Comments on: Passive Aggression in Relationships Part 1

By: bronwen

bronwen — Sun, 11 Apr 2010 17:38:25 +0000

Hi
I wanted to give a real example of what is happening to me in this newish relationship. Newish because even though it’s been a year – I am 2 years out of a divorce [my decision - no third parties].
OK this man is married – but I hope I am in a safe forum where people will please not be too judgemental but try to help if poss. He has been married for 20 years – and has had a number of affairs [one for 10 years]. His wife is 5 years older and he says they have not had sex for 13 years.
I am not ready to settle down with anyone. My marriage was very abusive and the divorce though my decision took a lot out of me.
Anyway, this guy just sees me when he wants – always with very little notice, takes lots of holidays on his own and with his wife – again with very short notice. But i know her is very fond of her.
We met at work and though I cannot afford holidays I have just had a week off work to recharge my batteries. He text me every day [sometimes twice] and then called to say he was coming round to drop off a camera I had lent and would call when he was nearer. I was finishing off a job application when he rang to say he was outside. I was sitting in bed with my laptop so I saved my work, put my shoes on, brushed my hair etc and went out. As I went out the door he texted me saying time is tight and he had to go back. The journey had been a 2 hour cycle ride.
Whenever I try to cool things we have always ended back together as he is a car driver and my work has relocated nearly 2 hours by public transport from my house. i come home with him – He is a senior manager and I am telesales.
I am trying to get a new job. Help I love him but am feeling controlled and feel I am just a pastime to keep his marriage going.
Is there any hope? I have got really upset today after the camera incident. Thank you anyone who might be able to help.

By: Dan

Dan — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 03:44:33 +0000

p.s. I hope my posts show that not all men enjoy feeling this way, or having this problem.
.-= Dan´s last blog ..Threadless Tshirt Giveaway at jaypeeonline.net =-.

By: Dan

Dan — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 03:42:26 +0000

After doing alot of research and self discovery in trying to fix my lifes problems, it came to light that I was an “assclown” or a Passive Aggressive male..

Every bit of reading i’ve done so far claims that we are “beyond all hope” and that we’ll “never change.” I really hope that isn’t true, because I can’t stand having it. I don’t ever -mean- to do it, it’s those moments when we get “hot” and we can’t control our actions, words, even thoughts.. It sickens me after I realize what I said or did, but it’s always too late and it always ends the same.

I’ve also learned that it’s caused by childhood development, being taught anger isn’t a normal feeling, or getting scolded for showing anger, causing us to repress it. That being the case, perhaps that could link with how to fix the issue.

Again, I wish to rid myself of this problem, i’m in a serious relationship and it causes so much tension. Now all of our arguments make so much more sense after learning about this, it’s all -me- causing the problems.

We are going to work together on it, All you need is Love.
.-= Dan´s last blog ..Threadless Tshirt Giveaway at jaypeeonline.net =-.

By: numblassie

numblassie — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 02:22:11 +0000

OMG! I really hope I’ve found this site a whole lot earlier. Would have saved me from all the heart ache & pain. I was definately dating a passive agressive, emotionally unavailable, selfish MM who only loves himself & blows hot & cold & then try to twill me ard his pinky!

Antonia,
My two cents worth.. I think u shld take a break from this relationship & start to focus on urself cos he’s makin u feel like a lesser person. There’s always a history with a loved one. Or maybe, he still loves you but is not in love with you?

Take time off, minimal or no contact. If u guys managed to get back together again, reaffirmed the basic values/fnds of ur relationship. Then u’ve got urself a keeper. Rite now at the rate it’s wearing both of u out(esp u), I doubt it”ll be easy for u guys to even stay as frens after this whole episode. I hope this helps & I know it’s painful & frustrating. Be strong!

By: Antonia

Antonia — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 00:14:53 +0000

I have just come across this site and I find it amazing.
I myself am in a relalationship a year and a half, he was my good friend for a few years before. Things were great when we became a couple, felt natural, I knew al along it was meant be.
Im an independent and strong minded person, but now as I think back Im not how I used to be. The recently constant arguing has worn me down. I think we clash, but i give in more often to just stop d argument. I grew some of my old balls back last month when I finally called it a day, because the day we came back from a 10 day holiday he claimed he felt ‘ugh’ after spending so much time with me!!! So naturally he came back promising things will change for he better and i gave him a chance. Now, a month on, he’s just told me Im CLINGY!!! I see him once maybe twice a week, when I do I enjoy it although lately he’s been diatant so iv upped my game an have kissed and hugged him randomly to see can i get d slightest bit of affection back from him and now im ‘clingy’! Im baffled! he’s saying now he doesn know what he wants and neither do I and I know this sounds silly because it looks like he obviously wants us to end, but with our history I know its not that easy.. for both of us! We are in love, but the arguments are just to much.. again, for both of us.
What do I do?!

By: Patricia

Patricia — Wed, 13 May 2009 14:40:27 +0000

I am starting pyschotherapy on Friday as I have been obsessing for nearly 18 months now and still cant seem to move on. He’s with someone else now and has been for about a year. She was his best mates partner and I knew her well, even went out together. They broke up just before he walked out on me, and I knew she was making a play for him, the tart. Still they deserve each other. I was promised marriage and got a beautiful expensive ring, and we planned our future together and he was really wonderful to me for the first year and then started to back off. I know he was taking drugs, he smoked cannabis and used cocaine and so did she, both running up debts. I know am so better out of it, but still cant stop thinking about him. I began to phone those bloody psychics, as it was one predicted that I would meet him and I did exactly as they said, but they never predicted this would happen and said that he would come back. So I have waited and waited until I found out last week he was with her and she wrote me a scrappy note stating that he was happy, in love and married. She must be as insecure as me. Yes and he is her problem now thank God, and I have to sort out mine.

By: debbie

debbie — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 08:45:27 +0000

I am starting a counselling course at the end of April and hope this will help. I have asked him to join me but his answer is “why change something thats worked for 22 years”. My reply was “because its stopped working”. x

By: Delicia1973

Delicia1973 — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 16:31:42 +0000

All True!!!

By: Debbie

Debbie — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 09:51:47 +0000

My fellas actions have always left me feeling puzzled! Ive never got my head around the fact he witholds affection as a form of punishment accompanied by the silent treatment. He communicates in non-verbal ways. Its all done with facial gestures and body language. Half the time i never know what i have done wrong and it then becomes like a multiple choice quiz! …. are you unhappy because………? fill in the blanks! He has a very addictive personality and during down time he fixates on the latest addiction. Every spare moment being dedicated to it. He has had a gambling addiction in the past, partying addiction, fishing addiction and now its online gaming. Anything that can take him away from problems within the marriage itself. Yet he says he is happy! His face is constantly set in stone. Everyone that ever knew him says he is a miserable man with an attitude problem! x

By: Gina

Gina — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 09:26:59 +0000

I found when I was dating an assclown – his actions were controdicting words. For instance: I would kiss him; I could feel him backing away and him stating “you sure like to kiss don’t you?”… then confronted him and his reply was “Kissing you is my favorite thing to do!” OKAY ASSCLOWN!!! If you don’t want to kiss me why the hell are we dating in the first place, be gone! LOL … One of those guys who came on strong and backing off – MY BAD for not sticking with stronger boundaries.

By: Debbie

Debbie — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 07:21:39 +0000

He doesnt see there is a problem. Its all down to me being overly sensitive and never being satisfied according to him. Every discussion i ever had with him he just sat there fixated on the tv, shaking his head in disgust. All he ever says is “i go to work and bring home the money, maybe i should jack my job in and see how far we get then”. Thats all he does do if i am honest because the rest of the time he is either deeply concentrating on the tv or persuing online gaming avidly. Theres so much more i can say but what i dont understand is why get married in the first place if he cannot give anything of himself? x

By: Astelle

Astelle — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 23:07:17 +0000

Counseling won’t help, I divorced mine after 18 years, they won’t change and also they don’t feel like they need counseling.

By: Gaynor

Gaynor — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 16:01:45 +0000

Debbie,

Why don’t you two go to counseling?

By: Debbie

Debbie — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 08:03:24 +0000

I have been married to one of these men for 22 years. Only in the last 5 years have i really noticed how bad he is and thats mainly because i have done a lot of internet research. Life has been full of broken promises, procrastination and avoidance on his part. His way of dealing with problems is to sulk and dish out the silent treatment. He rarely speaks but walks about with this “i am so sad” look on his face which leaves everyone wondering what they did wrong. He just lost his job before christmas because his PA behaviour was not tolerated in the workplace. He is the most laid back man i ever met as long as no one rocks the boat and expects anything from him. Emotionally he describes himself as “emotionally detached” and blames that on the fact he had to come second best when our two beautiful children arrived. He never takes responsibility for anything. 12 years ago he cheated and of course that was my fault because i was too busy to pander to his every whim. I have stopped discussing problems with him. I know he will never change. When i feel that things get too much i walk away and write in my journal which really frustrates and angers him. I am sure he loves all the relationship discussions (even though he never responds) because he gets attention. I have stopped it totally. x

By: Betterwithouthim

Betterwithouthim — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 20:09:46 +0000

Canaan-You go girl! You’ve got the right idea, just keep on with the recovery piece, you sound very positive.