In part one, I explained why we need to connect with what we truly want and learn to articulate it and stop putting off being happy. Happiness seems to be something we think will come along in the distant future and in the meantime you’ve got to live a life in pain. In fact, more often than not, happiness is something that we seem to be reliant on external factors to provide, and yet we fail to recognise that misery lives company, so if we are not remotely happy within ourselves, we will struggle to find happiness elsewhere. Why?
We may not believe we deserve to be happy and so we will distrust when the good times do come and can end up inadvertently sabotaging it.
If we carry around self-hate, we end surrounding ourselves with people that reflect the negativity and feed back into the mentality, reinforcing the self-fulfilling prophecy.
There is also the harsh reality that when we go looking for love and happiness whilst carrying our own negativity, we end up looking for love in all the wrong places.
People who don’t like and love themselves have behaviour and ‘vibes’ that mirror these things and people like assclowns and Mr Unavailable’s are drawn to you because they are more likely to get away with their poor behaviour with you because of your insecurity.
I had to do a total 360 a few years back. I had believed I was happy, was having an extended case of bad luck with men, and that in essence, much of it was out of my hands. But when I started to get real with myself, I realised that I was coasting on pretending.
I was in relationships that were largely built up on illusions, there was more drama than you could shake a stick at, and I habitually pretended to be happier than I felt.
I didn’t wake up each day and think ‘I will pretend I am happy today’, however, I had got so used to not expressing how I truly felt and burying my unhappiness, plus I had become an expert at accepting poor relationship behaviour that devalued me, that the pretending had become my pseudo reality.
I’m not saying there weren’t good times, but I walked around with a grey cloud and secret unhappiness and dislike for a long time. I cried when other people didn’t know about it and I brushed off pain and compartmentalised it for a later date, when I believed that it may not hurt so much to look at.
The trouble is that when you don’t like or love yourself, and spend a lot of your life pretending, caught up in denial, and living relationships that are built up on little or no foundations because you prefer illusions, you will become very distanced from the reality of you.
If you imagine the layers of pretence, hurt, pain, and experience, it’s all just been piled on, and there’s little old you trapped inside.
You become disconnected from you and in turn, you don’t know who you are, you don’t know what makes you happy, and often when I talk to women, in spending their lives chasing and pandering to assclowns and Mr Unavailable’s and the negative messaging about themselves, they no longer know what their aspirations, goals, desires, or interests are.
Often we sack off friends, family, passions, and interests because we’re too busy firefighting our relationships.
The guy becomes our goal, aspiration, passion, interest, and in essence our life.
We believe that if we can just get them to see how great we are, how much we love them, and how right the relationship could be if they just did X,Y, Z and accepted and validated us, then shazam, we’d be happy.
If the guy is your focal point and you allow him to unvalidate you, rely on him to eventually validate you, and the sun basically rises and sets on him, he not only has too much power, but your happiness is heavily reliant on him which means that when he’s not around, he takes your hope of happiness with him.
The guy who is the source of your misery can also end up appearing to be the source of your happiness and so you’ll go back for more…and end up with more misery with some fleeting highs.
One day, and I hope it will be very soon rather than later, you will realise that whilst there is nothing wrong with wanting to be happy with a partner in a relationship, you will not get this until you address your own personal happiness. If you can’t recognise a good thing in you, how do you expect someone else to recognise it, and how will you recognise good love and embrace it?
You’ve got to be in it to win it.
No-one’s asking you to skip around like a happy clapper or become a narcissist, but if you’re finding it so hard to find a way to start liking you, you need to connect the dots and recognise that it is no wonder that you are not happy.
Take what you don’t want and instead of focusing on that and doing nothing with the information, process it, and translate that into what you do want.
The reader, Loving Annie, that inspired the beginning of part one said “I don’t want to hurt anymore” and she realised that continuing to pursue the guy and certain behaviours would only serve to hurt her. If she didn’t want to hurt, she had to opt out even though it was painful at first.
Funny enough, we fear the pain of taking action but we don’t realise that the initial pain of doing right by yourself is far less than what it would be to indulge in the relationship insanity – doing the same thing again and again and expecting different results.
I said I wanted to be happy but it was just words, and not only do actions speak louder than words, but talk can be cheap. How are you going to make yourself happy?
Don’t just say “I want to be happy” – Say “I want to be happy by being and doing [insert your stuff here]“
This makes it real and tangible.
I decided that I didn’t want to pretend anymore. That I would acknowledge how I felt whether that was about myself, another person, or something because my feelings were valid and the pretence was literally eating me up.
I recognised that if I wasn’t going to pretend anymore, I had to open up my eyes to the stuff that I was allowing to go unaddressed in my relationships whether it was with men, family, friends, or co-workers.
When I started to give voice to my true self and forced myself to stop pretending, I empowered myself because when I started to speak up, I was like “HELL YEAH! I am p*ssed off with you and I’m not going to make excuses for it, and I’m not going to internalise your crap and make it my own”
It was freeing. I knew I could be happy because I could make me happy instead of spending my time making myself miserable with external sources.
If you learn how to be happy with yourself, you will recognise the massive contrast of being around someone who is a source of negativity and will only serve to detract from you because they don’t love, trust, care about, or respect you.
If you experience something that makes you happy, do more of it.
And here’s a big thought:
If he’s not actually making you happy and the relationship is making you miserable now, and has been on a consistent basis, he and the relationship are not what’s going to make you happy.
You can’t ignore your present state and the past, plus ignore the consistencies by focusing on a future that may never materialise.
You need to get happy now and start focusing on how to be happy on a consistent basis. Here are just a few suggestions with more to follow in part three:
Stop worrying about what the hell he (or anyone else for that matter) wants and start considering your own needs. Just like when we project what we think, feel, and want onto partners, you must recognise yourself as an entity and acknowledge your needs. His needs are not your needs, and his needs are not the be all and end all.
Set boundaries. Boundaries are the backbone of a happier you and better relationships. Grow a backbone, set some boundaries and enforce them and you will discover that having boundaries and conditions makes for a happier you, because you teach people how to treat you and respect you, which in turn yields happier times. Those that don’t want to play by the rules, tell them to beat it. People with low self-esteem who have poor relationships have little or no boundaries. Get some!
Say no. Partly tied to boundaries but it’s also a reminder to you to stop being a yes person and fearing what people will say or do if you don’t say yes all the time. No is not a dirty word and the fact of the matter is that saying yes all the time doesn’t get you anywhere but taken advantage of. Often people in poor relationships who are looking for love in all the wrong places keep giving because they not only don’t feel worthy or deserving, but they also hope that the love and giving will be reciprocated and they’ll be validated.
Find something that interests you other than getting hooked up with a man and fixing and maintaining a relationship. There has to be more to you than pursuing men – it’s bloody exhausting and you need a balance of interests that continue with or without a man and give you a life.
Reconnect with family and friends. Chasing bad love can isolate you, often because you end up isolating yourself because no-one understands what you’re doing or you’re too embarrassed to admit that you’re back with the guy. Isolation will only make you cling harder to a bad relationship so put your pride aside and let people who actually do love and care about you back into your life.
Write down your interests and goals. If you don’t have any goals other than a relationship, you’d better make some fast. Do a list of short term (under 6 months) medium term (6-18 months) and long term so that you can get a sense of what you want. Yes include a relationship but put other stuff on there too. It gives you focus.
Forgive yourself. It’s damn easy to feel unhappy and under a cloud when you’re kicking yourself constantly and having an internal conversation where you blame yourself and obsess over the relationship, the guy, your exes and anything else you feel like blaming yourself for. The reason why you haven’t forgiven yourself is because you are obsessing, which is about blame, which is about sticking with the illusion and the denial, which is about refusal to accept the situation.
You’re in pain because you keep fighting it and if you can accept what has happened, you can actually do something about it, which will make you pro-active but will also give you the opportunity to find peace with what has happened so that you can move on. If you don’t accept what has happened you cannot learn and grow from the experience and your mistakes because you’re still disconnected from the reality.
The trouble with illusions is that we can cling to them but it doesn’t change the fact that it’s not real and on some level you know this, which only adds to your unhappiness.
Let go. You will get a lot closer to what you want if you stop holding on to what will only serve to be an obstacle to your happiness because it can’t actually make you happy.
Your thoughts? Back with more suggestions in part 3.
Get ahead on understanding waste of space men and relationships with my ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download. If you need personal advice or analysis of your relationship/situation, check out my consultation service.
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All I know is that this takes time and effort and willingness and time and effort and more willingness and then your mind set shifts and your behaviors shift, and gradually with yet more time and effort that doesn’t feel like effort anymore, you HAVE boundaries, you have more happiness than you have hurt, and you have the self-respect and self-esteem and self-confidence that were just words before – and now nobody can take that/them knowing away from you.
Time and effort and really looking for the answers and doing the things that support you compred to doing the things that don’t and then beating yourself up for them but not changing them.
When a man doesn’t make you happy, it’s because you are still more comfortable being UNHAPPY, and so he’s your perfect mirror.
It isn’t about him – he’s just a learning tool. It’s about you and what you are willing to do to BE happy.
Do your inner work.
Face the illusions and habit patterns that have kept you stuck.
Do your inner work…
I had years of pain based on incorrect assumptions and reading too many fairy tales when I was young and believing them. I hated me and kept reinforcing it by picking men who didn’t love me or continue to love me and I wouldn’t let go of the “but” daydream.
Now life is safe and protected and good. I LIKE ME. If I can do it, anybody can. You can. YOU CAN.
Loving Annie’s last blog post..Questions And Answers
I made the EUM in my life my goal – to make him (just like you said) love me and appreciate me and change.
It’s taken a long time to get here and it’s taken it’s toll on me. I honestly dont know who I am anymore. An example is that after 2 solid weeks of NC after what I felt was finally the end, I am laying in bed and think this … “I am a mother! I have children!” I swear, it was like I’d forgotten.
I’m putting myself back together again and am trying to learn to love myself because I finally see that is the only way I will feel happiness. I now trust myself enough to know that I have made the right decision and have cut this toxic man out of my life forever.
I wish Peace and Happiness for all of us here.
I feel like I am caught in a nowhere land right now…I have long term goals for my life and education but its the short term ones that evade me…after a while home repairs, reading, journaling and the like just don’t seem to well, fill the time I used to fill with my EUM…I have a job I love, teenagers at home, but well, just don’t know what to do now….and during that “empty time” is when I am thinking about him…what could have been…and all that nonsense…
I would love some suggestions!
Thanks!
Interesting…I was on my happy track, doing my thing, feeling good…then I met the AC. I think it’s possible I let him derail me for a time, because I know that during the time he was in my life, I felt a “false happy”. The sense of contentment I previously felt was replaced with a weird kind of anxiety that initially felt exciting but later began to drag me down.
Though I was very distraught our “friendship” ended, I have to say it’s been a relief. I got back into my work in a HUGE way and am pulling off an amazing project. I think my outward indifference to AC and my upcoming success has made the AC angry: the confident, pretty, successful, loving woman HE REJECTED has no use for him now!
“People who don’t like and love themselves have behaviour and ‘vibes’ that mirror these things and people like assclowns and Mr Unavailable’s are drawn to you because they are more likely to get away with their poor behaviour with you because of your insecurity.”
Yes, he seemed weirdly PLEASED with his bad behavior– as though he was “winning” by acting like a jerk. “I can be a jerk and you still like me, therefore you’re not so hot”
Best advice: Find something that interests you. When I got involved in a big project, I literally had no time to dwell on the AC. I think the project “saved me”.. it enabled me to succeed after feeling like I had “failed” with him
This is my first time posting here, although I have been reading for a few weeks now, and have found this site a God-send. I have been involved with what I now realize is a married AC for a little over a year. I can relate to much of what you have written here NML. I have made a satisfying relationship with this EUM a goal, and in doing so have isolated myself from friends and family as none of them know I am involved with him and this “illusion†of a relationship. I spend a lot of time checking for emails from him, and seeing if he goes online so I can IM him. I think I am in denial about what I really need to be happy, and have been content to receive the crumbs he throws me, even though I am frustrated as I would like more than these “fleeting highs†as NML calls them. I do realize that we are going outside of the norms of society in having an illicit “relationship†and I take full responsibility for that and I’m ashamed and embarrassed by it.
As a bit of a background, I have known him for 2 years. We are both in our 40’s, are in the same line of work, and see each other at conferences (which we both help to plan and facilitate) 3 times per year. He also works directly with a family member of mine, in a supervisory position. Our relationship became physical a little over a year ago at one of the conferences. We don’t live in the same city, so we also meet sometimes in a town half way between us. The first 3 months or so, he was very attentive through email and IMing (at least as attentive as he could be since he’s married) but then the communication started to drop off as he says he’s “busy, busy, busy†at work. He does say he has strong feelings for me, but doesn’t often say much more than that as he “has trouble expressing his feelings, except in a physical way†to quote him. He lost a parent at a young age, and seems to still feel affected by this, and says he is “fragile†and does not like ending relationships.
To move along here, I have tried to break things off with him twice before – once last September and again in December, but I agreed to stay “friends†both times (as I couldn’t bear not to have him in my life – too many tears), and we ended back being physical. By the way, he is very skilled and giving in that department. After reading several posts on this site, I have decided to end things with him once and for all. I am going to call him tomorrow, and I intend to tell him this isn’t working for me anymore and I want to end things with him. I do think he may try to ask for friendship again, and I want to say no this time, but I am worried about the implications for my family member who works with him – I would hate it to affect that job. I know I will be happier without having to constantly wait for crumbs, or to ask him in vain what I mean to him (besides physically). To prepare for the NC afterwards, I have written out a list of things he has done to hurt/disappoint me (over 30 of them), and have some vacation activities planned with friends from work next week. Any advice on how to move on from this situation so I reclaim my own needs and happiness would be much appreciated. Thanks much.
NML wrote, “I decided that I didn’t want to pretend anymore. That I would acknowledge how I felt whether that was about myself, another person, or something because my feelings were valid and the pretence was literally eating me up.”
One of the things that keeps me in NC is that I just can’t be real with my eum, but I just can’t keep my feelings contained anymore. He just isn’t someone I trust sharing my feelings with. He will either belittle me, and relegate me to the psycho-b*tch category of the women in his past who were actually honest with him before they told him to beat-it, or he’ll feign empathy and remorse and lie to me to try and get me back on his side and in his bed. There is really no other place for me in his life. My own place is out of his life!
and
“Stop worrying about what the hell he (or anyone else for that matter) wants and start considering your own needs.”
Thank you for that! I so need it. I feel so much like I OWE him my “friendship” and it’s kept me in his web for far too long. He’s always going on and on about how my friendship is SO important to him, and always laying on the guilt. I’m 2 weeks NC and everyday I wonder if maybe the decent thing to do would be to call him back and try and have an adult, friendly conversation. I feel like I’ve destroyed the friendship because I want…because I want more from him, and that’s not his fault, poor guy, it’s mine. He always seems to be losing female friends, and he just can’t understand why.
It hurts a lot, but I will stick it out this time.
Thanks NML for your post. Such great information. I will keep it under my pillow
Great great post
Notmeantobe…A way to do this would be for you to tell hom gently that you need six months of no contact so you can gt your life back on track, then you will see how you feel as to whether it feels right to contact him and maybe begin a friendshop (tht sometimes is not enought time but i’t a beginning
It will mean absolutely no contact on eeither side if he cares about you and your happiness he should take his and allow you to grieve and move on. Strength to you, it’s gonna be tough but honest it is sooo worth it, you are worth it. The longer you put this momnet off the longer your pain and turmnoil will be with you.
peace
Deb
Sorry spelling all over the place, was rushing and didn’t read before posting
This writer has amazing insights into relationships
This site has helped me a great deal and really opened my eyes concerning my behaviours in my relationship. i have very recently left a bad yo-yo relationship. reading these articles have been very helpful and helped me to stay focussed. I know that i need to learn to love myself and find happiness within myself instead of chasing the emotionally unavilable man. thank you
The light bulb turned on with NML’s last post…. What do you truly want?
I did a great deal of searching for that answer since then which led me to my own unresolved relationship with my father. I realized I chase bad love because I chased love from my own Dad who never really seemed to care to know me deeply. I came to the conclusion that I had a mediocre Dad and that if, as a kid, I would have had a choice to trade him in I would have. I would have traded my dad for a loving, affectionate, caring, interested, consistant, smart, funny, playful Dad. Thats what I wanted. As an adult I accept my dad for the shallow person that he is. I now realize he did not have the capacity to love.
This led me to the assclown that I have been chasing for the same bad love, a real mediocre relationship. I finally realize that I have fallen in that same familiar trance I was in as a kid. I now realize that my assclown is just a shallow person who does not have the capacity to love. He was familiar to me, it felt like “home” at some point to have that life long albiet, painful relationship again. I realize I have the option to trade him for what I want a loving, affectionate, caring, interested, consistant, smart, funny, playful boyfriend and not live or miss a mediocre relationship. This time I am free to opt out or trade in. I am much more in tune to what I want and I no longer miss what I had. THANK YOU!
I dont want to be in the relationship insanity but even knowing that my ex isnt good for me I still fell that yearning for him.My rational side knows that I cant come back,I waited for him to change for 5 years and he didnt.So coming back would be just doing the same thing over again and expecting a diferent result but why even knowing all that I still fell that yearning? Lately had got worse and sometimes is so strong that I have to do a huge effort to resist,a few days ago I just realy felt like texting him saying I love him or that I miss him.Even though Im on NC with him for 10 weeks I fell Im still emotionaly conected with him trought that yearning.I think maybe the reason is strong lately can be because I miss being in a relationship and having a bf so I tried dating but it didnt work much well.I cant find a guy that is nice and when I did find one I wasnt much atracted to him.Is like either the guy is atractive or he is nice,I couldnt find one that is both.And yes I know the post says that I shouldnt make geting a man the principal focus of my life but I just realy wanted to have a good relationship.I have been trough bad ones after bad ones so I realy wanted one where I can be happy this time.
OMG what an amazing article. I avoided my feelings like the friggin’ plague and every single one that I avoided was just piled up (like you said). I don’t care to feel rejected but I’m certainly not “afraid” to feel rejected anymore. I feel it, deal with it and move on….
I spent a little time lately reverting back to old thought patterns because I ran into my ex-AC and discovered a new AC all in the same week. Lol The new guy was nice enough the first time we met but then he wanted to hook-up and rent a movie at his place for the 2nd date. I told him I wasn’t comfortable with that and perhaps we could spend time doing something else….he said “I’ll pass” and we said very short good-byes. My first reaction was to beat myself up for not recognizing he was a jerk in the first place but then realized….d*mn, I did pretty good setting the record straight early on =). The feeling of rejection was the real kicker though. I had to work hard to put myself back in place…and yes I cried it out for at least a day….but realized I wasn’t going to die from the pain. I would much rather feel the pain now and process it while it’s fresh instead of lying to myself about how I feel. Thanks NML for the amazing insight.
I just wanted to share my struggles with the ladies on this site. You keep me strong. Hugs to all!
hey well done metsgirl for realising what potential idiot that guy was. I have been in lots of similar situations and this website reallly helps to keep me strong. About a year ago my standards in men appeared to be limbo dancing under my bedroom door. I decided I couldn’t trust myself so thought I would pull back a bit. Since then, I have not chased men, but a few have given me their numbers. Out of all of these not one man has responded to my call. The old me would have texted and persisted but now I just delete the number and forget about them.
I have met a few men socially. One of them asked me out, then at the end of the night told me he had a girlfriend. My female friends were horrified when I just smiled and walked away from him. ‘ But he might have been breaking up with her’ So what? I dont want a man like that in my life. Its been hard this year- my best friend had a baby, my little sister got married, I’m the only single person my age out of all my friends. Sometimes it seems like society and well meaning friends would rather see me in a bad relationship than single. And I do fear that I will always be alone.
What keeps me going is this time last year- involved with two men neither who gave a crap about me. Yeh my friends and family were off my back and I had somebody on my arm, but deep down I felt a lot worse then than I do now. So dont give up, people. Enjoy the fact you can eat toast in bed and not shave your legs for six weeks!
I think an important note with feelings and getting to that happy state is to accept how you feel now and know that it is ok.
Most of the time we create more unhappiness in our lives because we think “I shouldn’t be feeling this way” and this spirals into a more depressive mode.
Acknowledging how you feel like ” hmmm I don’t feel that great today … and that’s ok” will allow you to deal with your emotions better.
Then you can start asking better quality questions like “what would need to happen in order for me to feel happy” or “what could I possibly be happy about today”.
When you ask better quality questions, you get better quality answers.
Hot Alpha Female
Hot Alpha Female’s last blog post..I Really Like Him – Now What?!
@De (or is it Deb?)
Thank you for your response. You are right, I have been living with pain and turmoil, and like Loving Annie said “I don’t want to hurt any moreâ€. I will try asking for the 6 month NC before considering being friends, if he does indeed ask to remain friends this time after I “break up†with him tomorrow over the phone. I will have to see him and work with him at a conference next month though, so that will be a challenge.
I feel badly because I had an IM chat with him a little while ago. He invited me out tonight – his wife is out for the evening apparently. I said I would love to go but had to decline, as I had other plans, so maybe another time. I feel badly making it seem that nothing is wrong, when tomorrow I plan to end it with him. I hope I have the strength to go through with this. He really is very sweet sometimes, and I know it will be difficult. I have to remember he doesn’t belong to me, he is EU since he is a MM, and being in a relationship with him cannot make me happy and could bring others a lot of pain.
@Rachel,
“I realized I chase bad love because I chased love from my own Dad who never really seemed to care to know me deeply.†and “it felt like “home†at some point to have that lifelong albeit, painful relationship again†– I can fully relate to these comments and feel it is part of the attraction to the MM for me.
Thank you everyone for sharing your stories here. I know this is going to be tough, but so many of you have been where I am now, and you have taken steps to let go of these dysfunctional relationships with EUM’s/AC’s/MM, and so you give me hope. Best of luck to all in your pursuit of true happiness!
I have just read a book that is a very good source for emotional healing and moving on: ‘Inner Abundance’ by Sarah Ban Breathnach.
I thought this book in line with the topic of this thread.
Ella
Ah NML, you’re great. This couldn’t be timed better for me personally, as it’s exactly where I am at.
Last night I was minding my own business when a friend – definitely one who’s drama on a stick – sent me a message along with a picture of his torso and expected me to listen to his relationship dramas. Not even a “hello” at first. I was extremely firm with him and said I was not getting into this with him, that I found such assumption offensive and he even said “Oh but you’re always there for me”. I think you can imagine, ladies, that I made it very clear that he didn’t have respect for me enough to consider whether my life was sufficiently important to just wander into and out of at will then he could expect significantly less importance in it.
“slap slap and slap me again” he says “but that’s ok, I like you a lot”. However he DID then message to say he realised that he had been thoughtless and that I had given him something to think about regarding his own behaviour and selfishness, and apologised.
He is EUM at the moment – had a horrible relationship with his wife and then straight into a rebound with someone loonytunes (claiming that she was setting him up with a text message “accidentally” sent to him to test his jealousy. Thing is for me he’s always known me whilst I was being FG for my former idiot.
He’s seeing the me that was there before that guy who had lots of backbone and spirit and that is great as an understanding for me to know she’s rising from the ashes
I am going to start therapy but to be honest NML I suspect your site will continue to be of absolute importance. Potentially a lot more use that therapy in fact!
NML you are without a doubt amazing. Ditto to what many people have said which is that this is the best site out there. You are extremely insightful and it has helped me personally (and many others). For me, this site has truly been better than therapy or any book or any other type of advice I have ever sought. I love what you say and how you say it so much that I even wrote to the OPRAH Winfrey show about you (Im in the states- but Im sure everyone knows who im talking about). I dont know if it will get anywhere (my email that is– LOL) but I really feel that your words, advice, messages etc… needs to be known and shared by many others because you are truly the BEST when it comes to this subject!!! Thank you so much for changing my life and the lives of many others and I truly hope you continue to blog about this!!
@ notmeanttobe
I have been in a two year on and off relationship with an EUM, and it has not been pretty. This time around, it’s been two months of no contact. I still think about him, want him around, wished he wanted me, but he doesn’t. He’s probably not thinking about me at all. Some of the things your EUM has said and done are the exact things that sooo many women on this site have experienced. You’ve probably heard his sob story a million times. The whole “I can only express myself physically” is a hallmark saying of many of these idiots. And, all these AC can be sweet sometimes; they have to be in order to keep you hooked, but it means less than s**t. You have no reason to be worried about his feelings. He’s gets to have the comfort of a marriage and also have a girl on the side to feed his ego and to alleviate the sameness of his days. Really, what are you getting out of this situation? Less than nothing. He’s selfish and awful. And, truthfully, do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who could betray his wife that way? Even if he did leave her and came to you, would you really want to be constantly worried that he was going to do the same to you? You’re selling yourself so much shorter than you deserve. And, as you may realize after reading this blog, your involvement with someone that is married signifies that you are unavailable in your own right. I would recommend you reading the Getting Past Your Past blog on wordpress and reading her book and reading Women Who Love to Much. These books really helped me. Good luck!
I just finished reading Robin Norwood’s classic Women Who Love too Much.She ends by saying that a support group is essential to women recovering from a struggle like many of us here can describe. This site has functioned as my support group, and it so great because it is not tied to any time or place and all are welcome.
Thanks NML and all who come here in good faith.
I left here a short time ago becasue i realized all my posting about him was keeping me tied to him and I really want out of the emotional connection. In the book Norwood also states that it is important that the support group not be a bitch session, meaning it cant be about the guys. This goes along so well with all of NML’s posts on bringing the focus back to us. Though, I think some bitching about the arseclown in the beginning is necessary and somehow comforting and even morbidly entertaining to many of us !
I am also in the middle of reading The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists, highly recommended if the EUM was your first weird experience with a person like this, and if you are seeking to understand and recover from your involvement with them. Part of that book explains how many epople suffer from wounds in childhood, and many of us develop coping strategies to avoid pain, that do not work so well for us later in life.
But here is what I want to share and how it relates. This latest series of posts did make me think on all that I want, and how I developed some f*cked up fantasy of what I thought I wanted with the EUM. Of course, the EUM is unwilling, and / or incapable of giving me what I really want, which is a kind honest respectful relationship. So I had to come up with this alternate fantasy reality of how it was OK with him on his terms and any day it would somehow magically and fantastically be different. And I let go of everything I wanted and turned all my worthy goals into just wanting him to come around. And I developed it all with my great capacity for fantasy to avoid reality.
The last part of NML’s above post ends with ” Let go”. Easier said than done, for me. I have been struggling with how to fully let go for the last few months of NC. NC has not been all that hard but obsessive thoughts and mini fantasies about the EUM still pop into my head daily, I think they are habits from fantasizing that the EUM will be coming around any day now, fantasies I have carried for the years I have known him.
I recently realized those obsessive thoughts, which are pure fantasy, need to be challenged.
Now, as they come into my head I challenge them every single time, right away, by repeating ” __________(His full given name)…is not interested in working with me.” Some time I say knowing me, sometimes I say loving me as I want to be loved. Sometimes I say “at this time”, leaving room for some weird future where he may truly be different. And, rest assured, I will most certainly know the difference.
It does not matter the words, but it matters to me that I use his full name. and repeat till the thought of himgoes away. I am even starting to notice that sometimes the damn fantasy thinking comes on subconsciously, like a pleasant familiar dream, so I even call it sneaky when it comes in that way.
The important part is that I am retraining my belief system , away from the messed up belief system he helped me buy into with all his ambiguity.I think the ambiguity is what messed me up more than anything, Irrational behavior can be pretty damn confusing if you are not hip to it. I consider myself lots wiser about this sort of thing now.
I took up smoking again when I took up NC, and knew that was something else that tied in. So, I have also toady tried this same idea when the desire to smoke came up, actually saying to myself…” smoking is bad for me ” ( Yeah sounds dumb…but remeber my capacity for fantasy is my childhood coping strategy
I like to reinforce telling me that smoking is bad for me with an image of the cloud of smoke going into my lungs and leaving its mark on them. Yes, in my own head I had come to half believe that I would be exempt from any ill effects of smoking. Today for the first day in weeks I have not smoked, nor wanted to smoke every time the desire has come up.
Whew, long winded, hopefully kinda clearly written. This is something that is working for me in my struggle to let go completely. I hope this can help somebody else in my support group
I have always believed it is only the truth does set you free. I needed to remember that and live it. I need to know my truth and always keep in on the forefront. Best wishes to all, thanks for being there.
@pinky Thanks. I know that AC’s will no longer find me attractive and that really does come as a tremendous compliment for me….I’m thinking you probably know what I mean since you’re experiencing some of the same things. So kudos to you! And keep it up…your worth it!
@Hot Alpha Female. I never use this term (but I’ve heard it used here) you’re “spot on” =). I know I had to start at that point before I ever noticed any kind of change in my thinking / emotions. I’m far from cured but my mind-set has done at least a 180′. Great advise!
Can someone advise?
The AC is/has been twisting everything around and telling my manager (via a flurry of emails that I learned have gone through the main office, not the manager’s private email) that I am psychotic, needy, unwilling to leave him alone, stalking, etc. I know this because my manager called me and said (repeated) some exact words that the AC has said to me. My manager is a man about the same age as the AC and AC is a skilled, manipulative liar. I haven’t had any interaction with the AC for months but last week I slipped up and told he him was an asshole. At first my manager supported me, but AC waged a war against me.
I’ve got a big project coming to a close next week and I have a feeling that afterward I’m going to be demoted or fired. I was also told that “everyone likes him” and “things” have to “cool off”– and in a couple of weeks we’ll revisit the issue (my project ends in 10 days and I’m the key lead on it)
As I mentioned, the AC took everything about me- my warm, loving nature, my friendliness, etc and twisted “me” into this pathetic person. Ever since I began ignoring him months ago, I think he’s been trying to take back “control” and “win”.
That’s the thing– I have been ignoring him, taken the lead on this project, succeeding, feeling happy, etc. until I slipped up last week.
After being told to “LEAVE HIM ALONE” (as though I’ve been pursuing him!!!) I showed up yesterday to a very chilly environment
People are looking at me funnily. People are staring at me. If I’m my friendly self, I feel people are now hesitant to interact. II don’t have proof but it’s like I’ve been tarred and feathered as a mental case.
Any ideas?
Do I explain that the AC is psychologically troubled, on medication, etc. etc.– or what? Or is that digging my own grave?
TJ:
Do you have a Human Resources Dept at your job?
Did the manager ask your AC to please refrain from sending those types of emails to “the main office” and that he needs to direct them to him directly and not involve any one else? Your manager needs to follow professional protocol to protect BOTH you and your AC not just your AC! Your AC could be claiming that he is being “harrassed/stalked” whatever, but you in essence can easily file a claim against the company itself for not having handled the matter professionally and accordingly until all facts were collected. This is the same as in anything.. you are INNOCENT until proven Guilty.
Can you please explain further what you mean by “At first my manager supported me, but AC waged a war against me.”?
Why did your manager stop supporting you? What directions (if any) have you been given from your manager? Has he said that you need to stay away from your AC? What does he mean when he says: “things have to cool off” and to “leave him alone”?
For now I would first start with something in writing from your end to your manager rebutting these allegations. It could be something like:
Per our conversation the other day regarding (your AC’s name) While I appreciate you bringing this matter to my attention, I would like to first request that you ask (AC) to direct any and all complaints about me to you directly and not to include any of the other staff. I have taken this matter seriously and expect the same in return from my employer. I would also like to add that this is also an official written denial about what (AC) is alleging that I am doing. At this time, I would like an official review of the matter as I feel my job/position is in jeopordy and I do not feel that it is warranted. For the record, his allegations are false and I would like to discuss this matter further and an opportunity to defend myself and my stance.
That way its in writing, you are covering yourself and you are to an extent, making it official while stating in writing that you are denying what he is saying that you are doing. Your manager will need to comply with your request as you are still employed at this company and as I mentioned, he needs to protect you as well until this matter has been cleared. If nothing occurs within a limited amount of time you will have to find someone else to escalate this to and bring the email that you wrote with you!
It cannot be one way no matter how much your AC is liked. Remain cool, calm and collected and by all means… do not talk or interact with your AC at this time. Do not give yourself the opportunity to say a word to him -especially a bad one as that could damage your stance in this whole matter!
I hope this helps. Keep us posted as to what happens and good luck!
PS: I would like to just add TJ that i am not a lawyer or anything.. just giving you my personal advice/opinion.
@ Jupiter
Congratulations on 2 months of no contact. And thank you SOOOO much for your response. I read it about 15 minutes before my “I can’t do this anymore†phone call with my EUM/MM, and it really helped me (even though I was shaking when the phone rang). You said “You have no reason to be worried about his feelings.†And you were right – when I told him I couldn’t continue in the relationship, he just said “I understandâ€, and said we could take on a “new role†as just colleagues – he didn’t even ask to be friends this time. I told him (as De suggested) that I couldn’t communicate with him for a while, that I had to grieve our relationship and he just went quiet and then finally said “me tooâ€. He then asked if we could still hang out at conferences, and have a few drinks, and then I paused and asked him straight out if I had just been a “___ buddy†to him and he just said “no, it was more than that, it was nice to get to know you.†And “You knew I couldn’t commit to you anyway, but if circumstances were different, I would have committed to you†What does that mean????? Overall it was a bit of a letdown as I geared myself up for more resistance than this to us ending. I guess he did me a favour.
Jupiter, you asked “Even if he did leave her and came to you, would you really want to be constantly worried that he was going to do the same to you?†and I can answer that with No, No, No – I have worried already that he may have had others on the side with his cavalier (?right word?) attitude. His parting words were “see you at the conference (in August, that we’ll both be at), if not beforeâ€. So I ended the call feeling relieved, confused, 10 lbs lighter, and somewhat empty. I thought I would be a mess, and not able to return to work after my break (when we had the call) but so far I have been fine. I interacted with some colleagues and already felt my smile was more “genuine†because I am not in that immoral relationship any more.
I know I have rough days ahead, and tomorrow will be day 1 of NC for me. I feel I have finally set a boundary with my EUM, and taken a small step towards my own personal happiness having *let go* of this dysfunctional relationship. I will try reading the “Women Who Love Too Much†book too (thanks for the suggestion Jupiter and aphrogirl) – funny, I think I saw my mum reading that book several years ago…
@aphrogirl
“__my EUM…is not interested in …loving me as I want to be loved.†Thank you for this – I will keep that in mind in the days ahead.
Thank you again everyone for the insight and support. I hope I can return the favour one day in some way.
TJ,
“The AC is/has been twisting everything around and telling my manager (via a flurry of emails that I learned have gone through the main office, not the manager’s private email) that I am psychotic, needy, unwilling to leave him alone, stalking, etc. I know this because my manager called me and said (repeated) some exact words that the AC has said to me.”
Don;t know where you work, but in the US, in a large company, calling someone else a psychotic stalker, ( who is not stalking them) and talking about them in general would be considered hearsay at best, would not hold up under any kind of scrutiny and would certainly not be grounds for firing. Most of this he said she said stuff goes to HR and people do not get fired except for clear infraction of established policy. Most times a warning comes first. Of course, I assume the people in question are doing good work that is profitable to the company.
IF you are in a small company with no protection or policy your only recourse is to assert there is no proof of his allegations. If it comes down to talking about him, you will have to decide how much you want to tell what you know. If you do so, stick with the facts, including missed romantic signals, and tell the truth. I sure would mention my suspicions that he was trying to sabotage me, but thats me, and I am self employed.
I’m in small biz, I do not expect well adjusted behavior all the time from everybody, but I do expect work to be well done regardless of personal struggles. Some companies put up with the worst behaviors because person X makes them a big profit. Not all biznesses always play by good ethics. Hopefully your does. Good luck.
To TJ
If this goes any further he will have to submit proof that you are doing these things that he says. It sounds like none of this alleged psychotic behavior from you occurs during working hours. You have a legal right to ask for a sit down meeting with you, him and the Human Resources manager and ask for direct evidence of such behavior, (ie. he would have to produce phone records, emails from you etc., which I doubt he will be able to do). If you are fired because of these allegations and they turn out to be unfounded, you have the legal option to sue not only him but the company you worked for. How do I know this? I am a lawyer.
best of luck.
notmeantobe, I wish you the best of luck with NC. Stick to it. It hurts, but you’ll feel a little bit more like your “old self” every day.
On the many occasions that I told my AC that I couldn’t do this anymore, his reaction was the same as your AC … the whole “i understand” and “you know it was more than that” crap.
it would tick me off that he was so cool about it and then i’d get upset and then I’d get right back into being with him. Made no sense.
ANYway, I’m on Day 17 of NC and he is staying away … and for the first time I am really glad that he is and not wishing he’d come creeping back. Rough days ahead, but we can do it.
On day 50 of NC I’m buying myself a new pair of shoes.
“It would tick me off that he was so cool about it and then i’d get upset and then I’d get right back into being with him. Made no sense.
ANYway, I’m on Day 17 of NC and he is staying away … and for the first time I am really glad that he is and not wishing he’d come creeping back. Rough days ahead, but we can do it.
On day 50 of NC I’m buying myself a new pair of shoes.”
I’m right there with you guys. It’s been two weeks today for me! And I will not fall back into the pattern.
And, think I’ll buy myself a nice handbag on day 50!!
@ annied and Planet Jane
“It would tick me off that he was so cool about it†– YES
Arrrrgh, why are they so frustrating this way? I fretted for days about ending things, hardly got sleep for several nights, and he’s just so, I don’t know, NON-responsive to breaking up. Do they think we will come running back soon, so they don’t take us seriously? Or are they just so good at hiding their feelings, even when “rejected†by us, since they’re so EU?
I suppose I would be guilty of not following through with a clean break the first 2 times, but those times we continued as ‘friendsâ€, this time there was no such agreement. Although, I did say I didn’t want to chat online first time I tried to end things. He said “we’ll see how long that lasts†– and I lasted all of 6 days. *sigh* That’s the longest I have not been in communication with him – how pathetic. I have been tempted to IM him tonight when I saw him online, but managed to restrain myself and even blocked him.
annied and Planet Jane – you have both mentioned rewards at 50 days NC, but I think I will need one sooner!! Even your two weeks-ish sounds like sooo long to me right now! I’ll have to think of a small but nice reward for 2 weeks. Stay strong, and I will try to as well…
notmeantobe,
I think of it as something like AA – one day at a time – or sometimes, one minute at a time – I WILL NOT CALL. It’s hard, but it works if you take it like that.
Lord sister, I know exactly where you’re comin from
It’s easier for me now because I found out for certain (this time) that he is sleeping with a friend of mine. And he knows I know. And he’s not calling either…you can guess why. Which really flipping HURTS, but it is also allowing me, at least, some certaintly for now about what to expect (no call). And I’m pissed enough, and disgusted enough to follow through this time.
Good luck to you. You’ll make it!
If there were a way to FLUSH him out of my brain, I’d be just fine. It is the circular thinking that drives me crazy. How many times can you go over the same thing? Really, how long does it take before you stop “talking to yourself” about it?
PlanetJane
He’s sleeping with your friend – ouch, that must hurt, sorry to hear about that. Good to hear you’re turning it into something kind of positive (motivation for staying NC). I used to wish my AC/MM would do something to really tick me off, but not sure I want to go through that kind of hurt that you must be enduring. I’m dreading the day I see him trying to lure in a new OW.
annied
I know what you mean about the circular thinking – I have caught myself wondering if I really should have broken up with him already, and it’s only been 20 hours or so! He is the first thing I think of when I wake up, and whenever I don’t HAVE to think about something else. We must LET GO to get closer to our personal happiness.
Thanks for the advice and best wishes. Good luck to all…
notmeanttobe,
“I used to wish my AC/MM would do something to really tick me off.”
It’s funny…or actually quite the opposite but, I’ve been waiting for eum to do just that; I knew it was coming. But little did I know it would have the added hurt and humiliation of the betrayal of a friend as well.
I STILL even blame myself at times – if only I’d been more aggressive, if only I’d been more open and communicative – but now I can say to myself, STOP, and have the reality-check/bomb of: He slept with your friend, dummy! Do you really think some comment you made or didn’t make on page three of the “relationship” is of any consequence at all when he cares so little about you AND the “relationship” that he will sleep with your effing friends! Guess it takes a (repeated) kick in the head for some of us. I can only hope I’ve learned something. And I need to chill with some serious nurturing and self love for the next few months, or even years.
And,
“Do they think we will come running back soon, so they don’t take us seriously? Or are they just so good at hiding their feelings, even when “rejected†by us, since they’re so EU?”
I’ve really come to the conclusion that eums do not have “feelings” as we know them. I think, mine at least, has feelings for how things affect him, but that’s about as far as it goes. He may have shadows of feelings – feelings he knows he should feel, such as, “I feel kinda bad I hurt you.” But as NML says in MUAFBG, I really think that they think of us in the way you’d think of a pet. It hard to accept, and sad, but true.
PlanetJane – man, that sucks! I wanted to concur with what you said about these guys not having feelings as we know them. “My” EUM
had deep, deep feelings – for himself. Any slight would turn into something horrible. But if he did the same to me and I got upset, I was too sensitive or couldnt take a joke. He is (as most are) the most self-absorbed, self-serving person I’ve ever known.
I like your advice about finding a hobby outside of landing a guy. It sounds pathetic but it’s so true sometimes. Suddenly all your hobbies take a backburner while you try to mend a relationship, and then you start forgetting you had hobbies. I have so many friends like this, too. Great advice.
Notmeantobe, it’s Deb but my friends call me De
Oh well done you, the thing is the tightness in you chest will free up you will begin to breath again. I’m so glad you had the feeling of being ten pounds lighter, such a good sign that you were indeed carrying alot of his crap, good that you gave it back.(everytime you think of him you can visualiz all the pain and crappy bullcrap you put up with, scoop it up and throw it at him). It will lighten that load everytime you do that. Any negative thoughts grab them roll them into a ball look at it, see a handgrinade in front of you and throw that at him as well. I can honestly say this helped me, stop negative thinking about myself and put allowed some peace to come into my life, peace I deserved. Now you just carry you, your own sweet self, give yourself all the hugs and kisses and tears you need, bubblebaths, nights out with girlfriends, funny movies (no romantic sad ones”) and some exercise to get you into you body. Celebrate, you have just managed to get rid of a toxic relationship!!!
And believe me they will say anything so they don’t look like an a..hole, al that stuff he said sweetly, was to make sure he could keep the door open, don’t buy into it!!! It’s a trick. Yuk and Eeewww . Don’t wait for him to call, get up and go live your life, it is far tooooooo short to waste another minute!
peace
De
Aphrogirl… what he is doing is character assasination and slander,
so not fair.
Same thing happened to me, I cut him out of a business deal and he went back and told the other partner he had had to ‘cut contact’ with me last year (yeah as if he even new the idea of cutting contact, those were my words to him) because I had a terrible ‘crash’ on him, I told the other partner, yes I did, it was a friggin train crash! He had micro managed me for two years, while he was swanning it on the skislopes with his blonde bimbo girlfriend (which he didn’t tell me he had) I was punding the streets making contacts, working on the business plan, pitch training, blah blah…just doing all the work hoping he would see how mauch I could love him!! yeah and he called it a ‘crash’!!
Luckily for me, the other partner was a woman…. She saw through it in a heart beat..he had told her the business idea was all his and he done all the work. She said, this guy is delusional, you are the talent De, you made this happen, you don’t owe him anything cut him off!.
Whew, I thanked god the universe was looking after me. Sure enough I cut contact, have a great business with an understanding smart business partner and he can take a flying jump off one of those frigin mountains with his sexbunny, I hope they land on top of each other and start an avalanche which pounds down..ok no I won’t say that here, this is for healing not for spells ::))
Anyhoo, thing is..I have met this guy and he is saying and doing all the right things and what am I thinking…’whats wrong with him, there must be something wrong with him’, he’s atttacted to me and I attract losers!!! I’m even thinking I’d better call his ex to find out what mental disorder have I come in contact with this time!!
Is this just residue or is this real?? I can’t tell anymore!
De
@De,
Thanks for your words of encouragement. How long have you been NC with your EUM? I like the analogy of the grenade ïŠ
I am happy to be on day 2 of NC and glad he hasn’t contacted me either, even though a part of me hopes there is a message from him when I check my email. I am realizing just how much crap I did have to go through to be with him – even my email address is under a male name so his wife didn’t clue in to emails I sent. Again, pathetic.
De, you mentioned exercising, and NML said “Find something that interests you other than getting hooked up with a manâ€. Well, I started a new dance class last week (on the day I last met up with my AC/MM, as chance has it) and the first class I thought about him constantly, and imagined myself showing him all the moves. This week though (last night), I hardly thought of him at all, and was more focused on learning the moves and getting to know the other women in my class. That felt so good. I am relieved that I am not going to “shrivel up and die†just because I am no longer with my AC/MM. Then on the way home, the song “Not Meant to Be†by Theory of a Deadman came on the radio – it helps me to think of ending things with him, and is the inspiration for my name on here. I turned the radio up full blast and belted it out!
Sorry to be so longwinded. I guess I am writing on here instead of IMing or emailing *him*. Thank you all for the opportunity to do this – it is sooo helpful.
notmeanttobe, KEEP WRITING here. We all know how you feel to some extent or another, and in order to break out of an unhealthy relationship and start to gain your beautiful self back, and focus on loving yourself again you need to have a safe place to let it all out!
I was with a married guy, too, and I remember those early days of slowly realizing that he wasn’t getting a divorce and that I was just getting “crumbs…” and the fake e-mail addresses, (well, I didn’t have that, but I was just a hidden commodity)…. so it felt the same. If you have to hide things from his wife, he’s never going to give you a full relationship. If he was going to ever leave her for you, he’d let it out IN THE OPEN that he loves you and not her, you know? Anyway, I thought I’d never be able to stop the ups and downs and drama and love/hate passion. I thought I’d never be able to stop thinking about him. I kept wishing that the words he told me about wanting to be with me were true…. It’s all relationship garbage that he gives to us even though has a lovely (or not so lovely) wife at home who he goes home to, eats dinner with, watches t.v. with, does yardwork, has sex, etc… all kinds of things. And they’ll tell you they don’t do those things, but they do! You are not his priority, so remember you have to stick to this and not let him use you. He didn’t earn it, he’s not 100 percent in with you. It is hard to let ourselves realize that! And it hurts so badly. But, thank God for this site that someone was able to open our eyes, or who knows how long we would let the illusion go on and on. Mine was a bit more than 2 years of my life, but I’ve been about 6 months no contact except for a few times when he tried to contact me and I told him to “bug off unless he was truly divorced at some point.” Since I (now) know he is not ever getting divorced, and it was all just lines he fed me, I know he is not coming back. And it still bugs me that I was so naive, BUT now that I am this far into no contact and getting my life focused back on myself, my family, etc.. it doesn’t hurt so harshly like it did in the beginning. I remember reading other women’s posts who were further along than I was in the healing process and thinking “I’ll never feel that happy again, this is going to kill me….” type thoughts, but hang in there! You WILL feel better and it will all be worth what you have to go through now
. A lot of us here can attest to it, and though we don’t know you personally, we really care and want your story to have closure so you can get on with the happy life you were meant to live!
(sorry, that was long, but I get emotional from time to time in recalling how I used to feel)
notmeanttobe…I’m not even sure how long now, it’s been a yo yo of NC then back again for the past year and a half, he would somehow find a way back in, then I would feel like I was the grenade exploding and stop it, cool off then it would start again. This last time I think it was around April I said no-more, this time it feel very real. I counted the day’s after to see how long it took to lose the weight of him and honest it was no more than two weeks before I was bouncing along with my own self feeling happy and light. it may take longer for you but remember everytime you think of him thank the lord you are saving yourself for someone worth your time energy and life..and that someone is you!! Dancing is great!
and keep writing here, if you think of him, or feel you want to contact him, come back here…. come back here and read read read and keep reading till that feeling disappears!!!
peace
@lisa
Thanks for your message – I guess I will keep on writing then! Your words were difficult to hear, but so needed (actually brought tears to my eyes though). Six months NC for you – wow, that’s great! I believe you that I will be feel better in time (as Leona Lewis has said) and that it will all be worth it in the end.
My AC/MM never did promise a divorce, he just said (or IM’d) vague things like “I love you very much but where does that lead?†and “who knows what the future will bring, perhaps all will be revealed one dayâ€. He once told me he had thought of divorcing his wife many, many times, but said it would be “messy†and too traumatic for her. I asked her if he loves her and he answered “not in the way I’d like toâ€. He told me they hadn’t had sex for years, and when I told him I had trouble believing that he suggested that I phone her and ask her! That was part of the reason I became “intimate†with him – I felt sorry for him that his wife had refused him for years. He certainly didn’t seem out of practice, though (OK, can’t stay on *that* train of thought…). Do you really think they all do have sex with their wives, and just lie, lie, lie? I even told him I would understand if he did have sex with her (he already admitted to sleeping in the same bed most nights). We also had an “agreement†that we were exclusive, and he said “trust is important in a relationship†– how could I fall for all that utter crap???? I sure never felt like his priority though, as you said.
Lisa, you said “sorry, that was long, but I get emotional from time to time in recalling how I used to feel†but no, thank you for the long message, I needed every word.
@De
I hope I feel like you did after 2 weeks. I agree, dancing is great, I love it as it is my stress relief. And I’m glad your last NC start in April felt “realâ€. I’m starting to hope that this is it for me, too, as I haven’t even cried about breaking up with him yet. Last 2 times I ended it, I sobbed for days, couldn’t focus at work, cried whenever I was alone in my car, etc, etc. I don’t know if this time I’m just stuck in the denial stage? Maybe I have cried all the tears for him that I had? Maybe because I am feeling the support of all of you here? I’m hoping I’m like you, De, and my heart has just “had it†with him and his crappy crumbs. I have put up a boundary and he’s not allowed to cross it!!!
I’m so pleased that so many of you have gone NC and can tell us that it works. It really gives me hope that one day I’ll really have had enough and manage to do it and mean it. Like lots of you, I too have tried to end things but my heart’s never been totally in it so it’s never worked for long.
Can anyone tell me if, the fact that each time you end things with the AC it feels less and less traumatic, is a sign that you are getting to the end of your tether. I ask because this has been my pattern plus I am now getting very p*ssed off with his self centred attitude. He’s all laughs and flirts and attentive one day, and barely civil the next. He’s like this with everyone but I am getting annoyed with it, it’s just rude apart from anything else.
In addition I am tired of his conflicting words. He has been ‘joking’ with me, ever since we split up and he met his current wife/mother figure who gives him anything he wants, that I never give him anything (he loves women buying him things). I reply that I once gave him my heart but he threw it away – so now we are equals and give each other nothing (apart from the fact that we still have sex and have done so for years)
What is really making me feel miserable is that he confused me by taking me out for a nice meal a couple of weeks ago (and he NEVER does this), it was really pleasant, we’ve known each other for ever so we are supposed to be old friends (FWB these days). So this week, I suggested that I returned the favour and we go for a meal one evening and I pay. He won’t do this, he has this thing where he won’t accept anything from me (though he will from anyone else), I think because he then thinks then he’s under some obligation to me – but then I get the ‘you never give me anything’ complaint.
Talk about mixed messages, I can’t win either way – but the result is that I feel rejected and unhappy more than I feel wanted and respected – and I still haven’t reached the stage of telling him to F off and mean it.
I read this site all the time, the messages are so clear and your experiences back it up, I know I need to stop this, so hearing your stories gives me hope that one day I too will reach a limit.
Sadthing, I guess what I forgot to write in my last post was the fact that for almost a year (before I found this web-site) I had tried breaking things off and tried No Contact on my own, and always either myself of the guy would break it, and somehow (like everyone else) I hoped things would be different…. “this time he’ll really mean what he says” or “maybe I am expecting too much, so I’ll back off and give him space…” etc… IT was always a roller coaster because I couldn’t admit that he really was never going to have both feet in. Once I found this site and learned, TRULY LEARNED, that “no contact” means exactly that: NO CONTACT. (it doesn’t mean that I break up, don’t call him and then wait for a crumb or an e-mail… it means I break up, block everything, realize the truth and then move on with my life. What a harsh reality! But it was true! I had to stop thinking that I was going to get him back and he’d be different next time around. Every once-in-awhile, there is a fleeting moment where I dream, “oh maybe he’ll show up on my door step someday as someone who wants and is available and capable of putting both feet in the relationship” but then I ask myself “Do I really want someone like that for the rest of my life?” Honestly, the truthful answer is “no.” So, to get to the point of my rambling, YEs, it does feel less and less dramatic because he doesn’t believe you’re going to end it, so he doesn’t blow hot anymore to keep you. He’s thinking that after your little breaks, you’ll come back. But!
Once you close the door for good, he might try to blow hot and win you back, but you’ll be on your way to a new, happy you, and he won’t be able to even get in touch unless he starts to stalk. The hard part is realizing that once you close the door for good, he will probably not chase after you and offer you everything you’ve dreamed of! But someone will someday. I believe that. I’d rather be alone and happy than in a 1/2 assed relationship and sad and confused on a regular basis.
I don’t know if that helps, but I wish you the best as you try to see things clearly and figure out your path in this relationship. Just always be honest with yourself and your answers will come.
I”m not trying to be cold or anything. I had to come to all this, too, in my own head, and it wasn’t fun!
@sadthing
You said “we are equals and give each other nothing (apart from the fact that we still have sex and have done so for years)” – sorry, but I don’t consider that you are giving him nothing – you are giving him your precious body and your energy.
As far as getting to “the end of my tether”, when I asked my AC for the umpteenth time what I meant to him and what he valued about me as a person, he just shrugged and said “I’m sorry, I don’t know what you’re looking for”. He can go on and on about my physical traits that he likes, but nothing about me as a person. I got sick of having no answer to that question.
I found this song by Sara Bareilles Too good for you (so sorry) on youtube:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QjzM48NLexw
and when I looked up the lyrics online, they express how I feel about him now. I think you mentioned your AC is also a MM, and I found the posting and comments on this blog about “Breaking up and getting over a married man/attached man” to be extremely helpful
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/breaking-up-with-and-getting-over-a-married-manattached-man/
I have only just finished day 2 of NC (so far so good), so I’m pretty new at this myself, but I do feel that I have had enough of this roller coaster nonsense and I am ready to get my life back after more than a year of getting the scraps of his time and attention. I hope you are able to get to this point too sadthing. Best of luck to you!
Excellent.
Sadthing,
I don’t think where you are is cold, I think it’s vibrant and warm and right, you have found your way back to you and you have grieveda dreadful experience. I love that we know the score, it petters out and when it’s done it’s done. I look back and know my experience wasn’t just about him, it was also about me giving up and grieving illusional love… in the end we put both feet it the relationship with ourselves, this is our triumph over adversity, or heriosm and real reason to celebrate and remember we did it for ourselves. We would still be dancing to the beat of their drum if we had not finally said, I deserve more than this, I’m gonna clean myself up, close this chapter, cheer up and get my life back for a new begining and it’s a good feeling being in the new beginning, you have an exciting future with so many possibilities, fresh and clean.
well done us!!
Thanks, Lisa you nailed it with this
‘The hard part is realizing that once you close the door for good, he will probably not chase after you and offer you everything you’ve dreamed of! But someone will someday.’
This is exactly where I’m stuck, I’d rather put up with his conflicting behaviour and wait for his crumbs than have nothing at all – and now I’m beating myself up even more because I can see what I’m doing but can’t quite get to the point of stopping it.
Of course you’re right, they know that you will have them back based on past experience. He doesn’t accept it when I end it because then I am calling the shots, so he always gets me back to where we were, and now I realise that his refusal to have dinner with me is yet another way of him not giving me what I want. It’s a crazy power game and I’m letting him have the power to make me unhappy and it’s no good.
I wish I had enough space on my walls for all the posts on this site, I need to read them all every day!!! They and the messages on here are an inspiration.
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