Positive Woman, Positive Relationship
One of the misconceptions that many women have is this notion that the fact that they are with an ‘unsuitable’ guy for a relationship is circumstantial; they’re ‘victims’ of circumstance, bad luck, and it’s purely a matter of having the opportunity to demonstrate that they are a great woman with all of the right qualities and the perfect love for him.
It’s as if being in relationships where it’s a constant uphill struggle and practically needing to do the verbal equivalent of clubbing him over the head repeatedly to get him to be what you feel is the potential for the relationship…is totally normal.
In reality, whilst we all have our ups and downs, positive women with a healthy self-esteem and attitude towards relationships, don’t aspire to be with negative men, that create negative relationships, that ultimately lead to them feeling negative about themselves and love and relationships.
Positive Woman, Positive Relationship.
Oh I get some women saying “I love him unconditionally! I love him for who he is!”
No you don’t! If you did, you wouldn’t be saying stuff like this because people who are having ‘normal’ relationships don’t need to explain how conditional their love is. You wouldn’t be trying to get him to change by trying to show how wonderful you are so that he eventually takes the hint, and in actual fact there are conditions attached because as long as you are not happy within, you need him to be in assclown territory. If he did change, you wouldn’t know what to do with yourself and you might not even be attracted to him anymore.
You attract and desire men and relationships that reflect the negative (or positive) things that you believe about yourself.
Look around you; your life is a reflection of you. Your men are a reflection of what you believe about yourself.
If you spend most days miserable, obsessing, feeling depressed, wondering when he’ll call, wondering what you could have done differently, analysing your every move, think about what this means about you.
You spend a lot of your mental time and brain power obsessing about him, analysing the relationship, wondering what you could have done differently, wondering who he’s with, where he’s at, why he’s not calling, why he doesn’t love you the way that you love him.
If you have a positive relationship with yourself, you have a healthy enough level of self-esteem that kicks in and says “Hold up a frickin second here. I’ll be damned if I throw away my life, pining after someone who doesn’t want me or doesn’t want to present and accountable for a relationship. I respect myself far too much to live a half life or allow a man to continue to disregard me. I am hurting, but I need to get on with my life”.
If you’re obsessing about someone and keep going back for a kicking despite the fact that he has shown you his true character, you don’t care about yourself. You care far more about validating yourself off crumbs of his attention that you do about treating yourself with care and love.
It’s like self-harming, except for your wounds are internal, but they nonetheless reflect the negative, damaging relationship that you have with you.
It may feel like it’s all coming tumbling down like the house of cards and that if you can just fix this one thing, him, then everything else will kick into place.
But it would be far better to change your attitude and mentality because that shapes and prepares you for making other changes in your life. You can’t enforce change upon someone else, but you can get up one day and say “I’m not just going to say I want life to be different, I am going to act different because I want my actions to match my words”.
Sticking yourself into a negative cycle is not going to change anything; it will just trap you in a rut and keep stoking the negative flames. You may not feel like you’re capable of making change, but it’s baby steps. You are in control here, so if you want that relationship to change, you have to be the one to do the changing, not the people around you.
One of the first things that we need to stop doing is complicating our break ups. There is too much trying to outthink the other party, trying to anticipate how he may behave, and trying to keep your options open. You can’t legislate for what he is doing, thinking, or saying, but if you continue to put yourself in limbo whilst betting on a wing and a prayer, your life is going to pass you by.
Don’t put off till tomorrow what you could today. There is no revolutionising the wheel and instead of hoping for a 24 hour or week, or month miracle of change from him, get out and get positive about you.
If you’ve been struggling with emotional unavailability, check out my new ebook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download.
Finally Seen The Light August 18th, 2008, 1:57 pm
NML you are so right, but it’s not that easy to do. When my entire life (unknowingly) I had low self esteem, came from a dysfunctional family and have had many of these relationships with men, it’s not so easy to do. I’m not “IN” the relationship with my ex-EUM, so I left the relationship physically, but there’s a big part of me mentally still in it…I know you are right and I am trying my best to raise my self esteem, but it didn’t get this way overnight, so it’s a slow process to feel better about myself.
Fallback girls wouldn’t be fallback girls if they had high self esteem. Our self esteem didn’t get low overnight.
You say ” But it would be far better to change your attitude and mentality because that shapes and prepares you for making other changes in your life. You can’t enforce change upon someone else, but you can get up one day and say “I’m not just going to say I want life to be different, I am going to act different because I want my actions to match my words”.
I’m doing the best I can, I’m in therapy and reading alot of material on self esteem and I’m out with friends and doing my thing, but I do think about him and try to keep things in perspective….ANY IDEAS>>>HELP!
Loving Annie August 18th, 2008, 10:23 pm
NML,
How very right you are ! I’m glad that I am in the place to hear and understand this. The assclown is history - and with it the obsessing about him (as a way to stayc onnected/refuse to let go/let go of the fantasy).
Now… when I meet someone new - will come the proof of how I feel about myself after having learned so much. I look forward to the test - and the results
Hope that you are having a good Monday !
HeartbrokeKid August 18th, 2008, 11:28 pm
@Finally Seen the Light:
You’re doing a lot for yourself. You did a lot by getting out of a bad relationship and you are continuing to do right by yourself by taking care of your needs.
I can admire you for this and sincerely feel like you’re on a healthy path, but I know how much it hurts to do something for ourselves. Girls w/ low self worth are usually people pleasers and it seems pointless to put all this effort into ourself (therapy, social extracurriculars, self-enlightenments, etc). We want there to be someone to share all this growth with.
We try to do what we know is best and we keep ourselves occupied, but sometimes we get disoriented by a memory or a feeling. It will shake you, but just try to keep perspective. You are embarking on building a whole lifetime of emotional health, when you think about it like that, fledgling relationships with worthless men pale in comparison to that purpose.
annied August 18th, 2008, 11:44 pm
Thanks again for a timely posting. It’s almost comical. I was just doing this - and have been doing this for 2 years - obsessing and wondering and hoping he’d change his mind about me. Then it hit me. It isn’t me he is going to change his mind about - it’s his mind, period! It’s not me at all!
I think that along with the low self-esteem us fallback girls have is this crazy belief that whatever is “wrong” with the EUM is because of or related to - us. It has nothing to do with us! It’s them. It’s their sickness, their issues, their hang-ups, their problems and we cannot and should not try to fix them.
If I had believed from the beginning that this guy was just a jerk, period, then I would not have stuck around. My own “sickness” had me wondering what I did to him to make him treat me like crap. Wondering why the assclown didn’t love me.
He’s broken - I’m broken. But the difference now is that I’m going to fix myself and he can stay just the way he is - without me!
Looking forward to a positive me!
Carm August 19th, 2008, 2:43 am
Finally Seen The Light:
I hear exactly what you are saying. I also left my EU relationship (3 months ago), and this was the relationship which was my turning point to realizing that not only do I have a pattern with EU men, but that I truly have low self esteem issues and am EU due to some deep seated dysfunction in my family of origin which started from a very young age.
3 months later, I still have frequent thoughts about my ex EU, though I have been absolutely NC and know I will never be together with him again. But I wish I could STOP FREAKING THINKING OF HIM.
I start to panic a little when I hear NML say something along the lines of -You are spending too much time obsessing over him; and “Get on with your life” . I can’t control my thoughts about him and I start to worry that I’m not getting over it quick enough.
However, like you, I am in therapy and reading alot. You are absolutely right that our self esteem didn’t get low overnight. It is not going to be a short process to recover. It’s not like, “I realize I have low self esteem - I’m going to go out and get some self esteem now! ” But we have shown we have some foundation of self esteem by leaving our EU’s to begin with, and recognizing what we need to do.
It used to be for me, I would break up with an EU man, and would get completely over that EU by meeting another EU. Except this time, I made the decision not to do that. I have removed myself from the dating world until I think I’m in a more healthier place. It might be a while.
The only things I can suggest which have been helpful for me is to just give yourself time. Don’t beat yourself up for still having thoughts of your ex-EU. And also to talk out in therapy what your current thoughts are about your ex-EU , because it’s really helpful to see how these ex EU relationships can mirror relationships from childhood. One thing I have realized about these current thoughts that I have about him: the whole thing is much bigger than him; these thoughts have to do with a lot more than just him, they are also representing something else from my past, if that makes any sense.
You are taking commendable action from what you describe.
I wish you the best!
lisaq August 19th, 2008, 12:36 pm
So true NML! Like attracts like whether it’s positive or negative. Being happy with yourself and who you are attracts people are positive and happy and who are happy with themselves. Being negative and unhappy attracts the same. It’s easy to become negative and focus on the bad stuff. But it’s really just as easy to be happy and focus on the good.
RES August 20th, 2008, 6:52 am
Amen…
FinallyOverIt August 20th, 2008, 4:07 pm
Carm, I can relate to what you said in your post. After a 3-year pointless “relationship” with my ex-EUM, I am finally moving on, but I am also plagued with thoughts of him (more than I should be at this point) and it’s frustrating because you know that thinking of him is a waste of time. I also agree that it has a lot to do with deeper issues within us. I have been using the “serenity prayer” as my mantra lately to help me get through the hard times:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference
Hang in there, everyone!
RES August 21st, 2008, 3:17 am
When you really think about it, it’s totally true. It isn’t just circumstances, or “bad timing”. When you reflect on the “assumptions” that guide your relationship choices and behavior while in a relationship, you begin to realize that you are replaying patterns that begin with whatever past family/relationship dsyfunction helped to create. We all gravitate to that which find familiar, wether healthy or not. Take time to address these assumptions and the pain that helped to form them. Use that energy that we invest in EUM in healing ourselves. Learn to treat ourselves with all the love and emotional support that we wasted on EUM. It’s true, POSITIVE WOMEN, POSITIVE RELATIONSHIPS. And regardless of gender, there is NOTHING that attracts like happiness…Invest in yourself, learn to be comfortable in your own skin. It takes work, and can be painful, but look at the payoff…. it’s totally worth the work!
Good advice NML!
Kim2 August 22nd, 2008, 3:13 pm
“If I had believed from the beginning that this guy was just a jerk, period, then I would not have stuck around. My own “sickness” had me wondering what I did to him to make him treat me like crap. Wondering why the assclown didn’t love me.”
OH YES!! I am so like this. Wondering why he doesn’t want ME… what is it about ME that is not good enough. It is hard. There isn’t anyone in my life that I trust enough to pour it all out to. When I try to talk about it my friends say “get over it… move on” - I would if I could. I can’t yet. I am trying. Problem is I have to see him all the time (small town). I have to see him pursuing other women and I wonder why them and not ME? I believed that he was a great guy… that he was/is desireable so what is it about ME that isn’t good enough? I am making myself crazy and spent the morning crying and wondering why I am not loved.
I need to look at this guy in a different way. I need to see him as a jerk. That is hard because I do see him being nice to other people and I can’t stand it. Why is he nice to other people but not ME?
There is a deep-seated fear that I am not good enough… that other people are better… that I am some kind of slacker or fool and I’ll never get the good things in life. Not because I don’t deserver them… but that I just won’t get them. The good things aren’t meant for me. I know that is ridiculous and I recognize it but it there all the same. Logically I know it is wrong. I have always supported myself, raising a son alone, bought my own house, attended college, learned new skills, active in my community… but still this constant anxiety that people don’t like me. That isn’t the reality because people do talk to me, invite me to parties, etc. People seem happy to see me. The men that are really nice and show a genuine interest make me feel suffocated and I want to break free.
My biggest fear right now is that he will end up in a relationship and will treat her the way I wanted him to treat me…. that he will commit to her and that will prove to me that it was ME all along that wasn’t good enough.
FoolishGirl August 22nd, 2008, 6:25 pm
Kim2….you basically have taken the words out of my mouth. That is exactly how I felt about my eum. He put on the full court press and we started seeing each other while he was with his girlfriend (under the pretense that we were “just friends” of course). After about a year and a half, they broke up and I thought I would have my chance as the legitimate girlfriend, but no….he decided to start dating someone else….at our same job. It seemed like the lowest point of my life. They have now been dating for about a year. I could never get the thoughts out of my head that I was never good enough. That there was something about me - I wasn’t as pretty, as sweet, as innocent, as smart, etc….(even though he would tell me constantly I was all those things)
The funny thing is I am starting to (finally!) see how all of this is not true. It truly is their own issue. We still talk (no longer have a physical relationship), so I know that the same habits he had when he was with his other girlfriend are surfacing. He never hangs out with her, he lies to her (when he is with me and some of our other mutual work friends), he talks to me about his problems and not her, etc. Basically, he is following the same pattern. No one is ever good enough for him. I was distraught when he started dating someone else and that he would treat her like gold and give her the proper relationship that I had so wanted from him. But I am starting to realize that a leopard doesn’t change his spots (is that the correct saying?). He is *so* unhappy with his life and the choices he has made. He has stated numerous times how he wished he could turn back the clock and choose me instead. Of course, he is probably so full of sh*t and thinks that by saying that, he can get me back as the OW, but he and I both know that ship has sailed.
Don’t get me wrong; I still think about him all the time, but I am starting to realize that if we had gotten together, he would have treated me with the same respect he gives all his other GFs, which is none. And I won’t be that girl anymore. It truly is correct when everyone says how self involved these men are. I always thought mine was different. He was just going through a tough time at work, a falling out with his parents, etc. Too many excuses I made for him. The bottom line is that they only care about themselves, and no matter how they treat you at the beginning, that will always come out in the end.
Joanna August 26th, 2008, 8:46 pm
I just wanted to share some recent experiences and the changes that I am starting to see. It’s a very slow process, but I feel good knowing that I am doing the work, and this site has helped me so much through it all.
I have ended things with my EUM four months ago, and this time for good. I cut all contact, and know that it’s over. I haven’t responded to any of his attempts, and feel proud of myself so far.
I have also been dating, and really paying attention to the personality and character of the person that I am getting to know. One of the guys I met recently was nice, but I sensed quickly that he wasn’t interested in getting to know me, but to fulfill whatever he feels is missing in his life. I knew from the start though that it wasn’t right, but I wanted to give him a fair chance. I am glad that I trusted my instincts.
My other, more recent dating experience has also shown me that the work is paying off. I met a guy through a friend of mine at a party-we had a great connection, lots of interesting conversations, the chemistry was definitely there. After the second date (and a few longer phone calls), even though we made tentative plans to see each other again, he didn’t follow up within a reasonable amount of time. Even though I really liked him, I tried not to let it bother me, and decided just to move on right away, and not ‘get involved’ further. He contacted me later, and implied that he wanted to keep things casual. I told him straight up that I am not interested in a casual relationship. And that was it; I ended it right then and there.
No drama, no hoping for something that would never happen, no anxiety. It really feels great to be sure of what I have to offer in a relationship, who I am, and that don’t have to settle, and I can recognize the signs so much faster now. It’s still not easy, and some days feel like I just want to give up, but for now, I am still staying hopeful and positive.
Thank you, NML.
FinallyOverIt August 27th, 2008, 12:20 am
You go girl! Good for you!
I, too, have ended it with my EUM, but I am still waiting to “test the waters” with dating again. I hope when I do, I am smart about it like you are! It’s really nice to read a post from somebody that is actually “walking the talk” and taking NML’s “teachings” and putting them to use. Much luck to you!
Kat August 27th, 2008, 6:48 am
You are well on your way Joanna, it gets easier with time. It took me a year after my EUM dumped me and then married another woman a few months later. I finally met an available man online, though we didn’t meet in person date until 10 months later. By that time I knew what I wanted and didn’t want, had no expectations but to get to know him and date, and knew what I would put up with and not and was brave enough to say so.
When the timing is right and your head is right It’s like magic. It will be that way for you too. Now that you are moving yourself into that right place to meet that great guy. He will see you shine through…a healthy, confident, woman who knows what she wants. He will know you are a good catch and treat you right, because he knows that if he doesn’t you won’t stick around. It’s good you are actively dating…keep it up…it means you have options and believe it or not it tells guys who are interested that if they have nothing to offer but foolishness don’t bother because you always got better options. Good luck…and keep the faith
Joanna August 27th, 2008, 8:02 pm
FinallyOverIt -thank you for the kind words.
This site and NML has helped so much through this process. And it’s really great to share stories and experiences with everyone on here–we are not alone going through this! You sound like you are on your way too: the awareness is the first big step, and once you are out there dating, you will be approaching your new experiences with all this knowledge and confidence. Stay strong.
Kat-thank you for sharing your inspiring experience and for the encouragement. You have made it so far and you trust yourself, and the person that you are with- that’s really amazing. I hope to get there as well; I know it will happen with time. It is still is on-going work for me, but I am getting closer. I had to re-evaluate my past relationships and myself first, to see how I have contributed and why. Now I can see things more clearly and feel so much more confident, and at peace with the idea of commitment- it’s like my perspective has changed entirely.
No matter how discouraged I might feel some days, I will definitely keep the faith; it WILL happen.
anonymous September 4th, 2008, 1:41 pm
I think it’s important to note the difference between nice guys who are just not interested and “EUMs” who don’t know what they want and ditch you, then come back and drag you through the mud. You really need to focus on personality characteristics. A nice guy breaks up with you, generally wouldn’t tell you to “F off” in the process (my EUM has said this to me a few times when I’ve contested him), and doesn’t come back regularly to mess with your head. However, if someone is generally negative, drinks a lot, does drugs, tells people off, doesn’t return phone calls, uses people, is cheap, and has a history of being single/things not working out, etc., then chances are that is the personality with WHOMEVER they engage with, not just us.
I had/have an EUM (still dealing mentally) who has many of the characteristics listed. And I keep returning to this site, which I realize, while very helpful, is also still putting focus on him. For me, and this may hold true for other posters here, the issue is that my self-esteem is so low and I’m so insecure that I have to have reassurance that he is actually an assclown. It’s almost as if I need to come to this site and get justification from my friends to confirm that his actions are completely messed up.
This particular fellow is into alcohol, drugs, and (what I feel) shady sexual activity. And while I have a theory about where the issues started, it’s just that - a theory, and knowing it doesn’t make any difference because he’s not being honest with himself. But in reality, something seemed very off right from the first contact/date with this person. And he’s gone and come back more times than I have fingers and toes over the past couple of years. I’m to the point where I know I don’t want a relationship with this person, and the last ’round’ of his return there were definitely times when I just got tired of it all and wanted to go home and away from him. But I’m just addicted. Maybe to the attention, maybe to the need to figure out what happened. But I know the girl before didn’t fare too well either. So there is a pattern.
I try and visualize what I really want out of a relationship, and it is LIGHTYEARS away from what I’ve had with this person. So hopefully, I can focus on other things and keep myself busy until he’s out of my mind. It is hard though, because it really is a habit. It takes a very conscious effort. But then one day, I’ll be driving down the road and realize I hadn’t thought of him for a really long time. And it feels good. So hang in there ladies. YOU CAN DO THIS! And while it’s hard not to worry about the next girl, because I do too, but when I logically think about it, a LOT of things would have to change about this guy before he’d let a girl permanently into his world.