It’s time for a new episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions podcast!
Here’s what I cover in episode 18:
When sarcasm backfires: Sometimes our dry humour doesn’t go down too well, leaving a person feeling that we’re mocking them, feeling superior, or trying to put them down. That’s what happened to me on the date that sparked my blogging journey plus so many of us get into hot water when we don’t gauge our audience or know when to quit with sarky comments.
Letting go of our ‘woundedness’: When someone does us wrong, we have a pretty good idea of how we feel that they should react and can become entrenched in our position of being the victim of their wrongdoing. I offer up some suggestions for gaining perspective, which helps us to let go, which also helps us to feel less chained to past events.
The practice of self-esteem needs consistent effort: I explain why self-esteem driven habits of thinking and behaviour that are built up over time do more for us than an occasional attempt at being nice to us. Check out the 100 Days of Baggage Reclaim: The Self-Esteem Project, that I mention.
Listener Question – How do I go about having an equal relationship next time? After a divorce from an arranged marriage, this week’s listener needs a little guidance on finding her feet, recovering her self-esteem and moving on to a healthier relationship.
What Nat Learned This Week: I’ve spent so much time thinking about going for a run that I could have gone for a run ten times over! I share how I named all of the so-called obstacles to me going out (e.g. my sports bra squeezing my boobs a bit too much…) until I’d run out of excuses because I’d fixed them all, and so I had to hit the road.
You can listen to this podcast below. If you enjoy the show, please subscribe. If you’re new to podcasts, find out more about what they are and how to subscribe with this handy guide.
Subscribe on Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Android
Please subscribe and/or leave a review on iTunes (how-to guide here) – it really helps in growing the show! If you’re new to podcasts, find out more about what they are and how to subscribe with this guide.
Listener questions can be emailed to podcast AT baggagereclaim DOT com and if there’s a topic you’d love me to talk about, let me know!
Nat xxx
Oh wow! I LOVED your joke/comment about the cell phone and becoming a detective. Totally my style, and I would’ve said the same thing! For a guy not to think that was funny (and it WAS!) would mean WRONG GUY.
It reminded me how, after listening to tales of woe and how horrible his exes (plural) had treated him, I (2 yrs ago) made a comment which I guess might fit in to this category. I remember telling him ‘Maybe you picked the wrong partners.’ His reply, ‘Ouch.’ Of course I was trying to make sure he knew I was different. Before I knew about EU speak of course. I do think maybe he liked and expected to be treated poorly because, outside this comment, I treated him wonderfully and it didn’t matter.
Also, I would love to know what you, Natalie, and others think of this article in the NY TIMES:
Seriously? There are all these men looking for relationships? Or is this all EU coverup. Speechless… It’s screaming BR!
Sorry if this comment is a duplicate. My original seems to have vanished.
I was thinking the exact same thing about the phone guy!
I knew you would Claire–we have a similar sense of humour!
Hi Say Something. I really enjoyed that piece because aside from the fact that they used a Chris Rock quote and referenced Master of None (a great series), there is a lot of truth to what they’re saying. But, like the typical commitment resistant folk, they overthink it and that’s where the paralysis and sticking to old avoidant ways kicks in. They’ve all been waiting for the “right time” and the “perfect moment” and now, they’re the guy who’s that little bit too old to be in the club trying to figure out which woman is the “right age” now that they’ve decided that they don’t want to be alone. Quite funny really in one way and sad in another. The reality is that straight or gay, the person who resists commitment and keeps thinking that the grass is greener or disguises their ambivalence in a variety of avoidance tactics, enjoys a level of coddling for a time that protects them from seeing themselves clearly because along the way, they meet men and women who entertain their avoidance in the hopes that they’ll come round. Those people often end up hurt and disillusioned, chasing similar unavailable relationships out of fear of being hurt all over again. Then one day, these guys have an epiphany or a sudden realisation that however scared they are, they don’t want to be alone or ‘that guy’ and if they put their money where their mouth is, they decide to make it happen while the other people in their wake are still hurting from waiting.
I relate to the guy who met his now wife after forcing himself to go out – that’s how myself and Em met. Neither of us wanted to be out, both of us pacified our friends and here were are nearly ten years later.
And yeah, PC Plod was definitely not the man for me as if I can’t wisecrack and belly laugh, they’ve gotta go!
I don’t have a specific comment for the podcast this week, but I just wanted to say thank you. I’ve been reading your website, and started listening to the podcasts since the beginning. I share your site with my friends that I know could use your wise words. You’ve helped me in so many ways.
Thank you Caiti! I really appreciate you taking the time to not only share BR but to share this with me. Making a girl beam!
I agree with Caiti.
I am so grateful for your perspective.
I purchased your materials and they are wonderful too.
I am still hurting a lot, but hopefully healing up thanks to much of your wisdom and taking care of myself.
Thank you also Stella Blue. I’m sorry that you’re hurting. Know that expressed feelings always feel better than repressed ones and that the more that you take care of you, is the more that the hurt will recede. Hugs.
I’m adding to the “thank you” comments! Thank you Nat for sharing your wisdom and honest perspective. It has truly helped me through a dark period. I am still healing but still come to this site for inspiration for the future. I just wish I had found this site years ago, it would’ve saved me from a lot of pain and poor choices. Better late than never though, thank you.
Thank you also Jay. I’m glad that you’re getting through your dark period and finding your light. It is indeed better late, which is really nag on time, rather than never. Hugs to you.
The last assclown I dated (never again thanks to reading and listening to BR!) was very, and tellingly, strange when it came to sarcasm. It was his weapon of choice, essentially – he disguised putdowns, inappropriate comments, and even harsh namecalling, as ‘jokes’ or ‘roughousing’ and would say ‘it’s humour, lighten up!’ if I objected.
This made me feel as if I suddenly couldn’t take a joke. A weak spot with me – I pride myself on my sense of humour, so I would try to see the fun. No joy. He went on to make humiliating comments about me to my friends and even complete strangers on the street (confusing them all – no one was laughing). Hilarious. Opt out, NC, etc.
But. Whenever I was the one to make a funny comment – even with no sarcasm whatsoever involved, and nothing about him in the joke, he wouldn’t get it. The most lighthearted, innocent little oneliner, he would see as criticism or an insult and be offended. We never had any running gags either. The bonding effect of humour was entirely lost on him.
I’m inclined to think that people who habitually joke to make others feel bad, expect everyone else to do the same. That’s why jokes from others make them feel suspicious and quickly offended. Possible sarcasm shakes up their sense of control. People who joke to make other people laugh, tend not to be unsettled by actual, funny jokes. And two people who understand real dark humour can have so much fun! That’s the best.
I think you dodged a bullet with that humourless future detective, Natalie. I’m delighted, though, that thoughts about this experience of crossed wires led you to blogging. The only upside to the fun-ruining assclown was my discovering BR and devouring all your books! So I would like to join in the chorus of heartfelt thank yous.
Hi Songbird. I find your ex to be rather suspect. One of those high sensitivity for himself, low sensitivity for others type of people. He was passive aggressive, using masked resentment and anger that he’s been carrying around for goodness how long, to put you down, with a smile on his face and making out as if you’re too sensitive. His behaviour was outrageous and that of a bully. He’s deluded. He took advantage of that little bit of self-doubt, exploiting it and making it into something larger by gaslighting and humiliating you. If anyone needs to lighten up, it’s him.
The fact that you would make a funny comment and he wouldn’t get it, was part messing with your head but also the big clue that all of those times when he claimed that he was making ‘jokes’, he wasn’t, because he doesn’t have a sense of humour. Real humour is based on a foundation of empathy and respect. Unless you ‘get’ your audience and allow them to recognise your humanness (and they yours), it’s not a joke. Humour also has boundaries and must be two-way. It reminds me of when I went to a party hosted by clients who had hired Jimmy Carr (famous British comedian) to MC the event. My director drunkenly heckled him, hurling abuse at him and Jimmy ripped him to shreds. Of course my director didn’t laugh but I realised in that moment that when he shouted at his comments, he wasn’t actually joking and was being mean-spirited to deflect from his own feelings of insecurity. Jimmy brought the house down putting him back in his place.
You dodged a bullet and absolutely did the right thing by cutting him off. I hope you’re able to look back now and find even a bit of humour in the situation by recognising how ridiculous he was. Take care of you and hugs to you too.