In part one, I explained why we need to connect with what we truly want and learn to articulate it and stop putting off being happy. Happiness seems to be something we think will come along in the distant future and in the meantime you’ve got to live a life in pain. In fact, more often than not, happiness is something that we seem to be reliant on external factors to provide, and yet we fail to recognise that misery lives company, so if we are not remotely happy within ourselves, we will struggle to find happiness elsewhere. Why?
We may not believe we deserve to be happy and so we will distrust when the good times do come and can end up inadvertently sabotaging it.
If we carry around self-hate, we end surrounding ourselves with people that reflect the negativity and feed back into the mentality, reinforcing the self-fulfilling prophecy.
There is also the harsh reality that when we go looking for love and happiness whilst carrying our own negativity, we end up looking for love in all the wrong places.
People who don’t like and love themselves have behaviour and ‘vibes’ that mirror these things and people like assclowns and Mr Unavailable’s are drawn to you because they are more likely to get away with their poor behaviour with you because of your insecurity.
I had to do a total 360 a few years back. I had believed I was happy, was having an extended case of bad luck with men, and that in essence, much of it was out of my hands. But when I started to get real with myself, I realised that I was coasting on pretending.
I was in relationships that were largely built up on illusions, there was more drama than you could shake a stick at, and I habitually pretended to be happier than I felt.
I didn’t wake up each day and think ‘I will pretend I am happy today’, however, I had got so used to not expressing how I truly felt and burying my unhappiness, plus I had become an expert at accepting poor relationship behaviour that devalued me, that the pretending had become my pseudo reality.
I’m not saying there weren’t good times, but I walked around with a grey cloud and secret unhappiness and dislike for a long time. I cried when other people didn’t know about it and I brushed off pain and compartmentalised it for a later date, when I believed that it may not hurt so much to look at.
The trouble is that when you don’t like or love yourself, and spend a lot of your life pretending, caught up in denial, and living relationships that are built up on little or no foundations because you prefer illusions, you will become very distanced from the reality of you.
If you imagine the layers of pretence, hurt, pain, and experience, it’s all just been piled on, and there’s little old you trapped inside.
You become disconnected from you and in turn, you don’t know who you are, you don’t know what makes you happy, and often when I talk to women, in spending their lives chasing and pandering to assclowns and Mr Unavailable’s and the negative messaging about themselves, they no longer know what their aspirations, goals, desires, or interests are.
Often we sack off friends, family, passions, and interests because we’re too busy firefighting our relationships.
The guy becomes our goal, aspiration, passion, interest, and in essence our life.
We believe that if we can just get them to see how great we are, how much we love them, and how right the relationship could be if they just did X,Y, Z and accepted and validated us, then shazam, we’d be happy.
If the guy is your focal point and you allow him to unvalidate you, rely on him to eventually validate you, and the sun basically rises and sets on him, he not only has too much power, but your happiness is heavily reliant on him which means that when he’s not around, he takes your hope of happiness with him.
The guy who is the source of your misery can also end up appearing to be the source of your happiness and so you’ll go back for more…and end up with more misery with some fleeting highs.
One day, and I hope it will be very soon rather than later, you will realise that whilst there is nothing wrong with wanting to be happy with a partner in a relationship, you will not get this until you address your own personal happiness. If you can’t recognise a good thing in you, how do you expect someone else to recognise it, and how will you recognise good love and embrace it?
You’ve got to be in it to win it.
No-one’s asking you to skip around like a happy clapper or become a narcissist, but if you’re finding it so hard to find a way to start liking you, you need to connect the dots and recognise that it is no wonder that you are not happy.
Take what you don’t want and instead of focusing on that and doing nothing with the information, process it, and translate that into what you do want.
The reader, Loving Annie, that inspired the beginning of part one said “I don’t want to hurt anymore” and she realised that continuing to pursue the guy and certain behaviours would only serve to hurt her. If she didn’t want to hurt, she had to opt out even though it was painful at first.
Funny enough, we fear the pain of taking action but we don’t realise that the initial pain of doing right by yourself is far less than what it would be to indulge in the relationship insanity – doing the same thing again and again and expecting different results.
I said I wanted to be happy but it was just words, and not only do actions speak louder than words, but talk can be cheap. How are you going to make yourself happy?
Don’t just say “I want to be happy” – Say “I want to be happy by being and doing [insert your stuff here]“
This makes it real and tangible.
I decided that I didn’t want to pretend anymore. That I would acknowledge how I felt whether that was about myself, another person, or something because my feelings were valid and the pretence was literally eating me up.
I recognised that if I wasn’t going to pretend anymore, I had to open up my eyes to the stuff that I was allowing to go unaddressed in my relationships whether it was with men, family, friends, or co-workers.
When I started to give voice to my true self and forced myself to stop pretending, I empowered myself because when I started to speak up, I was like “HELL YEAH! I am p*ssed off with you and I’m not going to make excuses for it, and I’m not going to internalise your crap and make it my own”
It was freeing. I knew I could be happy because I could make me happy instead of spending my time making myself miserable with external sources.
If you learn how to be happy with yourself, you will recognise the massive contrast of being around someone who is a source of negativity and will only serve to detract from you because they don’t love, trust, care about, or respect you.
If you experience something that makes you happy, do more of it.
And here’s a big thought:
If he’s not actually making you happy and the relationship is making you miserable now, and has been on a consistent basis, he and the relationship are not what’s going to make you happy.
You can’t ignore your present state and the past, plus ignore the consistencies by focusing on a future that may never materialise.
You need to get happy now and start focusing on how to be happy on a consistent basis. Here are just a few suggestions with more to follow in part three:
Stop worrying about what the hell he (or anyone else for that matter) wants and start considering your own needs. Just like when we project what we think, feel, and want onto partners, you must recognise yourself as an entity and acknowledge your needs. His needs are not your needs, and his needs are not the be all and end all.
Set boundaries. Boundaries are the backbone of a happier you and better relationships. Grow a backbone, set some boundaries and enforce them and you will discover that having boundaries and conditions makes for a happier you, because you teach people how to treat you and respect you, which in turn yields happier times. Those that don’t want to play by the rules, tell them to beat it. People with low self-esteem who have poor relationships have little or no boundaries. Get some!
Say no. Partly tied to boundaries but it’s also a reminder to you to stop being a yes person and fearing what people will say or do if you don’t say yes all the time. No is not a dirty word and the fact of the matter is that saying yes all the time doesn’t get you anywhere but taken advantage of. Often people in poor relationships who are looking for love in all the wrong places keep giving because they not only don’t feel worthy or deserving, but they also hope that the love and giving will be reciprocated and they’ll be validated.
Find something that interests you other than getting hooked up with a man and fixing and maintaining a relationship. There has to be more to you than pursuing men – it’s bloody exhausting and you need a balance of interests that continue with or without a man and give you a life.
Reconnect with family and friends. Chasing bad love can isolate you, often because you end up isolating yourself because no-one understands what you’re doing or you’re too embarrassed to admit that you’re back with the guy. Isolation will only make you cling harder to a bad relationship so put your pride aside and let people who actually do love and care about you back into your life.
Write down your interests and goals. If you don’t have any goals other than a relationship, you’d better make some fast. Do a list of short term (under 6 months) medium term (6-18 months) and long term so that you can get a sense of what you want. Yes include a relationship but put other stuff on there too. It gives you focus.
Forgive yourself. It’s damn easy to feel unhappy and under a cloud when you’re kicking yourself constantly and having an internal conversation where you blame yourself and obsess over the relationship, the guy, your exes and anything else you feel like blaming yourself for. The reason why you haven’t forgiven yourself is because you are obsessing, which is about blame, which is about sticking with the illusion and the denial, which is about refusal to accept the situation.
You’re in pain because you keep fighting it and if you can accept what has happened, you can actually do something about it, which will make you pro-active but will also give you the opportunity to find peace with what has happened so that you can move on. If you don’t accept what has happened you cannot learn and grow from the experience and your mistakes because you’re still disconnected from the reality.
The trouble with illusions is that we can cling to them but it doesn’t change the fact that it’s not real and on some level you know this, which only adds to your unhappiness.
Let go. You will get a lot closer to what you want if you stop holding on to what will only serve to be an obstacle to your happiness because it can’t actually make you happy.
Your thoughts? Back with more suggestions in part 3.
Get ahead on understanding waste of space men and relationships with my ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download. If you need personal advice or analysis of your relationship/situation, check out my consultation service.
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Oh whoops, I mean lisa!
also I will say sadthing, you have got to give ‘yourself’ the respect and love..don’t wait for him, it will never ever ever come, I feel the pain you are in. Believe me when I say it is so so much sunnier after him. Please throw him away like the garbage he is!! please, I beg you!!!
@sadthing
I tried to leave you a message, but it said my comment was being moderated, and I think it may be because it had website links in it, so here it is without the links:
You said “we are equals and give each other nothing (apart from the fact that we still have sex and have done so for years)” – sorry, but I don’t consider that you are giving him nothing – you are giving him your precious body and your energy.
As far as getting to “the end of my tether”, when I asked my AC for the umpteenth time what I meant to him and what he valued about me as a person, he just shrugged and said “I’m sorry, I don’t know what you’re looking for”. He can go on and on about my physical traits that he likes, but nothing about me as a person. I got sick of having no answer to that question. I have always felt like a “supplement” to his life, not a cherished, valued partner. I also feel guilty about potentially hurting his family,
I found this song by Sara Bareilles Too Good for You so Sorry, on youtube, and when I looked up the lyrics online, they express how I feel about him now. I think you mentioned your AC is also a MM, and I found the posting and comments on this blog about “Breaking up and getting over a married man/attached man” to be extremely helpful.
I have only just finished day 2 of NC (so far so good), so I’m pretty new at this myself, but I do feel that I have had enough of this roller coaster nonsense and I am ready to get my life back after more than a year of getting the scraps of his time and attention. I hope you are able to get to this point too sadthing. The women on this site have been fantastic also, even though I am new here. Best of luck to you
I believe that part of the problem lies in the fact that we stop listening to our heart/intuition, which always knows the truth. We act against our “gut feelings”, and allow our conscious mind to fill our head with a story, or we ignore our feelings because we have been taught that acting on certain feelings is wrong, or not polite. If we learn to listen to our bodies, which store our emotions, and act on them (not impulses), we will be so much more content, and happy, because when we act against them, we are not congruent with ourselves, and we make ourselves uncomfortable.
searchingwithin’s last blog post..I Am Not Tempted By Anything But Temptation
I totally agree searchingwithin, you nailed it!!
But then the original message gets skewared in our minds with mixed signals and the original message still trying so hard to get through, no wonder we go crazy!. I think if it doesn’t make you happy…run!!!
xx
Have decided to give myself one of these great names so from now on De is ‘delightedtobefree’
@delightedtobefree
I love your new name, and love that it still starts with “de”.
You said “if it doesn’t make you happy…. run ” I totally agree. Along the lines of searchingwithin’s comment, I have been ignoring my gut feelings, and stayed in a toxic relationship for far too long. When I broke up with my AC, I immediately felt physically lighter, which was probably my body letting go of some negative stored emotion, or as you said earlier De, letting go of “his crap”.
I am now on day 4 of NC, which would normally be when I would be getting anxious about not hearing from him, and frantically looking for emails, or looking for him online to chat. Then, if I got an email, I would immediately feel calm, as if I got a “hit” of some addicting drug (his love was like poison”). Last night, I did have a strong urge to contact him online, but I distracted myself with listening to music, as many of you have said that breaking NC is never a positive thing. Today, I am so glad I resisted, and I feel calm all on my own without getting a “hit” of the AC drug.
Per NML’s suggestion in the post above, “I want to be happy by …getting rid of this toxic relationship once and for all, and getting in touch with my own interests”. I have gotten in touch with some friends I had neglected while I was obsessing over my AC, and they were so glad to hear from me, and so fun for me to reconnect.
delightedtobefree, I am going to take your cue and change my name a little bit to “not meant to be”. Hope you don’t mind. The spaces between the words represent the boundaries I am putting into place between myself and my AC, and any other EUP that may come my way and threaten my happiness!!
Let’s start listening to our intuition and get closer to being truly happy…
This was a good post… it’s not something you haven’t said before but I enjoyed the repackaging of the message.
I am the point, after this last epiphany relationship, where I am now aware that I am not happy. I am not sure how this came to be, because when I met my ex I felt on top of the world. It’s what, I thought, attracted him to me. And now here he is gone and I am a basket case.
The parts that I am having a hard time with are setting boundaries and not blaming myself.
I thought I was setting boundaries. I have read your posts on women who talk too much… but I felt I was being proactive and calmly stating my needs. So how do you set boundaries without being aggressive and demanding? When my ex would do something that bothered me I would state it, or simply remove myself from the situation so as not to argue, but realized I have been going from aggressive to passive aggressive. So if, for example, this person cancels on meeting your friends for the 3rd time in a row… what do you say? I said it was unacceptable… should I have actually just left?
My ex tells me I lecture and argue all the time and that this was not a life he wanted. I am having a hard time (the blame part) letting go of that because I can see myself this way… but also feel he is managing to turn things around to take the blame off of him. I question some days that because I am not happy, that I was not happy with him because of me, not because there was anything wrong with him. I can see a lot of good in him, and yet your comments on negativity also make me wonder if it was he who brought me down. I was really in a good place when I met him, busy, confident, happy with my life. So is it possible that it was his attitude that brought me down and that I am actually growing by being able to recognize that and to have spoken up?
I know this for sure, I need to figure out where I end and the next person begins so I can say with certainty what was me. The blame part, I think, stems from this inability to have your boundaries and know what of your behaviour you are ok with, and know is you, and what part you can start to see as being a negative reaction to someone else’s poor behaviour.
I figure with my ex… there are a number of people who express a dislike of him, who have seen his nasty temper, his exes similarly have stated they just knew they didnt’ feel that happy with him… so it gives me some confidence to say this was not all me!
My fear is that no relationship is going to make me happy… that it isn’t about finding myself with these poor men, but that I am finding good men and mucking it up.
Thanks to everyone on there for their posts. IT’s so funny to see some of the same behaviour and it makes me feel less crazy.
Hi everyone. I’m not sure if anyone is still commenting on this post but I really need some advice. For the past 2 months I have been dating a man who after 3 days of being with me told me he was falling in love with me. I admit it did concern me a bit but I brushed it off as just infatuation on his part so soon in the relationship. His wife had died from cancer 4 years ago and he spent the last 3 1/2 years alone. Prior to meeting me he claimed that he dated only 3 people and that none of these 3 women were able to deal with that fact that he lost if wife. He claims they told him that he could never love anyone the way he loved is wife and they didn’t want to be “second” in his hear or be compared to her. He did tell me at first that he was divorced but then came clean about a week later about it… by the way. He has issues with his family, claiming that they don’t want him around and they treat him terribly. Anyway, after about a month or so, he kept saying that he loved me more than anyone he ever met in his life (even more than his wife) and he wanted to spend the rest of this life with me. I said that I cared for him deeply and that enjoyed spending time with him and getting to know him but I asked if we could slow things down just a bit. He stated that he didn’t have time for a casual relationship and if that was what I wanted, then I needed to find someone else. Also, he’s stated on several occasions that he needs to be his girlfriend’s “best friend” and that she should come to him first regarding anything to do with her life. I said that a “best friends” type of friendship develops over time and that it doesn’t just happen because one person says they love you and want to marry you. I explained that if he cared so much for me, then he should be willing to be patient and let this grow and develop. Now he’s making comments that sound like he wants to control what I do. He ridicules me because I don’t seem to do anything but work and come home but I explained to him that I spend every evening and weekend with him so there isn’t any time for me to do anything else. Now for the past 2 days he keeps telling me that I don’t want to be with him anymore and that I should find someone else that treats me better. Is this a classic case of an EUM or someone with other emotional problems.
Also, he has told me that if he asks me 20 times a day do I love him, then I should tell him 20 times a day just to reassure him. I’m sorry, but that doesn’t sound normal.
Please give me some advice as to what to do… I’m really having a hard time with this….
Kim… Trust your gut. I think you know this is not normal behaviour. You came on here and asked for advice because you know it seems odd. Bottom line you are absolutely right, someone who truly cares for you and thinks you are the love of their life would be patient with you and appreciate the way you live your life. They do not ridicule you, and would be willing to see the relationship grow. If you are the love of your life, but don’t want to go at his pace, would it make sense that he would leave you or threaten to leave you so that he could go find someone else?
It is a red flag to me when people seem to fall in love with you instantly. It’s sad because so many of us are caught up in this fantasy, but normal people who are looking for long term commitment recognize that this takes time to grow. sure we all get giddy at the get go… but we don’t confess our love for someone in a week.
IT’s up to you how you deal with this, but I hope you know that you are not alone in thinking this behaviour sounds a bit odd. Take the space you need and if this man truly loves you, he will stand by your decisions.
Thank you. He’s always saying that I’m going to dump him or that I’ve already found a new boyfriend or whatever. I can’t even get him to listen to what I say or hear what I’m saying. He keeps saying that if he hadn’t told me he loved me and wanted to marry me so quickly that we wouldn’t be having these problems and I would want to be with him?!?!?. I tell him that I want to work on building a relationship and that there is no problem with us taking our time. He continues to say that I don’t feel the same way about him or that I don’t appreciate him. I really don’t know what to do…. everyone suggests I should just leave him alone and let him figure out what to do, but then the text messages come that say “Well, I guess you’ve already found someone else’” and ” I’ guess you don’t want me.” He’s trying to turn this around me, but honestly wanting to move slowly isn’t a bad thing. I’m damned if I do contact him because he doesn’t believe me and I’m damned if I don’t because then he thinks i have moved on. Can this be his way of just trying to end a relationship without having to say it? I realize that I can end this, but it sure seems like a lot of work to keep playing games with someone rather then just be upfront. He has admitted he’s insecure and everyone has taken advantage of him in the past and he has trust issues. I just don’t get it… is he beyond anything that I can do for him?
Kim,
I agree with DazedandConfused that his behaviour is odd. I am not a psychologist, but I have worked in health care, and it sounds to me like he needs counselling to work on his own self esteem issues. Are you prepared to act as his therapist? It sounds like a relationship with him would be “all about him” and so where does that leave your needs or chance for personal happiness?
Best of luck with your decision.
I have a question,often NML says that we have bad believes about ourselves,love and relationships.I can identify my believes about myself like Im not atractive enough,no guy will want to be with me,I will always be rejected and so on but I cant do the same about love and relationship.Anybody can give me a example of a bad believe about love and relationship that we might have for me to fully understand it?
Kim the phrase ‘he’s a bit like an Emotional Vampire’ is one that I used to describe my EUM early on in our relationship – unfortunately I didn’t really understand how accurate that was until 4 years later,I’m now struggling to let go of my involvement with him.
The others are right, your gut is telling you that his behaviour is not normal and to me it indicates a big black hole of need that you could spend the rest of your life trying to fill and will never succeed, and it will drain the life out of you in the process.
I would trust your gut and withdraw – before you get sucked in too deep. I’m sure many of us here felt the tug of a ‘broken’ man and felt that we could be the ones to break through their pain, but the fact that we’re reading this indicates that it didn’t work. Good luck.
Hi Anusha
Some of the negative beliefs that you have about yourself fall into negative beliefs about love and relationships as well because they are not indepedant of each other. The way you feel about yourself is a direct reflection of the types of relationships and the kind of love that you encounter. Having the negative belief that you are not attractive enough will for example, draw to you situations where you may find yourself being overly jealous for example. Your partner may be speaking to an attractive woman lets say about work, but because you have a belief that you are not attractive enough, you will automatically perceive this woman as a threat to you and your relationship. Depending on how real and deep that belief is to you, it may cause problems in your relationship where perhaps you don’t want your partner even looking or talking to other women period out of fear that he may find them more attractive than you.
An example of negative beliefs about relationships would be:
Men only want me for Sex.
I will always be cheated on
Men cannot be trusted
Relationships are tooo hard
If i am in relationship, I have to give up all of my other interests
A negative belief about love could be:
I have to work real hard in order to be loved
If I want someone to love me, I have to sacrfice myself for them
Love has to hurt, otherwise its not really love
Love means that it’s ok for the person that I am with to disrespect me sometimes
If someone really loves me, they will want to be with me 24/7
There could be many and in many different combinations. Always remember that whatever negative beliefs you have about yourself will only be magnified more in relationships. That is why it is important to be aware of what our negative beliefs are about ourselves, love or relationships and work on turning them into more positive one’s.
Hey everybody,
I’m kinda hatin it right now. So…I was on 2 weeks NC – which I still consider myself on, cuz I didn’t actually talk to him, but I kiiiiinda broke it.
I was out Sat night, and drinking with some old friends from out of town, and I called him at around 11 – but quickly got scared – and hung up after about half-a-ring, but my name is probably on his caller id. I was drunk. It was dumb. Damn.
It didn’t really mean that much to me, cuz it could have been a mis-dial, but now I kinda feel like a tard cuz it could seem like I’m playing games. When really, I was drunk and emotional and felt like I wanted to talk to him (I haven’t called him back since I found out he’s sleeping with a friend) – but then realized it wasn’t the right time or place, and that I wasn’t ready.
And, of course, he didn’t call me back. I’m relieved on the one hand cuz I don’t want to/am not ready to talk to him. But I feel rejected too. The usual I guess
He probably knew we were out drinking – I was with his sister, and his new girl was invited but hmmm, she didn’t show her face.
It’s just so hard to deal with the conflicting desires of wanting him so much and wanting contact – on a very emotional level – and yet knowing that I need to, that I have to move on.
I feel that because we’re connected through friendships and family (small town) that eventually I have to reach out and make peace with him. I feel the burden on me to forgive so that everyone can move on and be happy. Or maybe it’s just an excuse to keep believing in a possibility of an “us” in the future. Or maybe I do not to forgive, so that I can move on and be happy. God this is tough! I’m soooo conflicted. Thanks for listening/reading. I needed to vent. Any advice?
Planet Jane
Wow, I’m sorry you feel you kinda blew it after you were doing so well with 2 weeks NC. BUT, I think there is a big positive here in that even though you say you were drunk, you got “scared” after you dialled his number and hung up! Good for you!!! You were listening to your gut even tho you were “under the influence”.
I don’t think you need to worry your EUM will think you were playing games – my EUM would almost certainly assume a misdial, but then I suppose when we are on NC we are supposed to try NOT to care what they think, right? I almost feel tempted to unblock my EUM on messenger, so he can see I am online and ignoring, but I think THAT would be childish of me and truly playing games!
And I just wanted you to know that I can fully relate to the complications of having other ties with your EUM. My EUM is my brother’s supervisor, and I would HATE for there to be any negative implications for my brother, who has no idea whatsoever about our relationship. I have thought of trying to smooth things over with my EUN for that very reason, but I think it would not be productive for my own happiness to do that. Why do we get ourselves involved in such complicated webs of drama? Not sure if that helped, but know I’m right there with you in these complex situations. Stay strong planet Jane, and get right back on the NC train!!! Like I think you told me before, we can do this!!!
Thank you notmeanttobe for the feedback. It definitely helped me to gain a more calm, outside perspective!
I realize that all I’ve managed to do, by semi-contacting him, is to engage myself in the drama again. It’s all me! Joy
Ughhhhh.
Hmmmm. Yeah, I’d say better to leave him blocked. Less to think about.
“I have thought of trying to smooth things over with my EUM for that very reason, but I think it would not be productive for my own happiness to do that.”
Notmeanttobe,
You are right…bottom line. Ultimately we don’t OWE them anything. We don’t owe them peace of mind, and everyone playing nice. NC is not a way to get even, or an aggressive, angry move. It is a means of moving on. I have to remind myself.
Just checked my cell owner’s manual, and the call to my eum didn’t connect! Meaning I’m not on his caller id. Yay! I got lucky.
PlanetJane,
Yes, yay, you are lucky – still on “real” NC as far as he’s concerned, and you can forgive urself for the slip – just be prepared next time when you go clubbing!
Meanwhile, my EUM just emailed a really nice email, but about HE feels about this break-up. I told him ;no contact” but he apologized for taking so long to email!!!!
Have I broken NC as I read the email?
Not meant to be and Planet Jane, I’ve been there, most of us have…. try not to call when you’ve been drinking!
Sit on your hands, call a friend, write a book…. anything but calling! (easier said than done… I called the guy several times after drinking. That was actually when I usually broke the no contact, so I stopped drinking for quite awhile, and it helped)
Yes, you broke no contact by reading the e-mail, but so what. Don’t beat yourself up or anything like that, just try not to respond unless you think that by you responding, he’ll be nice or different or will have changed. I just don’t want either of you two to stay in the cycle of hoping for more from them, but still getting crumbs.
I do believe that some healthy guys, if they really soul search, can change, but AC’s and EUM’s aren’t normal, and I don’t think they ever really change. Only you know which type of man you’re dealing with.
Just my two cents. You both are really on the right path and it is awesome that you are going through it at the same time so you can encourage each other.
Even if you go back or struggle with no contact, coming back to this web-site will help you continue to think clearly with great advice from lots of people who have been through it!
oops, I meant …but about how HE feels…
and thanking me for sharing a part of my life (even though he said he didn’t see a committed future for us – suggested maybe in the next life we can find each other earlier)…and saying how wonderful I am….and how he wants to be lifelong friends…..and that his arms miss me….
HELP!
lisa
Thanks for your answer! I am going to sit on my hands now….I am NOT responding!!!
Mmm, I don’t think you’ve broken NC just by reading, but I AM another FBG
As long as you don’t let what he wrote cause you to entertain thoughts that he may still love, want or be interested in you.
Nice he tried to communicate.
Oh nevermind…not very nice! Sounds like he’s trying to suck you back in. Delete that email. Don’t respond. Cry, take a bath, go for a walk, say goodbye.
So sorry.
@lisa,
One more thing,
I asked you a question back under July 11, 5:21pm that I would like you to answer, if you don’t mind:
You said:
“(he)..has a lovely (or not so lovely) wife at home who he goes home to, eats dinner with, watches t.v. with, does yardwork, has sex, etc… all kinds of things. And they’ll tell you they don’t do those things, but they do!”
and I said/asked:
“He told me they hadn’t had sex for years, and when I told him I had trouble believing that he suggested that I phone her and ask her! That was part of the reason I became “intimate” with him – I felt sorry for him that his wife had refused him for years. He certainly didn’t seem out of practice, though (OK, can’t stay on *that* train of thought…). Do you really think they all do have sex with their wives, and just lie, lie, lie?”
so…what do you think? I know every case is different, and you don’t know my particular EUM/AC but do you think he could have been lying to me? Not sure why this is so important to me, but just trying to make sense of this whole mess, and to understand if I am just too gullible…
Thanks
Wow, well, not meant to be…. Yeah, I think they lie.
But, I don’t know your guy personally.
Try to think logically. Why would a guy stay with his wife if they did absolutely nothing together and never had sex?
For me, I found out by having contact with the wife, and maybe you should have given her a call just to see what he was telling her. If he lies to her about you, you can be pretty sure he lies to you about her, you know? IT all SUCKS!
When the guy’s wife found out, by looking at the cell phone bill, he asked me to lay low for awhile and he would talk to her about when he was going to move out, but what he actually told her was that he broke things off with me and that I was out of the picture, and then he continued to snow us both that way for about a year until I finally figured out that he was lying. There is more to it than that, but I was naive and wanted to believe that he wasn’t staying with his wife. She let me know that things were normal at their house, they slept together, vacationed together, shopped together and made meals together, etc… and of course they did. I only saw him on the weekends where he had a few hours of time. Yikes! And he really did try to convince me that he loved me during all that time.
I don’t like thinking about it anymore because I was stupid, and I have to stay focused and remember that I forgave myself and I asked his wife to forgive me to (even though I felt like her husband should have been the one to ask for forgiveness). She told me to f off. (and he still tried to contact me)
The further I get from it, the happier I am and I’m actually thankful for the whole experience because I learned so much about what I never want to do or be a part of again.
I hope this answers a little bit. I’m going to get off this site for a bit because I’m thinking too much about it and it hurts a little.
Well, I don’t know what to tell you, and I hope maybe it is different for you, and it sounds like you weren’t expecting him to leave her or anything like that, so at least he didn’t “go there” lying to you.
Keep plugging away at it, you’ll figure out what you really want and need in your life, and it seems like HE is not it.
lisa
thanks so much yet again, and so sorry if it caused pain for you to go back there in your mind. You have been so helpful for me to get wise to all my EUM’s bs.
You’re right, I do not need him in my life, and I hope I get to the point that you are at now – away. and tho he never came right out and said he was leaving his wife, he still kept me hooked with … I’m not leaving her “right now” but who knows what the future might bring. I only ever wanted him to love me like I loved him.
I know I can’t bank on crumbs and vague non-promises.
I hope you find happiness and peace lisa, and thank you so much once again – your comments have truly been helpful
Anusha,
You asked about negative beliefs. You said you could understand self-beliefs like “Im not atractive enough,no guy will want to be with me,I will always be rejected and so on”.
There are many ways to be attractive. Joyful, competent, self assured, secure – these are things that everyone can accomplish, and hold onto for life. Competing with busty 24 or 26 year old beer commercial idols – that can be achieved by the few, and won’t last long. Anyone that the TV model catches – will be looking for another one when the shine wears off.
Someone that appreciates a joyful, competent woman – there is no artificial shine to worry about. When you do something worthwhile, when you know you are good at what you do, when you know you are working to be even better – then looks become mere grooming out of courtesy and respect. And looks won’t become a “Dang, if only I was a little more attractive, I could out-bimbo *that* girl, too. This time.” kind of lifestyle.
Security, according to Judge Judy, is where self esteem comes from. The security that you know you have worth, and what you are worth. Then, when you run across a guy that understands your worth, too – you know that he is worth a try. Simple boundaries would tell you to avoid anyone that doesn’t respect you or your worth.
As for always being reject, I imagine a lot of that is not being prepared – that is, knowing joy and fulfillment in your life at the time you enter a relationship, and because your pick of guy is related to your belief that no one (of any worth?) would want you. So you would find guys that won’t want to stay with you, the emotionally unavailable, the assclown – the perpetual daters.
Without knowing you I can’t say what would be the most helpful. From my own perspective, I would say nail down simple, basic hygiene, a neat and clean appearance, and never consider again whether you are attractive. Well, you might work on a smile. A smile should be all the “attractive” any woman needs. And maybe karate or kickboxing. Just knowing you can kick any bozo’s ass, or at least make him work for it, will do wonders for how one looks at life. Or T’ai Chi, or Yoga – these spirit and body programs help de-stress and focus on you and what is going on within. Yoga claims to help improve strength, agility, and manage pain. Start with a good class with an instructor recommended by trusted friends.
And look for the guys that are *not* chasing skirts. Find the guy your neighbor knows that works and isn’t involved with anyone – and is respected by friends or neighbors. You will likely have to be a friend first, but you won’t likely be surprised with an unannounced wife, or find him chasing skirts at every bar in town.
You are unhappy with the rules you have been playing by. Imagine yourself being happy, and see if the rules to that *happy* game aren’t more fun.
Luck!
Brad K.’s last blog post..Book: Judge Judy gets tough on romance
Thank you Karen and Brad for your answer to my post
When I said I always been rejected is that I used to fall for guys that didnt love me over and over again.I did that for 3 or 4 years.I think that helped to create my believe that no guy would want to have a relationship with me.Than my ex came and he did wanted to have a relationship with me and said he loved me(even though he didnt act like it and as I found out later he was EU).I think that is why I clinged to him so much and even though I wasnt getting what I wanted from the relationship and was unhappy,I stayed for years.Im trying to change that on myself and keep saying to myself that Im atractive,reminding me of my good traits and so on and hopefuly I will change that believe.
BTW– Thanks for the advice on my problem. The AC had indeed said some twisted things to my manager. I actually turned in a resignation because was just sick of the atmosphere.That gave me the chance to explain what “really” happened. My manager asked me to stay. He said I should NOT run away and said running away from a bully would only hurt me. He assured me the AC would not pull any more stunts. I know my manager realizes I’m much more valuable than the AC simply because of who I am and what I bring to the table– my warm, outgoing, friendly, smiling attitude is extremely important to the business. My manager asked if I could just forgive the AC in my heart and move on.
It’s funny, when he said “move on” it hurt. Even knowing what I know, it still hurts to comprehend the finality of “move on.” I’m sad that the AC is, as he fully admits, so full of fear and pain… and rather than build a connection, he slammed me out.
OMG…Bang on! Thank you for that! In sharing your experiences, I felt like I was reading about me!
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