Comments on: Passive Aggression in Relationships – Part 2

By: tired

tired — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 13:30:59 +0000

Wow. I am so glad to find this post (as well as the others on this site). I’ve been dating a guy who is EXACTLY like this and I see myself responding in the ways you mentioned. For about 2 years, I just put up with it and kept my sadness/frustration to myself – always thinking if I were “prettier” or “more secure” he would want to commit to me. But I have noticed for the past year or so I am starting to exhibit many PA behaviors myself – I have been making short, stabbing comments when I feel he is pulling away or giving HIM the silent treatment – all in hopes that HE will stop behaving the way he does. So now we are caught up in this dance with one another – the push/pull one. Thanks so much for the enlightenment – I really needed it.

By: FinallyOverIt

FinallyOverIt — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 22:36:16 +0000

I agree with the comments regarding Trish’s situation. What she is experiencing with this man is total verbal abuse, and sadly, what can come next is physical abuse. This does go way beyond just getting jacked around by an EUM–this is very serious, and Trish–please find the courage to leave this man, if not for you–for the sake of your kids. Good luck to you.

By: Snake In My Shoe

Snake In My Shoe — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 22:11:19 +0000

So glad that Annie referred me to your site. I am going through a distructive divorce after 18 years of marriage and trying to prove my worth to someone that was not worth half my life. I did sent him packing but only after I let him assist in destroying pretty much every part of me. Now that the divorce is on, I see that he treats me the same as he did while we were together. The day he filed for divorce, he called, invited me to lunch, accepted $1,000 from me and never mentioned a word about filing papers or even wanting a divorce. In fact he played upon my thoughts of divorce being wrong by pretending to reconsile until I was finally served papers in May. Meanwhile, he had a tart on the side that he was, still is, playing for a fool. I finally met someone that I thought was a good man, but after a couple months, he’s a verbally abusive assclown. At least I recognize it now, although dumping said clown when I am at my lowest of lows has not been done YET. Guess I still feel the ole tug to be comfortably mistreated. Oh, but I will get beyond this! Thank all of you for frankness when I do not know what to believe anymore.

By: ReginaToxicodendronDiversilobum

ReginaToxicodendronDiversilobum — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 03:51:29 +0000

Trish, please let us know how you are doing. We are all here in some state of broken heartedness and healing, but I am just a bit worried that your case is more serious than most of us. Phone home, Trish!

As NML said, this guy is more than an EUM, he is a bully. The bully is a pathological type, who does long-lasting emotional damage on a career basis. I had a workplace bully (a woman) who beat the self-esteem out of me for about seven years, the damage of which, I believe, is what led me into involving myself with EUMs.

Many hugs and keep in touch.

By: NML

NML — Sun, 07 Dec 2008 09:59:09 +0000

Trish, I just read your comment and felt compelled to say something. As Carm has rightly pointed out, you can’t ‘get’ counselling for someone. His behaviour is incredibly disrespectful and cowardly. He is a bully and the fact that he doesn’t even have the decency to hold back around your daughters speaks volumes. If you think you can get him to want to go for counselling then that is a different matter but if he has such a huge superiority complex, I doubt that he will see any value in what you are saying. His behaviour is hugely concerning, not least because if this continues without being addressed, your daughters will learn a pattern of behaviour that will impact on their future relationships. You are in an abusive relationship and your daughters are a party to that. If anything, you should get counselling and focus on building the strength to get out for this bully of a man. No good will come of being around a man with this character. {{hugs}}

By: Carm

Carm — Sun, 07 Dec 2008 05:57:54 +0000

Trish,
You can’t “get counseling” for someone. Usually the only people who are helped by counseling are people who want to change and recognize they have issues and enter it on their own accord. Something tells me your guy doesn’t fall anywhere near into that category.

You should get out of the relationship as soon as possible. Like Regina said, get out while you still have a mind to work with. If not for your own sanity and self respect, then for your daughters. Having them witness you being treated like this by a man, as well as him starting to show the same behavior towards them, will MESS THEM UP.

By: Trish

Trish — Sun, 07 Dec 2008 05:12:17 +0000

Thanks Regina and Astelle for your replies. Regina I can identify with your aunt, I too have a difficult time having a conversation with people when he is around in fear he may try to correct me. He even rearranges the way I put dishes in the dishwasher because he thinks he can load it better. I have brought this to his attention on many occasions, sometimes he corrects the behavior but then goes back to it. Many times I thought of leaving, especially now that he is starting to show behavior like this to my daughters. At dinner he will tell them “I like such such to eat you should too”, He also make coughing noises when he doesn’t want anyone to hear me speak. My biggest fear is that the girls will either start to treat me like this or that they choose future partners that behave like this. Should I get counseling for this guy or should I just get out of the relationship?

By: Astelle

Astelle — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 18:48:40 +0000

Trish, sounds like you have a narcissist on your hands. Control is like air to them.

By: ReginaToxicodendronDiversilobum

ReginaToxicodendronDiversilobum — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 18:04:41 +0000

Trish, this guy is one of the most damaging types. He is a controller. Get out while you still have a mind to work with.

He might be narcissist on top, but a controlling personality is rarely treatable. I had an aunt married to one of these guys, by the time she was in her early 40’s, you might think she had Alzheimers, she could barely speak, she stuttered so much and she could not develop or express an opinion of her own, she would just agree with whatever anybody else said. The uncle had to tell her where on the sofa to sit, which channel to turn the TV to, and when to refill guest’s drinks, but mostly, when to talk, which was almost never.

By: Trish

Trish — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 06:03:19 +0000

WOW what a great site! Unbelievable how many people are dealing with this behavior. Not sure where to categorize a man who thinks his daughters should think/behave just like him even though he claims he is in loving relationship. I don’t have people over because I am always “corrected” in what I say because he thinks he is always right. Is this nariccistism or passive/aggressive behavior? You are so right about men who don’t have a good relationship with their mothers. If I only knew then what I know now!

By: tulipa

tulipa — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 01:37:01 +0000

I wish I knew all what I know now I would have saved myself a lot of time and heartbreak. Even though I am having a hard time letting go of an EUM utimately it will be for my own good to completely end everything as he always was incapable of giving me what I needed and nothing has changed so there is no point me in even telling him and talking and talking and creating drama … I wish it was easy to redefine yourself and to change but I spent a long time being this way so I figure it will be a while for change to take place.
Looking forward to part three of this post..

By: ReginaToxicodendronDiversilobum

ReginaToxicodendronDiversilobum — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 17:20:37 +0000

Hi MyAlmostLover, I want to acknowledge, yes I’m without the man I loved as well and yes I’m lonely and it sucks. I’m with you there, girl, and no I can’t imagine any other man who would interest me like him. So men are just not going to be a part of my life in that way, so I guess I am just going to try to make the other parts of my life go as well as possible.

By: Sabrina

Sabrina — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 08:10:34 +0000

Just registering so I can follow the discussion. Great post, and sadly I’ve dealt with P/A b/friends and people all too often…

By: FinallyOverIt

FinallyOverIt — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 23:02:12 +0000

Hi Noelle, that is called “a defining moment.” It’s a moment that happens when this light bulb goes off in your head and everything becomes clear, you know what you need to do, and YOU DO IT. My defining moment was when my ex-EUM had come over to my house on a Sunday afternoon to help me finish my laminate floor in my living room. I was in my kitchen looking at him outside my window in my backyard cutting wood with a jigsaw and concentrating on doing a good job, etc. I suddenly had this feeling of total happiness and I felt complete. My “man” was in my backyard helping me, and sharing a project with me, and we were having a great time. Then, all of a sudden, that moment turned into extreme pain and sadness and the instant realization that he WOULD NEVER BE THIS MAN. This was a fantasy. This was just one of his “blowing hot” phases, and soon he would disappear again (which he did). I think the fact that I experienced this moment with him made me realize the sad reality of our relationship and that bittersweet moment gave me the strength to walk away. That was the last time he came over to my house, and we haven’t really spoken since. I have maintained NC for almost three months, and I am done….

By: Noelle

Noelle — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 21:59:58 +0000

I have a gf that said it best..”when you finally get enough of it, you will leave.” I keep wondering about that. I mean, I ask myself now, when you KNOW that he will not be the man you want, why in the world do you stay? I said to myself the other day, I have no expectations anymore at all. I don’t have any hope left that we will be the couple I had once dreamed of. I know we won’t. I know he isn’t going to wake up one day and say I know now for sure I do love you, lets get married. What a joke! I don’t live in the fantasy world anymore. Maybe thats why I stay so angry with myself and feel myself getting more and more angry with him. While he sits there and can look me in the eye and actually say…”I love you but I’m trying to figure it out” AND the clincher “but we keep winding up back together”….I think did he really just say that? Does he really think its some kind of cosmic thing and that because *we* keep getting back together it MUST BE true love? GEESE! I wish it were easy and sometimes I wish there was a pill you could take to just forget! Then I remember what my gf said and think, when I finally get enough!….