or even feeling guilty.
Getting angry with you and then playing nicey-nice to disarm you and bring the situation and you under his control.
Because he makes promises that he can’t keep when you confront him about his poor behaviour, he actually traps you in the web of the relationship which is actually based on lies, smokescreens and essentially poor foundations because by blowing hot and retreating, you get trapped in the hope that this time he will change, when in actual fact he’ll be blowing cold all too soon.
Behaving like a complete assclown and knowing deep down that he is in the hope that you will respect yourself, opt out and reject his behaviour.
How do you end up sticking around a passive aggressive?
By avoiding responsibility for creating your own happiness and putting the responsibility of the relationship succeeding or failing into his own hands. This is another one of those ‘buying time’ scenarios because men that exhibit such poor relationship behaviour yet we stick with them anyway, are a sign that we are avoiding. We’re avoid true conflict because we don’t confront things about ourselves or make ourselves responsible for changing the situation and opting out.
These situations arise from seeking out and being with men that are inherently incapable of meeting your needs hence creating the self-fulfilling prophecy and letting you off the hook.
That’s right – Choosing a man that caters to all of your fears and negative beliefs about yourself, men, and relationships because we choose men that reflect the things we believe.
You’re used to not getting your need met and being with passive aggressive men like Mr Unavailable’s and assclowns means you to get to throw your version of love at men that don’t appreciate it. You then feel disappointed, unappreciated, resentful, frustrated, or even downright angry.
These men take the p*ss by blowing hot and cold and playing havoc with your mind and life and you just end up indulging in self-doubt and blame because his poor behaviour feels like your failure. It’s all incredibly destructive.
But that in itself is part of our own issues with passive aggression and partly control. But that’s for part 2.
What I do know is that passive aggressive behaviour is about dodging responsibility, avoiding being direct, and poor communication.
You have to ask yourself if you’re looking for things from a man incapable of giving them to you. If your relationship is just one long trail of disappointment, resistance, conflict, and basically negativity, you’ve done what you can do and you need to opt out and make yourself responsible for your own happiness rather than trying to make a silk purse out of a pigs ear.
‘But doesn’t this just mean he’s f*cked up and needs my help?’ you may ask. There has to be mighty big foundation to commit yourself to ‘fixing’ someone and the reality is that if you have the desire to ‘fix’ someone, there are things about you that you are avoiding ‘fixing’. My suggestion is always go away, sort your head out, get happy, deal with demons, and then see if you still want this guy when you’re in a different mindset.
In part 2 we look at how women can be passive aggressive in relationships
Your thoughts?
If you want to get ahead on understanding your relationship struggles, especially with emotionally unavailable men, chec out my ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download.
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omg am I the first comment? Maybe by the time I post there will be others before me.
Anyway here is what I have to say: excellent post! I never thought of my EUM’s behavior as passive aggressive before but this spells it out clearly.
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Are all of these behaviors of an assclown described on this website and in the book concious or unconcious behaviors? I mean some people can do this type of thing knowingly and others have this behavior unknowingly. In either case it is horrible. But I wonder if the ones who are unknowingly being an assclown could change. Not for me or another person but for themselves because of all the women they have hurt in their past and how many failed relationships they too have had due to their assclown behaviors. We’re all guilty of these behaviors at some level. Who’s worse? Us or Them?
I don’t know if anyone’s worse LoriG but, at least from my experience, they usually won’t change because they’re so wrapped up in themselves that they don’t see anything wrong with their behavior. And often they will even blame it all on the woman. They are usually very full of ego and quite sure that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with them. In fact, they believe they are the shit.
We, of course, play into it because of our own fears and insecurities and until we take responsibility for that and take steps to correct it, we are accountable as well.
lisaq, you are so right, they are so wrapped up in themselves and have a big ego, they don’t see anything wrong with their behavior.
It is really just a waste of time to be around these type of men. I also believe the older they get – mine was early 50 – there is no way they will or want to change, they bought a one way ticket ot the “selfish planet” and there is no return.
LoriG, if they knowingly or unknowingly are assclowns, does it hurt you less because he doesn’t kow screwed up he is?
If a horse kicks you by accident or on purpose, the pain is the same, isn’t it.
We really just need to stay away from these type of men.
NML I am not sure how to understand this sentence you wrote:
Behaving like a complete assclown and knowing deep down that he is in the hope that you will respect yourself, opt out and reject his behaviour.
Are you saying he is “waiting” on the woman to reject him?
I don’t think we can ever ever “fix” another person.. we can only take responsilbility for ourselves and work on us. It is very true when we are doing everything to fix another person we are doing so because it is too hard and too painful to look at our own lives and fix that.
My ex EUM would tell me it was him and not me…he would tell me that he was the one with the commitment problem…he wasn’t defending his behavior, he was taking the blame for it…still was so hard for me to leave and still difficult because I miss the good times, but I know he wasn’t the only one with the commitment problem, obviously I had one too…working on it though, My point is that it still hurt even if he took some responsibliity for his behavior and wasn’t acting like an assclown…not getting my needs met hurts regardless…each day with NC is making it easier…I’m more than a month now (for the final time).
lisaq you are right. I am sure none of these men ever walk into a therapist’s office and say “Im passive-aggressive and I need help”.
This was my exhusband to a T. Even when he was moving his stuff out, he was blaiming me for being too needy. Self centerness goes hand in hand with this.
Yes Astelle, they do want you to get a back bone and walk away so they can play the victim and to end their wishy washyness.
I just got home from a weekend with my EUM and the first place I come to is here because I’m so angry with myself. My EUM does the same thing finallyseendthelight did…the its me..I have a problem, I don’t know why..blah blah blah! I sat there looking at him last night and wondering what the hell I’m doing. When am I going to respect myself enough to finally opt out?
I think the sentence about him hoping you will respect yourself and opt out is actually pretty accurate, from two fronts. First, maybe not all EUM’s have insight as to what douchebags they are, but mine actually said to me once that I was “spoiling” him, and that he didn’t know what he was going to do when I told him that I couldn’t deal with him anymore. At the time, when I was all in love, I thought he was crazy, but later I realized that not only has he been down the same road many, many times, he also knew that his behavior was totally lame and unacceptable, and that any smart girl would be crazy to stick around and put up with it.
On the second front, that sentence goes back to the post about the woman ending it, even if the man doesn’t, and also the post about him treating you badly until you end it. The nature of being passive aggressive is to not be active, but rather to do nothing in order to get what you want. He doesn’t want to be responsible for ending it, and he knows that any woman with half a brain wouldn’t deal with being treated so badly, so he waits for you to get fed up – then he a) didn’t have to do anything and b) is the victim, and can use sympathy over his terrible relationship and breakup with you to lure in the next unsuspecting fallback girl. If you don’t bail, he’ll just keep getting worse and worse, all the while realizing that he can get away with pretty much anything.
Finallyseenthe light and Noelle, My ex EUM always told me it was him and not me who had the issues, until, of course, the night of the breakup where he accused me of having too many issues that were impossible to deal with…. But in retrospect, I don’t believe that when they say its them, not us, with the problems, that they mean it. Thats their cop out. Because they know we’re not going to dump them for saying that. Its their excuse for maintaining their shabby behavior and refusing to change. They are essentially saying they are screwed up, this is all they can do and/or give because of their problems, and laying it in our laps to either take it or leave it. But its their excuse for not changing. And they know we’re not leaving, we’ll stay, and help, and give, and love them until we eventually, finally somehow find the courage to see the light and leave.And thats when we lose our own self respect, when they lose respect for us, and that horrible downward spiral begins.
Noelle, sending you tons of support to do the opt out thing.
Wendy
Wendy, thank you! I really want to but I’m afraid. I was the one that intitiated the last breakup and then was the one begging him back. Which reminds me of the talking post because I have talked till I’m blue. When I finally (only a few days) later accepted this time was for real..he started coming around again. I’m afraid of not being able to maintain because as much as I want it over and this bad feeling gone, I’ve done this so many times before. It never last! Its such a hopeless feeling. Its almost like how crappy can I be treated (actually he doesn’t treat me bad) its just that he doesn’t meet my emotional needs. He is a nice guy. He has done a lot for me. He has been there when I needed him and went through a bad time and I have been going through some stuff…loss of a job etc…but he can’t give emotionally. By that I mean, his saying I love you always has a but at the end…”but, I don’t know how to handle it” etc. etc. He has even said “I don’t know if I’m capable”..which exactly makes me believe what you said. Its like, take me as I am cause thats all I can give. At least I don’t see a future with him anymore like I used to. I can say that at least.
I completely agree with Noelle when she mentioned how angry she was after being with her EUM. I think sometimes we are so hard on ourselves. We know it’s not right, we’re not getting out needs met, and we want something more. But we just keep going back, thinking maybe this time he’ll say the right thing or do the right thing which will make us think that he wants to change. I think for me since ending my relationship 3 months ago I feel more embarrassed that I could have actually put up with this crap for 2.5 yrs. There was a 9 month span in there of NC. But now I wished I had never broken off the NC rule. If I had remained NC then I would be that much farther ahead instead of having gone back and then having to deal with everything all over again. I’m a smart woman but when it came to this guy I was completely dumbfounded as to how gulable and naive I was. He got angry at me for breaking things off this last time, and said he was finished with me. OK I said. It bothers me that everyone else around him sees his pristine image. He’s always the good guy, he makes sure of that. Sometimes I am so angry I want to seek revenge but then I just focus on something else so that I can shake him from my thoughts and my life for good. Nothing good comes from revenge. The best revenge I feel is to be happy, and successful in my own life and to just keep moving on. That’s what I am trying to do. I’m just having a hard time forgiving myself of the embarrassment I still feel about letting him back in. It was far worse after the NC than it ever was b/4 the NC.
Hi,
I was with the EUM for 2 years. What a roller coaster ride. When I first met him him it was fun but soon after that like every 3 months or so, he would flake out and distance himself or blow lukewarm and then when I decided to go on with my life, he would blow super hot. What a mind game. I also noticed that he was not over his ex-wife, as he would talk about her endlessly and what she was doing and not doing and he would get super mad if he found out that she was dating someone. They both played alot head games with each other and sadly the child who is 9 years old, was in the middle of that crap. BTW, he divorced her 7 years ago and told me that she was crazy, but I never got a real answer as to when he felt that the marriage with not working, was it in year one, two or three. He lived with her for 10 years and was married for 5 years just enough time to have a child. That should have been my red flag. His mother was also a big factor. I believe that she had something to do with the break of his marriage. I was told that she and the ex-wife can’t stand each other, but the ex-wife tried to make amends but the mother would not accept it. He was a mommy’s boy to the max and told his mother everything. She called him daily and even twice a day. If she called while he was talking with me, he would become anxious and hang up with me to talk with her. She also talked about his ex-wife and what was wrong with her etc…
I finally opted out after I realized without a shadow of a doubt that this relationship was doomed and that I deserved so much more, like real love with a man who wanted to be with me and in a committed relationship. Funny my friends saw it way before I did and told me that he was not good for me. I have been out the relationship with the EUM for 3 months now with NC. I am happier and looking forward to greater opportunities for my life.
and yes he was passive aggressive, forgot to add that. He make promises and just not honor them and he would get upset if I mentioned his promises. Weird.
Me too, My EUM would make promises of getting together, or doing something in the future and nothing would happen. I only saw him a couple times per year our relationship would consist of emails and text message and sometimes a phone call (or should I say phone sex). I got to the point where I would ask about the promise to meet and he would get upset that I brought it up and told me to stop being so needy. He would send me pics of his unit and then tell him how he wanted to “do” me and nothing ever transpired. We never had intimate relations. I got to the point where if he called I wouldn’t answer the phone, I would get physically ill or shaky and full of anxiety. I wanted him to call, but when he did call I got to the point where I’d let it go to my VM and listen to it afterward. I could not be his phone whore any longer. He would then ask me why I never call him anymore or pick up the phone when he called. When I called him back I always dialed this special number which allows you to leave a voicemail without the cell phone ringing because I couldn’t talk to him. It was always lies, excuses and all about him. He rarely ever asked anything about me, my day, my workout nothing. I physcially became ill, and shook all over just trying to leave the vm. Everything was my fault, contacting him too much, not contacting him enough. Bothering him when he didn’t want to be bothered, etc.
My friends told me how bad he was for me, but it took a long time before I ever listened.
I had to hit rock bottom first. Thank GOD I’m free now, it hurts like hell but I’m free.
Isabella, was your guy addicted to Alcohol, gambling? Shopped a lot?
Did he move away from Mom and ex-wife?
How do you know that he divorced her and not her him? Him not being over the ex-wife tells me that she initiated the divorce.
How did you end this? Did you tell him or just went NC?
The EUM was addicted to smoking pot. He said that he wasn’t but I beg to differ, he smoked daily and since he was 17 now he is 48. I am not a smoker of anything. His uncle turned him on to it. Thanks uncle (not). He told me that it was natural and not a drug. Whatever. The EUM was getting forgetful about things like driving directions within a span of 5 miles.
His mom lives in another state and his ex-wife lives about 15 miles away from him now. As far as the divorce and who sought it first, I only went by what he told me, but you may be right. I went by his sad tale of how he was so hurt and what she did to him. But the thing is she is not over him either, they both play alot of games and sadly they both involve innocent people in the game playing. For instance when the child needed picking up for “his” week, the ex-wife would ask her “then” boyfriend to meet the EUM to drop the child off. This was so the boyfriend could see the EUM and vice versa. Akward and childish. Also when the ex-wife got a new boyfriend and told the EUM, the EUM would be blazing hot and curse her and yell at her over the phone. I heard some of it and I was surprised at this behavior. As for me, the ex-wife wanted to meet me right away, when I first started going out with the EUM. But who knows what he told her about me to make her make that request. The ex-wife’s boyfriends would last a very short time maybe 2-3 months tops. I think that they got tired of the sh*t and games. I don’t know how I lasted 2 years.
I ended the relationship over the phone and I told him not to call me anymore. I am embarrassed that I stayed that long, OMG what was I thinking?? I do think that he is/was seeing someone else already anyway. He stopped being available on Saturdays or Sundays, but only could see me on a Wed, Thurs or maybe Tues while on his way home from somewhere else, like I was an after thought or “by the way” or something.
Good luck to her.
Lori, I know what you mean about the anxiety and the phone. I would get anxious to if he didn’t call. I checked my home phone and cell phone to see if he called. If he didn’t I was beside myself and when he did I was relived, like a person who needed a drug fix. To get my fix sooner, I would call him. Sometimes, he told me that he did not see his missed calls from me or that his phone was on the charger or the famous, the battery was dead. I had a lot of other things going on and this should have been the least of my worries.
Sometimes I would say to myself “please text me, please text me” and then low and behold a text would come through. But when I read the txt it was so dissapointing and cold. I would reply back only to get another cold response or no response at all. If I hadn’t replied as a girl all out for fun and games he was not the least interested. He only wanted the fun/happy go lucky Lori. But I kept texting anyway. Ugh! Talk about relationship crack. OMG! I was miserable more than I was ever happy or all the interested in him. I never asked about him, where he was, who he was with, how his job was nothing. I kept for him to ask me first. Never happened. He always enjoyed talking about himself. His aches/pains, his stomach ache, his frustrating day at work, his HH with his buddies. I never replied to those things or replied. Bummer. I’m still hurting, but I’m glad to be away from him and I keep telling myself he can’t hurt me anymore. It’s up to me to get healthy, and bring on my own success. I’m excited for that, excited for what my future holds now that I am better educated on these dysfunctional men and relationships with them.
Good luck Isabella, keep the NC going.
Thank you for this post, NML. I have definitely experienced this sort of behaviour in my last relationship. I must admit, he did tell me in the beginning that he wasn’t ready to be jumping into a relationship with both feet, but I just wasn’t really listening. And he still seemed interested so we both kept going with the relationship, but it was a struggle.
I set my boundaries and when he wasn’t meeting them, I would leave (once for a month, and the second time for two months), and then we would get back together. To his credit, he always gave more each time when he came back, but it wasn’t enough, it wasn’t meeting my needs. There were also small things that were questionable, little red flags along the way too. Then I started to question myself: am I asking for too much? But, in the end I stuck to my vision, and didn’t give up, and kept asking for more. So, the cycle continued. I would ask for more, and when it reached a certain point, and it was too much for him, he would withdraw, and in turn, upset me even more. I finally ended things for good.
That was six months ago (and had no contact since, even though he tried), and I feel so much better. Realizing that I didn’t have to put up with any of it was so freeing. Sure, I miss him sometimes; I cared deeply about him, and I miss the companionship, but overall, I am so much happier.
LoriG – I feel like the biggest fool in town. Our town is small so everyone knew and now he is on to a new woman and being as nice as can be. I feel so stupid and can’t stop wondering why he treated me like crap, why I didn’t see it sooner, why he is nice to new woman… [arrrgggggghhhhh]. I need to slap myself! Even worse the guy is bad-mouthing ME and saying some terrible things that aren’t true so that he looks good.
My friend introduced me to this site. It’ wonderful, and so informative.
I have finally decided to end a off and on 4 yr relationship with an EUM. This first week has been awful. I’m crying nonstop. Today was a little better though. This EUM is currently livign with another woman, yet trying to convince me he loves both of us and I should just accept it, and that his children are attached to her and he is going to stay with her. I have tried to get away from him many times, never with any success. I feel that I must follow through this. He has even suggested that i get pregnant so I’ll be stuck with him for the next 18 yrs. I did actually get prenant earlier this year, but had a miscarriage. When I did tell him I was pregnant, (He was living with this same person….they broke up then recently got back together). He told me he would help me when he could. This other woman sees her own 2 daughters evry other weekend, and takes care of his full time. I keep wondering what she has that I don’t. I continually bailed him out of stuff and helped him. I feel like a fool. He’s still trying to communicate,telling me I’ll return like I always do.
Holly, I so hope you are not that stupid to have a baby with this man??? I am also wondering about the woman he lives with:
She sees her OWN kids only every other weekend (Probably no custody) but takes care of his full time??
What is wrong with this picture?? A woman will not leave her kids behind to be a full time Mom to somebody elses kids.
There is something really wrong…
Holly, download NML’s book as soon as you can and start reading, you will find so many answers about these kind of behavior.
Loves you both? He wants his cake and eat it too!
Astelle: No way am I insane enough to have a baby with this jerk. I’m mainly trying to just move on a disentangle myself from this web of insanity. Another jackass move was sending me pics of the 2 of them getting it on and asking me if I’d like to join in!
Holly, OMG, I can’t believe that, well you know what to do!
I just downloaded NML’s book. right up my alley.
Holly, honestly reading the part about him sending you pics of the two of them getting it on and asking you to join in made my stomach do a flip flop. This is so hurtful, and it reminds me all too well of some of things my EUM did. He sent me txt pics of his unit all the time wanting to know how I’d like it, or if I wanted to do him. But we never had sexual relations, he was married and kept telling me he wasn’t ready yet. I’ve oftened told myself, “well at least I didn’t have sex with him” but it doesn’t make things any easier. It almost seems worse, because I truly was being led on and no matter how many times I tried to end it I’d still keep going back for more. These men are sickening, and disgraceful and they have no remorse or think nothing is wrong with how they are behaving towards us. Read the book, do the NC, and get on with your life. You deserve so much better. Run from this guy, run like you’re hair is on fire!!!
Lori,
Despite all the atrocious behavior this man has displayed torwards me, I have also gone back for more more than once. He always would say something that would make me question my decision, and, inevitably, I would come back. This time I am determined to break off this relationship for good. I am having a hard time with NC. Why? I’m starting to wonder what the hell is the matter with me. Sometimes I still find myself obsessing about “why her and not me”. Thanks for listening ladies!
Lori,
Despite all the atrocious behavior this man has displayed torwards me, I have also gone back for more more than once. He always would say something that would make me question my decision, and, inevitably, I would come back. This time I am determined to break off this relationship for good. I am having a hard time with NC. Why? I’m starting to wonder what the hell is the matter with me. Sometimes I still find myself obsessing about “why her and not me”.
There is nothing wrong with you Holly. You have to read the book, at least promise me you will stay NC until after you’ve gotten through the whole book. Set that as a goal, if you need moral support use this site and get support from those of us that have been there and can help you through it. It’s the best thing you can do for yourself. Stay strong, set a goal for yourself of NC and once you meet that goal set another one. These goals can be small or short term, they don’t have to be long term. Just take one day at a time, stay in the here and now do what you can today. Worry about tomorrow when it gets here and let go of all the yesterdays. You found this site for a reason now let us help you get through it. Just one step at a time, one feeling at a time, one moment at a time. You can do it, believe in yourself!
Holly, what a royal ass-wipe he is!!!
Stay with us, girl. We are in rehab and taking care of each other.
Holly, “why her and not me?” I gave you my opinion on her, yes, I know that I don’t know her circumstances for not raising her OWN kids, but it doesn’t sound good to me at all. Do you have kids?
I have kids and I promise you, somebody would have to cut my arms off before I would leave my kids behind.
Let those two be “happy” and move on, read Natalie’s book, highlight stuff for quick reference – I did when I started to doubt myself – stick with NC and you will feel better.
Lori, I don’t remember your story right now, did you just have an e-mail “relationship” with that guy? Did you ever see him?
He is married, reason number one to stay away from him.
You said he sent you pictures of his unit (Gag), sounds to me he is a pervert, getting off on knowing a woman is looking at his unit. (still gagging).
Give me a quick recap on this dude if you don’t mind.
Hi Astelle, my recap is the guy was married and we worked together for 6 yrs – nothing ever happened during that time. I left the company and he pursued me thru email, then he somehow convinced me to let him help me out at this new company after hours. I’m an IT Manager and I went from a large co. to a small family owned co. and was the only IT person so there was a lot to do. So that’s how this whole mess started and he made a couple passes at me, which I stopped, but as the book says he just persisted he wouldn’t stop. I kept saying it was business(work) only he kept trying for more (but never produced anything) and so the story goes. All of sudden he became unreliable, would cancel at the last minute after he committed to working. So I told him to get lost and he was fired. He then blew HOT, really HOT kept calling, emailing, apologizing but I never let him come back to the office. He did some work for me off-site but I would drop off equipment at his house and he would be all touchy feely and once he hugged me and I felt his unit. I pushed him away and said I’m not dropping stuff off here anymore. He would then get cold, really cold his emails would stop, his txt msg would stop. I thought I had worked on my self-esteem and I was doing much better b/4 I met him. I realize now that I had a long ways to go.
All of a sudden he would blow HOT, that’s when I got sucked back in. I don’t even remember now how the sick sexual txt msgs, emails and pics started. It just did and I (like a dope) fell for it. And when he blew COLD, frigid cold, I would be like an addict needing a fix. Trying to get his attn and getting almost nothing in return. He is a first class narcissist. He refused to see me, or meet me it was all just email, phone, txt. I kept asking myself the same thing Holly is. “What’s wrong with me”. Well, there was nothing wrong that a little self-esteem wouldn’t fix.
I must have tried NC at least 5-6 times for periods of weeks and months and then he would txt and leave msgs on my work nbr. How much he “missed me”. Then I would go back, he would claim he changed and the sickening cycle would start all over. He admitted he was obsessed with me, my body, having sex with me etc and I still didn’t see the clues. And here’s the thing ladies, listen when a man tells you something you’d rather not here or don’t want to accept. They are telling you exactly where they stand with you. Stop denying their words, and listen and get away from these sick perverted, disgusting guys. You know they are only after sex, because they will in some way tell you they are. So listen, not just with your ears, but your heart, your gut everything.
It got so bad that when this guy contacted me I would get physically ill, stomach aches, headaches, you name it. When I would txt him my hands would be shaking, and sometimes I’d leave him a msg praying he would not call me back because just the thought of talking to him made me cringe. But it took me 2 years, to dump him. I went from a size 6 to a size 12 in that time, I lost all respect for myself, and doubted all my talents and abilities. I’d never felt so horrible being involved with any human being. Not ever.
He contacted me for the last time 3 months ago to tell me his wife was pregnant. It was the last straw for me, as I had been working on myself with everything I had. I was to a point that I had no real feelings for him anymore, and I was less and less available to him. He was blowing WARM then, because he was trying to keep me around. You know for that rainy day when his wife wouldn’t put out, or was in a mood. But I let him have it, I got to say everything I wanted to say and he (as ususal) would not take responsibility for one thing. Said nothing was intentional, never apologized, was cold as hell and even angry that I confronted him.
So, somewhere along the line I ran across this site and downloaded the book first thing. Read it in hours and now I’m getting my head on straight, my life back on track, and I’m taking care of myself. I’m a codependent caretaker, it’s a disease which allows people (women too) to be attracted to you because of how caring, and how willing you are to put other people’s needs b/4 your own. I’ve been in therapy and have also joined a Coda group. It has helped a great deal.
The other thing which helped is that I began to journal my feelings, thoughts, etc everyday so I could go back and read what was happening. Because for some reason b/4 I conveniently forgot stuff. This helped stay real with myself and to see the patterns and start to pay more attn to my own body signals. It helped me stay focused on what I needed to do to get free and to take care of myself.
It’s a journey, but a journey worth traveling. You get your own life back, you empower yourself, and you begin to radiate a new kind of energy. But first you have to break free, first you have to enforce the NC rule that’s the only way they will ever leave you alone. Thanks NML!!!
Hi ladies, Hope everyone had a decent weekend. Its been 2 days NC for me, and to be honest, I don’t feel horrible.Of course, he hasnt called me and I haven’t called him. I dont’ know if I would have picked up the phone if he had called. I did speak to the EUM on friday, and told him basically that the “Old Holly” was out the door. He told me that I should have begun setting boundaries in the beginning, not 4 years later! Then he starts blowing hot again and calls me 4 times in a hour. It still felt great to say it. Am I still afraid of being alone? yes, I would be lying if I said I wasn’t. I, like Lori, am considering joining a CODA group. I think it might help. I’m starting to realize that perhaps the other woman my EUM is living with probably does have something I don’t:more than likely some undesirable traits that I don’t have. He is an emotional blackmailer. I know this is going to be hard, but I am determined this time to be rid of this nutcase i know now after reading a few self-help books on emotionally abused women that I must also try and resolve some issue I have with my father, who was, and still continues to be EXTREMELY emotionally abusive.
Read “Women who love too much”. That along with NML’s book will put things in perspective for you and will help guide you in the direction that is best for YOU and that’s what’s important here. Stay NC it works. Really it does.
This morning the EUM text messages me with ” Good luck finding a new man since you don’t want me anymore and I’m not leaving Michelle (his GF)”. This is after 3 days of NC. What the hell? Thank God I downloaded NML’s book. This guy seriously makes me feel like I’m going to have a nervous breakdown sometimes.
Sounds to me like he is in the *angry* stage of knowing you are not at his beck and call. The last time my EUM and I broke up after about 3 days of NC he text me saying he wanted to ask me something, then he text me asking if I had run back to the man I was seeing before him. Pretty much the same thing your EUM is doing. Let him be angry! You keep healing and keep NC! You will be so much better off.
Holly, save yourself now. Don’t respond and I recommend that you have your cell number changed. He has clearly stated his intentions are with his GF, and he’s trying to draw you out – don’t get sucked into any more drama with this guy.
Stay NC, take steps to protect yourself from him. Changing your phone number on home and cell will help you when you are wishing for him to call. He can’t call, text or whatever because your numbers are changed. If you have an email account get it changed or contact them and have his email address blocked. This way you’re not wishing or waiting for him to send an email. If he does he will get a kick back stating he’s been blocked or he will get no response because the account has been cancelled.
You deserve so much more than this guy has to offer, just keep reading some of the posts on this site, re-read parts of the book and stay strong. Love doesn’t hurt this bad, loving someone isn’t this frickin hard. You can do it!!!
I agree with Tryingtoleavehim….she’s right let him be angry. Stay NC!
I told him that since, according to him, i’m crazy anyway, and he should be happy to be done with me. It just aggravates the hell out of me that he’s making me out to be the bad guy here! He moved in with someone else while i put my damn life on hold for 4 yrs. I’m trying to stay angry so I don’t backslide.
Thank you Lori and tryingtoleavehim! I am determined to not go back this time. I’m scared a little to be alone (stupid, i guess, since I’m almost 30). I think I will be ok. It’s nice to have this site to fall back on.
Thank you Lori and tryingtoleavehim! I’m scared a little to be alone (stupid, i guess, since I’m almost 30). I think I will be ok. It’s nice to have this site to fall back on.
Holly- the texting back/forth is going to make you crazy. No one wins here. It’s a game, it’s drama and you need to cut the cord immediately! NC is the only way to get you off this rollercoaster.
You’re right. it’s pointless. I’ve been making some headway and I don’t want to go back to being so crazy and unhappy all the time. I’t funny, I really didn’t expect that when i finally came to the decision to break ties forever. I guess he really did need me more than I needed him.
Holly, I did go back, that was over a month ago and I’m not really happy because I know that really, nothing has changed. He hasn’t commited the way I want. But at the same time I can’t seem to break away now either. I think about it which is at least a step closer than I was 6 months ago. 6 months ago I was totally blind but with the help of this site and my reading it daily at least now I know what I need to do, I understand him a little better so that is a positive thing. Maybe its my fear of being alone at 40! Do whatever you have to do not to banter back and forth because that is what HE wants…even with the negative communication, its responding to him. When you ignore him and don’t respond, he will know its over and the decision has been made and even more empowering is YOU have made it. Not him. Keep hanging in!
It really amazes me how I got sucked into all these lies and bullshit. I’m so smart about alot of other things but not about him.
LoriG, I just ordered the book “Women who love too much” along with “Breaking your addiction to a person” so maybe those with NML’s book I will finally get an expolsion in my head (for the last time) and finally end it for the last time! I’m working on the backout plan so I have a date set. Now, I have my reading to do! Thanks for the advice!
Tryingtoleavehim and Holly- you are both smart, beautiful, talented and worth more than these assclowns can ever offer. Nothing will be gained by you beating yourself up about them, we’ve all been there that’s why we’re here trying to help you through it. There’s nothing wrong with you that a some self-esteem won’t fix. Do the work on YOU, get your life back, get your self-esteem built back up and life will get easier day by day.
When I was doing NC I did positive affirmations all the time I had some in my purse, in my car, on my bathroom mirror every where I could think of to help me feel good about ME.
Stay strong!
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