Phrases Feared by Men-Do I Look Fat??

Okay, this one is an old chestnut and every man by now should be well aware that there is only one correct answer to this question, and that that answer is “no”. So you would think that this knowledge would remove the fear from the situation of hearing these words. But you would be wrong, because there is so much more to be taken into account. Because in truth, those five words, “do I look fat?” “no”, can actually encompass a hundred different questions and a hundred different answers.

For instance, it could be that the lady in question is merely fishing for compliments. In this case the correct response is to say no in an almost flippant offhand way. In this case what is actually being said is this:

Her: Do I look fat? (Remind me of how fabulous I look.)
Him: No. (Darling, you absolutely always look fabulous.)
On the other hand, it could be that despite looking fabulous, she is actually legitimately concerned that she has put on a pound or two and is seeking reassurance. This one is tricky to spot, and if you fail to do so and answer in the same way as in the first situation, this will indicate that your response is an insincere platitude. What has just happened in this instance is:
Her: Do I look fat? (Please tell me I’m still attractive.)
Him: No. (Oh God, do I really have to play this game with you, you galumphing great hippo?)
The correct response in this situation would have been a brief glance in her direction followed by the word no spoken with a slight laugh. You have now changed the above to:
Her: Do I look fat? (Please tell me I’m still attractive.)
Him: No. (I find it laughable that you even have to ask, you are dazzlingly beautiful as always.)
Matters are complicated further by one important factor that the woman in question frequently fails to take into account. The fact that sometimes, yes, you actually do look fat! So the next point to consider is the matter of what size the woman in question actually is.
For instance, if the woman is a size 8 or 10 (UK, for US sizes generally subtract 2), then the responses above will be appropriate in 99% of cases. This may also be the case in all sizes up to 16 depending on the woman’s height (a six foot tall woman in a size 16 looks little different to a five foot tall woman in a size 10) In other words, we are on safest ground when the woman in question could in no way be described as fat. Sadly this is often not the case.

So lets take a situation where the woman in question is carrying, say, half a stone more than she really feels she should. If you attempt to use either of the techniques described above in this instance you will have the following effect:

Her: Do I look fat? (I know I could lose a few pounds but you do still find me attractive, don’t you?)
Him: No. (I’m just saying what you want to hear to shut you up, you floundering warthog.)

In this situation the correct response would have been to add a hint of concern into your voice, and for preference to give her a quick kiss on a non-sexual body part (shoulder or forehead) at the same time. In this case you have transformed the situation to:

Her: Do I look fat? (I know I could lose a few pounds but you do still find me attractive, don’t you?)
Him: No. (Darling, you know I love the way you look and wouldn’t want you any other way.)
But the problem here is that as you add additional pounds the situation transforms once again. At some point, she is fat, she knows she is fat and so it actually is a mindless platitude she is looking for and the last response she could ever want is one which acknowledges in any way the truth of the situation. So now if you respond as in the last situation then what happens is this:
Her: Do I look fat? (Yes, I know I’m fat, just humour me will you?)
Him: No. (Oh for crying out loud, who are we kidding here you hideous tub of blubber?)
This is a particularly tricky one to get right, and there are many possible responses. The one I think works best is an emphatic no combined with a raise of the eyebrow. This will provide the following:
Her: Do I look fat? (I’m too fat, aren’t I?)
Him: No. (I chose you for who you are, not what you are. You are exactly the person I want to be with. Never change.)
I have, of course, only scratched the surface of this subject here. The combinations are endless and could never be covered in full if we had a lifetime to spend at discussing it. Really, it can only be learned through experience. Mistakes will be made along the way, truly painful mistakes for all concerned, and all you can hope for is that you get it right more often than you get it wrong. Because of course the meanings assigned above are only from the woman’s point of view. The man, being a totally different breed of animal, hears things in a totally different way, and from his standpoint the conversation has always, but always, gone exactly the as follows:
Her: Do I look fat? (Validate me! Validate me!)
Him: No. (Do you see my arse retreating out the door? No? Then shut yer face and get yer kit off.)