What struck me in what you wrote:
1. You had just cleaned up all loose ends in your life–and knew that you had done so–just before meeting this “man”;
2. You knew you did the right thing by calling him on his behavior (though I personally would have said nothing, watched his words and actions on all dates, and subsequently left him without an explanation–by rule, I feel that adult men and “men” like this do not need personal teachers/psychotherapists/mothers/sisters/etc. as dates/girlfriends/romantic interests), however, in any event, you recognized his bad behavior and lack of respect and acted on it: good for you!;
3. You found yourself emotionally vulnerable, and still find yourself emotionally vulnerable.

#3 is due to:
A. The fact that you were in some sort of transitional state. We know as a fact that you had just dealt with cleaning up loose ends, so to speak, before you met him. You also were re-entering the dating scene. You may have been subject to or party to other transitional events. In any event, you were psychologically in a transitional part of your life. THIS CAUSES FEELINGS OF VULNERABILITY IN ALL WOMEN, in ALL people. It’s like starting a new school year: the fear, the apprehension–it’s all there!
B. Not many “datable” men are out there, the older you get, so fewer opportunities exist. BUT: not many “datable” (or even interesting) men exist from the time we hit 18 forward. Also, though so many men (and “men”/man-boys, like yours) have a plethora of good women to choose from, they often wind up with bitchy women, lazy women, gossipy women, etc. So don’t feel bad! They have always either been bad, or had bad judgment.

BTW, those women who are bad sometimes do “luck out” (despite their bad reputations, etc.) by virtue of being smart in one area: their friendships. Either they or their parents/friends hand with good people, honestly good, decent, kind, loving people who introduce them to good guys.

I was “guilty” of having been in a vulnerable, transitional state when I met the EUM, and of having had bad friends, all through life. Bad company (whether it’s guys you date, or your friends, etc.) makes life WAYYYY more difficult than it needs to be.

Once, I told my former best friend that the EUM resembled someone I knew professionally, someone whose office is very close to mine. Several months later, another mutual friend’s husband brought up this man’s name; I said I knew this man through my work, and “how small a world is that”. Now, the EUM and all of these mutual friends of ours live and work VERY far away from this man. Guess what? I just found out that the EUM sought out (and used) this man’s services recently! How weird is that?

Bottom line:
1. Be wary of the company you keep;
2. Women’s jealousy of each other, competitiveness, or otherwise petty behavior (e.g., gossip!) is what these “men” thrive on: they exploit it for their own ends. [This makes me VERY sad, because we as women can not have real friends. Hence the necessity of this site, and others like it.];
3. The internet is a dangerous tool, as well, for these “men”. It creates a field-day situation for them. A field “day” that lasts for all of the days of their lives, if they don’t actively CHOOSE to change–and they usually don’t!

Be proud of what youhave accomplished and that you used your judgment correctly. Sadly, hasving used mine correctly has caused me to have lost invitations to more than a few mutual friends’ parties…all because of a jerk who I (like you) dated only a handful of times! It’s hits hard in the holiday season!

But, all in all, people (good or bad) know what the truth is, and that I acted well, and with class.

(BTW, the EU “man” never changed, even with marriage. He checks out women–including me–continuously, behind his wife’s back, all the time. Despite his family/daughter, wife, and mother-in-law’s presence! These people are NOT normal!)

Damn shame is what it is. Shame on them!

I am 53 now and I am still beautiful most people guess my age at 40-45), I have a good figure and I’m very intelligent and successful. I’ve got two gorgeous children and I’m a good parent. I have a group of close friends with whom I have excellent relationships and with whom I can set boundaries, and who treat me with care, kindness and respect. I have been working on improving my relationships with men for a long time having worked out that I attract EUMs about 3 years ago. I had set good boundaries and finished relationships which were clearly not going anywhere and then earlier this year I decided to take a break from dating and felt fantastic – everything was going very well and then a guy got in touch off a dating site which I’d forgotten to delete myself off and he seemed so much like what I’d been looking for I decided to date him. The first couple of dates went really well and then he pulled back and I challenged him on it and he apologised and then we had a couple more good dates and then he again pulled back a bit and I was really disappointed because we had been getting on so well and shared so many common interests. At that point I was really clear that he was EUM and told him so and that I didn’t want to pursue things any more, but – and I can’t quite pinpoint how he did this – I got sucked back in and my mind quite literally ‘flipped a switch’ and I found myself in an obsessional state about him that I don’t remember feeling since at least 10 years ago. I was aware of it, but couldn’t shake it and found myself emotionally really vulnerable. I saw him once more to collect a piece of furniture he’d given me and being with him was so powerful it really shook me up. Luckily I never even got beyond a kiss with him (I am wiser about that stuff now) and actually he is actively working on his issues and was very honest about his EU once I called him on it. That isn’t the problem – the problem for me is that it’s totally shaken my confidence because I wonder why I still attracted him. Though on the other hand I should be pleased because I was very clear about what he was doing and actually only had around 6 meetings with him before going to NC which I’ve kept up. But still – reading this site makes me feel even less confident because I just wonder if I will ever lose whatever it is that makes me vulnerable. At the moment I think I am never going to experience a fulfilling relationship in my life and I think I have to resign myself to giving up on that hope and just concentrating on all the great things that are going on. It makes me sad because I’ve always imagined myself with a really nice man but over-50s men seem even less interested in commitment than younger men and the ones who are single are either messed up or grieving widowers.

I wish I’d learned this stuff years ago

The connection may be similar to “just like daddy”, but I think it might be a bit more personal.

I think we learn to live in a family from our growing up years. We learn the behavior of our parents – how Dad and Mom interact, their apparent expectations and habits, the way they communicate and cooperate. And then we take that life’s experience and pick someone that acts and reacts as the adults did in our childhood.

There will be those lucky few that grew up in a mostly functional home, and choose a companion that is mostly functional – and those people have a reasonable shot at making a mostly functional life for themselves, their family, and to be a resource for their community.

Others of us take a lifetime to realize that our habits and fundamental beliefs are skewed from what successful and happy people do and live. Our challenge is to create for ourselves better actions, reactions, expectations of what we are, what we are to do, and who we should pick as a partner.

Whether what influences us is the family interactions of our childhood, or our image of our mother or father, we still face the problem of identifying aspects of our assumptions about being part of a couple or family that we have to learn or invent new values for.
.-= Brad K.´s last blog ..br: The practice doll =-.

i can speak for myself in this matter because i know that my strained- pretty much non-existent relationship wtih my dad has really affected how i feel about men and also the kind of men i seem to attract..my dad has never been the kind of father figure that ive always wanted and needed in my life and i feel like that somehow doesnt bring me to the same level that i see strong, smart, self-assured woman who would consider themselves “daddy’s girls” -i dont wanna lay the blame and take away any responsibility i have for my actions and choices that ive made since im an adult and i make my own decisions but sometimes i wonder if things (my life) would be different if that father-daughter relationship were different..

It seems kind of harsh, and a but of a “guy” thing, to jump in and “fix” her problem. I imagine she mostly wanted to hear “Yeah, getting over stuff like that is a bitch. I was going to make cookies this afternoon – you busy?”

Actually, I am guessing. I don’t know that much about girl talk. But if she is calling you, and not him, then she is likely feeling vulnerable, and would benefit as much from a distraction as anything else.

. . . I have my Mom’s raisin oatmeal cookie recipe if you need it. Or read it off the back of the Quaker Oats box.

One more thing, don’t beat yourself up because you stay for longer. Think of it this way, you were genuine with your love towards him and you truly tried to work things out because you loved him, had feelings for him, cared for him and you acted like a beautiful human being, someone who has a lot to offer and someone who is beautiful inside.

SOmeone with whom any decent well together guy would like to stay with!! Your job is done, you TRIED for that amount of time and now you know he won’t change and doesn’t care about you as much as you did about him. Yes its possible that you missed the red flags, because you believed in him, as he came and showed you in the beginning, pretending to be genuine but HE WASN’T. That is called playing MIND GAMES, to get what he wants and then run away to the next victim. See how SELFISH he was?
Feel good that you did your best because you believed in the relationship but He lied to you about his real intentions. This is why he doesn’t deserve you and relationship karma will bite him in his ass sooner than later. Feel happy and good about yourself because you didn’t do anything wrong, you believed you tried you loved, it didn’t work out, don’t force it, it is not meant to be, you deserve so much better than that!

omg I so much can relate to your post. But look at it this way, in the end this is good for you and here is why: He has shown you that he doesn’t deserve you by moving on to the next girl who could very well reflect himself (a total mess) . I know you don’t see it that way now because you are hurting and is normal but He truly has done you a favor because in your future you’ll look back and laugh at him for being so inmature and a jackass.
Don’t beat yourself up anymore!! Because no matter how “happy” and aloof to your feelings he might seem, trust me he DOES KNOW it and in time he will recognize this, they all do!! Would he ever admit that he made a big mistake? Maybe not because AC egos are too huge to put themselves in that position. But believe me He WILL IN TIME IN TIME HURT just as much or worse than you, is just relationship karma.
But right now try to focus on yourself, and like NML says take the focus off him and put it back to you, your happiness, your intelligence, your beauty, yourself. You are perfect just the way you are, nothing you had possibly done would make him “stay” probably only if you had become more of a dormat, and even then he may have not even stayed. He is unstable overall you cannot trust his word at all! He’s is at the early stage of having a new victim thats why he is behaving that way, just wait longer and you’ll see what happens. Nobody can change so sudden. I bet he is a very unhappy human being and his conscience will hurt much more when he find himself alone again.
Want to know the best revenge? Focus on yourself and yourself only, do things you like try to bring happiness back in spite the pain you are going through. Personally taking vacations going away and having a blast has been my best medication to pain so far.
And if he ever tries to contact you again, Ignore him at all cost don’t give him the time of the day he doesn’t deserve you period!!.
Hugs! xoxo Best to you! keep reading these post they definitely will help you through this.

You should read, Facing Love Addiction, by Pia Mellody also. It is fantastic.

Punishing him would be fantastic, but he’ll never get it anyway. Try to get him out of your life and move on with your self-improvement agenda. Stay strong!

It’s just plain crazymaking, and this is exactly what NML is trying to teach us. If we know what we (EUW) want in a man, in our lives, in our careers and how to make ourselves happy then when we meet a Assclown we’ll know in short time what he’s all about and we’ll chose to walk away. We won’t keep trying to morph ourselves into what he wants us to be, or try harder, or anything else. We’ll be fine with who we are and tell him to use the EXIT door. And when he starts blowing hot, hot, hot after we tell him to leave, we won’t fall for his game playing drama and we’ll reject him.

We’ll love ourselves enough to keep ourselves busy doing things and being with people who we enjoy and who build us up not tear us down. We’ll just keep on going until we happen to meet another guy who doesn’t act like an AC and who really is interested in building a relationship, forming a bond, and is willing to work at the obstacles which come forth between you. As NML says these men do exist but we won’t find them until we get ourselves in proper working order.

You seem very smart, and articulate and deserve a relationship which builds on those fine qualities.