One of the most popular questions in my inbox at the moment is something along the lines of “My ex sent me a text saying Happy Holidays/Great result tonight/Did you see the snow?/Are you ignoring me still? (or some other feeble message) – what should I respond with?” Some of you are even thinking ahead and clocking up some serious energy consumption pondering what you should respond with if you get a Happy Holidays/Christmas/New Year message.
Here’s the thing: It’s just a text.
There is nothing in “Happy Holidays/Great result tonight/Did you see the snow?/Are you ignoring me still?” that says “I love you”, “I want to get back together with you”, “I’ve changed”, “I’m sorry” or even “I’m making a great deal of effort to show you how much I care.”
If you attach any of these meanings and:
1) Start imagining your future
2) Respond back by pouring out your feelings
3) Invite them around for a shag
4) Cancel your plans or put everything on hold
5) Go into a tailspin and begin ruminating about what it all means, the Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda and yada yada yada
6) Call and keep calling in the hope they’ll pick up
7) Dump your current partner
8. Turn up at their home/office/place where they hang
9) Tell them all about themselves, or
10) Contact their new partner,
you’ve had a seriously disproportionate response.
You are experiencing high intensity emotions/rumination or engaging in high level action for low level contact and effort.
Do you know what you respond with when your ex sends a text saying Happy Christmas/Holidays/New Years?
You either say nothing (it may well be a bulk message anyway), or say nothing because you’re No Contact, or say ‘Thanks and same to you’ or respond with “Happy Christmas/Holidays/New Years”. That’s it! Next! Move on and go about your business. Anything else is OTT.
Likewise, if you’re the sender, you shouldn’t be expecting much either. You might think December offers up the perfect opportunity to reach out to your ex (read: attention seek but you may pitch it to yourself as being the bigger person or a ‘good’ person), but if a text is the best you can manage, it only goes to show that you’re trying to be risk averse and generate an ‘ideal’ maximum response out of a low effort.
I mean, how great would it be (not!), if all we had to do to get a shag, ego stroke, shoulder to lean on, or even have someone declaring our love for us, was to send some text messages?
This all goes back to why you must focus on building mutual relationships – when you match someone with their low effort and see their low effort for what it is, you don’t see gold where’s there’s copper – you see their lack of effort and the reflected results in your life and distance yourself, flush them, or know the limits of your interaction with them.
If you’re making a big deal out of texts, you’ve become acclimatised to a diet of crumbs – it’s time to expect more for and from yourself.
It’s not that text messages aren’t useful (I reminded the boyf to pick up milk earlier) and that in context of a relationship where there’s healthy human contact, calls, and a consistent, progressing, balanced, committed, intimate relationship with shared values and love, care, trust, and respect, you don’t need to be concerned about the use of them, but some of you are making a very large deal out of what can only be called rat dropping communication.
You only have to make a big deal out of text messages when you haven’t got much else to go on… I’ve seen it time and again – the only people who champion text messaging as some great means of communication are those who have an inflated sense of their own importance and believe they’re busier than a world leader, and those who’ve managed down their expectations into crumbs.
I’d also like to point out that the only men who have attempted to ‘sex text’ with me, have all been attached. ‘separated’, or numpties…
I hear from people who live off a couple of calls a month and live off texts the remainder of the time, who are twitchy and waiting around for their phone to vibrate with a text, who only ‘communicate’ when it’s date/shag/lend us some money time, and who are making a mountain out of an ant hill.
You might even think that texts you send are representative of a great effort – they’re just texts.
If your idea of breaking contact and reaching out and saying something meaningful is to send a text, you’re engaging in low level (low risk and low effort) contact but trying to pass it off as high effort.
It’s not – it’s just a text. High effort, is picking up the phone and arranging to meet, turning up, jumping on a plane etc. Even picking up the phone and having a conversation and arranging to meet up (somewhere neutral ideally) to progress the conversation is a reasonably good effort.
Texts are rarely a great effort unless they’re in the context of an already effort filled relationship. It’s great to get a thoughtful text from someone who is already thoughtful, that you have a great relationship with and communicate via other means. It’s not really very thoughtful if the length and breadth of their efforts (or yours) is to send an attention seeking and/or ego fishing text.
Would you find it acceptable to be broken up with by text? If not, you have to ask why you would you feel it was acceptable to conduct your relationship by text?
If you had to say it to their face or pick up the phone and follow up with action, would you still say the same thing?
Texts give too much room for the imagination. You end up imagining how they may be saying things based on how you’re saying things and there’s tumbleweeds where there should be tone – I know I read text messages in how I’d like to imagine they sound, which can be wide of the mark if you allow your ego, libido, or your imagination to get in the way. At least on the phone you can hear hesitation, change in tone, and face to face you can pick up on body language. Of course, for many of you reliant on text messages, the sad reality is that if you stopped texting, there wouldn’t be much or anything going on.
But remember, it’s just a text. If you’re looking to forge a relationship, it’s important to recognise that you cannot be available for a relationship, never mind a healthy one, if you’re on fantasy text island in an unavailable one.
It’s just a text – you’re better than making a big deal out of crumbs. Or rat droppings.
Your thoughts?
About the Author:
Natalie Lue is the founder and writer of Baggage Reclaim and author of the books Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship and more. Learn more about her here and you can also follow her on Facebook and Twitter - @baggagereclaim .
Natalie (NML) – who has written 1082 posts on Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue.
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This week my ex e-mailed me (turns out you can’t block people you work with – oops!) to tell me he had changed phone and it hadn’t carried my number over … and to say that if I wanted him to have my number just to ‘let him know’.
Honestly.
This is the man who communicated his emotional state through the number of kisses he signed off his texts with (4 – blowing hot, 3 – average, 2 – getting annoyed etc.) Really! It’s so cringey now, but I used to genuinely be bothered by it!
Oh and he signed the e-mail with 2 kisses… *snigger*
I won’t lie, it was a shock to hear from him, my heart was thumping and my hands were shaking with the temptation to reply – but thanks to BR I took a deep breath and reminded myself how far I’ve come in only six weeks.
I ignored it. Onward.
Good for you Blue skies!!!!
blueskies,
OMG! I could tell the emotional status of the ex EUM by how he signed off his texts/emails. And it really bothered me too! I was more interested in the sign off than the content as it told me exactly where I stood with him at any given time.
signed off:
Full first name and a kiss and a “princess” = I am dead into you right now; I love how you don’t expect anything from me and make no demands. This is your reward. Don’t you feel lucky? I’ll be wanting to see you very soon and hope this is warming you up for sex.
First initial and a kiss or two = am still feeling good about you but I also need to keep a safe distance but I also might want to see you soon and will be wanting some sex.
First initial and no kiss = (eeeeekk! panic stations.) you have said something that is against the rules of engagement. You gave out an ‘expectation vibe’ or you called me on my crap and your punishment starts right now. Or maybe I just need to manage you back down now after my full first name, three kisses and a ‘princess’ got me laid.
No name, no initial, no kiss – nothing = you have really pissed me off. Don’t expect to hear from me again until you do some serious grovelling.
And this is what I read into all of this. And I still kept seeing the rat-arse. Pfft.
Fearless, you’ve decoded the sign off in a funny way, but it’s also sickening and horrifying. I went through something similar, the highest indicator of my ex-EUM’s “hot” barometer was indicated by the number of exclamation marks after a kiss, better still “KISSSSSSSSS!!!!” (the best he could manage). I cannot believe how I did jump for joy once upon a time over such insipid, juvenile expressions and how I, supposedly an adult, could accept something like that as human communication. The content was threadbare, mundane reporting about what he ate, or what he’d acquired. When I replied at lengths, often maximizing the full capacity of a text to a mere “how r u”, there was not much of a follow up response. When I received “GN” (good night), with nothing, I panicked. I did so much groveling to try to break the silence. Some other of his favourite lines that kept me “hot” were:
“When can I see u again?”
“do u want to see me”? (as if it was such an immense honor seeking an audience with him, aka his majesty!)
Sometimes I remember just staring at a skeleton-like text, trying to picture the complex emotions behind those letters. Some texts had many dots…….. that meant something mysterious and secretive, some complex, lingering afterthought of his that couldn’t be articulated and got me really excited. That was one crazy period of my life, desperately trying to communicate and reach out to someone who wasn’t interested in it/me. I’ll never settle for that kind of bogus pseudo-communication again and it’s worst than nothing to me. Love your balloon release analogy too by the way!
LOL! Oh Fearless, I always enjoy your comments. ‘you have said something that is against the rules of engagement. You gave out an ‘expectation vibe’ or you called me on my crap and your punishment starts right now.’ You have a way of verbalizing nearly everything these ac’s put us through. Happy Holidays to all!
[should I sign my full name or just an initial??]
outergirl
Try a “princess” and two kisses and you’re well in there!
@JadeS
Am so with you on all of that – bogus pseudo-communication is exactly what it amounts to – well said. For every word my ex texted 0r emailed to me I saw him and raised him three thousand! (And I always walked away empty handed). I so wish I hadn’t bothered my arse! For men that think so much of themselves they’ve got shag all to say!
You’re always so timely Natalie, truly. It amazes me that despite different colours, classes, and hell, geographic locations, these men are truly all the same.
Even more amazing is my naivety. I honestly believed that he’d just let things be – we’ve had so many squabbles and ‘broken up’ so many times but I still clearly failed to acknowledge the level of his a**holery and selfishness.
So he, like the other men mentioned in the comments here, sent a seasons greetings message, after months and months of silence. Of course, it was all about him – how he regretted how things went with our relationship, felt like he lost a friend, would be doing better in the future. Is there a formula out there that all these men follow? I mean honestly, the similarities are UNCANNY.
That said, I’ve wondered about responding or not; but after reading this, I thought about why I wanted to respond at all and it was because of ‘good girl syndrome’. When I asked myself if I wanted to respond or not, the simple answer was no. And considering he’s never considered my feelings, I don’t intend to consider his either. Merry Christmas to me – I’ll be damned if I take him into 2012.
right before I cut my ex off, we had broken up but he still occasionally texted me. I had a minor surgery, and he sent me flowers and “how are you feeling?” texts while I was recovering at home. I was enjoying the attention, although it wasn’t quite the same as actually having someone there feeding me soup and keeping me company. Then, after about a week, his ex wife called me– he was letting her stay in his house and she had taken it upon herself to call and say a bunch of weird stuff to me.
I realized while he was ordering flowers/sending texts to me in lala land that she was sleeping at his house, co-parenting his children, and participating daily in his real life. The reason we had broken up in the first place was that he had unresolved feelings about his messy divorce which made him unavailable for a real relationship with me. Her phone call made it clear that a few texts didn’t change that fact. It broke my heart at the time but I just couldn’t stomach staying even virtually entangled in something so unhealthy and so unrewarding (for me) so I told him not to call/text/email anymore. Even though I still have a little fantasy that he’ll clean up his act and show up as a normal, healthy partner I know the truth is that he’s probably still the wimpy, clueless, victim he was in our relationship. A few sweet texts are not worth being vulnerable to someone who is buying time so he can continue using me as an emotional airbag!!
the empowering song for fall back girls worldwide!!! here’s to an AC-FREE new year ladies!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QlzCpTEhhQM&feature=related
I see your Nancy Wilson and raise you some Macy Gray! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hVKF-0l7UeI have an awesome Christmas too, here’s to a healthy 2012!
Don’t forget Christina Perri’s ‘Jar of Hearts’. Not an upbeat anthem, but word for word it’s how I think so many of feel towards the EUM’s that we’ve begun to grow out of…
‘So don’t come back for me. Don’t come back at all. Who do you think you are?’.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8v_4O44sfjM
When he weaseled his way into my life, he gave me the line, “I don’t want to ruin a good friendship, but” … and then he did just that and expected me to go back to square one, like nothing more ever mattered. I realized this guy has SEPARATION ISSUES and that these holiday calls are just his desperation over separation talking, not anything sincere about “us”. Pretty much everything he said and did was about HIM, and not so much about me or us together . So I gave him the NC and he stopped calling eventually.
I renewed the block on both of my ex’s on my cell last night. It felt good to keep the power on my side and not let them have a chance to feed me BS. I am sick of the stupid one line texts, or a sappy text that is sent only to fulfill some need in them. If someone really cares about you, they either do what it takes to be with you properly or they leave you alone. The ones that linger in the middle and send random texts are being EU and keeping you on ice. It kind of pisses me off that they think that lazy crumbs are okay with me. I am NOT that woman anymore. Thank you Natalie, for being a light house for those of us who couldn’t find our way.
Merry Christmas everyone. Hang in there and focus on the good things we have in our lives.
I am dreading the holidays, just waiting to see if he texts or doesn’t text. I feel like either way I am going to be disappointed. If he does it, its only to keep me complacent, so I do not get so aggitated that the next time he does contact me, I yell at him. And if he doesn’t Contact me does that mean it’s really over?? I am new to this whole NC thing, but I do feel like following these very well written posts will help. Its been 9 years of this one guy ruling my life in one way or the other, us being together or me just living my life trying to get over him. I know I am smarter then this… Sorry for the rambling, but it feels nice.
jill
it’s over when you say it’s over. his silly texts don’t change that, provided you just ignore them.
Jill,
I did ten years of the same (have struggled with NC for well over a year now – but it’s quite easy for me now) We too were either together (of a sorts) or I was living my life trying to get over him. The only thing that has worked for me is reading Natalie and BR. I know exactly how you feel and relate completely to what you are saying. Give it up. Let it go. Imagine a big balloon full of all the stuff about him and you and just let it go, let it float up into the air and off and away all on its own. Keep reading Natalie’s stuff and try to stay away from him as well as you can. The only thing that has brought true clarity to me is distance from him – and learning that my value and my worth is all mine – I own it, he does not bestow it on me nor take it away; my value belongs to me; it has *nothing* to do with him – that was my greatest light bulb moment (I learned it right here through Nat’s posts) Good luck. Focus on loving you and on your own well-being.
I realized the same today too when reading this latest from Nat. It has nothing to do with him at all. It’s all about me and what I’ve been doing to run away from much bigger issues in my life. Fearless, I loved the analogy with the balloon! That’s exactly what it is though. It’s like a ball of twine , all entangled in a mass and 110% of our energy goes into that ball of twine leaving 0% for ANYTHING else. It”s important to start looking at what else is going on in your life that you subconsciously become so entwined in such a mess and literally put your life, hopes and dreams on hold. I have to keep reading Nat’s blogs. It seems to be the first thing that has made sense to me and I thank her for that.
I have always known that ‘a text’ does not make a relationship. Yes, they are handy for all ready established relationships. For quick messages in established relationships that also include real contact, in person (and phone calls)… The texts are just one more helpful way to keep in touch with the true meaningful people of your life.
EU’s that randomly send out “hey…” texts are just ‘fishing’ for their own selfish needs. DO NOT BITE.
When I attempted dating last year, the one fellow I thought would be interesting ONLY texted. After the 3rd date I TOLD him, I didn’t think he was that interested in me if all he was able to offer me was text conversations. I TOLD him I prefer phone communications. He told me I was mistaken that he liked me very much, so I agreed to a 4th date. BUT he continued the ‘text’ only communication… so I blew off the date and him. Then every 3 months he’d send some long text updating me on his life, he moved, he got a different job, had a birthday… I would just shake my head, and when I had time, if I felt like it, I might send back, “That’s nice.” I stopped replied after awhile. We’d had 3 dates, 1 phone call after the 1st date, and nothing else… 6 months later what was the point of replying to his random “fishing line” texts.
Text is really the laziest form of contact. As Nat says, if someone really cared, they’d be phoning / speaking in person.
Imagine if we were several decades in the past, with no means to email, text etc. Would anyone get excited if they got a letter in the mail, that only said, “Hi, how you doing?”
Not likely.
“Imagine if we were several decades in the past, with no means to email, text etc. Would anyone get excited if they got a letter in the mail, that only said, “Hi, how you doing?”
Not likely.”
Lol!! Imagine. I am of the generation who used to letter write. I went to a boarding school (nothing very posh!) and in the holiday periods I would send and receive letters from my school mates from various places around the world. I have kept them all. I also had a boyfriend when I was in my teens who went to work away one summer and I have loads of letters from him during this period. Guess what? None of them say “Hi, how you doing?”. He also called me every day or so – from a phone box! When someone wants to progress the relationship they will make an effort to keep up good communications with you. If they’re not doing it – it is a big hint that they don’t want to do it therefore they don’t actually want the relationship to progress beyond what it already is. As Grace has said, they text to maintain the ‘barely there’ status quo with you – they are not texting you to get to know you better!
Hi Barbar Doduk,
Thanks to this site, I learned to trust what I already knew [but maybe forgot]. I met someone through a mutual friend over the past year. When I say ‘met’ I mean, we know each other when we show up at mutual places. At a party in Oct., we spent nearly the whole time enjoying each other’s company and at the end, he asked me for my phone number. He never called. Oh wait..he called once, to let me know he was on Facebook [G-d I HATE that frikkin' thing] and to please ‘accept my friend request’. Oh how pathetic, what a turn off. This week he sent me a message [Whoo-hoo!] ‘Hey how are you?’ I waited a few days before replying something like ‘call me if you’d like to catch up ..I am going crazy with my move’. Did he call? No. Did he express an interest in my move? No. But he let me know he’d posted some new pictures..Oh boy!! and to inquire if I would be at a New Year’s eve party. What am I? The ready-made date? I deleted the messages. FLUSH!
Outergirl
Couldn’t help spluttering with laughter into my glass of wine reading about the antics of this plonker who’s texting you and wanting you to look at his pics on f/bk. What a joker! S’truth, it’s like dealing with twelve year olds! And isn’t it just like the thing that they text asking how you are and then do not actually want to know the answer! If it wasn’t so sad It’d be hilarious. You feel like telling them to go find a girl their “own age” (but that would be in very bad taste.)
Fearless,
‘Plonker’!! Oh I love the various names we have for them. He’s in his 40′s! Like 12 y.o. GIRLS they are. But forewarned is forearmed and I won’t waste any time on him. Thanks for the support and the laugh.
Outergirl ~ I applaud you!
All you gals are so inspiring! You help me take Natalie’s articles to another level of understanding and implementation. I’m new to BR and it’s so unbelievable and sad to me, yet comforting to know, how these EUM all run the same script. I am grateful for BR and all who comment!
D’you know, freaky timing.
I’ve been sitting here reading the comments and my phone’s going mad. My phone NEVER goes mad these days, it’s usually as silent as the grave as I sit here in Picking-Myself-Up-And-Putting-Myself-Back-Together-Land. So you’d think I’d be pleased to have some semblance of a social life, maybe?
Nope.
Some of them are from my ex – do I want to go out with him on NYE? (No, you’re nice and I like you but we split up because our values are polarised and trying to ignore all the things that I wanted out of life made me miserable).
Some of them are from a random dude that I met on a rare night out recently, who has a girlfriend but thought that we could be ‘awesome friends’. I would be amenable to this if he’d rung to talk/suggested me meeting his girlfriend/arranged to meet for coffee even, but so far it’s just a stream of non-stop texts. (No, I don’t want to text all the time and this smells shady to me. And take the hint that I’m not replying!)
Some of them are from the father of my child. (Well, I’m still not over you but nor am I going to leap up and down over a few LINES of contact from you. It’s the equivalent of two-second’s conversation).
So I’m sitting here, happy as a clam, not replying or issuing polite refusals and planning to RING my REAL FRIENDS, people who contact me and spend time with me because they like ME, not all the fringe benefits of knowing me.
BR works! Thanks Nat, and Ho Ho Ho.
This came to me at the right time! I’ve been NC for approx 10 weeks, but in the early days when I was at my lowest point I actually drafted a text message ready to send him over the Xmas period. Saying something along the lines of “Happy Xmas, and New Year, let’s stay in touch”. I look back now and think what state of mind must I have been in to even suggest that. This man managed 90% of our *relationship* via text, because he was always “so busy” or ” having a hectic week” to make calls! This was one of the many things that he done that made me uncomfortable and I didn’t question it with him because I wanted to adjust to make him want me more! Sad but true. His numbers are not even in my phone so even if I wanted to I couldn’t text him anyway! Nobody is that busy, he isn’t the bloody Prime Minister!
I am repeating my entry so nobody makes the same mistake without thinking! I got a very early Merry Christmas text (Dec 13) from my out of state, EUM/MM, and a hello to my Mom? (crazy, I know!) Me, without thinking (same Mom brought me up with good manners, too good!) replied “Same to you, Nice to Hear From You!” Didn’t even MEAN that! And broke NC! Remember girls: it is only a text; be polite to YOURSELF and DELETE!
so right about the texting. there is no emotional resonance with a text – just innuendo, fantasy and misinterpretations. i’m on serious no contact right now and i’ve ignored 2 texts and one email and didn’t call to say “thank you” to his silly flowers. (my ex is also a malignant narcissist, in addition to being a run of the mill assclown!). the last text he sent was pathetic: “in memory of the passing of vaclave havel, i am playing mozart’s requieum on a rainy day here in las vegas.” i guess this was to impress me with his heart felt sentiments and intellectual capacities. what a dope. NO CONTACT!
Dear Natalie,
It’s my BR anniversary! I’ve been going back through the archives to find when I first discovered BR and that I was unavailable, being managed by texts, and being throughly dysfunctional. You responded to me with such honesty and care for an entire year. I want to thank you and tell you I’m truly grateful. I wish I could meet you in person someday. You are awesome. I’m also grateful for all the comments from Fearless, Grace, Magnolia, and Oldenough, and so many others as I was struggling to regain my self-esteem. I’m betting it could be quite a moment if we all got to meet in person. Thank you. I’m so grateful for all your support. Oh yeah, if he texts, which he can’t because he’s blocked but he knows to create a new account, it’s still simple. DELETE. He can create as many new accounts as he wants. DELETE.
((((((big squeezy hugs))))))) Congratulations Runnergirl on what has been an incredible year of growth and positive inspiration. We got there in the end eh?! It’s been an absolute pleasure and I shall definitely meet you in 2012!
One of the greatest sources of inspiration and pleasure is to walk alongside and champion people on their journey through change. I have learned and grown as a result of you also and you gave me a wonderful jolt in the summer
The married guy has ended up being a blessing in disguise – like an exorcism of the melting pot of experiences and beliefs that forced you to look inward and make major changes. My experience did the same – there is something about the brutality of bring second best, being the person he cheats with, disappoints, slots into his schedule for fun times and uses like an upper and a painkiller that forces you to rock bottom while pulling out all your parent issues into the open.
Keep thriving and striving x
dear runnergirl:
has it been a whole year since i related to so many things in those early posts of yours? I haven’t gone back to look (I might cringe at some of the things I wrote!) but I know that today’s runnergirl is very different from the one who was justifiably on the verge of outing the other side of the family-values image of a cheating MM. Your story, which at times showed starkly that what makes for good reality TV is nothing that we would ever actually want to have happen to those we love, has taught me much. Including that we must be included in the “those we love” that we honor and protect. And that the ‘block’ function on our cell phones is our friend. I hope to be able to meet you someday, too. Congratulations on a great year of growth!
Hear, hear, RG. I am so glad for you. I too feel super appreciative towards Natalie – who I have had the lovely chance to meet (she’s as much of a dude as you imagine she would be – warm, sharp, funny, generous and self-possessed – excuse third person, NML) – and all of you readers who comment. Geez Nat, that was me over a year ago now: rock bottom while and my parent issues pulled into the open. Still feel that I haven’t quite managed to put all my spilt-out guts back into place, but getting there, every day thanks, mostly, to this site. I too remember being just so amazed and, pretty much saved, by the people who first helped me truly say, and be OK with saying, that I was treated poorly, that it was OK for me to feel what I was feeling, and understand why some of it happened in terms that could help get me through. I was just so stunned and hurt and in a complete anxiety vortex about it all. This is sanity-making, this place. Thanks and hat tips to all of us!
Dear runner
happy anniversary! You have helped me more than you know. BR would be the poorer place without you – I hope we keep hearing from you even when you don’t need us anymore! Well done – did I say you are an A grade student?! Lol (me? am a bit lazy! But I get there in the end). It would be great to meet one day – if there are plans, please don’t forget me! You have come so far, runner and I know the rest of your life will be happier and more peaceful for you, whatever it brings. I am sending you lots of love and best wishes for Christmas and new year. Now, go party!
Hi Ladies,
Thank you so much Natalie. Yup, being an OW forced me to examine just WTF was wrong with me. Thanks for being such a steadfast guiding light. One thing I’m grateful for is not spending my days and nights checking my cell phone. That alone freed up quite a bit of time to focus on me. I’ll never see a text the same. Cringe.
Magnolia, your comments a year ago were precisely spot on, no need to cringe. I forgot about how close I came to outing the family man whose definition of a family apparently included a mistress! The block function on my cell/computer brought me great peace even if he did use other accounts. I just blocked those too. Remember the B-Day card via snail mail! Cockroach.
Fearless, I’m not going anywhere. BR and you all are the only source of true wisdom and sanity. You’ve been such and inspiration and damned funny too. I’ve still got a lot of work to do. First thing in 2012 is to get out of the house. That ought to bring some adventures. Instead of my cell phone, I’ll be packing my flush handle.
And Elle, you’ll get the parent baggage sorted and unloaded. I’m not all the way there yet, but I’ve off-loaded a ton thanks to you all. Keep feeling your feelings. If I would have given myself persmission to feel my feelings, I would not have ended up in the OW gutter.
Cheers all. Here’s to an AC/EUM/MM and text free 2012.
PS. Helpful budget hint: I cut my cell phone bill in half by reducing my plan!
Please Runner Girl,
Don’t Leave, you are such an inspiration and role model to me. I often think of you in my weak moments. Truly, your journey and insight has helped me tremendously, you are wonderful and strong!
So glad you are doing well, have a wonderful holiday. And Natalie, thanks for this blog, would still be a complete mess without it. Merry Christmas everyone!
xoxoxo
Hi NeverTooLate,
Thank you. I’m not going anywhere. I still have a ton of work to do. Like you, I don’t know where I’d be now without you all and Natalie. I was truly a mess when I first logged on too BR, now I’m only kinda a mess! Here’s to the continued journey together. Peace.
I wish I’d had this blog to read when I was 15. It would have saved me A LOT of heartache and wasted time. It should be mandatory reading for all 15 year old girls!
Thanks!
Me, too, Pink Pearl! I have squandered years of precious time crying, hurting, longing over unavailable men that I continued to chase & throw my love at, hoping it would stick. I am so grateful to Natalie and all the inspiring BR bloggers for their words of inspiration and comfort. Still struggling with my own unavailability issues and a penchant for bad boys (there’s a reason why they’re called “bad,” hello) so the site helps keep me focused on making positive choices. I’ve come to acknowledge that I love the thrill of the chase & edgy, dangerous men ~a toxic type that, after the chemical high wears off, proceeds to drain the life out of me…I’m now declaring a moratorium on bad boys, thanks to BR!
Ixnay:
Thank you. I know I have to stay away from him and not feel like a bitch and guilty when I ignore him. This man is poison to me. Never in my life have I allowed someone to mess with my head the way I allowed this man to. The pain I have been through I can’t describe – there are truly no words. Every day is a struggle for me but I am determined to be free of this piece of trash who took so much from me.
And to Natalie and this wonderful site – all I can say is thank you. You have given me strength when I felt I had none.
((finally))
I so hear you. Stay strong, and I will as well.
Fearless,
Thank you for your encouragement! I can totally relate to what you said about how these guys sign off on their texts and what their emotional status was. The sweet oh how I want and need you texts always started with “My baby” or “My love”. When he was trying to push me away it was always “Hun”. Ugh it makes me sick how I fell for it and made excuses for him. Never again will I allow myself to be managed by text messages.
I think this is such a timely post. My ex contacted me this year and his text came on my phone and as it so happened by boyfriend read this text and we composed a message saying “Don’t contact me again and make it your new year resolution to not contact me again. Any more contact and you will get a christmas visit from the police” Funnily enough no further texts. Result. Its not exactly spreading christmas cheer, but I don’t care. I don’t need to be polite or give a damn!
Ah….I got one too, THE TEXT. Wishing me happy birthday and that he is thinking of me lots – he is actually on a dating site, am ashamed to say I checked ( could have saved myself the trouble but did feel rattled). So I guess there are no takers and he is checking if the door is still open or am I still an option, pinning for some more crumbs. He said life goes on and he is moving on…..I nearly let that BS ruin my day, but your post was in my inbox and I`m pleased to say that I felt like shit for about 40 minutes before a wave of relief washed over me. Natalie, this was the best birthday present I ever had, THANK YOU !!!!!
First of all a big thank you to Natalie for this website. I have never posted before but have been reading for about 6 months now. It has really helped me understand EVERYTHING about EUM and the situation I was in up until recently and really helped me in moving on. Actually a little bit to go but I feel so much better. A Christmas email received (idiot) which had relevance to our relationship. Upset for about 10minutes and then I get the email with your post. Right place right time and all that. I didn’t reply, no way but without him realising he has actually helped me move on. Not sure why but it has because it just reminded me what a liar,cheat and manipulator he is. All in a email. I know you get many posts like this Natalie but, really, Thank you. xx
I went out tonight and my EUM from way back saw me (seems to have someone hmm) and said ‘hi, long time no see’. I barely could make myself smile. Maybe I grimaced?
No it wasn’t a text, but still. I didn’t want to be happy/smiley/faking it. I just wanted him to beat it and have icicles hang from the roof.
So true Natalie…. A text is just a text and an email is just an email. I used to put too much stock into these.
I have no intention of emailing or texting my ex’s this holiday season, and I know they won’t care because I know that they don’t care about me. In the mist of the holiday season, it hurts to know that they don’t care about me after all of the things that I thought we shared, but I’ve accepted that I can’t do anything about how they feel…. But, I do believe that there is power and comfort in silence, and thus, I am sticking to my NC. My NC is a boundary. It is a boundary that says, “I didn’t want to stay in your life and be treated this way, so I’m walking away because you wouldn’t stop treating me the way you did, and I deserve better, etc.”
I know I’m just suffering from the effects of the season, so I’m just going to ride it out. What I want most is to just make it through the season without letting myself down by back tracking, after having come so far…. So, again it is NC and sticking to the various goals that I have set for myself.
One thing for sure, if my ex’s do think about me over the holidays, they will have to acknowledge that I haven’t contacted them in months, and I just want those few seconds in their brains where their thoughts say, “She’s gone. She must have moved on….” I don’t even care if they care. I will gladly take the passing thought…just so they know, that I said “no” to all of the mistreatment, the games, etc.
As for me, I am looking forward to spending the holidays with my family, and I am going to buy myself a Christmas present for the first time in my life. I am excited, so excited about loving my inner child.
Thank you for this site Natalie. I have learned so much here, and it has given me a greater understanding of many things that I was confused about. Wishing the best for you and yours.
))
Happy Holidays Everyone!!
NC is a boundary that says, “I didn’t want to stay in your life and be treated this way, so I’m walking away because you wouldn’t stop treating me the way you did, and I deserve better, etc.”
Well said, Victoria. My recent exes cared so little about me, I initiated most of the contact which hurts tremendously. Needless to say, I don’t expect to receive any sentimental holiday communication from them, but based on the horror stories I read here at BR, it’s a blessing! As Natalie says, you’re either in or you’re out. They weren’t in, so I’m out.
Stay strong and Merry Christmas, everyone!
Brilliant post! Love the site, Natalie’s amazing advice (got the book Mr Unavailable) & this is my first comment!
Any man who relies mainly on texts as a means of communication has no balls IMO. Even my ex Mr. EU & I decided texts led to more trouble than it was worth & proceeded to have phone conversations only. We always misunderstood eachother via texts.
People do go a bit mad over Xmas. I had one AC text me this eve; someone I’m completely not interested in & my number was given without my permission by a mutual friend. This chap sent a few declarations of love, when the depth of our previous interaction (in person) was him buying me a coffee at Costa the 1st time I met him when I was with a group of mutual friends. He also flashed his iphone & Audi keys at me, as I recall, but I was busy chatting to my colleague at the time. (I seriously think he thought that was all it took??) Anyway, this eve, the texts came hard & fast. I responded once: “I am not responsible for your feelings. I am not interested. I am not replying to any texts from you. Everybody deserves someone who loves them. That girl is not me. Find peace, love yourself & Merry Christmas.” One more deranged text later & I got a protective male friend to call him. I have previously avoided answering texts from him when he started this habit, but tonight I felt he needed a good kick in the teeth but it didn’t work. Bless my male friend. He was expecting a lengthy conversation & all he got was “Ok” from this guy when telling him to back off. My guy friend was like: “My god! At least he could’ve said, “I don’t care! I like her! Get lost!” But all I got was an “ok”! WTF?! No, he doesn’t love you!” LOL!
When you’re not interested (I know this post is related to ex EUs/ACs who think they can sweep in & out) you see things clearly without emotion: the subtext of those texts point to someone who isn’t with it; slightly mad, with an overinflated sense of self-importance & yes, vastly arrogant; but at the same time, “hiding” behind texts, demonstrating a lack of confidence. It’s the “not seeing gold where there’s copper” bit Natalie wrote in that fab paragraph. The difference is amazing when you flip the equation over!
sugarblade
Your male friend’s reaction is so spot on and funny. That’s all it boils down to in the end.
“WTF?”
Thanks for the great post and all the comments. Sometimes I just scroll through the comments after reading to compare them to my own situation, and to gain strength.
I remember in his goodbye letter–that he wrote after I said goodbye because he wouldn’t even unfriend me from Facebook after he had behaved badly–my LDR ex said “I couldn’t allow myself to feel anything for you because of the distance.” He was 40 years old! And I took this seriously at the time. Now I see it as a juvenile excuse.
After all these months of struggling, I realize this: if someone really wants to be with you, he will make a way. I recently went on a vacation that I’d been putting off for years, and I had sacrificed some of my smaller wants to do it, because I really wanted to go overseas. I was the only one who could make that happen, just like he and I working together could have achieved a good relationship and who knows, maybe gotten married. But he didn’t truly want to be in the relationship, in spite of all the things he told me in the beginning to lure me in. “Maybe we could get married.”
There was a time I’d have been so glad to get a “Merry Christmas” Facebook message from him. That time has passed. And even though I wish he would have a lightbulb moment–I know it is not going to happen! So I’m taping my fingers together–and hoping–as some of you have said, “not to carry him into 2012″. It’s my New Year’s resolution!
“After all these months of struggling, I realize this: if someone really wants to be with you, he will make a way.”
Story, I couldn`t agree more. We should always remember this , soooo true. Here is to the happy 2012
“After all these months of struggling, I realize this: if someone really wants to be with you, he will make a way.”
Yes. We need to grasp this as applicable to everyone – including ourselves – and not just as some cliched platitude that we spout out about other women who are chasing up a man who is plainly not stepping in to the relationship.
When it is applied to “our man” we somehow think he is an exception, that he does really want us but just doesn’t know it yet, and even if we do get that he doesn’t want us, we see that as a minor and temporary obstacle that can be removed by jumping through hoops and doing cartwheels until he makes us the exception to the that rule.
But here’s the thing I now get beyond the quotation above – if he (an EUM/MM/AC) is not making a way to be with you then what he is doing is AVOIDING being with you. So it’s much worse even than we imagine it is. It’s not just about bending yourself backwards trying to be the exception to a man who is largely indifferent towards us, which is way bad enough; but these guys are *not* indifferent: They are pro-actively avoiding being with us – that is where most of his efforts actually go. When I think back now to ex EUM arsey man I can see completely what a fool’s errand I was on – it was like trying to climb a greasy pole. I thought the problem was some grease, which was bad enough, but with a bit of hard graft over time I could de-grease the pole, right? No, wrong, because HE was applying the grease, with his special big bucket and brush; he has an endless supply, and all his efforts went into greasing that pole and watching me try to climb it – if I got a little way up the pole, he upped his efforts with the grease and down again I’d go.
So, I say it’s actually worse than him not making an effort to be with us – All efforts they do make are designed to ensure that they don’t end up being with us.
Am replying to my own posting – forgive me, I want to clarify something (my brain is ticking over on this as I think I am getting at something for myself here).
When I say “effort”, I mean ‘getting uncomfortable, inconveniencing himself or stretching himself in some way’. When I think about it now, my ex EUM made no (emotional) effort to be with me. He spent time with me only so long as it was comfortable and easy for him, only so long as it took no (emotional) effort on his part.
BUT he was more than willing to put some effort or thought (like all his so carefully chosen vacuous pseudo communications and considered sign offs!), to avoid spending time with me – or being with me. He did a lot of squirming and getting uncomfortable when he wanted to get away from me – never to be with me.
In fact the only times he pretty much humiliated himself and made himself look like an arse was when he was trying to get away from me, which was a fairly frequent occurrence. He would never have compromised himself like that in order to spend time with me or be with me. Never.
Now there’s a thing! (sorry am probably “thinking”/blabbing aloud here now)
LOVE your greasy pole analogy. Will remember that one
I’d read some articles about people with emotionally-avoidant attachment style, in my bid to understand my ex-EUM and how to reach out to him. Now, I see all his tactics as cruel and sadistic, an extended human prank. He probably got a laugh, never took me seriously and derived a massive ego-stroke from me hanging around– to show him that he wasn’t so bad after all and quite blameless for a nasty divorce. Distance has enabled to see that these efforts are best channeled into understanding why I persist in climbing up a greasy pole and why I was so stuck on, even addicted to grease and slime. It’s more rewarding and meaningful to understand myself, not try to understand someone else who doesn’t want/need my understanding– love isn’t an obstacle course, neither should it feel like running a marathon in Death Valley and wanting to emerge alive, victorious.
JadeS
I agree. Also read up attachment styles a year ago when I first came to realise I had to deal with the situation and stop avoiding making the decision to get out(the irony!). First sign of a greasy pole and I’m running in the other direction! Nat is right, that it’s humiliating and demoralising trying to get a man to want to be with you. Never again. I have learned a hard and painful lesson. All the best to you – have a peaceful Christmas.
If I may add to Fearless ‘greased pole’ analogy: They’re cutting that pole down as fast as we try to climb it!
Nat…You know how Time Magazine has a person of the year….Well you are my women of a life time!
Merry Christmas to you and yours!!
Brenda
I so can identify with the lazy texting idea and the ridOnculous attention to detail we pay to the content and intention behind a lazy text. I’m 18 months NC, and now in a healthy relationship with a fab guy. However, on the bus the other day I heard someone get a text, it had the same alert tone I had when I was with the nasty insidious lying cheating high-maintenence crumb-throwing AC. Listening to her text tone automatically made my heart sink and gave me a rising sense of panic, which was exactly what ‘his’ texts used to do to me. How mad that we give this lazy communication such over-inFuRkinFlated power.
How free I am now.
Happy New Year gals, and I want to send a special good energy spark to Natalie and family and a bis kiss and uber ((((hugs)))) for the endless wise words.
I discovered this site a few days ago and found that it was all about me and my relationships with Mr Unavailable. Thank you! I discovered the power within myself to put an end to my current Mr Unavailable. I was tired of feeling out of control, especially after I caught myself being passive-aggressive with him. It was like a light bulb went off in my head, duh!
While I was out the jerk left me a flower arrangement in an ugly teapot. I hadn’t seen him in 2 weeks and all we’d done was argue on the phone. Why he suddenly decided to drop me flowers is beyond me. He called me while on a break at work. I started telling him off and he assumed I was upset that all I got from him were the flowers. I told him the flowers had nothing to do with anything. Told him I was sick and tired of his b.s. and not to contact me again.
I feel at peace with myself, I’m not anxiously waiting on a text, phone call or waiting to see him.
This is just over 4 weeks no contact (2nd time round after 5.5 years living together) apart from a scrappy letter that he scribbled when he came to collect the rest of his stuff the other day, which he never even collected!!! and, amazing things are starting to happen in my life apart from me finally loving me, having real self
esteem, not even wanting a man in my life so
for anyone out there doubting no contact, it
really does work, I still come to this site and read every response, this gives me the strength, encouragement and support I need but some truly amazing things are happening in my life right now. Thank you Natalie so much and everyone else, I dont always write as I am usually too tired after all the reading but I get so much support, once upon a time his pathetic scribbled note and recent text messages would of had me hooked again, not anymore, thank the lord, this site and you fabulous ladies. Thank you all and wishing you all a beautiful Christmas time and a fabulous new year xxx
So ive been *lovers* with a guy for 4 yrs. he shows absolutely no emotion towards me, reminds me i am not his girlfriend, comes and goes as he pleases. I text him and most of the time he replies, but the last 4 he didnt.
So since the 17th December i havent contacted him at all, no text, no nothing
It is just to prove to myself that its all me, the whole things survives because i do the contacting. Its crap.
So tomorrow will drive it home even more when i dont hear anything from him. He actually will have no idea why i havent contacted him as we didnt have a fight, everything was *fine*. I just need to get through tomorrow, as not hearing from him is going to hurt so much….
Assclown on unavailable Street
Step away from the pole! You’ll be very glad you did. No more text crumbs! Peace at Christmas to you.
Hi everyone,
firstly to Natalie thanks for this site – it is literally a lifeline – didn’t know how i was gonna survive the holidays.
I am an other woman and have been trying to end it with my MM since Sept – it finally came to head this week where I knew I wouldn’t be seeing him over the holidays as we live in different countries and I was going home – well after one too many drinks I let loose at him – I guess I just couldn’t stand the pent up emotion anymore and how he was treating me – he seemed to be able to switch it on and off just like that – Anyhow after my outburst which I’m soo ashamed off, I think he could see how much this is eating me up inside and I think he’s seen why it now has to end…but despite that I’m now sitting at home feeling miserable wondering will I even get a text tomorrow or even new years – which is sooo the wrong thing to be thinking. I’m thinking if I hadn’t had this outburst he maybe would have text..and then I keep thinking about his wife and how I’d feel in her position…and i just feel unbelievable guilt….
The MM is my boss so will have to seem in the new year – we’re a small firm and often work abroad so the hole no contact rule is gonna be difficult
Anyhow just looking how the rest you out there are dealing with this and any help wpuld be greatly appreciated…
liz
well, at least you didn’t boil his daughter’s pet rabbit.
As long as you don’t upset the apple card (ie his family life) they don’t care about your outbursts. Because they don’t really care about you. if he did, he wouldn’t be doing you behind his wife’s back. He wouldn’t put you in that position.
Waiting for texts is crap. There’s a buzz when you get one, and then an empty feeling. Because it’s not the same as him being there, with you, sharing Christmas lunch or going for a walk, or talking about holiday plans next year. It’s just a text.
Look at what you’ve been reduced too and ask yourself how much longer you can stand it for. Because it won’t be forever and the sooner you get out the sooner your life proper begins.
He can only give you more of the same.
Yes, he CAN switch it on and off like that.
Frankly, I’d get a new job.
Thanks Grace needed that, i’m trying to realise he’s no different from any other MM…and you are right if he really cared he wouldn’t do it…
And I’m the one beating myself up about it – I can be sure he’s gonna have a happy xmas without giving as much as a minutes thought to me…I just wish I hadn’t had the outburst – I feel ashamed I was reduced to that….
And yes looking for another job already..
It’s just surviving xmas and the holidays when everyone is so darn bloody happy
liz
you know that not everyone is so happy at christmas . I’ve spent christmas in a battered women’s shelter before now – there were children staying there. The volunteers there told me that men go “crazyl” at Christmas. They’re full up every Christmas. This Christmas is mild in the UK, last year charities were working flat out to help prevent the homeless dying from hypothermia.
Enjoy the roof over your head tomorrow. If it’s not too late, take up offers from friends and families (fallback girls have a habit of blowing off friends and family cos they’d rather sit at home and wait for a man to turn up/phone/text). Take a walk.
Good for you – a new job will really help take your mind off the MM and it’s something you’re doing for yourself, for your own wellbeing.
Hi Grace, I’m sorry that you ever had to spend a Christmas in a womens battered shelter..thank you for putting things in perspective…yes I should have gratitude for the good things in my life…i have arranged to go to a rugby match with a friend on boxing day afternoon to get out of the house – last thing I want to do – but after reading all the material on the site and comments I know its something I have to do – or else I’ll wallow in the why me state of mind which only makes things worse…I’m gonna remember what you have said not everyone is happy at christmas…its just a perception..
Hi Liz,
You only had one outburst? My 2 year affair with an MM ended (mostly) last year at this time and I’ve been NC for 5-6 months. I had 2 years of outbursts. Grace is right, you didn’t boil his daughter’s pet rabbit. You were angry. Do you see how you are doing exactly what Natalie is talking about? All you want for Christmas is a text from a MM while he is celebrating with his wife and family? A text? That’s it? A merry christmas text isn’t going to solve the problem.
The only way out is NC. Natalie has a number of posts addressing how to do NC when you work together. She did it when she was invloved with the attached guy. She also has some fantastic posts on cheating. There’s No Such Thing as an Honest Cheat. Rather than staring at your cell hoping for a crumb text, start reading the posts and, if you can, download Natalie’s book. In the legal field it’s called “lawyering up”. Read up so when you return to work, you are prepared.
It’s a good thing you are thinking about his wife. I was able to blank his wife throughout the 2 year affair until she caught us. Then she became very real. I have spent the last year owning my role and being accountable for cheating on his wife and daughters as well as my daughter and friends. As I’ve said before, the pain of being an OW for me was worse than the pain of being without him. Wishing you strength. You don’t have to be that woman, an OW waiting for a crumb text, in 2012. Keep posting, that helps too.
Hi runnergirl,
thanks for your helpful comments…I really appreciate it – the one thing I’ve come to learn from being the OW and breaking up is that its very different for a break-up with a boyfriend – your friends and family don’t know so they cannot give you space and understand why you are upset..so the support here is really great..
yes one outburst and I’m the one feeling upset – I’m thinking he’s gonna think I’m a physco etc – I know what the hell??? why do I think like this??
I think I’d been hiding all that anger away from myself, bottling it up and denying to recognise it and it went what the hell and exploded on me..
And it is just crumbs, as you say, that’s what I’m waiting on…honestly can’t believe I’m reduced to that…I’ve read the post “no such thing as an honest cheat” and you know what that’s exactly what I thought of him…slowly trying to get my head around events..
Hi Liz,
That’s one of many shitty things about being an OW, when it ends you can’t tell anybody because it was a dirty little secret that most folks wouldn’t understand. You’ve got to give yourself a break. I wish I could forward you the nasty emails and texts I sent him. Grace is right, as long as I didn’t upset life with his wife and family, he just dismissed my outbursts. As long as I was there to pump him up, that’s all it took, outbursts nothwithstanding. Keep reading, keep trying to get your head around why you’ve settled for crumbs and why you’re reduced to waiting for a text. I’m a year out and still can’t believe I did it. It ran very deep for me. We were soulmates! We couldn’t help falling in love! That may work at 20-something, not at 50-something with a married man with a wife of 27 years and grown children. Ouch, it hurts to write that. Drop the MM. If he wanted to be with you, he would. Otherwise, he’s using you and cheating on his wife and children and you are party to his deception.
Grace – that is a very powerful posting – so true. Sadly.
You said something baout a lawyer who thought many divorces could be avoided if the bride/groom could have gotten out of going through with the wedding with *no* consequences.
I think it’s the same principle with the cheating MM. Once they realise how “seriously” the OW is taking it all, how she really does expect them to leave the marriage, once she starts expecting ‘a result’, putting the pressure on him, whining and crying and begging (for a text?!!) that the MM would gladly take the option of getting out of the whole sorry mess if he could be assured of no consequences.
Once they have taken up a year or more of the OW’s time, they become fearful that she would react very badly to him ending the affair and going back on all his big (but empty) promises, so to protect his status quo he keeps just a trickle of the affair going (by text) while he tries to manage the OWs expectations back down. A lot of what they say is eventually to merely appease the OW and prevent her doing the bunny boiling thing on him. Sometimes he’ll make even bigger promises that even he by now knows he will never keep
The MM I had an affair with many, many years ago now almost had a breakdown towards the ‘end’ as he was juggling so many lying balls in the air he almost exploded with the strain of it all. In the end he said ‘I just want to feel normal again’.
I am convinced that he stayed in it for way longer than he wanted to for fear of me having a very bad reaction to ‘the truth’ and revealing the affair to his wife. In the end she found out all by herself and that was the end of all the ‘leaving her talk’ from him! I was at work and he was in my house by himself on the ‘last day’ – apparently his wife came and picked him up and he cried – all tears and snotters – all the way home in the car. I imagined at the time that this was because he was so distraught at having to leave me. I know now, in hindsight, that his tears were all about him and the sheer bloody relief he must have felt that what had become a nightmare for him was finally over.
So, OWs, what you think is driving these men on is not what is actually driving them. It is NOT what you think it is.
Ahhh well it’s Christmas eve and im bloody well sat here with a message-less phone and its certainly not ringing! im finding it really tough to get a grip today after i gave the fella with the girlfriend an ultimatum last week, when he said he “couldn’t do it now!” i told him thats fine and stopped speaking to him, he text me a week ago telling me him and his girlfriend have now split up… text me!! surely thats phonecall material? apparently not in his crazy little world… anyway cut to today and i haven’t heard off him for a few days so im a bit gutted… and thinking about picking up the phone myself… help! i really dont want to =/ xx
Don’t do it! I’m sitting here resisting the urge to add him back to AIM to see if he went to see his new girl (the one he decided he wanted to be in a relationship with after three weeks after stringing me along for 6 years) for the holidays and it reminds me of when I gave up smoking … it really is an addiction! Be strong! If he really was serious he would have picked up the phone. Remember, it’s easier to lie when you don’t have to look someone in the face. Even easier when you don’t even have to hear their voice. You said it yourself, “surely thats phonecall material.” It is, at the very least. Don’t fall for it!
Natalie, thank you so much for all your hard work and your life changing site! for anyone feeling tempted to break NC, respond to xmas-text/email, or generally feeling a bit of EUM/AC-induced holiday blues — have a laugh at the profoundly disinterested attention-seeking email which landed in my inbox for Christmas…
———————
Subject: MC/HNY
(body of email…)
) Did you ever get that disc?
Hi, seasons greetings & all that, figuring yr away somewhere
———————
oh brother, how much lazier can someone get? so, this is “Merry Christmas(MC)” & “New Years(NY)” all rolled into one, 6 character subject line. another annoying thing, the clown nose in the emoticons — but actually it’s kind of AC-perfect! and, btw, yes, I did “get that disc”, what do you want a frikkin award for such a monumental effort of putting a dvd in an envelope and mailing? as if you really give damn. puh-leez.
the wonderful thing is, I just feel very indifferent to this communique. after the last convo, the futility of it all just seemed so pathetic. I have no desire to respond, no more strength to hold myself up while living on false hopes for “love”. I’m having a bit of FBG Christmas Story tonight, seeing the Ghost of Assclowns Past, and seeing him in the Pantheon of the EUMs of My Life… also, Future Ghost — it’s yet to be written, how do I want things to go? down the same path I’ve been on for 25+ years, heading into late 40′s towards the same EUM’s I’ve always managed to find? NO. No no no no!!! gonna spend a drama-free, happy holiday with my 2 old lady cats, redecorating my house & life. and… definitely NOT responding, even in proportion! thanks Baggage Reclaim…
Thank you thank you this post was just what I needed to see right when I really needed to SEE.You gave me the “snap out of it”
“ah ha” I needed. This is a Merry Christmas! I am not gonna let a “rat dropping” distract me or disallusion me today.
Bless you!
Mary Merry Christmas
The married AC who has been ignoring me for four days after a “fight” as I’ve begged pleaded called lost my dignity before deciding I needed no contact for me and stuck with it yesterday just sent a Merry Christmas <3. Like nothing ever happened.
I’m in the beginning of no contact with him. I’m reading everything on this site and trying my hardest not to respond. This is day two for me and so I am VERY raw. I seriously thought my situation was so unique and special. Wish I had found this MONTHS ago. At one point, he went NC with me for THREE MONTHS because I demanded too much from him and I stupidly let him waltz back into my life with the RESET BUTTON like nothing happened. I work with this AC too so that makes it a lot worse, but being with him has literally caused me to have panic attacks, degrade myself, mold myself into what he wants, live in a diet of less than CRUMBS. I’m so glad I found this site. I literally cried for hours when I did because I thought I’d be stuck like this forever.
Please keep me in your thoughts today as I enter day two of no contact and I have a work event where he might be there tonight
You have my support. It is very hard in the begining bu becomes more and more eaiser. If you workwith him, just be pulite and if he starts any conversation just say that you want marriage, children, and only thinking about it and etc…
Please see it as a learning point….you tried, you gave best, but you can not force someone to love you and respect you. neither you or me..
I am now in one week NC and already forgot him … If he can enjoy in holiday with his family why should I woud not do the same?
To all the suffering OWs who have commented – Grace and runner are spot on. Being involved with a married or attached man (or any AC or EUM) means sitting around feeling like a piece of crap waiting for a text message to make you feel better about yourself – as if one text msg. from him will make all the difference! It won’t make ANY difference (as runner says) except to hold you in beggar position; his texts are NOT good news for you!
These OW relationships are all the same. The way forwards is to recognise that your MM is the just the very same as every other MM who’s doing some other woman (as Grace so eloquently put it!) behind his wife’s back. All these other OW’s think their MM loves them just as you think yours loves you. All these other MMs give their OW all the loooove you/soul mate/oh baby talk same as yours does. What you imagine is that your MM actually *means* it while all the other MMs are just lying – you imagine your MM is the special exception; he isn’t lying, he really does love you but these other OWs are juts being taken for a mug, but not you. Here’s the thing: it’s not that *all* these MMS don’t mean any of what they say, it’s just that they don’t mean it for very long, they don’t mean what you think they mean, and they certainly don’t mean anything with any level of constancy; much of the time they are going along with what they think you want them to say – mostly they are just not very honest with anyone, including themselves, so that putting so much weight on what he said to you one time a year and a half ago or putting so much weight onto what *you think* you are hearing is foolhardy, in fact is like climbing into a barrel and chucking yourself down Niagra Falls.
MM is not the same as you; he’s in a very different position than you – he has very different wants and needs from this affair than you do. He’s not looking for a life partner – he has one already!! He is not looking for another or a different wife! You think you are having a great (if tormented) romance (by texting???) and are waiting for the happy ending (by texting???) – all the while he is having an illicit, clandestine and altogether rather sordid little *affair* (mostly by text). Try to see the difference and get yourself the hell out of it.
…you imagine your MM is the special exception; he isn’t lying, he really does love you…”
Fearless, here’s proof to the contrary. I’ve been getting these strange text messages lately that are so similar in tone and wording to my married ex-lover but from an unfamiliar number. Just this afternoon, I received, “What’s the room #?” and I cracked up. Women keep falling for their schtick and they’re not honest with any of them, past or present. He’s obviously replaced me with another naive, deluded woman on his merry-go-round of partners and is mistakenly sending me her texts. Yuk, what a pig. If you want to feel completely unspecial, get involved with a married man.
Blueberry girl
We are in agreement here
I wrote:
…you imagine your MM is the special exception; he isn’t lying, he really does love you…”
i.e.
*You imagine* he is the special exception, *you imagine* he isn’t lying, *you imagine* he really loves you
Obviously you are not imagining any of these things anymore. He sounds like a horror. Glad you’re shot of him.
Thank you. It’s SO hard right now after getting ripped into shreds by him last night, how it’s all my fault and he has a big old sob story of his life and that’s why he’s such a cold assclown to me but he really likes that I love him and would do anything for him. Gag.
So I’m in love with a MM who is a HUGE dangerous assclown and emotionally unavailable. I have a lot of work to do on myself, but I’m SO glad I am not alone. The first time I went NC in August I didn’t have this site or anyone to talk to and I felt like I was alone and in a unique, special situation. I didn’t know which way was up and really felt like I had messed up. It’s good to know the truth.
@ runnergirl: CONGRATS! @ Liz and runnergirl: yes it makes it hard to break up when no one knows what you are going through. That is what made me all the madder at him and to myself for getting myself into this mess. I often fantisize about how I could ruin his life however my thoughts on this are: if i did he might not be as miserable if she kicked him out; I don’t want to be responsible for others pain; and most of all I want to STOP thinking about it.
@ Yoghurt: I am in the same place. ahhhh
@ neverto late: Its OK you broke no contact, cause you really didn’t. If you said” i miss you” that would have been diff.
This is the first holiday in a very long time when I didn’t feel jelous and sorry for myself. It feels sooo goood!! Yesterday from the MM, I got a “Merry Christmas to you, thinking of you. I will always love you and be thinking of you. Never forget that”. I waited a day and replied “Merry Christmas to you and yours”. I really think he just keeps texting me to see if I blocked him.
I have avoided running into him until this past Friday. Luckily I was in a very crowed place with multiple friends around me. I was able to avoid even looking at him although I know I was being observed. CReepy. My best freind and “sponser” was with me so it was good. I am so happy this holiday, feel so good about myself and that I am OK being alone. Also So happy if have BR. Thank GOD and Natalie!
Sharon, I’m not sure there is any point where they feel remorse even if they are caught. We got caught. So what? I’m sure he did the tears and snotters and managed to get back in the wife’s good graces. Too bad she’s married to a creep. I’m glad I’m well shod of him. His wife is truly stuck.
Good for you for avoiding the creep at your event. These cheating MM’s are a dime a dozen.
Yesterday when I checked the snail mail, there was a strange card, no postage. I froze. If that dipstick invaded my space again I’d out him but good. It took several minutes before I opened it. It was a card from my neighbor, he, he, he!
So last night at work I get a text from him a couple times, just fishing, and I finally lose it and text him back about what type of games he’s playing with me. He then goes off in MANY texts that I was INSANE to expect a response from him days ago (after he basically said he was through with me and I responded poorly by calling/texting him, my abandonment issues kicked in and I admit I went out of control crying/hurting) and that’s why he left ME the first time (I LEFT HIM, so I don’t know what he’s talking about) and how he has SO MUCH to give but I”ll never know it because his ONE TIME AT BANDCAMP sob story is too great so that’s why he’s an emotional assclown. He basically ripped into me all night in text form. When I did actually see him in person it was all “Oh hey, Merry Christmas, nice seeing you.”
I went home and later that night I get a text that “Hey, don’t be so hard on yourself, you can’t hurt me because I wouldn’t ever let myself be hurt by you, so I’m still here if you’re around so don’t be a stranger and we’re still gonna go out on that date we planned” (this translates to: oh I want to shag you on my terms and I don’t care how much I’ve hurt you and I know I said I will not/cannot give you anything you want and that that is basically your own fault, and that I know you’re hurt, but I don’t care because I want an ego stroke/sex on my terms). He also threw in how he knew I would do “anything” for him and he respects that but he’ll never be able to love me but he likes that. I just didn’t respond because I’m not that girl anymore (or at least I’m working on it).
He has me SO twisted up and hurt. I just really need to focus on myself. I haven’t texted him and I’m planning on keeping NC as much as I can (i get weak and angry, but it would have been better to say nothing last night, but at least he showed me how mean he can be). I saved all the texts he sent me where he basically blamed ME for everything and was downright MEAN (something he’s never been to me) and if I ever get the urge to text him, I’m gonna read those again. It was horrible. He’s a dangerous, mean, selfish man and I wish I’d never met him.
He’s very cruel and I’m realizing I have a lot of abandonment issues that have allowed me to play into this. Guys like him are predators and can really mess up a life.
lim
they’re just texts. he’s just texting, you’re just texting. try to ditch the drama. most of this is reaction, drama seeking, wanting to distract yourself from your own life, and wanting revenge. Part of it is genuine feeling, I grant that, but not as much as you think. You’ll only know the size of it and you can only get over him when you NC him. There’s no such thing as doing NC as much as you can. If you’re not committed to it, you may as well carry on texting him and spare yourself the constant failure of breaking NC because you don’t mean it
I wouldn’t bother saving his texts and reading them. they’re just texts. you already know he’s an idiot. you’ve got better things to do with your time than keep convincing yourself of that.
Limerance,
you need to save yourself, whatever it takes, just get out of it. NC is the answer to your problems. Block all his points of entry. Get rid of your phone – give it to a trusted friend and tell them not to give you it back for at least three months (I did this after a failed NC attempt cos I didn’t trust myself not to text the ex). Getting involved with an MM is the same as a turkey signing up for Christmas.
Oh and a text on Boxing day this time with relevance to our relationship again. He ended it with “take care” and then sent another kiss about 10 minutes after. I mean “it’s over”, I know it’s over and why bring up the past? I feel or know he’s with someone else because now I understand what a Fallback girl is, that is what I was and more and it seems I am not required anymore. He just had to remind me what he thinks I may be missing!!!!!! hmmmm let’s see-lies, manipulation, control, emotional, verbal abuse – need I go on? WHY do this! It’s just screwed up…… I didn’t reply and felt guilty for a while but remembered what I have read on here. Just when you think you are getting somewhere…………… ugh
Shinestar – the text kiss ten minutes later came cos he didn’t get a bite fast enough the first time and he thought a wee text sweetener might help. He’s just checking you’re still on option/fallback/doormat status for him. Don’t be. Ignore him and block his number.
No I won’t, I can’t and you know I’m not even sure he wants me back as I know through history of our relationship he would have tried already and I would have gone. But you are right- it is about the proverbial door and whether it would be open in the future. I’m still weak for him which is another reason I won’t reply – I do not enjoy the consequences of creating more questions and giving him the opportunity to cut me off again.His message was so final I thought like he felt sorry for me. I have been so good, no contact since day1 apart from a blip where I was conned a month or so ago which set me back but all my crying and shouting and obsessing etc have been behind closed doors so he has no idea how I have been feeling or affected by his shit! Thanks – it’s nice to get a personal reply xx
I’ve been given similar advise for yrs…to no avail…in my head before this happened to me I knew that NC was what I should do, but I couldn’t. I felt happy, bad, flattered, hopeful, sad, guilty to not respond….who knows what else. But, I think what you wrote here –and especially the way you put things, has finally gotten through to me!!! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!
~another grateful reader
i put in place the NC rule after a year and a nice dinner with my ex. so far he had call, email and continue to text me i had not reply. his mother past away last year and for christmas day i send him a text but wishing him happy holiday just letting he know that she is miss during this time. i was not looking for reply . not sure today if is was the right thing to do. but the no contact rule help me a lot i still think about his lies but i thank God for his love and mercy to pull me away from him.
This website has seriously changed ALL of my views on men/dating/love/self-esteem, etc. I have felt so amazing lately about myself and I have taken all of the advice on here to heart.
So I have been trying to get over a Mr. Unavailable for over two months now- and it has been hard. He was a good guy who just didnt want a relationship- with anyone- and walked away the second he realized I couldnt handle something casual with him (which i respect him for).
Anyway, after him not contacting me for the past two months (where he did his usual single thing…still no girlfriend) I just heard from him today with a nice holiday text saying he hopes to see me in the New Year.
Now, in the past I would be thinking “what does this mean” and build up this HUGE idea in my head about how he must have changed- etc,etc.
But this time i felt different. I decided to just write it off as a nice friendly message and not create meaning where there is no meaning. I am going to text him back something just as casual and friendly and that will be the end of it for me. No use making something into a HUGE deal when it is JUST A TEXT.
Thank you Natalie for CHANGING my views on myself and relationships
I got the “Happy New Year” text today. Thank God in Heaven for Natalie and this poignant post as my only response, chanted like a mantra in my head was, “It’s only a text, it’s only a text…” And that was that. Didn’t respond to him at all. It did get me down for a moment, I’ll be honest. But I was in Sephora for crying out loud, so the choice between responding to this assclown and choosing the best pink nail polish was a no-brainer.
I think I’ve finally settled on a name (I was NoFearNoMore and NoMoreFear) finally. It’s a reminder I often need.
So I’ve been able to keep NC for a week and a half after the Christmas Eve blowout-showdown last phone call with the Ex where he told me he was still in love with me.
Everything has been going fine. Even NYE went well as I was with friends. In fact I’ve been starting to feel pretty good for a change in general. The desire to contact him has waned considerably. Funny that him telling me he’s still in love with me actually repulsed me because how could he say that to me when he also says, “I want to give this relationship (with the new woman) the best chance it has?”
Then while at work today I get an IM from him saying, “Hi, I thought you would be interested in this link.” I didn’t respond. I did click on the link though and it was something interesting, but not enough for me to say anything back. I saw it for what it was. At best he was just being thoughtless and at worst he was fishing to feed his own ego. And I didn’t bite. I’m pretty proud of that. It’s a huge step for me. I owe much thanks to NML and everyone on here for helping me find my strength again.
Just brilliant! The comment you made about it’s time to expect more and from myself too, made me realise I’ve been guilty of the same thing. If I haven’t got the guts to be phoning then how can I expect the men to…. time to up the ante and get a more ballsy – lead by example and then you’re sure to recognise pathetic attempts at communication!