It’s time for another episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions.
You will notice that I have a little guest on the show today–my daughter Saria introduces me and helps me sign off at the end. She says it’s a good experience for when she runs Baggage Reclaim one day–too funny!
In episode 36, I cover:
Decluttering exes: When a friend had to delete 37 exes and dates from her phone several months back who she would typically be ‘in touch’ with all of them via Whatsapp and text, it served as a reminder that hoarding up romantic connections takes up emotional and mental space that we need to clear or certainly reduce to make way for the relationship we want.
Family secrets: I watched the British female panel show, Loose Women earlier this week when they had a feature on family secrets and the impact that it can have and I talk about how being told to keep certain things a secret as a child, teaches shame. And of course, I share a couple of my own family secret dramas! | Grab The Unsent Letter Guide
We are already complete: Prompted by Jennifer Aniston’s essay earlier this week in the Huffington Post where she declared, ‘For the record, I am not pregnant. What I am is fed up‘, I revisit the subject of why we’re not half a person waiting to be defined by our relationship status or children. | My post about it on Facebook | Episode 2 where I originally talked about, “You complete me”.
Listener Question: What is the etiquette around plus-ones for weddings? I explain why an invite not having a plus-one doesn’t mean that the bride and groom are inferring that they don’t think that you can find a partner, as well as how to broach the subject of bringing someone.
What I Learned This Week: It’s been an emotionally testing time but my father being ill has brought me and my half-siblings even closer and made me realise that I need them as much as they need me.
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Nat xxx
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“I know when my whatsapp bling, that can only mean one thing” hahaha DEAD at the title of this episide, nat . you’re hilarious.
For the past eight years I have attended events alone. Weddings, funerals, graduations, barbeques, parties, fill in the blank event. Or I just don’t go. It is really starting to wear me down, whether or not I am given the option to bring a guest. I don’t have a guest to bring. Ever. So choices are go alone or don’t go at all. When I go, sometimes I don’t stay long. Usually I can exit without anyone noticing (or caring) and drawing attention to ‘the one who left early’. Sometimes being at a large event alone where almost all people are coupled off can highlight my loneliness. I think in eight years I had one person ask me to be his plus-one one time for a holiday party. That’s it. It’s always an option to show up. It is also an option to leave whenever I want, which is why I will no longer ride along with a couple as their third wheel. I need to have the freedom to leave when I want to. That’s the only way I can do it now. Someday I wish that I can look forward to attending someone’s celebration. Speaking from YEARS of experience, going it alone is taking a toll.
I know exactly how that feels. For the last 5 years I’ve been living on my own and dating unsuccessfully and so anytime a big event comes along, I usually attend alone. I’m often leaving early too. My best friend is getting married this summer and she’s been with her boyfriend for 10 years already (I introduced them to each other when we were 19). So you know, when you spend so much time around the perfect couple for a decade you start feeling like a total loser. But I’ve been dating a guy for about 6 months now and it’s going very well so far (I’m enjoying the ride without pressure but staying myself and respecting my boundaries). I invited him to a BBQ in 2 weeks where all my friends will be and he accepted without reticence. So for once in a very long time, I’ll have a plus one at an event. It feels pretty good.
I feel your frustration Say Something.
I’m in my 32nd year of riding solo to all events. It’s gotten to the point that nobody ever sends an invitation to me with a +1, and my entire step-family believes I’m either A) a lesbian; B) asexual; or C) have no desire to settle down or have kids. 🙁
The truth is actually I want all these things to happen, but a combination of piss poor timing and piss poor choice in men, means they rarely stick around long enough to get to meet my friends and family.
It’s gotten to the point where I feel so self-conscious of my eternal single status that I purposely avoid events where my step-family are present (I have two step-cousins slightly older than me who are both married and have two kids each), because they always harass me about my love life or lack thereof. When I’m around them, or around my friends (most of whom have settled) it becomes painfully obvious that I’m very much alone.
On the bright side, at least I can rest in the knowledge that I haven’t paraded a whole bunch of different guys around my loved ones (that would be awkward) and have spared myself the hassle of having to explain to them why “it didn’t work out” every single time.
At least when I do introduce someone special to them, they’ll know it’s serious and that I’m happy and in love. Wish he’d hurry up and show his face now!
You guys are dancing around an unspoken reality about relationships – a lot of the time people cling to bad relationships just to avoid the social stigma of NOT being in a relationship. So instead of feeling like they are so much better off, or that we are the odd man out or “less than” because we are not part of a couple, take comfort in the knowledge that many couples are just going through the motions for show. Behind closed doors, those people are just as lonely, but too afraid of the stigma of being single to call it quits.
I too do things alone. I remember I stopped traveling because I felt sad that I didn’t have anyone to turn to and say “Did you see that??” However, I’ve been attending events again, and observing couples, and very rarely do I see sharing of a beautiful moment. I see jockeying of who is going to get their way, what exhibit gets sacrificed to do what the other person wants. I see unruly kids getting in the way of enjoying the sights. I feel like parents take their kids places in order to check things off the parent bucket list – nobody’s actually there for the learning experience, they’re just there to take a selfie and hit the next bucket list item for another selfie.
I was in New Orleans, alone, on a bayou excursion when a woman came over to me and asked “Are you by yourself?”. I said yes. She said “Oh, you’re so brave! I wish I had enough nerve to travel without my husband!” She and the hubby did not do much interacting with each other. So I don’t see how coupledom was adding to her vacation at that moment.
What I do like though, is traveling somewhere and having people there who I know and can check in with. I went to Paris with a coworker who had lived there in his youth, we had separate rooms in a B&B, we were non-romantic travel mates. We did most things together but spent a day apart, because I wanted to see Versailles and he had been so many times and he wanted to visit his college buddies. It was perfect! I found the transit system very easy to understand, I went alone, ended up talking with another woman who had come alone. My coworker had given me all kinds of contact numbers and advice, just in case I got lost…it all worked out.
I dunno. I think when you really are prepared to take good care of yourself, you stop comparing your singleness and seeing it as a less than state.
Elgie R,
Personally, it’s not so much a case of me thinking that being single is “a less than state”, more a case of I’m an adult now and I’d really like to have at least one honest-to-goodness relationship before I depart this earth. I’d like to experience consistency, companionship, genuine love and affection, commitment and motherhood before I croak it.
Romantic love is something that has evaded me my entire life, and I’m totally bored with riding solo now. There’s only so much joy one can derive from a career (I happen to love mine) or their friends and family (love them immensely too). There’s only so much time I can invest in ME, and trust me, I can be really selfish when it comes to putting my needs first. I’m at the stage in my life where I’m ready to share my life and to love someone and God willing, receive their love in return. The prospect of building a future solely for myself, is kinda depressing. I’m unapologetic about my desire for a committed relationship and a family – having never had the chance to experience either one yet.
I do concur that some relationships are often smoke and mirrors – they aren’t always what they’re cracked up to be as you rightly point out. I can gladly take what I see on social media with a pinch of salt too, as most people only show the highlights of their lives. On the flip-side, I also know enough couples in my own circles, to see first-hand how wonderful and life affirming a healthy relationship can be. That lady you spoke of who has never traveled without her hubby by her side and yet can’t seem to engage with him whilst on vacation, is a prime example of what I would consider to be a dysfunctional relationship – much like when I see couples sitting in restaurants and both of them are preoccupied with their phones instead of talking to each other!
I have accepted my single status because it’s all I’ve ever really known, plus I’ve been on my own long enough to appreciate the benefits of being single, but I’ve lost the ability to celebrate my singledom because the truth is, it’s not how I want to live the rest of my days. I’m human, and I’m also really looking forward to meeting someone special who I can start a family and grow old with. Is that so wrong?
Hi, Rachel. I get it. I want someone to love too, and I want to be loved in return. But I think romantic love has evaded MOST people – even those who are already coupled off.
I think it speaks to an unrealistic view of relationships when we think everyone else has the “knack” of getting into a good relationship, but we don’t. I think feeling that way means we’ve bought into fantasy, and can only fall in love with fantasy. We are primed to be swept off our feet. I don’t think lasting love arrives that way.
I don’t exactly have exes and I don’t stay in contact with men I’ve “dated” by any means. But much like the girls who do stay in touch and feel like this makes them a better person I’ve often wondered the same thing. I have friends who constantly talk about being in touch with exes or exes being in touch with them and I can’t help but notice that the past men in my life don’t exactly chase me down afterward. It’s fairly easy to go NC with someone who was completely ok letting you go. And I wonder what does this say about me? Was I not loved or cared about during the “relationship”? Am I a forgettable person? I don’t stay in touch to figure out the answer but it’s something I’ve always wondered does their lack of Contacting me has something to do with me.
Hey Hope,
same here.
During our relationship, my ex always made a point of staying in touch with exes, even former hookups and fwbs because they were “such great people”…??
Didn’t exactly help with my already existing anxiety and fear of abandonment /jealousy.
After he broke up with me, complete silence. Ignored texts, blanked me in the street, the full programme. Few weeks later he’s with a blonder, skinnier, younger and prettier upgrade.
Looking back, I think I was his rebound for his previous relationship, and now he’s found someone he actually wants to be with. It’s hard to take especially because he SAID. all the right things when we were together. Like moving in together, love, children, and so on.
But yeah, generally it’s far less complicated than we’d like to believe. If someone doesn’t make an effort to stay in touch with you, it’s probably cause they just don’t care. At all.