It’s funny, when he said “move on” it hurt. Even knowing what I know, it still hurts to comprehend the finality of “move on.” I’m sad that the AC is, as he fully admits, so full of fear and pain… and rather than build a connection, he slammed me out.

You asked about negative beliefs. You said you could understand self-beliefs like “Im not atractive enough,no guy will want to be with me,I will always be rejected and so on”.

There are many ways to be attractive. Joyful, competent, self assured, secure – these are things that everyone can accomplish, and hold onto for life. Competing with busty 24 or 26 year old beer commercial idols – that can be achieved by the few, and won’t last long. Anyone that the TV model catches – will be looking for another one when the shine wears off.

Someone that appreciates a joyful, competent woman – there is no artificial shine to worry about. When you do something worthwhile, when you know you are good at what you do, when you know you are working to be even better – then looks become mere grooming out of courtesy and respect. And looks won’t become a “Dang, if only I was a little more attractive, I could out-bimbo *that* girl, too. This time.” kind of lifestyle.

Security, according to Judge Judy, is where self esteem comes from. The security that you know you have worth, and what you are worth. Then, when you run across a guy that understands your worth, too – you know that he is worth a try. Simple boundaries would tell you to avoid anyone that doesn’t respect you or your worth.

As for always being reject, I imagine a lot of that is not being prepared – that is, knowing joy and fulfillment in your life at the time you enter a relationship, and because your pick of guy is related to your belief that no one (of any worth?) would want you. So you would find guys that won’t want to stay with you, the emotionally unavailable, the assclown – the perpetual daters.

Without knowing you I can’t say what would be the most helpful. From my own perspective, I would say nail down simple, basic hygiene, a neat and clean appearance, and never consider again whether you are attractive. Well, you might work on a smile. A smile should be all the “attractive” any woman needs. And maybe karate or kickboxing. Just knowing you can kick any bozo’s ass, or at least make him work for it, will do wonders for how one looks at life. Or T’ai Chi, or Yoga – these spirit and body programs help de-stress and focus on you and what is going on within. Yoga claims to help improve strength, agility, and manage pain. Start with a good class with an instructor recommended by trusted friends.

And look for the guys that are *not* chasing skirts. Find the guy your neighbor knows that works and isn’t involved with anyone – and is respected by friends or neighbors. You will likely have to be a friend first, but you won’t likely be surprised with an unannounced wife, or find him chasing skirts at every bar in town.

You are unhappy with the rules you have been playing by. Imagine yourself being happy, and see if the rules to that *happy* game aren’t more fun.

Luck!

Brad K.’s last blog post..Book: Judge Judy gets tough on romance

thanks so much yet again, and so sorry if it caused pain for you to go back there in your mind. You have been so helpful for me to get wise to all my EUM’s bs.

You’re right, I do not need him in my life, and I hope I get to the point that you are at now – away. and tho he never came right out and said he was leaving his wife, he still kept me hooked with … I’m not leaving her “right now” but who knows what the future might bring. I only ever wanted him to love me like I loved him.

I know I can’t bank on crumbs and vague non-promises.

I hope you find happiness and peace lisa, and thank you so much once again – your comments have truly been helpful

But, I don’t know your guy personally.

Try to think logically. Why would a guy stay with his wife if they did absolutely nothing together and never had sex?

For me, I found out by having contact with the wife, and maybe you should have given her a call just to see what he was telling her. If he lies to her about you, you can be pretty sure he lies to you about her, you know? IT all SUCKS!

When the guy’s wife found out, by looking at the cell phone bill, he asked me to lay low for awhile and he would talk to her about when he was going to move out, but what he actually told her was that he broke things off with me and that I was out of the picture, and then he continued to snow us both that way for about a year until I finally figured out that he was lying. There is more to it than that, but I was naive and wanted to believe that he wasn’t staying with his wife. She let me know that things were normal at their house, they slept together, vacationed together, shopped together and made meals together, etc… and of course they did. I only saw him on the weekends where he had a few hours of time. Yikes! And he really did try to convince me that he loved me during all that time.

I don’t like thinking about it anymore because I was stupid, and I have to stay focused and remember that I forgave myself and I asked his wife to forgive me to (even though I felt like her husband should have been the one to ask for forgiveness). She told me to f off. (and he still tried to contact me)

The further I get from it, the happier I am and I’m actually thankful for the whole experience because I learned so much about what I never want to do or be a part of again.

I hope this answers a little bit. I’m going to get off this site for a bit because I’m thinking too much about it and it hurts a little.

Well, I don’t know what to tell you, and I hope maybe it is different for you, and it sounds like you weren’t expecting him to leave her or anything like that, so at least he didn’t “go there” lying to you.

Keep plugging away at it, you’ll figure out what you really want and need in your life, and it seems like HE is not it.

One more thing,

I asked you a question back under July 11, 5:21pm that I would like you to answer, if you don’t mind:

You said:

“(he)..has a lovely (or not so lovely) wife at home who he goes home to, eats dinner with, watches t.v. with, does yardwork, has sex, etc… all kinds of things. And they’ll tell you they don’t do those things, but they do!”

and I said/asked:

“He told me they hadn’t had sex for years, and when I told him I had trouble believing that he suggested that I phone her and ask her! That was part of the reason I became “intimate” with him – I felt sorry for him that his wife had refused him for years. He certainly didn’t seem out of practice, though (OK, can’t stay on *that* train of thought…). Do you really think they all do have sex with their wives, and just lie, lie, lie?”

so…what do you think? I know every case is different, and you don’t know my particular EUM/AC but do you think he could have been lying to me? Not sure why this is so important to me, but just trying to make sense of this whole mess, and to understand if I am just too gullible…

Thanks

Nice he tried to communicate.

Thanks for your answer! I am going to sit on my hands now….I am NOT responding!!!

and thanking me for sharing a part of my life (even though he said he didn’t see a committed future for us – suggested maybe in the next life we can find each other earlier)…and saying how wonderful I am….and how he wants to be lifelong friends…..and that his arms miss me….

HELP!

Yes, you broke no contact by reading the e-mail, but so what. Don’t beat yourself up or anything like that, just try not to respond unless you think that by you responding, he’ll be nice or different or will have changed. I just don’t want either of you two to stay in the cycle of hoping for more from them, but still getting crumbs.

I do believe that some healthy guys, if they really soul search, can change, but AC’s and EUM’s aren’t normal, and I don’t think they ever really change. Only you know which type of man you’re dealing with.

Just my two cents. You both are really on the right path and it is awesome that you are going through it at the same time so you can encourage each other.

Even if you go back or struggle with no contact, coming back to this web-site will help you continue to think clearly with great advice from lots of people who have been through it!

Yes, yay, you are lucky – still on “real” NC as far as he’s concerned, and you can forgive urself for the slip – just be prepared next time when you go clubbing!

Meanwhile, my EUM just emailed a really nice email, but about HE feels about this break-up. I told him ;no contact” but he apologized for taking so long to email!!!!

Have I broken NC as I read the email?

Notmeanttobe,
You are right…bottom line. Ultimately we don’t OWE them anything. We don’t owe them peace of mind, and everyone playing nice. NC is not a way to get even, or an aggressive, angry move. It is a means of moving on. I have to remind myself.