” he then proceeded to sabotage it, and then forever kept blaming me for that trip.”

I forgot to put that part in too! I was also blamed for ‘how badly the trip went’, although he was the one that screwed it up by being a jerk. And everytime we had a fight after that, he *alwaaaays* brought it up, as ‘evidence’ of my bad behavior! argh!!! He would also then use that trip as an excuse why “now I’m afraid to go away anywhere with you!” (utterly maddening) Unfortunately, this situation actually happened to me several times (at least 2 or 3 that I can recall), and I got blamed each time for each trip. I’m amazed at my own stupidity that I stayed… God, I hate him. >:(

Today is day 29 of NC, and I’m having a really rough day. I woke up this morning feeling like the minute I opened my eyes, I had the weight of a volks wagon beetle on top of me. Not good. My emotions are all over the place today, angry, deeply sad, upset, scared I will never love again, or scared enough to vow I will never let anyone be that close to me ever ever again…. Not upset enough to contact him (thank goodness), but enough that I feel like I can’t breathe.

It is soooo frustrating to me that some days are ok, even fine, but then every once in a while I get days like this that trip me up in my recovery and healing, that make me feel like I’m stuck in hell and never going to be able to get out…. Ugh. I hope he’s utterly miserable, lousy stupid loser assclown FOOL.

Really, most of the ” excitement” of the EUM was related to the bad drama of his confusing, ambivalent behavior and shockingly dopey antics combined with my inexperience in dealing with this type of passive aggressive manipulative drama.

“Agreeing to go on holiday and then behaving like a complete dickhead in the lead up to it or on the holiday so that you end up arguing and wondering why the hell you bothered…”

This happened to me. I had been seeing the A/C for two months, and he asked me to come live with him. Problem is…. we had never spent an entire weekend together or even 24 hours. (That should have been a red flag!) So, I asked him to take an overnight trip with me. Well, he resisted, but went along with it, then proceeded to sabotage it, and then forever kept blaming me for that trip.

And, “Planning a romantic meal.” Yep, did that. Candlelight dinner. It was a surprise. He had gone fishing, and I planned it for when he got home. He thanked me, told me he loved it, then he got up and went to his computer.

“Like planning a romantic meal to show your ‘togetherness’ and him not turning up or turning up late….” (I actually DID this… ran around to the store like a crazy person, buying his favorite expensive foods with money I could barely afford, slaving over a hot stove, and burning myself on said stove… and yes, he showed up late! He also said a cursory, “Thanks, this is nice.” And not once has he ever cooked for me. What a loser.)

“Agreeing to go on holiday and then behaving like a complete dickhead in the lead up to it or on the holiday so that you end up arguing and wondering why the hell you bothered…” (Been there, done that too! I remember spending part of one trip sobbing on the phone in the bathroom to a girlfriend, “But why would he bring me all the way here just to be an ass to me?!?!”)

I swear, sometimes it’s like NML crawled inside my head and/or could see my experiences with my ex-EUM… She’s THAT on-target with her descriptions, examples, and pin-pointing of the EUM/ACs!

I have lost count of the number of times that things were going perfectly with us (no arguing, lots of love, affection, no broken promises from him, lots of time together, him taking initiative to make plans, him calling when supposed to, etc.), then he purposely did some stupid (read: UNNECCESSARY) assclownery-behavior to screw it all up! Probably to ‘manage down my expections’, shake those illusions that we were so “perfect together” right out of my head, and re-establish the ‘status quo’!

I still have trouble accepting how some people can be EU, or treat others this way, play head games, etc. I understand WHY they do it, for selfish purposes/ego-feeding, etc., of course, but I am still having trouble accepting it. Guess I’m still trying to cope with my loss, grief, anger, sadness, etc. I long for the day when I don’t hurt over this or him anymore.

I shake my head now, thinking about how frustrated, angry, and upset I used to get with him, how much effort I put into ‘fixing’ things, and making things right, building those sandcastles in the air, only for him to come along and like a bully, stomp and kick my carefully constructed castle over!

Sigh… It’s been 28 days today of NC for me. I still haven’t heard a peep from him either, no text, email, voicemail, nothing, after nearly 3 years together. Most days I’m doing ok, can function and get through my day, but there are still some bad ones intermittently, and I get through them as best I can. I’ve recently started volunteering in my area, and I’m really enjoying it. It’s nice to feel needed, to feel like you are doing something good, and to feel like I’m helping someone else who really needs it. Also, it gets me out of the house and off the couch, and helps me to not think so much, or (heaven forbid) feel weak enough to want to contact him. I’m also keeping up with my working out, reading and posting here often (this site is a god-send!), and just generally trying to be good to me.

Wishing strength, clarity, and wisdom to all my fellow EUM/AC recovering addicts today. With each other’s support, we can all make it through this and strengthen ourselves!

However, as I was reading the book an answer came to me. Its doing positive things that make me feel good…. and what makes you feel good differs for everyone. For me my self esteem increases when I save money – giving me the feeling of security and independance. I feel good when I excercise on a regular basis, I feel good when I eat healthy, I feel good when I focuse on my family, and enjoy time with my friends. Focuse on you… and ask yourself what is it that makes you feel strong.

I would like to hear of other definitions or ways that you increase your self esteem.

I wanted to let all of you know that I finally had a breakthrough. after many weeks of mulling over everything and obsessing about the EUM, I have finally let go. I realized after our last conversation that there was nothing special about this assclown, he wasn’t “deep” or in need of understanding. He’s an asshole. period. I laid out my boudaries, etc, and he told me that if the “old” Holly, the one who bought him gifts and came to visit when he had time, didn’t exist anymore, then there was nothing left. Then, magically, the blinders came off and I saw him for the toad he is. He is a user, and always will be. I’m just sorry it took me 4 yrs to see that. It was amazing how quickly he was ready to stop talking when I put my foot down and told him I would no longer continue this charade. Thanks NML, you helped loads. I needed some thing to light a fire under me.

Lori – As always, thanks for your support!

Last night I went out on a date with a guy whom is interested in me,but I started to get tipsy on a couple glasses of champagne and all I could speak about was my jewish ex who I’ve broken up with a couple of weeks ago….my date/friend suggested I do NLP, to try and find out from my childhood why this belief system was instilled in my subconcious and try redicate it from my mind and start living healthily and gain more self awareness and love myself and get my self-esteem back.

I read about the EUM…but the more I read about them, I see how much similar if not identical to their behaviourisms! I AM an EUM just in a female form! Yes I realise that I too am an assclown…its all about my ego stroking. God I really want to know what was the catalyst in my childhood that got me to this point….next year I’m turnin 29 and I don’t wanna keep going round and round in circles with bad habits and the next thing, I wake up at 49 and realise that I’m still alone!

NO MORE!! From this very moment I’m gonna do my damndest to be aware of my actions and reactions….so I TOO can have a healthy relationship with myself and then work from there to improve my future relationship!

You women on this site are Godsend and an inspiration to me in more ways than one….the crazy thing, I don’t need to do NC cos the jewish ex doesn’t want to be in contact with me anyway…but I did erase his contact number, so I don’t text him in my moment of weakness aka drunkenstate and self-pity!

So I would welcome any advice on how to do the self-awareness thing to better my self-esteem and believe in myself. Basically where to from here for me?

Love and Light
Naj
X

You’re doing great so far, just keep the faith in yourself that you can do it again today. Hugs!