Phrases Feared by Men - Surprise Me
September 15, 2005 by NML
Welcome to the first in a series in which I will attempt to explain the phrases which most strike fear into the heart of man when heard uttered by their spouse, partner, significant other or the person they are hoping will become such. These will be presented in reverse order of terror quotient together with an explanation, for women, of what exactly it is that causes such fear, and suggestions, for men, of how to deal with the anxiety caused and possibly turn the situation to your advantage.
So, we begin today with the first…..
These are words which terrify when spoken in response to a question, and the level of fear inspired by them is very much dependent on what the question was. The problem they pose is that the woman who has spoken these words does not actually want you to surprise her, or at least not outside of a very specifically defined set of parameters.
Unfortunately the only place these parameters have been defined is inside her own head. It is the man’s job to try to ascertain what those parameters are, and to find a suitable “surprise” which falls neatly within them but which is sufficiently “surprising”. The ability with which he is able to do this will make the difference between whether the “surprise” is going to be followed by fantastic sex, mediocre sex or no sex at all. So obviously there is a great deal riding on it.
So for instance, a quite low level of fear could be inspired by the words if the question was “Where do you want to go on Saturday night?” Especially if this is, say, Wednesday. This gives the man a whole three days in which to decide the parameters of what, in the woman’s mind, would be an acceptable place to go on Saturday night, and to find somewhere within those parameters that either you have not been before, or have not been to for a considerable time.
The trick here is to ensure that the place that you go reflects your knowledge of her tastes. There must be no possible hint of a suggestion that where you go is somewhere you yourself wanted to go and felt that, having been given carte blanche, this was the perfect opportunity. No, if there are places that you want to go that you feel she probably wouldn’t, you can only obtain these ends by dropping frequent hints before doing something spectacularly nice for her and hoping she will reward this with a trip to the specified place. And in this case you should accept the fact that the visit will be followed by, at best, quite lacklustre sex and in all probability no sex at all.
A good option in this situation is to check a local listings magazine to find a one-off event which fits within the parameters of her tastes, or which is sufficiently different from your usual activities to at least warrant the description of “a lovely surprise”. This latter option is a tricky one to pull off as it must also be something consistently entertaining, because if there is no substance to the event once the initial “lovely surprise” has worn off, then the chances are that no sex at all will be forthcoming. It should also comply to the above proviso that it should not appear to be something that you would have done anyway.
It should also be remembered that in attending a special event you do slightly abdicate control over the sexual situation. For instance, if you find that one of her favourite comedians is playing at a local club, and take her there, this may well result in truly spectacular sex (after all laughter is an aphrodisiac). On the other hand, he may turn out to have a lousy night and not be terribly funny, in which case you will most likely get some sex for at least making the effort, but it will not be of the hoped-for quality.
A much greater level of fear occurs when the timescale is shortened. For instance, it is eight o’clock on Saturday evening. You are having a drink in some quiet bar when you ask “Do you fancy going somewhere for something to eat?” “That would be lovely,” she replies. “Where do you feel like going?” you ask. “Surprise me!” This is one of those moments on which you can actually feel your balls crawling back up inside your body. You now have to make a split second decision, upon which the entire possibility of sexual activity that evening will depend. You cannot afford to make a mistake, as it will be one that there will be no recovery from.
The truly terrifying aspect of this moment is that there is no leeway. You are not even permitted to ask supplementary questions such as “Well what type of food do you fancy” as this will come across as indecisive. This is one of those moments where being a mind-reader would come in handy, as you are expected to take one glance at her and know, beyond any possibility of error, exactly what type of food she would consider most welcome at that precise moment. Not only this, but you must also have first hand knowledge of a restaurant, which will have tables available at this time on a Saturday evening, and yet which will serve quite excellent food of this type.
If you can pull off this tricky feat you will of course be rewarded with sex of a truly outstanding quality. There are also some fall-back positions, such as her favourite restaurant, or the one in which you had your first date together. However the sex that follows this will reflect the level of inspiration in the choice, safe and comfortable but with no real spark.
However, the greatest level of fear of all is occasioned when the question is What would you like for your birthday/Christmas/anniversary?” After all, a lousy date can be forgiven (although never forgotten about and it will frequently be used in evidence against you forever afterwards, but we expect and can live with this). A lousy present, on the other hand, will always be there. In fact she will most likely keep it on prominent display as a reminder and a warning against ever giving her such a lousy present again. A lousy present will result not only in the absence of sex on one of those occasions when a surfeit of sex is generally expected, but will probably result in only sporadic and quite mediocre sex for some considerable time afterwards.
Alan 41, is a Scotsman with an English accent, who could never be accused of lacking variety as he has been a failed actor, a theatre director, is working as an IBM mainframe contractor, has had his book London Correspondence: Jack the Ripper and the Irish Press published, and also writes articles on true crime and mountaineering for a number of publications. He is father to 3 children, whom live with their mother and think that he’s pretty cool unorthodox dad, and he is obsessed with David Bowie. He struggles to relate to men his own age as he hasn’t developed a desire to become golf-obsessed, listen to bland music and watch motoring programmes.
Check out Alan’s blog
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