Comments on: Reader Advice: Help! I feel rejected by an assclown and can’t let go

By: Gaynor

Gaynor — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 00:54:11 +0000

Sasha,

Stay Strong!!!

By: Sasha

Sasha — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 00:43:07 +0000

Hi ladies (and Brad)

Thanks to all of you for your support. I was initially so embarrased to be asking for advice on a situation that I knew was wrong. I suppose thinking with the head and the heart are 2 different things. Since emailing NML for advice, I have been able to maintain NC. It wasnt as horrible as I expected. It was actually a relief not walking on eggshell, waiting for him to do or say the next horrible thing. Was I sad? yes. Hurt? a little. Empowered? Absolutely! Brad, Thanks for giving your perspective from a male stand point. Very enlightening. I’m now doing things that make me happy, and letting go of things that don’t. I have a 4 yr old son, and I dont want him getting the idea that treating women this way is acceptable. I also have been doing some couseling with my father, who is at the root of my self esteem issues and involvement with EUM’s. Forgiving myself was a huge step. Thanks again for all your positive comments!

By: Kissie

Kissie — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 19:58:06 +0000

hi all,
My EUM gave me an STD also, Herpes to be exact. And he of course denied ever having it implying that I might have gotten in somewhere else. God he was an asshole. That’s why it’s so important to let these men go once you realize that he has no problem with hurting and disappointing you b/c if you don’t you can run the risk of getting sick. I used protection too, but as we all know no protection is 100% effective. I agree with Cynnie, these men are not normal b/c they have no capacity to show or give love. they are dead emotionally and only interested in their own needs. the best thing to do is leave them alone, for your sanity and for your life. They are sooooo not worth you.

By: Gaynor

Gaynor — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 18:37:08 +0000

Tiffany,

What is the dream? This man is a sex-addict and has cheated on you over and over, I think you’re confusing love for addiction to this man. We cannot make our lives about them, or we lose ourselves completely. How much of the time were you actually happy in the relationship, if you’re playing detective most time it must have misery??

I think it is a great move to take a twelve-step program, b/c it is obvious you have some serious self-esteem issues or you would have been able to see this animal for who he is.

Keep posting on the site, it has helped many see the light.

By: Astelle

Astelle — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 18:23:47 +0000

Tiffany, you went 2.5 years without talking to him? Did you get back in touch with him or did he get in touch with you?

By: Gaynor

Gaynor — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 17:42:48 +0000

Twelve years??? Was he EU the entire time???

By: TIffany

TIffany — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 17:20:49 +0000

12 years of a dream. ALl my hopes and plans falling out from under me. Now to old to have a child, and feel like I wasted so much time. I cry as I write this, because so much of what I wanted was wrapped up in him. Wish I didnt miss him or what we did have that was good.

By: Gaynor

Gaynor — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 17:14:30 +0000

Tiffany, That’s all it was, a dream.

By: TIffany

TIffany — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 17:07:16 +0000

One last thing. He has always told me that I am the only woman that he has ever been in love with. That he never knew what love was before me. He shared with me so many intimate details of his life, now I wonder if any of them were true. I really am feeling so lost. I wish I didnt feel like I wanted to run to him to make me feel better. I have stayed away for 6 weeks, but it has been torture. Im feeling the loss of the dream.

By: TIffany

TIffany — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 17:03:01 +0000

Wow! I wish I read this before I broke my no-contact rule this am. I am waking up every evening in dreams over him. I have joined a 12 step program, al-anon, to help me recover my own loss of self-respect and self-love. MY EUM is a total sex addict, and I too belive that I became one in this relationship, at first I thought I enjoyed it as much as he did, but then I realized how ashamed I am for the way I acted out with him. I am a successful 43 year old, own my home, have a college education, but still cant get enough “brick in the heads”, to release and finally let go. He has cheated on me the entire relationship, trying to manipulate the whole time, by lying and saying it was my own insecurities and jealousy, and he is sick of it. I acted as a detective and only then sometimes, would he admit is wrong doings. He would have sex with me for hours, and then go and meet another woman. He is addicted to strippers and young girls in their 20s. Portraying himself as quite the catch and available. By the way he is 46 years old. During our relationship, I became extremely isolated to my friends and family, and eventually lost a job due to my uncontrollable ability to stay focused and not live in the pain. Today, I am doing all I can to treat myself with self-love and respect, but I still am feeling the hole that was left. I am spiritual and have god in my life, and not out there looking for a mortal to fill the painful loss. It is so hard and I have been crying non-stop for 6 weeks. I am understanding how I got here, but why am I still having slips? Why do I want him to still want me and speak to me when I know how unhealthy he is for me? I am at a quest to truly get to the root of these answers. I also know that I FELT loved by him, so often, and we did share a lot of wonderful memories. But he is a Jeckyll and Hyde, and I know I deserve better than the monster. Only wish that the pain will subside. (I went 2 1/2 years without speaking to him at one point 8 yrs ago, but I truly had missed him everyday) What is wrong with me that I cant let go for good?

By: Tulipa

Tulipa — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 08:08:49 +0000

I’m glad I came here today.. I was stupidly missing mr EUM and was going to call … but again I’m reminded of his boast to me “I can have sex with two women” I got out cos I didn’t want to be one of them… anyway I’ll stick to no contact so thank you who have posted it certainly helped me …

By: Gail

Gail — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 01:32:30 +0000

Jesyka, please don’t beat Yourself up over this. Many women on this site, including myself have been or are where you are, kicking ourselves in the arse for it. For me it took the last assclown to help me realize and ask myself, how was I contributing to the situation. This EUM was not the first but will be the last, every man I was ever with was a EUM, narcissistic a**hole and believe me there is a long and numerous history of them in my life. I also remember discussing with girlfriends after my numerous, drama ridden breakups, “what, do I have abuse me written on my forehead?” In actuality I did and here’s why…
I was never given the tools or for that matter, ever taught what boundaries were, I didn’t have any, I didn’t know how to match actions with words, sex was my tool to try and keep a man, there was never a foundation to begin with. Although I do have my own personal values I never incorporated them into a relationship, I didn’t know how, do you? I feel like a little girl learning how to date and what a relationship really means and I am 53 years old. I am now in counseling, I couldn’t continue living this way.
I am now learning what boundaries mean, how to incorporate my values into relationships going forward and being a little bit vunerable, letting someone get to know me and not what I look like naked. Asking the right questions up front and when it is Safe to have sex with a man and when it’s not.
I am just in the beginning of this journey, there are many demons that I have to slay and many layers of Fear that I have to peal off but I will say that I am learning and committed for the long haul. Read NML’s post today about the Fear factor.
Stay involved with these blogs, you’ll get a lot of support, read Natalie’s book or surf around this site for the many blogs and topics that address how you are feeling, I have read and reread many of them more times than I can count.
This is not easy and it hurts, really I know, but it will get better…..Gail

By: Stephanie

Stephanie — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 00:57:01 +0000

Jesyca- I have had those very thoughts. . .I was so angry that he manipulated me into a sex life that was compleatly geared towards his pleasure, I was so eager to please him and then he ended up sleeping around anyway. I was running this morning which I compleatly recomend to all over you. Working out along with this site has really been theraputic. . .I can get out all my pent up feelings and feel really good when im done. All of you should take up regular exersice its the best cure for a broken heart i can think of. But back to the principal. . .I thought as i ran “you know he may have beaten me down emotionaly and won this round. . .treated me so poorly i had to give in and give up on him. . .but i will never give up on myself. . .and because I left him I have the opertunity to find a real deep and meaningful relationship. . .so I will win in the end because I will have a more full life”. Just know that not only is this guy’s life going to be sad because he will never have a mutual loving and caring relationship but most importantly he is REALLY pathetic and sad because he will never have it with a woman as spectacular as you!

By: myalmostlover

myalmostlover — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 00:25:03 +0000

BBP….yes we were dealing with sex addicts. It’s something that creeps up on you and suddenly you’re sucked into their sick little world. I remember thinking he doesn’t say I love you so much anymore, now it’s just about kinky sex. Don’t want to get too explicit but you know women love the romance. I have no problem with getting a litte kink on once in awhile but if you’re always doing the kinky it cheapens the relationship. That’s how it was in the end for us, just sex without the romance. It makes me sad to think of it Then he brought another woman into our relationship when he no longer respected me. He was cheating away and lying, lying to my face. It was all dead in the water by then. NML is so right. You have to establish boundries in the beginning, enforce your values and never allow any man to compromise them. I learned a very hard lesson from this experience but only after I ended it and walked away. To this day he’s still out there trying to contact me…even after all these months.

By: Brad K.

Brad K. — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 00:22:43 +0000

Jesyka, I think you have to look at today as a new day. He might have won, or beaten you, or got away with crap yesterday. You can still choose whether he even gets to play today.

Just walk away from yesterday.

Your experiences, from reading and interacting here on Baggage Reclaim, to your experiences with him, make you who you are. Don’t look for redemption for what happened to you. Choose to life respectfully, trustingly, and honestly with respectful, trusting, honest people. And pick someone to love from people of character.

Yes, you traded sex and respect and dignity for closeness – and still didn’t get anything you needed. It comes down to something as simple, and as terrifyingly difficult, and deciding to change. Don’t let superficial things distract you – don’t avoid the bar he hangs out at, don’t avoid guys that wear the same jacket he does, or drives the same car. Instead avoid everyone at all – that doesn’t respect you for who you are. You might need a counselor to help sort out your needs and values. That is OK. He has been performing amateur emotional “training” for far too long.

Who we are today is a sum of all the choices we made in the past. That is true for all of us. We might regret what we chose to do, who we chose to listen to in the past. But the only way to change is to understand why we chose as we did, and choose better next time. “I was stupid” isn’t a helpful diagnosis for regretted decisions. We need to know, did I pick him because he was there? Because he smiled? Because he offered me promises and I believed him? Because I didn’t understand his disrespect? Because I was excited to be riding in a car like that?

The actual reasons we are attracted to someone are seldom important – unless they are too superficial. Staying with someone an hour, a week, a month – that is long enough to find out this is a mistake, to run into walls and disappointments and disrespect. Staying after that takes bad choices.

Don’t look for redemption. Look for freedom from the mistakes of the past.